The Journey

It's Been Weeks!

2008-11-18T09:15:00.000-08:00

Okay...maybe not weeks and weeks...but geesh...I know I have been a very bad blogger these days. Maybe it's because there has been a lot going on I really can't blog about. Maybe it's because I actually have somewhat of a life these days and so I am often engaged in said life. Maybe it's because while there are some things going well...some of the the usual stuff is not going so well.

Things at the HP continue to be both wonderful and awful. It's mainly wonderful, but I am still trying to get the hang of positioning Sharks' games with varying degrees success. Last Thursday I FINALLY had a good game and it was nice to be teased and not teased because I messed up yet again! This is a busy week for me because we have the San Jose Sports Hall of Fame dinner, Fight Night and Strikeforce. After this weekend, I have nothing until Vincente Fernandez so that gives me time to get Thanksgiving stuff ready to go!

With stuff at the HP keeping me hopping...it's been hard to balance time. Things are going well at church, but I need to do better at balancing all of this. The kids are great, we are planning Winter Camp for the end of January and I love the time I can be with the junior highers. Gigi is now a full fledged hockey fan now that she has been to a couple games and we are going to see "Twilight" next week. The relational stuff has always been my strong point in ministry and that continues to be so.

Eric. There is actually a lot I can't say about him. We got together last night with another friend of ours and it was one of the best nights I have had in a long time. It simply amazes me the amount of trust he has in me (and Susan) with the little stuff and the HUGE stuff in his life. This is a friendship that I think I will have for life and would never do anything to betray his trust. It also gave me the opportunity to be open about the ED and the struggle I have been having the last week or so.

The last week has been a HUGE struggle ED wise...but it's starting to get better. I even had Boost pudding for breakfast!

Be Careful What You Ask For...

2008-11-05T11:38:00.000-08:00

I have been after Eric to start a FB...mainly because I thought it would save $$ from texting all the time. He doesn't do email much and I think prefers to talk/text. I dropped it because I have become OK with that and truthfully, I like to talk to him. He's pretty much the first person I talk to in the morning and the last person I talk to at night. I'm sure for him it's his wife...but in my pathetic life...it's him.

Now I have to watch what I say. I took down one note that mentions him and he may not even flip through all my stuff...

An unepmployed construction worker is a very bored one. I really hope he can get on a new crew soon...for a lot of reasons!

Food Police

2008-10-23T10:15:00.000-07:00

I am doing OK food wise. Could be better, could be worse...but I haven't purged in four years, still have never binged, etc. I have not found a great way to eat when I am at the HP and I am working on it. Truthfully, I don't feel great when I eat there. ARAMARK does a fine job and I don't mean their food...I mean the stress/anxiety of event days just cause my appetite to flee and last week I felt downright sick to my stomach after eating before the Sharks game.

Enter Eric. I have no clue to even begin to describe our friendship and how much it means to me (which is weird as well). Eric, for some reason, has has taken to being Food Police. Here's the thing. Eric has NO clue about my history. I haven't told him and I highly doubt any of the four others at the HP I trusted enough to tell (well...the EMT after the Bon Jovi incident I had to tell...but I do trust her) would tell him. I just don't see it as general conversation material or even gossip. You should hear the diet/body stuff I have to deal with on a daily basis. Could that be triggering? Maybe. Probably. There are days... All that aside, the talk upsets me more than triggers me.

So the question, "Have you eaten today?" gets asked early and often. If I say soup...I have to say what it was and that it wasn't broth. This comes from one of the trusted people. The scary part is that she KNEW to ask if it were only broth. I think she had it all figured out before I told her a thing. It doesn't just come from Eric (obviously), but it becomes almost the first thing he says to me when I see him. We may text about Fantasy Football through the day...but the minute I step foor in Base and he's there...he asks.

Yesterday was a bad day. It was "Cookie Day" and I had one oatmeal cookie and water. I was "busy." Truthfully, food just didn't sound good (though I ate when I got home last night) and I was making up for the "tons" of food I ate on Monday. I get up to Base and as we were walking to briefing he asked me. I told him no. He said something, but I didn't hear him. I will not put him in the psoition of asking him if it looks like it'd hurt me to miss a meal...no guy should have to answer than question! It's a no win for them! Later he took a break and bought a bag of Dorito's and a Diet Dr. Pepper and we are good enough friends that I can just take eat his chips. He ended up giving me the rest of the bag since he had to go back to work.

I hate when people play "Food Police." It doesn't quite bother me as much for people who know I would just as soon not eat than eat most of the time...but with Eric it becomes shade of Robbie and that scares me. It scares because that didn't end well. Okay, the situation itself was a lot different. They are nothing alike, the relationships are nothing alike...but we can't build a friendship on Eric playing Food Police.

I know I need to talk to him about it, but I don't quite know what to say. I don't want to text it, I don't want to email it...we need to actually talk about it. Maybe on my birthday? We'll be at the Sharks game and maybe I'll have a chance. I really don't want to tell him anything. I guess I just need to him that I am 6 months and 6 days older than he is and that he needs to let me make my own decisions on when to eat.

Grrrrr.....

Where Does the Time Go???

2008-09-26T08:57:00.000-07:00

Sharks: Pre-season starts tonight! Well, we played in Anaheim on Wednesday, but out first home pre-season game starts tonight! Woo hoo!! I will maybe see 30 seconds of the game...but the energy in that building for hockey is amazing and I cannot wait to be part of that. Due to the hours I now work, I could use the energy to keep me going!

This season, Eric (one of the sups) and I are splitting to 10 game Shark Paks! I debated spending the money, but I am glad I did it. It will my only chance to see games and I don't have to worry about work. They are upper bowl seats, but not bad at all!

Work@ the HP: Love it, love it, LOVE it. I am sore, I am exhausted, I don't get paid near enough...but I DON'T care! Even when I whine I can't wait to get there because I do love what I do there. It can be stressful, frustrating and way too much can be expected of me...but I manage to get it all done in a fairly timely manner. That may end with the new door sign project I need to do. The machine is sooooooo slow! It's like a puzzle. Using my knowledge of the ushers by working with them and hearing "stuff" and matching them where they can be successful for an event. Granted, Mike changes things, but I really try to do what I think is best at the time.

Work@Church: After thinking I was not going to have a job...that has changed and so I am balancing it! Okay, the picture if JH and I am just a volunteer...but those are "my" girls! It's going well. Kick Off was fun, we are into our first rotation workshops for the year and I am excited!

ED Stuff:

It's going. That makes it sound worse than things really are. The hole I dug myself into when I was sick has improved, but not so much that Toni feels good about it. I couldn't make her any promises with food other than what I eat I will keep down. I just passed my four year anniversary of no purging last week!

I am eating, but probably not enough. This week was better than last week and that's a good sign. One would think with all the walking I do I'd actually lose weight...but nope.

Being exhausted has made time with Rob drastically improve. I think I just plain do not have the walls up because I am so tired! It's paying off. It's not fun. I leave there feeling nauseated, end up in a fog and then just want to crawl into a hole someplace. Yesterday Rob had me take three deep breaths before leaving. I think I stop breathing from time to time when I am in there.

That's pretty much it. I want to blog better/more...but I sit to write and then something else gets my attention.

No Longer a Probie!

2008-09-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

Okay...not that type of probation...but I liked the patch!

Yesterday I got to work and it was time for Mike and Pam to be in meetings. Pam was in one meeting and then Mike went into one or two more. He finally emerges and calls us into his office. I grab notes I have, the positioning for one of the weekend events and my pen.

We sit down and Mike closes the door. That is truly a rarity. First off he tells us that we will not be moving desks! Woo hoo! Now we can get things unpacked from last week and have a functional desk again! He said there was really no real reason for us to move and moving Patrick to our spot wouldn't make a difference (efficiency wise) on way or another.

I also have some data entry stuff that will be added to my growing list of duties. And I do mean growing! This is coming from another area and this is viewed as a good thing...others are taking notice.

Then Mike tells me that my probation period is over. I laughed. I told him I knew we talked about it before I was hired and it totally left my head and thought process. I told him nothing I have done has been because I was on probation so he doesn't have to worry things will change. Just the day before yesterday he made some comment that I am too good at my job and there is no way I would change anything. After this month Pam and I are not to work on events together (not that we have much anyway...but he doesn't realize that). He wants us to work on Sharks together since this will be new for me...but he said that I have shown the learning curve will be short. So, we will do the pre-season together and the opening night and after that I am on my own!

We went on with our day...I called the minors telling them if I don't have their work permit this weekend they will be sent home, printed out a check list for Sharks to become familiar with it pre-positioning and got ready for the hiring session.

I am getting more comfortable with the process and it's easier to turn people away when I know they will not fit with our department. I passed three onto Decision Makers. Mike passed the first one onto the PDI, Eric (dork!) rejected my 2nd and I left before #3 got to the DM. If 2 of the 3 are hired I'll be happy. I think all three would have been good, but the 1st and last ones were my favorites.

I went downstairs to grab my stuff and Pam followed shortly after. We talked for a little while and I was laughing about the spacing out my probation. She said he may have told me today, but she figured it was over the day he started giving me more stuff to do. I told her that my first candidate I passed on Mike was the DM and was so glad he passed through. Pam said Mike trusts my judgement and thinks very highly of me.

Don't ask me why I'm stunned...but I am!

Who Knew??

2008-09-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

The circus is over and aside from a few rookie mistakes...it was a good first experience for me. I should do better with this round of events in the nex week. I hope so!

Towards the end of the run I got sick. The last couple days of the circus were not fun. Sunday was a killer. I felt awful and was glad I was working on somethng else that day and not the circus itself.

I never intended to stop eating. I was feeling icky last Monday and had dinner. I couldn't taste it a all. So, I just stopped. I wasn't hungry anyway and I guess I figured there was no point if I couldn't taste the food. I do know how lame that is and also saw it getting out of hand in a few short days. I mean I ignored "Cookie Day" at work! C-O-O-K-I-E Day! I had allowed myself a cookie each Wednesday for a few weeks...during the circus more than one! I justified it because I was going from one end of the arena to the other, up and down stairs, etc. Plus I just wanted to!

By last Thursday I had nothing but sugar free iced coffee and water...a a bottle of G2. I emailed Toni so she knew what she would be dealing with last Friday. I wanted salad. She woudn't let me. I had to get pizza. I bought a piece of cheese pizza and tore the crust and ate it. I took one bite of the pizza itself and it tasted like a mouth full of fat! The good that came out of our time is she got to see the struggle and we were able to talk through all of it. I didn't eat the pizza, but it was such a good thing to talk through what was going through my head why trying to eat, play with and otherwise ignore the pizza.

Saturday I started allowing myself to have 1/2 cups of chili 1-2 times a day and a couple pieces of chicken here and there. My mother took matters into her own hands (though she thinks I am eating more than I am) and we had Mc D's for dinner last night. UGH! I wanted the chili...basically she pulled the if I don't eat what she wants she just won't eat herself. ^%^&%$###!!!

I don't want to eat. I know I have to. I know there are a lot of reasons (irrational reasons...but reasons just the same) besides not being hungry that has brought this on, but I haven't been able to work around those reasons to allow myself to eat. At least I know they are irrational. At least I see Rob tomorrow.

As Toni and I talked I also realized I had been cutting back again and just didn't realize it. The things I usualy eat at work I didn't bother with eating. I never stopped to eat period. I'd down a Boost puding when I got there and that would be it. I just hadn't thought much about it.

I dug myself out of the hole I was in after the YS contest fairly well. But I am guessing not far enough if I could spiral back this easily.

Join the Circus Like You Wanted to, When You Were a Kid...

2008-08-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

The circus opens tonight at the HP! The last two days I have been walking from the employee entrance to the offices so I have to walk through the Zamboni vom area and have been able to see props, etc. for this year's show. I may not get to see much, but I am sooooooooo excited! I think it is going to be a lot of fun for those who will be there as guests.

It is going to be strange to not usher at any of the shows. It is strange when I don't usher at all! The last time I donned my blue coat was for Coldplay. Chances are, the only time I will next month is for the gymnastics tour where they have put me in the Event Office. Sigh... I really wanted to be a "normal" usher doing a "normal" job. I mean it IS a normal job...but not like an aisle, the doors, etc.

Last year someone said to me they wished at times we could just be "normal" ushers again. I told her that time for us passed quickly and it will never be the same for us again. It has been very true...even more so for me right now. And, while I do miss just hanging out with the other ushers, I love what I am doing. I don't care if it's the "definition of entry level." I think it something I can be really good at doing, but some of that does mean being a "plain 'ol usher." Before I left yesterday I was taking to Janice (a sup who also does scheduling) about loving what I do and that part of what helps me in positioning is being with ushers, working with ushers and hearing the sups in the Event Office talking about ushers. The more I am dressed in normal business stuff, the less I will know and be able to see who would do well where.

I was telling Rob that I am so afraid I am going to blow this. Enjoying it, thinking I can be good at it, etc. is a figment of my imaginiation and that it won't last because I am me. The word "deserves" comes into it a lot. He says I have the opposite problems of some. While there are those who think they deserve evrything and have a huge sense of entitlement I am the opposite. I don't think I deserve anything good and am entitled to nothing!

I'll get to the HP today and hit the ground running to get everything on our end ready. I cannot wait for the doors to open and watch the kids as they come in the doors and see what Barnum * Bailey Ringlinf Bros. has in store for them!

I'm #4!!!!!

2008-08-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

That title sounds extremely funny to my ears! With all the Olympic hoopla and the wanting to be #1 (and yes, I get why) the fact that I am #4 and thrilled with it just makes me giggle.

I was at the HP yesterday and we were in a meeting to talk about some special event circus stuff as well as an upcoming disaster drill. Mike was letting me and Pam know who he is thinking of inviting to staff the drill. he said he wanted the high performing ushers and whipped out "The List."

Now, because I work in the Event Office as an usher for events, I learned about "The List" last year. Not sure where I fell, not sure who rated me what...but I knew it existed.

Mike pulls it out and tells me it's the usher ratings. Then he tells me not to worry I scored very high. Believe me, I wasn't worried. I was curious where I ranked, but not worried. Let's face it, no matter how high I scored this year, with my office work and lack of ushering shifts, my score is bound to go down next year!

He checks the list and tells me that I am #4. Out of 200+ ushers I am #4. Wow.

In theory I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. I know what I try to do when I am there and yet I am still surprised. Happy about it, but surprised. Then I try to over analyze my motives. WHY have I worked hard? Why this, why that, why "whatever." I try not to do that too much because it can and will drive me bonkers!

I am trying to focus on the fact I LOVE being an usher, I love the people (most of them...probably 95% of them) I work with, I love most of the guests that come through our doors, etc. Since I "love" so much about what I do there it stands to reason that my rating would be what it is for this year. But since when does "reason" do well in my head?

The "voice" is there reminding me I don't deserve to be rated so high, that I just fake all this to get a high rating, that I did it by kissing up to the sups (OK...that one I can actually refute easily), etc. Rob always says don't fight it, just it it play out, etc. Easier said than done. Well, in a few hours we'll have an hour to talk about it!

Normal...Friday was "Normal"

2008-08-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that while Rob was on vacation I didn't do a whole lot of pondering about anything we have been talking about. Not sure how much of it was a conscience decision to put all that aside while he was in Mexico. Before he left I sent him a couple emails and that was it until the "highlight" email I sent him on Sunday.

When I had my cutting slip June 2007 Rob called me on the word "slip." I didn't do it on accident...it was a choice so how could it be a slip? That's the terminology I have been using for YEARS and at one point I did tell him I could have stopped, I could have called him...but I chose not to...I get the personal responsibility thing. Ever since then I try not to use the word "slip." I don't remember what we were talking about that last session, but I was talking about the fact I am heading toward 4 years of no purging and except for the one blip...no cutting. HE used the word slip and we kind of got into it because he was so against that word. I emailed him to apologize for they way I reacted.

ANYWAY...I just didn't kind of let it all go. Not that things didn't pop up in my head, but I just tried to follow my goal from Toni (intuitive eating stuff...sorry...Boost pudding is breakfast) and ignore everything else.

Got invited to the Supervisors outing to the San Jose Giants game last Friday. I was surprised. I am not a supervisor, I am a lowly positioning assistant. But Mike invited me, Yvette and Patrick anyway. I took my grandpa with me and off we went to watch the Giants play the Modesto Nuts!

I still don't do well with food and large groups. It makes me nervous, I never know what I should eat, etc. Even when it is people I am fairly comfortable with I have a hard time. So, I looked at my dinner ticket over and over and the three options and chose the chicken. A good choice on many levels. We got out dinners, I went over and got our beer and went and sat with a bunch of people. It was refreshing that NO ONE cared! I should say that for the first time in a long time it dawned on me that NO ONE cared! No one cared what my choice of sides were, no one cared I couldn't finish it all (it was a lot of chicken and I purposely didn't eat a lot that day...oh wait...I usually do that!) and no one cared that I had a churro and a few cookies later!

Karen's (she's a sup) husband didn't want to do musical chairs. Somehow I got talked into it. It was me, Yvette, Shawn's (he's a sup) wife and Mike. I am not sure why I gave in so easily, but I did and played. I thought for sure I'd get out first! It came down to Mike and I. He won. Grrrr... It was so much fun and I didn't really think how stupid I probably looked.

Actually:

I came home from that night just feeling so "normal" for the first time in months. I dawned on me after that the whole week had felt fairly "normal."

I swam...in the ocean...at the beach...I cannot tell you the last time I did that. I wasn't 100% self-conscious about it either. I was with the junior highers and it was fun! We called Paul a wimp ("I am secure in my "wimpiness"), made him come in sans wet suit, we ate ice cream and sang all the way home.

There is a one problem with "normal." I can DO normal. I can push all the other stuff aside and be "normal" and it will last. In fact, it can last a long time and I can forget everything that is under the surface until something happens and blows "normal" to pieces. I won't truly be able to do "normal" until the under the surface stuff keeps getting talked about. There are times though, that the stuff that lurks seems scarier to deal with than the promise of normal.

Geesh...Sorry!

2008-08-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

Not sure what I am sorry for. Not sure if anyone even look at this...but I cannot believe that I haven't posted in over a month!

Boost Update: Toni gave me the sad news that she considers Boost a SNACK and not a meal. This is not a happy thing. In fact, it's been a meal. It pretty much becomes breakfast. It's 240 calories. That is NOT a snack! But, it's also 240 calories I would not have otherwise so if I want it to be breakfast it is going to breakfast!

Job Update: LOVE, LOVE, LOVE what I am doing at the HP. Yes, it is very much as advertised (the definition of entry level), but I am having a lot of fun. I need to learn excel quickly! I think part of the "love" comes from the fact that it is totally different than what I do at church and change is not bad. Plus, it gave me an excuse to go shopping! Now I need to go show shopping!

Everything Else: It's going. Had a smaller but very fun VBS in July. The Power Lab theme rocked! It was so much fun! My volunteers were great and the parent feedback was amazing! The theme and stories really clicked with the kids this year more so than the last few years. Those have been good years as well...but this one just had an extra "something."

Doing stuff with JH and we've had a good summer. There are only 7 JHers now and so that makes it hard because youth group has been 2-3 kids...but I enjoy the time with them no matter what. This week we have Gilroy Gardens and the beach.

We had to put one of the cats to sleep last Tuesday. Poor Missy. She was one sick little kitty at the end. Mom had her since she was only 3-4 weeks old and bottle fed her and everything.

Rob and his family were in Cancun for vacation last week so I had 10 days to myself! I missed him a lot and it was so good to see him yesterday. Not that I always "need" him, but I like the fact he is around and that I can email/call him. It was a good 10 days but an eventful 10 days and I wish he would have been around! But, I think this is probably the best I have done with him gone. I emailed him once to give him the highlights to save time yesterday...but that was it.

There's more...I just need tot hink about it!

Back to a Supplement...

2008-07-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

Five years ago I was anti-eating what was prepared for me. Actually, for a good 18 months I was anti-eating much of anything. When I went to Remuda LIFE the last time I was introduced to the chocolate goodness of Boost Pudding because I ate it...a LOT during my 60 days there. Not so much the last 3-4 weeks, but at the beginning I was eating it because I wasn't big on eating actual food. Then there was the time I had to have it because I wouldn't eat TWO Oreos. Ummm...I should have just had the Oreos because the pudding gave me more calories!

Anyway, after coming home I had a patch (one of several in the last five years) where I needed it again because I didn't want to eat real food. That passes fairly quickly and I actually wasted quite a few of them.

As I said, I have made huge strides stopping the free fall/hole I had dug for myself earlier this year. I am eating a fairly wide range of food again and have the go ahead to hit the gym after VBS with some time restrictions (what do you mean 2hoirs of cardio per workout isn't normal???) so I don't go off the deep end with it (again).

After two days on the new job I realized something else. My 1/2 hour meal break (if I work over 6 hours) is going to be a JOKE because there are 10 million things to do and it has to be done...NOW. For the most part I really do thrive with stuff like that. Friday I LOVED running around with Pam like a chicken with my head cut off to get ready for Strikeforce. The 15 minute break we took seemed like a total waste of time when I could be DOING something! But, after having just a piece of pizza when I saw Toni at noon, I realized that's not going to cut it anymore. I think it could...once I fall back into major "restricto-mode," but do I want to do that? Of course part of me does want to do that. Once I hit starvation high mode I could work all day and be fine...until I crash and burn.

After thinking about it and knowing what I need to do, I ordered a case of Boost Pudding. I have access to a fridge at work and it will be easy to put a 4 cans in the fridge and consume one in 15 minutes. Part of me feels like depending on Boost is a huge step backward and I should come up with real food I can inhale in 15 minutes. That's part of the problem. I don't want to inhale food in 15 minutes. I stopped trying to do that pretty early on when I started ushering. It's too difficult and I end up feeling sick. Toni agrees. We'll talk about more options when I see her on the 11th. At least it's 200+ calories that are nutritionally balanced.

In my session with Rob yesterday he brough up the "having enough fuel" thing and I hadn't told any of this. In fact, we haven't talked about food since I got back from vacation in May. That got me thinking about all of this as well.

Today before I head over there I may stop for some Ensure or Boost liquid until the shipment comes in late this week/early next week. I am there 3 days this week. Today, Wednesday and for the SaberCats game on Saturday. I really don't want to blow this opportunity and for now I am fairly willing to do what I need to do to prevent another "Bon Jovi Incident" at work!

Update...

2008-06-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

It has been ages since I talked about being in limbo. Much of it can now be talked about!

Right after I learned that my job may no linger exist at the church, I was approached by one of the Sups at the HP. It seems Patrick (who assists in various and sundry "stuff") is moving on within the HP (Guest Services Coordinator) and that leaves an opening. Was I interested? Ummm...yes, please!

I then met with our Manager of Ushering/Medical for an hour sit down. He said it defines "entry level," but that didn't matter to me. I love that place heart and soul and was just plain honored I was even thought of. He asked for my resume so after hunting it down I added to it (he wanted EVERYTHING...college stuff, newspaper stuff, PR stuff) and then had a quick "meeting" with our Director of Guest Services. Last Thursday Mike pulled me off the floor during George Michael (sigh...still like his music...he sounded amazing) and offered me the position. I start after seeing Rob today!

I took my whole HP paycheck (it's summer...it wasn't huge) and bought some clothes I can wear in the office. We are way casual here. I haven't worn "real clothes" for work since I left the CC almost 7 years ago.

ED stuff...I am doing a lot better. I have stayed out of the gym (which is really bad, actually) and am trying to eat more and am successful most of the time. Huge problem with dairy. I had cut it out without realizing it and now even a glass of milk makes me sick. Seeing Toni tomorrow to work on that. I am thinking I may nee to take Lactaid for a bit and start back slowly.

I need to find that balance. I haven't gained a whole lot back, but a few pounds. Some of it may have simply been from properly rehydrating myself. I miss the gym and need to figure out how to just exercise for the sake of exercise and not because I need to burn 1000 calories per workout!

LIMBO

2008-06-04T08:50:00.000-07:00

I hate limbo. Unfortunately, I am in a state of limbo in a few different areas of my life. Some of it is pretty much by choice and I take responsibility for that limbo. Other stuff is beyond my control and I am dealing with it as best I can. Depending on the day it can be well or can be a bit paralyzing. Or, as I told Rob, I try to push it all away because "I don't have time for limbo...too much is going on!"

The one area I can talk about is ED limbo. My vacation last month really through me off. I've come home and cannot get myself to the gym. Not that I don't need it, but I also came home and a week or so later I woke up (literally) to a major depressive episode and so I feel positive that I am up, groomed and dressed on a daily basis!

I was reading an ED bulletin board last night and was looking at an update from one woman going into treatment this weekend. I looked up the place where she is going and they had an EAT-26 test on the site. It's a screening test for EDs. Any score over 20 and they suggest seeing a professional. My score was over 2x the 20. Yeah...I think I was actually a bit surprised.

In the last few weeks I know I have gained back some of what I lost in the last few months. I feel very mixed about it. I know the reasons. I haven't been to the gym and have allowed myself to eat more than I have in a long time. That being said I know I am not eating near (at least most days) what I should be...but my vacation kind of ruined my toast and grilled veggies with lean protein every so often meal "plan." Not that I pigged out. BUT...Gina and I shared nachos at the Angels game. I think I had 2 beers during the week. Oh and my last day I had a Monte Cristo sandwich.

I did a ton of walking. In fact, I used to (both pre and post being really sick) take Main Street vehicles, the train, the monorail, etc. to get around Disneyland because it IS a ton of walking. This trip I only rode in the train because I wanted to ride in the Lily Belle and the monorail because I had just come from The Rain Forest Cafe and it was right there. I took stairs with gusto and even to my 5th floor hotel room. I thought that justified what I ate. In fact, I came home and scale really hadn't budged...woo hoo!

Since then I have just been lazy. Okay, it's laziness caused my depression, but it might be helped if I got off my behind and got back to the gym! I also have allowed more food to pass through my lips. Yes, a bit more in quantity, but also types of food. I have come home and kind of started eating more than grilled veggies and toast with some lean protein tossed in for good measure. However, now that my mom managed to get the bottom drawer of the oven open (woo hoo...thanks mom!), I can make my own grilled veggies as my stove top grill thingie was in that drawer!

I was on Google Reader this morning and read this (click on it...for some reason it didn't show up as a "clickable" link) The Weighting Game and thought about my own relationship with peanut butter. It is always the first thing that goes when I start restricting and the last thing I add back in. Not that I don't like it, but even when I allow myself to eat it it's not something I do on a regular basis. She also added her no fail PB cookie recipe. It's the same on I use when I make Doug, Rob and my grandpa cookies. That got me thinking as well.

In 2000 when I was at Remuda we had a cooking group. In one group we made cookies. Scary, yes, but you get 16 women recovering from an ED making chocolate chip cookies it is also chaotic and a bit of a "disaster." I stepped back, let others do what they needed to do and tried to not freak. At some point I was talking to my dietitian and talked about wanting to do a grocery trip/cooking experiential. We talked about the cookie thing and she agreed it would be a good idea to do it together. So, we made a menu and went grocery shopping. That was the first time I had done any real shopping in a year or so. That's when I changed my mind on dessert and wanted to make those cookies. I had one...maybe 2 and then gave the rest to my Psychiatrist. Found another fan for my baking and sent him a Christmas box the first 2 I was out.

I say I am in limbo because I have some choices to make. Head back to the gym and workout again like a mad woman. I truly do LOVE the 2 hour cardio workouts! Go back to the restrictive eating and keep losing weight..even if it's way slower than ever before or try to do moderate exercise and try to expand my horizons (AGAIN) with food even if I hate every minute of it.

Now that I am a little more nourished and my brain is working a bit better than it had been I see what is the healthy thing to do. But, the drive to feel empty, to deny myself what I want and to burn calories like there is no tomorrow is pulling at me.

Think, Think, Think...

2008-05-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

I want to write about my vacation...in fact I will next week...but that's kind of not on my mind right now. It was a good week and I was very intentional about spending time with certain friends that have been the most supportive in the last several years. That was a great choice!

Yesterday Rob said he couldn't be sure what I was going to take from our session and I am pretty sure I attached myself to the wrong thing...but it got me thinking.

At one point he made a comment that I have to decide if the things in my life are worth living for or not and of they aren't to take my life. While I doubt that's what he wanted me to focus in on...since it has been an issue he should have known.

The fact is I have been under a suicide contract with him since 2003 which basically states that as long as I see him not only will I not do it...I will also not make an attempt. Doing so would mean automatic termination of therapy. That stupid little piece of paper has made a HUGE difference in keeping me somewhat sane and less impulsive. HOWEVER, given what he said, I now am thinking that maybe I should take the break he comes back to every few months and see what I really feel.

I have mixed feelings about it, but part of me wants to know.

This Week...

2008-05-13T22:17:00.000-07:00

This was a good week to come "home." I didn't choose these dates for the reasons I am writing about, but because they worked out well for me. But, as I began thinking about this week, it was no accident.

Eight years ago tomorrow marks the date I made a half-hearted attempt at suicide. I went to church, came home and called my mom and grandma to tell them Happy Mother's Day and then took a few too many anti-depressants. There were a lot of "reasons." I was at my sickest (though still overweight...thanks PCOS!), I was depressed and my therapist was leaving. Big picture they are not good reasons (not that there is such a thing)...but it was enough to send me over the edge. I knew I wasn't safe. I lied to Marc and then called him later and told him I lied. Then two days later I called and told him what I had done. I was at the hospital when he finally checked messages and called me back. I don't know HOW I talked my way out of being admitted that night, but the psychiatrist let me go.

That happened, two days later he left and I went into the hospital for almost a week. I came home, went home to San Jose ended up in the ER for dehydration and started looking into IP treatment at Remuda.

The beauty of this week is being surrounded by friends who walked that road with me. I intended to not tell anyone I was here...but I got to Orange County and that all changed. I spent two hours with someone who never gave up on me. I lost a lot of friends and had a lot of relationships change because of the ED...but Kari was a rock. She got me out of my office once a week and was OK with the fact she ate and I drank Ensure Light. It was so good to have lunch with her. I even ate real food!

My chiropractor is the other person. He was the first person I told I relapsed. He acted as my doctor, my therapist and the catch all for a long time. He doesn't charge me for office visits (and hasn't for over 8 years) and he once told me that he would do whatever he could to minister to me. He has been a prayer warrior and outside of Rob is the only other human being I trust 100% with EVERYTHING. We've had our moments...mainly when I was really sick...but that hasn't changed our relationship.

In some ways I seem so different than I was then and in others it's like yesterday. All things considered I am in a better place emotionally, but I still miss Marc at times and it's no secret there are times I wish I had succeeded in ending it and let's face it...I am close to or possibly IN a relapse...but as long as I am still breathing there is still hope.

Tomorrow I will go back to Disneyland/DCA and then see my chiropractor afterward. It feels so good to see him this week. It feels good to have people in "real time" that I know haven't given up on me even though I keep falling over and over. I'll again acknowledge the day but then go on with the day. I still have a jungle to cruise, a land full of fantasy to explore and a trip on the Rivers of America needs be taken! Then I will drive to Irvine, sign in and tell Doug once again how happy I am he is in my life and how much he means to me.

On Saturday I will try and remember what Marc's letter said to me and try to block out the questions he left me with when my stupid stunt trumped what I think we both wanted our last session to be.

I am trying to depend on walking around instead of killing myself in the workout room here at the hotel. I am not a treadmill or bike person so it's the best option. I was doing fine on no food until I got off Space Mountain. I can't believe I paid $1.75 for a banana! Better that then hitting the pavement.

Went to ESPN Zone for dinner. Couldn't finish it. I ate all the chicken, but there was enough pasta there for three people! I hated leaving it because it was really good, but there was no way I was going to put that much food in this body!

Day 1 (well...evening 1)

2008-05-13T07:53:00.000-07:00

Day 1

2008-05-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

Today is my first full day. I drove down yesterday and it only took 5 1/2 hours. Hmmm... I wasn't going THAT fast and other cars were passing me.

I wanted to sleep in, but that wasn't to be! So, I am up and showered. I need to pack up in an hour or so. I think I'll do the pedicure before I go semi-surprise my chiropractor. He knows I am coming...just not sure when I'll show up in his office.

Tonight my friend Steve and I will head out to the Angels game. The picture is from last year. This year I got us tickets on the Club level. That should be fun...and they do in seat service!

Food stuff has me stressed. I am hoping away from the eyes of my mom and stuff that maybe I can normalize it a little...take in a bit more than I am now. Thankfully, there is Bengal BBQ at Disneyland and I could eat there 24/7.

I just need to keep in mind that for four days of this trip I am going to be walking...a lot and that means it's OK to eat more/different stuff than I have been in the last few months.

The BIG Question...

2008-05-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

Let me just say that my ED as well as almost everyone else who has or has had an ED is NOT vanity related...not at the heart of it anyway. I think that's clear, but one would be amazed how many out there believe it is all about food/weight/looking good, etc. I just kind of liked the graphic.

That being said, I can't deny that the weight loss for me isn't a good thing. It has helped with the PCOS stuff (though frankly it's making my cycle go all wonky) and while I truthfully don't SEE it or even feel it really...I know how my clothes fit...as in NOTHING fits. I may not be able to deny it, but Toni does. She very much feels that weight loss for me is not needed right now because the point was to get me in a stable eating pattern for a period of time before it was addressed. I am not sure when I decided I hated weighing XXX (yeah...like I'd actually admit how much) and needed to do something about it. IMHO, a 30+ pound loss in three months is not excessive or too quick a loss. I have dropped that much a lot quicker in the past. I am NOT at the gym 7 days a week (heck...I think I am looking at only 2x this week), I am NOT purging and I AM eating (sort of). And, other than the first week in April when I had those almost passing out problems I have been fine.

Who am I trying to convince? Those who still may read blog this or myself? Toni pretty much thinks I have relapsed, I won't ask Rob because his answer will be, "It doesn't matter what I think...what do you think?" He also seems to think if I choose to make the right decisions I am going to be able to pick up a fork and eat a plate of pasta (in a moderate amount, of course). I think that's where a disconnect is happening. I stare at menus, I stare into the fridge and I want to eat...I really do...but there are times where I honest to goodness simply "can't."

I have always found the "fat aspect" fascinating with my whole ED-NOS diagnosis. It is what it is because I AM overweight (thanks to PCOS and some unhealthier eating habits growing up I'm sure), but my thought process and my tendencies all lean toward anorexia. It's almost funny being afraid of getting fat (though I guess "fatter" is more appropriate) when one already is 40+ pounds overweight...but there it is. It's real. I am often in the mindset that whatever I eat is immediately going to turn me into a bigger blimp than I am now, but I have to allow some stuff because I need to keep the body functioning and that includes a bit of actual fat. Yes, intellectually I know the fat in food and the fat in my body are not the same thing...but in the moment that doesn't help nor convince me that I need it.

I no longer weigh what my CDL says I do. I hadn't been at that weight in ages and I am now below it. Believe me, the weight ON my CDL is way above my IBW in the first place...but I was heavier than it said. But, as a few of us were talking about...how many women put their true weights down in the first place!

Do I think I have relapsed? No. I just don't. I think I have hit a rather large bump in the road, but that I am nowhere near relapse. I need to figure out what I am getting from this bump
in the road to keep it going and that is where I am stuck. I don't feel as if I am getting anything out of it. Rob says if I didn't I'd stop. I am getting frustrated at myself, I am getting to where there are a fewer are fewer things I feel comfortable eating (though I did add eggs in)...but beyond that I am not sure what the payoff is for me. Except I can now tap my collarbone!

Excessive? Me?

2008-04-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

I didn't win the BLTM contest. I am actually not sure how much of a shot I really had...but I did come in 5th! I am trying to be positive about it and coming in 5th and that fact I was able to lose almost 30 pounds in 12 weeks while battling (well...living with) PCOS is actually pretty cool.

The last two weeks I started kicking up my cardio. I LOVE cardio. I could do cardio for a long time and not care in the least. Give me my ipod, some great stuff on said ipod, a bottle of water and a towel and I'm good to go! I was doing one hour of cardio each time I hit the gym. Now I try to do between and hour and fifty minutes and two hours. The above machine, along with the elliptical, are my machines of choice.

I honestly do not see 2 hours as excessive. At least not now. Maybe when I hit my IBW, maybe if I dipped below my bottom range...but not now. My dietitian, however, told me it was excessive and to listen to my body. Hmmm... If it were excessive I think my body would not be happy. So far...so good.

This is the TMI part of it (so feel free to stop reading) all. I run my hand down my arms and I can feel the muscles in my arms. It's pretty amazing as my upper body is a zillion times weaker than my lower body. All that standing at the HP has helped I'm sure. I have been working my upper body (well...my whole body) with strength training and I can feel the results even if one can't SEE them. The extra skin, however, is becoming an issue.

My thighs are the same way. The cross trainer along with the strength training has made them stronger and again you can see it in my quads when I kinda flex them. BUT...and I think this is another thing with the PCOS...you cannot tell because my thighs are HUGE. This isn't body image distortion...it's true. It's not the natural "spread" when one sits down. This is you can tell I have lost weight there but there is so much extra skin and stuff that my legs looks worse now that when I was 30 pounds heavier.

I was reading an article in "Clean Cooking" magazine about a supplement that could help with it and it may be working, but makes the extra skin thing worse. For the first time I might actually be able to say I have pretty good legs...but that just ruins it.

I am hoping/praying as the weight continues to come off this will rectify itself somewhat. I was truly horrified last night.

After a day break it is back to the gym and back to my 2 hours on cardio and 30 minutes or so of strength training. This will be "discussed" with Toni on Friday. Ugh!

Not a Bigger Loser Than Marko...

2008-04-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

...the man LOST over 60 pounds! Without totally falling into ED behaviors I couldn't even hope to have done that! That is so awesome!

My final weight loss is just under 30 pounds. Had we been able to go the weekend (like every other week) I would have hit it for sure. Had I not taken a gym break when I was crazy busy I would have made my goal.

So, I have quite a bit to go until I hit the top of my IBW, another three months stint like this after that to get to the bottom. My guess is my the end of the year, if all goes as planned and I don't pig out on vacation, I can get to my mid-range.

Weird Dreams...

2008-04-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

The last couple of nights I have had a couple weird dreams. You have seen my picture...I have not now nor will ever need an NG tube...but that's what has been going on in my dreams.

I am at some really, really bad treatment center...not that you can't find ways no matter where you are...but in this dream this is a particularly bad center. For some odd reason, I am there and even odder have an NG tube. I am not any thinner than I am now so I have no clue why I'd have one, except maybe that has always been a fear of mine.

Maybe it's the lack of food. No, this weekend I ate and feel like I ate and ate and ate. Two days of feeling a little dizzy, a little lightheaded and just a little "off" forced me to eat way more than I probably have in any other four day period in weeks. Of course, in terms of the contest, I lost NOTHING last week and am not so sure about this week. I work tonight through Saturday at the HP and today through Sunday at church. I need to at least get cardio in three days this week. Granted, today and Thursday I will be doing a lot of standing. I assume the samw thing for Rascal Flatts on Friday...but Wednesday and Saturday I SIT the whole time. Grrrr....

I had a strange but good session with Rob. He told me, AGAIN, he won't get all uptight about my silences and that maybe I need them. I emailed him later and told him I hoped he meant it because he has said it before and it hasn't lasted long. I think if he really means it that will actually help stop the lapses into silence because I won't feel pressured to hurry up and say something. He also told me that he will no longer ask me if I have cut or purge. He will leave it up to me to talk to him about urges or if I actually do either. That being said, if I wait weeks to tell him that would probably mean either termination or a break. That's fine. In 3 1/2 years I have not slipped with purging and only had one incident of SI last June.

The "funny" thing is he is not concerned with the restriction...which ED is having a field day with. He told me that at least I am eating something. I won't go into calorie counts...but he is right. I am eating something. Forget the fact that I walked around Whole Food for an HOUR last Thursday before I could find something that was OK for me to eat. The zucchini from the hot self serve deli was really good and the roasted mushroom salad wasn't too bad either...even if it was pasta.

I saw Toni on Friday and told her that no matter how much I am struggling and am, of course, not sorry about the weight loss, that I take no pleasure in what's happening. I hate that I am struggling and at the same time have no clue how to stop it. Please, please, please don't say "just stop" or "eat more" because that does not work and food honest to goodness plain scares me right now. I know what to do, but it's like I am frozen and can't/won't take those steps.

I think one of the hardest things about the contest is reading about how people won't eat this or that and I suppose it's a blessing I do hear Toni's voice telling me there are no good or bad foods. Food is food and all is allowed in moderation! Even where i am now that gives me a little freedom. If I want toast...I am going to eat toast. Okay, my food choices are pretty much limited to veggies and toast. Seriously. Unless I am pressed or in a position to have to eat something else...that's all I eat anymore. Oh...grapes. During my hour of walking Whole Foods I bought grapes. But that's it. I don't eat anything else much.

ED basically tells me that if everyone else in the contest isn't eating X, Y or Z then I can top that and not eat A-U. I need to stop listening to ED. But part of me figures why bother? Nineteen years...he has been in my brain for nineteen years in some way, shape or form. What if I have used all my chances to recover? What if the best I can get is a way to live with ED without doing major damage to my body? I am beginning to wonder. If I fall flat on my face there will be no IP again.

Yet even as I type all this out, I firmly believe in full recovery. I KNOW people who have and/or in the process. I think I may be questioning if that is going to happen for me.

I Could Die Happy...

2008-04-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

That was my Tuesday night!

The "R" Word Part 2

2008-03-31T20:26:00.000-07:00

I found this picture on doing an image search. This is pretty close to what I see in the mirror.

According to my camera...this is what I looked like Easter Sunday.

Ugh. I cannot believe I actually posted a real picture...but it goes along with this post so what the heck. People have seen this picture in other places anyway. The two aren't that far off...so that Toni emailed me last week and basically told me I am relapsing really makes me laugh. I am so far from relapse it's nutty. I eat, I do not throw up (been just over 3.5 years!!), I am a cow to begin with and am only down just under 10% of where I was 8 weeks ago.

Rob and I are having some difficulties in our sessions...but they will work themselves out as always. He admitted he is losing patience...but today went well once we really got into everything and he got that that I don't have feelings attached to some stuff that happened as a kid that has caused me to feel that I am just plain bad and wrong. He kept saying "that's what you believe...what do you feel?" I finally told him that I can picture what happened...but the stuff from when I was 4 until I was a little older I don't know what I felt. He got that. That was a good thing.

The one thing that I know I need work on (besides EVERYTHING) is my belief that there is no way I can work on the emotional stuff without using behaviors. I admit it. I am avoiding having to feel a lot of this stuff as we dig in more and restricting will help get me through it. I have never been able to do both the food stuff and the emotional stuff at the same time outside of IP. Well that can never happen again so I have to learn how.

The "R" Word

2008-03-23T21:25:00.000-07:00

No one has used the "r" word yet...but I know it's on their minds. My appointment with Toni was probably the hardest one I have EVER had with her in five years!

I had to commit to one step this week. It will be milk. I realized I quit drinking it. Actually, I have cut most protein and most not whole grain carbs (which I know is a GOOD thing) out of my food choices with the exception of popcorn. In fact, with few exceptions, I am living on popcorn, veggies and a little lean protein if I think about it. Yes, I know this is not smart, good nor helpful...that's why I have Toni. :)

I honestly told her I don't know what to eat anymore. She told me that tells her that I have restricted what I will allow myself to eat so much that at this point I face a battle to not purge when I eat something not on my list. She's right. I haven't purged and haven't really come close...but the few times lately when I am having to eat things I am not comfortable with but need to in order to do what I need to do I have wanted to get rid of it.

I didn't realize how much I have cut out of what was an infinite choice of food in the last several weeks. I guess peanut butter should have been my first clue because I ALWAYS cut it out first. I just didn't think about it. The sad thing is I am EXCITED I haven't put a potato chip in my mouth in months. Not that anyone needs chips...but if you look back to December I was flipping eating lobster rolls and ice cream!

Salad dressing that isn't that isn't fat free will not pass my lips. I have become a fan of diet soda (Sprite Zero is my friend) and I think my mother has no clue what to think. Sometimes she seems to think everything is OK and other times she appears to be making an effort to shop (I do most of it...but she has to at times) for what she thinks I might eat because she knows something not quite right.

Rob and I have been tackling this every session for weeks now. I think Toni and I are finally able to connect every other week (with frequent emails) now that most of my busy schedule is behind me and this is a good thing.

But I really do think it's pathetic the only step I could give her is to try and add milk in the next couple weeks. At least it can be fat free milk! That is NOT and ED thing. I accidentally bought some when I was 10 and my mom said I had to drink it. Totally developed a taste for it and now that is pretty much all I will drink. It seems stupid to be a cow and order a non-fat "whatever at Starbucks...but that's what type of milk I am used to drinking.

Later this week I will try and post something happier because it was a great morning at church. I missed 95% of the service due to the breakfast and egg hunt...but I got to see a bunch of "my kids" get confirmed and/or baptized and that was amazing!

Bumps Along the Way...

2008-03-14T11:22:00.000-07:00

No one ever said this was going to be easy. But, as I am a few short weeks from the 5th anniversary of my last IP treatment, one would think it would be a bit easier by now.

I told Rob yesterday that we would still be having this food/weight/exercise/scale/ED obsession conversation contest or no contest...the contest just accelerated it all. I don't see it as a bad thing because it's actually been "great" talking about the ED stuff...or the root of it.

Back in December he said this to me at one point: "When are you going to talk about something important?" That sent me reeling and we were about to go into a break because of the holidays. I was upset, I was mad and I was a little confused. I remember telling him I thought I HAD been. Now, chances are I started to go off on a tangent and I lost him...it happens a lot...but that comment opened my eyes to stuff...I just haven't bee sure what that stuff was. I wrote him a ranting letter about him giving me a reality check, etc., but when he asked me about it in January I couldn't tell him why and we talked through the rest of it. Since then it hasn't really let me go.

The last couple weeks I have been finally able to formulate some of what was going on in my head into some words. I tried to spit them out yesterday and thank God (literally) He gave Rob the wisdom and discernment to figure out exactly what I meant. Okay, almost 5 1/2 years helps as well...but I was having trouble and Rob got it and said back to me exactly what I was trying to say.

I love my job at the HP. God has used it in amazing ways. I love the guests (most of the time), I love the people I work with (with few exception), I love the sups (more and more all the time), Mike & David are great guys and it has given me a huge confidence/competence/a bunch of other stuff boost. The majority of the time I do what I do because I am there to serve the guests, our department, etc. and not for what I might or might not get from it. I have been absolutely blessed that they have seen something in me that has allowed me some additional training opportunities and responsibility and most nights I can walk out of there pretty sure I have served our guests, fellow staff and sups to the best of my abilities though there are nights I walk out of there kicking myself for some dumb mistakes (i.e. telling a guest to go left rather than right). I feel good about that stuff, but I don't do it to feel good about myself. I guess that's not 100% true. I guess that is the result of doing my job fairly well most of the time, but not my sole motivation.

My point? In that moment Rob said what he did...I realized that I really still hate myself. It is such a conflict because I see what God has done/is doing through this job and at church and yet the feeling of being a waste of space and wanting to take up less space is there.

Yesterday Rob talked about taking care of myself (more than just the grooming/every day stuff) because I have a lousy relationship with myself. He's not really wrong I guess. I told him that I know the big picture of what's going to happen if I keep messing up and I told him there is a part of me that doesn't care and part of me hates that part with a passion. What I need to tell him that I didn't before I left yesterday is that I don't matter. At work what the guests need, what others need from me when I am there is paramount. I wouldn't have it any other way. At church...the kids come first and foremost.

Don't ask me how eating below XXXX calories is going to help anyone...but I am somehow convinced it will. I told him as long as I am not purging what's the big deal? I then told him I know what the big deal is and that's where the "I don't care" stuff came in.

We went over the 50 minutes or whatever we usually do this week...over an hour. So we either went 10 minutes over or 20. That time has been a gift.

So, tonight it is back to Sharks and hopefully our 11th win in a row. The excitement is going to be amazing in the bowl tonight and I get to be there. Wow!

JH Retreat!

2008-03-11T12:08:00.001-07:00

Here are some pix...more to come!

Ummm...Yeah...

2008-03-06T21:09:00.000-08:00

I trust my therapist. After God...I trust him the most. Seriously. I may want to kick him in the teeth every now and then...but I trust him completely.

Today he used words he has never used before...I am not sure if he did it to shock me, to knock me into reality or because he thinks I am not doing so well. He essentially said if I keep this up at the rate I am going...I'm going to end up dead and still hating my body. He has NEVER said that when it comes to ED stuff...not in five years. He said that he never realized (and that I might not have realized) how much I am still obsessed with food and weight...that it's probably still been there...even with the recovery I do have...and that the contest has exacerbated that obsession.

I have a lot of problem with what he said for a lot of reasons. But, I also have reason to stop and listen and process what he said. Next week...after the retreat...

I know my obsession with food has grown exponentially to ED levels. I love Food Network. However, I know it's bad when I watch it with no intention of making anything I see...just think about how I could, how good it would taste and how "strong" I am for not eating boneless, skinless chicken thighs.

I know my preoccupation almost made me take header down the stairs at work last night. I can't blame it on my pants because I got my new, smaller pair yesterday and and so I know longer walk on said pants. I also know that I am wildly distracted.

The thing is...the contest has very little to do with any of this. It came along at a time that some of what's been going on had already been set in motion for reasons that have NOTHING to do with food and weight and everything to do with stuff that caused the ED in the first place. I made that clear today and he knew it...but I think he wanted me to say the words.

Like I told him...I could be 95 pounds and would still not like my body...so it isn't a food/weight issue...it's a whole lot of other stuff.

If anything, this contest is helping me to stick with the core reasons for the ED and to really chip away at stuff. Not that I have been spinning my wheels for the last few years in treatment...but a lot of time has been spent on ending behaviors, a lot of time has been me to afraid to risk and some time has been spent talking sports and movies!

Just Breathe...

2008-03-04T12:57:00.001-08:00

I need to remind myself of this often. I am really busy at the HP, at church and with this contest.

Met with my dietitian on Friday and while she didn't tell me I should quit...she is trying to pull me away from the more self destructive patterns that I have started to engage in since starting this thing. I had to give her three things I am willing to do.

I had actually weaned myself OFF the darn scale the last few months...again! And it was sticking for the most part. Since the contest kicked off I have been on the scale from 1-3 times a day every day. I think we are still in negotiations about how often. I need to re-read her email. She wants me off of it 100%...but that can't be a real attempt until after the contest.

The other thing is the gym. I want 4-6 days a week...she wants three. But we are going to leave this one for our next meeting. With my schedule lately the three is as good as it gets...but that will change. We also disagree on intensity.

The last thing is getting my calories up. I realize with an already screwed up metabolism that major restriction (or burning all I eat through exercise) is not helpful. In my head I know that...but the rest of me can't stand the thought of exercising and then "contaminating" my body by eating more. Again...something we will discuss when I see her next. It's not going to be fun!

The big glaring question, to me, is do I want to relapse? The honest answer is I don't know. There is s till that huge self destructive side of me that says I don't deserve recovery, I don't deserve what is happening at the HP, etc. Part of me thinks I can do this smarter this time around. The fact is I DO need to lose weight. The fact also remains I have a few things working against me and that I should be more understanding with myself...but I really don't know how.

I ended up eating way more (i.e. closer to what I am supposed to be eating) over the weekend and I noticed how clear my thinking became. That should tell me I need to stop. But the darned ED voice has been pretty quiet and that I love.

The Mind is a Terrible Thing...

2008-02-26T16:40:00.000-08:00

We kicked off week 4 of "Are You a Bigger Loser Than Marko?" this week. My head is doing weird things. Like I had dinner the other night and as I was debating if the food should stay in my body I would have sworn that I could see my stomach getting bigger than it is now.

Today, after I worked out I would have sworn the same thing. It was like the shower gave my stomach time to expand about three inches.

The worst thing (okay...trying to keep from relapsing is the worst thing) is I have lost almost x number of pounds and you can't even tell. I am such a cow that it doesn't even show. Hours at the gym and eating well (okay...I generally do...maybe "barely eating" is more truthful) and you'd never know I have lost the weight.

:(

2008-02-17T15:39:00.000-08:00

Williams died from an overdose of sleeping pills, a suicide that was "a direct result of her internal battle with the eating disorder," her sister, Bebe W. Reed, told The Times. "She said she could not fight the fight any longer." LA Times 2/16

I was really "hoping" her heart had just simply stopped. I lost a good friend from treatment almost 18 months because her heart just gave out (and they thought suicide at first) and while I obviously don't want anyone dead from an ED...I'd rather it be a direct cause than this. The scary part...with my friend, with Polly, with two other friends that I am so afraid I am going to lose...they are believers and they DO love God (as did Polly)...but this IS a psychological disease and not one of vanity and it can be so easy to judge. Not saying that about anyone I know...but I know how many times I have heard over the last 19 years, "If you just had enough faith..." Guess what? If I didn't...I'd be dead. I truly don't get how anyone can go through this and not have God and His strength when things get really hard/painful/etc. I know I am standing and still alive because of Him...which makes still struggling at times really hard.

It's been a lousy few days. My body just quit on me yesterday. I couldn't do anything. Today is better...but I am between work things and then youth group so I doubt I'll make the gym (AGAIN...^$$#*&#@~!) again today. That means I didn't go 2 days in a row! Ugh! I am hoping I made up for it a little by my food intake...but the scale is NOT my friend right now! I did order a Yoga DVD just for some relaxation.

Anyway, off to the HP for a two hour sit on my big behind meeting. If we get out early...I may be able to fit cardio in.

After All This Time...

2008-01-29T18:08:00.000-08:00

Monday I realized that after five years in therapy with the same wonderful, awesome and way too good to me therapist I can still uncover stuff that send me into a tailspin....or at least give me a huge headache.

A couple weeks ago he asked me while I still restrict. Okay...I will also there are times he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer...but I digress. After 5+ years he is just NOW asking me that question? He did admit later that maybe he has left the restriction element fly under the radar. Ya think? Of course I am trying to help myself realize it's NOT because I am a beached whale...I mean I AM...but I don't think that's why he has let it go. Anyway...I didn't have an answer for him right then. I know there is always a "secondary" gain to the whole ED and control always plays a little part in it...but still didn't have an answer.

I wrote an article for YMX that will be coming out soon (I hope since the Super Bowl is Sunday and I mention it) that I was sitting up on the catwalk where I work doing a special project. Last week I got to do the same thing (only in a different part of the building) and as I was taking notes two things dawned on me:

I still see ED as a safety net if I need one
There is still a part of me that wishes I had just let ED kill me 8 years ago

Now there are huge problems with the 2nd one. Mainly that my treatment team at the time wouldn't have let that happen if they could do anything in their power to stop it and I had a chiropractor that would have tossed me in his BMW and taken me to the ER himself if he had to. So, while I sometimes wish it were true...I don't think it was ever a true reality that it would have even come close to happening.

Anyway...that last little piece of news "alarmed" Rob. That, in turn, "amazed" me. I have NEVER made it a secret when fleeting thoughts of offing myself would pass through my head. If they ever parked there he'd be the first to know because I'd be right back in the midst of the ED. But I am not. I am eating. I am eating when there are days I don't want to. I am eating even when I don't think I deserve to, need to or feel hungry (there are times when my body cues are off). I am eating AND it is all staying down. The urge to get rid of it doesn't happen much anymore...but the thoughts of doing it can be there. Not to mention the fact that I have been on a suicide contract for 4+ years! I admit I may not be 100% forthcoming but the man almost called 911 on me on CHRISTMAS EVE in 2003. That has been the last Christmas Eve he's worked! I really wish he would have worked this last one because it would be nice to "re-do" a Christmas Eve session.

It was a good session. However, the moment I left his embrace and walked outside I was immediately shaky. Here's my dilemma..."people" choose to call the ED "Ed" and treat it as kind of another person...a way of separating themselves from the ED. It gives them someone to argue with and I guess it can be helpful. For me? Not so much. I feel like it takes any personal responsibility away from the person with the ED. "I didn't purge...it was Ed." Last time I checked...ED didn't have fingers. But, for lack of better words...I do refer to it as the ED voice. My dietitian gets it. Rob looks at me funny at times though. I digress...AGAIN!

The little ED voice in my head starts in on me for being that honest with him, for opening up just a little bit more, etc. It honestly made me shaky and dizzy. As much as I have hated the last 36 hours or so...I know that feeling means I did the right thing and started to untangle some of the tangles mess that still is inside.

Today it has left me tired, with a headache and kinda depressed. I am having a bit of a hard time functioning so I am glad there are no events planned at the HP and that I get to see Rob Thursday morning rather than the afternoon because I am babysitting. Rob first thing in the morning has got to be a good thing!

It's a Labor Saving Device!

2008-01-25T11:26:00.000-08:00

I love my JHers! I love the fast they STILL love Veggie Tales, I love the fact we went to a movie theater to see the new movie opening weekend and laughed out loud A LOT, I love that they have Veggie Tales music on their ipods and are proud of it and I pray that they don't lose this sense of fun as they get older.

This current crop of JHers hold a special place in my heart because I have been with the majority of them since they were in 2nd grade. I look at pictures back then and cannot believe they were ever that young (and that I am getting that old!) and all I have witnessed in the last 5+ years.

Now that "my girls" are all in Junior High I am loving (I know...I am using the word a lot...but it's true!) watching them become women of God. I will "catch" Gigi doing some of the neatest stuff ans she doesn't know anyone is watching her. I have seen Emma find her niche in the Nursery/Toddler ministry and Natalie start to realize what being a Christian is and how that fact is changing her in some really good ways. There are others...but these are "my three." The three I have been closest to and probably will be into their adult years.

I told Gigi last year that there was going to come a time that she was not going to want me around all the time. She denied it. I told her that it would happen and it wouldn't be permanent and that I was OK with it. It's starting to happen (a bit) and I really am OK with it, but it's sort of sad at the same time. Heck, the girl is wearing clothes that match and she just turned 13 so none of this is total surprise...but I thought I'd have another year!

Part of me want to move up with her in 2010 and she has asked, but by then I will have been her Children's Minister and JH Leader for a long time and she needs to do it without me. Not that she needs me and not that I won't be around...but I want her to experience other leaders (if we ever get any) and be in a group without me.

Until those decisions need to be made, I am going to enjoy that the girls can still be silly and don't mind it one bit!

Drunk Magnet

2008-01-11T18:35:00.000-08:00

I think I may have mentioned before that I am a drunk guy magnet at work. NO...not the church you silly people...my other job. Since I have worked so many other places in the building it hasn't happened as much since the Sharks season started. That streak ended last night. I have some weird/mixed feelings about it.

Last night I had a great spot...Club 101. I have wanted to work there and at the same time have feared it because if you don't do a good job not only will the guests in the Club seats let you know, so will the ones in rows 17-19. Then you have those people who try and get by you and into the Club. First intermission was fine...the 2nd intermission I had trouble with one of the door magnets and two people managed to sneak by me. Grrrr... But I digress.

Maybe a quarter of the way through this guy came to watch the intermission stuff going on and we started talking. He's a local middle school teacher and so is his buddy. We start talking about the job, different events that go on, etc. We talk about my "real" job and that I also volunteer with our junior highers. They were really nice and yes, they were both married (darn it!). They hung out until I left for my break. They came back toward the end of the 2nd intermission and hung out until they had to leave. Thankfully they were not driving because I was worried about that. They wanted me to meet them for a drink afterward (how in the heck did they manage to teach today?), but I said no because I had to get up for work the next day.

I think the funniest thing was when one of the guests in my section had to wait until the puck was out of play and was just standing there. The guys were getting drinks when they came back one of them put his arm protectively around me and says, "No hitting on our girl, she's ours." Geesh. That was a little embarassing, but the weird thing is how good that human contact felt. Not that I don't get touched because I do...but this was different. Again...he was drunk and married...but still! That is so wrong! Not that anything would have come of it even if the one guy hadn't been married...but I have to admit...right or wrong that little bit of contact felt good. I am not sure the last time being touched in such a simple way (and believe me...had it been inappropriate touch he would have been OUT the door) felt so good. It was absolutely different than the hugs I get from church (which is good) or Rob (which is VERY good) and makes me really long to truly be someone's girl. But, the older I get the more I am sure that will never happen.

Most of the time I am really OK with that. I have had way more kids than I ever would have on my own (and I get to send them home!) and I value the relationships I have had with the kids over the years. There are now a large group of kids that I have seen grow up from the nursery and elementary programs and I love being part of their lives...even if for most it is only an hour or so a week!

Then there are times, like last night, that I am so not OK with it. Other than being a domestic goddess I am not sure I would be good for anyone anyway...I love my work too much. But, I see some of the couples and church and a few that work together at the HP and I think I want it. No clue where I'd meet anyone anyway...there is no one at church and I don't go out! This feeling will pass and I'll be thankful for what I do have because other than my living situation...things are really good.

Harder Than I Thought...

2008-01-10T10:47:00.000-08:00

I admit I am little shocked. I thought it would be easier. I did it once, for the longest time ever...and I can do it again. But, as I sit here absolutely nauseated after taking almost 45 minutes to finish 6 oz. of yogurt it dawning on me this is going to be a little more difficult to get back on the bandwagon than I first anticipated.

The competition or the sick comparisons people with EDs makes is also a bit firmly stuck in my brain a more than I thought. I thought I was at the point where just because person "A" doesn't eat x, w, or z doesn't mean it is bad choice for ME. Not so much. It's still there...rearing it's ugly head in my life. At least I see it for what it is and can watch how I react to it when it happens.

It takes SO much energy to concentrate on "safe food." Don't get me wrong, I am not saying go nuts and not pay any attention to what you are eating and how much, but don't let it consume you. There are times you are going to want ice cream...by all means...go have it. Does that mean inhale a pint of Ben of Jerry's? Nope. But have a 1/2 cup and get on with your life. Coldstone had this dark chocolate peppermint during the holidays and I had a million reasons not to have any. My mom brought me a "love it" and it lasted for 2 or 3 days.

There was a time in my life when I knew the calorie counts of every food I put in my mouth and every food I WANTED to put in my mouth but wouldn't allow myself to touch with a 10 foot pole. I find it amazing that I really don't know those totals much anymore. I have a ballpark idea of almost all of it...and it causes me stress at times...but I try and eat it anyway.

When I am at the HP I often have to justify(to myself) why I am choosing to eat a mini-pizza instead of nothing, if I have time. Most of the time it is a 1/2 mini-pizza, but I tell myself I am standing for 3-4 hours and no fuel will make that difficult. When I AM eating fairly normally I can't make it through a shift without eating something. When my eating is off I do great and honestly get a power trip off of it. "I can work 5 hours on just a bottle of water." "YOU need to eat nachos (that look really good...the chili smells great)." HA! Ugh!

Before my first IP stay I was trying to reformulate recipes. I got this one dish so "healthy" I lost all the flavor that made the recipe yummy to begin with. It ended up freezer burned and in the trash eventually. Now, I can pick up "Cooking Light" or I just know what I can substitute if I really have to and still have the food turn out well. I think that was a huge thing, too. I didn't deserve to have what did eat taste good.

Right now I am somewhat fighting the safe food war. I suppose you could get 100 women and men with eating disorders and there would be 100 different lists, but there would be some cross over. I mean really...how could anyone leave 15 calories a cup iceberg lettuce off their list? I am hoping that it is just an unfortunate thing that this stupid cold and me getting back on track are happening in the same week. Maybe I am having smoothie burnout? Maybe I need to bite the bullet and make what I like and let that be end of it. It's not like I make unhealthy meals...I don't. Oh, I know that some of it isn't the best (okay...that is my pasta phobia talking)...but it's not like we are talking 800 calories a serving with 75 grams of fat!

Once I get over this cold 100% and am used to eating 3meals again to anxiety will again go down at meal times. Right???

Happy Belated New year!

2008-01-04T16:30:00.000-08:00

I so need to be better at this in 2008! I used to blog so much more than I do now. I would have blogged over Christmas and the New Year, but I did something to my connection at home (dial up) and didn't have time to fix it.

I was busy with Walking with Dinosaurs from the 26th-31st. It was pretty amazing. I was positioned in a lot of places where I couldn't see the show (base, will call, vom 116), but twice I was placed where I could see the show and saw it from two of the best spots in the building, 107-109 and vom 113 where I was able to see it from the floor. That was amazing. They may not be real...but as the T-Rex was heading my way, it was easy to forget!

Christmas brought a two week break from Rob which I had mixed feelings about. This happens every year, but I still don't like it. Our next to last session for 2007 wasn't a good one and I over reacted (on paper) to some stuff that happened and we couldn't deal with it until yesterday. The problem with that is I can't 100% remember what I was upset about int he first place. I did tell him what I remembered. I was talking about working on out giftedness and I know I was a little "rambly," but I remember he stopped me and said something about me talking about something important. I told him I thought I was and the session kind of went downhill from there. Our last session was better and I was going to try and talk about what had happened, but I couldn't.

Food, while great for almost three months, has kind of crashed and burned. I went back home after house sitting and I absolutely fell flat on my face and it's been hard to get back on track. One thing I realized is I unfortunately crave structure and the last three weeks have had no real structure. Next week begins a somewhat normal schedule/structure for me and I am really hoping that will help me get back on track. I have some really good smoothie recipes (breakfast) and my PB and banana quesedilla. There is always oatmeal! I'm part discouraged I messed up and part ticked that I did it. Rob had told me it made sense to him going from peace and not a whole lot of stress to coming home and back to chaos. I told him that makes it sound like I am making excuses. He said that no...it was a shock to my system. If it continues for a long period of time...then it becomes an excuse. I see Toni soon so I'll get her take on it!

LATER:

She was okay about it and my plans to get back on track. As we talked I told that even with this slump...the time before this was the longest time outside of treatment I ate regularly. That's actually pretty cool and was encouraging.

Wow!

2007-12-09T14:00:00.000-08:00

I was looking for a date in the archives of my blog. I thought the anniversary of my mother's last suicide attempt was tomorrow...it was actually yesterday. I am not sure why I had the 10th in my head.

I read back a couple months. There are times when I feel like I have pretty much made zippo progress. Part of me knows that isn't true, but there are times I am not quite convinced. Yeah...really kinda convinced now. You should take a look at my November and December 2003 entries. I know I am STILL on an open ended suicide contract (wonder if Rob knows it's still on file)...but I totally forgot not only the oral safety contracts he had me on, but just how bad off I really was. I read that stuff and even I can't remember it all.

Back to the anniversary. The one thing that I am still amazed about the whole thing is that I called Rob maybe about 1ish in the morning...I called him right after I called my grandparents...before I left for the ER. I got home about 3 AM or so and then just collapsed on the couch. About 6ish or so the phone rang and it was Rob. He sounded 1/2 asleep...and I remember being so amazed he'd call me that early.

It's not that I am "all better." I mean I wish I could say without a doubt that I would never even consider suicide ever again and that is almost true. I am not sure I will ever get to where I was four years again...but I know when a depressive episode hits the thought plays in my mind off and on. Never to the point of having a plan...but the thought is there. I think I am getting better at my thoughts just being there...just allowing them to float in and out...but I still have a ways to go.

Food has been "interesting." I have really tried to commit to eating "something" three times a day and trying to not make a big deal about the "what." This means I actually went and had McDonald's the other night and kind of late at that...but I still managed to lose weight. Okay...I probably should have NOT hopped back on a scale...I hadn't since July...and was bummed that the weight I had lost during my last lapse (okay...probably small relapse is more honest) had come back (which yeah...I knew without the scale)...but was amazed it wasn't quite as much as I thought...I was 10 pounds off.

I know I am afraid this won't last. I have been down this road several times before and it hasn't lasted yet. It is already getting hard to eat the meals. The good thing is I don't regret it when I do and I haven't once thought of purging.

I have so much more to write, but I leave for ice skating in a bit.

Anyway, go back in my archives...wow...that's all I can say!

Update...

2007-11-27T09:42:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving went fine. It's been the days since that have been difficult. For some odd reason, I managed to roast the turkey breast side down (how I managed that and didn't notice is beyond me) and my mom said it was the best turkey ever! So I cooked and I ate and I really am not sure if it was "too much" or not. I don't think so. I was full, but the idea of purging the food to feel empty and better did not enter my mind at all. That absolutely blew me away when I realized it hours later. My mom only mentioned being stuffed five time (yes, I counted) and no one got drunk! Woot!

Each since then it has been hard to eat and I have pretty much forced myself. I am not sure how much is a mental block and how much is honestly food on top of food on top of more food is actually a physical thing. With the stomach emptying problem I guess it is possible that some of this is physical...it feels that way!

It was a busy weekend at the HP and we start up again tomorrow and Friday with Sharks games. I love the energy in the building on game nights! Very cool. Yesterday I dropped a boatload of $$ at the Sharks Store buying a belated birthday gift for Lily, a couple of Christmas gifts and a long sleeved t-shirt for me! I can't wait until my hockey sweater (jersey...whatever) comes in! I had my last name with '06 on it (my hire year).

My shopping is almost done. My grandfather is becoming the hard person to shop for! I am holding off on more Sharks stuff for him.

I start house sitting next Monday (woo hoo!) and will start my baking next week as well. I just need to decide what I want to make for sure!

We are decorating the church for Advent/Christmas on Saturday. I am really glad we don't have an event Saturday night. It always makes for a LONG day!

The Food of Thanksgiving...

2007-11-20T09:14:00.000-08:00

I know there is so much more to Thursday than food...but let's face it...the last "bazillion" years a lot of energy has been focused on that aspect. Do I eat, what do I eat, how can I still make something fairly tasty and yet leave out x, y and z so my family won't notice, do I keep the food down after I eat? When I first came home from Remuda in 2000 it was such a non-issue. That had been the first time in a couple years...since before that relapse. Thanksgiving 2001-2006 have had various stress issues regarding food. There have been meals that I have purged, there have been meals I have used a plate I had as a toddler to eat from because of the size and there have been meals where it looked like I ate more than I have. This year...not going to happen!

I think my biggest stress this year is my mom's insensitive, "I am so full I could throw up" that she will say probably a dozen time from the time she finishes eating until she goes to bed. I am so tempted to look at her and say, "I can show you how." But I am thinking that won't go over so well. Rob suggested that maybe I can find a funny way to say it...but I can't think of anything off hand. I have a couple days. Believe me...while I have no intention of purging and really don't have the desire (until I get full)...after I am finished eating and my feel a bit full, my mom repeating it over and over and OVER really does cause me to feel bad for eating at all.

There are days I eat three meals a day right now. In fact, this is happening more often than not. Except for this week. I haven't been feeling well and so I am not hungry. I haven't quite reached the point where I can not feel well and force myself to eat something anyway.

Okay...are you sitting down? Friday night I actually 100% totally enjoyed a meal! I went to Santana Row for a movie and then went to look around Crate & Barrel, Best Buy, Borders and, of course, Sur la Table. I went to Yankee Pier for dinner and ordered the hot lobster roll (as opposed to the cold one with yucky mayo and celery...hey...I have NEVER liked raw celery and I admit the mayo is more an ED thing than not liking it). Wow! Talk about great food. Wow! The cole slaw (yuck) I didn't touch and I sampled their house made chips (should have asked...I would have tried to sub a veggie)...but the lobster roll was to die for.

Turkey!

2007-11-20T08:35:00.000-08:00

Sunday night I was back with the Junior Highers...oh wait...this made TWO weeks in a row! Woot! Seriously though...there are times I hate making the choice between them and the HP, but I also know I have to work so sacrifices need to be made. However, I am gladly sacrificing Van Halen to have a Christmas Party with the kids!

We took a little different perspective on thankfulness and used the story of the 10 lepers. We talked about taking people for granted and who might THEY need to thank for something big or even something little. I was THRILLED and I do mean THRILLED that I got not ONE card! It's such a default for them...thank you card...make sure we do one for Queenie/Chocolate Milk the First (one was my camp name from when some of the kids went to Junior Getaway Camp with me and the second is from an illustration the speaker from last year's JH Retreat used) and one for Pony (that is the nickname for Paul, the other JH volunteer).

We stared out with a "Create a Turkey" contest...

This was followed by the lesson and then Turkey Bowling! We wrapped up the turkey's carefully and they were not damaged in the short time we bowled. The turkey's were taken to Second Harvest yesterday morning.

I think I should have posted this after the other post I want to write...bit oh well!

Anyway, we are off this weekend because of the holiday and have a full December planned. I think I am finding my rhythm not being here each week and this is a great thing!

Ministry Stuff

2007-11-12T14:30:00.000-08:00

I haven't said a whole lot about youth ministry stuff in a long time. It's going well. It's a fine balance with the HP and volunteer JH Ministry, but it's working out fine.

We are one of the few churches in our area that continually collects food for Second Harvest Food Bank. As part of Communion Sunday each month we also collect food for the food bank. Last night the Junior Highers did a canned food scavenger hunt. We did a combination of some Thanksgiving staples combined with what they needed most. I took the food in this morning and they collected $8 and 93 pounds of food in one hour! I am so proud of them.

The other thing going on isn't such good stuff. We have a registered sex offender in our church. He has been here a few weeks and I give him credit for being open about it to our SP, but I am very uncomfortable with it. That is my issue and I own it. I know he can't volunteer with either children or youth and that's fine. Then he went and made a mistake that is now casing a bit of an uproar and has be feeling...well....I haven't decided yet. Last week he was invited downstairs to eat with the high school group. He knows he cannot do it and did it anyway. A mistake, but life goes on. I have now come to learn that he was ALONE with the kids for a short period of time. This goes beyond a "simple" error. So, my SP is going to remind him of what he can and cannot do and let him know that if it happens again...he'd have to find a new church. I know that sounds awful...but he KNOWS he's not supposed to be with the kids...let alone be the ONLY adult with them in a room in the basement!

We background check our workers and the only ones that can do recruiting is myself and our SP so that is one layer of protection...but now it's deciding what else we can do and officially writing a policy manual. I have one for the Nursery and for Children's Ministry...I have never done a youth one because of Debra. Now that she is gone...it's time to set one up. It's fine...I have no problem with it...this whole thing just makes me a little uncomfortable.

I believe in forgiveness, I believe in second chances...but I have to admit this whole thing weird me out a bit. Again, it's because it hits close to home and a lot of stuff in ministry does and will in the future. This is just the first time in a long time. The "strange" thing is...it's kind of cool having other adults come to me and wanting my opinion and want me to help shape policy.

This n' That

2007-11-09T10:47:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe how fast Thanksgiving will be upon us and then Christmas. I seem to live from event to event and Sunday to Sunday. That makes things go a lot faster!

A few interesting tidbits:

1. I was named employee of the month last month at the HP. This means a lot on so many levels. One of the cool things is that it came not only from my own department, but other departments have called Mike about me (I guess in a good way) since I started being positioned in the Event Office. I admit, it feels good to have the building services guys say they are happy to see me when I work in there. They tell me I don't panic about everything and that I get to know them. Heck, there was an usher who came into the office the last time I was there and the first words out of her mouth was, "Thank God you're in here!" Last night I found out that when I was on break Sunday the usher giving me my break (cannot remember who) another usher needed help from CRT and was blown off and told to handle it herself. J said something to Mike and said, "I know it wasn't Deneice because she'd never blow me off like that."

I don't want to sound self-centered nor boastful, but I know I am able do a good job because it's where God has gifted me. This job (and not just when I am in the EO) has me working within my gifting and I guess it shows.

2. I had a really good job review from the church. I was so nervous about it, but it went really well. We were on the same page when it came to what I thought I needed to work on and my SP thought my goals were good ones and realistic.

It took me a long time to be able to really shift my focus to Children's Ministry and really embrace it. It's hard to believe at times I ever did youth ministry!

3. Junior High group is going well. It is a real balance between HP and church. I have to sacrifice both ways. I have decided that I will be at youth group two weeks and at the HP two weeks. I'd love to be here for youth group every week, but unfortunately I cannot give up all Sunday events because I need the income. We are doing a Thanksgiving Scavenger Hunt this week for the Second Harvest Food Bank and I am excited. I used to do these all the time in So Cal and when I lived in Indiana and haven't done one here yet. The Junior Highers are excited and plan to bring friends. We'll come back to hot chocolate, apple cider and pumpkin pie.

Next week we start planning the Junior High Presbytery Retreat. I am so excited! Ryan is going to be our speaker! It's going to be a great weekend! It is also going to be an exhausting one as I will be there the week before with my 4th grade girls at Mount Hermon's Junior Getaway Camp.

4. Therapy...hmmm....I/we hit a rough spot. About 5 weeks ago I slid into another major depressive episode and brought things to a screeching halt. I thought he got what was going on (you know...since I talked to him about it), but I thought wrong. I got the lecture I haven't heard from him in months, but I saw it coming Monday. Things are starting to move again and this is a good thing. I also think the episode is nearing the end. I actually had a fairly easy time getting out of bed this morning and have a little more energy than I have had in weeks.

That's about it in a nutshell. I know it's all "surface" stuff, but I'll try and go more in depth soon. Although I have been saying that forever!

3rd Annual Trunk & Treat!

2007-11-02T10:42:00.001-07:00

It's Heeeeere!

2007-10-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

Last night was the first night of "HSM: The Ice Tour." The first half appears to be HSM and the second HSM 2. I think it went well. The guests seemed to enjoy the show and the little I got to see last night looks pretty good. Tonight I am at the dressing rooms so it will be Friday at the earliest that I might get to see the show.

During the run I have a couple kids from church coming to see it. One of them can come hunt me down, but I am not working the second shift Saturday so I'll miss seeing "V." If I could work a double...

I was at our south info booth last night and I found myself humming the songs or singing under my breath. I have only seen the first movie ONCE. I think it may be because I also heard the pep rally thing at DCA for days in a row, would catch stuff on the Disney Channel as I was changing channels, etc. Let's face it...it's all over the place! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

One Year Ago Today...

2007-10-24T11:41:00.001-07:00

I cannot believe it has been a year since Amy died. I will never forget coming home and seeing an email with her name in the subject line. I knew what it was as soon as I saw her name.

Amy, you are still very much missed!

I've Been TAGGED!

2007-10-24T08:34:00.000-07:00

I was reading Jeff's blog yesterday when lo and behold...I had been tagged! I am to tell you what I was doing 10,20 and 30 years ago. Hmmmm....

October 1997

I had finished up a great summer as a Program Director for Laurel Pines and was back at the Crystal Cathedral in Donor Services and a high school ministry volunteer. I was commuting between La Verne and Garden Grove and was just about to begin interviewing for my first paid youth position.

October 1987

This was my sophomore year in high school and I was almost 18! FINALLY! I had a great roommate and we had just gone through Rush Week and were now pledges of Alpha Delta Pi. We were in the midst of midterms and I was on both the newspaper and the radio station as a DJ.

October 1977

I have no clue. Let's see...I was almost 8 years old and I had my party at Aloha Roller Palace when I got my first pair of "real" roller skates. I had recently begun taking group lessons and loved every minute at the rink!

I tag Len, Gman, Mykel, Mel and PK.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww

2007-10-19T10:22:00.000-07:00

more funny pictures

J Lo, YMX Meets and More!

2007-10-17T11:17:00.000-07:00

Things have been so busy and it's been hard to sit down and simply blog.

Tonight J Lo and Marc Anthony come to the HP and I will again be in our Event Office. I wasn't scheduled for it, but got a call yesterday. I was hoping to get to see some of the show, but now my ears will be spared! It is probably better anyway because...

...tomorrow I get to meet Ruthless! I have "known" her for a few years through YS and YMX, but have not had the chance to meet her. Tomorrow I am taking Cal Train to San Francisco and meeting her, her friend and the Tuna's! Okay, I am nervous about it...but am excited as well. Plus, I haven't been to SF in almost a year. I don't have a lot of time because we have a Sharks game tomorrow night...but I love to get up there when I can.

Last weekend was our High School Presbytery Retreat. I really have no complaints. It didn't go as smoothly as others, but it wasn't stuff the students would really notice. I felt kind of "off" all weekend, but I think it has something to do with the anniversary of Amy's death approaching. Either that or the change in weather. My guess is it is Amy.

Rob and I continue to set up the groundwork for EMDR and then derail a bit because there have been days where I need the talk therapy stuff rather than going into the EMDR stuff. I think that is how it is going to be. Both are really important to me. He had sort of questioned why I jumped at the chance of doing EMDR because of how I have struggled with it in the past. We ended up really talking all of that out and that was really good.

This past Thursday we did a little more groundwork and then talked about the awesome night I had at the HP last Tuesday. After working so much in the event office it was awesome to be Inside Director and interacting with guests. I did one wheelchair escort that was just a lot of fun and they tried to tip me at the end. I admit to being totally curious how much it was, but I handed it back and told them we are not allowed to accept tips. It was very thoughtful of them though.

That's all my "excitement." I need to try and write more often. There is a lot more to say...I just need to think about it a bit more!

Oh...GO SHARKS!!!

2007-10-04T09:09:00.001-07:00

Where Do I Start??

2007-09-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

I'll start here! Tonight we have our pre-season home opener. We play tonight and tomorrow at home. Tonight against the Ducks and tomorrow against Vancouver. I am really excited!

The rest of this....

1. Made my three year. I almost forgot about it. I was thinking about it (obviously, as I mentioned it in my last post) and then got busy with life stuff.

2. I have dealt with a lot of stuff in therapy, but have continually run, hid and escaped the sexual abuse issues. Mainly because I have minimized it (I know people who have been through a zillion times worse, etc.) and partly because the feelings are pretty much just as they were 25 years ago. This occurred to me Monday when the topic came up and so did the feelings from right after the molestation. Rob thought I was trying to dodge the topic yesterday. Nope. Just stalling a bit.

He asked me if I wanted to try EMDR again and I said yes. We have tried it a couple times with no success. The two things standing in my way have been not wanting to lose emotional control and not being able to firmly establish a safe place. The former popped into my head as I thought about the whole EMDR thing after my session yesterday and the latter we worked on yesterday and I think that will be OK.

I trust Rob and have for a long time, but I think it has taken me almost five years to really understand that. It dawned on me yesterday that I now out him in the same category as my chiropractor and that is HUGE. I don't think I have ever put trust in anyone (person) as much as I have Doug and to truly put Rob right up there is a big deal for me.

3. My aunt and uncle from Seattle will be here tomorrow. I am really glad that I work most of their stay.

No Quizzes Today!

2007-09-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

No quizzes for today, or at least right now. I figured I'd do a real post.

Next week I hit a couple anniversaries. Next week will be three years of no purging and my first anniversary at the HP Pavilion. Both are a little surprising. I reminded Rob about the former and I think he is as surprised as I am. Not so much that I have made it three years with no slips or lapses, but that it has been three years and the time has passed quickly. The last few weeks have been a little difficult, but the main trigger has been wanting to get the anniversary here and over.

The HP anniversary is cool because it is a job that wasn't even on my radar until it happened. I received FOCUS tokens 4 & 5 in August and that is surprising. I set a goal to get my first four in my first year, but then I came to realize it is really subjective and you really need to be in the right place at the right time. So, I did my job as well as I could and it just happened. Believe me, FOCUS tokens are not the reason I do what I do...but I have to admit is a cool way to get some feedback every so often. Our first pre-season Sharks game happens on my hire date! Go Sharks!

At the end of August, Debra resigned. I have stepped in to lead Junior High youth group. Others have stepped in to teach SS and to lead the high school youth group and SS. The position may be advertised starting next week. I can totally accept being a volunteer and I LOVE being a volunteer. However, as I sat in our first "new and improved" adult leadership team meeting last night, I also realized how hard it is going to be to step back from a lead role and just how much I still love youth ministry. Maybe this means I need to start looking.

My biggest hesitation in looking is not finishing with Rob. I have been "left" by therapists and I have left a couple myself and nothing was ever finished. I think with Greg we were close...really close, but I moved to Indiana first. November marks four years with Rob and it truly has been in the last few months that I think I am trusting that he is going to be there and therefore trust risking more in our sessions. My emails are brought up in sessions (I had a really bad habit of sending them and not talking about them) by ME and I am able to vocalize a lot more than I have in the past. Obviously there have been many times like that, but then I have tended to go hide for long periods of time afterward.

Last week I got mad. I got mad and didn't explode, it didn't kill me and I didn't lose control. I didn't overreact, I didn't lash out, I admitted it and I allowed myself to actually feel it. My mom is a rage-o-holic (seriosuly, she drops a piece of paper and she goes from 0-180 on the anger meter in .08 seconds!) and anger has always scared me. Yes, I know Jesus got mad and didn't go over the top, etc., etc. But Jesus was also not beaten with a brush when He was 4 because He didn't know what boring meant and when asked a question said, "It was boring" and paid the consequences (well...he DID...but you get the picture). But, He did get mad.

This was a HUGE thing for me. When Rob didn't reply to my emails about it (that bugs me sooo much) I figured it wasn't that big a deal. Monday he let me know it was HUGE. I do get that we feel whether or not we choose to acknowledge it or let ourselves really feel the emotion, but I have done a fantastic job of minimizing, numbing and otherwise distracting myself from a lot of emotions. It honestly felt extremely freeing to feel it and let it go rather than stressing out trying not to feel it and turning it on myself instead.

I also realized that is ticks me off to have boundaries violated and that I do actually have them! I have just been ignoring those as well.

I don't want and have no intention of going backward but this is all very scary. I have been in this place before (with Greg) and I know this means that my days (though I am guessing a year to 18 months) are numbered with Rob. I don't think I will truly freak out about that until we move from two days a week to once a week, but it's there and I can feel it. We still very much have a proper client/therapist relationship...boundaries, yada, yada, yada...but it's changed a bit over the years and while I am not going to miss the therapy part one day, I am going to miss the book, music, sports talk stuff that has been such a huge part of our therapy relationship.

I shouldn't get ahead of myself. There is still a LOT of work to do. My mind still twists what he says (i.e. we have been somewhat going through a book/hand out and haven't because of other stuff and he wants to get back to it. My head has been telling me that he only cares about the book stuff and that all the other stuff is important), food is still a struggle and I still don't like myself very much. But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that IS exciting.

How Do They Know???

2007-09-09T15:53:00.000-07:00

Your Brain is Orange

Of all the brain types, yours is the quickest.
You are usually thinking a mile a minute, and you could be thinking about anything at all.
Your thoughts are often scattered and random - but they're also a lot of fun!

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about esoteric subjects, the meaning of life, and pop culture.

What Color Is Your Brain?

Thanks,Brian

LOL!

2007-09-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

What Veggie Tales character are you?

Bob
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

I'm Sad...

2007-09-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

Sometime I hate email and what it brings. I got home from a baby shower and then a movie and found and email about this man: John Healy

I remember the first show I saw from San Jose Children's Musical Theater. It was at the Center for Performing Arts (normally they performed at the Montgomery Theater) and the show was "Annie Get Your Gun." The actress playing Annie was amazing. It was Girl Scout trip and two of the girls in my troop auditioned for "The Wizard of Oz." We went to go see that as well.

I was sitting in the theater and reading the program. There was a 1/2 page add with two hands clasped and a congratulations message for "John & DeeDee." It took me only a few seconds to realize that John (the director) married DeeDee (the one who played Annie!). I thought it was the coolest thing ever and as I watched him conduct the orchestra I wanted to work this man.

My mom being my mom, it never happened. She didn't want to schlep me to rehearsals. I was pretty ticked for a couple years about it. The man was a musical theater genius and I wanted to be a part of it.

At the beginning of my senior year in high school, we were left without a drama teacher. That also meant we didn't have a teacher for Musical Theater. For some odd reason my friend Lynn and I got pulled into the principal's office to be told to tell the class to hold tight and we should have someone by the end of that first week of school. He gave us the roll sheet and off we went to try and handle a class for a few days. At the end of the week...we had him...John P. Healy. The man I had waited 5 years to work with.

In my one year with him I learned sooooo much. He had student directors so I had the opportunity to do that with "The Mouse that Roared" as well as play a small part and put together the program with another friend. Our yearly variety show was planned mainly by the students. No matter what they said...we knew the groups we were in for some numbers were very much talent based, but that was OK. We had the George M. Cohan number! A group of us did a tribute the Mickey Mouse Club (so much fun), a spoof on a new disciplinary program ("The Wizard of AIM) and got experience making quick costume changes (i.e. a clown suit into a flapper dress).

Our Spring Musical was "The Music Man" and again I had an absolute blast with that show. It was my final show at my school and I don't think I ever had so much fun while working so hard (no offense to C. Michael).

They are doing a memorial service this weekend, but I can't be there. I have youth group on Sunday night. I wish we were making the switch back to Sundays next week instead of this week.

Icky Cold...

2007-08-30T16:23:00.000-07:00

After working 8 of the 9:

And the Bello-bration song going through my head...STIL...

I am now like this (only she is better dressed):

and this:

This is so not fun. My guess is it had to come from one of the thousands of guests we had during the run of the show. Pretty much how I got sick so often last year. This is one of sneeziest head colds I have ever had.

But this:

Has come to my rescue! I had to fork over my driver's license because it is one of those not reformulated medications and it's been worth it. I can actually breathe a bit better and I am not sneezing every 10 minutes.

So, I have anti-viral Kleenex at home, in my car and at work and I am really glad after tomorrow's event, I can take it fairly easy for the next few days.

I Should Quit Seeing Movies...

2007-08-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

So, this summer I have seen:

and most recently:

When I see movies like that and read her books:

I want to quit everything and go to culinary school! Actually, I think i would hate it and could take the joy of cooking away from me. But, my "inner chef" is absolutely taken in by all of it. I think that's why I like "Good Eats" so much. It gets into the science of cooking. While science wasn't my best subject, I am amazed how stuff works and why baking has to be so precise in measurements compared to other types of cooking.

With the job at the HP I don't cook near as much as I did a year ago. I really need to change that, but when I am rushing from one job to the next I don't have time to do anything complicated. I know I could go out and get some 30 minute meals books, but the stuff she makes rarely appeals to me.

I'd take hobby classes, but it's hard to do it when I am not always sure when I'll be working. I think the ones at Sur la Table are a little pricey, but would be worth it.

Actually, I am already looking forward to my Christmas baking! I know, it's August, but I bought my first Christmas recipe magazine on Monday.

The Game

2007-08-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

So, I won the tickets for the 49er game. Even though they lost, I had a great time with my grandfather and though they were upper box seats, these were the best seats yet! I'd sit there again in a heartbeat.

The view of SF on the way to our seats

Warm ups pre-game

I have no clue what quarter I took this...but it was after Alex Smith was out.

2007-08-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

Number 756 has been hit...

I have a bid on ebay for tickets to Mondays pre-season game against Denver...

And the Angels beat the A's at the game I went to with my grandpa last week!

Things can't get much better. Although, tomorrow night will be the funeral for Bill Walsh at Standford and then the public memorial at Candlestick (I will NOT call it by it's latest name) Friday morning.

I went to the doctor last night as a follow up on my leg. He said I pulled a muscle. I have pulled them before and I don't buy it. So, I will wait it out for another few week and then see what's next.

Tonight is...

Followed tomorrow by...

(Can I say I am SO glad they replaced the picture of him in a suit!)

and then Follow Up Training at:

Whoooooooooo....

2007-08-02T09:04:00.000-07:00

Not sure if I mentioned it here earlier, but during VBS I did something to my lower back. I was fine...up and down ladders, up and down stairs, dancing/running around like an idiot (and having fun), etc. I got home and took a nap and when I got up...pain...lots of pain. The pain has not stopped since.

During PYT I had to ask for my small group room to be changed. The interesting thing abut that is I now had a different group of kids. We hadn't done small groups yet, but it is weird to think that this group wasn't my original group...whoever they are! Anyway, that helped a little as well as my roomie giving me some ibuprofen, but I still spent a lot of time in pain.

Came home...no change. Last Thursday I finally gave in to my mom's nagging and we headed to the ER. The MD said it wasn't my sciatic nerve (not sure I agree with it) but it was some nerve and so it's kind of a wait and see thing. They took X-rays to have some sort of baseline (and they found some arthritis in my spine), gave me a shot and a pill and sent me home with three medications to be filled. One is a muscle relaxer, one is an anti-inflammatory and the other is a vicodin/tylenol combo. Not really helping. I took yesterday off so I could take the meds regularly to see if that would help. Nope. Next step is to call Urgent Care for a follow up and see what happens.

I am currently at work and I had to take all three meds. No way could I go until late tonight. Why late tonight? No matter how much pain I am in, NOTHING is keeping me from seeing tonight's Angels game against the A's. The drive to Oakland and back is going to cause a lot of pain, but it will be worth it. This will be my 2nd Angels game this season and I am so excited. I have my PYT t-shirt on right now so I could show Rob and then I am going to home and change into my Angels shirt! Our tickets are MVP Infield tickets at row 20. The only bummer is it's near the A's dug out. I got the tickets on ebay so I spent $50 for the tickets and they are worth more than that. I love going to baseball games with my grandfather so this should be a lot of fun!

Right now I am having fun all by myself because of the meds. Weeeeeeeeeeee....... They should wear off before I go to see Rob. I hope.

Black #35

2007-07-26T09:46:00.000-07:00

At our last Small Group meeting, each of us wrote an affirmation or something we liked/appreciated about each other member of our group. Not an easy thing to do because we had 22 people in our group. Either I misplaced 3 of them or someone didn't complete the assignment (it was pretty daunting)...but here are mine:

1. You kept me interested and awake this week which is a great accomplishment on
your part...seriously...you rock!

2. An AH-MAZE-ING Small group leader. Thanks so much I had a ton of fun!

3. You were a good leader. I am blessed to have met you.

4. Great leader and inspiration.

5. Teaches well.

6. Thanks for inspiring me.

7. Great leader. Brought everyone together.

8. Funny ( me: who knew??)

9. You are such a great small group leader, I'm glad you were mine.

10. Nice

11. You have been an awesome leader.

12. Easy Going

13. You're a great small group leader.

14. Thanks for being our leader! Great personality.

15. BEST. GROUP. LEADER. EVER.

16. Thank you for your time and energy.

17. Great leader. Fun.

18. You were an amazing leader and a great friend. Thank you for a great week.

I think what surprises me the most about all of this was that I had no clue all week. Last PYT I had a great feel for what I was doing and how the kids were tracking and pretty much what they thought of me. This time...not so much. So, yeah...I post this because I don't want to forget what was said and I know I'll lose 18 little slips of paper!

From Sabercats, to PYT to Sanjaya...

2007-07-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

Sabercats will WIN the Arena Bowl on Sunday! I worked the final game on a concourse aisle!

Small Group Leader Orientation

We don't ask the kids to do anything we won't do! Wish I had a picture of ours...we got the biggest laughs. It is Peter walking on water and three of us were the waves and so we stood there and waved. :)

We were learning a new energizer so at least 200 knew what we were doing. "salsa, salsa,

Getting ready to enter the Elliott Hall of Music for opening worship!

Energizers as seen from the balcony!

I worked the AI concert last night. Not sure if this was from SJ or LA. Need I say more?

More PYT stuff to come!

LOL!

2007-07-11T09:02:00.000-07:00

I mention pain 4 times and death once and I am rated PG...sigh...

ht to marko

But Wait...Here's a Few More!

2007-07-11T08:17:00.000-07:00

These were taken by one of my awesome Crew Leaders!

One day we had a "3 in 1" bounce house with a cool slide!

After watching the episode of "Chadder," the kids left the theater for the "cabin" to work in their Bible Books.

Drew rocks! I will lose him to summer school next year, but he has been a great "Chadder" Station Leader for two years!

This day they made cool little blackboards!

There will be more as soon as I get the overall pix from my photographer. He followed a crew around each day and that will be really cool to see. I don't have many from opening/closing because he got caught up in it...which is a GOOD thing!

Time for More VBS Pix!

2007-07-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

Making Buddy Bags at Cowpoke Crafts and Missions

Because we didn't have our playground back...we were given a new bounce house each day!

Saddle Crew talking about a Daily Challenge

Part of the Radix Monti Crew!

Seven Years Part 2

2007-07-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

The whole seven years since I went to RR has really been on my mind. The anniversary date comes each year and the last few years I have noted it and then gone on with my life. This year has been very different.

I am not sure if it is partially because of the loss of Amy last October, where I am ED wise, where I am therapy wise (which is a good yet very scary place) or even just reconnecting with one of the Equine Therapy team. That was a true blessing last week!

It wasn't truly my intention to go there in therapy yesterday because Rob and I already knew what the agenda was for the day. However, I am truly thankful that he didn't force the issue and let me talk about this. I told him that obviously it was not all fun and games, but when most of my memories have to do with the truly fun/good times that we had there. Rob said it made sense and it really makes sense because during that time the people there were probably more of a family than I ever had.

I still miss Paula and am sorry my move to West Lafayette forever ago meant the end of our friendship. That was so sad because she originally wanted me to move near her and her husband, but the reality of it was something she couldn't handle I guess. The odd thing is, if she ever wanted to email me...my email addy hasn't changed.

Lately I want to know what happened to the women I was there with in 2000. Did we lose more than Amy? Who is doing really well? Who is doing not so well? There are still those I do have contact with or have just reconnected with...but I want to know MORE!

Seeing Miss Annie post on MySpace was awesome! When I first got there I didn't want to ride a horse. Each time before RR was a bit of a mess. As time went on (okay, as soon as I rode for the first time) I really took to it and Annie was a big part of that. Faith, the Equine therapist, and Brad (who taught me to saddle a horse) were also a huge part of it all...but Annie was the first person I worked with because Faith was on vacation.

RR has changed a TON over the last seven years and I hope I never have to go back so this isn't a I am dying to go back to RR and will do anything I can to get there type thing. I think some of it is missing that connection and community. I think some of it is heading to PYT and being 100% alone this time around. Last time I knew one SGL and one Adult Advisor and then another friend me up with us for dinner one night. This year I am going into it 100% alone. I know, I know...not really alone...but alone from the humans I know standpoint! I am more introverted than I appear and some of my childhood shyness (before I became a Theater Geek) still pops up. I know I will be fine when I am with all 200+ leaders at orientation, but I am a little nervous.

One of my friends that I have been in pretty solid contact (minus a few patches here and there) with, Jessica, said to me before I left for RLP that the times she saw me most happy and most relaxed was on the back of a horse. When I look back she was 100% correct. I can't, even now, truly describe how re;axed I felt talking to friends on a trail ride or how free I felt with Sam cantering around the ring when we did a much slower version of a barrel race.

The odd thing is, it's not like I don't have a community. But, with the exception of PK, it is all online and I have pretty much made myself scarce. PK is online as well...but at least we talk every now and then AND we have known one another for over 7 years. My RT needs work. I am single, I am 37 and have NOTHING much in common with the women here at church that are married and have kids. During VBS a group of us were talking and I was able to share some kind of painful stuff and it was received well (it wasn't about me...it was my mom's suicide stuff and can't remember how we even got to that topic) and it felt amazing, but that was a pocket in time.

Not that community is easy. There was one young woman, Noelle, that drove me nuts. I am not sure what got to me. I think some of it was her fairly open rebelliousness and the fact that she had no qualms in teaching others how to be non-compliant and not get caught. She was 19...I was 30. It bugged the heck out of me that she would allow her parents to pay a "zillion" dollars for treatment and yet do these things. We went head to head a lot. We would almost race to new admits to get them to our "side." It was a huge motivator for me to be in charge of Big Sisters/Little Sisters when Amy K. went home. But, I absolutely loved her. Noelle was (still is I am sure) Mormon, but was really open to hear from those of us who were not. She fell in love with the worship music (which her friends didn't understand when she got home) and learned to play stuff on the guitar. I finally got her though! She applied to move up a level and my challenge to her was to no longer have a plastic cup on the table at meals. This is where she hid her butter and bits of food here and there. I have to hand it to her...she hated it, but she came through!

I wrote a letter to her during my family week explaining why I did what I did and it wasn't because I didn't like her...it was because I did. I can't find the letter she wrote me back, but she got it. She understood why and said she was even glad there was someone pushing her. I lost contact with her about 5 years ago.

I could go on and on and on, but I need to get stuff done before I leave for Indiana on Sunday!

Tag Again

2007-07-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

Len tagged me and I didn't know it...so I told him I would get to this ASAP.

1. Those Tagged will share 5 things they dig about Jesus.

2. Those tagged will tag 5 other bloggers.

So, here goes. 5 things I dig about Jesus:

1) No matter what a screw up I think I am...He loves me anyway

2) A "steal" from Max Lucado....if Jesus had a fridge...my pic would be on it!

3) Jesus truly does understand EVERYTHING we go through.

4) Jesus died for me...I mean not just me...but if that were to be the case He would have!

5) Jesus loved people no matter who they were...I try but I know I fail a lot!

Okay...since I just had to tag 8 people...if ya want to do this consider yourself tagged!

I Got Tagged...

2007-07-09T20:25:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by renee...

Here we go:

rules to play

1. players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
2. those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
3. players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

1. I graduated from high school at 16

2. I am a huge Disney fan...not the geek I thought I was at one time...but I love Disney/Disneyland

3. At 17 I swore off youth ministry after working as a volunteer JH Director for a summer

4. When I was 18 I got hit by a car crossing the street

5. I have a Bambi tattoo

6. I have never held a job in retail/fast food. My first "real" job was a recreation aide for San Jose Parks and Recreation

7. The community theater where one of "my" kids does plays was my former elementary school and where I was the first Wicked Witch in their community center's very first production

8. I love pink!

I tag:

PK
Mel
Len
Gman
Jeff
Ryan
Brian
Todd

Friend Wheelie Thingy

2007-07-05T08:46:00.000-07:00

When I saw this (I think of Marko's blog) I put one on my Facebook and as I have looked at it, it's "interesting." But, it also proves how much I kinda do compartmentalize my life. My wheel is broken up into YS/YMX/YM friends, ED/Treatment/RR friends, Youth Group/Church friends, HP co-workers and then a group of people I know who are not connected to any of the other groups though they could be (some of them anyway).

Not quite sure what to make of it exactly, but it's kins of "weird."

I (Heart) Facebook!

2007-07-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

On this 4th of July...I wish I was at work. It is just another for me. One that I have to figure out what to eat/not eat. Although, I did eat oatmeal this morning.

Anyway, I had a friend request on Facebook. Another ado from when I was at RLP. Okay, she is 20 years old now, but back then she was 16!

Lately it has been important to connect with the girls I was at RR with...both times. Not for any particular reason...but right now I just like to be connected with them. The fact that any of the ados remember me is actually kind of cool and amazing.

Triennium is only 11 days away (well...until I leave anyway) and I am really excited about it. This week and next week will be getting to know my material and figuring out what to pack. I don't want to over pack this time. I also want to get a more functional bag for my laptop. Oh...I also need to load stuff onto iTunes to get ready.

I come back and Rob is on vacation which stinks. I dunno...maybe and almost 3 week break will be good.

Mobile Shark Tank

2007-07-03T11:53:00.001-07:00

If I wasn't an usher at the HP I wouldn't have "camped out" on the SJ Sharks web site and wouldn't have learned that SVSE comes out with the "Mobile Shark Tank" and sets up street hockey. It was a great end to VBS! They brought the MST, Sharkie and ice cream! What else do we need?!?

All set up and giving instructions

Now if they would just listen to ME this intently! :)

Future Sharks???

Sharkie paid us a visit and played with the kids!

Some VBS Set Up Pix

2007-07-01T07:18:00.000-07:00

We somewhat turned Cowpoke Crafts and Missions into a barn.

This is where we held Sing and Play Stampede and Showtime Round Up

This was part of Chadder's Wild West Theater Room

I had this "paneling" for our snack area...it lasted a day, but the "Wanted" signs were up all week!

This was our Day 1 Wild Bible Adventures set up...Rahab's roof!

Seven Years...

2007-06-30T20:15:00.000-07:00

I am still in a lot of pain...I know it is because I am not being mobile...but being mobile hurts as well. I admit though, doing nothing makes it hurt worse. Sigh...

Anyway, July 1st makes seven years since I walked through the doors of what was then the main lodge of Remuda Ranch. It was 9:00 PM at night, it had been a whirlwind 20+ hours from getting the call to hopping on a plane to AZ and I was scared to death. I try not to dwell on it too much...but whenever an anniversary date falls on a Sunday or one of my two Rob days, I tend to pay a little more attention.

I am not sure how I lost the momentum I had after I came home that year and before I moved to IN. I know Dr. Bill (when I had one session with him on a trip to So Cal when I lived in Indiana) diagnosed me with something that fails me at this point...some sort of adjustment disorder thingy. I still claim putting my grandpa on a plane on 9/11, having him get stuck on the plane for 3 hours on the tarmac and then stuck in IL for three days and being 2000+ miles away from friends and family didn't help. Oh...and then there was the fact I stayed with a therapist that wasn't helpful. That was my choice and it was a bad one...but my motives were good. The only other ED therapist was the T for someone I was at RR with that couldn't handle me moving to town (long story) so I didn't want to run into her and make her uncomfortable.

Food still stinks. I'd rather starve than eat...but I ate like a pig last week because of VBS and am having a hard time with that right now. That being said, the sessions with Rob have been good. They have been so very, very, very hard, but good. We had a great debate over the word "slip" on Thursday. He says that makes it sound as if I am not taking responsibility and minimizing what happened...that a slip is an accident. I looked the word up and found that isn't totally true. Plus, I 100% took responsibility for what I did. I told him I could have stopped myself at any point and chose not to and I get that...BUT, big picture, one bad choice in over 2 1/2 years of times where the urge was really hard is not a bad thing and that I won't look back at the 3 year mark and be totally bummed.

I told him stuff (as I well should) that I have never spoken out loud or written down before. It's been very hard, but very good. I also see how far there is still to go.

One thing I told him is that I have held the fear that if I ever cut again that I would lose myself in it and that I would continue no matter what. The fact it did nothing for me and that fear was unfounded is pretty cool. I still hold that fear about purging, but I think that one is a bit more grounded in some reality. I have purged a lot longer than I ever cut and even when I hit that three year mark...that is a blip compared to the number of years I did purge. Not that I am going to try that theory out...but the fear is there for now.

I wish I had pix from my time at RR I could post. But, it was before digital cameras! :)

I may post more about it later. Thanks to Facebook, I have been in contact with a couple of the women who shared that time with me. Through MySpace there is one more. These are very precious people to me. One of them was my roomie for almost my whole stay at Rio. She came in a few days before me and didn't go to LIFE. We had some great times. She is getting married in August and I am thrilled for her!

I lost one friend last October and have questions about others that I will probably never have the answers about this side of heaven.

Tomorrow is VBS Sunday and it's going to be a great day. The kids are wonderful and I can't wait to see who shows up!

My Chiropractor Thinks He is Funny...

2007-06-29T18:24:00.000-07:00

Well, he is. I did it again...three weeks without a full day off. VBS was awesome, but I am in PAIN. Not sure what I did...but it's better today. At least the pain is bearable. Yesterday? Not so much. Anyway he emails me and tells me: "never go three weeks without time for rest and recovery. If our Lord needed that time, well maybe you do as well????" Ya think? LOL!

I know I said it last week and I'll say it again...I will try and get pix up ASAP!

In Light of the Slip...

2007-06-22T09:51:00.000-07:00

It's odd. But, my self harm slip a couple weeks ago was actually a good thing. I has to do a dreaded Behavior Chain Analysis, but I didn't do it quite the way we did at Remuda. Rob had me read it out loud and then he said no more of our fun stuff for probably the good 1/4 of a session he has let me get away with. If I choose not to talk about what is going on inside then phone calls and emails will no longer be allowed. That has been a non-issue.

Not that it has been easy because it has not. I impressed him yesterday. I guess I used the words, "I want." He said he doesn't think I have ever used those words since we started working together. Which really shows me how far I fell back from the time I left So Cal almost SIX years ago to now. I remember Greg telling me how proud he was that I was able to state my wants and needs and not be ashamed of them.

I am finally asking "all" the questions that have rattled in my head, but I have reluctant to speak. I still "hate" emotions and still have trouble identifying what I feel (beyond "bad" or "ok" or "good")...but Rob is being pretty patient with it. Time has been flying by in our sessions and that has been amazing.

Of course, things will be shallow due to VBS exhaustion next week and then it's two weeks 'til PYT and then I believe he is gone when I get back. It'll be interesting to see if we lose momentum.

Food still stinks...I still am anti-eating any more than it takes to keep me from passing out, but I am eating. I can't wait until VBS is over so I can get back to the gym. If exhaustion doesn't win next week I'll go back VBS or no VBS. I miss it and I have a dress I need to fit into (well, it fits now but will look better if it's a little big for me) for Presbyterian Youth Triennium's Disco Party next month.

Back to the slip...

While technically it has been my choice to cut or not...part of me has always been in fear of Rob if I did it and that has been a primary motivator. Now I feel like it is 100% my choice without fear of Rob playing into it. There have been days when it has been a little hard, but it honestly doesn't do a thing for me anymore and I have to remember that when the urge does hit.

If I get a chance this weekend, I will post VBS set up pix. I have had "slave labor" this week and I have been able to have decorations made that I have always wanted to have made! :)

2007-06-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

Rob tells me this a lot...and I know it's true, but I still don't know how to quite accept that my mother is never going to get "it" or me and that she is never going to fully give me 100% of her attention. How do I let go of that want/need? I do know this to be true in my head...but my heart desperately doesn't want it to be true.

Hi!

2007-06-15T11:45:00.000-07:00

Still alive...barely.

Really don't want to go into details. Really don't know what the details truly are right now. Just asking for prayer. Not that things are horrendously bad or anything. I had my first (and only) slip in 2 1/2 years last week. Rob didn't handle it great...but it has kind of been a good thing as far as opening doors I have been forcing shut and holding shut with my back against the door.

It's amazing that you can "work" with someone for 4 1/2 years and yet there is so much he is seeing better/understanding more.

I may want to "hate" him at times...but I don't doubt for a second God put him at the right place at the right time going on five years ago.

Hmmmmm....

2007-05-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

I sometimes hate that I haven't kept up with this the way I want to. Lately it is because of zippo access at home for the moment. Long story...but I have a new lap top and I hate Vista. That is the basic gist...oh...and I wish I could afford more than dial up!

Anyway, VBS is coming up fast and I think that we are in OK shape. Not great...but it WILL happen and it will amaze us all. The main thing is getting kids (especially our own) to register. I did have a call from a parent letting me know her kids will be coming. They loved last year so I am excited to see them again!

Presbyterian Youth Triennium really isn't that far away either and I am looking forward to it and at the same time am not. Last time I had people I knew to hang out or at least touch base with. This year...no. Unless I am surprised an Andy is there...but I am not holding my breath. Not that I NEED someone there to hold my hand...but it helps! :)

Things at the HP have slowed and so I have two more training dates in the Event Office. I am excited about it except that one night is during the John Mayer concert and I really wanted to see him! That's OK though...I need to learn the position during all sorts of events. I have done an ice show and in June it is a Saber Cats game and the concert. I also get to work Will Call for the first time. Best of all, I don't have to work Joel Osteen. I am sorry if you like him, I don't mean to offend...but he is not my cup of tea! The big downside? Besides Strikeforce I have to be at the HP at 7:00 AM the day AFTER VBS! UGH, UGH, UGH!

Things here at church seem to be going well. My numbers pretty much doubled because of CL. I really like the CL kids and that gives us boys...something kind of lacking in the "Anglo" portion of our congregation. I am learning names, but I need to find out ages/grades. The kids know English, but it is a challenge with the parents though we are finding ways and I think it will be fine. This summer we are using a Saddleback DVD curriculum so I can gauge how we are doing and what I need to do as far as teachers and leaders in the fall.

Food still stinks...big time. My weight hasn't budged in weeks which is annoying, but I am not too surprised. Between years of ED and PCOS going undiagnosed my metabolism is a mess. I think the gym will help fuel the furnace a little and I know eating would do that as well, but the desire isn't there a whole lot. I mean I do eat and there are times when I feel like I am doing nothing BUT eating...but I also see that as a distortion. I think the frustration is burning 800+ on the cross ramp and using the weight machines and seeing the scale not move at all. I am trying really hard (and succeeding) to not spend more than 90 minutes at the gym 3-4 days a week...but I really want to be there longer. I would like to do 90 minutes of cardio and then the weights. Make that the other way around. Studies are showing if you do the weights first and then do cardio you burn up to 10% more calories the rest of the day!

My grandfather either has prostate cancer or they aren't sure. My mother has been going with him to appointments and I can't get a straight answer from anyone. I am unamused. I realize it is HIGHLY treatable...but I'd like to be in the loop. I am 37...not three or seven and I think I can handle whatever. The 18th he is going for some procedure and I am picking him up and I'll know more then, unless I can get the 411 from him directly.

I am also in the this weird place that missing sessions with Rob has me stressed and feeling really "weird." I haven't had problems with this in a LONG time. But, ever since my So Cal trip, it has been an issue. Missing Monday was really hard and now I had to cancel the 18th for my grandfather and probably the whole week after that because of VBS. Then I leave for PYT and come home and he is on vacation. I hate that for whatever reason I need him so much right now. It's not like anything life shattering is going in therapy at the moment, but I really hate when we have to skip sessions.

Okay, I am off to make up my VBS wish list!

I'm Weird!

2007-05-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

And I know y'all knew that! I was tagged by Ryan to come up with six weird/strange things about me and then tag 6 others.

1. I love Junior Highers! I started my youth/children's ministry career with high school ministry...but I LOVE Jr. Highers. In fact, I am leading tonight and our YD told me that when the JHers knew I was coming and teaching they said they would be there.

2. I am a "girly girl," but if a hockey game goes by without a big fight I am sorely disappointed when I go home.

3. When I was in school I had a tendency to work ahead and completed my 5th grade math book by Christmas vacation.

4. All my volunteer experience (CC, Saddleback) has been in mega-churches. All my paid experience has been in churches 250 and under.

5. I love to cook/bake and share it with others instead of trying it myself.

6. I don't mind vacationing alone.

I tag:

Mel, Jeff, PK, Todd, Clint, Brian

Jars of Clay

2007-05-17T11:20:00.000-07:00

Today I am taking a me day because I know if I went into work then I would get nothing done because my mind is all over the place about today.

One thought occured to me. OTHER than God, which is a given, the most consistent thing in my life the last seven years has been my love for Jars of Clay. Go ahead and laugh...but it's true. I mean it has been LONGER than seven years...but when it comes to Marc, Greg and Rob...all three are ties to Jars' music in my mind for one reason or another. Kind of odd...but it's really funny. I heard a song from the CD "If I Left the Zoo" and that reminded me of Marc. Not the song...but there is a song from that CD.

Greg more because he had to hear me babble on about them when I saw them in concert about a zillion times. They didn't have a CD come out when I saw him.

Rob gets the bulk of my Jars' talk. I buy a CD, download onto iTunes and loan it to him. I think I have done that with every CD in the last 4 years. So dorky...but I have given him an appreciation for them!

I really wanted to take today and reflect on my last session with Marc and what I feel about it. But, that hasn't happened. In fact, I have done anything I could to not think about the emotions of it all. It stunk, the way it all happened was unfair (in my opinion) and there would be a lot I would do over. The last few years I have been able to sit back and be thankful for the time we had, for everything he did (right or wrong) and for setting me on this journey. Not this year. I mean I can still do all that...but I also feel like my heart is being ripped out of my body yet again.

That's the one thing I told (well...wrote to him) him about 2 months after he told me he would be leaving CIFT. I wrote it was like I was having heart surgery and he gets called away. Someone else CAN finish the job, but that person hasn't been there since the beginning and they weren't the one holding my heart in their hand. Sappy...but at the time I thought it was brilliant. That's what I get for thinking!

Anniversaries

2007-05-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

I promised a post on the anniversaries I eluded to so here it is. Although, I have to mention this first: something happened to my computer and I lost EVERYTHING document/picture/music wise. It’s really kinds of weird. If anyone has a clue how I can get them back, please let me know. I am pretty sure it is all gone forever…and it is the pictures that break my heart. All my important documents are burned on CDs and what I lost wasn’t totally important, but I did lose part 3 and the beginning of part 4 of my ED articles for YMX, I lost my resume and some other stuff I was in the process of burning onto CD. I lost everything on iTunes. THAT is a killer.

I had emailed Rob about the dates and when he asked me about them yesterday I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t. Seven years ago yesterday, I spent a few hours in the ER talking my way OUT of being admitted to the psych ward after a half hearted suicide attempt. Half hearted may not be the right words. More of…part way through I snapped out of whatever zone I was in and stopped. It was a definite if one Prozac is good then several more must be better, didn’t put any real thought into it thing. It seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do. Get up, go to church, call my mom and grandmother and tell them Happy Mother’s Day, hang up and take a bunch of pills.

It was impulsive and yet and the same time I lied to Marc when I walked out his door for the next to the last time and told him I was safe when I knew it wasn’t true. It kind of became a thing the last few weeks…verbally contracting for safety. To my “credit,” I did call him later and told him I lied…but that I was OK. It’s not like he didn’t know I was constantly counting my Prozac leading up to what happened. I told him. My guess is I figured if I talked about it, it might prevent me from actually doing anything about it.

Seven years later I have no clue what I feel about it. Part of the time I am really glad I snapped out of it because there are things the last seven years I wouldn’t have missed for anything. Part of the time I could kick myself for snapping out of it and absolutely wish if I hadn’t carried it out then that I would have in 2003.

It hasn’t 100% occupied my thoughts and I am still not sure if I feel regret about not doing enough to kill myself that day or not. You’d think I’d have more to say this far removed from the whole thing…but I don’t.

The other anniversary is Thursday. It will have been seven years since my last session with Marc. I guess that is where I regret a lot of things…mainly for really clamming up for almost five months. Not that I didn’t talk in that time…but the day he told he’d be leaving we might as well have quit seeing him then. He knew how absolutely devastated I was, he knew that I couldn’t deal with it and, for better or worse, he allowed me to rely on the written word to tell him all that. The second he tried to bring the subject up I would shut down. Stupid and immature I know…but I didn’t know how to handle it. I still maintain telling me 5 months before the fact was not the smartest thing to do and I would love to know his thinking.
I really try and not paint that time all nice and rosy because it wasn’t. There were days I pretty much plopped down on the couch and simply wanted to sleep because I was exhausted. I guess the no food and at times exercising my head off will do that to a person. I remember once he told me that was OK and if I needed to sleep I could sleep…but really couldn’t do that and have him watch me sleep for an hour! I ended up in the ER pretty much once a month the whole time I saw him for one reason or another. When he suggested meds the evaluation I went through at Kaiser was awful. I put him off for months and after what happened, I probably should have kept blowing the suggestion off!

But, for all the “red flags” that supposedly were there (according to my therapist when I went to Remuda the first time)…there are a few things that I will be eternally grateful for:
1. He took me on when even though I told him I was pretty much forced to be there and was only about 30% sure I wanted to be there.
2. He didn’t expect me to give up any behaviors until I was ready. This may have been not such a good thing, but didn’t seem any different than what my friends’ therapists were doing. Obviously the goal is to stop, but at that point, there would have been no way I could have stopped. I managed around 12 days (in a row) at one point, but that was it.
3. He instinctively knew when I needed a call. There were a few occasions where I hadn’t called him (hadn’t needed to really) and he called me. The two times that stand out are before the icky evaluation at Kaiser. I was really anxious and about 11 PM my phone rings. Considering I wasn’t falling asleep until 2 or 3 in the morning it figures it was the one night I fell asleep early! Just before he left to go out of town Easter 2000 he told me not to isolate. My car was in the shop and so that really impacted what I could do and where I could go except for Easter stuff with Gina’s family. Over the weekend he called me from wherever he and his family were for Easter to check up on me.

You’d think seven years later I’d be over it. It’s been a long time and I wouldn’t trade Rob for anything. In fact, the last couple years the date has come in gone and I have thought about it, but it hasn’t had me on edge, anxious, shaky…whatever it is that’s going on.

Season Over...Update 1

2007-05-11T09:22:00.000-07:00

This is the HP Pavilion. Home of my 2nd job and of the San Jose Sharks! Having the season end prematurely was a heart breaker. Seeing Bill Guerin's injury, the shark and the squid I could have lived quite happily without seeing. I was at the end of the team bench (outside the glass) for game 4 and saw the shark (long story...even longer how it got IN the building) and saw Guerin as they brought him off the ice. The last 90 seconds of Game 6 a Red Wings fan threw a squid on the ice. It had probably been hidden in his pocket for a few hours. The stink was soooooooo bad. But, there wasn't anything any of could have done. A few of us saw it, but couldn't stop it in time.

Another usher equated last Monday's game to the last day of school. The ushers are not seasonal and we work year round, but some people do take a leave over the summer and not every event needs all 170+ of us to work. In fact, I loved picking up my paycheck yesterday because I got to see people! Okay, there is a SJ Sabercats game on Saturday...but still!

So, we have a few months of no hockey and I am really sad. I will miss seeing my fellow ushers several times a week and I will miss the guests. I met some really neat people at the games and enjoyed having conversations with them.

More to Come

2007-05-10T11:39:00.000-07:00

Just a quick hi to anyone who may still read this stuff. I will blog more about the end of the Sharks, season, what is up with me and food (though to my credit none of it is coming up!), what is going with therapy stuff (perfectionism...loads of fun!) and a couple of significant anniversaries coming up next week...the 14th ad especially the 17th. I sort of find it funny because the 4th anniversary of me leaving for LIFE the last time barely registered until the day of!

That enough to keep you coming back? ;)

But Wait...Here's More!

2007-05-02T09:04:00.000-07:00

It's a Small World

I have always liked this scene!

I am going to tell the kids this is what will happen to them if they do not sign up for VBS!!

Frederick with my YOAMD prize!

More Pix!

2007-05-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

Matterhorn

Who Are You?

In line for Star Tours

Everyone and their brother has shots like these...but I take one every year anyway!

Inside The Animation Building

Some of My Trip In Pix...Disneyland Pix!

2007-05-02T08:52:00.000-07:00

The Jungle Cruise...or a self portrait?

Love the baby ducks! I can watch them for HOURS!

Getting ready to take off on the Astro Blasters

I really like this attraction. Even better when there is NO line!

The lobby of the Hollywood Towers Hotel!

Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

2007-04-22T21:47:00.000-07:00

Last night my friend Steve, whom I have known for about 15 years, and I went to the Angels game! It was fun as always. I was sitting in the 400s and I have never sat that high up before. It wasn't too bad. Job hazard: I watched the ticket takers and ushers off and on. I was surprised what they let guests get away with! Best thing is they won!

This morning I went to church and for the first time tried a different venue than the traditional Saddleback service. I went to Overdrive and I really liked it. I almost stayed for another service just to try another one out!

I went to Disneyland and picked up my Park Hopper for the week and then headed to Irvine Spectrum for a movie and finally a meal. I only ate maybe 1/2 and then had a glass of wine. That was stupid. Somehoe I gained 2 pounds today. I am so NOT amused.

Tomorrow is the "Walk in Walt's Footsteps" tour! I am really looking forward to it. I have always wanted to take a guided tour and decided to splurge...even though I probably shouldn't have.

Lapse or Relapse?

2007-04-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

It depends on who you ask. If you ask my dietitian she would tell you I am in a relapse. If you ask me, I am struggling...but I am holding my own. If you asked Rob, he would probably be somewhere in between the two of us.

I am not even sure what has happened. One day I am pretty much eating a couple meals a day and even a snack at times and the next thing you know I am going to the gym (which is not a wise choice) and doing an hour of cardio on the cross ramp and then some circuit weight stuff. But, it's not like I am losing a ton of weight. Okay, if I didn't have PCOS it would be...but I do so it is coming off slowly and is only now being noticed by people.

The odd thing is that even thought I say, "But it's different this time." It really is. It is different because it is NOT a relapse and different because I can see some of the issues very clearly. Most of it has to do with my "old friend" the cognitive distortion. There are many of them and right now the one knocking on my brain is "magical thinking." You see...things are going well right now both at church and at the HP. I am loving both places and would not give either one up for anything. However, my mind has somehow linked this "success" to restricting. If I continue to restrict then things will CONTINUE to go well. I almost passed out in Barnes & Noble at Fashion Island tonight because I hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours (I think I had a soft chicken taco and a bottle of water) and I think things will continue to go well?? I don't think so. I also write that one off to exhaustion of a 6+ hour drive to OC in the rain...but no food didn't help.

There is also the fact that I don't think I DESERVE what is happening right now. I could teach on grace and mercy until the cows come home...but I find it very hard to extend those things to myself. Part of that is my perfectionism which I am learning needs to be managed because it will NOT go away and it shouldn't in some cases. When I work as part of a team it really helps when I am working as part of a team (big picture) but am more on my own it causes me problems. I still need to process that more and come to terms with the fact that it's not going to go away and no amount of wishing is going to make it happen.

So, Rob and I are slowly making our way through "Gaining." I have been holding back. As much as it makes sense to me...I froze in sharing it with him. I figured out why. I was afraid he wouldn't believe me...that I was just pulling stuff out of a book because it sounded good. When I lived in Indiana, the therapist I was seeing didn't believe me when I told him I was throwing up almost everything I ate because my weight wasn't changing much. I had myself convinced Rob wouldn't believe what I said about the book. We talked it out on Monday and discussed what I wanted to share Thursday and it was good. It was very good.

I am on vacation for the next week or so and we'll see what happens. I cannot have a repeat of today!

I Can Die a Happy Woman Pt. 2

2007-04-17T07:50:00.000-07:00

I had the absolute joy and pleasure of working "in the bowl" last night for game #3. One of the best things about working at the HP is that we get moved around and get to learn a bunch of different jobs within our department. For the most part, we never know where we will be until the assignments go up the day of the event. I was really expecting to be outside the bowl as I have not been inside for the last few games of the season. I was absolutely "giddy" when I saw I was going to get me be inside and in a section where I have worked before which lowers my anxiety immensely. Not that I get too anxious anymore...but this is playoffs! A whole new ball o' wax!

Not sure if I can adequately describe what it is like being in the bowl for a game like last night's game. The energy was so different than the other games. They gave white pom poms out at the doors and when we scored...to look around and see the bowl turn white as people shook them and the noise and the music and the excitement...wow! It means a lot to me since I know I will not be in the bowl Wednesday as I am Inside Director. However, this means I get to experience it all from a whole different POV.

Guests were so kind last night and so much fun! At least in my section. I was high fived...I was hugged (always a shock), I was told what a good job I was doing and no one sat in the wrong seat! :) At the end, we do "Three Stars of the Game" and three kids receive an autographed souvenir stick. The big rules is to not let kids hang on the glass as parents put them on their shoulders or hold them up. We get to the #1 Star and Mike Grier headed right toward where a little girl was with her dad in my section. She couldn't quite get up even with her dad, so we boosted her up a little more together and she got the stick! A guest told me that was a really nice thing to do and asked me if I'd lift HIM up on Wednesday. I love my job!

I Can Die a Happy Woman!

2007-03-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

I can die happy now! Okay, working the Josh Groban concert last night isn't the last thing I want to do with my life...but it wasn't a bad thing at all!

I have been a Groban fan since the first time I ever heard him sing. I loved him on "Ally McBeal" and he is an incredibly talented man. He was here in concert last night and I was fortunate enough to get to work the concert and be placed as a floor usher!

It was fun talking to guests and hear how much they LOVE Josh. I was talking to this one "mature" guest and she told me she felt "kittenish." Her hubby looked at me and rolled his eyes. While there were probably some husbands/significant others that were there simply for their spouse/SO...there were plenty of men who appreciated Groban for his amazing voice and he was just so funny!

My New Favorite Book

2007-03-22T09:08:00.000-07:00

On my MySpace one of the groups I belong to is for RR alums. One of the girls/women/"whatever" I was with had mentioned the book and it sounded interesting. However, over the past I don't know how many years I have read a TON about EDs (for both triggering and not so triggering reasons) and wasn't sure if I really wanted another book. Of course all my other books (both good and bad) were given to Rob before I went to LIFE the last time.

A few weeks ago I got a friend request from the author. My guess it was based on the fact I belong to a couple ED groups on MySpace. Anyway, I accepted and looked at Aimee's MySpace and decided I'll get the book.

Last week at the mall I popped into Borders and bought it. I read it straight through from cover to cover. I bought a copy for Rob and I think he was shocked. So, now I am trying to go through it slowly and really read what she is saying and how that does (or not) apply to me. My only complaint is that it is all based on anorexia and bulimia and leaves out ED-NOS. In some ways that is no biggie because I would venture most of us know where we fall on the spectrum. While to look at me one would guess "COE" I am not even close. My mindset and traits fall into anorexia and, as my RR therapist told me 7 years ago, you are a blip on the screen for bulimic tendencies.

There is so much in here that makes sense to me. Aimee writes:

Our similarities went way beyond where and when we were raised: we both dreaded making a mistake;both hated being the center of attention, even though we craved praise and needed to excel; we didn't laugh easily or openly trust ourselves to relax.

I do think I laugh easily...depending on who I am with...but the rest fits like a glove. Even knowing I am going to make mistakes I dread it. There is no way around it because we aren't perfect (really...I promise...we aren't), but I hate it...especially when I try so hard not to make one. Even presenting to Session the other night I so wanted them to like what I did (putting together our Children's Ministry handbook) and yet I hated that the focus was on me.

Rob accuses me of being there mainly to be compliant. I finally emailed him and told him I have realized there is NOTHING I can say that will convince him otherwise. Then I read this:

"...we try to move patients to a new framework, to enable them to accept growth and change." The problem is that growing and changing run directly counter to the craving of order and familiarity the typifies anorexia nervosa. Carefully constructed rituals and disciplines protect and illusion of emotional safety. By challenging these rigid patterns of behavior and thinking, treatment threatens to expose "unacceptable" emotions like fear and and grief and despair.

Ack! I am realizing how true that is for me. I have rid myself of many food rituals and things like that over the last few years since my last stay at RR, but I have also seen myself other things I try and do to keep some sort of order to my life. Things like working today at the HP instead of seeing Rob, while my choice, has me in a bit of a tizzy and kinda has me paralyzed to do much else today but sit here and blog!

I saw this on one of Aimee's blogs:

I’ve been prowling some of the chat rooms where my new book GAINING is being discussed, and I’ve noticed just one complaint, from those who are still fully in the grip of an eating disorder. Why, they wonder, does the book not spell out “how to” recover?

I find this a very telling comment. It reflects an assumption that there is a single, one-size-fits-all solution. But there is no single way in to an eating disorder. How could there be a single way out?

I fully understand the hunger behind this comment. Just tell me what I have to do to get free of this suffering! But ultimately, freedom comes with self-awareness and self-acceptance. Because each of us has a different “self,” shaped by a different temperament, interests, desires, and experiences, we must each find our own ways to the pursuits and passions and people that best nourish us.
The desire for a prescription also reflects the black-and-white thinking that gives rise to eating disorders in the first place. We get into trouble because we embrace what researchers call the “overvalued ideal” of perfection as suffering. This notion of perfection, I believe, lies closer to the true heart of eating disorders than the ideal of physical thinness.

Wow!

Sigh...

2007-03-20T15:42:00.000-07:00

Jr. High retreat was awesome! I can honestly say other than some little things I would not change a thing about the weekend. For me to say that...well...that's huge. Above are some pix!

I haven't been here for a long time. Not sure why. I am really busy and that is a huge part of it. Part of it is also I don't have a whole lot to say right now.

I never heard back from Saddleback...I found out I wasn't going to even GET an interview when I saw Kurt's post on his blog about bringing someone in. Truthfully, I thought they would be better than most churches when it comes to communication. It really surprised me they wouldn't let people know through a quick email. I know...no one is perfect...but I did expect better.

We are busy, busy busy at the HP with the Western Regional coming up this week. I am soooo excited!

Right now I am in a huge slide and I am not sure why. It kind of started when I had diverticulitis and has gone downhill from there.

A Free Moment...

2007-03-02T11:35:00.000-08:00

I just put the finishing touched on our Children's Ministry Volunteer Handbook. My SP needs to look at it and then Session needs to look at it and then we need to implement it. I may try and hold off until fall. Most of the stuff we are already doing that is why I'd like the hold off. Plus, by the time I make changes, Session approves it, etc. the "year" will be over and we actually gear down at summer except for VBS.

Tonight the PAC-10 Women's Tourney begins and I am looking forward to it. I start in five hours so I have a little down time. I will probably find a place to go and read...maybe go to the mall and get *gasp* something to eat. Right now I'm not hungry, but I know I need to eat something before we start tonight. Our 15 minute break is not enough time to sit down and eat anything, just to sit down and inhale something!

I have been kicking around what "compliant" means and how much I am being "compliant" because that's what I do...and how much I am being compliant because I want to be free...I want to not struggle with food and the issues behind it. I guess I should reverse that. I do the latter and the former will happen. Not that I am doing terribly because I'm not...compared to 7 years ago...compared to four years ago...but I know I am also not where I should be and I am not sure what is holding me back from diving in. I sometimes get frustrated with that...Rob is ALWAYS frustrated with it as he shared with me yesterday. I'll see him 2 days next week and then the next two weeks it will only be once because of my schedule. Could be interesting.

Disney on Ice

2007-02-23T15:23:00.000-08:00

Wednesday night started a return engagement of Disney on Ice. It is an awesome show and I like it a lot. They did a great job with The Incredibles storyline and tying it in with Disneyland. During the Haunted Mansion segment I find myself reciting the "spiel" because I know it so well. I work tonight and then tomorrow morning and then that's it until Monday when the Sharks come home! I'm not going to see this show because I don't want to go alone and my mom doesn't want to see this one. So, I will have a nice break until church Sunday and the Sharks/PAC-10 Women's Tourney next weekend.

Of course, this show is making me more excited to go down to OC in April for PDCM and Disneyland! I still need to figure out where I am going to stay, etc. Anna is out after the way her husband treated me (and her) when I was there last year. OMG...I see the woman (who I have known since she was FOURTEEN) ONCE a year. My bet is I won't even get to see her this year. I get the baggage from his first marriage...I get the wounds that are still there...but Anna is NOT that woman and all I want to do is see someone who started out as a kid in my small group and became a great friend. Sigh... I may see if I can stay in Buena Park with my friend Gina for a few days and then priceline.com a hotel closer to Saddleback for the conference. I don't mind commuting from Irvine (really don't want to do it from Anaheim) the rest of the week.

Debra gave me ownership of the JH Retreat and then took it away...I think without realizing it...and it's just annoying. I need and will talk to her...but I am taking a break for the next month or so. Part of that is because I will be working some stuff at the HP. My one reservation about saying anything is that she will profusely apologize and then do it again in a couple months. For the most part, this is OK because I have a lot to do leadership/registration wise for the retreat, but that is kinda not the point.

Next month I meet with my JH Student Leaders and we'll plan the dreaded Easter Egg Hunt for Easter. At least I was able to change it to BEFORE church so the kids (and me) can stay IN church for the whole service. That's been a huge pet peeve of mine since I got there. Now if I could just get them to let me cancel it completely... I have to say that this team of 5 Jr. Highrs is probably the best thing I have done for the new year. They are committed, their parents are committed to have them at meetings and the teachers are giving me great reports back on them.

That's kind of it. I have been so busy at the HP that when I at church I try to focus there on what needs to be done. After we are done with the latest Saddleback DVD series, it is back to regular WoRM and I need to find teachers...and the "empty tomb" recipe! The kids have been asking about it for months and we haven't done a cooking rotation for a few months.

Still nothing about the position at Saddleback. I am guessing that it was a no go and they had too many applicants to get back to everyone...or, as I said before, Katie's acknowledgment, was a thank you sending it...that's it...type thing. Not that I am unhappy where I am and I LOVE the HP...but I do miss OC and my friends and Disneyland and would love the chance to go back if God wants me to.

It's Over...for Now!

2007-02-18T22:36:00.000-08:00

Today I completed 13 days without a day off. HUGE mistake. I have two full days off and then I am back to twice a day W, TH and F and then Saturday morning and Sunday. I work the Sharks on the 26^th and 28^th and I’ll get my schedule for March on the 26^th.

After finishing my first big event at the HP…I know better how to structure my schedule next year. I got to be part of the “special staffing.” This sounds a lot better than it really is. Yes, I was given a different uniform to wear for most of the time…but it was NOT glamorous work. It was being on the perimeter of the “glam stuff” and making sure only those allowed in certain areas were let in to those areas. It was telling people “no” and sending them where they needed to go. I saw none of the actual event…just what was on TV when I wasn’t working. Granted, I had the opportunity to say hello to a player (initiated by them), but I also had to send them back to the locker room if they didn’t have their credentials. Most of them were very nice about it…a couple were quite rude and one came close to pushing me aside when I asked him for his credential, but I moved first.

Most of the sponsors for the event were great as well. The company that sponsored the event has 35,000 employees in over 100 countries and so we had people from all over the world in the building. I think what amazed me was that some of these people assumed that just because we are ushers that we must be uneducated and only there to try to be groupies for whatever event is in the building at the time. They have no idea how highly educated some of the ushers are and what jobs they hold or have held in the past. Yes we have college students and high schoolers on staff...but that is the minority.

Two things happened this week…one really bad and one that made it all OK. Well, not really, but it was a nice little cap to the end of my day. There was some spoken and some unspoken jealousy about my “special” status this past week. I didn’t ask for it, I had nothing to do with being “chosen” for it, etc. They tell me to do something and I do it. It finally got to me on Thursday night. One of the guys that I get along with fairly well went on and on and ON about how it wasn’t fair, that he heard you had to have been there a year to be chosen, etc. Then, when I was in my spot for the night, one of the others came to give me my break and she questions if I was doing my job correctly. That did it. I barely made it back up the elevator, across the concourse and back down stairway 8 to the Uniform Room before I started really crying. Another usher, trying to be helpful, tells me that we need to just go with the flow because that night I was in “her spot” only because there was a screw up in her schedule.

The good/sweet thing that happened was one of the sponsor’s staffers. One night I thought I may have screwed up and asked him who I should apologize to. I let a CRT team member down the stairs instead of sending him down the elevator. Their job is to get where they need to be as quickly as possible so I didn’t think until it happened. Anyway, I was explaining that to James and telling him I was really sorry. He told me that it was fine, it was no big deal and that I was doing a great job. Wednesday night he came up to me and formally introduced himself and I was glad to have an ally. Friday I was in my “blues” and he got there (I had been there since before light) about 5ish or so and told me I looked “smart” in my uniform. Gag!

Since I didn’t work today, last night I let him know and he said to make sure I say goodbye before I left or he’d come find me at the end of the matches. He was handling some transportation issues and so I went out to day goodbye. He said he’d see me next year and I said that as far as I knew I was planning on being there and we shook hands. I started to head back in when he pulled me back out and leaned over and kissed my cheek. I know it was no big deal…but it was sweet.

Here’s the thing. I get so very little affection (friendly or otherwise) from anyone other than my hugs from Rob at the end of our sessions that just that little peck of friendship/finishing a battle well together…whatever you want to call it really felt good. Okay, a friend of mine was asked for her phone number by one of the players…but this was still nice. I am such a dork!

In other rants…I didn’t even get a card from my mom for Valentine’s Day. I made sure she had a card and some candy…and I got nothing! She bought a meatloaf Thursday night and when I got home at almost 1 AM Friday morning I just wanted to go to bed and so I said I’d eat some later Friday. I get off work, stop to get some potato wedges to go with the meatloaf and she gave the rest to my grandparents! She offered to go me something else…but I told her to forget it! This is one of the reasons why James’ kindness meant a lot.

Anyone Out There?

2007-02-14T10:15:00.000-08:00

Lets' see...

I finished my meds and so far, so good. I am pain free and infection free, but it is still hard to eat. I do and am doing okay...but there is a little fear each time I have to eat. I made the mistake of eating some broccoli too soon and so anything that might have more fiber in it (though it helps with not having another infection) scares me a little. I had an apple last night at work (I wish they would have fruit ALL the time. I think it would sell at other events.) and it was fine. So, I tuink it is safe.

Our SP is back from Sabbatical and it has been a fairly smooth transition to "back to normal." I know there will be some changes (good ones) as a result of his time away and I am looking forward to them. We meet tomorrow for an hour or so to talk about the last few months and where I need his help ASAP. We talked a bit after staff meeting yesterday and it was really positive. I think tomorrow will be a good meeting.

I am almost at my 260 hours at the HP and I will be off probation. Most jobs have a 60-90 thing, but because we are event based, they do our probationary period by hours worked. I'll get a raise and that's about it...but it will good to know I have passed that milestone. I think I am just over 40 hours shy of the 260. This month I have had three 5 hour days already and I still work three more nights this week that should be 5+ hours. The rest will add up.

Our Presbytery JH Retreat is coming up the 2nd weekend in March and I am working on stuff for that. Getting the order sheets ready to fax to the camp next week, finalizing the schedule for approval of the rest of the committee, working with the speaker to get what I need from him to do the booklets, etc. It is going to weird to be there with our kids and yet not be "with them." With all my duties while we are there (registration, Friday's group game, MCing, etc.) I am going to stay in a leadership cabin so I can sleep when I need to and be up when I need to. The bummer thing is DST starts while we are there! We lose an hour our last night! Ugh!

Haven't heard anything from Saddleback yet...who knows? I am so excited about the possibility, but since I have not received anything other than Katie's acknowledgment...I am thinking it is thanks, but no thanks.

Oh...GO SHARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Pain in...

2007-02-02T09:23:00.000-08:00

I know...been MIA again. Last week I spent two days in pain before I finally went to the ER. Having no insurance I was scared to go. But, since I make NO $$, I qualified for a program that cost me a whopping $20 for everything. This was good because I had a CT scan!

Turns out I have diverticulitis. I am a little young (a lot young) and I have feeling it is a long term effect of Mr. ED. Anyway, they gave me meds and vicodin and sent me home. Turns out I was allergic to the meds and my face swelled like a balloon. I called Urgent Care and they said quit taking them, drink a lot of water and they could see me Monday. I have a new med and so far...so good. I am still in a little pain, but I can work through it.

This has brought up a lot of food issues. Nothing major, but stuff I need to be aware of and work through. Rob and I started on it, but got sidetracked because some nice people encouraged me on YMX and as I was reading I literally got sick to my stomach. I think working through that is going to take precedence over food stuff.

Anyway, I will try and post more. There isn't a lot going on right now. I am gearing up for VBS and the kids are doing a great series from Saddleback. The teachers are liking the material and shock of all shocks...making it work for them!!! Woo hoo!

Junior High? I have been out of the loop the last couple weeks because it was my grandma's 86th birthday on the 21st and then they were all at Winter Camp last week. It was probably a good thing Debra left me off the leadership for the trip...with the diverticulitis I would have had to cancel anyway.

Quiz Time!!

2007-01-23T21:19:00.000-08:00

You Are a Black and White Cookie

You're often conflicted in life, and you feel pulled in two opposite directions.
When you're good, you're sweet as sugar. And when you're bad, you're wicked!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

Not sure about the being wicked part...but I do often fall into a trap of black and white thinking!


Thanks,

Jeff

Under Pressure

2007-01-22T21:11:00.000-08:00

It happened AGAIN. I talked my way out of First Aid, but I did get sent home early Saturday night. I am not sure what happened this time. I was fueled, I was hydrated and I was not in a new position. Toni thinks it could have still been food related, but also thinks (like Rob and I) it could have been anxiety related.

I had a salad late Saturday morning and wasn’t all that hungry later. One of the other usher’s works at a Starbucks and will bring goodies from time to time. I mostly look and don’t touch, but that night I had a piece of reduced fat coffee cake. I went to my position and all seemed fine.

Anyway, early in my shift I was holding onto a bag for a guest outside of my Club section while he went to get a program. Nice guy...hadn't been to a game in three years and was like a little kid...it was sweet. I love to see people excited to be there and to watch the Sharks play. It was no biggie to watch the bag and it wasn’t in the way.

So, he's heading back down to his seat when my supervisor comes by to check on me, give me any instructions that may be different from another shift, etc. She sees me with the bag and says, "Deneice, did you go shopping before work?" (She knew I wouldn't do that...it was all in fun) I handed the bag back to the guest and said, "No, I was just holding onto a bag for a guest." Then she tells me that she knew it would be something like that because that's something I would do! That was nice, sweet, etc. However, I am having a hard time with all of this.

I want to scream that I have the whole staff fooled and they have no idea what a loser I am...but I keep my mouth shut. It's so hard to watch people who have been there for years get stuck with places that I have never been assigned to and find myself in places it took some TWO years to achieve. Thursday night they sent someone home so I could take their place and not be sent home. I sit and listen to people complain about their assignments, being sent home without an option (we are guaranteed 3 hours no matter what…not great…but $$ is $$), etc. and I just keep quiet. We all get the bad spots; we all are subject to being released, etc. The fun and the people far outweigh any perceived negatives.

The job is a total blessing. However, the "exceed guests' expectations" is dangerous ground for me because it brings out my perfectionist tendencies. I mean we were 4^th in the world in non-sports revenue, we are either #2 or #1 in guest services and that is great! It can be anxiety producing.

But, I haven’t had that throw up/pass out feeling since November and so I found some way to not be anxious I am going to blow it. I just don’t know what. I think the positive feedback is seriously blowing my mind and Saturday was just the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

Rob is having a field day with this! It's no secret to anyone that this is a huge issue for me and I think he is "enjoying" watching me process all this out. The nerve!

One of the other things I like about the job is no one knows about my history. They have no idea about the ED or the SI. Some do know about the tattoo because we were talking about them a couple weeks ago and I mentioned mine. M and J were in shock. They didn’t think I was the type.

The ONE benefit of people knowing my history is that they usually watch the food/diet/weight talk around me. I think that is the sole thing that triggers me. Not magazines, not TV…but the food/weigh/diet talk. I generally do a pretty good job of coping…but a couple weeks ago I found myself so triggered and it didn’t dawn on me until this weekend.

I worked a double and had a break between events. There is this little Mexican place that has really good carne asada burritos. It isn’t “the burrito that ate Tokyo,” but it’s not tiny either. However, after only having a bottle of Boost and being on my feet for like 4 hours I figured it was fine. Plus, I don’t eat the whole tortilla. I eat about ½ and then unfold it and eat the filling. I get back to the arena, sit down with M and another J and unwrap the burrito from the foil. M takes one look at it and goes on and on and ON asking how could I eat the whole thing, that it would be a meal for three days for her, it was huge, etc., etc., etc.

I know that this is the “real world” and this goes on all the time…but I didn’t realize how ill equipped I feel to deal with that type of trigger. It does play with my head. Maybe she was right, maybe I did eat too much, blah, blah, blah.

Look! A New Post!

2007-01-16T09:25:00.001-08:00

I know...I know...I really need to blog more. I love my 2nd job...but it gets in the way of my blogging!

I just came off a W, TH, F, SA, M schedule there...nothing else until this Thursday! They started putting me in Club aisles at work which puts me roughly 16 rows up from the ice for hockey games! I also did my first real floor assignment for a concert and was on the floor for the Harlem Globetrotters. I love the fact they move us all over!

Saturday I was working a double and during my second shift a cool thing happened. I almost hesitate to put it here...but no one knows about the blog at the other place so I think I am safe. Anyway, I had worked the doors and then got to "do breaks." This means I get a slip of paper with names on it and their assigned place. I find them and give them their 15 break. During this time, one of the sups comes up to me and shakes my hand. He says, "I have to tell you, you are my favorite new hire." He tells me (which he has done in the past) that he loves my attitude, my willingness to do whatever is asked, my smile, etc. Then he told me that the whole staff "just loves you." WOW! This is good because I was convinced that "T" didn't like me. "D" said that was just his personality. I hope so!

I shared this on YMX, but here it is again:

I think I have reached my last straw. Tuesday at staff meeting Debra said that the Girls' Night was not going to happen but it may be a movie night instead. Not a problem. I wasn't scheduled to work the HP on Friday and so I asked to work.

Tonight (Sunday) I find out that it IS going to happen and all the females and their moms were emailed today and told about after church. Everyone, that is, about me. I am going to stick around until our SP gets back (he's back the 4th) and talk to him before I decide to step away. I'm sorry. If I were in her position and never had ONE meeting with her volunteers in 6 months...I'd be out the door.

Which I followed up by asking these questions:

1. Am I the problem? Am I not being flexible to her leadership style?
2. Am I being self-centered because this seems like it is all about me?
3. Do my concerns ignore what is best for our youth ministry?
4. I am really not needed there anymore? That really is a valid question.
5. Maybe I deserve this?

1. I could be part of the problem. It is conflict. It usually takes two people. I don't think it is a matter of not being flexible to her style (I go with the flow, lead something at the last second which is when she usually asks, etc.), but not getting hat her style is...or that her style is to not keep volunteers informed unless they are parent volunteers.

2. This is a tricky one. As I told Rob, Paul (the other non-parent volunteer) really doesn't care if he is in the loop or not. His response when asked to do something by Debra and even by me if I am leading something is, "Yes, master." I guess it is about me as far as wanting to be informed so I don't look like an idiot when parents ask me a question and I am clueless. So, while the issue itself is not all about me...not wanting to look stupid is and I am not sure that is a problem. If volunteers are uninformed that doesn't help the youth ministry.

3 & 4. If I take a good look at this one...I am the only female weekly volunteer in our YM. Parents come in and help with events and teach from time to time...but I am the only consistent female volunteer. While my focus is JH...we do combine for the first half of the group and so I am there for our HS girls a bit as well...but that is more Debra's gig. IF Debra is only here for a year (it is a year to year thing) and we go back to a 100% volunteer ministry and I step away there will be no female leaders...period. So...my first thought is that my concerns, if nothing is done, can hurt our YM unless other women step up. If I'm gone maybe that would happen. I'm not holding my breath though. She tells me I am needed, but has a funny way of showing it.

5. Okay...that isn't a "real" question as far as figuring this stuff out...just a default reaction to all of it.

Not making any real decision yet. It has meant so much to be back in YM and to have been asked by my SP to come back as a volunteer was/is pretty cool.

A New Year...A New Job???

2007-01-07T07:59:00.000-08:00

I decided to try and step back into YM. Well, I am making an attempt at any rate. I have said over the past couple years if I went back into FT youth ministry I wanted to be part of a team and not the head honcho/top of the heap/fearless leader, etc. An opportunity has presented itself and my resume has been sent. Now begins the waiting game.

When I saw the blurb for it on YS, it took everything in me to not just send my resume that very second, but I really wanted to talk to Rob first. I wanted to sort out some pros and cons and get his take on my readiness. His first thought was this fits me like a glove. He said his first thoughts were the job is part of a ministry I love and an area of the country I love and have support/friends. He said it’s funny it happens now when I am getting such positive feedback from people at church (there have been some cool comments from people lately) and I have a great 2^nd job. He told me he can’t wait to see what God does with all this…whether or not I end up getting the position.

I’ve said in the past 7 years (almost) since I was a member there and then left (though I think my membership is still there) that I would love to be on staff. Not because of what the church is and who is a part and all the other “perks” that seem to go with that church…but because my time there was incredibly healing (okay…I went to RR in the midst of all that…but still), I grew so much in my walk and I was so content there it was amazing. I see some of that now where I am…but not like it was. It’s not even romanticizing it. Every time I go back it is like I have never left…with some cool changes.

It’s all in God’s hands and as Toni said…wouldn’t it be great if I had to choose between good and good? When I left IN there as very little to be sad about and I wanted out of there. I also knew I had the green light from God, too. This time around…it would be harder. I think of “my” JHers (mainly the 6^th graders) and how I would love to see them grow up into the men and women of God I see glimpses of. Then I look at something that has been a prayer of mine off and on for 5 or 6 years and if the doors fly open…I am ready to step through. If it doesn’t work out I will be bummed…but at least it doesn’t leave me in a place where I don’t want to be.

Rob said something about going back to Greg. If things happen I’ll call him and see if he’ll even take me back. If not, there are other options. But, even before I did that, I think I would “go it alone” for a bit. If anything, I think I would need Greg more for readjusting to So Cal than anything else.

Then there is Dr. D. To be able to see him on a regular basis would be a total blessing. There is also, of course, Disneyland!

I'm Baaack!

2007-01-04T09:21:00.000-08:00

Where have I been? It’s been a busy month at the HP. Let me break it down:

HP: I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! I am so glad I decided to apply and am so glad I was hired! There were a ton of events in December and I worked every single one. Dancing with the Stars was better than I thought and I met some neat guests during the event. I started working the info booths which I also like. Granted, I am not inside, but it gives me a chance to interact more with guests.

Get Away: I not only house sat until the 21^st, but I also got to house sit from the 23^rd until the 30^th. That was a total answer to prayer. One night at home and I was ready to throw everything away to deal with it. UGH! How does she function? Seriously. I have no idea. I just made brownies with “special dark” cocoa. She comes out to look at them and calls them n***** brownies. I am so serious!

“Everything:” After I hit my respective two year marks I have to think about how long it has been time wise. As much as I obsessed getting to the 24 month marks, it’s kind of funny that I have to stop and count. Other than the few days I was at home pre-second house sitting gig, I haven’t had an urge to cut. Food just absolutely baffles me. I do eat. Both house sitting jobs I bought Chinese food and it lasted a good 4 days. I tried to eat at work most nights and learned we have really good chili and baked potatoes. Not from an emotional standpoint, but from a purely food aspect I really want to get rid of everything I put in my mouth and yet I am trying to get in my eating “episodes.” OK…today was the first day I made a true effort…but I did it.

I have missed Rob. I see him today and it will have been TWO weeks. I think I called him once just to kind of check in…but I’ve been OK. A couple of months ago he was really frustrated and I mean REALLY frustrated and he told me he couldn’t pray for me anymore. He also told me he didn’t care what saying the words, “take a break” made me feel (OK…probably not quite like that…but close to it). This was right after Amy died and the timing was really bad. I decided to email him about it after our last session and I am so hoping he forgot.

Ministry, Children’s: It’s going well. I am looking forward to VBS (and we are over 6 months away), camp and working with the Jr. High kids that have stepped up as leaders. I am starting a more formal training process with them this month. I used some of my supply budget (it was use it or lose it) to pay for my PDCM registration and I can’t wait for April…even if I am going to miss some of the NHL playoffs!

Ministry, Junior High: I am so at the end of my rope. I have for sure tied a knot and am holding on. I really don’t mind being “just” a volunteer again…I have really enjoyed it…to a point. The first thing (recently) that happened was I didn’t get invited to the youth Christmas Party. Not only that…but she didn’t ask why I wasn’t there. Then when I received her Xmas card it wasn’t personal at all…she just slipped her business card inside. Finally, I was planning to go to Winter Camp and told her I was planning to go. I wasn’t included. She didn’t realize my “I can go” email meant I can go. So, I told her that this won’t be the last event, that I think it is great parents stepped up (which is true…I think it is FANTASTIC) and I’ll stay behind. To make it up to me I get to be “game girl” on Sunday and take pictures of all the Jr. Highers since she hasn’t taken any up until now…just of high school. I really don’t know how much longer I can deal with this.

Family: Mom still hasn’t found a job. She hasn’t even looked. She complains about having no $$ and throws around selling the house (which would not sell at all the way it is now) and yet doesn’t do anything to even try and solve the problem. My grandmother pretty much needs a cane at all times now and my grandpa sees a cardiologist at the end of the month. I don’t see that as a good thing. It’s pretty scary. I need out but really don’t feel as if God is telling me to go.

Holidays: Pretty low on the drama meter. There was something small and I don’t remember what. Dinner out was a bust. I need to write them a letter. I got the SJ Sharks watch I wanted and a bunch of movie ticket gift certificates! Woo Hoo! NYE was uneventful. My grandfather cooked and it was awesome! We came home and just watched TV. I always have mixed feelings about NYE. NYE 1999 (the fake millennium…good ‘ol Y2K) was a night I would rather forget. But I have to remember that I was really sick then and that I am not quite that person anymore.

So, that’s where I have been and I will try and be better for now on!