I want to hate Rob. I want to hate him so I don't have to hate ME. I have spent 21 years of my life trying to be "perfect," trying to please everyone, trying to be peacemaker, Martha Stewart, etc. so no one would know the truth of what I really am...and then HE "makes" me tell the truth about me.
But, I can't blame him for what I am. I was the one who wanted to delve into the abuse stuff, the one who wanted to actually deal with it and not just take a cursory look and then say, "all better." I've been doing that off and on for 18 years once that truth came to light.
You know, one thing I remembered as I was emailing Rob last night telling him I wanted to hate him and that I wished I were dead was that my mother has never told me what happened wasn't my fault. Isn't that odd? Then again, I pay Rob...what else is he going to say except it isn't my fault? My mom's initial reaction after the truth came out was that I shouldn't tell anyone while she told all her friends. It came down to how this impacted HER life and not mine.
I sat there on my bed last night and counted out what I have on hand. I didn't come close to doing anything with that knowledge...but I found it strangely comforting.
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Now it's out there. I think I am more okay with all of this being on my blog rather than the fact that Rob now knows just about everything. He knows what a truly vile creature I am...that no matter how much I let the blood run or try to get rid of my insides or try to disappear...that I am still here...right now remembering all of it in vivid detail...down to what I was wearing...thank God I was wearing a romper! There is something to be said about wearing a one piece outfit! It protected me from what could have been...God giving me presence of mind to get away is never far from my mind either...but the way I feel...the way I look at that summer...I am not handling it well right now.
I look at the numbers on the counter and have no idea who reads this anymore. I have the URL to some friends and it's on my profile on the YS boards...but I truly have no clue and it makes it easier.
I emailed Rob this morning and told him I wanted to cancel Thursday, but I would never do that and I will be there. And, I know it is my own "cognitive distortions" that are trying to play mind reader and makes me want to never face him again because I have myself convinced (have for years) that if all this came out...what I did...how I brought that night on myself that everyone would now see what a hideous person I am and how I shouldn't be allowed to live.
Yesterday I sat on the couch, clutching Frederick (that dog is such a comfort to me), tears streaming down my face...apologizing over and over to Rob for not being able to talk. I have been somewhat proud of being able to look my therapist in the eyes as we talk and I share. I haven't been able to since this whole thing began. When we talk about sports, Jars of Clay and other stuff I can...but as soon as we dig in...I am too ashamed to look at him and am afraid of what I'll find there.
That sounds silly because I never hesitate to allow him to hug me...no matter what. I mean there have been sessions lately where I have almost not let him touch me...but in those few seconds...no matter what I think he may be thinking...I feel safe...and I can't give that up right now.
I look at the numbers on the counter and have no idea who reads this anymore. I have the URL to some friends and it's on my profile on the YS boards...but I truly have no clue and it makes it easier.
I emailed Rob this morning and told him I wanted to cancel Thursday, but I would never do that and I will be there. And, I know it is my own "cognitive distortions" that are trying to play mind reader and makes me want to never face him again because I have myself convinced (have for years) that if all this came out...what I did...how I brought that night on myself that everyone would now see what a hideous person I am and how I shouldn't be allowed to live.
Yesterday I sat on the couch, clutching Frederick (that dog is such a comfort to me), tears streaming down my face...apologizing over and over to Rob for not being able to talk. I have been somewhat proud of being able to look my therapist in the eyes as we talk and I share. I haven't been able to since this whole thing began. When we talk about sports, Jars of Clay and other stuff I can...but as soon as we dig in...I am too ashamed to look at him and am afraid of what I'll find there.
That sounds silly because I never hesitate to allow him to hug me...no matter what. I mean there have been sessions lately where I have almost not let him touch me...but in those few seconds...no matter what I think he may be thinking...I feel safe...and I can't give that up right now.
Monday, October 06, 2003
This post is going straight from here into an email to Rob, my therapist. We quit the me emailing him everything because I would email him stuff and then we would never talk about it. So, I quit emailing him "major" stuff and then it was decided I could email him stuff as long as we talk about it. I am trying NOT to do that...but then I end up zoning and becoming silent and that is getting me nowhere...so he said as long as we talk about this stuff then I could.
I know this gets read...but somehow it seems a little bit more impersonal than emailing him directly to HIM. I am just feeling very ashamed, very vulnerable and veru shaky about all this and I am trying to keep some distance to protect me.
The question of the day is: why is it my fault that the abuse happened? It's taken me a week to really get those words out to him...but I did it today. Rob said that he can't come up with any scenario that would make it my fault...no matter what I may have done. I pay him...Rob has to be on my side.
I guess I need to go back nine years before the molestation. I guess I can call it that as the creep is now a registered sex offender. My dad died when I was three. I have some honest to goodness memories of my dad. The ones I have are all really good ones which is neat. My dad and I in a raft at Donner Lake, at Santa Cruz, cleaning my hand off with my mom after I smashed it in the door, visiting him in the hospital before they sent him home to die...and a not so good one of the day he died.
From what I understand, my mom became pretty much a recluse and started to drag me down with her. Once she adjusted, tried to kill herself and I started school...she started dating. Okay, that was within a two year period...but I digress.
Without a doubt I can say I have missed having a dad. Forget that my mom says they wouldn't have stayed married (hell...they HAD to get married in the first place) and he would have turned me into a stereotypical Asian kid...I missed having that entity in my life. I have plenty of Uncles on my dad's side...but mom was never one for letting me spend a lot of time with them. I have my grandpa (my mom's step-dad Danny whom I absolutely adore), but growing up I only saw him a couple times a month and he's quiet. I think I felt the first time in elementary school when I wanted to do Indian Princesses. Someone in my class let me go with her and her dad...but it didn't last too long...too awkward. Then there were plays, skating, prom, etc. In college there was homecoming. I knew I wouldn't get on the court (although I guess I didn't miss by many votes), but if I did...I didn't have a dad to fly down to escort me at the Presentation of the court.
So, then there was my mom's assortment of boyfriend's over the years. Let's see...one I remember became Stalker Guy when my mom broke up with him. That was a fun one. Then there was this Hispanic guy whose real name I have clue because my mother couldn't pronounce it and came up with her own version. There was the Wilbert Harrison...he wrote "Kansas City" and originally recorded it...though it has been recorded several times since then. There was Jim..the cool guy from Michigan I liked because he actually realized I existed and would play games with me. He was married. That became interesting when I was old enough to put stuff together. Then there was the guy she almost left me to go to Germany with...had her passport ready and everything. Her comment on that is, "Well, I didn't go did I?"
Toward the end of 7th grade, Del was introduced into my life. An event I would love to be able to change. He was my Uncle Mike's best friend growing up in WA. He and his wife and child lived not too far from us and on a whim we stopped by one night. They reconnected, Renee (his daughter) and I got along great and my Uncle Mike was going to be visting in August.
That brings me to Frank. I loved him. He was a fantastic guy. My mother dated him twice. I mean, they went out more than that...but twice in my childhood. The first time I was in 2nd grade and who knows what happened? The second time was either right before or right after I finished 7th grade when all this happened. On a lark one night, mom decided we should see if he was home. He was. Mom and Frank must have stayed up talking until 2 AM. They dated regularly after that. Sometimes it was just the two of them and sometimes it was the three of us.
They began to talk about getting married and I was actually thrilled. here was someone who actually liked ME and wanted to include me in stuff. So, my grandmother and I go off on our annual trip to Disneyland and when I talked to my mom I told her about the toy car I got Frank from Disneyland. She then tells me she is no longer seeing him and is seeing someone else. That went over like a lead balloon.
So, I come home and am introduced to Jim. I don't like him, my grandparent's aren't fond of him either. However, my mom likes him, likes his friends and he gets along great with Del and his wife. Super. Jim becomes a pretty permanent fixture. For the first time she actually pretty much moves Jim into our house (ewwww.....) and we do "normal" stuff like eat dinner as a "family." I hated being left alone with him...but he never touched me...he pretty much ignored me.
Okay, so now I am getting to the why what happened was all my fault stuff. We spent a lot of time with Del's family that summer. Swimming at his house, BBQs, Going to Great America, etc. Del paid extra attention to me and frankly...I ate it up. Renee didn't mind sharing her dad with me and I'll say it...I LIKED the attention. Someone to help me dive a little better, who liked to watch me swim and try new stuff, who would let me curl up to him on he couch, etc. What I see now is that allowed him to think he could do what he did. No one ever told me what I was doing was wrong and so I let that stuff continue.
My family thought it was so cute because I was fatherless...no one told me someone at 12 should not be doing that stuff...not liking the attention though I will stop short of saying it was something I was purposely seeking it because I don't think so. But, I allowed it...and by allowing it I allowed the other stuff. I feel so ashamed, so disgusting so wrong, so damaged, so dirty and so unworthy of taking every next breath...
Even now, when I see the relationships most of the youth group has with their dads I feel a twinge (okay, more than a twinge) of sadness and jealousy. I see Tricia curl upon her dad's lap when he comes to pick her up, John not ashamed to give his dad a hug in front of everyone...they don't know why I tell them they are lucky...but I keep reminding them to hold on to those moments when they want to strangle their dads!
Part of me goes on these weird tangents that I totally deserved what happened because after all...not like I was created from LOVE...lust probably...but love? Word on the street was my dad was having an affair and that my parents used to have pretty violent fights (i.e. my mom would throw stuff at him...stuff that continued for years...except it became the walls of our house instead of my dad). That I was born so wrong and so damaged and what happened with Del confirmed it.
I try and look at it other ways...but I can't see it. I loved the attention, I volunteered to go outside with him that night and none of this would have happened if I hadn't done those things.
I know this gets read...but somehow it seems a little bit more impersonal than emailing him directly to HIM. I am just feeling very ashamed, very vulnerable and veru shaky about all this and I am trying to keep some distance to protect me.
The question of the day is: why is it my fault that the abuse happened? It's taken me a week to really get those words out to him...but I did it today. Rob said that he can't come up with any scenario that would make it my fault...no matter what I may have done. I pay him...Rob has to be on my side.
I guess I need to go back nine years before the molestation. I guess I can call it that as the creep is now a registered sex offender. My dad died when I was three. I have some honest to goodness memories of my dad. The ones I have are all really good ones which is neat. My dad and I in a raft at Donner Lake, at Santa Cruz, cleaning my hand off with my mom after I smashed it in the door, visiting him in the hospital before they sent him home to die...and a not so good one of the day he died.
From what I understand, my mom became pretty much a recluse and started to drag me down with her. Once she adjusted, tried to kill herself and I started school...she started dating. Okay, that was within a two year period...but I digress.
Without a doubt I can say I have missed having a dad. Forget that my mom says they wouldn't have stayed married (hell...they HAD to get married in the first place) and he would have turned me into a stereotypical Asian kid...I missed having that entity in my life. I have plenty of Uncles on my dad's side...but mom was never one for letting me spend a lot of time with them. I have my grandpa (my mom's step-dad Danny whom I absolutely adore), but growing up I only saw him a couple times a month and he's quiet. I think I felt the first time in elementary school when I wanted to do Indian Princesses. Someone in my class let me go with her and her dad...but it didn't last too long...too awkward. Then there were plays, skating, prom, etc. In college there was homecoming. I knew I wouldn't get on the court (although I guess I didn't miss by many votes), but if I did...I didn't have a dad to fly down to escort me at the Presentation of the court.
So, then there was my mom's assortment of boyfriend's over the years. Let's see...one I remember became Stalker Guy when my mom broke up with him. That was a fun one. Then there was this Hispanic guy whose real name I have clue because my mother couldn't pronounce it and came up with her own version. There was the Wilbert Harrison...he wrote "Kansas City" and originally recorded it...though it has been recorded several times since then. There was Jim..the cool guy from Michigan I liked because he actually realized I existed and would play games with me. He was married. That became interesting when I was old enough to put stuff together. Then there was the guy she almost left me to go to Germany with...had her passport ready and everything. Her comment on that is, "Well, I didn't go did I?"
Toward the end of 7th grade, Del was introduced into my life. An event I would love to be able to change. He was my Uncle Mike's best friend growing up in WA. He and his wife and child lived not too far from us and on a whim we stopped by one night. They reconnected, Renee (his daughter) and I got along great and my Uncle Mike was going to be visting in August.
That brings me to Frank. I loved him. He was a fantastic guy. My mother dated him twice. I mean, they went out more than that...but twice in my childhood. The first time I was in 2nd grade and who knows what happened? The second time was either right before or right after I finished 7th grade when all this happened. On a lark one night, mom decided we should see if he was home. He was. Mom and Frank must have stayed up talking until 2 AM. They dated regularly after that. Sometimes it was just the two of them and sometimes it was the three of us.
They began to talk about getting married and I was actually thrilled. here was someone who actually liked ME and wanted to include me in stuff. So, my grandmother and I go off on our annual trip to Disneyland and when I talked to my mom I told her about the toy car I got Frank from Disneyland. She then tells me she is no longer seeing him and is seeing someone else. That went over like a lead balloon.
So, I come home and am introduced to Jim. I don't like him, my grandparent's aren't fond of him either. However, my mom likes him, likes his friends and he gets along great with Del and his wife. Super. Jim becomes a pretty permanent fixture. For the first time she actually pretty much moves Jim into our house (ewwww.....) and we do "normal" stuff like eat dinner as a "family." I hated being left alone with him...but he never touched me...he pretty much ignored me.
Okay, so now I am getting to the why what happened was all my fault stuff. We spent a lot of time with Del's family that summer. Swimming at his house, BBQs, Going to Great America, etc. Del paid extra attention to me and frankly...I ate it up. Renee didn't mind sharing her dad with me and I'll say it...I LIKED the attention. Someone to help me dive a little better, who liked to watch me swim and try new stuff, who would let me curl up to him on he couch, etc. What I see now is that allowed him to think he could do what he did. No one ever told me what I was doing was wrong and so I let that stuff continue.
My family thought it was so cute because I was fatherless...no one told me someone at 12 should not be doing that stuff...not liking the attention though I will stop short of saying it was something I was purposely seeking it because I don't think so. But, I allowed it...and by allowing it I allowed the other stuff. I feel so ashamed, so disgusting so wrong, so damaged, so dirty and so unworthy of taking every next breath...
Even now, when I see the relationships most of the youth group has with their dads I feel a twinge (okay, more than a twinge) of sadness and jealousy. I see Tricia curl upon her dad's lap when he comes to pick her up, John not ashamed to give his dad a hug in front of everyone...they don't know why I tell them they are lucky...but I keep reminding them to hold on to those moments when they want to strangle their dads!
Part of me goes on these weird tangents that I totally deserved what happened because after all...not like I was created from LOVE...lust probably...but love? Word on the street was my dad was having an affair and that my parents used to have pretty violent fights (i.e. my mom would throw stuff at him...stuff that continued for years...except it became the walls of our house instead of my dad). That I was born so wrong and so damaged and what happened with Del confirmed it.
I try and look at it other ways...but I can't see it. I loved the attention, I volunteered to go outside with him that night and none of this would have happened if I hadn't done those things.
Sunday, October 05, 2003
So, yesterday was a walk down memory lane and as good of memory as I claim to have...there are things I found that I have NO recollection of whatsoever.
I was cleaning out the dresser in my room to make room for my stuff and anything that I could live without is now in the dumpster at my apartment complex. So, as I took out shawls that I had as a little kid (when is mom going to get it...I am NOT going to have kids...at this rate I am never getting married...I digress), my costume from the anniversary shows at "Aloha Roller Palace," the dress my grandpa brought e from Hawaii when I was maybe 3, a photo album full of awards, etc. I came across a thank you note.
My Senior year in high school I did a lot of "behind the scenes" work in our productions besides being on stage. This generally meant I student directed, worked on the programs with my boyfriend at the time and did whatever else John Healy wanted.
Being the budding journalist I was at the time...I HATED our school superintendant...through the years I am not the only one. Ramon Cortines is an idiot! Anyway, I guess we invited him to come and see "The Music Man," my final production at Lincoln High School. That was fun because I got to help cast the little kid parts and it was just a fun production in general. Anyway, I find this thank you letter to me from Cortines. John must have had me write a thank you letter to him for coming.
One of my former youth also tracked me down. I was so excited to get an email from her. She is one of the first kids I ever worked with. I started out working with her as part of the drama team and we became really close. Then she left the CC, eloped a few years later with some guy and we have lost track on and off. But, she found me and I am so excited to be back in contact with her.
I moved my books and my final two bookshelves yesterday, along with the food I won't need between now and when I move and took over some laundry. I feel like this is taking me forever...but it's really going rather well I think.
Tomorrow is going to be a hard session with Rob. After everything from Thursday and how I handled my end of things afterward...I NEED to stay present and I can't fade away...we'll never get anywhere if I keep that up...I am not sure how much of it is on purpose though. It just kind of happens. I need to fight against Godzilla and send "Bambo" out there!
I was cleaning out the dresser in my room to make room for my stuff and anything that I could live without is now in the dumpster at my apartment complex. So, as I took out shawls that I had as a little kid (when is mom going to get it...I am NOT going to have kids...at this rate I am never getting married...I digress), my costume from the anniversary shows at "Aloha Roller Palace," the dress my grandpa brought e from Hawaii when I was maybe 3, a photo album full of awards, etc. I came across a thank you note.
My Senior year in high school I did a lot of "behind the scenes" work in our productions besides being on stage. This generally meant I student directed, worked on the programs with my boyfriend at the time and did whatever else John Healy wanted.
Being the budding journalist I was at the time...I HATED our school superintendant...through the years I am not the only one. Ramon Cortines is an idiot! Anyway, I guess we invited him to come and see "The Music Man," my final production at Lincoln High School. That was fun because I got to help cast the little kid parts and it was just a fun production in general. Anyway, I find this thank you letter to me from Cortines. John must have had me write a thank you letter to him for coming.
One of my former youth also tracked me down. I was so excited to get an email from her. She is one of the first kids I ever worked with. I started out working with her as part of the drama team and we became really close. Then she left the CC, eloped a few years later with some guy and we have lost track on and off. But, she found me and I am so excited to be back in contact with her.
I moved my books and my final two bookshelves yesterday, along with the food I won't need between now and when I move and took over some laundry. I feel like this is taking me forever...but it's really going rather well I think.
Tomorrow is going to be a hard session with Rob. After everything from Thursday and how I handled my end of things afterward...I NEED to stay present and I can't fade away...we'll never get anywhere if I keep that up...I am not sure how much of it is on purpose though. It just kind of happens. I need to fight against Godzilla and send "Bambo" out there!
Friday, October 03, 2003
I guess I should think of something POSITIVE in all this. Only thing I can really think of is that the diet pills have not yet been opened...they are still in the bag, in their box in my kitchen. Part of me thinks that since they don't have ephedra in them they are okay. Obviously I am not convinced as I have not taken them yet.
I need to quit comparing my experience to others. But, I have felt for the last 21 years and continue to feel that I have no "right" to feel the way I do because I got away before anything else could happen. The scary part is that if I hadn't gotten away...all the adults were drunk enough that no one would have come looking for me and he could have gotten away with it for years...if "that" would have happened...I probably never would have told anyone ever. God was so with me...even though I didn't know Him yet...because I was able to get away and in the end...this drove me to Him.
I am trying to stay out of my apartment right now. I threw more stuff out and packed pantry stuff to take over to my mom's house tomorrow and brought my mini-fridge here to the office. I can keep fruit and bottled water in it. Stupid thoughts keep going through my head and so this the safest place to be.
I need to quit comparing my experience to others. But, I have felt for the last 21 years and continue to feel that I have no "right" to feel the way I do because I got away before anything else could happen. The scary part is that if I hadn't gotten away...all the adults were drunk enough that no one would have come looking for me and he could have gotten away with it for years...if "that" would have happened...I probably never would have told anyone ever. God was so with me...even though I didn't know Him yet...because I was able to get away and in the end...this drove me to Him.
I am trying to stay out of my apartment right now. I threw more stuff out and packed pantry stuff to take over to my mom's house tomorrow and brought my mini-fridge here to the office. I can keep fruit and bottled water in it. Stupid thoughts keep going through my head and so this the safest place to be.
It's Friday...again!
Last night I packed my dishes, more of my books and have them ready to along along with my other two bookshelves to take to my mom's tomorrow morning. Today I may go over to do some cleaning...but I will probably wait until tomorrow and just take over a ton of stuff...not that I have a TON...but the more that is there the less that is in my apartment making that easier to clean.
I feel so bad about my session yesterday...but it is like this war in my head when it comes to saying what I need to and what I want to. Part of me is like, "Tell him and you'll fall apart and have to leave the office and you won't be able to handle what you're feeling...you need to stay in control." The other part is, "Tell him...you can't work this through if you sit there looking like you want to cry and disassociate instead!"
Then he calls me "friend" which I hate because we aren't friends. We can't be because he is my therapist. I wish we were...in another context we probably would be...but we aren't and can't be and he knows that and I know he is just trying to show he cares...but someday he will no longer be a part of my life and I am looking toward that day with very mixed emotions.
Maybe I am not fit for ministry anymore. I look at what I have done to my legs in the last few days and wonder if I will ever be ready again. Rob is supportive and stuff...but maybe I should look at something else...but I can't "DO" anything else...even when I was doing other things I wasn't not doing YM. It's in my blood, my heart and my soul and part of stepping back into that door is having to deal with the muck and the mire of the past 33 years and counting.
I want to chicken out...I want to take the "easy" way out (for me) and I am almost there...it scares me..the ideas floating through my head...the things I don't dare tell Toni or Rob...I am just feeling so scared, and lost and useless right now...not to mention the feelings of being damaged and confused about the whole abuse stuff which just magnifies the rest.
I hang on the the promise God is not going to give me more than I can handle...it seems like it right now...and I am may not be coping in a great way...but I have survived everything so far...right?
Last night I packed my dishes, more of my books and have them ready to along along with my other two bookshelves to take to my mom's tomorrow morning. Today I may go over to do some cleaning...but I will probably wait until tomorrow and just take over a ton of stuff...not that I have a TON...but the more that is there the less that is in my apartment making that easier to clean.
I feel so bad about my session yesterday...but it is like this war in my head when it comes to saying what I need to and what I want to. Part of me is like, "Tell him and you'll fall apart and have to leave the office and you won't be able to handle what you're feeling...you need to stay in control." The other part is, "Tell him...you can't work this through if you sit there looking like you want to cry and disassociate instead!"
Then he calls me "friend" which I hate because we aren't friends. We can't be because he is my therapist. I wish we were...in another context we probably would be...but we aren't and can't be and he knows that and I know he is just trying to show he cares...but someday he will no longer be a part of my life and I am looking toward that day with very mixed emotions.
Maybe I am not fit for ministry anymore. I look at what I have done to my legs in the last few days and wonder if I will ever be ready again. Rob is supportive and stuff...but maybe I should look at something else...but I can't "DO" anything else...even when I was doing other things I wasn't not doing YM. It's in my blood, my heart and my soul and part of stepping back into that door is having to deal with the muck and the mire of the past 33 years and counting.
I want to chicken out...I want to take the "easy" way out (for me) and I am almost there...it scares me..the ideas floating through my head...the things I don't dare tell Toni or Rob...I am just feeling so scared, and lost and useless right now...not to mention the feelings of being damaged and confused about the whole abuse stuff which just magnifies the rest.
I hang on the the promise God is not going to give me more than I can handle...it seems like it right now...and I am may not be coping in a great way...but I have survived everything so far...right?
Thursday, October 02, 2003
I am such a complete loser. I spent the last 20 minutes of my session not being able to utter a single word. Then I went home and "punished" myself and then called Rob to apologize and let him know I was properly "disciplined."
It's so hard to get the words out...so hard to let myself cry...even though I know I need to do it.
Please God, give me the strength to listen to YOU and not my own arguing in my head. Thank you for giving me as therapist who does understand and does care...and won't leave.
It's so hard to get the words out...so hard to let myself cry...even though I know I need to do it.
Please God, give me the strength to listen to YOU and not my own arguing in my head. Thank you for giving me as therapist who does understand and does care...and won't leave.
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Augh...I blogged and then it went "poof."
Let's see...I wrote about how I am having trouble coming up with the last workshop for October and how it may be a Teaching Tent with one of the high school guys as David.
Then I started to write about the SI stuff. I am still keeping it to my legs (except for one small, rebellious cut on my hand) and last night tried to figure out the why because I HATE not having an answer for Rob. From what I gather...it's a punishment/form of "discipline" for me. Last night, for example, I made dinner and "got rid of it." Later, I popped some popcorn and to punish myself for it...I cut. I should have not had anything to eat since I chose to get rid of my dinner.
Or, as I look in the mirror and see the weight I have gained since I got home (not sure why and it's weight I don't need to gain) I cut because I hate my body and am so mad at myself for screwing up and not being sure how.
I think one thing, almost 11 months later, Rob is really and truly getting is that I may throw words around like "I am stupid/idiotic" and that it;s NOT the way we all say it...that it is a core belief from being told that growing up and have it be such a deep part of me that it's hard to rewire that part of my brain.
But, I am not giving up and I know that there will one day be an end to all of this...that I will believe what others see in me and that my life will not be ruled by what I eat, don't eat or what I purge. It's just going to take longer than my mon thinks and so while she thinks they wasted money sending me back to LIFE...it has made a difference and things will not always be like they are now.
Let's see...I wrote about how I am having trouble coming up with the last workshop for October and how it may be a Teaching Tent with one of the high school guys as David.
Then I started to write about the SI stuff. I am still keeping it to my legs (except for one small, rebellious cut on my hand) and last night tried to figure out the why because I HATE not having an answer for Rob. From what I gather...it's a punishment/form of "discipline" for me. Last night, for example, I made dinner and "got rid of it." Later, I popped some popcorn and to punish myself for it...I cut. I should have not had anything to eat since I chose to get rid of my dinner.
Or, as I look in the mirror and see the weight I have gained since I got home (not sure why and it's weight I don't need to gain) I cut because I hate my body and am so mad at myself for screwing up and not being sure how.
I think one thing, almost 11 months later, Rob is really and truly getting is that I may throw words around like "I am stupid/idiotic" and that it;s NOT the way we all say it...that it is a core belief from being told that growing up and have it be such a deep part of me that it's hard to rewire that part of my brain.
But, I am not giving up and I know that there will one day be an end to all of this...that I will believe what others see in me and that my life will not be ruled by what I eat, don't eat or what I purge. It's just going to take longer than my mon thinks and so while she thinks they wasted money sending me back to LIFE...it has made a difference and things will not always be like they are now.
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
The server is still down which is a royal pain...but maybe I will go and work at my mom's house after staff meeting to do what I need to do on the Internet.
I had a lot of nightmares last night...more just weird dreams and abuse flashbacks. I tell ya...when a 12 year old is not ready for a 40+ year old man to shove his tongue down your throat (ewwww.....) among other things...it's enough to still gross you out 21 years later. I feel like such damaged goods. I can hold hands, I can hug and cuddle...but then it starts getting scary...not that any of it has been an issue in a few years because it's not like I have been on date in ages...but still.
It makes me very thankful to have a therapist like Rob where I know I am safe in his embrace...same with my chiropractor in southern CA. But, at the end of our sessions, Rob's hugs make me feel very safe and I think continue to reassure me that he is not going anywhere. I think it is becoming less of an issue with me. We are close to hitting a milestone and I think once I hit a year with him in November many of the "he's gonna leave/he's gonna terminate me" fears will be permanently quelled. Three more weeks until the 11 month mark and just the next week I believe will put him as the longest I have had the same therapist. Sounds weird...but I am excited about it!
Kim and I went to see "The Fighting Temptations" last night. It was a really good movie. I'd see it again and I want the soundtrack. I may get it today since it is payday!
Packing is going pretty well. I am taking my stuffed animals to my mom's house today and two of my golding bookshelves and then Saturday I will take over another load of stuff and just try to get to the bare minimum of what I need at my place. I just want to get it over and done with!
I had a lot of nightmares last night...more just weird dreams and abuse flashbacks. I tell ya...when a 12 year old is not ready for a 40+ year old man to shove his tongue down your throat (ewwww.....) among other things...it's enough to still gross you out 21 years later. I feel like such damaged goods. I can hold hands, I can hug and cuddle...but then it starts getting scary...not that any of it has been an issue in a few years because it's not like I have been on date in ages...but still.
It makes me very thankful to have a therapist like Rob where I know I am safe in his embrace...same with my chiropractor in southern CA. But, at the end of our sessions, Rob's hugs make me feel very safe and I think continue to reassure me that he is not going anywhere. I think it is becoming less of an issue with me. We are close to hitting a milestone and I think once I hit a year with him in November many of the "he's gonna leave/he's gonna terminate me" fears will be permanently quelled. Three more weeks until the 11 month mark and just the next week I believe will put him as the longest I have had the same therapist. Sounds weird...but I am excited about it!
Kim and I went to see "The Fighting Temptations" last night. It was a really good movie. I'd see it again and I want the soundtrack. I may get it today since it is payday!
Packing is going pretty well. I am taking my stuffed animals to my mom's house today and two of my golding bookshelves and then Saturday I will take over another load of stuff and just try to get to the bare minimum of what I need at my place. I just want to get it over and done with!
Monday, September 29, 2003
My inner child is ten years old!
The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
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Today was a "break" from the abuse stuff...I was kind of glad. After Thursday, it wasn't something I was quite ready to re-visit. Rob wants me to talk more about my feelings about the whole thing. I thought I had been. I guess I need to point out to him that I have shared more feelings wise with him than with anyone...EVER.
Rob also had me take this test thing...I think I answered them the right way...the questions were wordrd funny. I only disassociate in session anyway. This oughta make for interesting conversation on Thursday.
He asked me what I think "losing control" would look like. I think it would turn me into an emotional pile of goo that in incoherent and I am also afraid of the "aftermath" when I leave the safe place of his office and "my" Frederick. Afraid of what the feelings will "do" to me because I don't know how to handle strong emotion in a healthy way.
I trust him so much that the feelings will come and becoming a pile of goo will as well...I just do not wnat to be pushed into it...not that Rob is doing that.
Anyway, I am going to clear a bookcase so I can take some stuff into the offive tomorrow and to my mom's. I want to get the guest room cleared out by the weekend.
Moving...how fun is that? Ick!
Rob also had me take this test thing...I think I answered them the right way...the questions were wordrd funny. I only disassociate in session anyway. This oughta make for interesting conversation on Thursday.
He asked me what I think "losing control" would look like. I think it would turn me into an emotional pile of goo that in incoherent and I am also afraid of the "aftermath" when I leave the safe place of his office and "my" Frederick. Afraid of what the feelings will "do" to me because I don't know how to handle strong emotion in a healthy way.
I trust him so much that the feelings will come and becoming a pile of goo will as well...I just do not wnat to be pushed into it...not that Rob is doing that.
Anyway, I am going to clear a bookcase so I can take some stuff into the offive tomorrow and to my mom's. I want to get the guest room cleared out by the weekend.
Moving...how fun is that? Ick!
Sunday, September 28, 2003
Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
What Monty Python Character are you?
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Here we are withg the death of yet another wonderful actor...Donald O' Connor. Sigh.... One of my favorite musical bits of all time is his "Make 'em Laugh" from "Singing in the Rain." I am so glad I have the DVD.
I cannot figure out why my weight has ballooned and I am getting ready to take matters into my own hands...but so far I haven't done anything else (i.e. dp) to do that...but I hate it and while the ED had nada to do with weight at the heart if it...I hate my metabolism and I KNOW in my HEAD that some of this is the PCOS (not my fault) and some is my food issues since time began (mostly my fault...except for as a kid and I had no cintrol over whagt my mom deemed "food" and didn't see the necessity of eating 3 meals a day). But, I still hate it!
There was no message on my VM when I got to the office so I guess she was cool with what I did to my room and stuff. Maybe it will prompt her to get all the other stuff out of there!
I cannot figure out why my weight has ballooned and I am getting ready to take matters into my own hands...but so far I haven't done anything else (i.e. dp) to do that...but I hate it and while the ED had nada to do with weight at the heart if it...I hate my metabolism and I KNOW in my HEAD that some of this is the PCOS (not my fault) and some is my food issues since time began (mostly my fault...except for as a kid and I had no cintrol over whagt my mom deemed "food" and didn't see the necessity of eating 3 meals a day). But, I still hate it!
There was no message on my VM when I got to the office so I guess she was cool with what I did to my room and stuff. Maybe it will prompt her to get all the other stuff out of there!
Saturday, September 27, 2003
I am at my/my mom's house doing laundry and moving some stuff over. I cleared out all my fall/winter clothes and thought I could do more...BUT...my mom has done diddly about the room and there is no room for my stuff. I have some things figured out though...and I do have a bit more room than I thought. I also pushed my bed against the one wall (so glad I have strong legs) which is the way I like it. The room has potential and who knows...maybe having a "new" room in the old house is a good thing. We'll see.
I got my cat out of bed! I usually come here and he hears me and comes trotting out and he didn't. So, I go looking for him and he is sacked out on my mom's bed. I go over to him he looks at me and meows. Silly boy. No he is happy as a clam outside while I do laundry. I think I can do this in three weeks if I really try. Heck...if mom can get Jose to move my "big stuff" soon I can sleep on my aerobed...I am cool with that!
I am trying to keep a positive attitude about this...and may buy stock in Fabreeze so my clothes won't smell like smoke all the time. Blech!
I got my cat out of bed! I usually come here and he hears me and comes trotting out and he didn't. So, I go looking for him and he is sacked out on my mom's bed. I go over to him he looks at me and meows. Silly boy. No he is happy as a clam outside while I do laundry. I think I can do this in three weeks if I really try. Heck...if mom can get Jose to move my "big stuff" soon I can sleep on my aerobed...I am cool with that!
I am trying to keep a positive attitude about this...and may buy stock in Fabreeze so my clothes won't smell like smoke all the time. Blech!
Friday, September 26, 2003
Pirates of the Caribbean!
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla
Argh...I had posted and I don' know what happened...but it's gone!
So, I will try and begin again.
Yesterdays session was incredibly hard, incredibly draining so I guess it went well! After talking about me having to move we literally picked up right where I left off on Monday...the "blow by blow" account of exactly what happened and all that "fun" stuff. I have never had trouble talking about it before...but I think it was hard this time because I am NOT numb and so it makes it more difficult.
I am going through the story and could see it like a movie projected on the window. I am still amazed how much detail I can recall. The weather, the conversation, what had happened prior to going outside, what I was wearing, etc. Sometimes I wish my memory was a little fuzzy.
He ALMOST had me in tears...I mean I was almost ready to cry about the whole thing, but I shut down instead. We talked about that and how I do that to keep in control...Rob pointed out that in doing that...it doesn't bring healing and if I end up a crying puddle (my words...not his) that is probably a GOOD thing. I was so close...he said something that caused this gut reaction in me that I don't even remember now...and maybe the tears will come...maybe I will allow them to come.
When I finally got home, I slept for like 2 1/2 hours...I was emotionally exhausted after that session.
This weekend I will beging to take some stuff to my mom's house and try to stack stuff neatly because she hasn't done much about getting her stuff out of there. But, if I can make a dent I will be happy.
So, I will try and begin again.
Yesterdays session was incredibly hard, incredibly draining so I guess it went well! After talking about me having to move we literally picked up right where I left off on Monday...the "blow by blow" account of exactly what happened and all that "fun" stuff. I have never had trouble talking about it before...but I think it was hard this time because I am NOT numb and so it makes it more difficult.
I am going through the story and could see it like a movie projected on the window. I am still amazed how much detail I can recall. The weather, the conversation, what had happened prior to going outside, what I was wearing, etc. Sometimes I wish my memory was a little fuzzy.
He ALMOST had me in tears...I mean I was almost ready to cry about the whole thing, but I shut down instead. We talked about that and how I do that to keep in control...Rob pointed out that in doing that...it doesn't bring healing and if I end up a crying puddle (my words...not his) that is probably a GOOD thing. I was so close...he said something that caused this gut reaction in me that I don't even remember now...and maybe the tears will come...maybe I will allow them to come.
When I finally got home, I slept for like 2 1/2 hours...I was emotionally exhausted after that session.
This weekend I will beging to take some stuff to my mom's house and try to stack stuff neatly because she hasn't done much about getting her stuff out of there. But, if I can make a dent I will be happy.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
Saturday, September 20, 2003
So, I emailed most of my last entry to Rob...he promised he would read it and that also meant we would have to TALK to about it on Monday. See...in the past, I would email him and we would NEVER talk about the content of the email. Hey...if he wasn't going to ask...neither was I! Okay, childish...but after 10 months (come Monday) it's still a "new" thing. I think I am getting nervous because he almost has the record and it's weird sticking with the same therapist this long. A GOOD thing...but weird nontheless.
He pretty much had a one sided "conversation" with me where I said I'd do all sorts of stuff. Cracks me up. As I told him when I relpied..."I can't believe they let you out to work with the public!" I wouldn't have it any other way.
Believe me...in my head I am thinking, "He has the email...he knows what's going on in my head...we don't NEED to talk about it." Monday is going to be so sports focused I am going to drive him nuts. Actually, he won't let me go on and on anymore...so I can only use that distraction for so long. I better take a Seroquel before our session or at least have it with me.
I got all my stuff for tomorrow's SS so all I have to do is room set up and run a new schedule. So, I think I'll get here about 7:30 AM. That should give me plenty of time. Tonight I'll work on Kidz Club stuff while I am watching TV that may or may not include Miss America. Why trigger myself? Actually, that usually isn't a problem and Clay Aiken is performing. They added a new "casual" category and I want to see if the clothes they have on is what they REALLY wear when they are being casual!
He pretty much had a one sided "conversation" with me where I said I'd do all sorts of stuff. Cracks me up. As I told him when I relpied..."I can't believe they let you out to work with the public!" I wouldn't have it any other way.
Believe me...in my head I am thinking, "He has the email...he knows what's going on in my head...we don't NEED to talk about it." Monday is going to be so sports focused I am going to drive him nuts. Actually, he won't let me go on and on anymore...so I can only use that distraction for so long. I better take a Seroquel before our session or at least have it with me.
I got all my stuff for tomorrow's SS so all I have to do is room set up and run a new schedule. So, I think I'll get here about 7:30 AM. That should give me plenty of time. Tonight I'll work on Kidz Club stuff while I am watching TV that may or may not include Miss America. Why trigger myself? Actually, that usually isn't a problem and Clay Aiken is performing. They added a new "casual" category and I want to see if the clothes they have on is what they REALLY wear when they are being casual!
Friday, September 19, 2003
I NEED SS teachers! Augh! There are times I wish we did "traditional" SS so i would have a team that was committed for a whole year. However, the trade-off to get creative with workshop rotation is usually worth the headaches it causes! I have two teachers lined up for sure and I can combine the grades and buy myself another week if I do that. It's my fault...I allow these stupid depressive episodes to bog me down for a week and I need that week. Just more of my stupidity...God continues to provide through the stupidity which simply amazes me.
So, yesterday was FUN...NOT! I am not sure what exactly prompted this whole really digging in with Rob except maybe the fear he really would terminate me. But, our sessions are different now (and well they should be) and while it is so not fun...I thank God for that man. As much as I want to find a FT ministry position...I need to stay put and work with him until the end. He allows me to be silent when I need to, I am getting better at telling him what is NOT helpful (I love to joke as much as the next person with him...but there are times it just doesn't help) and I am trying not to edit every single thing.
The thing that scares me is that I absolutely, 100% need to work on the whole sexual abuse issue...but I am scared to death. Just talking about it takes me back and I am 12 all over again and the body memories are there...which lately has caused the SI to escalate. But, I had a hard time talking to him about it yesterday. Not because he is a man...other than major intimacy fears...I don't have problems with guys that I know are safe...but more because I "should" be over it by now.
Heck...it was a one time thing and it wasn't "that bad." I mean, compared to what some of my friends have been through...I have NOTHING to be freaked, feel bad, etc. about. Everything was from the waist up and I got away before anything else could happen. I know people not that lucky...who endured way more than I did in those moments...yet I feel totally damaged, totally ugly (not beautiful...never beautiful as that is what HE called me over and over and over) inside and out and just want to rip my skin to shreds and become nothing like that 12 year old.
Just writing about it I can feel the disgust for myself, the anxiety of wanting to cut but being in a place where (thankfully) that is not an option I can even entertain. I can feel the fear I did that night like it just happened...the struggle to...well...I guess the details aren't important.
The stupidity that is me...that "should" have seen it coming that summer. It started that spring. Mom and I had gone to a different Mervyn's for whatever reason and she remembered that my Uncle Mike's best friend lived near there. So, we found the house and dropped by unannounced. I met Renee (his daughter who is a few years younger than me) and his wife (whose name I have totally blocked out) and Del. I can't tell you much about what he even looks like...taller than me (he still would be today)...mustache...that's about it.
So fromt hat time on...we spent time with his family. I went swimming over there, we went to the Elks Club and hung out (Renee and I)...at some point he must have begun playing father figure (better him than the idiot my mother was dating...after dumping the man she shouldn't have a few weeks before)...watching me dive, giving me some extra "dad" attention I have always craved...I don't remember all that much...just little things...playing Atari with us "that night," curling up with him on the couch...that must have been the moment he thought what would come next was okay.
How many times have I talked about this in therapy...every therapist I have seen since I was 15 years old. The therapist my mother took me to after this all came out three years after the fact I didn't like and my mom took my word for it that I dealt with it in one session. Marc and I began to talk about it and really talk about it...but then it became all about my mom. When it came time to press charges...my mom left the choice up to me. I was FIFTEEN and the thought of having to go into a court room and be in the same room with him...*shudder.*
Maybe in my mom's place I would have done the same thing...but I like to think I would protect my daughter and like it or not...press charges no matter how hysterical she got. The DA went ahead anyway ( we found out 8 years later...after my first Psych. hospitalization) and he did three days jail time and spent years on probation. His marriage also broke up which means his wife must have believed what happened. In any case...he plead to a lesser charge (since my mom didn't press charges) and that's why he did so little time.
So, I feel stupid for not seeing it coming (nevermind the fact I was 12), I feel stupid for allowing it to be such a big deal because in the scheme of things I got off easy, and I feel stupid because it does haunt me when I think about it. I don't even have to close my eyes to see it all over...I can see it clear as day (ummm...night as it was like 2 AM) just sitting here at the computer. Why I was even alone with him, the little things that I should have noticed, our conversation at the van as we were putting the games and stuff Renee brought over in the van...looking at the stars because it was a beautiful night...walking back into the garage....me pretending to still be asleep the next morning when they came to tell my Uncle and cousin goodbye or to pick up something they left...I don't remember...I just remember trying to be still when my mom came to my room so I wouldn't have to go out there and play "nice."
I wanted to die so bad after that. Heck...I took my mom's boyfriend's razor blades and tried...but at 12 had no clue how to make the cuts the right way and the ones I made weren't very deep...nothing was ever permanent and I got caught anyway. Jim, my mom's boyfriend, then proceeded to show me the proper way to get a blade out the thingie.
Through all the pain, through all this muck I can still see all God has provided in front of me. It was this whole thing that drove me into His arms in the first place. I am not sure it would have happened otherwise. Romans 8:28 is so true in my life...He took that "earth shattering" moment in time and used it to bring me to Him and gave me a passion to serve Him and in an awesome calling to serve His kids.
So, yesterday was FUN...NOT! I am not sure what exactly prompted this whole really digging in with Rob except maybe the fear he really would terminate me. But, our sessions are different now (and well they should be) and while it is so not fun...I thank God for that man. As much as I want to find a FT ministry position...I need to stay put and work with him until the end. He allows me to be silent when I need to, I am getting better at telling him what is NOT helpful (I love to joke as much as the next person with him...but there are times it just doesn't help) and I am trying not to edit every single thing.
The thing that scares me is that I absolutely, 100% need to work on the whole sexual abuse issue...but I am scared to death. Just talking about it takes me back and I am 12 all over again and the body memories are there...which lately has caused the SI to escalate. But, I had a hard time talking to him about it yesterday. Not because he is a man...other than major intimacy fears...I don't have problems with guys that I know are safe...but more because I "should" be over it by now.
Heck...it was a one time thing and it wasn't "that bad." I mean, compared to what some of my friends have been through...I have NOTHING to be freaked, feel bad, etc. about. Everything was from the waist up and I got away before anything else could happen. I know people not that lucky...who endured way more than I did in those moments...yet I feel totally damaged, totally ugly (not beautiful...never beautiful as that is what HE called me over and over and over) inside and out and just want to rip my skin to shreds and become nothing like that 12 year old.
Just writing about it I can feel the disgust for myself, the anxiety of wanting to cut but being in a place where (thankfully) that is not an option I can even entertain. I can feel the fear I did that night like it just happened...the struggle to...well...I guess the details aren't important.
The stupidity that is me...that "should" have seen it coming that summer. It started that spring. Mom and I had gone to a different Mervyn's for whatever reason and she remembered that my Uncle Mike's best friend lived near there. So, we found the house and dropped by unannounced. I met Renee (his daughter who is a few years younger than me) and his wife (whose name I have totally blocked out) and Del. I can't tell you much about what he even looks like...taller than me (he still would be today)...mustache...that's about it.
So fromt hat time on...we spent time with his family. I went swimming over there, we went to the Elks Club and hung out (Renee and I)...at some point he must have begun playing father figure (better him than the idiot my mother was dating...after dumping the man she shouldn't have a few weeks before)...watching me dive, giving me some extra "dad" attention I have always craved...I don't remember all that much...just little things...playing Atari with us "that night," curling up with him on the couch...that must have been the moment he thought what would come next was okay.
How many times have I talked about this in therapy...every therapist I have seen since I was 15 years old. The therapist my mother took me to after this all came out three years after the fact I didn't like and my mom took my word for it that I dealt with it in one session. Marc and I began to talk about it and really talk about it...but then it became all about my mom. When it came time to press charges...my mom left the choice up to me. I was FIFTEEN and the thought of having to go into a court room and be in the same room with him...*shudder.*
Maybe in my mom's place I would have done the same thing...but I like to think I would protect my daughter and like it or not...press charges no matter how hysterical she got. The DA went ahead anyway ( we found out 8 years later...after my first Psych. hospitalization) and he did three days jail time and spent years on probation. His marriage also broke up which means his wife must have believed what happened. In any case...he plead to a lesser charge (since my mom didn't press charges) and that's why he did so little time.
So, I feel stupid for not seeing it coming (nevermind the fact I was 12), I feel stupid for allowing it to be such a big deal because in the scheme of things I got off easy, and I feel stupid because it does haunt me when I think about it. I don't even have to close my eyes to see it all over...I can see it clear as day (ummm...night as it was like 2 AM) just sitting here at the computer. Why I was even alone with him, the little things that I should have noticed, our conversation at the van as we were putting the games and stuff Renee brought over in the van...looking at the stars because it was a beautiful night...walking back into the garage....me pretending to still be asleep the next morning when they came to tell my Uncle and cousin goodbye or to pick up something they left...I don't remember...I just remember trying to be still when my mom came to my room so I wouldn't have to go out there and play "nice."
I wanted to die so bad after that. Heck...I took my mom's boyfriend's razor blades and tried...but at 12 had no clue how to make the cuts the right way and the ones I made weren't very deep...nothing was ever permanent and I got caught anyway. Jim, my mom's boyfriend, then proceeded to show me the proper way to get a blade out the thingie.
Through all the pain, through all this muck I can still see all God has provided in front of me. It was this whole thing that drove me into His arms in the first place. I am not sure it would have happened otherwise. Romans 8:28 is so true in my life...He took that "earth shattering" moment in time and used it to bring me to Him and gave me a passion to serve Him and in an awesome calling to serve His kids.
Sunday, September 14, 2003
So, I am creating a new Kidz Club out of the air...we have never done this before and Steve said it could be "youth group for kids." I will have them for maybe a 1/2 hour and some of them an hour and fifteen minutes! Augh!
Tonight I am giving them a puzzle to solve for the beginning and a memory verse and I got a Kids Worship CD for music. The focus will be on the importance of God's Word so I may be playing some of this by ear! :)
This is a 12 hour day for me. I am going way over my 20 this week...if it weren't the last week of the pay period I would simply not come in part of next week...but that won't work. At least I will have a pretty decent paycheck at the end of this month! Berean is hiring and so I am going to apply and see what happens.
Everything else is not going so well...but that's a whole other story I really don't want to get into.
Tonight I am giving them a puzzle to solve for the beginning and a memory verse and I got a Kids Worship CD for music. The focus will be on the importance of God's Word so I may be playing some of this by ear! :)
This is a 12 hour day for me. I am going way over my 20 this week...if it weren't the last week of the pay period I would simply not come in part of next week...but that won't work. At least I will have a pretty decent paycheck at the end of this month! Berean is hiring and so I am going to apply and see what happens.
Everything else is not going so well...but that's a whole other story I really don't want to get into.
Thursday, September 11, 2003
September 11th is a huge topic today...understandably so. It is still hard to believe at times. Although there have been days I wished my grandfather's plane could have made it off the ground in Chicago so he could have gotten home...they probably would have had to touch down the plane someplace else since they had planes landing all over. The LEAST United could have done was told him that if he let them know he had been stuck on 9/11 he could get home faster. What a feeling of complete helplessness with him only 2 1/2 hours away and NOTHING I could do for him.
Last night I started trying to figure out if I have enough meds to do the job. I have no idea...possibly once I get my Ambien refilled. But, by that time, this episode will more than likely be fading and it won't matter anyway because I don't stockpile the stuff...if I need it I take it. I just feel like everything is crashing down around me and I just want out for good.
Toni, my dietitian, did the sweetest thing. She gave me two movie tickets for no reason...just because she knows I love movies! I thought that was so awesome...I still can't believe she would do that out of the blue for me.
Last night I started trying to figure out if I have enough meds to do the job. I have no idea...possibly once I get my Ambien refilled. But, by that time, this episode will more than likely be fading and it won't matter anyway because I don't stockpile the stuff...if I need it I take it. I just feel like everything is crashing down around me and I just want out for good.
Toni, my dietitian, did the sweetest thing. She gave me two movie tickets for no reason...just because she knows I love movies! I thought that was so awesome...I still can't believe she would do that out of the blue for me.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
The "Alice in Wonderland" attraction at Disneyland starts out with Alice talking about chasing the White Rabbit and falling "down, down, down" into Wonderland. Well, I can relate to the falling...at this point I would take Wonderland over wherever I am this time around. It seems like a bootmless pit at times this week.
I come home from work and sleep until like 6 and then can't get to sleep until about 1 or 2 AM and then the whole cycle starts over again. I KNOW I have the ability to break this cycle...but right now it seems like way too much effort. But, then I want to make mincemeat outta my leg for some "relief" from the depression and last night I really had to fight myself to stay away from my arms and cut deep. I am so NOT suicidal, but this is what a depressive episode does. Admittedly, I HAVE become suicial in the midst of an episode, but I am really trying to do things to keep the low from reaching that point.
Right now I am putting the door sign together and my meeting with Cindy went well yesterday...so I feel set for this week and ifI can get much of my stuff done today and tomorrow and Friday I won't have to come in Saturday. I am not holding my breath though! There is still a lot to do!
I come home from work and sleep until like 6 and then can't get to sleep until about 1 or 2 AM and then the whole cycle starts over again. I KNOW I have the ability to break this cycle...but right now it seems like way too much effort. But, then I want to make mincemeat outta my leg for some "relief" from the depression and last night I really had to fight myself to stay away from my arms and cut deep. I am so NOT suicidal, but this is what a depressive episode does. Admittedly, I HAVE become suicial in the midst of an episode, but I am really trying to do things to keep the low from reaching that point.
Right now I am putting the door sign together and my meeting with Cindy went well yesterday...so I feel set for this week and ifI can get much of my stuff done today and tomorrow and Friday I won't have to come in Saturday. I am not holding my breath though! There is still a lot to do!
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Getting up is such an effort it's not even funny. I don't get WHY I can't see the episodes coming until I am far enough into it that I can't avoid one. But, at least I recognize it enough now to know that I can't let the low get too low. I guess the one good thing about major depressive disorder is that the lows don't get as low as other forms of depression...at least from what I have seen they don't.
I am getting the banners printed out for the rooms and this is slow going as they are 12 pages each. Then I get to put them together! Tomorrow I'll have Steve show me how to take the old ones out for the new ones. This is for sure crunch week and then things will slow down a little. Cindy and I will meet today to talk about Children's Church and what we want to do there for the upcoming year. I WILL be ready for kick-off no matter how far down I end up. I have to. One of the best ways for me to combat aall of this is to keep busy and that's what the next couple weeks will provide.
Thank God I am a list maker! Being anal has its advantages at times! The Whel of Fortune Wheel Steve Ringer made for us is awesome! With Diane recovering from very successful cancer surgery and his business and the kids back in school I feel very blessed he still took the time to get this done for me when I needed it. He said it gave him and Chris some bonding time and Chris was excited about it as well. For everything going on...I do love this place!
I have to face Toni tomorrow and then Thursday is back with Rob. I really do thank God for them. No matter how badly I am falling, they will keep seeing me as long as I am at least trying to fight and I am trying. Rob and I really had a "good" session yesterday in that I did open up and say stuff that I haven't been able to before and that is so much progress for me believe it or not.
Anyway, it is back to salt mine for now! Print, print, print! :)
I am getting the banners printed out for the rooms and this is slow going as they are 12 pages each. Then I get to put them together! Tomorrow I'll have Steve show me how to take the old ones out for the new ones. This is for sure crunch week and then things will slow down a little. Cindy and I will meet today to talk about Children's Church and what we want to do there for the upcoming year. I WILL be ready for kick-off no matter how far down I end up. I have to. One of the best ways for me to combat aall of this is to keep busy and that's what the next couple weeks will provide.
Thank God I am a list maker! Being anal has its advantages at times! The Whel of Fortune Wheel Steve Ringer made for us is awesome! With Diane recovering from very successful cancer surgery and his business and the kids back in school I feel very blessed he still took the time to get this done for me when I needed it. He said it gave him and Chris some bonding time and Chris was excited about it as well. For everything going on...I do love this place!
I have to face Toni tomorrow and then Thursday is back with Rob. I really do thank God for them. No matter how badly I am falling, they will keep seeing me as long as I am at least trying to fight and I am trying. Rob and I really had a "good" session yesterday in that I did open up and say stuff that I haven't been able to before and that is so much progress for me believe it or not.
Anyway, it is back to salt mine for now! Print, print, print! :)
Getting up is such an effort it's not even funny. I don't get WHY I can't see the episodes coming until I am far enough into it that I can't avoid one. But, at least I recognize it enough now to know that I can't let the low get too low. I guess the one good thing about major depressive disorder is that the lows don't get as low as other forms of depression...at least from what I have seen they don't.
I am getting the banners printed out for the rooms and this is slow going as they are 12 pages each. Then I get to put them together! Tomorrow I'll have Steve show me how to take the old ones out for the new ones. This is for sure crunch week and then things will slow down a little. Cindy and I will meet today to talk about Children's Church and what we want to do there for the upcoming year. I WILL be ready for kick-off no matter how far down I end up. I have to. One of the best ways for me to combat aall of this is to keep busy and that's what the next couple weeks will provide.
Thank God I am a list maker! Being anal has its advantages at times! The Whel of Fortune Wheel Steve Ringer made for us is awesome! With Diane recovering from very successful cancer surgery and his business and the kids back in school I feel very blessed he still took the time to get this done for me when I needed it. He said it gave him and Chris some bonding time and Chris was excited about it as well. For everything going on...I do love this place!
I have to face Toni tomorrow and then Thursday is back with Rob. I really do thank God for them. No matter how badly I am falling, they will keep seeing me as long as I am at least trying to fight and I am trying. Rob and I really had a "good" session yesterday in that I did open up and say stuff that I haven't been able to before and that is so much progress for me believe it or not.
Anyway, it is baack to salt mine for now! Print, print, print! :)
I am getting the banners printed out for the rooms and this is slow going as they are 12 pages each. Then I get to put them together! Tomorrow I'll have Steve show me how to take the old ones out for the new ones. This is for sure crunch week and then things will slow down a little. Cindy and I will meet today to talk about Children's Church and what we want to do there for the upcoming year. I WILL be ready for kick-off no matter how far down I end up. I have to. One of the best ways for me to combat aall of this is to keep busy and that's what the next couple weeks will provide.
Thank God I am a list maker! Being anal has its advantages at times! The Whel of Fortune Wheel Steve Ringer made for us is awesome! With Diane recovering from very successful cancer surgery and his business and the kids back in school I feel very blessed he still took the time to get this done for me when I needed it. He said it gave him and Chris some bonding time and Chris was excited about it as well. For everything going on...I do love this place!
I have to face Toni tomorrow and then Thursday is back with Rob. I really do thank God for them. No matter how badly I am falling, they will keep seeing me as long as I am at least trying to fight and I am trying. Rob and I really had a "good" session yesterday in that I did open up and say stuff that I haven't been able to before and that is so much progress for me believe it or not.
Anyway, it is baack to salt mine for now! Print, print, print! :)
Monday, September 08, 2003
What a session...
We talked about the SI and how I need to be more careful because the cuts are getting a little deeper and I can't afford to have to get stitches...literally as I have no insurance. Then he asked me if I was suicidal. Okay...I skirted around that one. I mean no I'm not, but I am in the midst of a major depressive episode and so my plan is always there. Okay, I should have told him that...but then he cracked a joke and well...it broke the mood.
He makes changng the way I think about myself should be so easy to change and it's not. I mean I KNOW I am a beloved child of God and He loves me lots...but at my core...that is NOT how I see myself. Thank God no one can see my stomach...I am getting quite adept to cutting words into it. I hate my body.
We talked about the SI and how I need to be more careful because the cuts are getting a little deeper and I can't afford to have to get stitches...literally as I have no insurance. Then he asked me if I was suicidal. Okay...I skirted around that one. I mean no I'm not, but I am in the midst of a major depressive episode and so my plan is always there. Okay, I should have told him that...but then he cracked a joke and well...it broke the mood.
He makes changng the way I think about myself should be so easy to change and it's not. I mean I KNOW I am a beloved child of God and He loves me lots...but at my core...that is NOT how I see myself. Thank God no one can see my stomach...I am getting quite adept to cutting words into it. I hate my body.
Sunday, September 07, 2003
So, the church in Concord is interested in me. In fact, the youth got to see the resumes and I was chosen by THEM! I have their questions and one is if I would eat a dung beetle for a teen. There is a lot I would do...that would NOT be one of them! They asked that I put the interview on tape or DVD, but I emailed and asked if I could maake the drive up there...it's only like an hour away.
We'll see. I could commute for a few months and I would commute once a week to see Rob and Toni...maybe do a phone session with him and one in person. That is so putting the cart before the horse...but I need to think of all this.
This week is going to be crunch time...big time! I need to get so much done and so I have to focus...no matter how unfocused I feel right now. I have things that need to get done by next week. I so need to get an ink cartridge for my printer here today so I will have it for Tuesday. I need to get the new door poster done and the lesson plans for "David," and the new CM brochure, etc.
Please God...help me focus on YOU and on reaching these precious kids with YOUR love and YOUR grace.
We'll see. I could commute for a few months and I would commute once a week to see Rob and Toni...maybe do a phone session with him and one in person. That is so putting the cart before the horse...but I need to think of all this.
This week is going to be crunch time...big time! I need to get so much done and so I have to focus...no matter how unfocused I feel right now. I have things that need to get done by next week. I so need to get an ink cartridge for my printer here today so I will have it for Tuesday. I need to get the new door poster done and the lesson plans for "David," and the new CM brochure, etc.
Please God...help me focus on YOU and on reaching these precious kids with YOUR love and YOUR grace.
Friday, September 05, 2003
What is it they say? When you are at the end of your rope...tie a knot and hang on? The rope is about ready to quickly slip through my fingers and I am not sure if I have time to tie a knot. I get my apartment cleaned up and that is the only loose end I care about. Others can deal with the rest.
I can't do this...I can't believe my own mother won't help me...I can't believe I have no place left to turn.
I can't do this...I can't believe my own mother won't help me...I can't believe I have no place left to turn.
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
If this is recovery...you can take it because I can't. At least when I was deep into all the muck it forced me to concentrate so no one would know how things were really going.
Can you believe it? The ED helps me focus. Geez...even I know it sounds like a bunch of baloney...
I don't know how much more I can take. Got a bill for almost $2000.00 from RR as I never went to IL and there are some other financial things going on besides my inaability to keep it together. Although, I did eat three meals today and no purging...so that is positive. I also have someone to do music for me every other week in Children's Church.
But, is all that enough to keep me going?
I am really glad I can't afford the $50 for ambien...though my sleeping is effected.
AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you believe it? The ED helps me focus. Geez...even I know it sounds like a bunch of baloney...
I don't know how much more I can take. Got a bill for almost $2000.00 from RR as I never went to IL and there are some other financial things going on besides my inaability to keep it together. Although, I did eat three meals today and no purging...so that is positive. I also have someone to do music for me every other week in Children's Church.
But, is all that enough to keep me going?
I am really glad I can't afford the $50 for ambien...though my sleeping is effected.
AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well...SDI said no because I turned in the form so late...I had no idea Imonly had so many days so I am going to appeal. I am also going to call and see if I can just start it for this month (and re-file a claim) as I still am unable to work full time. God is good...but Deneice is scared.
Why is it when things like this happen the first thing that goes through my head is, "Do I have the meds to end it?" I don't consider that God has provided thus far, that He has not let me down...Noooooooooo...I try to figure out if my desire to just sleep is stronger than my desire to live for Him.
When I went thorugh the depressive episode at RLP I am not sure if they really believed I wanted to OD. What no one knows (until now) is that I WAS anticipating the extension that I didn't get. So, because I thought I'd have 15 extra days, I began to tongue my sleep meds. They NEVER noticed! Once I got turned down, I tossed them at the airport because it wouldn't have been enough and I really thought I was ready for all this.
Last night I really didn't feel "safe" at home (if you could see...well...let's just say the SI was pretty bad last night) and realized I had nowhere to go. Is that sad or what? So, I practiced my flipping deep breathing and prayed and turned on Court TV and fell asleep for about 3.5 hours. Got up and went to the gym at 5 AM this morning and did an OK workout.
I left my arms alone...but boy was it so very, very tempting...I did one cut in an out of the view of most people and that helped a little...besides the others. I dread showing Rob tomorrow, but I have got to be honest about it as well.
I am not sure how much more I can take!
Why is it when things like this happen the first thing that goes through my head is, "Do I have the meds to end it?" I don't consider that God has provided thus far, that He has not let me down...Noooooooooo...I try to figure out if my desire to just sleep is stronger than my desire to live for Him.
When I went thorugh the depressive episode at RLP I am not sure if they really believed I wanted to OD. What no one knows (until now) is that I WAS anticipating the extension that I didn't get. So, because I thought I'd have 15 extra days, I began to tongue my sleep meds. They NEVER noticed! Once I got turned down, I tossed them at the airport because it wouldn't have been enough and I really thought I was ready for all this.
Last night I really didn't feel "safe" at home (if you could see...well...let's just say the SI was pretty bad last night) and realized I had nowhere to go. Is that sad or what? So, I practiced my flipping deep breathing and prayed and turned on Court TV and fell asleep for about 3.5 hours. Got up and went to the gym at 5 AM this morning and did an OK workout.
I left my arms alone...but boy was it so very, very tempting...I did one cut in an out of the view of most people and that helped a little...besides the others. I dread showing Rob tomorrow, but I have got to be honest about it as well.
I am not sure how much more I can take!
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
How do I tell my mom that I feel like I am in complete relapse? Maybe I'm not...maybe I am just truly having a hard time...but since when does simply having a hard time mean I go to the gym and burn off 1200 calories and feel GOOD afterward?
I keep thinking about what my team told me. I showed I could fall flat on my face and pick myself up again. Ummm....yeah...that is because for 5.5 weeks out of my 8 week stay I was on a BEHAVIOR CONTRACT! They never let me see if I could do okay without the threat of discharge. I told Betsy that the contract would bring the perfectionist out in me. Maybe it's the stress of the job thing, not hearing from SDI yet, my mother (need I say more), etc.
I mean...I am making the choices I am making, but there is a ton of stuff behind all of it. Ugh...I am still sounding like I am trying to blame it on everyone but me and I don't mean to. It's like there is this lever inside me and it's been about 1/2 way between falling back and going forward and that it's harder and harder to push it forward. I got up at 3 AM Monday morning to see what had more carbs...peanut butter or cottage cheese. In the end I had an apple with PB for breakfast since I was heading to the gym and needed the extra calories and stuff for the work out. But do normal people DO that? I don't think so.
I keep thinking about what my team told me. I showed I could fall flat on my face and pick myself up again. Ummm....yeah...that is because for 5.5 weeks out of my 8 week stay I was on a BEHAVIOR CONTRACT! They never let me see if I could do okay without the threat of discharge. I told Betsy that the contract would bring the perfectionist out in me. Maybe it's the stress of the job thing, not hearing from SDI yet, my mother (need I say more), etc.
I mean...I am making the choices I am making, but there is a ton of stuff behind all of it. Ugh...I am still sounding like I am trying to blame it on everyone but me and I don't mean to. It's like there is this lever inside me and it's been about 1/2 way between falling back and going forward and that it's harder and harder to push it forward. I got up at 3 AM Monday morning to see what had more carbs...peanut butter or cottage cheese. In the end I had an apple with PB for breakfast since I was heading to the gym and needed the extra calories and stuff for the work out. But do normal people DO that? I don't think so.
Sunday, August 31, 2003
Well, I actually made it three days without cutting...until really early this morning. I so need to get a grip on that. The purging is bad enough...but the cutting is just...well...it's kinda sick that I can't wait until cooler weather so I have my arms availaable again. I shouldn't even be thinking that way! Someone remind me to tell Rob what is going through my head. Ugh...
I has emailed him on Friday letting him know of my freakiness that he was really going to terminate me no matter what he said and I got a short but VERY reassuring email back from him:
"Perhaps the reason I keep dear ole Frederick here is so you'll come back!! :)
Got your fax - I'm here and committed more than you realize!
See you Thurs and I hope you have some good days and follow your menu!!"
He looks at this for my best interest...but my best interest is to be with HIM and have that consistency. It just plays on my worst fears of being left and given up on by my treatment team and my fears of abandonment in general. Just knowing he is committed for the long haul puts my mind at ease.
But, I really DO need to get a grip on all this. Ih I hadn't have gained so much weight since I got home I'd be okay. I don't even know HOW I did...I thought I was being careful. But, I know if I just do what I need to...it will come off...but I want it to come off NOW because I have clothes I alreadt can't wear...it's so darn stupid.
God will not give me anything I can't handle. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle recovery...that "normalcy" is so "abnormal" that I can't handle it. But, I also know that God wants me healthy and wants to be able to use this someday. I have spent my entire adult life with ED and before that plain disordered eating...I think that is why I clong sometimes...I have no clue how to live without it...except in short spurts. But that is so not the life God wants for any of us.
I need to prep. for Children's Church and SS...
I has emailed him on Friday letting him know of my freakiness that he was really going to terminate me no matter what he said and I got a short but VERY reassuring email back from him:
"Perhaps the reason I keep dear ole Frederick here is so you'll come back!! :)
Got your fax - I'm here and committed more than you realize!
See you Thurs and I hope you have some good days and follow your menu!!"
He looks at this for my best interest...but my best interest is to be with HIM and have that consistency. It just plays on my worst fears of being left and given up on by my treatment team and my fears of abandonment in general. Just knowing he is committed for the long haul puts my mind at ease.
But, I really DO need to get a grip on all this. Ih I hadn't have gained so much weight since I got home I'd be okay. I don't even know HOW I did...I thought I was being careful. But, I know if I just do what I need to...it will come off...but I want it to come off NOW because I have clothes I alreadt can't wear...it's so darn stupid.
God will not give me anything I can't handle. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle recovery...that "normalcy" is so "abnormal" that I can't handle it. But, I also know that God wants me healthy and wants to be able to use this someday. I have spent my entire adult life with ED and before that plain disordered eating...I think that is why I clong sometimes...I have no clue how to live without it...except in short spurts. But that is so not the life God wants for any of us.
I need to prep. for Children's Church and SS...
Friday, August 29, 2003
So, Rob sees the cuts on my legs and we talk about my daily purging as of late. Then he drops the bomb on me. He asks me if, despite the connection and trust, I should maybe see someone else at the center. That maybe there is just something that he can't provide...and at the very least he wanted to consult with another therapist.
I looked at him and said no...I wanted to stay with him and that consulting with the other therapist is fine. Then he promised me that he was with me for the long haul. He asked me what I was hearing him say...I told him, "You want to get rid of me." Prior to that he did say that he isn't trying to do that or abandon me...he wants what is best for me. I heard it, but didn't...ya know? So, after I said that he says, "So, I do know you well don't I?" So as it stands he is going to talk to another therapist about me and he's not going anywhere. It's going to take me a bit to convince myself that he really means what he says and that he's not going to pawn me off on someone else. I won't do it. I am SICK of playing musical therapists and come November, I will have been with him for a whole year...a feat I haven't been able to accomplish ever.
He also talked about if this slide continues that I may need to go back to LIFE. That's will not happen no matter what because the money is simply NOT going to be there in any way, shape or form. I just need to dig myself out. I cannot believe how much I have lapsed this past month. I think what some of it comes down to is that I should have gone back to Rio and done it all over again instead of just going to LIFE.
So, I need to start trusting my meal plan and working on all this. I refuse to believe that I will not fully recover and that my time at LIFE was wasted! I know it wasn't. I am just really scared.
I looked at him and said no...I wanted to stay with him and that consulting with the other therapist is fine. Then he promised me that he was with me for the long haul. He asked me what I was hearing him say...I told him, "You want to get rid of me." Prior to that he did say that he isn't trying to do that or abandon me...he wants what is best for me. I heard it, but didn't...ya know? So, after I said that he says, "So, I do know you well don't I?" So as it stands he is going to talk to another therapist about me and he's not going anywhere. It's going to take me a bit to convince myself that he really means what he says and that he's not going to pawn me off on someone else. I won't do it. I am SICK of playing musical therapists and come November, I will have been with him for a whole year...a feat I haven't been able to accomplish ever.
He also talked about if this slide continues that I may need to go back to LIFE. That's will not happen no matter what because the money is simply NOT going to be there in any way, shape or form. I just need to dig myself out. I cannot believe how much I have lapsed this past month. I think what some of it comes down to is that I should have gone back to Rio and done it all over again instead of just going to LIFE.
So, I need to start trusting my meal plan and working on all this. I refuse to believe that I will not fully recover and that my time at LIFE was wasted! I know it wasn't. I am just really scared.
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
So, here I am almost two weeks later and a lot has changed. I still need $5,000, but other than that I am settling into "contnetment." I haven't heard back from the church in Saratoga, but I have things that need doing here and I cannot put it off any longer. Not to mention I have a whole NEW program I need to develop for Sunday nights starting in three weeks.
Yesterday, almost for the first time, I really and truly processed something really important with Rob. I think for the last month or so I have been, on a subconcious level, punishing myself for not being able to go on the Mission Trip, for the time I missed with the youth group, etc. Saturday afternoon I actually expressed the words in a post on the YS Boards. Dawn wated no time in telling me to not even go down that road. So yesterday, instead of doing any EMDR prep work we processed through those feelings. As Rob said...it takes Radical Acceptance of the situation.
Waiting would have made it all worse. I would have done the kids no good and I would have been a mess on the mission trip. I would have had to probably do Rio all over had a waited another FOUR months before leaving. That is the true reality of the situation. At the rate I was going those four months could have placed a whole lot of stuff in danger. It's a loss and I think it's been grieved and time to move on.
The hard part about THAT is the fact that I have lapsed so badly as far as behaviors are concerned that it is going to take some real determination and work to get me back on track. I am so "carbophobic" that I cannot stand to eat them in their "grain" form without purging. I do Boost in the morning with fruit, maybe or maybe not eat lunch and then purge dinner. Scary thing is I am not losing weight. Not that losing weight is a goal (although I would like to lose what I have gained since coming home) right now...but it proves the whole metabolism thing. I think I need to do my menu TONIGHT and take it with me tomorrow when I see Toni.
God has so totally blessed me with my team here. The more Rob and I do some really good work (which pre-LIFE I know I wasn't always doing) and the more Toni and I chip away at my food fears I know that with them and and my faith that there will be full recovery. It is just going to take longer than I want. But hey...I can't name a time when God's timing for me has been WRONG. I may not always like it...but it's always big picture and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Learning to live without ED is scary. It's "comfortable" for me. It's familiar...but ultimately it is destructive to not only me...but to those around me. I know in the long run I will not regret this journey. God is going to (and has) use it in ways I can't dream about now. But right now...the going through it...stinks!
Yesterday, almost for the first time, I really and truly processed something really important with Rob. I think for the last month or so I have been, on a subconcious level, punishing myself for not being able to go on the Mission Trip, for the time I missed with the youth group, etc. Saturday afternoon I actually expressed the words in a post on the YS Boards. Dawn wated no time in telling me to not even go down that road. So yesterday, instead of doing any EMDR prep work we processed through those feelings. As Rob said...it takes Radical Acceptance of the situation.
Waiting would have made it all worse. I would have done the kids no good and I would have been a mess on the mission trip. I would have had to probably do Rio all over had a waited another FOUR months before leaving. That is the true reality of the situation. At the rate I was going those four months could have placed a whole lot of stuff in danger. It's a loss and I think it's been grieved and time to move on.
The hard part about THAT is the fact that I have lapsed so badly as far as behaviors are concerned that it is going to take some real determination and work to get me back on track. I am so "carbophobic" that I cannot stand to eat them in their "grain" form without purging. I do Boost in the morning with fruit, maybe or maybe not eat lunch and then purge dinner. Scary thing is I am not losing weight. Not that losing weight is a goal (although I would like to lose what I have gained since coming home) right now...but it proves the whole metabolism thing. I think I need to do my menu TONIGHT and take it with me tomorrow when I see Toni.
God has so totally blessed me with my team here. The more Rob and I do some really good work (which pre-LIFE I know I wasn't always doing) and the more Toni and I chip away at my food fears I know that with them and and my faith that there will be full recovery. It is just going to take longer than I want. But hey...I can't name a time when God's timing for me has been WRONG. I may not always like it...but it's always big picture and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Learning to live without ED is scary. It's "comfortable" for me. It's familiar...but ultimately it is destructive to not only me...but to those around me. I know in the long run I will not regret this journey. God is going to (and has) use it in ways I can't dream about now. But right now...the going through it...stinks!
Sunday, August 10, 2003
Geesh...well the mission trip is over, the kids are back and I hate even hearing about the trip yet I torture myself be asking those who were at church today. They decided to come back a day early (drove from PHX to San Jose in one day) and so a couple of the kids and 2 of the 3 adults were at church. I've spent most of the day in tears just thinking about it.
The SI is back with a vengence.
Had my interview last Tuesday. I hope to hear this week.
Trying to figure out if recovery is worth it.
I need $5,000.
I need sleep.
I'm sick of being needy.
YS turned me down for the NYWC.
On a positive note the 49ers won yesterday and Mooch got a victory for the Lions! Woo hoo! Go Mooch!
The SI is back with a vengence.
Had my interview last Tuesday. I hope to hear this week.
Trying to figure out if recovery is worth it.
I need $5,000.
I need sleep.
I'm sick of being needy.
YS turned me down for the NYWC.
On a positive note the 49ers won yesterday and Mooch got a victory for the Lions! Woo hoo! Go Mooch!
Friday, August 01, 2003
So, last night I am leaving my apartment for a well deserved yet shouldn't have spent the money Iced Venti Non-Fat White Chocolate Mocha. As I shut my door, a limo pulls into our driveway. The guy who was driving owns a couple from what I understand and was probably coming back from the gas station. He stops, puts the window down and starts playing 20 questions with me. I was entirely weirded out and couldn't wait until he realized I wasn't interested and drove away.
I won't go into all the issues on WHY it weirded me out...but it did. I have such huge body image issues and this does not help. I did not feel flattered, I did not feel good that some random guy wanted to talk to me...I'm not sure what I felt...but ick.
I keep repeating one of my body affirmations that my therapist at Remuda "made" me (literally...I couldn't leave until I did this and that made her late to her 2:00 Emotion Regulation Group)...Curves are what make me a woman! Blech! ;)
And, the youth group left for the mission trip today... I am so glad I got here after they left. About 1:00 AM it hit me why I couldn't sleep...I should be on that trip heading to Magic Mountain right now.
I have an hour left here then I get to start my weekend...starting with a trip to the grocery store, lunch and then the gym...followed by a stop at Big Lots...I need a 12" fry pan...I miss having a big pan like that and I used it all the time at LIFE.
I am trying do what Toni suggested and set a place and eat at the table...even though I am alone. Did it at breafast and actually made myself a "hot" b'fast. I scrambled an egg to go with the rest of my meal.
Such an exciting life! :)
I won't go into all the issues on WHY it weirded me out...but it did. I have such huge body image issues and this does not help. I did not feel flattered, I did not feel good that some random guy wanted to talk to me...I'm not sure what I felt...but ick.
I keep repeating one of my body affirmations that my therapist at Remuda "made" me (literally...I couldn't leave until I did this and that made her late to her 2:00 Emotion Regulation Group)...Curves are what make me a woman! Blech! ;)
And, the youth group left for the mission trip today... I am so glad I got here after they left. About 1:00 AM it hit me why I couldn't sleep...I should be on that trip heading to Magic Mountain right now.
I have an hour left here then I get to start my weekend...starting with a trip to the grocery store, lunch and then the gym...followed by a stop at Big Lots...I need a 12" fry pan...I miss having a big pan like that and I used it all the time at LIFE.
I am trying do what Toni suggested and set a place and eat at the table...even though I am alone. Did it at breafast and actually made myself a "hot" b'fast. I scrambled an egg to go with the rest of my meal.
Such an exciting life! :)
Thursday, July 31, 2003
I had a good appointment with Toni yesterday. We talked about my slips and what's been going on, etc.
We set five goals for the week and one of them is flushing the three diet pills I found in my desk. I found them a few weeks ago and just haven't bothered to get rid of them. It's like they are some sort of "safety net." It's like as long as a still have diet pills, my scale, a smattering of behaviors here and there if I decide recovery sucks...I am prepapred to go back. Sick and twisted I know...but that's where I am right now. Of course, I know "just in case" can serve the wrong purpose so I am watching that.
Yesterday I decided "screw" the money issue and went to a movie. I was way early, so I went to Starbucks and had a tazoberry and sat and read for an hour. It felt so good becuase it was so normal! I like "normal." Then I get so afraid that "normal" won't last.
Toni is setting a limit on my exercise as I thought she might. I am on the same contract I was on at Remuda. Three days a week...ugh! I may sneak in a 4th every so often and I can walk as well...but three days seems so "little." But, we all know I have it in me to overexercise and she says I am pushing it with what she is saying I can do. So, we'll see. Eventually I can probaably increase the days and decrease the intensity.
I took all my sleep meds last night and I overslept and am still so sleepy. I am going to have to take a nap when I go home. If I thought I could leave now, I would in heartbeat.
The high school kids leave here at 6 AM tomorrow morning. Part of me wants to see them off...but I know that would be way too emotional for me and why purposely put myself into a situation where I know I will hurt? I am not that big of a glutton for punishment!
We set five goals for the week and one of them is flushing the three diet pills I found in my desk. I found them a few weeks ago and just haven't bothered to get rid of them. It's like they are some sort of "safety net." It's like as long as a still have diet pills, my scale, a smattering of behaviors here and there if I decide recovery sucks...I am prepapred to go back. Sick and twisted I know...but that's where I am right now. Of course, I know "just in case" can serve the wrong purpose so I am watching that.
Yesterday I decided "screw" the money issue and went to a movie. I was way early, so I went to Starbucks and had a tazoberry and sat and read for an hour. It felt so good becuase it was so normal! I like "normal." Then I get so afraid that "normal" won't last.
Toni is setting a limit on my exercise as I thought she might. I am on the same contract I was on at Remuda. Three days a week...ugh! I may sneak in a 4th every so often and I can walk as well...but three days seems so "little." But, we all know I have it in me to overexercise and she says I am pushing it with what she is saying I can do. So, we'll see. Eventually I can probaably increase the days and decrease the intensity.
I took all my sleep meds last night and I overslept and am still so sleepy. I am going to have to take a nap when I go home. If I thought I could leave now, I would in heartbeat.
The high school kids leave here at 6 AM tomorrow morning. Part of me wants to see them off...but I know that would be way too emotional for me and why purposely put myself into a situation where I know I will hurt? I am not that big of a glutton for punishment!
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
Wow...10 days since I last blogged. I really need to get better at this.
Not much has haappened though. I have slipped a few times and finally joined a gym! I am also trying to cook "fun stuff" for myself. I did it for my housemates, but it seems a waste to do it for just me. There is flawed logic in that as it's all part of self-nurturing...so I did a simple bakes salmon with lemon and fresh dill that was killer and it was neat to do that for me...I just need to keep it up. I printed a good 20 recipes off the Food Network site to help with that.
I have an interview with the church in Saratoga next week and I am excited about that. It would be great and sounds tailor made for me. I haven't sent them my resume yet! But, I am local so I can see why they would go ahead and set it up.
Rob is gone this week so I am dog sitting my fave stuffed dog in the world. I hate to give Frederick back though...he's a great extra pillow. I wish I could say I sleep better with him...but ever since I went back to my place, I haven't slept well except for maybe two nights. If I hadn't gone to LIFE I would probably be freaking that Rob is gone...but I am really okay with it and am doing good without him. Basically, that means other than the slips...nothing major has come up!
I am still stressed about my financial situation and I am wating for my SDI papers from Remuda which will help a bit...but I don't know how long I can be where I am rent free. I hate it... the not knowing the not even being able to go buy something just because, etc. Not that I waste $$...but to have to be so careful just so I can go to a movie with a friend next week. Not to mention I have no jeans that fit! But it is even having the $$ for basics like TP, shampoo, etc.
From what I hear through the grapevine...some parents are not happy with me no longer in Youth Ministry here and have called what's going on now a disaster. At least I know I have had some positive impact here. I am proud of what I have done here so if I end up leaving...my only regret is that...that I have to leave. But, being in the same Presbytery...I will be able to see the kids a few times a year.
Rob is always after what is going on inside me (as any good therapist would be) and I hate that much of the time I don't know. Right now I just feel as if I am floating through each day. He also makes it sound as if I can decide not to believe the core beliefs about myself and they will just go away. He also hasn't said much about my other diagnosis they came up with so he either doesn't buy into them or...I dunno.
I miss Aaron. I know we broke the caardinal rule by becoming friends since he is staff...and from what I understand he is really watching it now. He has that kind of personality I clicked with. Neither of us ever lost sight that he was staff, but there was a freindship there. And, while some RLP staff may not beelieve it...that was IT. He's married, he's 8 1/2 years younger than me AND shorter. There was just a lot of commonalities...sports, So Cal, etc.
Hopefully I will hear about being a volunteer at the PHX National Youth Worker's Convnetion this week. That will be sooooo awesome!
I see Toni today so I may have a lot to write about tomorrow!
Not much has haappened though. I have slipped a few times and finally joined a gym! I am also trying to cook "fun stuff" for myself. I did it for my housemates, but it seems a waste to do it for just me. There is flawed logic in that as it's all part of self-nurturing...so I did a simple bakes salmon with lemon and fresh dill that was killer and it was neat to do that for me...I just need to keep it up. I printed a good 20 recipes off the Food Network site to help with that.
I have an interview with the church in Saratoga next week and I am excited about that. It would be great and sounds tailor made for me. I haven't sent them my resume yet! But, I am local so I can see why they would go ahead and set it up.
Rob is gone this week so I am dog sitting my fave stuffed dog in the world. I hate to give Frederick back though...he's a great extra pillow. I wish I could say I sleep better with him...but ever since I went back to my place, I haven't slept well except for maybe two nights. If I hadn't gone to LIFE I would probably be freaking that Rob is gone...but I am really okay with it and am doing good without him. Basically, that means other than the slips...nothing major has come up!
I am still stressed about my financial situation and I am wating for my SDI papers from Remuda which will help a bit...but I don't know how long I can be where I am rent free. I hate it... the not knowing the not even being able to go buy something just because, etc. Not that I waste $$...but to have to be so careful just so I can go to a movie with a friend next week. Not to mention I have no jeans that fit! But it is even having the $$ for basics like TP, shampoo, etc.
From what I hear through the grapevine...some parents are not happy with me no longer in Youth Ministry here and have called what's going on now a disaster. At least I know I have had some positive impact here. I am proud of what I have done here so if I end up leaving...my only regret is that...that I have to leave. But, being in the same Presbytery...I will be able to see the kids a few times a year.
Rob is always after what is going on inside me (as any good therapist would be) and I hate that much of the time I don't know. Right now I just feel as if I am floating through each day. He also makes it sound as if I can decide not to believe the core beliefs about myself and they will just go away. He also hasn't said much about my other diagnosis they came up with so he either doesn't buy into them or...I dunno.
I miss Aaron. I know we broke the caardinal rule by becoming friends since he is staff...and from what I understand he is really watching it now. He has that kind of personality I clicked with. Neither of us ever lost sight that he was staff, but there was a freindship there. And, while some RLP staff may not beelieve it...that was IT. He's married, he's 8 1/2 years younger than me AND shorter. There was just a lot of commonalities...sports, So Cal, etc.
Hopefully I will hear about being a volunteer at the PHX National Youth Worker's Convnetion this week. That will be sooooo awesome!
I see Toni today so I may have a lot to write about tomorrow!
Sunday, July 20, 2003
I need out of here. I hate that I hate coming to work. It's not fair to the kids or their parents. I mean...I like the younger kids...but youth is my passion, it is where God has gifted me...it is where I feel I thrive and God will have to really do a lot of changing of my heart for me to feel otherwise. I have been back to work three weeks and it keeps getting worse!
If it weren't for the YS Forum, I would probably lose my mind.
Speaking of which, I was at my grandparent's house for a bit after church and my grandmother starts watching "Hunger Point." I REALLY wish she'd realize that when an ED movie comes on...she needs to change the channel. That one was on while I was at LIFE and it was like a car wreck. I couldn't change the channel and I "had" to watch. Keeley took the remote from my hand and asked me if I wanted her to turn the TV off. Anyway, tomorrow "For the Love of Nancy" is on and I am glad I won't be home and that I don't have any blank VHS tapes. I gave them all up to Rob before I left for AZ. I also gave him all my diet books, ED books, carb counters, etc. Pretty much the only thing I miss is that movie and "Wasted," but I am better off without them.
Some of the Sr. Highers leave for the backpacking trip tomorrow and then they leave for Ft. Apache, AZ on August 1st. I am a prayer partner for one of my guys and need to get his letters written this week. John is a HUGE D'backs fan so if I can find him something I want to get it for him. I bought all western themed stationary to write my notes with. He gives me a huge hug every Sunday which is awesome. I think Drew, his Jr. High bro would as well, but he's too shy. That kid really sprouted up while I was gone.
If God wants me here then I pray He closes the doors to the PT position because I don't want to jump into that job because I miss YM...I want to do it because that is the place God wants me to be. I would NOT be the "point man" which would be good for me, great for my recovery and yet I would be doing what I do best. It's in His hands, though.
Okay, it is hot in my office...I came by to pick up my lap top so I will have it tomorrow in case the Assoc. Pastor answers my email! I am outta here 'til Tuesday!
If it weren't for the YS Forum, I would probably lose my mind.
Speaking of which, I was at my grandparent's house for a bit after church and my grandmother starts watching "Hunger Point." I REALLY wish she'd realize that when an ED movie comes on...she needs to change the channel. That one was on while I was at LIFE and it was like a car wreck. I couldn't change the channel and I "had" to watch. Keeley took the remote from my hand and asked me if I wanted her to turn the TV off. Anyway, tomorrow "For the Love of Nancy" is on and I am glad I won't be home and that I don't have any blank VHS tapes. I gave them all up to Rob before I left for AZ. I also gave him all my diet books, ED books, carb counters, etc. Pretty much the only thing I miss is that movie and "Wasted," but I am better off without them.
Some of the Sr. Highers leave for the backpacking trip tomorrow and then they leave for Ft. Apache, AZ on August 1st. I am a prayer partner for one of my guys and need to get his letters written this week. John is a HUGE D'backs fan so if I can find him something I want to get it for him. I bought all western themed stationary to write my notes with. He gives me a huge hug every Sunday which is awesome. I think Drew, his Jr. High bro would as well, but he's too shy. That kid really sprouted up while I was gone.
If God wants me here then I pray He closes the doors to the PT position because I don't want to jump into that job because I miss YM...I want to do it because that is the place God wants me to be. I would NOT be the "point man" which would be good for me, great for my recovery and yet I would be doing what I do best. It's in His hands, though.
Okay, it is hot in my office...I came by to pick up my lap top so I will have it tomorrow in case the Assoc. Pastor answers my email! I am outta here 'til Tuesday!
Friday, July 18, 2003
Wow...hard to believe that I have been home from Remuda LIFE almost a month. Then again...it was hard to believe I ever believed that I was going to be able to do the program in 30 days! As Betsy (my therapist at LIFE) kept reminding me...it’s okay that I had to be extended given where I was when I got there. And, as I knock myself for being on meal support 28 days...she also reminded me that those coming from Rio and Vista spent 45+ on meal support.
It was very different this time and probably better in a lot of ways. I fell...flat on my face over and over and over and over and hey...I lived! Of course, I was tempted to remedy that situation...but that got me a weekend on eyesight! Basically, I was so not perfect and for whatever reason staff remembered me for three years ago...if I ever see them this side of heaven...I am sure they will remember me for absolutely completely different reasons this time around!
Being a direct admit stunk big time and while I am glad I didn’t have to go to Rio...it sure would have been easier to get to know people. I also learned just how much was hurt by Paula when I moved to Indiana and how I allowed it to effect making friendships this time around. However, I made really good friends with two women that I am in contact with often. Keeley and I had so much in common it was hysterical and Allison is from both here and So Cal so I will be seeing her on a regular basis. I preferred staff over residents because I knew that relationship was finite...and I couldn’t get hurt. Okay, this is going to people I was at Rio with three years ago and we are still in contact...but think having the Rio connection has helped that. Allison was also a direct admit so we had an immediate bond.
I did things I never thought I would do. I was on meal support at b’fast in the MHT office and STILL managed to throw parts of my breakfast away. I would check in my snack before group and then toss it. Luckily, I am a lousy liar and feel guilt very easily and so I quickly confessed all that stuff and wrote on my snack check sheet not to let me take it to group. I over exercised as long as I could get away with it (and being really open about it, too), I cut corners on my own meals from time to time (ie instead of TWO Tbl of dressing I would use one, a little less cheese, etc.) I purged, I restricted, I had a lot of Boost...things that three years ago I never would have done...heck...I got off meal support back then in like three days! I even left having had FOUR french fries and not exploding!
I wrote not so good things about myself and my body on my mirror which I showed an MHT in a weak moment. Hey...I was on my sleep meds...I told Aaron a lot of things that night...some that I still don’t remember. Poor guy...I think I completely freaked him out! But, he followed me back to the house and erased my mirror and put new stuff on it. Betsy actually made me keep it on there the last three weeks at was at LIFE.
Coming home I think I am learning what everyone else was telling me at LIFE...I DO have internal motivation to beat this. There was so much external motivation for me to do what I needed to (eat...not over exercise...going to groups and participating...not a problem) that I didn’t realize that I was becoming internally motivated. I guess my treatment team put it best when it was relayed to me that they saw I could fall flat on my face and restrict or refuse carbs and do supplement...but be able to pick back up before any other external motivators were put in place. Not that I don’t have my moments and seem to do this two weeks on...two weeks somewhat off my meal plan...but there has been very few days when I have simply wanted to give up and say forget it...I have had it...
I think the one area since coming home is the whole job thing. Steve told me this week he hopes my passion for youth will in time transfer to the younger kids. I think everyone is going to be cheated if we wait for that “someday.” I go to work every day and except for Sundays when I am in Biblemanicas (our Sunday School) with the kids...I hate it. Sundays until I take the kids upstairs...I hate it. I hate seeing my kids and not being with them, I hate that I am not going backpacking on Monday and back to AZ for the Mission Trip on August 1st. I hate that I am not at pool and praise, that I am not there on Sunday nights to play Gargoyles or Body Snatchers.
Yeah, naturally being bumped to part time has a bunch of other ramifications in my life...but God has totally provided for that right now (not sure about my apartment yet) and I even have health insurance for the rest of this month which is allowing me to get my scripts filled one more time and that means I can get my seroquel. I’d wean off of it now...but I really need to for anxiety.
Anyway, lo and behold a PT position has opened at a church in Saratoga. Oddly enough...they specifically WANT a female. I talked to Rob (my therapist) about it today and he thinks I should look into it. It’s within the Presbytery as well...so I may call tomorrow. It’s encouraging because Rob thinks I can make the switch and that it won’t be a bad thing. Today he told me he knows how passionate I am about youth and then shared with me things he remembers me sharing with him over the past few months. But, I am not rushing into this either...
I spent 60 days talking about how much my identity is wrapped up in youth ministry...maybe this is God’s way of telling me it’s time to find out...or that transferring to a PT position will give me a chance to still do what I love...but not allow myself to become some wrapped up in what I am...instead of who I am. In any event, I am going to take my time with this one and do a lot of praying.
It was very different this time and probably better in a lot of ways. I fell...flat on my face over and over and over and over and hey...I lived! Of course, I was tempted to remedy that situation...but that got me a weekend on eyesight! Basically, I was so not perfect and for whatever reason staff remembered me for three years ago...if I ever see them this side of heaven...I am sure they will remember me for absolutely completely different reasons this time around!
Being a direct admit stunk big time and while I am glad I didn’t have to go to Rio...it sure would have been easier to get to know people. I also learned just how much was hurt by Paula when I moved to Indiana and how I allowed it to effect making friendships this time around. However, I made really good friends with two women that I am in contact with often. Keeley and I had so much in common it was hysterical and Allison is from both here and So Cal so I will be seeing her on a regular basis. I preferred staff over residents because I knew that relationship was finite...and I couldn’t get hurt. Okay, this is going to people I was at Rio with three years ago and we are still in contact...but think having the Rio connection has helped that. Allison was also a direct admit so we had an immediate bond.
I did things I never thought I would do. I was on meal support at b’fast in the MHT office and STILL managed to throw parts of my breakfast away. I would check in my snack before group and then toss it. Luckily, I am a lousy liar and feel guilt very easily and so I quickly confessed all that stuff and wrote on my snack check sheet not to let me take it to group. I over exercised as long as I could get away with it (and being really open about it, too), I cut corners on my own meals from time to time (ie instead of TWO Tbl of dressing I would use one, a little less cheese, etc.) I purged, I restricted, I had a lot of Boost...things that three years ago I never would have done...heck...I got off meal support back then in like three days! I even left having had FOUR french fries and not exploding!
I wrote not so good things about myself and my body on my mirror which I showed an MHT in a weak moment. Hey...I was on my sleep meds...I told Aaron a lot of things that night...some that I still don’t remember. Poor guy...I think I completely freaked him out! But, he followed me back to the house and erased my mirror and put new stuff on it. Betsy actually made me keep it on there the last three weeks at was at LIFE.
Coming home I think I am learning what everyone else was telling me at LIFE...I DO have internal motivation to beat this. There was so much external motivation for me to do what I needed to (eat...not over exercise...going to groups and participating...not a problem) that I didn’t realize that I was becoming internally motivated. I guess my treatment team put it best when it was relayed to me that they saw I could fall flat on my face and restrict or refuse carbs and do supplement...but be able to pick back up before any other external motivators were put in place. Not that I don’t have my moments and seem to do this two weeks on...two weeks somewhat off my meal plan...but there has been very few days when I have simply wanted to give up and say forget it...I have had it...
I think the one area since coming home is the whole job thing. Steve told me this week he hopes my passion for youth will in time transfer to the younger kids. I think everyone is going to be cheated if we wait for that “someday.” I go to work every day and except for Sundays when I am in Biblemanicas (our Sunday School) with the kids...I hate it. Sundays until I take the kids upstairs...I hate it. I hate seeing my kids and not being with them, I hate that I am not going backpacking on Monday and back to AZ for the Mission Trip on August 1st. I hate that I am not at pool and praise, that I am not there on Sunday nights to play Gargoyles or Body Snatchers.
Yeah, naturally being bumped to part time has a bunch of other ramifications in my life...but God has totally provided for that right now (not sure about my apartment yet) and I even have health insurance for the rest of this month which is allowing me to get my scripts filled one more time and that means I can get my seroquel. I’d wean off of it now...but I really need to for anxiety.
Anyway, lo and behold a PT position has opened at a church in Saratoga. Oddly enough...they specifically WANT a female. I talked to Rob (my therapist) about it today and he thinks I should look into it. It’s within the Presbytery as well...so I may call tomorrow. It’s encouraging because Rob thinks I can make the switch and that it won’t be a bad thing. Today he told me he knows how passionate I am about youth and then shared with me things he remembers me sharing with him over the past few months. But, I am not rushing into this either...
I spent 60 days talking about how much my identity is wrapped up in youth ministry...maybe this is God’s way of telling me it’s time to find out...or that transferring to a PT position will give me a chance to still do what I love...but not allow myself to become some wrapped up in what I am...instead of who I am. In any event, I am going to take my time with this one and do a lot of praying.
Thursday, July 17, 2003
I wish I knew what the heck is going on. Last night I actually took my "normal" sleep meds which took was longer to work than normal...but they did work and that's the important thing. So, I actually feel pretty well rested.
However, my anxiety level is going through the roof and that I can't explain. Maybe it's going to see Rob today, maybe it's seeing Dr. Oba...but I am really close to having a panic attack and I am trying to stay grounded at not let myself fall into it. It started on the drive over here. Of course I left my Seroquel at home....geesh...
I was looking at the YS job bank and Saratoga Pres is looking for a PT youth worker and they specifically want a female. Wouldn't that be awesome? I just know it is way too soon and that there is no way I could do that right now. Maybe, if they still need someone in a month or two...
Augh...I don't want to have to go home and get the meds...but...okay, I cannot depend on Seroquel forever...I used to get along great without it. Then again, I was numb...can't quite have a paanic attack if you are numb!
Maybe I'll be back later
However, my anxiety level is going through the roof and that I can't explain. Maybe it's going to see Rob today, maybe it's seeing Dr. Oba...but I am really close to having a panic attack and I am trying to stay grounded at not let myself fall into it. It started on the drive over here. Of course I left my Seroquel at home....geesh...
I was looking at the YS job bank and Saratoga Pres is looking for a PT youth worker and they specifically want a female. Wouldn't that be awesome? I just know it is way too soon and that there is no way I could do that right now. Maybe, if they still need someone in a month or two...
Augh...I don't want to have to go home and get the meds...but...okay, I cannot depend on Seroquel forever...I used to get along great without it. Then again, I was numb...can't quite have a paanic attack if you are numb!
Maybe I'll be back later
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
Major, major anxiety today and I am not sure why. I know there are a million stressors and it is hard to be here and have nada to do with the youth, but I have to freaking get over it so I can do what I need to do for Children's Ministry. And, of course, I forgot to bring my seroquel with me.
It could be because I ate my meal plan this morning and I feel overly full. It is amazing how much you can lose ground just restricting a few meals. The overwhelming fullness, etc. But, I am doing what I supposed to do. I can hear Amber saying that if you get off track you can get back on by eating your next scheduled meal or snack.
I am really curious what God has in store for me next...it keeps rolling through my head what a male youth worker said to me once...I should just marry a YP and make my life easier. I wanted to slap him! Not that it wouldn't make things a little easier...but then there is trying to meet...what am I saying...that is the LAST thing I need right now. Or the best thing for mee right now...but I am so not going to go there.
Although, I am old fashioned enough that I would love the chance to only have to work PT (and have it not kill me like it is now $$$ wise) and be able to stay home and raise kids & partner with whomever in his ministry. Okay, then there is the fact I am 33 and because of the PCOS may not be able to have kids...but that's a whole other issue. Heck, this whole idea is a whole other issue because unless God drops someone in my lap...it's all fantasy.
I think I will pop over to my grandparent's place after work so I can get my camera and upload my photos and get more clothes. Maybe...I have plenty of stuff at home...but not "Remuda Clothes" the ones that I wore there...helps me feel a little comforted right now. The whole "self-soothe" thing. I may wait until tomorrow when I am actually in that area after seeing Rob.
Okay, I'd better scoot...at least get one thing done today.
It could be because I ate my meal plan this morning and I feel overly full. It is amazing how much you can lose ground just restricting a few meals. The overwhelming fullness, etc. But, I am doing what I supposed to do. I can hear Amber saying that if you get off track you can get back on by eating your next scheduled meal or snack.
I am really curious what God has in store for me next...it keeps rolling through my head what a male youth worker said to me once...I should just marry a YP and make my life easier. I wanted to slap him! Not that it wouldn't make things a little easier...but then there is trying to meet...what am I saying...that is the LAST thing I need right now. Or the best thing for mee right now...but I am so not going to go there.
Although, I am old fashioned enough that I would love the chance to only have to work PT (and have it not kill me like it is now $$$ wise) and be able to stay home and raise kids & partner with whomever in his ministry. Okay, then there is the fact I am 33 and because of the PCOS may not be able to have kids...but that's a whole other issue. Heck, this whole idea is a whole other issue because unless God drops someone in my lap...it's all fantasy.
I think I will pop over to my grandparent's place after work so I can get my camera and upload my photos and get more clothes. Maybe...I have plenty of stuff at home...but not "Remuda Clothes" the ones that I wore there...helps me feel a little comforted right now. The whole "self-soothe" thing. I may wait until tomorrow when I am actually in that area after seeing Rob.
Okay, I'd better scoot...at least get one thing done today.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Wow...I am not so good at keeping this up am I? Too busy hewlping out with a post on the YS board!
Hmmm...well I am back at my place...it's quiet and a little lonely...but I am reading...a lot. Fun books for the most part...but it's goof distraction. I also need to get the hours of the public pool a few blocks from my house. My inactivity is killing me. I also need to get the tires on my bike blown up for some evening rides. As soon as I get paid I am joining a clun though because nothing is better than the eliptical machine.
I have had three meals in a row that have been incomplete...but Tini isn't concerned yet. She is going to let Rob know as well so he can be sure to press me on it as she leaves for vacation on Thursday. He asks me all the time now anyway. I have my menu for dinner so I plan to get back on track. I am also going to see Rob again this week....even though I really can't afford to. Too much emotional pain, grieving of losses going on to NOT see him. I can't totally identify what I am feeling or how I felt yesterday after our session...but it hurts. How did I put it to him on the phone? "I really want to go home and cut because I'd rather feel the physical pain than whatever I am feeling right now because it isn't good." I also faxed him my challenges to the emotional myths I believe so we can tackle those as well. Not sure how much he buys into this whole DBT stuff. Hey...it's keeping safe and relatively on plan...so it must have some merit!
Then there is my job. Our Office Manager is retiring and though she is still a member of our church, I will miss seeing her each day. I am back at work a little too soon, but I found some pleasure in my job today. I just need to be able to keep it up. I came up with aneat idea and our Pastor was excited. He said he knows youth is my passion and he hopes that will transfer to Children's Ministry. Me too.
My Mentor and his family leave to move back to SoCal on Thursday. Well...Ron has been up and down the coast since April...but the rest of the family will be making the move on Thursday. We always stay in contact...but it's still a loss I wish hadn't happened quite yet...I haven't been home that long. Gives me a great excuse to get to SoCal in the fall at any rate...or at least before Christmas.
Anyway, that's about it. I am working on this recovery thing and as Toni pointed out...with the overwhelming stress of a diminished job, maybe losing my apartment, my financial situation, etc. I am dealing with it pretty well. This would have buried me three months ago.
Hmmm...well I am back at my place...it's quiet and a little lonely...but I am reading...a lot. Fun books for the most part...but it's goof distraction. I also need to get the hours of the public pool a few blocks from my house. My inactivity is killing me. I also need to get the tires on my bike blown up for some evening rides. As soon as I get paid I am joining a clun though because nothing is better than the eliptical machine.
I have had three meals in a row that have been incomplete...but Tini isn't concerned yet. She is going to let Rob know as well so he can be sure to press me on it as she leaves for vacation on Thursday. He asks me all the time now anyway. I have my menu for dinner so I plan to get back on track. I am also going to see Rob again this week....even though I really can't afford to. Too much emotional pain, grieving of losses going on to NOT see him. I can't totally identify what I am feeling or how I felt yesterday after our session...but it hurts. How did I put it to him on the phone? "I really want to go home and cut because I'd rather feel the physical pain than whatever I am feeling right now because it isn't good." I also faxed him my challenges to the emotional myths I believe so we can tackle those as well. Not sure how much he buys into this whole DBT stuff. Hey...it's keeping safe and relatively on plan...so it must have some merit!
Then there is my job. Our Office Manager is retiring and though she is still a member of our church, I will miss seeing her each day. I am back at work a little too soon, but I found some pleasure in my job today. I just need to be able to keep it up. I came up with aneat idea and our Pastor was excited. He said he knows youth is my passion and he hopes that will transfer to Children's Ministry. Me too.
My Mentor and his family leave to move back to SoCal on Thursday. Well...Ron has been up and down the coast since April...but the rest of the family will be making the move on Thursday. We always stay in contact...but it's still a loss I wish hadn't happened quite yet...I haven't been home that long. Gives me a great excuse to get to SoCal in the fall at any rate...or at least before Christmas.
Anyway, that's about it. I am working on this recovery thing and as Toni pointed out...with the overwhelming stress of a diminished job, maybe losing my apartment, my financial situation, etc. I am dealing with it pretty well. This would have buried me three months ago.
Friday, July 11, 2003
Today I am going to introduce y'all to the world of BCAs. That stands for Behavior Chain Analysis. It where an "event" happened and traces it to what lead to the behavior and what I could have done to stop it before it happened. It was a four page thingie at LIFE...but really helpful as I had to fill out quite a few of them!
Problem Behavior: Did not eat breakfast
Describe the problem behavior:
I am sick of eating. This is the most consistent I have been with my meal plan about five weeks fairly solid. My last two weeks at LIFE and now my almost three weeks here at home. Prior to that, I think I had 3 good weeks at LIFE before the depressive episode hit and I went off plan again.
I have been pretty anxious all week. I am using my skills and doing what I can to tolerate all of it...but I am worried about money, my living situation, etc. I know in my head it will all work out...but as look at expenses and the fact I don't get paid for almost three weeks...I keep freaking out!
So, as usual, I take everything out on my body. But, above and beyond the external stressors...I plain wasn't hungry when I got up and I overslept. I debated eating and decided that I didn't have time and that I can always grab a Boost later. Okay, I am not hungry most of the time I have to eat...but I feel "gross" and "fat" and that not eating is the way to solve it.
Anyway, so I stood in the kitchen debating and just said, "forget it."
Prompting Event: My current situation
Vulnerability: Tired, anxious, sad
Links: Thoughts-- I am fat and gross, I don't need to eat
Feelings-- stressed, sadness
Actions-- Not eating breakfast
Solution Analysis
Links to be broken/Skill to break the chain
I am fat and gross/Catch it, challenge it, change it
I don't need to eat/Radical Acceptance
Stressed/Self-Soothe;MASTER
Sadness/Opposite to emotion
Not eating b'fast/Radical Accpetance;Willingness
Consequences: Feeling guilty, continuing to feel tired because of lack of nutrition.
Amends or repairs? Need to be honest with Rob/Toni about it
What will I do differently next time? Eat anyway and stick to my meal plan and haave my cards out if need be.
That, in a nutshell, is a BCA. I didn't do page three because I can't do that with a Blog. It's a page with circles on it (chains) and I fill it in with the information I wrote down on page 2.
Looks like I will go to my place later tonight so mom and I can ahve dinner together. Hmmm...can we say she isn't sure how well I will do on my own either? That's fine...she's bringing home fish for dinner so that's cool.
Okay...need to try and get work done now!
Problem Behavior: Did not eat breakfast
Describe the problem behavior:
I am sick of eating. This is the most consistent I have been with my meal plan about five weeks fairly solid. My last two weeks at LIFE and now my almost three weeks here at home. Prior to that, I think I had 3 good weeks at LIFE before the depressive episode hit and I went off plan again.
I have been pretty anxious all week. I am using my skills and doing what I can to tolerate all of it...but I am worried about money, my living situation, etc. I know in my head it will all work out...but as look at expenses and the fact I don't get paid for almost three weeks...I keep freaking out!
So, as usual, I take everything out on my body. But, above and beyond the external stressors...I plain wasn't hungry when I got up and I overslept. I debated eating and decided that I didn't have time and that I can always grab a Boost later. Okay, I am not hungry most of the time I have to eat...but I feel "gross" and "fat" and that not eating is the way to solve it.
Anyway, so I stood in the kitchen debating and just said, "forget it."
Prompting Event: My current situation
Vulnerability: Tired, anxious, sad
Links: Thoughts-- I am fat and gross, I don't need to eat
Feelings-- stressed, sadness
Actions-- Not eating breakfast
Solution Analysis
Links to be broken/Skill to break the chain
I am fat and gross/Catch it, challenge it, change it
I don't need to eat/Radical Acceptance
Stressed/Self-Soothe;MASTER
Sadness/Opposite to emotion
Not eating b'fast/Radical Accpetance;Willingness
Consequences: Feeling guilty, continuing to feel tired because of lack of nutrition.
Amends or repairs? Need to be honest with Rob/Toni about it
What will I do differently next time? Eat anyway and stick to my meal plan and haave my cards out if need be.
That, in a nutshell, is a BCA. I didn't do page three because I can't do that with a Blog. It's a page with circles on it (chains) and I fill it in with the information I wrote down on page 2.
Looks like I will go to my place later tonight so mom and I can ahve dinner together. Hmmm...can we say she isn't sure how well I will do on my own either? That's fine...she's bringing home fish for dinner so that's cool.
Okay...need to try and get work done now!
Thursday, July 10, 2003
Today is probably the first day any of the "old" me is popping up since coming back to work. Probably because I called Keeley this morning. Keeley was one of my housemates at LIFE and she is from MN. We have a ton in common and the necklace she made me is the only jewelry I never take off. Talking to her made me feel better about everything and my ability to do this.
I also volunteered for the PHX NYWC. That would be awesome! Number one...it's PHX and #2...it's YS. I think it could be a lot of fun and hard work...but I hope I can do it.
I cut a small corner today and didn't eat my apple. I know it's lame...why leave an apple out...but after eating a 2 grain serving of oatmeal...ugh. I am trying to add variety in my food choices so I really need to sit down and due a "real" menu instead of what I know I am supposed to have and match it with the mish-mash of stuff at home. Plus, sooner or later, the comments will probably come from my mom about the amount I am eating...which is NORMAL...but a lot compared to what she usually eats.
Last night I didn't think was going to go without me cutting...but I didn't do it. I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack...but I kept "practicing presence" and "radical acceptance" and while the anxiety was still there and I didn't sleep well...I made it through. Besides, my mothedr would have no clue what to do with me if I ever had a panic attack. I haven't had one in a month though so that's a good sign. I think it may have been because of the Provigil since that raised my anxiety level through the roof when I first started it.
I think once I can get myself into more of a routine that I will be a lot better off. Right now I just kinda float through the day. Not seeing Rob today is not my idea of a good day...but when I had to use Coinstar to count the change in my car to buy some groceries for the next few days...sacrifices have to be made. I feel like a 33 year old LOSER.
I know that if I jump the gun into another job be it full time ministry or just a "regular" job...it is disaster waiting to happen for my recovery so I am trying to look at this time as a gift. I really hope I can get partial disability...that will take some of the financial stress from me.
God has never let me down (oh my gosh...I hear Chapel music from LIFE in my head..."Jesus Never Fails") and I know He is incredibly faithful...now if He could drop about $5,000 in my lap I could pay rent for a few months, get ALL my meds instead of just the ones I have to have...gotta love those PRNs, get my car work done and get to see Rob 2x a week and Toni for 45 minutes instead of 30 minutes.
My mother keeps asking me what we talk about or what Rob and I talk about. Like I am going to tell her? She doesn't get that with Toni it is more than just me eating. I did this string thing for a Body Image session with my therapist and I was THREE FEET off on the size of my stomach and two feet on my hips. MY mom wouldn't get that...a lot of people don't get that because some people have a bigger body distortion problem than others.
Well, anyway, that's about it from this peanut gallery. There is a Memorial Service here in a bit...so I came in early so I could leave before it starts.
I also volunteered for the PHX NYWC. That would be awesome! Number one...it's PHX and #2...it's YS. I think it could be a lot of fun and hard work...but I hope I can do it.
I cut a small corner today and didn't eat my apple. I know it's lame...why leave an apple out...but after eating a 2 grain serving of oatmeal...ugh. I am trying to add variety in my food choices so I really need to sit down and due a "real" menu instead of what I know I am supposed to have and match it with the mish-mash of stuff at home. Plus, sooner or later, the comments will probably come from my mom about the amount I am eating...which is NORMAL...but a lot compared to what she usually eats.
Last night I didn't think was going to go without me cutting...but I didn't do it. I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack...but I kept "practicing presence" and "radical acceptance" and while the anxiety was still there and I didn't sleep well...I made it through. Besides, my mothedr would have no clue what to do with me if I ever had a panic attack. I haven't had one in a month though so that's a good sign. I think it may have been because of the Provigil since that raised my anxiety level through the roof when I first started it.
I think once I can get myself into more of a routine that I will be a lot better off. Right now I just kinda float through the day. Not seeing Rob today is not my idea of a good day...but when I had to use Coinstar to count the change in my car to buy some groceries for the next few days...sacrifices have to be made. I feel like a 33 year old LOSER.
I know that if I jump the gun into another job be it full time ministry or just a "regular" job...it is disaster waiting to happen for my recovery so I am trying to look at this time as a gift. I really hope I can get partial disability...that will take some of the financial stress from me.
God has never let me down (oh my gosh...I hear Chapel music from LIFE in my head..."Jesus Never Fails") and I know He is incredibly faithful...now if He could drop about $5,000 in my lap I could pay rent for a few months, get ALL my meds instead of just the ones I have to have...gotta love those PRNs, get my car work done and get to see Rob 2x a week and Toni for 45 minutes instead of 30 minutes.
My mother keeps asking me what we talk about or what Rob and I talk about. Like I am going to tell her? She doesn't get that with Toni it is more than just me eating. I did this string thing for a Body Image session with my therapist and I was THREE FEET off on the size of my stomach and two feet on my hips. MY mom wouldn't get that...a lot of people don't get that because some people have a bigger body distortion problem than others.
Well, anyway, that's about it from this peanut gallery. There is a Memorial Service here in a bit...so I came in early so I could leave before it starts.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
I don't know what I am even doing here. I feel like I have nothing to do because for the most part...I really don't. For August I am going to just use another rotation from the web site and I need to check on what Cindy may need from me fo Children's Church for this week...
The thing is...I know I was debating even coming back to youth ministry when I came home and decided that I was in no position to decide that quite yet. But, the minute I saw the kids, the minute Ben came up and hugged me like he didn't want to let go and when John without hesitation came up and hugged me...I knew I was "home." Drew pretending he wasn't ecstatic to see me (being the too cool 7th grader he will be int he fall) when you could see the light in his eyes...Jessica, Rachel and Brianne being so happy I was back...
I can be a "good" Children's Minister but not great. In my good moments I know I am a really good youth worker...if I had doubts...seeing the kids after only being here a few months and then being gone for two tells me I am onto "something." I like the younger kids and I know I can do the job...but there is zippo passion behind it and that's not fair to any of us.
My mother and I fought again about money last night. I told her I would just get a waitressing job. Giorgio's is hiring servers right now and the hours would work out well. I have never waitressed in my life...but it's in the genes and I think I could do it and be good at it. Then she told me that RR doesn't want me to work full time for three months. Yeah, they also didn't want me to go back to work this soon and I can see why. I am not ready to be back yet.
I know I can't fault her for not getting it...she doesn't see why I need Toni or why seeing Rob twice a week is important or why I want to eventually look for another YM job. She doesn't get why buying certain groceries are important and why eating Kashi for dinner is not a good idea. I have a huge problem being angry and I know why and as I watched that reason in action this morning...swearing a blue streak...I am so afraid if I got truly angry it would be that ugly. Maybe it's a good thing I will never have kids.
After I see Toni, I think I am going to pack some stuff up and stay at my place for a couple days and see how that goes. Right now I know I am eating simply because I am at my mom's house. But, I need to see what it's going to be like when I am alone. Right now I think it's going to be bad. I don't think the RLP staff realized how important IL was for me. Yeah, I showed I could fall and get back up...but that was because I still had the behavior contract to follow and I didn't want to blow the chance to stay...I probably wouldn't have finished as well as I did if I wasn't trying so hard for that extension.
I see my red flags all over the place...but I don't know what to do when I see them to try not to hit another low. Besides...it's too soon to be going into another episode...but I guess extreme stress will do this.
The thing is...I know I was debating even coming back to youth ministry when I came home and decided that I was in no position to decide that quite yet. But, the minute I saw the kids, the minute Ben came up and hugged me like he didn't want to let go and when John without hesitation came up and hugged me...I knew I was "home." Drew pretending he wasn't ecstatic to see me (being the too cool 7th grader he will be int he fall) when you could see the light in his eyes...Jessica, Rachel and Brianne being so happy I was back...
I can be a "good" Children's Minister but not great. In my good moments I know I am a really good youth worker...if I had doubts...seeing the kids after only being here a few months and then being gone for two tells me I am onto "something." I like the younger kids and I know I can do the job...but there is zippo passion behind it and that's not fair to any of us.
My mother and I fought again about money last night. I told her I would just get a waitressing job. Giorgio's is hiring servers right now and the hours would work out well. I have never waitressed in my life...but it's in the genes and I think I could do it and be good at it. Then she told me that RR doesn't want me to work full time for three months. Yeah, they also didn't want me to go back to work this soon and I can see why. I am not ready to be back yet.
I know I can't fault her for not getting it...she doesn't see why I need Toni or why seeing Rob twice a week is important or why I want to eventually look for another YM job. She doesn't get why buying certain groceries are important and why eating Kashi for dinner is not a good idea. I have a huge problem being angry and I know why and as I watched that reason in action this morning...swearing a blue streak...I am so afraid if I got truly angry it would be that ugly. Maybe it's a good thing I will never have kids.
After I see Toni, I think I am going to pack some stuff up and stay at my place for a couple days and see how that goes. Right now I know I am eating simply because I am at my mom's house. But, I need to see what it's going to be like when I am alone. Right now I think it's going to be bad. I don't think the RLP staff realized how important IL was for me. Yeah, I showed I could fall and get back up...but that was because I still had the behavior contract to follow and I didn't want to blow the chance to stay...I probably wouldn't have finished as well as I did if I wasn't trying so hard for that extension.
I see my red flags all over the place...but I don't know what to do when I see them to try not to hit another low. Besides...it's too soon to be going into another episode...but I guess extreme stress will do this.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
So, here I am again...waiting for "Big Brother 4 to start at 8. I can't help it...it sucked me in last season and now I have to watch the first one. Looks like no good guys like Jason Guy from last season. But, between this and "Amazing Race" I will have have plenty of mindless entertainment. I really miss Tara, one of the MHTs, when stuff like this comes on. We used to watch whatever reality show was on when she was working. I had to call the cul-de-sac today to talk to one of the Nurse Practitioneers. Tina K answered the phone and it was awesome just hearing her voice for a few seconds. I would love to talk to Aaron...but I don't dare try and call just to see if he answers. Partly I want to call because he had a great way of challenging my thoughts about myself and my body image.
I also need to go back to my place. I am running out of creative meal ideas and as much as I like Kashi...it's not exactly dinner. Not that I didn't get all my servings in because I did...fruit and all...just I should be making "real" food for dinner. I also know I am feeling way vulnerable right now and at least by staying here...I may have to put up with a lot from my mom, but it's accountability and safety.
My "twin" called me this afternoon which was awesome. I hate being hundreds and thousands of miles away from the people that are really supportive. Not that I don't have some of that here...but it does make me long for my friends in So Cal a bit. Two and a half weeks and I am already questioning if a) I wasn't better off dead and b) ...I want to recover why? To come home to a big financial mess, having to cut down to a 1/2 hour with my dieititian, once a week with Rob...still needing brakes and a new engine mount for my car...oh...and I need a new color ink cartridge for my printer at work. At least I won't need the color for a few weeks.
I keep thinking of the affirmations my therapist at LIFE had me come up with and the ones Aaron wrote on my mirror to erase all the negative comments I had had there...and try to remember that while right now I have a hard time believing any of them...Betsy and Aaron saw some stuff in me that's good.
I also need to go back to my place. I am running out of creative meal ideas and as much as I like Kashi...it's not exactly dinner. Not that I didn't get all my servings in because I did...fruit and all...just I should be making "real" food for dinner. I also know I am feeling way vulnerable right now and at least by staying here...I may have to put up with a lot from my mom, but it's accountability and safety.
My "twin" called me this afternoon which was awesome. I hate being hundreds and thousands of miles away from the people that are really supportive. Not that I don't have some of that here...but it does make me long for my friends in So Cal a bit. Two and a half weeks and I am already questioning if a) I wasn't better off dead and b) ...I want to recover why? To come home to a big financial mess, having to cut down to a 1/2 hour with my dieititian, once a week with Rob...still needing brakes and a new engine mount for my car...oh...and I need a new color ink cartridge for my printer at work. At least I won't need the color for a few weeks.
I keep thinking of the affirmations my therapist at LIFE had me come up with and the ones Aaron wrote on my mirror to erase all the negative comments I had had there...and try to remember that while right now I have a hard time believing any of them...Betsy and Aaron saw some stuff in me that's good.
I'm trying here...I really am...but I got another blow today...a minor one in the "big picture," but one that I wasn't expecting.
Turns out that now that I am hourly instead of salaried I only get paid once a month...at the END of the month. I don't understand why they still couldn't keep me salaried at 1/2 time. This is not what I need right now.
I know I will get through, I know it will all work out...but this is totally the stuff no one wanted me to have to come home and deal with. If I don't eat, don't drive (except to and from work) and cancel Rob I should be able to last until the end of the month.
I wish I knew what God has in mind...because right now I think our visions of my future are on opposite ends of the scale.
Turns out that now that I am hourly instead of salaried I only get paid once a month...at the END of the month. I don't understand why they still couldn't keep me salaried at 1/2 time. This is not what I need right now.
I know I will get through, I know it will all work out...but this is totally the stuff no one wanted me to have to come home and deal with. If I don't eat, don't drive (except to and from work) and cancel Rob I should be able to last until the end of the month.
I wish I knew what God has in mind...because right now I think our visions of my future are on opposite ends of the scale.
Monday, July 07, 2003
Deep breath...distress tolerance....augh!!! Promprting event? Stress...plain and simple.
Okay...let me back up. I have been on edge all day...not even sure why. My anxiety level is absolutely through the roof. I took a Seroquel earlier today, but it made me so sleepy...I don't dare take another one until I am ready to go to bed.
So, I am trying to walk myself through a "Behavior Chain Analysis" so I can figure out what skills I can use. For those of you who don't know...a BCA is a 4 page document I had "fun" filling out for all sorts of stuff while I was at Remuda LIFE. Self harm, purging, not finishing a meal, sucidal ideation, etc. Actually, I found it very helpful. First page is a narrative on what exactly happened, the second page is figuring out thoughts and feelings that led to the behavior, the third page is writing down the prompting event, the feelings/thoughts leading up to the event and the consequences of the event. The fourth page is looking at the thoughts leading up to it and what skills could have broken the "chain," what positive and negative things occurred by doing the behavior both immediate and later and what the consequences mean for you.
Prompting Event: Wanting to fully engage in behaviors/suicidal thoughts.
I guess the thoughts started last Monday when my car and then my mother's car had out batteries go dead and then I needed a tire. One of the actions started that day as I restricted breakfast that day as well. Oh...I was also going back to work the next day. So after all the car drama was over and I sat down to figure out my finances or lack thereof...I pretty much freaked. No surprise...but seeing it was a shock. So, I managed to keep eating and keep doing what I was supposed to do, but the thoughts of coping in all the old ways were there.
Tuesday I went back to work and realized I do not feel comfortable being there. I have hope the feeling will pass...but I only went in two days last week and couldn't wait to get out. I feel as if they are keeping there to be nice. Children's Ministry can be run with volunteers...same as they are doing with Youth Ministry.
Thursday was a pretty good day. Slept in, rented a movie, saw Rob, came home and read, watched the movie with my mom...and ended up making two good sized cuts on my leg. Maybe it was because the movie made me sad, or because right now there are moments I wish I were dead or because coming back is not what I thought it was going to be...not that I had any fantasies...but being employed full time and still doing YM was kinda what I was thinking
Augh...I need the BCA in front of me to do all of this. Skills wise I need to self-soothe, I need to relax and I need to tolerate the rising distress by using radical acceptance of my current situation. I feel like I am heading toward a panic attack. And it's a whole week until I see Rob again. My mother may not see the wisdom of seeing him 2x a week...but I do.
I so don't wnat to go to work tomorrow. But, I need to be at staff meeting and Steve and I need to meet so I can see where he wants me to go with CM. At least he has enough confidence in my abilities to be able to give me the direction he wants to see us go and let me get there how I think is best!
I can't give in...I worked too hard...but geez...all that Seroquel and Ambien....augh...very tempting.
Still at my mom's house...as much as I am going nuts here...it keeps me accountable!
Okay...let me back up. I have been on edge all day...not even sure why. My anxiety level is absolutely through the roof. I took a Seroquel earlier today, but it made me so sleepy...I don't dare take another one until I am ready to go to bed.
So, I am trying to walk myself through a "Behavior Chain Analysis" so I can figure out what skills I can use. For those of you who don't know...a BCA is a 4 page document I had "fun" filling out for all sorts of stuff while I was at Remuda LIFE. Self harm, purging, not finishing a meal, sucidal ideation, etc. Actually, I found it very helpful. First page is a narrative on what exactly happened, the second page is figuring out thoughts and feelings that led to the behavior, the third page is writing down the prompting event, the feelings/thoughts leading up to the event and the consequences of the event. The fourth page is looking at the thoughts leading up to it and what skills could have broken the "chain," what positive and negative things occurred by doing the behavior both immediate and later and what the consequences mean for you.
Prompting Event: Wanting to fully engage in behaviors/suicidal thoughts.
I guess the thoughts started last Monday when my car and then my mother's car had out batteries go dead and then I needed a tire. One of the actions started that day as I restricted breakfast that day as well. Oh...I was also going back to work the next day. So after all the car drama was over and I sat down to figure out my finances or lack thereof...I pretty much freaked. No surprise...but seeing it was a shock. So, I managed to keep eating and keep doing what I was supposed to do, but the thoughts of coping in all the old ways were there.
Tuesday I went back to work and realized I do not feel comfortable being there. I have hope the feeling will pass...but I only went in two days last week and couldn't wait to get out. I feel as if they are keeping there to be nice. Children's Ministry can be run with volunteers...same as they are doing with Youth Ministry.
Thursday was a pretty good day. Slept in, rented a movie, saw Rob, came home and read, watched the movie with my mom...and ended up making two good sized cuts on my leg. Maybe it was because the movie made me sad, or because right now there are moments I wish I were dead or because coming back is not what I thought it was going to be...not that I had any fantasies...but being employed full time and still doing YM was kinda what I was thinking
Augh...I need the BCA in front of me to do all of this. Skills wise I need to self-soothe, I need to relax and I need to tolerate the rising distress by using radical acceptance of my current situation. I feel like I am heading toward a panic attack. And it's a whole week until I see Rob again. My mother may not see the wisdom of seeing him 2x a week...but I do.
I so don't wnat to go to work tomorrow. But, I need to be at staff meeting and Steve and I need to meet so I can see where he wants me to go with CM. At least he has enough confidence in my abilities to be able to give me the direction he wants to see us go and let me get there how I think is best!
I can't give in...I worked too hard...but geez...all that Seroquel and Ambien....augh...very tempting.
Still at my mom's house...as much as I am going nuts here...it keeps me accountable!
Sunday, July 06, 2003
I am truly not aure how long I am going to be able to stay at the church. My anxiety level is sky high while I am there and I really have no passion for Children's Ministry. Can I do the job? Yes. Can I try and enjoy it as I start writing rotations? Yup. But, the fact remains I LIKE CM, but it is not my passion. Hell, at this point, my passion is wishing I could back to RR one day as an MHT at LIFE or del Sol. But that can never happen.
My grandmother gave me a check for tomorrow...but looking at what I need, the now $240 I have needs to go for other stuff than Rob. Can we say this is NOT a good thing? I have to make this work without slipping and without giving into other behaviors.
I am still at my mom's...but I am really going to try and go back to my place...at least there I will want to eat a variety of food because if I want to mess up my kitchen...I can...I hate "dirtying" my mom's...even though I clean up. It's never good enough!
My grandmother gave me a check for tomorrow...but looking at what I need, the now $240 I have needs to go for other stuff than Rob. Can we say this is NOT a good thing? I have to make this work without slipping and without giving into other behaviors.
I am still at my mom's...but I am really going to try and go back to my place...at least there I will want to eat a variety of food because if I want to mess up my kitchen...I can...I hate "dirtying" my mom's...even though I clean up. It's never good enough!
Saturday, July 05, 2003
Wow...it's been a lot longer than I thought since I updated this thing. Geesh...
Let's see:
* I am home
* My job has been changed to part-time ONLY with Children's Ministry
* I no longer have insurance which means I am dropping to only the meds that I truly need...to the tune of over $200.
There are two I have had to give up because they wouls cost almost $500 a month and there is no way I can do that
* I have $160 in the bank that has to last until the 15th that I need to pay for meds, my therapy sessions, groceries, bills
and gas with. Hmmm...looks like therapy is out the window for a couple weeks.
* I would be in better shape $$$ wise...but I had to sink over $200 in car repairs this week.
My last 30 days at LIFE were good...but eventful. Let's see...after I got off meal support I think I did well for another week or two and then I cycled into a major depressive episode. This time I was actually vocal about the suicidal ideation and wanting to self harm. So, I ended up on eyesight for a weekend and didn't get to go to Independent Living. I went to Staffing to plead my case and when I met with my therapist...she said that after I presented they really wanted to extend me...but as they looked at the treatment goals...I really did meet them. And, they felt I was cycling out of the episode. I felt good about the decision because of the feedback I did receive from them...they said I showed I can fall flat on my face with my meal plan but can pick myself up and get back on track and that everything else I need to do I can do outpatient. They also think that me tripling to doing 7 times the calories (depending on the day pre-Remuda LIFE) a day was a HUGE accomplishment.
So, here I am almost two weeks later and have only missed one meal and self-harmed only once. No purging! So, as much as I wasn't sure if I really had any internal motivation...I guess I really do.
Honestly, my financial situation does have me stressed...but I am getting through it without my Seroquel (left it at work) and with those two exceptions...by not using behaviors. Believe me though...the ideation is strong...but I am not giving into it and am using my skills.
Anyway, there isn't a whole lot new. I am sick of eating 3x a day...but I am doing it and hope to be able to enjoy food one of these days. I get to stay at my place...at least until the end of this month. I can't afford to have my phone again yet...so this could be bad if I run into a crisis...but hopefully I can afford to have it again in August. My part-time job gives me just enought $$ to qualify for NOTHING help wise. I hope I get the disability papers soon so hopefully I will have at least enough $$ fromt hat for my meds and therapy..if that happens...I may be okay.
Let's see:
* I am home
* My job has been changed to part-time ONLY with Children's Ministry
* I no longer have insurance which means I am dropping to only the meds that I truly need...to the tune of over $200.
There are two I have had to give up because they wouls cost almost $500 a month and there is no way I can do that
* I have $160 in the bank that has to last until the 15th that I need to pay for meds, my therapy sessions, groceries, bills
and gas with. Hmmm...looks like therapy is out the window for a couple weeks.
* I would be in better shape $$$ wise...but I had to sink over $200 in car repairs this week.
My last 30 days at LIFE were good...but eventful. Let's see...after I got off meal support I think I did well for another week or two and then I cycled into a major depressive episode. This time I was actually vocal about the suicidal ideation and wanting to self harm. So, I ended up on eyesight for a weekend and didn't get to go to Independent Living. I went to Staffing to plead my case and when I met with my therapist...she said that after I presented they really wanted to extend me...but as they looked at the treatment goals...I really did meet them. And, they felt I was cycling out of the episode. I felt good about the decision because of the feedback I did receive from them...they said I showed I can fall flat on my face with my meal plan but can pick myself up and get back on track and that everything else I need to do I can do outpatient. They also think that me tripling to doing 7 times the calories (depending on the day pre-Remuda LIFE) a day was a HUGE accomplishment.
So, here I am almost two weeks later and have only missed one meal and self-harmed only once. No purging! So, as much as I wasn't sure if I really had any internal motivation...I guess I really do.
Honestly, my financial situation does have me stressed...but I am getting through it without my Seroquel (left it at work) and with those two exceptions...by not using behaviors. Believe me though...the ideation is strong...but I am not giving into it and am using my skills.
Anyway, there isn't a whole lot new. I am sick of eating 3x a day...but I am doing it and hope to be able to enjoy food one of these days. I get to stay at my place...at least until the end of this month. I can't afford to have my phone again yet...so this could be bad if I run into a crisis...but hopefully I can afford to have it again in August. My part-time job gives me just enought $$ to qualify for NOTHING help wise. I hope I get the disability papers soon so hopefully I will have at least enough $$ fromt hat for my meds and therapy..if that happens...I may be okay.
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Day 30...
Well after 28 days I was finally taken off all monitoring...thank God! Right now there are a ton of people on meal supports and a lot of restricting going on which is triggering and that's the last thing I need.
To be honest, I am so sick of doing it their way. In the two weeks that I have been compliant, I have GAINED six pounds! I don't NEED to gain weight. I am so supposed to be LOSING weight. I am so frustrated and I DON'T trust Kim (my dietitian) anymore.
I am also no longer numb. I miss numb...numb was good...okay maybe not...but I am having an incredibly hard time dealing with them. I got switched from "Stress Management" to "Emotion Regulation" and I am so happy I asked my therapist about that. That means I have groups/therapy with her for like 4 hours on Mondays. Totally worth it.
My session with Rob were taken from me when I was self-harming and I filled the void my going to the gym. I earned the right to go and that is good. Except I am over exercising. Their way isn't working...I feel like I have to do something.
There is a few MHTs here that are a gift from God and I am so thankful for them. I trust them probably even more than Betsy (my T)...well Aaron at any rate. He needs to become a T...much better then law school and he is probably my #1 encouarger. Debby (another MHT and someone I can really trust) and I agreed we need to find someone just like him only 10-12 years older! I wish he'd bring in a picture of his wife...I want to see one so much! There story is so incredibly sweet.
Anyway, again I am in Rec. Art (or as I like to call it "wreck art") amd want out NOW! I cannot stand this group because my art is drama and this thing and Creative Memories..."real" art...not my thing!
I suppose I should go...I have no clue if anyone even looks at this...but since my brother added a link to this I figured I might as well!
Well after 28 days I was finally taken off all monitoring...thank God! Right now there are a ton of people on meal supports and a lot of restricting going on which is triggering and that's the last thing I need.
To be honest, I am so sick of doing it their way. In the two weeks that I have been compliant, I have GAINED six pounds! I don't NEED to gain weight. I am so supposed to be LOSING weight. I am so frustrated and I DON'T trust Kim (my dietitian) anymore.
I am also no longer numb. I miss numb...numb was good...okay maybe not...but I am having an incredibly hard time dealing with them. I got switched from "Stress Management" to "Emotion Regulation" and I am so happy I asked my therapist about that. That means I have groups/therapy with her for like 4 hours on Mondays. Totally worth it.
My session with Rob were taken from me when I was self-harming and I filled the void my going to the gym. I earned the right to go and that is good. Except I am over exercising. Their way isn't working...I feel like I have to do something.
There is a few MHTs here that are a gift from God and I am so thankful for them. I trust them probably even more than Betsy (my T)...well Aaron at any rate. He needs to become a T...much better then law school and he is probably my #1 encouarger. Debby (another MHT and someone I can really trust) and I agreed we need to find someone just like him only 10-12 years older! I wish he'd bring in a picture of his wife...I want to see one so much! There story is so incredibly sweet.
Anyway, again I am in Rec. Art (or as I like to call it "wreck art") amd want out NOW! I cannot stand this group because my art is drama and this thing and Creative Memories..."real" art...not my thing!
I suppose I should go...I have no clue if anyone even looks at this...but since my brother added a link to this I figured I might as well!
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