Here I Am...the OC!

I left yesterday at 4:45 AM. I had to be sure I got here in time to see Dr. D. I did. He was surprised. It was good.

After I saw him I tried to check in, but it was too early so I went to grab lunch. I came back, got my room and hung out until a movie and dinner with a friend. That was really nice. I hadn't seen Steve in probably 4 or 5 years, so there was a lot to catch up on. I know...a movie doesn't help...but it's our "thing." We went over to the Fox Sports Grill and spent 3 1/2 hours catching up. That was really nice. It was like a Youth MInistry walk down Memory Lane! Wondering what some kids are doing that we worked with 10+ years ago, etc. I think we'll hang out again later this week.

Today I am heading to Disneyland. First, Downtown Disney to meet deltacogirl from YMX and then head into the park. Depending what time we get together, I may go early. I am dying to get on Space Mountain and I want to ride the new Monsters, Inc. ride. I also need my Tower of Terror fix!

I'll be back there tomorrow, but since I know I can't lift Gina out of her wheelchair for a lot of stuff...it'll be limited and I may go back later that night to play catch up. I just can't wait to spend time with her.

Monday I will head out there on my own and except for leaving to see Dr. D...I will be there open to close.

Have a great day!

Memories...

I am usually glad I have a pretty good memory. Sometimes it is downright scary. One time, years ago in a staff meeting, our Exec. Pastor couldn't remember something and I was able to tell him who said what, when and where we were each sitting at the time. I amazed the staff and J was glad he had someone who could remember stuff in such detail.

Sometimes it's downright annoying. There are times I plain don't like remembering so much...especially the hard stuff.

Then there are the very few times when memories come back out of nowhere and are usually not pleasant ones at all.

The latter happened last week. BOOM...seemingly out of the blue a memory from 7th grade came to me. One that I had not thought of in years and years and had pretty uch forgot it happened. It was a split second incident...but one that left me feeling very dirty and disgusting as the memory replayed itself over and over Thursday night and much of Friday. I wanted to cut and I came really close to purging...but I didn't. I sent an email to Rob instead and told him. Then I took my mom out to dinner for her birthday. She turned 60 yesterday...but we were with my grandparents and my grandfather cooked...so I decided I'd take her out since I didn't have the $$ to make a big deal out of her 60th. It is amazing how much calmer one feels after eating a meal with all the food groups (well...no fruit)represented.

I had told Rob that I really didn't want to talk about "the incident," when I emailed him...but I knew better. So, we talked and I he asked me what I felt. Honestly? I don't know. What goes through my mind is what is so wrong with me...so defective that someone thought they could touch me like that and it be ok? Especially by another kid. Then it dawned on me that this happened just a few month before I was molested by my uncle's best friend. I was 11 when I first started 7th grade...but just the first 6 weeks and I know it happened later. I am just trying to think if it happned before or after the rumor that I slept with the Choir Director to win a raffle. I think it was after. Stupid, innocent me had to have it all explained to me because I was oblivious to the rumor and then fairly oblivious to the meaning. Goodt Two Shoes Am I!

I finally got Rob to understand that when I tell him I am stupid that I mean it. I will say that and then he will say that I am not being truthful. I FINALLY was able to get the guts to tell him that him telling me it I wasn't being truthful was HIS opinion and that I MEAN it. That took us to a discussion of me being told over and over and OVER growing up that I was book smart but was stupid/dumb otherwise. That just because I was in college didn't mean I was smart...that I thought I was better then my family because I was in college, but that I didn't truly know anything. He gets it. It almost made me cry last Thursday when he told me that what was said to me was tragic and that no one deserves it.

Today, as I think I frustrated him again, he decided to try a different angle. I think he sees the lecturing me on "thinking about my thinking" is not working. So, he went with the gut wrencher...some of the reparenting stuff. I hate it. Okay...I sort of hate it. I kinda like it...it makes me feel less a loser.

He told me that if someone did what was done to me (and he has a daughter and son) and he found out, he would clear his schedule for the rest of the day, come down to the school and make sure it was taken care of. I told him he is the only one who knows...I have never told anyone else until I emailed him. Then he did the, "Oh, Deneice" that makes me want to burt into tears. The guy who did what he did was a bully and had been harassing me off and on anyway. When I finally went to the office over another incident with the guy (for the life of me I can't remember what it was), I got blamed by both the school and my mom for "provoling him." To hear Rob say what he did to me...it was hard to keep it together. How I wish I had had a parent like that. I know I'm not the only one.

He reiterated that he thought what my family said to me was "tragic" and told me he didn't think he was being overdramatic about it and continued to point out how wrong they are. There is a small part of me that want to belive it...probably the part that kept from slipping into behaviors...but it doesn't seem possible.

Speaking of behaviors...as of today I am 19 months purge free. When I leave for "the OC" Friday I will be 18 months self harm (cutting) free. I can't wait to share that with my chiropractor because he will be thrilled.

I can't wait to Friday. Not that I am necessaruily UNhappy here...but I get to go where I have been my happiest (and also my sickest...an interesting combo) and where I have no doubt at all...I am loved.

Update 1

I have a cake cooling for tonight’s small group and am letting some sugar eggs harden before I scoop them out and put them either in the oven or sit out overnight, Since I haven’t decided what I am going to with them yet, I will probably just let them sit overnight.

Last night’s SJ Giant’s game was a hoot. They won! But it took to the bottom of the 11^th to get there. It was so cold by the time the game and fireworks ended, but it was neat being at a baseball game opening day! The team got their rings (they were the CA League 2005 champs) and the new mascot arrived in style…in a helicopter! He is a big orange (we are the farm team for the SF Giants and the color was “SF Giant’s Orange”) ape and the first time the team has ever had a mascot. The pitcher had a “thing” for hitting the batters. It was funny in a sad way, someone asked (loudly) about it and someone yelled out from the crowd, “It’s just a new thing they do.” At the end the crowd was getting on the team to score and end it. There were shouts about wanting to go home and get some sleep because of work, about wanting out of the cold and wanting to get to the fireworks. The crowd thinned out as time went on. It WAS a school night after all!

“Every 15 Minutes” was presented at Leigh High School this week. It is a program that demonstrates the dangers of driving and/or getting into a car with someone who is under the influence. The first day, about 20 kids were pulled from class by the “grim reaper.” The kids knew a week in advance this was going to happen. The rest of the school had no clue. They had to leave everything and leave the room. A parent volunteer escorted the student to the command center to get made-up as a “dead” person. While that happened, the police officer and I walked in. He read the obituary and I was on the lookout for anyone who was distressed and maybe needed to talk. We left and then two parent volunteers came in to collect the books/backpacks and to put a rose, a picture and a black ribbon with the student’s name on it on that empty space.

After that happened, a crash scene was set up on the football field and it was run as a real 911 call. One kid was DOA, two were stuck in a car and the other was a drunk driver. It was pouring down rain and the students were sent home after this part of the program. What we didn’t see (until the next day) was what happened at the hospital, police station and the parent notifications. The parents were in on all of this, but it was heart wrenching to see the parents genuinely react to all of this…even knowing their child was still alive and safe.

The next day was a memorial service. We are talking flowers, special music, all the parents and a casket. The SJPD bagpipes were there as were members of the sponsoring agencies in uniform. The video showed events from the week before focusing on the kids who would be “killed” the next. It showed the grim reaper and the accident scene and the aftermath. We saw the driver being booked and put in a cell, we saw a mom having to come to the morgue and ID her child and two other families be told at the hospital their child didn’t make it. They also showed the parents going in and saying their goodbyes. I am not sure what was more jarring, seeing the kids in the bleachers in tears or the rescue/agency personnel.

That night, the kids went to a retreat center and their parents did a mini-retreat. The kids, their parents and some of their friends all had the chance to write letters. They were supposed to be in the “what I never had the chance to say” vein. They were read during the service. Finally, a local woman who lost half her family because of one drunk driver spoke. It was heartbreaking…more so because she had to speak twice and had never done that before. The accident was 9 years ago, but it as very fresh for her even now.

This is getting long, so I’ll write about the therapy stuff in another post.

So Much to Say...

Just a really quick check in...if anyone still reads this. Things have been really, really busy since last Thursday.

I want to share more of it with you, but it will probably have to wait a day or so.

My session with Rob went really well as did the one Monday. My appt. today is in 90 minutes. It's been amazing and yet draining. I hate to admit I felt good when Rob told me he was proud of me last week...but I was.

I participated as a volunteer for the Every 15 Minutes drunk driving program at a local high school and the lasdt two days have been emotionally draining...even i the whole thing is set up...it is still very rough to get through.

My grandpa and I are going to the home opener of out minor league SJ Giants tonight. Woo hoo!

I leave for "The OC" in 15 days!