About Last Night...

Honestly, I meant what I posted...but I am really not sure I could truly go back to the ED (okay...for the sake of honesty...I restrict almost all the time so it's not like I am fully out in the first place) and SI behavior...but there are times when I want it. Right now because I am stuck...very stuck. Still having a very hard time with the whole realm of human emotions and thinking that some of the emotions are OK...for me...I think they are great for everyone else.

Then I get frustrated because my fears about how Rob is going to react to my mistake is so NOT in the realm of reality. However, since returning to therapy and trying to recover for good...going on 6 years now (but only consistent care for a little over 2 years)...I have NEVER pulled on Marc, Greg, and anyone else what I did to Rob last October. Up until then and never since I have been purposely deceitful to anyone on my treatment team. I am also pretty positive how I saw his reaction and the aftermath was a lot worse than it probably was...but the complete silence and the anger I know was there under the surface did something to me inside and it's still broken.

When I got all paranoid about the book a few months ago we kinda went through this whole thing. He couldn't figure out why I was beating myself up so much for making the mistake...then I finally told him that I figured forgetting something I promised to bring back the next time would be the last straw and he was going to terminate me. He assured me that was not the case and he saw it for what it was...a mistake. Had he needed the book sooner he would have asked me to bring it back, yada, yada, yada.

Right now I think with everything going on a home, me missing So Cal already/still, the anniversary of Marc leaving and my last actual suicide attempt five years ago may be playing on my mind more heavily than I thought. For the first time in ages I truly do not have that longing for a better goodbye than I had with Marc before he went traipsing off (ok...Army assigned) to Hawaii or to have those burning questions I have had answered...I think now it is just marks the end of what was an important time for me and for a relationship where I totally trusted him...which is good in a therapeutic relationship.

I thought I had that with Rob...but if I am freaking out he is going to react badly and not believe bringing the wrong dog was an accident (he said he trusts me and knows I didn't do it on purpose)...maybe I still don't trust the relationship fully. Or, because of the timing...right now I just anticipate that he will be gone, too. As far as I know...he and his family are going to San Diego at the end of July (his usual vacation time)...and that is it. But, I am beginning to think the being left thing is STILL an issue with me.

I so need to get over myself!

Grrrr....

I did a dumb thing this week. On Monday I accidentally took my Frederick type dog back to Rob rather than the real thing. I have joked about doing that, but I would never actually do it because I want to be able to take Frederick with me when I am away. Rob was fine with it and knows I didn't do it on purpose...but the thoughts rage on. I put my finger on it and emailed him this:

"So, I am on my way to get the pizza. Remind me not to wait 23 hours before eating because I ate THREE pieces of pizza. YUCK! Anyway, I was on my way thinking about what you said at the end today and then realized that after my "escapade" in October and your reaction (although I still think you were too easy on me AND I totally deserved it) to it...that I live in constant fear that when I make an honest to goodness, am not trying to keep anything from you mistake...I am going to get the same reaction because if I lied to you that once about somthing as big as cutting for a week, why should you believe me when I tell you I made a mistake and forgot the book, accidentally gave you the wrong dog, etc?"

I think I am so afraid I am going to lose the ONE safe place I have that I "NEED" to be perfect with the things Rob lets me borrow and try very, very, VERY hard to make zero errors in that department. Since the "incident" in October I have blown it TWICE now in just over 6 months.

Then there is the pizza. I purposely didn't eat all day because I knew I would have to have it...but it backfired and I had three pieces. THREE [insert any expletive here] pieces!

I want to purge, I want to cut...I want to figure out why my thinking is the way it is and why I just can't change it even though I want to.

Tonight is one of those nights when I want to throw away the last seven months and go back to all of it...I think if I did anything tonight that would be it...I'd nevet go back to Rob and cancel Toni because I know if I go back I won't try and stop it. I mean food is off anyway...but at least I keep down what I eat and some days I probably hit 1200...today is was probably 3000!

Still Processing

I have been back since Sunday, but am still trying to process everything and get used to being back here.

The last session Rick Warren showed up and it was some things he said that reminded why I was at my happiest and healthiest (well...after Remuda) when I was at Saddleback. He just reminded us of a simple truth and one that I do know...but he reminds the church over and over again of these things and while it doesn't make it all better...it helps.

He was talking about kids and he said, "There are accidental parents...NOT accidental children. God was more interested in creating you than their parenting skills." He went on to say that no matter the circumstances that YOUR parents had the DNA God needed to create you for the ourpose He has for you.

Hearing that was not new. He has said it several times that I can remember...but I forgot about that. Not that it makes being at home easier...but it was a good reminder.

Angels vs. Mariners 

Aliso Beach Park...my fave OC Beach 

The Edge (5th and 6th grade)...this is where I would still be volunteering! 

The Extreme (3rd and 4th grade) 

The Reef 

Children's Ministry Building 

Just a Quick hi!

PDCM was awesome...the new building is incredible and I now remember why I was at my healthiest and happiest while I was at Saddleback.

Pastor Rick surprised everyone yestreday by showing up and speaking for a bit...very cool...he needs to lose the facial hair though!

Tons of pix to share when I get home!

Going to the Baseball Game!

Okay...all you Bay Area bloggers that read this...DO NOT remove me from your blog rolls, spam my blog and gate me...

I AM GOING TO THE ANGELS GAME TONIGHT!!!! :)

Hey...when it comes to the NL I bleed black and orange...but when it comes to the AL...I am an Angel fan. I was even at the game last fall that sent the Angels to the play offs...I was hunkered down hising my Angels sweatshirt...but I was cheering loudly!

Tonight they play Seattle. I was going to wait until the As series this weekend...but I am a little restless and I really want to see them in case the weekend gets too busy.

So, I am all set with my Angels sweatshirt and with the As, Angels and Mariners all ties for 1st...any game right now is going to be awesome!

Off To Knott's!

My friend Lisa is sick so she won't be meting me at Knott's...but I am going to go for a few hours anyway...mainly because I can't bring myself to let the ticket go to waste. It is going to be very lok key though. See what I want, ride Ghost Rider and that big tall free fally thingy and Montazuma's Revenge and maybe call it a day.

I have a blister on my left heel that makes a lot of walking painful so while I REALLY wanted to meet Lisa...she can get the rest she needs and I can save my feet a bit! I have one more day left on my Disney ticket...I would go today...but nah...I may go tomorrow and skip seeing Dr. D one day.

As I have just passed the seven month mark of no purging and this Thursday will mark 6 months no cutting AND six months of not using both behaviors (in the past if I was doing, I wasn't doing the other or I was doijg both)I splurged and bought a new watch at Disneyland. I love it. It is Tinkerbell...but not like a kiddie watch or anything like that. Okay, I am using these milestones as justification for splurging...but I know Rob and especially Toni would tell me that it was a good thing!

This is part of a DRINKING FOUNTAIN! 

To Infinity & Beyond! 

Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye 

Fun ship...except you get stuck standing the whole time! 

Disneyland Day 2. I haved blisters and I am exhausted...but I went anyway! I look at the park differently because it is not a touristy thing but a way of life! Enjoy! 

Grizzly River Run! 

"Please don't throw me into the briar patch!" 

The vultures! 

A little blurry...but Brer Rabbit on his way to his laughing place 

Splash Mountain 

This is from the Winnie the Pooh ride...so cute! 

Tiki Room...I needed the rest! 

DCA on a PERFECT CA afternoon 

G and his sister E after the first game. They won! 61 to 39 

Home Sweet Home..

...I woke up at the crack of dawn because I was having dreams about VBS. Isn't THAT a scary thought??

Called my mom to tell her happy b-day...had a good conversation...woo hoo!

Called Rob and then actually went to breakfast at the restaurant next door. I am actually hungry...WAS hungry. Now I am incredibly full. I may have to go back to The Block and walk around. Yuck. Oh well...I'll not eat again until tonight at Disneyland anyway.

Got and email from Dr. D a bit ago. I have to admit it feels GOOD that there are people here who DO want to see me, who are happy I am here and who love my baking/fudge making skills. He told me he shared stuff with the office and that the cookies were "exceptionally good" this time. He also liked my peanut butter bread recipe so I need to save it and then send it to him. He also told me once again I look "great." Ugh...coming from him is high praise considering my weight...but he knows about the PCOS and that it's not from my lack of trying...although I am sure the restricting doesn't help. But I trust him totally and I won't argue with him...too much! :)

There are so many memories...both good and bad...old and older and not so old that surround me when I am here. I think the good part about staying this "far north" is that the restaurants around here do not have purging memories tied to them. Last summer I was driving around trying to figure out where to eat that didn't hold a memory of me eating a full or partial meal and then coming home and getting rid of it. That is not an issue here in Buena Park. The memories are still very strong and leave me in a strange space. By and large I am NOT the same person I was five years ago when I was at my sickest...but the pull to numb everything out, to crawl back into the hole I had created for myself is still there at times.

One thing I told Dr. D when I emailed him last night was as much as I gush(ed) about Marc and Greg (two of the therapists I had when I was here) there is a Ton to be said about conistency. Next week will be 29 months since I started seeing Rob and there are many times it feels as if we are JUST scratching the surface. I think there is some truth to that and I think Dr. D would agree. It may be consistent, but there has been a huge battle within me that this is it until "the end" and that I can trust this relationship. It's two steps forward and one back a lot of the time, but he hasn't given up and that speaks volumes.

Day 1...

....I seriously won't do that...I just couldn't resist typing it!

Much as I wanted to NOT leave the hotel...I "HAD" to. Ended up at The Block and went to see "Fever Pitch" and walked around The Block...literally. Stopped in a couple stores but pretty much walked around and they have added some neat stuff. There is a glow in the dark mini-golf course and a cool new bowling alley.

The city of Orange has a 10 PM curfew for those under 18 and security was out in force checking IDs. They almost stopped me...that was funny. They have announcements every 15 minutes or so reminding them they need to leave so I think they are really cracking down on the curfews all over the county.

I was sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start and I was thinking I drove 400 miles to go to The Block and sit in a movie theater??? But, it is something that was a part of my life when I lived here. The Crystal Cathedral is across the street so it was something I did a couple times a week. Not always there...but it isn't anything out of the ordinary for me. The only weird part was going there and not running into anyone I know...but I think that would be the case if the (almost) last 4 years hadn't have happened anyway. But that was OK...it felt okay to do something so NORMAL for me.

It's not a matter of not fully engaging in life at home...but I lived here for 17 years...my whole adult life (well...from 16 to 30+) was spent here even if I did grow up in San Jose...it is all very different. Not bad...a little lonely and my mother is a psycho...but different.

The thing is...I would move back even if I had a job NOT in ministry. I'd like to go back to Saddleback and that would be hard to do if I was working at another church, so I leave it in God's hands...I just want to be where He wants me.

Home Sweet Home...

Here I am in "The OC." In a hotel room with a view of the parking lot and the Burger King next door.

I left at 6 this morning and pretty much drove 85 MPH once I got in the 5. A few places of icky traffic and off to Irvine I went first. I HAD to see my chiropractor. I totally surprised him...he had no clue and that was awesome! I made him PB cookies, PB fudge and a lof of PB bread and he dug into the cookies right away. He only eats white sugar on Friday and so he was excited it was my stuff he gets to "cheat" with!

I told him that this week marks 7 months since I have purged and almost 6 months (next Thursday...the 21st) since I have cut. He was really excited and told me that he hasn't seen me look this healthy in a long time and I look better than I did in August. Considering I have been sleep deprived for a couple weeks...that is saying a lot...and I know he doesn't mean I am a beached whale...but I hear healthy and my mind goes there still...but this is the man who has seen me at my absolute worst and pretty much at my best (like when I first got home from Remuda the first time) so when he says that he means it in a GOOD way.

Tomorrow is G's basketball game. There are kids from the tournament staying here and it's annoying...if they come home tonight dribbling the ball in the hallway...they die! Sunday I think I am going to Ron's church and surprise him and then go to Disneyland. Saddleback has 2000 tix left for Sunday...but it IS an all day event and I don't want to totally waste my 3 day park hopper.

I feel like a bum just sitting here in the hotel...but I am exhausted and my head is killing me. Doug wasn't able to do a whole lot yet...so he couldn't help it as much as he would have liked. I think I am just tired. To do anything else would really be a waste of money and/or time because I am so tired. So, I will rest up and take the day on tomorrow!

As My World Turns...

Let's see...why start with the icky stuff...I'll start with the good stuff!

1. I leave in THREE days! This time on Friday I will on the road probably a bit down I-5!

2. "G" the kid in the pciture I said was great b-ball player will also be down there! His basketball team is playing in a national tourney so I am going to shock him and be at a game!

3. I get to take Frederick with me! I figured Rob wouldn't say no...but it is always a fear. He told me yes yesterday!

4. I get $91 back from my state income tax! Okay...that isn't much...but it is better than nothing or having to owe!

Now the "other" stuff...

1. My mom is home from work on a medical leave until MAY 3rd. She won't talk about what happened...but it was/is depression related because she has seen our MD, her Psych and has had her meds upped. She has been all suicidal talk lately anyway...so this isn't a surprise...but it makes things really hard at home and I have no safe place to be...except Rob's office.

2. I am worried about VBS. I gave us such a late start (*kicks self*) and while I am already getting volunteers...I feel very overwhelmed by it all.

3. I am scared spitless about meeting Forumites next week. I put myself through this every time I go to meet someone and it has ALWAYS been a great time...but my insecurities and anxiety go through the roof until the meeting actually takes place. But, I so can't wait to go to Knott'swith Lisa and at the very least Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf with Dirk.

4. Gas prices are awful!!!

Anyway, I told Rob yesterday that I feel overwhelmed but think I shouldn't because things will be fine while I am gone and my team and volunteers so don't need me around. And I don't think I am worried about me not being here...I was gone a few times last summer and then retreats this year...but I think it is the VBS part that has me all OCD. The rest is fine!

On Thursday I had told him I felt like I am such a whiner in our sessions...I was honestly shocked to learn he would never use that word with me. He told me that he very much cares what is going on in my head and that word would never even enter his mind. That meant soooooo much. He reminded me of that yesterday.

So...off to our calendar meeting in a few minutes and then home to start laundry!

One Week From Tomorrow...

...I will be heading to the OC!!! I cannot wait on several points:

1. Meeting YS Forumites

2. Getting to see my chiropractor

3. Disneyland!

4. Seeing/staying with Anna (and getting to know EG better)

5. Spending time at Saddleback (my purpose [hahahahaha] for going)

6. Being "home" for 9 days.

At this point, I am already chomping at the bit...I am leaving early next Friday and will probably get home late Sunday...depending on what I do. I really need to focus on the now though because I have plenty to do!

Not sure how much longer I can go without the other behaviors. I am loose ends and so cannot handle my own stuff and having to deal with my mom. I KNOW she is an adult...I know there is truly nothing I CAN do...but I just want to cut until the outsides match the insides.

This is one of the completed crosses! 

This is Pam...she is a "Biblemaniacs" faithful! I hope it continues since her daughter moves to Jr. High in June!  

This is GM...he is a great B-ball player! 

This was a project in our last Biblemaniacs rotation. The kids are making egg shell mosaic crosses in The Creation Station.