I (A Meme)

I was tagged by Ryan.

I AM: Director of Chilidren's Ministry, a Jr. High volunteer and a member of the Presbytery Youth Sub-committee.

I WANT: to move out of my house and into my own place again!

I WISH: my job was full time.

I HATE: rude people.

I LOVE: "my" kids!

I MISS: My friends in "The OC."

I FEAR: that I will never fully recover.

I HEAR: the May YS Podcast.

I WONDER: where God is leading me on this crazy adventure!

I REGRET: how I have allowed fear to hold me back at times.

I AM NOT: sleeping well!

I DANCE: NEVER!

I SING: in the car...even though I have a lousy voice!

I CRY: not nearly enough. I think (for ME only) it is a weakness that cannot be indulged.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: happy. I find myself "content" which is not a bad thing and happiness in temporal...but I don't find myself there very often.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: a bunch of stuff I bake and cook!

I WRITE: my blog and our Children's Ministry Blog.

I CONFUSE: excellence/"good enough" with perfection.

I NEED: to stop restricting as a reaction to my recent vacation when I ate like 2x a day.

I SHOULD: get back to the gym, unpack my car and get back to work!

I START: major VBS work this week!

I FINISH: pretty much everything I start.

I tag Mel, PK and Tina

Here I Am...the OC!

I left yesterday at 4:45 AM. I had to be sure I got here in time to see Dr. D. I did. He was surprised. It was good.

After I saw him I tried to check in, but it was too early so I went to grab lunch. I came back, got my room and hung out until a movie and dinner with a friend. That was really nice. I hadn't seen Steve in probably 4 or 5 years, so there was a lot to catch up on. I know...a movie doesn't help...but it's our "thing." We went over to the Fox Sports Grill and spent 3 1/2 hours catching up. That was really nice. It was like a Youth MInistry walk down Memory Lane! Wondering what some kids are doing that we worked with 10+ years ago, etc. I think we'll hang out again later this week.

Today I am heading to Disneyland. First, Downtown Disney to meet deltacogirl from YMX and then head into the park. Depending what time we get together, I may go early. I am dying to get on Space Mountain and I want to ride the new Monsters, Inc. ride. I also need my Tower of Terror fix!

I'll be back there tomorrow, but since I know I can't lift Gina out of her wheelchair for a lot of stuff...it'll be limited and I may go back later that night to play catch up. I just can't wait to spend time with her.

Monday I will head out there on my own and except for leaving to see Dr. D...I will be there open to close.

Have a great day!

Memories...

I am usually glad I have a pretty good memory. Sometimes it is downright scary. One time, years ago in a staff meeting, our Exec. Pastor couldn't remember something and I was able to tell him who said what, when and where we were each sitting at the time. I amazed the staff and J was glad he had someone who could remember stuff in such detail.

Sometimes it's downright annoying. There are times I plain don't like remembering so much...especially the hard stuff.

Then there are the very few times when memories come back out of nowhere and are usually not pleasant ones at all.

The latter happened last week. BOOM...seemingly out of the blue a memory from 7th grade came to me. One that I had not thought of in years and years and had pretty uch forgot it happened. It was a split second incident...but one that left me feeling very dirty and disgusting as the memory replayed itself over and over Thursday night and much of Friday. I wanted to cut and I came really close to purging...but I didn't. I sent an email to Rob instead and told him. Then I took my mom out to dinner for her birthday. She turned 60 yesterday...but we were with my grandparents and my grandfather cooked...so I decided I'd take her out since I didn't have the $$ to make a big deal out of her 60th. It is amazing how much calmer one feels after eating a meal with all the food groups (well...no fruit)represented.

I had told Rob that I really didn't want to talk about "the incident," when I emailed him...but I knew better. So, we talked and I he asked me what I felt. Honestly? I don't know. What goes through my mind is what is so wrong with me...so defective that someone thought they could touch me like that and it be ok? Especially by another kid. Then it dawned on me that this happened just a few month before I was molested by my uncle's best friend. I was 11 when I first started 7th grade...but just the first 6 weeks and I know it happened later. I am just trying to think if it happned before or after the rumor that I slept with the Choir Director to win a raffle. I think it was after. Stupid, innocent me had to have it all explained to me because I was oblivious to the rumor and then fairly oblivious to the meaning. Goodt Two Shoes Am I!

I finally got Rob to understand that when I tell him I am stupid that I mean it. I will say that and then he will say that I am not being truthful. I FINALLY was able to get the guts to tell him that him telling me it I wasn't being truthful was HIS opinion and that I MEAN it. That took us to a discussion of me being told over and over and OVER growing up that I was book smart but was stupid/dumb otherwise. That just because I was in college didn't mean I was smart...that I thought I was better then my family because I was in college, but that I didn't truly know anything. He gets it. It almost made me cry last Thursday when he told me that what was said to me was tragic and that no one deserves it.

Today, as I think I frustrated him again, he decided to try a different angle. I think he sees the lecturing me on "thinking about my thinking" is not working. So, he went with the gut wrencher...some of the reparenting stuff. I hate it. Okay...I sort of hate it. I kinda like it...it makes me feel less a loser.

He told me that if someone did what was done to me (and he has a daughter and son) and he found out, he would clear his schedule for the rest of the day, come down to the school and make sure it was taken care of. I told him he is the only one who knows...I have never told anyone else until I emailed him. Then he did the, "Oh, Deneice" that makes me want to burt into tears. The guy who did what he did was a bully and had been harassing me off and on anyway. When I finally went to the office over another incident with the guy (for the life of me I can't remember what it was), I got blamed by both the school and my mom for "provoling him." To hear Rob say what he did to me...it was hard to keep it together. How I wish I had had a parent like that. I know I'm not the only one.

He reiterated that he thought what my family said to me was "tragic" and told me he didn't think he was being overdramatic about it and continued to point out how wrong they are. There is a small part of me that want to belive it...probably the part that kept from slipping into behaviors...but it doesn't seem possible.

Speaking of behaviors...as of today I am 19 months purge free. When I leave for "the OC" Friday I will be 18 months self harm (cutting) free. I can't wait to share that with my chiropractor because he will be thrilled.

I can't wait to Friday. Not that I am necessaruily UNhappy here...but I get to go where I have been my happiest (and also my sickest...an interesting combo) and where I have no doubt at all...I am loved.

Update 1

I have a cake cooling for tonight’s small group and am letting some sugar eggs harden before I scoop them out and put them either in the oven or sit out overnight, Since I haven’t decided what I am going to with them yet, I will probably just let them sit overnight.

Last night’s SJ Giant’s game was a hoot. They won! But it took to the bottom of the 11^th to get there. It was so cold by the time the game and fireworks ended, but it was neat being at a baseball game opening day! The team got their rings (they were the CA League 2005 champs) and the new mascot arrived in style…in a helicopter! He is a big orange (we are the farm team for the SF Giants and the color was “SF Giant’s Orange”) ape and the first time the team has ever had a mascot. The pitcher had a “thing” for hitting the batters. It was funny in a sad way, someone asked (loudly) about it and someone yelled out from the crowd, “It’s just a new thing they do.” At the end the crowd was getting on the team to score and end it. There were shouts about wanting to go home and get some sleep because of work, about wanting out of the cold and wanting to get to the fireworks. The crowd thinned out as time went on. It WAS a school night after all!

“Every 15 Minutes” was presented at Leigh High School this week. It is a program that demonstrates the dangers of driving and/or getting into a car with someone who is under the influence. The first day, about 20 kids were pulled from class by the “grim reaper.” The kids knew a week in advance this was going to happen. The rest of the school had no clue. They had to leave everything and leave the room. A parent volunteer escorted the student to the command center to get made-up as a “dead” person. While that happened, the police officer and I walked in. He read the obituary and I was on the lookout for anyone who was distressed and maybe needed to talk. We left and then two parent volunteers came in to collect the books/backpacks and to put a rose, a picture and a black ribbon with the student’s name on it on that empty space.

After that happened, a crash scene was set up on the football field and it was run as a real 911 call. One kid was DOA, two were stuck in a car and the other was a drunk driver. It was pouring down rain and the students were sent home after this part of the program. What we didn’t see (until the next day) was what happened at the hospital, police station and the parent notifications. The parents were in on all of this, but it was heart wrenching to see the parents genuinely react to all of this…even knowing their child was still alive and safe.

The next day was a memorial service. We are talking flowers, special music, all the parents and a casket. The SJPD bagpipes were there as were members of the sponsoring agencies in uniform. The video showed events from the week before focusing on the kids who would be “killed” the next. It showed the grim reaper and the accident scene and the aftermath. We saw the driver being booked and put in a cell, we saw a mom having to come to the morgue and ID her child and two other families be told at the hospital their child didn’t make it. They also showed the parents going in and saying their goodbyes. I am not sure what was more jarring, seeing the kids in the bleachers in tears or the rescue/agency personnel.

That night, the kids went to a retreat center and their parents did a mini-retreat. The kids, their parents and some of their friends all had the chance to write letters. They were supposed to be in the “what I never had the chance to say” vein. They were read during the service. Finally, a local woman who lost half her family because of one drunk driver spoke. It was heartbreaking…more so because she had to speak twice and had never done that before. The accident was 9 years ago, but it as very fresh for her even now.

This is getting long, so I’ll write about the therapy stuff in another post.

So Much to Say...

Just a really quick check in...if anyone still reads this. Things have been really, really busy since last Thursday.

I want to share more of it with you, but it will probably have to wait a day or so.

My session with Rob went really well as did the one Monday. My appt. today is in 90 minutes. It's been amazing and yet draining. I hate to admit I felt good when Rob told me he was proud of me last week...but I was.

I participated as a volunteer for the Every 15 Minutes drunk driving program at a local high school and the lasdt two days have been emotionally draining...even i the whole thing is set up...it is still very rough to get through.

My grandpa and I are going to the home opener of out minor league SJ Giants tonight. Woo hoo!

I leave for "The OC" in 15 days!

The Day After...

I think if I would have actually had anything in my stomach yesterday it would have come back up...without any help from myself. Even though I know what Rob expects is a GOOD thing...my anxiety level was through the roof.

Part of my anxiety was from the very fact of starting to have to really open up. Not that in the past 3+ years I haven't opened up...but really go into the core of everything. It i not that I haven't been there before. But it is this fear I have. I open up and something happens to make the therapy relationship end. It's happened twice. Once was totally out of my control and the second was when I moved to Indiana. I know in my head that probably nothng will happen...but the fear is there. Part of the anxiety stems from the emotions coming up and the fear of not being able to handle them.

I sat in the car before I went into the office to go ahead and write something...at least enough to get a start. I spent a lot of time writing about hating to write it down. I got in there and he did let me talk about a couple "fluff" items before we dug in. I think he knows that I need that...but he's going to limit it. As he said, he enjoys it too, but he let it go on for too long. So, we talked about my mom going back to work, how I wanted to go to the Giants/Angels game last night and what was going on with my SP.

Then I told him I wrote stuff down and why I didn't want to read it and my reservations. One thing I said was that yes, I could read what was going through my head a half hour ago and it would be true...but my fear is that the writing could come across as forces, rehearsed and not real. Then I dug into much of what I have been writing here the past couple days.

Funny thing how that works. It was never comfortable and it didn't feel like it was relief or that I was glad to have said any of it, maybe that will come in time. The "funny" part was I thought I was headed in one direction and I ended up someplace totally different. I know I said stuff I have NEVER said to him before. Heck, I don't think I ever said it to anyone before. I am not even sure I really and truly knew on a conscious level what I told him.

Now if I can even remember it myself! I was speaking about all the good things in my life and yet still very much feeling as if I am a waste of space. That lead into me saying something about not belonging and the whys which lead to the feeling of disappointment and how I won't allow myself to experience disappointment. Then things are a bit of a blur. In fact, I spent ten minutes trying to figure out if we hugged at the end of the session because I didn't remember it. I need to work on that one!

More Rambling Thoughts...

On April 22nd, it will be three years since I went to the Remuda Ranch LIFE program. It seems hard to believe. That was the hardest 60 days of my life and I don’t think it was worth the money it cost to send me. Part of it was my fault; my motivation for going wasn’t the best. In the end, I still ended up losing part of my job and then my apartment. So, I move back home and soon after, my mom tried to kill herself. I don’t think I was ready to take on that much stress after 60 rough days of treatment. The whole thing sent me into a spiral I almost gave in to. Thank God (literally) He sent some awesome people into my life that gave me a place to escape to for a week and got me out of the situation. That trip probably saved my life.

I just don’t know what my problem is lately. Not even lately…pretty much all the time. I may be only working PT, but I have really come to love my job in Children’s Ministry and feel so blessed that I am volunteering with our Junior Highers. Except for the financial aspect, I am in the best possible place I can be. I do pray about if I should look for a FT position and I have no sense at all I am to leave. This does not disappoint me in the least. Would I love the chance so I could move out or even better, move away? Yup. But, it is not worth going against what I feel is God’s will. It won’t do any of us any good and would probably lead me right back down paths I really can’t afford to go down. Okay, I know it is all a matter of choice and I get that. But, though it may sound like a cop out, opening the door to ED does not always make it seem as if choice comes into the picture at all.

I feel so stupid for feeling about myself the way I do. Rob would get on me for saying I feel stupid because I am once again judging my feelings…but I DO feel stupid. There is so much good stuff going on and yet most days I can’t stand the sight of myself, I can’t stand that I take up space on this earth and I wish either I would have OD’d when I had the chance or that the ED would have killed me long ago.

The totally stupid thing about all that is there is no “good” reason for any of it. Funny thing, I can hear Rob’s voice telling me to stop judging my feelings and there IS a reason for it…all I have to do is look to the woman that gave birth to me and how she has always made me feel unimportant, unloved and very, very, very unwanted. The thing is I know there is a place deep down where I don’t believe it, or at least I know that can’t always be true otherwise I don’t think I could ever be successful at what I do. Either that or I have the wool pulled over everyone’s eyes. Believe me that thought rambles through my head every so often.

Some of this reflection is a total result of the last few weeks in our sessions, but there is more. I really can’t and won’t go into details…but my SP is having a very hard time with some family stuff. It is calling into question not only who a family member is…but who HE is. I think what he is going through has really thrown him into tailspin and I really understand that. It is also a lesson about putting people up on a pedestal. Eventually, they are going to disappoint you. The disappointment may be unintentional or without thought…but as Depeche Mode says, “people are people.”

The biggest question is why can’t I say any of this out loud?? My guess? It makes it all real.

Countdown to The OC...

I know I am probably anticipating this trip a little too much. I know I need to be concentrating on other things, but as I sit here and listen to my Disney podcasts (you really need to add 1313 South Harbor Radio to your podcasts...it is all the sounds from every area of Disneyland) April 21st can't get here fast enough. There is just so much for me to do besides the conference I am attending. There are my friends, Disneyland, and almost most importantly...my chiropractor. Not just for the adjustments (although I am looking forward to those), but just for his physical presence. I really miss him a lot.

The first few nights I am staying in Irvine, CA. Got a great deal from priceline.com and then I am staying with a friend and her husband. Anna was one of my youth group kids/student leaders way back when. Way back when we were just close enough (10 years) in age to end up really good friends. Unlike now when I al old enough to be my kids' mom! They live about 10 minutes from Saddleback and I don't have to get on the 5 or the toll roads to get there.

But, I also think I am using it as a distraction. Things with Rob are not going so well. He is taking responsibility for letting certain stuff go one for too long (our "fun talk")...but I think he is wrong. He keeps telling me I am really good at getting off the subject into something "safer" so who know? Maybe he does share a part in the "mess" we have found ourselves in. We had another "talk" yesterday because I stayed on the surface. Well...HE says that...I don't agree. He is probably right because he pulled out an email I sent to him a couple weeks ago and what I said there I could "never" say out loud.

That's what we ended up talking about yesterday. I told him I feel so stupid because I can write it, but I can't speak it. I can leave it all on paper and just ignore what is going inside when I walk into his office. I am not sure WHY though. I trust him, I feel safe in the office and I know I can tell him anything...but yet what we usually talk about can be shallow at times. I told him maybe speaking all of that "stuff" makes it real and if it is emailed than it is just words on the screen or words on a page after it is printed.

He talks about taking a break. I know if I do that, I will never go back. Not only will I never go back to him...I will never go back at all. The sad fact is, while I am 18 months purge free and 17 months SI free...much of it is because of the built in accountability I have because of Rob and Toni. Then again, I haven't tried things out without him so maybe not. I think I would probably slip out of spite. Slip as in giving in once...not a relapse. We'll have a 10 day break when I go to the OC, but I know he means more than that. Besides, when I am there I am with friends, I am where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am loved and where he is still just a phone call or email away.

We talked about how much I don't want to have to write stuff down, but that it could be a jumping off point for now. I don't HAVE to do it, but either way I need to come in Thursday ready to go deep into all the gunk. I don't think he understands how scary it is.

There are some days that I wonder if part of this isn't due to not being on meds. I wish I could pinpoint it for sure. I have been off meds for just over two years now. I had to for financial reasons and he never brings them up so I am guessing he thinks I don't need them, but I'm not sure. I know my mother would pay for it if I asked her if I could be evaluated...but I think I figure if I am not planning my own demise then I don't need them. Then again, the last time I was so depressed I almost DID make an attempt, I was on meds. I just feel like I have this constant lowish level of depression that may make any movement in therapy difficult.

Thursday should be interesting to say the least!

iTunes Meme

After seeing this all over the place...I decided "why not?"

HOW MANY SONGS?
505

SORT BY SONG TITLE:
First = Above All — Rebecca St. James
Last = Your Grace is Enough — Chris Tomlin

SORT BY TIME:
Longest = Down Once More/Track Down this Murderer (Phantom of the Opera Movie soundtrack) 12:48
Shortest = The Mustard (Buffy the Vampire Slayer "Once More with Feeling") :19

SORT BY ALBUM:
First = Abbey Road Sessions - Steven Curtis Chapman
Last = Veggie Rocks! - Veggie Tales

TOP FIVE MOST PLAYED SONGS:
1. Seasons of Love - Rent Soundtrack
2. Over and Over - Nelly & Tim McGraw
3. Open Skies - David Crowder Band
4. Pretty Vegas - INXS
5. Indescribable - Chris Tomlin

FIRST TEN SONGS THAT COMES UP ON SHUFFLE:
1. Pretty Vegas - INXS
2. Seasons of Love - Rent
3. Disappear (live) - Jars of Clay
4. You'll See - Rent
5. Breathe - Kathryn Scott (The Best Worhip Songs Ever)
6. Phantom of the Opera - Phantom of the Opera soundtrack
7. All My Tears - Jars of Clay and Ashley Cleveland (iTunes original)
8. Voice Mail #3 - Rent
9. I Should Tell You - Rent
10. Love Heals -Rent

RANDOM WORD SEARCHES
search for “jesus.” how many songs? – 13
search for “death.” how many songs? – 0
search for “love.” how many songs? – 21

Harvest Crusade!!!

I am so excited! I have known about this for a little over a month, but as we are now one month closer to the event and we get ready to start making calls to local churches, I am getting even more excited!

When I lived in So Cal, I attended many Crusades with youth, alone, as a follow up counselor, etc. So, when I found out at last month's YM Network meeting they would be coming up here I was thrilled. I think it is something that our area needs and can have a real impact in our valley. The follow up from the Crusades is awesome and people will only fall through the cracks if they choose to. Each person who makes a decsion will be steered toward a church in their community and if they came with a friend, they will be steered toward that church.

"Amplify" is the youth night and that is where I am mainly plugged in (ofr course). We'll bring our kids (at least I am planning on it...a lot can happen between now and October), but I am also helping out with calling churches and whatever else they want us to do. Having been to many in Anaheim, I think I can be helpful. Our contact from Harvest Crusades is awesome and is going to be great to work with.

It is absolutely amazing to see what God has done since NYWC. I knew coming off that experience that my role in YM was going to change from what it has been for the past 15 years...but I wasn't sure how. I knew that while I may be hands on with students in some capacity that God was going to lead me into roles where I am encouraging and supporting other YW and I feel like it is happening...through what is going on with camp, Harvest Crusades and whatever else may be thrown my way. Pretty nifty stuff!

Thanks, Len!

A Bit Of Both You are 50% Calvin and 50% Hobbes

Calvin & Hobbes, like a scruffy yin and yang, are in perfect balance within you. Like Calvin, you're weird, a bit insecure, and can be a trouble-maker. But like Hobbes, you're down to earth and sensitive. It's a risk to say it here, after just a ten question test, but I'll bet you're smarter than most. Both Calvin and Hobbes are crafty, clever characters, and any one made from equal parts of each is a force to be reckoned with.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 42% on calvin You scored higher than 25% on hobbes

Link: The Calvin Or Hobbes Test written by gwendolynbooks on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

The Bad and The Ugly...

As I said last week or was it the week before...this would be in the wrong order when you read the titles (The Good, the Bad and the Ugly). That's okay though.

Where do I start? My aunt and uncle from WA came down for a few days to visit. I have known this for a few weeks and have had plenty of time to dread the fact. The last time I saw my uncle was the year after his best friend molested me. I wrote a letter to my uncle several years after the fact. In the last year or so, the two men have rekindled their friendship. I sort of see both sides of this whole thing, but I am still unamused about their relationship.

Their visit started out okay. By the end of the first night, I was really glad to see them. That carried over to the second night. Then came Saturday night and "the ugly."

My mom is not supposed to drink. As many know, alcohol and anti-d's do NOT mix. The last time she was drunk...she came home and OD'd. But, I was driving (her driving scared their dog...and for good reason) so she decided to toss common sense out the window. We had a wait at the restaurant and so we were in the bar. I had a Coke and the rest of them had beer, wine and/or VO and water. I raised my eyebrows to my mom but she told me she'd only have a glass or two. Well, that two turned into three and ended up somewhere between 6-8 glasses when all was said and done.

My grandmother was not yet drunk so she knew how freaked I was. She asked me if I wanted her to spend the night. I told her no (which is a good thing because she ended up really drunk) that I would just take her pills and put them in my roon when I got home. My aunt and uncle kept telling me to relax and allow my mom to have fun. HA! I had to be up Sunday AM and didn't want to wake up to finding her dead.

So, the drunker my grandmother got the more she had to lay into her ex-husband (father of her kids) which my uncle really didn't want to rehash. We learned that he belittled my uncle until the day he died and my uncle kept reminding my grandmother he is not his father. Then came the "revelation" that my uncle was my grandmother's face (first born and all) and my other uncle was her 1st husband's fave. Oh...and offering to raise the offspring of your children runs in my family. I guess my great grandparent's wanted to raise my uncle and when I was a kid my grandmother always begged to raise me.

We got home and I took the pills and put them in my room. My mom told me I didn't have to worry. A few minutes later she tells my aunt that it's a good thing I did because when it comes to good times like this she doesn't want them to end. And suicide is going to help the good times keep going??? OOOOOK.

The Good...

Sunday afternoon ended another weekend at camp. This one was complete with snow on the summit, thunder, lightning and hail Friday night, rain and more rain Saturday and Sunday...BUT...NO rain during free time!!!! God is so good! Again, that was my prayer the weekend. As long as the kids can get out and do their thing from 1-5 Saturday we are in great shape!

I realized I am doing these entries backwards...but oh well! :)

I ended up being the contact person at camp. It made sense because I had no kids this weekend and could be available for any problems pretty much 24/7...well you know what I mean. This meant I locked up and night, unlocked in the morning, got any cabin concerns to our weekend Host, etc. It pretty much went right along with my duties of running the leaders' meetings. It actually made more sense that way. I could have had a leadership cottage, but chose to stay in a regular cabin (all to myself) instead.

Saturday lunch I found myself helping in the kitchen. The food is brought down from the main conference center. Some of it is already plated for the tables or in bowls and then some of it the kitchen staff has to get ready. The kids come in for KP about 15 minutes before the meal. I had so much fun. It used to be a favorite thing for me to do at Angeles Crest...but some of that was ED related. In fact, I used to eat with the work crew and staff because it was a little easier. It's just really a fun thing to do. You have hungry campers and the sooner we can get the kids to get their trays the better. Mount Hermon has pretty good camp food so the kids ate...a lot. I have always loved camp ministry and the summer I was Program Director was such good training in YM.

Back to back weekends was really tiring though. Even though I didn't have kids, just doing behind the scenes work was just as exhausting.

I was very affirmed at this retreat. Not that I was looking for it or even expected it...but people were watching and I guess my gift of administration came shining through more than I thought/intended/realized. I was told that because of it, the bulk of the committee work would be mine for now on and that I may be the contact person. I can live with that! I think we have all been on auto-pilot too long with this retreat and the high school retreat.

Cows CAN Skate!!!

$5.00 for three hours (including skates) is a great price! I pulled up to the rink...one I haven't stepped foot in since I was 11 years when I came to sell my skates to buy an Atari. It is so rundown it's not even funny. The carpet and snack bar tables are the same ones that were there when I was 7. I got my skates and talked to the owner about my distaste for rental skats because you can't skate like normal. He agreed and looked for a decent pair to give me. I was the only one there.

I got my skates, went to "my" table and put them on. I got up, skated to the edge of the rink and was shocked at the condition of the floor. Gone were the bold, black figure circles against the smooth, white floor. The floor was scuffed, needed to be redone and there was a huge piece of plastic where there must be a leak in the roof. I skate...very slowly as if I had not spent almost 4 years with quad skates growing out of my feet. I fell...once. It hurt. It STILL hurts. I got back up and shook it off.

By the end of hour number one I was skating forward at full speed with some tentative backward skating. No crossovers...but I was backward and I was upright. By the end of 90 minutes I was skating backard at full speed and doing some crossovers. I tried to spin...not on rentals! Ugh! I managed one revolution. I REALLY wabted to do a waltz jump, but in those boots I would fall and hurt myself.

After the first 45 minutes or so, two high school girls came in and I admit, I was THRILLED when I could out skate them! They ended up being realy sweet, told me I skated really well and anted me to teach them to skate backward! I didn't last the whole three hours. Two and a half hours in I was done.

I want to go back. $5 is so cheap. I want my own skates. They'll cost me $225. Anyone wanting to give to the "Let's Make Sure Deneice is Not a Cow for Long" fund, let me know! :) I will try and save and get the pair by the end of the year. I am going to ask the owner to watch out for used boots because he said he'd cut me a good deal.

They offer adult lessons on Monday nights. $7.50 including the session afterward. I know I am too old to pick up where I left off...but if I could pass that final figure test I'd be happy. I only took it once and everyone told me that it was rare to pass it the first time...plus I was only 10.

Did I Ever Tell You?

I used to roller skate. Nothing major. Before an injury (okay...I broke my tibia, fibula and cracked my femur) when I was 10 I did manage to get my first three dance tests done and passed two of the three required figure tests. I probably could have passed my first freestyle (they don't ask much...or didn't back then), too. After my leg finally healed (I was in a cast from May to August and had surgery) my mom wouldn't let me go back. That, my friends, is why I am a theater geek!

Anyway, as I have been tripping down Memory Lane with Rob the last few weeks this came up. I hadn't talked about it in a very long time. It was a great time in my life (mixed in with some of the abandonment stuff we have been exploring) and had a lot of fun. I miss having my own skates because let's face it...rentals are a fate wrose than death! They have gone up in price so much that unless I plan to take lessons again for fun...it's not worth it.

But, in a little over and hour they have an Open Skate happening where I used to go (three name changes ago) and I think I am going to check it out.

Pray!!!!

So...I Lied...

Forget the Oscars...I want to talk about the Get Away Camp this past weekend. It is a much better subject!

The weekend was awesome. I was worried about rain. That was my prayer and the prayers of those at the camp...that the weather would at least hold during free time! It held from when we got there Friday until we left Sunday. It sprinkled just before we left and really rained all the way home.

The first picture is my cabin. I had my three girls and then five "independents." They give them to me because they figure I can handle it! :) They were great kids and by dinner it was like they were all "my" kids.

Next is Natalie. She became a Christian Saturday night...but this is her on the archery range.

We couldn't play field games because of the rain so we played group games indoors and this was the mummy contest. Since Carrissa was the youngest/smallest kid we chose to make her into a mummy.

I had one boy (poor Chad) come up to camp and because there were 180+ campers...I saw him maybe twice all weekend! "Cabana Boy" was his leader and told me Chad did great during the weekend.

The last picture was taken during one of our worship sessions.

The theme was "Wild Ride" and the speaker was awesome! He is the Marketing Director at Angeles Crest Christian Camp...where I used to take my kids when I was at the CC and RCCC. Back then he did out T-shirts...but he was also a speaker...I had just never heard Keith speak until this camp. The band was great and the whole Mount Hermon staff was so wonderful.

I loved sitting back and watching my older kids serve the younger ones when they didn't know anyone was looking or didn't care if anyone was looking! One counselor sent a little kid with all big tray of all their dirty dishes back to the kitchen and of course the kid dropped it. Before I could step in, "G" popped in from out of "nowhere" and helped the kid pick stuff up and bring it into the kitchen. All these other kids that were around did nothing and she didn't hesitate.

They took partners wherever they went (i.e. the bathroom...even in the middle of the night) and made sure no one was left behind. Woo hoo!

The Oscars

I got back from camp a few hours before The Oscars so I am still tired and sore. I will say I am so excited "Crash" won! More later...

Not Alone...

Today was an interesting day in therapy. The last few weeks have been a stroll down memory lane. Why? Well...it started out as abandonment issues but it appears as if it is slowly evolving from that to me not believing I have any right to want or need anything. The message growing up (one of them) is that I want too much. What is that too much? When I was younger...not so sure...probably just to have my mother be present. When I was older? I wanted my mom to be at my plays, be home when I left for my senior prom, to come to Parents' Weekend at college, etc. One memory touches off another one and I am having a hard time feeling anything about it. I'm stuck because I keep asking myself (and Rob) what is so wrong with me that she couldn't give me those simple things. I got a ton of material things and she made sure of that when she missed a play (flowers opening night, etc.)...but I didn't want those things.

Rob doesn't often share much about himself. I know...that is not his job, but I like to see little glimpses into his life. Today I was blessed with a nugget from his own childhood. When he was a kid, his dad and stepmom dropped him and his little brother off at the YMCA while they had a date night. The YMCA closed before his parents were done with their date and he and his little brother were stuck outside, alone in the dark until they were picked up. When they got in the car...no one even apologized for being so late. He also played baseball as a kid and he said that his dad maybe came to 1-2 gmes. The odd thing is I feel so sad that he had to go through that as a kid and know he didn't deserve it, but I look at similar examples in my own life and write it off to be being a complete loser/leech/awful bad person.

I told him that my mom couldn't be bothered to come to my stuff and yet I will move heaven and earth to try to get to things that the youth and/or children do at my church and they aren't my kids! I told him that when John played volleyball that I went to one of his two weekly games, but either his mom or dad was at EVERY game...as it should be. Rob said that unless there is a crisis with someone at work, he would never dream of missing anything his kids do.

I know I am not the only one who has gone through this. I think that is part of my problem. How can I even dare to be hurt and/or disappointed when others go through this and at least I got "stuff" to compensate? I don't think Rob quite hears me when I say I think back to all that stuff and believe it all happened because I simply exist. He hears it, but I think he tries to come back quickly that it isn't me and loses how deeply rooted the rest is in my being. I hate what happened to him and hate that it happens to kids all around us.

I LOVE the fact that I am in a church that honors our children and youth. I see others at plays and recitals and games...even though they are not involved in Children's Ministry or Youth Ministry...and smile. They get it. They honor our kids and are there to be Jesus with skin on and in spite of my frustrations about my job at times...what a place to serve!

Where Does the Time Go???

I looked at the date of my last blog entry. The 23rd??? Seems like it was a lot sooner than that...but I guess not.

This weekend I am taking 4 of our 4th and 5th graders up to Mount Hermon's Redwood Camp for the Junior Get Away! It is supposed to rain buckets...but it should be a lot of fun. I am looking forward to it. I get to go back next week because of our Presbytery Jr. High Retreat...but we aren't taking any kids. Ugh! The kids loved it last year so I don't know what the deal is now. Oh well...more time for me! :)

It's been an interesting ride becoming a volunteer again. I like it...and it is very much the way it was when I was a volunteer at the CC. I was a volunteer...BUT...what I did as a volunteer was a different than what the other volunteers were doing. More planning, more leading, etc. I don't mind it...just a little weird!

Last Saturday was the first Core I attended as a volunteer in a long time. I'll post about that later. I am still processing it. I left really frustrated and that has never happened before. I'm trying to figure out why and how much of is me and how much of it is the event itself.

La Vie Boheme!

"RENT" obsessed post II

This is how bad it is people...I actually LISTENED to the commentary! Actually, in this case it makes sense as I want to hear about changes made from stage to screen and why, etc. I also didn't know they filmed in San Francisco. Wish I would have known! Rats!

Chris Columbus was really happy to get a PG-13 rating, though he says he now has some reservations as kids who really have no clue what the lyrics of "La Vie Boheme" even mean are singing the song.

So, all you "Rentheads" out there...if you were a from "Rent," who would you be? Or, after seeing the movie who do you think you would be? After watching the movie over and over and listening to the soundtrack constantly since I bought it back in November or December...I think I am Mark. Obviously not in every aspect...but he seems to fit better than anyone else. I mean things down to the whole Maureen/Joanne thing...but I was in high school and he didn't break up with me for another guy...he just realized that...well...we still stayed friends through high school.

Back to "La Vie Boheme." It is amazing how often that song goes through my head. Out of the blue..."Going insane, going against the grain, going mad." In some ways that makes sense...sounds like a definition of ministry at times! I just think lyrically, Larson really showed his brilliance in this song. As they go through some definitions of dance, film and anarchy so much if it I can relate to without being fully involved in any of that stuff because it is the "stuff" that bonds them together in community.

I try not to overthink the film all that much. I struggle a lot with the "no day but today" way of living life. Part of the song "Rent" says:

MARK
"The music ignites the night with passionate fire"

ROGER
"The narration crackles and pops with incendiary wit"

MARK
Zoom in as they burn the past to the ground

ROGER & MARK
And feel the heat of the future's glow
How do you leave the past behind
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out
"Til you're torn apart Rent!

Lines like that just jump out at me. I need to get Anthony Rapp's book about his journey. He said something in an interview (the web site? MTV? "The View?") about playing Mark and the parallels to being closed off from emotion the way Mark is on stage and screen. There is another line from a song that says, "I don't own emotion...I rent." Very often guilty as charged.

Speaking of which, I need to get ready to see Rob!

No Day But Today

If I lived in NY when I was in high school, I so would have been a "Renthead." There are times I DO feel guilty for liking this show...not so much the themes (maybe a little)...but the language. However, it is organic to the story and to their lives, so it makes sense.

As soon as I got off work yesterday it was straight to "Circuit City" to buy the DVD. The feature length story of Jonathan Larson and the show and now movie had me in tears. I remember the 1996 Tony Awards when "Rent" was so honored. The only song I really knew at the time was "Seasons of Love" and they sang "La Vie Boheme" on the awards show and I thought it was the strangest thing. Now, ten years later, I really, really get it. I probably would have got it back then...but I never had the chance to see it (with "Doogie Howser") in L.A. and anyway...none of that matters anymore. I have the movie and when it comes to town again...I am so there!

I goofed...

Here is the correct link for my Johari Window: http://kevan.org/johari?view=

I just corrected it again... if you still have trouble...

http://kevan.org/johari?view='neice's+window

If you cut and paste and then click on "contribute to 'neice's window you should get it. I am not sure what the problem is!

Anniversary Dates...

I think I figure if I actually put them out there, I'll begin to believe that it has been that long.

I just passed the 17 month mark of no purging. I almost blew it the other day. I don't binge and I was just eating lunch...but it was strange because I was for sure in that zone. I bought lunch from the deli at the grocery store and my first clue should have been what I bought. My second clue should have been the fact I didn't put my lunch on a plate...paper or otherwise. I generally eat on a "real" plate, even though my mom doesn't. I was part way through when it dawned on me what I was doing.

Tuesday will mark 16 months of no self harm. That battle is almost harder won when the urge strikes. It's easier to hide, it's over faster and I don't have to eat first! None are good reasons and neither is wanting instant relief from the "pressure cooker" feeling...but there are days that a harder than others. Of course there are days when it never enters my mind at all, but on the days when it does...it is hard to fight it at times. Take that back. It is hard to WANT to fight it at times. It appears to be the path of least resistance and on those days I find something else to do.

If I look at the big picture...I think it is getting easier. What I can't figure out is if it easier because I am white knuckling it or if it is a bit easier because the "need" isn't there anymore. Much of the time it feels as if it is the former. That's NOT a good thing.

Stupid Blogger!

There was a problem and I lost some posts. One was an update about my grandfather and I really don't want tp redo it. But I will...later.

Go here and help me out! A couple people saw it before the problems with Blogger...but I'd love to see what you have to say!

Grandfather's Surgery Tomorrow & "Stuff"

First off...have I mentioned how thrilled I am we finally have a Panera sort of near me? It is actually closer to the church, but I am thrilled to death we have one. There will be another one...less than a mile from the church in a few short weeks. This is one of the few things that I miss about the Midwest. Sort of weird it is actually FOOD related...but it was the only place I could buy sourdough bread. Can you believe it? I went to all the grocery stores in the area when I moved to Indiana that year and NONE of them carried my beloved sourdough. It took me a few months to realze that...duh...I could buy it from Panera. Okay, it's not like was I doing GOOD things with the bread either...but I generally kept down their soups and salads. It was a "safe" place for me to eat. That is probably why I missed it.

So, here I am...happily on free wi-fi and enjoying the calm before the storm. Toni will be thrilled to hear I ate a bagel when I see her in about an hour and a half. A little too early for their soup.

My grandfather has his surgery tomorrow. I have been pretty calm about it (I think), but when we were at "The Lion King," it sunk in a little more. He really liked it, but he was also a little distracted. He did his pre-op stuff yesterday and they told him we have to be back at the hospital by 5:30 AM. Not sure what time his surgery is scheduled though. I'll take a quick break to go see Rob and then back to the hospital. There is a chance they can do this OP...I am not holding my breath!

I almost wish I could bail on the ski trip...but I need to watch Lily and it will be fun to be with the high school group again. It is awesome how God works. I have no idea what is in store for me with YM in the long term. But for right now, in this moment...I LOVE being a volunteer again and am grateful for the chance to keep myself in the fray a bit.

I AM a Theatre Snob II

I think it started when I was in 5th grade. Once you reached 5th grade, you could go to the San Francisco Opera for their Kids Day. Part of the deal was getting dressed up. I got to go both in 5th and 6th grade and a theatre snob was born!

Part of me knows I am being way too picky about all of this...but it is the theatre...not some program in a school cafeteria! No torn jeans should be rule #1!!! I also realize "The Lion King" is a FAMILY show, but if your child's bedtime is before 8 PM or is shortly AFTER 8 PM...do not bring them to a performance with an 8:00 PM curtain! By the end of the first act they are really tired and when theyb start crying they are tired and want to go home, take them OUT of the theatre and into the lounge! Do we need to point out that all of us in our section shelled out $128 a ticket...not just YOUR family?

Sigh...

The Circle of Life...

I'll post more tomorrow when I get back from the VBS Showcase...but I will say that I enjoyed "The Lion KIng" tonight. I will also say I am SUCH a theatre snob!

I PROMISE...I Am NOT Making This Stuff Up!

If someone came to me (even someone I trusted) and told me what I have been sharing about my my grandmother and grandfather, I would begin to wonder if it was the truth. In the past several weeks how can ALL of this medical stuff be going on??? Well, they do say truth is stranger than fiction and this is the truth.

Updates:

1. My grandfather goes to get his arteries cleaned out and stents put in next Thursday.

2. He has put off his other appt. (he is having trouble sawllowing) until after the surgery.

3. My grandmother was supposed to have an EMG done on Monday. BUT...

4. Thursday she broke her wrist opening a bottle of juice and now has a soft cast up to her elbow.

I get they are getting "up there" in years. Well...my grandmother is 80 something...but my grandfather is only like 71.

Ugh. I also need to share some stuff about "abandonment" I need help with...but that will have to be later.

The New Food Plan

I saw Toni yesterday and she has had me keep a food journal. I hate it. I look at it and it seems like so much. She told me that no...it wasn't close. I can usually rattle off what I eat, but she wanted to see where it was lacking (not calorie wise because we know that...but actual food groups. Being the weirdo I am...it is fruit.

Fruit???!!!??? I know. I like fruit. I really do. Berries, mango, apples, pineapple, kiwi...I live in CA...we have great fruit! But, ask me to choose between a cucumber and an apple...I'll often go for the veggies.

So, in the next couple weeks I need to add a fruit, start taking a multi-vitamin and eat a meal between 11 AM and 2 PM. I am wating to hear back if that is a full meal or an "eating episode."

The one thing this has done has made me way calorie conscious. I used to know the content of anything I let pass through my lips...but have given that up for the ost part. Some things I still know...must I don't. So, I became a huge label reader last night. This is the "sick" part. I had a grilled tuna sandwich on wheat and a salad. Guess how many calories??? THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE!!! The healthy part of me says that 325 is actually on the low side for dinner especially when the only other thing I had was a non-fat white mocha all day. The ED part of me says I can no longer use mayo if I make tuna. I need to use mustard or honey mustard. No cheese (I only used it because I grilled the bread), no more grilling and no more "regular" dressing. How many calories can I cut?

Very eye opening and very helpful to see that. Now comes the choice. Do I make the sandwich I want or the one I "should" have?

"Stuff"

It's been a long week. Not a bad week...but a long week. Things are so hard in therapy. Rob is getting fed up and I don't blame him and I am trying...but I keep runnnig into these mental blocks I can't seem to get over. We are continuing to dialogue and I am trying hard to talk about the difficult things. I want to blame the whole thing on the fact I am not on meds and need them. But, I'm not so sure. I think I have been in this hole for so long now I am not sure what I was like with the meds.

We are getting ready to go forward with background checks for our volunteers at church. I know we need to do it and I am 100% behind it, but it is still going to be hard to tell these people I need to run a check on them.

For some reason I can't my head around two conflicting emotions existing in me at the same time. It makes no sense. I mean I look at what awesome things going on and the absolute joy it is to be working with our Jr. Highers and yet most days I am so disappointed I woke up..that I breathe...that I exist. The two just don't seem possible and yet it is. I admit it. They are both there but it doesn't make sense how or why. I think I shut down because I feel so dumb when I try to talk about this. I think I feel dumb because I only have Rob to talk about it with!

Yesterday he wondered if some of the problems I am having still don;t stem from fear that if I open up then either he'll leave his practice or I'll end up leaving because that has happened in the past. I told him that with the exception of every May when we tend to have this conversation...I don't think about it much. I need to think about it because he may be on to something. I was surprised last night as I was thinking about Marc how much it still hurts almost 6 years later. Greg? Not so much...but I do miss him at times.

Sigh...

Usually Not Triggered

When it comes to ED behaviors, it has always been my emotions or a stressful/emotional event that would trigger me...even good things. For example, youth group could go great and I'd think I "deserved" to engage in behaviors (like THAT makes sense) or it could go (IMHO) badly and I would "have" to engage in behaviors as punishment. Generally speaking, books, magazines, movies, etc. really have never triggered me. Last night was an exception.

After watching AI from the "City by the Bay," I was wathcing something else and during a break, went to see what the dogs were up to. My mom was watching a movie on Lifetime and I recognized it right away...before the girl even cut. I went back to the living room to watch the other program, but I kept switiching back and forth. For the first time in a long time it was very "moth to the flame-like." It took me a little while to let the urges pass and know that I don't have to act on them at all. I mean, as of last week I am 16 months purge free and 15 months SI free. However, in the darkness of my bedroom, it almost seemed worth it to give in.

I am not going to get graphic or anything...but a line from the movie stuck out last night. Someone asks the girl if it hurts when she cuts. She answers, "When I want it to." That rang so true to me and I think that was the trigger point. Not that I don't feel. As Rob has pointed out, it's that I don't allow myself to fully engage in the emotion. I downplay it, I do what I can to avoid it, etc. But, much of time time, I couldn't feel the cut until later.

Today is a new day and I have bigger things to ponder. I think Rob has had it with me and is going to suggest a break. I just need to get what is going on in my head out of my mouth.

Hmmm...Double Standard???

Okay, I know this is not the place for this...but I vented in the only other place I can vent and am still bugged. I saw this on a discussion of someone who may or may not have been part of the YS Boards. It cam from an Admin. of the board:

"No, it's not taboo. I'm just saying.........knowing that a couple of people have signed on here under new IDs from what they had at YS, perhaps some people are looking for a clean slate. I don't know if free_flying was a YS Forumite, nor do I care. What I do care about is that free_flying has found this community, and has elected to be a part of it, and for that, I am thankful, just as I am thankful for everyone else here."

Yet, when I signed up...this person PM'd me to tell me he wouldn't "out" me...for which I am grateful...but why does one person not have their IP looked at and ID'd as a former YS Forumite and others do not? That was why I almost didn't register and went through some pains to try NOT to be ID'd by the PTB at the other site. Someone else paid my $5 and sent it from a whole other state, I tried to use a program to hide my real IP, but I goofed when I registered (which was how I was found out) and after a few days I couldn't get on using the random IPs and since one person knew who I was I figured screw it...if the rest of team knows...so be it.

But it bugs me that all of a sudden there seems to be care about privacy when mine was so obviously violated. As I said, I am very thankful that the PTB have kept the promise not to out me...but seeing that post has me upset about it all over again!

%^$$^&*%#@!!!!!

There are times I wished I DID use bad language, because I would let a few words fly out of my mouth.

This is really nothing major, but in a week of the medical stuff with my grandparents, actually getting the guts to tell Rob I feel dead inside and just day to day stuff...the straws are piling up.

Yesterday I am buying a newspaper and a bottle of water and my check card wouldn't go through. I am cutting it close to pay day next week, but I had enough in there to cover that purchase. The clerk thought it could be a problem at my bank. So, off I go to the mall so I could see a movie. My card doesn't work at my bank ATM. I go inside and find out that my card has been blocked. I was like the 20th person to have this problem. It sounds as if someone hacked into the system and either put holds on the cards so they could use them and we couldn't...or it was caught and so no one could use the cards they blocked them. Ugh! So, they put a rush on my card and I hope to have it by Friday.

This morning my "Service Engine Soon" light came on. I don't think it is major, but I really can't pay for it. Well, I guess I'll cancel Rob. I was doing okay financially and I am not overspending, but I think I am still playing catch up from Christmas and my small cushion is gone.

And to think...today is only Wednesday!

Update: My gas cap was loose. And people say God has no sense of humor! :)

At Loose Ends

Everything seems so hard right now. The very act of getting out of bed is like a major accomplishment. But I get up, suck it up and go on with my day. I’m beginning to wonder why. Then I start beating myself up for it. I have no reason to feel as I do…or not feel as the case may be.

Even with the stress of what’s going on at work (and hey…I doubt there is anything as a stress free job so I know I’m not alone!)…I really love my job. As my SP and I were discussing the hiring of a new Youth Director I was so okay with it…I think I surprised myself. Okay, when the person comes in it will be awkward I admit, but what I felt God was telling me at NYWC still rings true so I know it wasn’t all in my own mind. Oh, and yesterday my SP stopped by my office before my regular morning stuff got started to clear the air about last week and to tell me that I’m doing fine and things are happening. I was happy to hear it and was a little pleased I was able to tell him that yes; I felt what happened was a little “schizo.” I know…not PC, but I put it out there anyway.

I am having fun with Junior High and the games are going over well. They are looking forward to the Presbytery Retreat and want to go! The Jr./Sr. High Ski Trip won’t be well attended by Jr. High, but that is no surprise. They said they wanted it, but it is an expensive trip and I think we’d rather see them go to the retreat anyway.

But, take away all that and I feel totally dead inside and disconnected. But, as I always say…I “shouldn’t” feel that way. How can I feel dead inside and yet claim to be a Christian at the same time. How can I feel dead inside? In makes no sense. I can hear Rob tell me that I need to accept what I am feeling and not judge it. In this case, it is very hard to do.

Then there are the health problems of some of my grandmother and grandfather. My grandfather has two blocked arteries in his neck. They are 60-80% and until he sees the vascular surgeon and there are more tests, we won’t know what the next step is. My mom thought 60% didn’t sound all that bad until I explained that meant there was at best only 40% blood flow through the arteries and at worst 20%. My grandmother had an MRI on her spine and legs last week and gets the results Wednesday. I’m not dealing with it very well (internally) and I feel so utterly alone. There no one to talk to on AIM and no one talks to me anymore so I am very timid about IMing anyone out of the blue anyway. Besides, what can I say? What can anyone do? I’m just dying to get to So Cal in April and spend time with friends…four months seems like an eternity, but it just about four months until my trip. I just need to make it until then.

Overwhelmed II

This whole playground thing is going to give me a headache. Yesterday I felt like my head was going to explode with the whole thing. The rules, the regulations, the options, etc.

Afterward, my SP tells me we need to move ahead with the Nursery Plan. I looked at him and said that I gave him a timeline the day before for what we will complete by the end of next month. While on Tuesday it is good enough...yesterday it was not. HOWEVER...when I don't know WHO is going to be the new Facilities chair there is nothing I can do. I need to know who can go buy some items, who can install them, do we have to go outside the church, etc.

Oh...and then there is the fact I am PT and have "normal" day to day stuff I need to get done. I don't think anyine realizes I am (right now anyway) exepcted to do FT work in a PT schedule. I know if bring that up I will be told I can quit.

Stop the world...I wanna get off!

Overwhelmed...

I feel overwhelmed, but I am not sure how much of it is reality. I look at deadlines, activities, projects and think there is no way it gets done. But, God always seems to give me the time I need to get it done and no matter how my insides feel...there is that peace that tells me that I can stress all I want...but He is in control and I can rest in that.

I am already in partial VBS mode as well as Nursery refurbishment mode, Jr. High mode and who in the heck can I get to sub this week mode! I also have to remember that neither God nor my SP have told me I need to take everything that happened in our 1:1 and get it done right this second! It's my need to overachieve and to prove my worth that drives me to get it all done (and "perfectly") "right now." I need to let that part play out (and not fight it) while at the same time realize that not getting it all done by tomorrow does not mean I am a loser, underachiever nor a slacker.

Now all I have to do is really believe that even if I don't complete things within 24 hours that is OK.

%%$^%#%^&!!!!

I had written a really long post about me and black and white thinking and then our DSL connnection went "poof" for a a couple minutes and I lost it. Grrr...

I'll post again when I can rewrite it. I hate when that happens!!!

But for now...I will leave you with mt "Rent" lyrics of the day:

ROGER
Who Who, Mark, Are You?
"Mark Has Got His Work"
They Say "Mark Lives For His Work"
And "Mark's In Love With His Work"
Mark Hides In His Work

MARK
But From What?

ROGER
From Facing Your Failure, Facing Your
Loneliness
Facing The Fact You Live A Lie
Yes, You Live A Lie - Tell You Why

You're Always Preaching Not To
Be Numb
When That's How You Thrive
You Pretend To Create And Observe

When You Really Detach From Feeling
Alive

MARK
Perhaps It's Because I'm The One Of Us
To Survive

Playground Progress

I am at my desk trying to get motivated to go downstairs and make copies! I really do like my job and don't mind the "grunt" work that goes with it...I am just really tired. But, today is a good day for us!

A consultant is coming out today to look at our now defunct playground. The equipment (partially shown in the picture) cannot be put back in after the Capernaum Project building project is done. It won't be safe, won't be up to code, etc. So, I have someone from Grounds for Play coming out to look at the space, talk about our needs, etc. I know she will help with budgeting, etc.

You'd Think They Won the Super Bowl!

Sorry I haven't updated since the game. On my way to get my grandfather I just missed having a huge tree crash down on my car. In the less than 5 minutes it took to drive through the intersection, get my grandpa and be off again, a 3 ft. in diameter tree fell (we were having a storm...lots of wind...nothing compared to Napa though) across all of Meridian Ave. When I dropped him off the tree was still there and when I got home we had no electricity and no heat. This went on for 30 hours!

The game was a lot of fun...even in the rain! However, the 49ers being the 49ers, we never saw them too much at our end of the field! Thankfully, the jumbotron was in fine condition! Getting to see Alex Smith finally throw a TD pass and to watch Nedney in action was a wonderful thing.

One guy called out (not that anyone but those around him could hear) to Alex Smith, "Put stick'em on your hands and keep it there!" There is talk of Smith's small hands, but Rich Gannon says that Smith's hands dwarf his. Who knows? I, for one, am glad he can run, but there were those around me who "don't want another Steve Young." Hmmm....they are nuts! Each first down meant much rejoicing in the stands! Kind of sad when there are celebrations that we managed a 1st down...but celebrate we did!

Some bozo decided to come in their Oakland Raider gear. He stayed pretty quiet for most of the game. Maybe it was the beer, but he finally began causing problems and baited two 49er fans into a "heated debate." Next thing we know, the police are escorting all three men out. Then there was the guy who showed up in a Green Bay jacket. He was already on his way out when he got into a shouting match with another 49er faithful.

The rain wasn't too bad until toward the end. If there had been double OT we might have left. As we were walking to the car the sky really opened up and it poured all the way home. The newspaper said there were 30,000 there from the start and 20,000 by the time the game ended. That made getting out of the parking lot so much easier. I went to StubHub.com to buy a parking pass and that was the best thing I could have done. If I knew how to get from the Bayshore Caltrain station to the game we probably would have done that instead of driving...but I was clueless.

I loved being able to go to a practice and am so glad I made it to one game this year. Tickets are so expensive! If the 49ers were doing well there would have been no way I would have been able to get 2 tix for less than the price of one on eBay. And, though we were in the end zone, if I had the $$ to buy regular priced tickets why would I want to sit in UR?

Okay, I need to get back to work! I have a brochure I need to finish for our 4th-5th grade camp! :)

Faithful is...

...seeing a 49er football game that means nothing in the pouring down rain! I can't wait!!!

I got 2 tix for the 49er game from eBay. They may be in the end zone...but they are Lower Box seats and having sat there before...the seats are really pretty good. I'm just excited to go to a game...of course it would be nice if they were playing a team other than Houston and have it mean something...but I can't wait to go!!!

Christmas...I finally got an iPod!! My mom got me a black 4 GB Nano and wrapped it in a bag in a bag in a box in a huge box. I was beginning to wonder because it was the only thing I asked for.

I also got a $50 gift card for Berean Christian Store and 7 matinee tix for the Century theaters! My grandma knows me well!

Hmmm...

I fully support the fact that therapists and dietitians need and deserve ample time off. However...why does it have to be during one of the most difficult times of the year??

Actually, for Toni I wouldn't see her next week anyway because I just saw her today and I see her every other week. However, since January 2nd is a holiday it will be a full two weeks before seeing Rob. I know I'll be fine, I know I don't absolutely have to see him...but two weeks feels like two years right now. But, I think it is food related.

Food continues to stink. My energy level is okay, I can function...but there are some physical signs that I know signal some problems. I've had some leg cramping (on a regular basis...not just once in a blue moon), dizziness and limbs falling asleep and Toni is afraid there could be some slight electrolyte imbalances. I maintain that since I have been purge free for 15 months that cannot be the case. Anyway, she nixed my plans to go back to the gym next week because she's afraid of what could happen with my heart and I need to get my calories up. I hate knowing what I'm doing and wanting to just eat...but I am finding it so hard.

Earlier I asked my mom what we were having for dinner and she said we could just eat bread (we ordered bread from Boudin Bakery for my Aunt & Uncle on her side and they sent the order to us...they will now send the order to them...no charge since they messed up)since we have two big meals coming up this weekend. I am making pork tenderloin with mashed potatoes and broccoli tomorrow and then we are getting a Honeybaked Ham and I am making a couple side dishes for Christmas. She still does not get it. She is also the one on me because I am NOT eating the junk food we have around the house from my baking/candy making.

I had to pick up my PCOS meds and decided that I had to eat something...yesterday was a Jr. Popcorn at the movies. So, tears streaming down my face I went to Whole Foods and picked some stuff up. Then she tells me, "I wouldn't spend that much money on food." I am thinking if I didn't it wouldn't matter if I wanted to eat or not because if I didn't buy food...we would live on Coke and bagels. So, I ate and my mood has picked up a little bit. Gee...that should clue me in! I know that I know this...but how do you eat when you have NO interest in food at all?

Hanging On...

I STILL want to talk about the Lock-in...but I know if I don't talk about the other stuff, I can continue to hide all of it (not that it is bad or anything) from everyone other then Rob and Toni.

I will say this...last weekend was one of the rare moments where I felt my best was "good enough." Those moments are few and far between and it's youth ministry so the night wasn't "perfect," but the effort that I put in for the things I was in charge of, the things I helped my SP with and the time I spent with the kids was my best effort and it was enough...for them (I think...everyone had fun), for my SP and most important for me. Nothing earth shattering happened, no big revelation moment...other than being so very thankful to God for allowing me to gain work with students in any capacity. I love my Junior Highers!

The biggest thing right now is my food struggle. I'm not purging (in fact as of this weekend I am 15 months purge free!), I never binge, but the act of eating is becoming more and more difficult. Last Saturday my mom took me out to dinner and I ate (way too much), Tuesday was our staff lunch and I actually had dessert...but my caloris the rest of the week probably don't add up to 1/2 of one of those meals. I try to stay off the scale. It's not good for me. But, after last week, I had to see how much weight I gained. Ummm...I lost another pound and a half.

In most circles this is a GOOD thing. Having PCOS makes it very hard to lose weight and to see almost 12 pounds come off with no exercise plays with my head. I belong to a gym...but I reinjured my knee slipping on some oil in a parking lot so Toni said no gym for a couple weeks and then lately I have just been lazy/have no energy. But now I am chomping at the bit to go back next week.

So, even in my "beached whale" state...that much weight loss (no matter how needed) in this short a period of time is not really a good thing for me. People noticing isn't helping either.

In my head I keep saying, "ENOUGH!" I know where this can lead...heck, I keep looking at posters for "X-Men 3" and thinking this time I will not be at Remuda when the movie comes out! I was there both times the other two movies were released. Not that I am close to ven that being on the radar nor would it even be a possibility if things were that bad...but it seriously is a motivator.

Toni thinks part of this may be my standard when good stuff happens I throw all my energy into that and so food/hydration suffer. Part of me being a perfectionist and not knowing how to let my best effort be enough. Rob and I started talking about that again. I told him I hate being an overacheier, but I don't know how to NOT ne one or what it would mean to set that aside. It also dawned on me how much of a black & white thinker I am in many areas...mainly about me...not others. Like if I am not trying to overachieve than I am a failure.

Basically, I am getting my behind kicked in my session with Rob and I think the food slide is all part of that as well. The more Rob is really pressing (as he should be) me to dig deep with all these statements I make...the more I feel my internal world in chaos and how do I stop the madness? With more madness by restricting.

I meet the "little kids" in a few hours to go see "Narnia." It'll be the 2nd time for a couple of us and I am looking forward to seeing it again. Now that I have seen it and looked for accuracy, I can sot back and just let the movie be the movie! I read "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" long before I ever became a Christian (well...3 years or so) and really look at it from a literary standpoint. I can draw parallels as well as the next person, but I don't expect the movie to be the newest Christian "superstar." The movie has that value...of course it does...but it's loved by people of all walks of life and I want to lose myself in that part of it...to see it through the eyes of my little kindergartner (who is attending with his dad was well) who is also a huge Harry Potter fan...to see it through the eyes of my 5th graders and one of my 2nd graders who is attending her first Kids Day Out since coming to our church from Cameroon.

My plan is to bring water with me. Sorry, I refuse to pay $4 for a bottle of water. And if they have pretzel bites, indulge in those!

Quick Check-In

I want to write a real update...but things are busy. In no particular order:

1. Lock-in was great! We all had a lot of fun and can't wait until the next one!
2. Taking the K-5th graders (well...a few of them) to see "Narnia" Saturday.
3. I'm having a hard time pulling out of the slide I'm in...but am emailing my intake to Toni. Yesterday's staff lunch went OK...though I came close to having a panic attack trying to read the menu.


More later!

The Other Stuff

I started this blog (thanks Gman!) on a suggestion and as much as it truly is about the many, many, MANY up and downs about recovery...with YM coming back into my life there has been a lot of Jr. High stuff as well as, of course, Children's Ministry stuff as it should be!

But, my dieitian said somethig to me a couple weeks ago that got me to thinking. We were talking about my reasons for going into major restrict mode and besides feeling Rob took some control away from me, she thinks that I pour so much into the good things that are going on in my life, that I ignore ME and my basic needs (food & water). I think she has a point. Unfortunately, even knowing all this, eating is such a HUGE battle these days. I do it and on a good day I may even hit 1,000 calories, but there have been days I have been close to tears during and after an "eating episode." I really need to snap out of it!

Lock-In Countdown...

The Jr. High Lock-In is Friday night! My first lock-in in over three years! I think it is going to be fun. My SP and I are planning a great night. Pizza, "Narnia," games, marshmallow guns, Communion, video games, etc., etc. I love being a volunteer again and even got a thank you email from one of the parents! My SP and I are going to meet tomorrow to pund out the final details and then spend Friday AM turning one of my SS rooms into Narnia. We are taking some ideas from the last "Group" and from Narnia Resources and adpating them for us. Neither were totally thrilled with all the stuff out there, but there is enough to get the point across without pounding it all into their heads!

It's been fun to work with my SP in this capacity. I think it helps all the way around. Oh, and he liked my Nursery/Toddler Room plan! Now, I have to do a floor plan and time line! Ugh! It can get done...it WILL get done...but it is an "ack" moment for me!

LOSER...

This is SO lame. But, I want a real Christmas tree in the worst way. But, I'll be lucky if I make it to my next paycheck (I'll have to cancel Rob and Toni next week I think). I normally don't care and haven't had a tree in ages, but I think that is why I want one. My mom is content with the rather cute fake one I bought her a gfew years ago...but I miss having a real one.

I know the solution, but I do look for other PT jobs and nothing has panned out and I really don't want to leave the job I'm in and really don't feel God is telling me to move on. My schedule (having to be at church on Sunday) really impacts people wanting to hire me...plus not ever having a "normal" job...ever.

Last night was the tree lighting at church. We have this huge tree on our front lawn and for the past 12 years it has been the SHPNA site for the neighborhood tree lighting. Two school choirs performed and one of our handbell choirs. Then they head outside for the lighting and then back inside for visits with Santa and cookies. Sweet event...but the way parents were treating their kids just made my heart break.

I try to stay focused on why we are even celebrating Christmas...but there is something absilutely shattered inside me...that has been shattering since October if I'm honest about it. The 1/2 hour exercise that Rob is having me do is proving to be as scary as I thought it would be and is going places that I have been trying to avoid. Fun, fun!

Peeking Out...

...from my hidey hole!

I talked about it last week and then have been in total surface "stuff" mode. This is always a clear indication that things aren't great. They aren't. I am having a very hard time fighting back. It's not like things are horrendous or that I am even losing weight, because I'm not. However, when my mom is playing Food Police I know things have reached a not so good place. She is questioning me like crazy and at least it forces me to eat my one meal. Heck, I even made fajitas last night so how bad can I really be?

I know what prompted it. I posted about it last week. Rob wants to talk to my mom's therapist and eventually my mom in for a family session. But, he has always said that it would be my timing and he is concerned about the fallout since I'd have to go back home with her. I thought that was the end of it...at least for a few weeks. The next time I came in he gave me a release to sign so he and Jann could speak. Fine. I signed it and then told my mom about it as Jann would be asking her to sign one as well.

My next session, Rob was frustrated with me (so what else is new?) and makes some comment that if HE hadn't done all the work then this never would have been done. I let that sit and didn't say much...I let the ED speak for me ever since and now it won't shut up! Anyway, as I was looking at the emails I sent him, I actually must have said something to him in our session because I emailed him later to assure him that I wasn't mad at him...just confused about the whole thing. He did apologize a couple of times and I did tell him that ever since I have been in "default" mode because of the "control" issues.

We've talked about how much I have been reading over the last 2-3 weeks. I read a lot normally, but lately it has been in overdrive. I know why. I told him why. I am avoiding something/some feeling and that is the way to do it. I came into the "Harry Potter Frenzy" late (i.e. three weeks ago) and have read all six books, a bunch of Beverly Lewis books among others. I know...not heavy nor important reading, but when you are burying yourself in books in order to avoid something that is best.

So, between now and Monday I am supposed to take a 1/2 hour alone. No music, no TV, no computer, no reading material...nada. The purpose of this is for me to be able to be still and try to connect with my feelings. I told him a couple weeks ago that this is why my therpaist the first time I was Remuda would not let me read. I must have told her when I first got there that I was a voracious reader and she realized if she let me read (most people were assigned a book or two while there) I'd isolate and/or read to avoid my feelings.

The 2nd anniversary of my mom's last suicide attempt is coming up and I think that also plays into the food/sleep thing. This is another reason why Rob wants me to do this. Sounds weird, but it scares me to death. I am really nervous about having to do this. How silly is that?