I Gave In...NO! Not That!

I made my mother sit down across from me and not get up, not move (except to me info I needed)or anything until we were done with the application. We think we figured out where "I" (she) goofed. There is a question about being turned down by another Albertson's in the last 6 months. She really wasn't...she had a "pre-interview" type thing with someone at another store who had no business doing that so she had me answer "yes" the first time. This time we changd it and we'll see it happens. She outright lied on a couple questions ("I never say anything that hurts people," "I never swear when I argue")...but "whatever."

My mom tends to "apologize" with things or whatever. She took me out to sinner last night. Like that solved anything, but I went.

Yesterday morning she said she was selling the house and moving to Arizona. She thinks she'll like it. She has been there ONCE...for a week...SIX years ago for my Family Week. Okay, I love it myself...a lot...but I am not sure she'd like it as much as she thinks she would.

I have had a ton of chances to give in and I haven't and I have to admit...I am actually a little happy about that one.

However, VBS is going to send me over the edge! Not really...but close enough. I need one more station leader (we start three weeks from tomorrow) and no one says yes. High School Mission Project my foot! I think FIVE high school kids are helping...out of close to 20. If I hadn't been told (told...not asked) they were ALL going to help I wuld have recruited for this AGES ago. I have been trying for the last month. All I got at church today was, "Good luck."

UGH!

Thanks to Friar Tuck...I bring you these quizzes!

You Are Ned Flanders

A good neighbor and a devout Christian, you are a community leader. And you are called to make the world a better place, especially for left handed people. You will be remembered for: your goofy expressions - "hi-dilly, ho-dilly!" Your life philosophy: "I've done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!"

The Simpsons Personality Test

You Are Sunshine

Soothing and calm You are often held up by others as the ideal But too much of you, and they'll get burned You are best known for: your warmth Your dominant state: connecting

What Type of Weather Are You?

You are lettting her rotten mood and behavior affect your life. Only you can let her win.

I know when people say that they are well meaning…and they are right. But quite honestly, when you are trying to keep from ripping your skin to shreds and barfing a lung…it doesn’t help at all. Especially when what Rob and I have been dealing with is me not thinking I should even be allowed it exist because of what I have been told growing up.

It’s no secret that ever since I was little and my mom tried to kill herself the FIRST time that I have tried to stay out of her way and try not to give her reason to try again. My grandmother constantly reminded me that as long as I was around my mom would never be happy and no one would ever want to marry her. She kept trying to get me to come and live with her so my mom could have a life…a “REAL” life. It has always been very obvious that my mom had me because she had no choice…no matter what she has said; you can’t tell me that some of the stuff she has pulled shouts that she wanted to be a mom. One way I feel incredibly blessed, however, is the fact that none of the merry go round of men I had to deal with until I was in high school ever touched me. Okay, that came later with someone else…but at least she seemed to have enough sense to pick out men that weren’t complete losers.

The physical abuse is something I have dealt with much easier than the emotional/verbal abuse. I guess because eventually I grew taller than she. However, when she is mad…the woman can pack a wallop. You should see the hole in my wall she put there on my 16th birthday because she was upset I asked her to drive a friend home after church. This means that the family I went to church with would take us (as usual) and my mom would have to drive her less than 5 miles home. My guess I was in Jr. High when she quit hitting me.

All this to say…it still has not 100% sunk in that I deserve better because I don’t think I do. If I did…why would she do what she does? Lately I have been asking God why He has never let the ED take me or why He just doesn’t let me choose my own way out. There are days I don’t think I am going to escape with my sanity anymore.

My mom has her Unemployment Benefits appeal Thursday. In the mean time, she was told in a letter she had to continue to fill out claim forms because if she wins the appeal that is the only way she will get back benefit checks. Somehow, she thought I told her she had to bring them with her TO the appeal or they could wait until afterward. Ummm…no. She never bothered to read the letter herself. Okay, in a sane moment I know that is NOT my fault. But sanity doesn’t take place much in my house and it became my fault. That was yesterday.

Today she comes home and tells me she doesn’t have a job yet and it’s my fault. The applications ask all these questions…kind of like a mini-psycho/social evaluation. I guess some of the answers raised red flags and she didn’t get an interview. But, if she changes them she could have another shot. My mom is computer illiterate and I have had to do the applications for her. However, she never sits with me to do them. On this last one, she wouldn’t sit and answer them (about 100) because she already did it and I knew the answers. Fine…I answered them. Truthfully, if they are going to give the questions that much weight…she won’t get hired anyway.

I finally told her she had to do it herself…even if she had to hunt and peck at the keys. That was the wrong thing to say. So she calls a friend who will go to the store and do it with her. She tells her friend that I don’t have the time to do it and basically don’t care. She then stormed off with one of the dogs.

This absolutely confirms everything I keep telling Rob and I want to engage in behaviors because I really want to do something even more destructive. I was going to leave the house, but I wanted to talk to him first…just to get grounded a bit. I waited too long. She came home and now I am living the Silent Treatment. Against my better judgment, I made dinner as planned and actually ate. She refused to eat any of it.

This is so much more than letting her bad mood get to me. I see it as just further evidence on why I shouldn’t exist. I didn’t/haven’t given in to behaviors though. The thing is, I am not doing it for me. Rob finally called me and told me to, “Hang in there.” So, for him I’ll hang in there. For me…it’s keeping away from the blade.

I Hate, Loathe and Despise Food...

That title isn't even that close to an understatement. If I had the choice...I wouldn't eat. I know I DO have the choice...but I mean the choice without the inevitable ramifications of not eating.

I started breakfast almost 2 1/2 hours ago. I am getting ready to eat the banana now. I had a bran muffin about 7:15 this morning. I am really losing steam with this whole thing. I trashed my cottage cheese yesterday. It has nothing to do with it being cottage cheese. I LIKE the stuff. It had more to do with it being food. Since this whole eating three times a day is again a relatively new concept for me...I am really sticking with "safe foods" for breakfast: the muffins, fruit and cottage cheese. It's odd...if this was going to be my ONLY meal of the day...I'd branch out, but it's not so I reign it all in and do what is safe.

One wold think that after almost two weeks of this so called "normalcy," the roar of hunger would die down. Not so much. I think that is the worst part of all of this. I knew Toni would be thrilled with the fact...thakfully she also realizes that I am NOT and that I could stop without warning. I honestly hate the fact that I get hungry. I think it is insulting that I should be hungry. How warped is that? I do understand it is because I think I don't deserve food/nourishment, but understanding it and living with the tension are two different things. Please, please, please don't list reasons why I DO deserve food...it'll be nothing TOni hasn't told me and truly nothing I don't already know in my head...it's the journey to the rest of my body that I need to figure out for myself.

I have really struggled with the comments about me being "wonderful." I want to fight back with the "you don't know me other than through my blog/YS/YMX," "you read only what I write and you have no idea what I am like from day to day," etc. But, I am saying thank you. It's nice to hear when I am in a place that I don't get to hear it very often...other than Rob. He doesn't count...he gets paid!

Due to the holiday, I only get to see Rob twice this week. I miss it mainly because of the momentum. It can be hard to pick up where we left off when we go a whole week. Heck, I haven't eve emailed him or called him. Then again, I only call him to pass along American Idol info (i.e. if the results show was going to run over...his family had missed stuff because it ran a minute or two over), the latest sports talk, etc. I don't think I have called him for a "real" reason in ages. This is a good thing. We have about seven weeks before his annual vacation. That gives us lots of time.

Back to work!

The Problem with Eating...

1. The "Mom" Factor: After dinner and a snack last night...I was fine. Okay, I was still hungry...but I wasn't going to eat anything. I had three "eating episodes" yesterday and I was done. She was still hungry. I kept offering to make her something and she says, "If you aren't going to eat...neither am I." UGH! UGH! UGH!

2. The food itself: I am not used to eating so much. Okay, "so much" still isn't my full meal plan...but close enough. I hit a wall with breakfast yesterday, but it's been better this morning. After I am done with the muffins in the fridge...time to change things up.

3. "Control Freak:" Since I started this "listen to what Toni is telling me" thing...I have become really rigid with it. Not so much my meal times (i.e. I have been eating b'fast for almost an hour) as when I can start, when my last meal is, when I can have my night time snack, etc. This could be a problem.

4. Weight Loss: Yes, this is a GOOD thing...but the problem is what I have dropped in the last week. It really plays with my head. Now that I am getting my metabolism up and running...I want to figure out a way to rev it up even more to accelerate the loss more.

Then I take step back...

This is NOT about food or weight. Well, it is about food as far as me getting back on track for the first time since who knows when...but at the core of all this has very little to do with food and weight.

I blame Rob! ;) No, it really has to do with the work I am doing in therapy and anting to avoid the painful stuff.

A benefit of eating well for the last week has been being able to focus better in sessions. Not that I don't lapse into silence or that a "zillion" thoughts don't go through my head when he asks me something...but I am able to track with him better.

A HUGE problem/roadblock for me has been that I have been told that all I need to do (well...partially and not by Rob) is post some affirmations, read them all the time and that will change my thinking about me. Okay, I think that works for some people. I am not one of those people. We talked a lot about that yesterday.

We took the phrase, "I'm not good enough" and broke it down a little. For me, the phrse comes down to something that has been inrained in me since I was little kid. We talked about how that had to come from somewhere. That was an easy one...my mom and grandmother. Then he hit the nail on the head...it's more than just knowing it. It's delving into the emotions of it and grieving it and all that psychobabble that is very accurate. As I left his office and got to my car (it always works this way) it dawned on me that that is SO hard because I think I don't DESERVE to have any feelings over my childhood. Why? Number one...I am still convinced I deserved what I got and number two...many, many, many others have been through so much worse.

With the holiday Monday I won't see him until next Thursday, but I know we are going to have to dive into all this.

THE GOOD THING ABOUT NOT HAVING A REALLY BAD PROBLEM WITH EATING...

The new X-Men opens today!!! This is the first of the three movies where I won't be at Remuda! In 2000 I didn't see it until I got home in September and in 2003 I got to see it in Chandler...but not opening day! Woo hoo!

Who Knew?

Who knew that alomst a week of eating at least twice and at times THREE times a day would be a good thing? Yes, I knew that, but I like to IGNORE that little tidbit most of the time.

Back in 2000, I remember telling a friend of mine as we were coming back from Bible Study at Remuda, "Amazing what a difference it makes when you eat three meals a day for three weeks and keep it all down." My energy level (duh) is up and I am starting to sleep a little better. And I am focusing a little better than I have been.

I still hate every minute of it...but I am doing it. Plus, I want to go back to the gym. I think I will feel a little less guilty going if I am eating better. That is part of the deal...I need to eat to go. And, I know between the PCOS and the ED my metabolism needs to get revving again. That is one reason why breakfast is a must-do. However, here I am four hours later and I am STARVING. Grrr... I had two of my RR recipe bran muffins (they are good...believe me) and a cup of fat free milk and I "shouldn't" be hungry. Yet here we are!

One of the hardest things about all of this is my mom. So what else is new? But, more than just my mom it is her wanting to diet. In the 12+ months of being on SDI and now out of work period...she has gained a lot of weight for her barely 5 foot frame. I think a lot could be solved if a) she gets a job and b) she quits drinking Coke. Now, I don't drink the diet stuff...but I bet for every 6 she drinks I drink 1...maybe even .5. It is almost like a competition...who can eat less. I usually can win that one...but I really don't want to get sucked into that one.

So, I will cook and it is up to her if she wants to eat my meals or not.

Hi...Bye!

Sorry for the lack of posting. There are a million things going on and no time to do it all. I am busy here trying to get all my slots filled for VBS, working on getting the Nursery/Toddler Room project finished, plugging along on the playground, putting the finishing touches on our Jr. High calendar, figuring out what I am for sure doing with the kids this summer. We are stopping SS for children through High School, but I have to offer child care which means I won't get the break I was hoping for.

Then there is all the therapy gunk...but that's a whole other story.

I also have to eat breakfast. Can I tell you how much I hate it? I've done well...only missed one day since Friday...but I hate, hare, HATE it. I know why I need to do it and I agree with why I need to do it, but I just have doing it. However, it comes down to choice. I am choosing to do it and that is a good thing, but ugh!

Practicing Good Enough

I started this post yesterday and I lost it. I am going to try again.

This year when I went to PDCM, Craig Jutila (Children's Pastor) didn't start off with some PD nuts and bolts...he began with "Do the Little Things That Make the Little Difference That Makes the Big Difference." They were small "tidbits" that while from the outside may not seem like there is a change...but internally you will know. Craig included things such as "Rejoice in the Lord," "Control the Climate," "Carry a Mirror, "Floss Daily," and finally..."Practice Good Enough." He unpacked thaone because he knew people would be stunned. It hit me between the eyes.

He talked about what he meant and what he didn't mean. But, as I told Rob, I am not sure I would know "good enough" if it came up and slapped me! The bottom line was, "Give yourself permission to do the best you can with what you've got." God has a sense of humor. This has come at the "best" time.

As I have talked about, I am in the middle of two (three if you count VBS) big projects at our church. One is the complete refurbishing of the Nursery/Toddler Room. This is more than just a coat of paint (which will be completed on the 27th). It has been writing policies, putting in better safety procedures, background checks, etc. It has meant new furniature, new toys, completing redoing the changing room (the building was built in the days of cloth diapers...the changing rooms were set up for that and have never been changed...they had an interesting method of disposing "solid waste."), adding a dishwasher to sanitize tiys, training a volunteer team, etc.

The second is a new playground. We have been renting office space to a division of YL for several years. They are building their own building right behind us. To make this happen, they had to tear down our existing playground. That playground was 25+ years old. We can't put the equipment back up, they have torn up some of our concerete, etc. They have said they will help with the costs. Anyway, we began this process in February and it is slow going. The playground is designed, I think our Session is 99.9999% behind it and we are even talking about an expansion.

All this is not being completed by me alone. I have teams, elders, etc. on board. But, I have no control over some of this (i.e. one of the elders is has had to travel for work for months now) and I am really having to accept doing the best I can with what I have available at this moment. The good thing is my SP realizes this and is cool with it.

Even with VBS my success is not being evaluated on numbers (he said he sees I have done all I can do publicity wise), but on how well trained the volunteers are. That is actually not a bad thing. I'll take that over the numbers game every time.

As I have been spinning with this and Rob and I have been talking about it...it came down to the core issue...not feeling like I am good enough. He just HAD to throw that in to the mix. He's right though.

Anniversary Part 2

I am really not dwelling on the whole thing. But this time of year it really does play out in my mind a lot. Today has been a good day so far. I am waiting for my mom to get home and then it is off to the grandparent’s house for lunch…most of which I cooked. I am a culinary genius. I may feel stupid and worthless 98% of the time…but the 2% that is in the kitchen is NOT dumb at all. Rob says from time to time I should change careers…but then I think the love I have for it and the joy I get from it would be gone. Doug said that what I do in the kitchen for others IS a ministry and “going pro” may take away from that. Not to mention the fact I can’t afford culinary school.

LATER:

So, while most of the day was fine…the end wasn’t so great. My mom is out of work and that’s all I am going to say about that. *Rolls Eyes* Anyway, she has an interview Tuesday and she wanted to make another dry run so she knows where she is going. If she EVER has to take a behind the wheel test again…she’ll flunk. Not only was she constantly going under the speed limit, she made and illegal left turn and when I told her she needed to get in the right lane to turn onto the street we needed to go home…she got into the LEFT lane. Once I finally got her to go into the right lane (she yelled at me and I told her it wasn’t my fault she can’t tell her left from her right) she almost gets us killed because she STOPS in between the two lanes and then tries to change over with a car coming on our right side. She told me she is never going to go anywhere in the car with me again. Not a problem. Unless we are going to my grandparent’s house, I am NOT getting into a car with her unless I drive.

Six years seems like a lifetime ago. In some ways I feel like a totally different person but in others I feel just as messed up as I did then. I think what scares me about that day is how impulsive I was. It never really occurred to me to NOT take a bunch of pills. Then I compare it to my last really serious bout with suicidal ideation and it’s like night and day. The last time I had plans, I knew what, had an idea when, etc. I think six years ago was a reaction to what was going on with Marc leaving, my declining physical and emotional health and just wanting it all to stop.

I’m exploring the whole “good enough” aspect of my life and it’s been interesting. I have realized that perfection would probably not be “good enough.” I have no idea what good enough is because I always feel that my best could be better and that there is something more I could do/should do/have to do/need to do. But I also know I am going to either burnout and/or relapse if I can’t get “good enough” through my thick head!

Heck…my mom said today I don’t need to eat. Maybe she’s right. This is a HUGE problem right now. As good as my So Cal trip was and as much as I was ready to come home…I think it triggered the beginnings of a depressive episode. For the first time in a LONG time I can actually tell. This is a good thing.

Anniversary Part I

So, here I am again. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. The dates have lined up just as they did back in 2000. Mother’s Day fell on a Sunday. The 17th fell on a Wednesday.

I know. I write about this every May, but this year it didn’t it me until Wednesday how the dates were lining up!

On May 14, 2000, I made a half-hearted suicide attempt. I am not sure if it was half-hearted as much as sense got knocked into me before I was able to do any damage to myself. Two days before that, May 12th, I had my next to last appointment with Marc. He knew I was on shaky ground. We talked about it. I was very open with him about how many pills I had and that I had spent a lot of time counting them. Each session he asked me if I was safe and I told him yes. That afternoon I lied. Then I got to The Block to go see a movie and called to tell him I lied. I lied, but that day I really thought I was going to be as fine as was possible at that point.

I think was just emotionally and physically spent. I was hardly keeping food down, he was leaving in a few days and it all seemed totally pointless. Robbie didn’t even know how bad things were. Well, physically he did because he was afraid I was going to pass out on him during our morning walks, but I never let on to the other stuff. My guess was he was stunned when I called to tell him I was in the Psych ward.

On the morning of the 14th I got up, went to church, served with the 5th and 6th graders and came home. I called my mom and grandmother to wish them Happy Mother’s Day, took a nap, got up and took a few too many Prozac. It’s weird because I realized on the way to church I had forgotten to take my meds and had just planned to take them later. “Them” being one pill…singular…not what I ended up taking. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to do. Just as I was getting ready to take a second handful the sense got knocked into me. It really didn’t do enough damage, but after IMing with some people from Something Fishy, they talked me into going to the ER. Luckily, they let me go after the Psych consult.

Drive by Posting!

I want to sit and write a long post, but I don't have time right now. I have to get my VBS BB completed and then I have a meeting with our playground consultant to talk about a possible expansion to what we have already planned.

Not that I let stuff slide, but it is amazing that being gone 9 days has had such an impact on "stuff." But, I think it has more to do with my PT status rather than being a flake. It also just dawned on me that I think I am trying to make up for that time by working like a madwoman.

Sunday we had an impromptu water fight with Jr. High. That was sooooooo much fun! I think mainly because it was unplanned. Jr. High is small...we had a whopping THREE kids show up! In about three weeks that will change. We will go from a 3-4 average to about double with the new kids moving up. It's hard to plan...but I love it anyway! We all had fun and the parents were fine with it. This, as we all know, is a GOOD thing.

It was a rough start with Rob when I got back...but we are back on track. Which, in the world of "fun," is NOT even on the planet. Big picture it is a GOOD thing...I think.

Lately he has been forgetting to ask me the questions about using behaviors and he remembered at the tail end yesterday. I have been tempted to ask him to skip that part and trust me to tell him if I slip. Honestly? Not sure if that would happen. Maybe in a few months. I really like having that accountability.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a multi dimensional wonderland, with many layers. You're the type that always has multiple streams of though going. And you can keep these thoughts going at any time. You're very likely to be engaged in deep thought - and deep conversation.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

You Are 30% Weird

Not enough to scare other people... But sometimes you scare yourself.

How Weird Are You?

I (A Meme)

I was tagged by Ryan.

I AM: Director of Chilidren's Ministry, a Jr. High volunteer and a member of the Presbytery Youth Sub-committee.

I WANT: to move out of my house and into my own place again!

I WISH: my job was full time.

I HATE: rude people.

I LOVE: "my" kids!

I MISS: My friends in "The OC."

I FEAR: that I will never fully recover.

I HEAR: the May YS Podcast.

I WONDER: where God is leading me on this crazy adventure!

I REGRET: how I have allowed fear to hold me back at times.

I AM NOT: sleeping well!

I DANCE: NEVER!

I SING: in the car...even though I have a lousy voice!

I CRY: not nearly enough. I think (for ME only) it is a weakness that cannot be indulged.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: happy. I find myself "content" which is not a bad thing and happiness in temporal...but I don't find myself there very often.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: a bunch of stuff I bake and cook!

I WRITE: my blog and our Children's Ministry Blog.

I CONFUSE: excellence/"good enough" with perfection.

I NEED: to stop restricting as a reaction to my recent vacation when I ate like 2x a day.

I SHOULD: get back to the gym, unpack my car and get back to work!

I START: major VBS work this week!

I FINISH: pretty much everything I start.

I tag Mel, PK and Tina

Here I Am...the OC!

I left yesterday at 4:45 AM. I had to be sure I got here in time to see Dr. D. I did. He was surprised. It was good.

After I saw him I tried to check in, but it was too early so I went to grab lunch. I came back, got my room and hung out until a movie and dinner with a friend. That was really nice. I hadn't seen Steve in probably 4 or 5 years, so there was a lot to catch up on. I know...a movie doesn't help...but it's our "thing." We went over to the Fox Sports Grill and spent 3 1/2 hours catching up. That was really nice. It was like a Youth MInistry walk down Memory Lane! Wondering what some kids are doing that we worked with 10+ years ago, etc. I think we'll hang out again later this week.

Today I am heading to Disneyland. First, Downtown Disney to meet deltacogirl from YMX and then head into the park. Depending what time we get together, I may go early. I am dying to get on Space Mountain and I want to ride the new Monsters, Inc. ride. I also need my Tower of Terror fix!

I'll be back there tomorrow, but since I know I can't lift Gina out of her wheelchair for a lot of stuff...it'll be limited and I may go back later that night to play catch up. I just can't wait to spend time with her.

Monday I will head out there on my own and except for leaving to see Dr. D...I will be there open to close.

Have a great day!

Memories...

I am usually glad I have a pretty good memory. Sometimes it is downright scary. One time, years ago in a staff meeting, our Exec. Pastor couldn't remember something and I was able to tell him who said what, when and where we were each sitting at the time. I amazed the staff and J was glad he had someone who could remember stuff in such detail.

Sometimes it's downright annoying. There are times I plain don't like remembering so much...especially the hard stuff.

Then there are the very few times when memories come back out of nowhere and are usually not pleasant ones at all.

The latter happened last week. BOOM...seemingly out of the blue a memory from 7th grade came to me. One that I had not thought of in years and years and had pretty uch forgot it happened. It was a split second incident...but one that left me feeling very dirty and disgusting as the memory replayed itself over and over Thursday night and much of Friday. I wanted to cut and I came really close to purging...but I didn't. I sent an email to Rob instead and told him. Then I took my mom out to dinner for her birthday. She turned 60 yesterday...but we were with my grandparents and my grandfather cooked...so I decided I'd take her out since I didn't have the $$ to make a big deal out of her 60th. It is amazing how much calmer one feels after eating a meal with all the food groups (well...no fruit)represented.

I had told Rob that I really didn't want to talk about "the incident," when I emailed him...but I knew better. So, we talked and I he asked me what I felt. Honestly? I don't know. What goes through my mind is what is so wrong with me...so defective that someone thought they could touch me like that and it be ok? Especially by another kid. Then it dawned on me that this happened just a few month before I was molested by my uncle's best friend. I was 11 when I first started 7th grade...but just the first 6 weeks and I know it happened later. I am just trying to think if it happned before or after the rumor that I slept with the Choir Director to win a raffle. I think it was after. Stupid, innocent me had to have it all explained to me because I was oblivious to the rumor and then fairly oblivious to the meaning. Goodt Two Shoes Am I!

I finally got Rob to understand that when I tell him I am stupid that I mean it. I will say that and then he will say that I am not being truthful. I FINALLY was able to get the guts to tell him that him telling me it I wasn't being truthful was HIS opinion and that I MEAN it. That took us to a discussion of me being told over and over and OVER growing up that I was book smart but was stupid/dumb otherwise. That just because I was in college didn't mean I was smart...that I thought I was better then my family because I was in college, but that I didn't truly know anything. He gets it. It almost made me cry last Thursday when he told me that what was said to me was tragic and that no one deserves it.

Today, as I think I frustrated him again, he decided to try a different angle. I think he sees the lecturing me on "thinking about my thinking" is not working. So, he went with the gut wrencher...some of the reparenting stuff. I hate it. Okay...I sort of hate it. I kinda like it...it makes me feel less a loser.

He told me that if someone did what was done to me (and he has a daughter and son) and he found out, he would clear his schedule for the rest of the day, come down to the school and make sure it was taken care of. I told him he is the only one who knows...I have never told anyone else until I emailed him. Then he did the, "Oh, Deneice" that makes me want to burt into tears. The guy who did what he did was a bully and had been harassing me off and on anyway. When I finally went to the office over another incident with the guy (for the life of me I can't remember what it was), I got blamed by both the school and my mom for "provoling him." To hear Rob say what he did to me...it was hard to keep it together. How I wish I had had a parent like that. I know I'm not the only one.

He reiterated that he thought what my family said to me was "tragic" and told me he didn't think he was being overdramatic about it and continued to point out how wrong they are. There is a small part of me that want to belive it...probably the part that kept from slipping into behaviors...but it doesn't seem possible.

Speaking of behaviors...as of today I am 19 months purge free. When I leave for "the OC" Friday I will be 18 months self harm (cutting) free. I can't wait to share that with my chiropractor because he will be thrilled.

I can't wait to Friday. Not that I am necessaruily UNhappy here...but I get to go where I have been my happiest (and also my sickest...an interesting combo) and where I have no doubt at all...I am loved.

Update 1

I have a cake cooling for tonight’s small group and am letting some sugar eggs harden before I scoop them out and put them either in the oven or sit out overnight, Since I haven’t decided what I am going to with them yet, I will probably just let them sit overnight.

Last night’s SJ Giant’s game was a hoot. They won! But it took to the bottom of the 11^th to get there. It was so cold by the time the game and fireworks ended, but it was neat being at a baseball game opening day! The team got their rings (they were the CA League 2005 champs) and the new mascot arrived in style…in a helicopter! He is a big orange (we are the farm team for the SF Giants and the color was “SF Giant’s Orange”) ape and the first time the team has ever had a mascot. The pitcher had a “thing” for hitting the batters. It was funny in a sad way, someone asked (loudly) about it and someone yelled out from the crowd, “It’s just a new thing they do.” At the end the crowd was getting on the team to score and end it. There were shouts about wanting to go home and get some sleep because of work, about wanting out of the cold and wanting to get to the fireworks. The crowd thinned out as time went on. It WAS a school night after all!

“Every 15 Minutes” was presented at Leigh High School this week. It is a program that demonstrates the dangers of driving and/or getting into a car with someone who is under the influence. The first day, about 20 kids were pulled from class by the “grim reaper.” The kids knew a week in advance this was going to happen. The rest of the school had no clue. They had to leave everything and leave the room. A parent volunteer escorted the student to the command center to get made-up as a “dead” person. While that happened, the police officer and I walked in. He read the obituary and I was on the lookout for anyone who was distressed and maybe needed to talk. We left and then two parent volunteers came in to collect the books/backpacks and to put a rose, a picture and a black ribbon with the student’s name on it on that empty space.

After that happened, a crash scene was set up on the football field and it was run as a real 911 call. One kid was DOA, two were stuck in a car and the other was a drunk driver. It was pouring down rain and the students were sent home after this part of the program. What we didn’t see (until the next day) was what happened at the hospital, police station and the parent notifications. The parents were in on all of this, but it was heart wrenching to see the parents genuinely react to all of this…even knowing their child was still alive and safe.

The next day was a memorial service. We are talking flowers, special music, all the parents and a casket. The SJPD bagpipes were there as were members of the sponsoring agencies in uniform. The video showed events from the week before focusing on the kids who would be “killed” the next. It showed the grim reaper and the accident scene and the aftermath. We saw the driver being booked and put in a cell, we saw a mom having to come to the morgue and ID her child and two other families be told at the hospital their child didn’t make it. They also showed the parents going in and saying their goodbyes. I am not sure what was more jarring, seeing the kids in the bleachers in tears or the rescue/agency personnel.

That night, the kids went to a retreat center and their parents did a mini-retreat. The kids, their parents and some of their friends all had the chance to write letters. They were supposed to be in the “what I never had the chance to say” vein. They were read during the service. Finally, a local woman who lost half her family because of one drunk driver spoke. It was heartbreaking…more so because she had to speak twice and had never done that before. The accident was 9 years ago, but it as very fresh for her even now.

This is getting long, so I’ll write about the therapy stuff in another post.

So Much to Say...

Just a really quick check in...if anyone still reads this. Things have been really, really busy since last Thursday.

I want to share more of it with you, but it will probably have to wait a day or so.

My session with Rob went really well as did the one Monday. My appt. today is in 90 minutes. It's been amazing and yet draining. I hate to admit I felt good when Rob told me he was proud of me last week...but I was.

I participated as a volunteer for the Every 15 Minutes drunk driving program at a local high school and the lasdt two days have been emotionally draining...even i the whole thing is set up...it is still very rough to get through.

My grandpa and I are going to the home opener of out minor league SJ Giants tonight. Woo hoo!

I leave for "The OC" in 15 days!

The Day After...

I think if I would have actually had anything in my stomach yesterday it would have come back up...without any help from myself. Even though I know what Rob expects is a GOOD thing...my anxiety level was through the roof.

Part of my anxiety was from the very fact of starting to have to really open up. Not that in the past 3+ years I haven't opened up...but really go into the core of everything. It i not that I haven't been there before. But it is this fear I have. I open up and something happens to make the therapy relationship end. It's happened twice. Once was totally out of my control and the second was when I moved to Indiana. I know in my head that probably nothng will happen...but the fear is there. Part of the anxiety stems from the emotions coming up and the fear of not being able to handle them.

I sat in the car before I went into the office to go ahead and write something...at least enough to get a start. I spent a lot of time writing about hating to write it down. I got in there and he did let me talk about a couple "fluff" items before we dug in. I think he knows that I need that...but he's going to limit it. As he said, he enjoys it too, but he let it go on for too long. So, we talked about my mom going back to work, how I wanted to go to the Giants/Angels game last night and what was going on with my SP.

Then I told him I wrote stuff down and why I didn't want to read it and my reservations. One thing I said was that yes, I could read what was going through my head a half hour ago and it would be true...but my fear is that the writing could come across as forces, rehearsed and not real. Then I dug into much of what I have been writing here the past couple days.

Funny thing how that works. It was never comfortable and it didn't feel like it was relief or that I was glad to have said any of it, maybe that will come in time. The "funny" part was I thought I was headed in one direction and I ended up someplace totally different. I know I said stuff I have NEVER said to him before. Heck, I don't think I ever said it to anyone before. I am not even sure I really and truly knew on a conscious level what I told him.

Now if I can even remember it myself! I was speaking about all the good things in my life and yet still very much feeling as if I am a waste of space. That lead into me saying something about not belonging and the whys which lead to the feeling of disappointment and how I won't allow myself to experience disappointment. Then things are a bit of a blur. In fact, I spent ten minutes trying to figure out if we hugged at the end of the session because I didn't remember it. I need to work on that one!

More Rambling Thoughts...

On April 22nd, it will be three years since I went to the Remuda Ranch LIFE program. It seems hard to believe. That was the hardest 60 days of my life and I don’t think it was worth the money it cost to send me. Part of it was my fault; my motivation for going wasn’t the best. In the end, I still ended up losing part of my job and then my apartment. So, I move back home and soon after, my mom tried to kill herself. I don’t think I was ready to take on that much stress after 60 rough days of treatment. The whole thing sent me into a spiral I almost gave in to. Thank God (literally) He sent some awesome people into my life that gave me a place to escape to for a week and got me out of the situation. That trip probably saved my life.

I just don’t know what my problem is lately. Not even lately…pretty much all the time. I may be only working PT, but I have really come to love my job in Children’s Ministry and feel so blessed that I am volunteering with our Junior Highers. Except for the financial aspect, I am in the best possible place I can be. I do pray about if I should look for a FT position and I have no sense at all I am to leave. This does not disappoint me in the least. Would I love the chance so I could move out or even better, move away? Yup. But, it is not worth going against what I feel is God’s will. It won’t do any of us any good and would probably lead me right back down paths I really can’t afford to go down. Okay, I know it is all a matter of choice and I get that. But, though it may sound like a cop out, opening the door to ED does not always make it seem as if choice comes into the picture at all.

I feel so stupid for feeling about myself the way I do. Rob would get on me for saying I feel stupid because I am once again judging my feelings…but I DO feel stupid. There is so much good stuff going on and yet most days I can’t stand the sight of myself, I can’t stand that I take up space on this earth and I wish either I would have OD’d when I had the chance or that the ED would have killed me long ago.

The totally stupid thing about all that is there is no “good” reason for any of it. Funny thing, I can hear Rob’s voice telling me to stop judging my feelings and there IS a reason for it…all I have to do is look to the woman that gave birth to me and how she has always made me feel unimportant, unloved and very, very, very unwanted. The thing is I know there is a place deep down where I don’t believe it, or at least I know that can’t always be true otherwise I don’t think I could ever be successful at what I do. Either that or I have the wool pulled over everyone’s eyes. Believe me that thought rambles through my head every so often.

Some of this reflection is a total result of the last few weeks in our sessions, but there is more. I really can’t and won’t go into details…but my SP is having a very hard time with some family stuff. It is calling into question not only who a family member is…but who HE is. I think what he is going through has really thrown him into tailspin and I really understand that. It is also a lesson about putting people up on a pedestal. Eventually, they are going to disappoint you. The disappointment may be unintentional or without thought…but as Depeche Mode says, “people are people.”

The biggest question is why can’t I say any of this out loud?? My guess? It makes it all real.

Countdown to The OC...

I know I am probably anticipating this trip a little too much. I know I need to be concentrating on other things, but as I sit here and listen to my Disney podcasts (you really need to add 1313 South Harbor Radio to your podcasts...it is all the sounds from every area of Disneyland) April 21st can't get here fast enough. There is just so much for me to do besides the conference I am attending. There are my friends, Disneyland, and almost most importantly...my chiropractor. Not just for the adjustments (although I am looking forward to those), but just for his physical presence. I really miss him a lot.

The first few nights I am staying in Irvine, CA. Got a great deal from priceline.com and then I am staying with a friend and her husband. Anna was one of my youth group kids/student leaders way back when. Way back when we were just close enough (10 years) in age to end up really good friends. Unlike now when I al old enough to be my kids' mom! They live about 10 minutes from Saddleback and I don't have to get on the 5 or the toll roads to get there.

But, I also think I am using it as a distraction. Things with Rob are not going so well. He is taking responsibility for letting certain stuff go one for too long (our "fun talk")...but I think he is wrong. He keeps telling me I am really good at getting off the subject into something "safer" so who know? Maybe he does share a part in the "mess" we have found ourselves in. We had another "talk" yesterday because I stayed on the surface. Well...HE says that...I don't agree. He is probably right because he pulled out an email I sent to him a couple weeks ago and what I said there I could "never" say out loud.

That's what we ended up talking about yesterday. I told him I feel so stupid because I can write it, but I can't speak it. I can leave it all on paper and just ignore what is going inside when I walk into his office. I am not sure WHY though. I trust him, I feel safe in the office and I know I can tell him anything...but yet what we usually talk about can be shallow at times. I told him maybe speaking all of that "stuff" makes it real and if it is emailed than it is just words on the screen or words on a page after it is printed.

He talks about taking a break. I know if I do that, I will never go back. Not only will I never go back to him...I will never go back at all. The sad fact is, while I am 18 months purge free and 17 months SI free...much of it is because of the built in accountability I have because of Rob and Toni. Then again, I haven't tried things out without him so maybe not. I think I would probably slip out of spite. Slip as in giving in once...not a relapse. We'll have a 10 day break when I go to the OC, but I know he means more than that. Besides, when I am there I am with friends, I am where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am loved and where he is still just a phone call or email away.

We talked about how much I don't want to have to write stuff down, but that it could be a jumping off point for now. I don't HAVE to do it, but either way I need to come in Thursday ready to go deep into all the gunk. I don't think he understands how scary it is.

There are some days that I wonder if part of this isn't due to not being on meds. I wish I could pinpoint it for sure. I have been off meds for just over two years now. I had to for financial reasons and he never brings them up so I am guessing he thinks I don't need them, but I'm not sure. I know my mother would pay for it if I asked her if I could be evaluated...but I think I figure if I am not planning my own demise then I don't need them. Then again, the last time I was so depressed I almost DID make an attempt, I was on meds. I just feel like I have this constant lowish level of depression that may make any movement in therapy difficult.

Thursday should be interesting to say the least!

iTunes Meme

After seeing this all over the place...I decided "why not?"

HOW MANY SONGS?
505

SORT BY SONG TITLE:
First = Above All — Rebecca St. James
Last = Your Grace is Enough — Chris Tomlin

SORT BY TIME:
Longest = Down Once More/Track Down this Murderer (Phantom of the Opera Movie soundtrack) 12:48
Shortest = The Mustard (Buffy the Vampire Slayer "Once More with Feeling") :19

SORT BY ALBUM:
First = Abbey Road Sessions - Steven Curtis Chapman
Last = Veggie Rocks! - Veggie Tales

TOP FIVE MOST PLAYED SONGS:
1. Seasons of Love - Rent Soundtrack
2. Over and Over - Nelly & Tim McGraw
3. Open Skies - David Crowder Band
4. Pretty Vegas - INXS
5. Indescribable - Chris Tomlin

FIRST TEN SONGS THAT COMES UP ON SHUFFLE:
1. Pretty Vegas - INXS
2. Seasons of Love - Rent
3. Disappear (live) - Jars of Clay
4. You'll See - Rent
5. Breathe - Kathryn Scott (The Best Worhip Songs Ever)
6. Phantom of the Opera - Phantom of the Opera soundtrack
7. All My Tears - Jars of Clay and Ashley Cleveland (iTunes original)
8. Voice Mail #3 - Rent
9. I Should Tell You - Rent
10. Love Heals -Rent

RANDOM WORD SEARCHES
search for “jesus.” how many songs? – 13
search for “death.” how many songs? – 0
search for “love.” how many songs? – 21

Harvest Crusade!!!

I am so excited! I have known about this for a little over a month, but as we are now one month closer to the event and we get ready to start making calls to local churches, I am getting even more excited!

When I lived in So Cal, I attended many Crusades with youth, alone, as a follow up counselor, etc. So, when I found out at last month's YM Network meeting they would be coming up here I was thrilled. I think it is something that our area needs and can have a real impact in our valley. The follow up from the Crusades is awesome and people will only fall through the cracks if they choose to. Each person who makes a decsion will be steered toward a church in their community and if they came with a friend, they will be steered toward that church.

"Amplify" is the youth night and that is where I am mainly plugged in (ofr course). We'll bring our kids (at least I am planning on it...a lot can happen between now and October), but I am also helping out with calling churches and whatever else they want us to do. Having been to many in Anaheim, I think I can be helpful. Our contact from Harvest Crusades is awesome and is going to be great to work with.

It is absolutely amazing to see what God has done since NYWC. I knew coming off that experience that my role in YM was going to change from what it has been for the past 15 years...but I wasn't sure how. I knew that while I may be hands on with students in some capacity that God was going to lead me into roles where I am encouraging and supporting other YW and I feel like it is happening...through what is going on with camp, Harvest Crusades and whatever else may be thrown my way. Pretty nifty stuff!

Thanks, Len!

A Bit Of Both You are 50% Calvin and 50% Hobbes

Calvin & Hobbes, like a scruffy yin and yang, are in perfect balance within you. Like Calvin, you're weird, a bit insecure, and can be a trouble-maker. But like Hobbes, you're down to earth and sensitive. It's a risk to say it here, after just a ten question test, but I'll bet you're smarter than most. Both Calvin and Hobbes are crafty, clever characters, and any one made from equal parts of each is a force to be reckoned with.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 42% on calvin You scored higher than 25% on hobbes

Link: The Calvin Or Hobbes Test written by gwendolynbooks on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

The Bad and The Ugly...

As I said last week or was it the week before...this would be in the wrong order when you read the titles (The Good, the Bad and the Ugly). That's okay though.

Where do I start? My aunt and uncle from WA came down for a few days to visit. I have known this for a few weeks and have had plenty of time to dread the fact. The last time I saw my uncle was the year after his best friend molested me. I wrote a letter to my uncle several years after the fact. In the last year or so, the two men have rekindled their friendship. I sort of see both sides of this whole thing, but I am still unamused about their relationship.

Their visit started out okay. By the end of the first night, I was really glad to see them. That carried over to the second night. Then came Saturday night and "the ugly."

My mom is not supposed to drink. As many know, alcohol and anti-d's do NOT mix. The last time she was drunk...she came home and OD'd. But, I was driving (her driving scared their dog...and for good reason) so she decided to toss common sense out the window. We had a wait at the restaurant and so we were in the bar. I had a Coke and the rest of them had beer, wine and/or VO and water. I raised my eyebrows to my mom but she told me she'd only have a glass or two. Well, that two turned into three and ended up somewhere between 6-8 glasses when all was said and done.

My grandmother was not yet drunk so she knew how freaked I was. She asked me if I wanted her to spend the night. I told her no (which is a good thing because she ended up really drunk) that I would just take her pills and put them in my roon when I got home. My aunt and uncle kept telling me to relax and allow my mom to have fun. HA! I had to be up Sunday AM and didn't want to wake up to finding her dead.

So, the drunker my grandmother got the more she had to lay into her ex-husband (father of her kids) which my uncle really didn't want to rehash. We learned that he belittled my uncle until the day he died and my uncle kept reminding my grandmother he is not his father. Then came the "revelation" that my uncle was my grandmother's face (first born and all) and my other uncle was her 1st husband's fave. Oh...and offering to raise the offspring of your children runs in my family. I guess my great grandparent's wanted to raise my uncle and when I was a kid my grandmother always begged to raise me.

We got home and I took the pills and put them in my room. My mom told me I didn't have to worry. A few minutes later she tells my aunt that it's a good thing I did because when it comes to good times like this she doesn't want them to end. And suicide is going to help the good times keep going??? OOOOOK.

The Good...

Sunday afternoon ended another weekend at camp. This one was complete with snow on the summit, thunder, lightning and hail Friday night, rain and more rain Saturday and Sunday...BUT...NO rain during free time!!!! God is so good! Again, that was my prayer the weekend. As long as the kids can get out and do their thing from 1-5 Saturday we are in great shape!

I realized I am doing these entries backwards...but oh well! :)

I ended up being the contact person at camp. It made sense because I had no kids this weekend and could be available for any problems pretty much 24/7...well you know what I mean. This meant I locked up and night, unlocked in the morning, got any cabin concerns to our weekend Host, etc. It pretty much went right along with my duties of running the leaders' meetings. It actually made more sense that way. I could have had a leadership cottage, but chose to stay in a regular cabin (all to myself) instead.

Saturday lunch I found myself helping in the kitchen. The food is brought down from the main conference center. Some of it is already plated for the tables or in bowls and then some of it the kitchen staff has to get ready. The kids come in for KP about 15 minutes before the meal. I had so much fun. It used to be a favorite thing for me to do at Angeles Crest...but some of that was ED related. In fact, I used to eat with the work crew and staff because it was a little easier. It's just really a fun thing to do. You have hungry campers and the sooner we can get the kids to get their trays the better. Mount Hermon has pretty good camp food so the kids ate...a lot. I have always loved camp ministry and the summer I was Program Director was such good training in YM.

Back to back weekends was really tiring though. Even though I didn't have kids, just doing behind the scenes work was just as exhausting.

I was very affirmed at this retreat. Not that I was looking for it or even expected it...but people were watching and I guess my gift of administration came shining through more than I thought/intended/realized. I was told that because of it, the bulk of the committee work would be mine for now on and that I may be the contact person. I can live with that! I think we have all been on auto-pilot too long with this retreat and the high school retreat.

Cows CAN Skate!!!

$5.00 for three hours (including skates) is a great price! I pulled up to the rink...one I haven't stepped foot in since I was 11 years when I came to sell my skates to buy an Atari. It is so rundown it's not even funny. The carpet and snack bar tables are the same ones that were there when I was 7. I got my skates and talked to the owner about my distaste for rental skats because you can't skate like normal. He agreed and looked for a decent pair to give me. I was the only one there.

I got my skates, went to "my" table and put them on. I got up, skated to the edge of the rink and was shocked at the condition of the floor. Gone were the bold, black figure circles against the smooth, white floor. The floor was scuffed, needed to be redone and there was a huge piece of plastic where there must be a leak in the roof. I skate...very slowly as if I had not spent almost 4 years with quad skates growing out of my feet. I fell...once. It hurt. It STILL hurts. I got back up and shook it off.

By the end of hour number one I was skating forward at full speed with some tentative backward skating. No crossovers...but I was backward and I was upright. By the end of 90 minutes I was skating backard at full speed and doing some crossovers. I tried to spin...not on rentals! Ugh! I managed one revolution. I REALLY wabted to do a waltz jump, but in those boots I would fall and hurt myself.

After the first 45 minutes or so, two high school girls came in and I admit, I was THRILLED when I could out skate them! They ended up being realy sweet, told me I skated really well and anted me to teach them to skate backward! I didn't last the whole three hours. Two and a half hours in I was done.

I want to go back. $5 is so cheap. I want my own skates. They'll cost me $225. Anyone wanting to give to the "Let's Make Sure Deneice is Not a Cow for Long" fund, let me know! :) I will try and save and get the pair by the end of the year. I am going to ask the owner to watch out for used boots because he said he'd cut me a good deal.

They offer adult lessons on Monday nights. $7.50 including the session afterward. I know I am too old to pick up where I left off...but if I could pass that final figure test I'd be happy. I only took it once and everyone told me that it was rare to pass it the first time...plus I was only 10.

Did I Ever Tell You?

I used to roller skate. Nothing major. Before an injury (okay...I broke my tibia, fibula and cracked my femur) when I was 10 I did manage to get my first three dance tests done and passed two of the three required figure tests. I probably could have passed my first freestyle (they don't ask much...or didn't back then), too. After my leg finally healed (I was in a cast from May to August and had surgery) my mom wouldn't let me go back. That, my friends, is why I am a theater geek!

Anyway, as I have been tripping down Memory Lane with Rob the last few weeks this came up. I hadn't talked about it in a very long time. It was a great time in my life (mixed in with some of the abandonment stuff we have been exploring) and had a lot of fun. I miss having my own skates because let's face it...rentals are a fate wrose than death! They have gone up in price so much that unless I plan to take lessons again for fun...it's not worth it.

But, in a little over and hour they have an Open Skate happening where I used to go (three name changes ago) and I think I am going to check it out.

Pray!!!!

So...I Lied...

Forget the Oscars...I want to talk about the Get Away Camp this past weekend. It is a much better subject!

The weekend was awesome. I was worried about rain. That was my prayer and the prayers of those at the camp...that the weather would at least hold during free time! It held from when we got there Friday until we left Sunday. It sprinkled just before we left and really rained all the way home.

The first picture is my cabin. I had my three girls and then five "independents." They give them to me because they figure I can handle it! :) They were great kids and by dinner it was like they were all "my" kids.

Next is Natalie. She became a Christian Saturday night...but this is her on the archery range.

We couldn't play field games because of the rain so we played group games indoors and this was the mummy contest. Since Carrissa was the youngest/smallest kid we chose to make her into a mummy.

I had one boy (poor Chad) come up to camp and because there were 180+ campers...I saw him maybe twice all weekend! "Cabana Boy" was his leader and told me Chad did great during the weekend.

The last picture was taken during one of our worship sessions.

The theme was "Wild Ride" and the speaker was awesome! He is the Marketing Director at Angeles Crest Christian Camp...where I used to take my kids when I was at the CC and RCCC. Back then he did out T-shirts...but he was also a speaker...I had just never heard Keith speak until this camp. The band was great and the whole Mount Hermon staff was so wonderful.

I loved sitting back and watching my older kids serve the younger ones when they didn't know anyone was looking or didn't care if anyone was looking! One counselor sent a little kid with all big tray of all their dirty dishes back to the kitchen and of course the kid dropped it. Before I could step in, "G" popped in from out of "nowhere" and helped the kid pick stuff up and bring it into the kitchen. All these other kids that were around did nothing and she didn't hesitate.

They took partners wherever they went (i.e. the bathroom...even in the middle of the night) and made sure no one was left behind. Woo hoo!

The Oscars

I got back from camp a few hours before The Oscars so I am still tired and sore. I will say I am so excited "Crash" won! More later...

Not Alone...

Today was an interesting day in therapy. The last few weeks have been a stroll down memory lane. Why? Well...it started out as abandonment issues but it appears as if it is slowly evolving from that to me not believing I have any right to want or need anything. The message growing up (one of them) is that I want too much. What is that too much? When I was younger...not so sure...probably just to have my mother be present. When I was older? I wanted my mom to be at my plays, be home when I left for my senior prom, to come to Parents' Weekend at college, etc. One memory touches off another one and I am having a hard time feeling anything about it. I'm stuck because I keep asking myself (and Rob) what is so wrong with me that she couldn't give me those simple things. I got a ton of material things and she made sure of that when she missed a play (flowers opening night, etc.)...but I didn't want those things.

Rob doesn't often share much about himself. I know...that is not his job, but I like to see little glimpses into his life. Today I was blessed with a nugget from his own childhood. When he was a kid, his dad and stepmom dropped him and his little brother off at the YMCA while they had a date night. The YMCA closed before his parents were done with their date and he and his little brother were stuck outside, alone in the dark until they were picked up. When they got in the car...no one even apologized for being so late. He also played baseball as a kid and he said that his dad maybe came to 1-2 gmes. The odd thing is I feel so sad that he had to go through that as a kid and know he didn't deserve it, but I look at similar examples in my own life and write it off to be being a complete loser/leech/awful bad person.

I told him that my mom couldn't be bothered to come to my stuff and yet I will move heaven and earth to try to get to things that the youth and/or children do at my church and they aren't my kids! I told him that when John played volleyball that I went to one of his two weekly games, but either his mom or dad was at EVERY game...as it should be. Rob said that unless there is a crisis with someone at work, he would never dream of missing anything his kids do.

I know I am not the only one who has gone through this. I think that is part of my problem. How can I even dare to be hurt and/or disappointed when others go through this and at least I got "stuff" to compensate? I don't think Rob quite hears me when I say I think back to all that stuff and believe it all happened because I simply exist. He hears it, but I think he tries to come back quickly that it isn't me and loses how deeply rooted the rest is in my being. I hate what happened to him and hate that it happens to kids all around us.

I LOVE the fact that I am in a church that honors our children and youth. I see others at plays and recitals and games...even though they are not involved in Children's Ministry or Youth Ministry...and smile. They get it. They honor our kids and are there to be Jesus with skin on and in spite of my frustrations about my job at times...what a place to serve!

Where Does the Time Go???

I looked at the date of my last blog entry. The 23rd??? Seems like it was a lot sooner than that...but I guess not.

This weekend I am taking 4 of our 4th and 5th graders up to Mount Hermon's Redwood Camp for the Junior Get Away! It is supposed to rain buckets...but it should be a lot of fun. I am looking forward to it. I get to go back next week because of our Presbytery Jr. High Retreat...but we aren't taking any kids. Ugh! The kids loved it last year so I don't know what the deal is now. Oh well...more time for me! :)

It's been an interesting ride becoming a volunteer again. I like it...and it is very much the way it was when I was a volunteer at the CC. I was a volunteer...BUT...what I did as a volunteer was a different than what the other volunteers were doing. More planning, more leading, etc. I don't mind it...just a little weird!

Last Saturday was the first Core I attended as a volunteer in a long time. I'll post about that later. I am still processing it. I left really frustrated and that has never happened before. I'm trying to figure out why and how much of is me and how much of it is the event itself.

La Vie Boheme!

"RENT" obsessed post II

This is how bad it is people...I actually LISTENED to the commentary! Actually, in this case it makes sense as I want to hear about changes made from stage to screen and why, etc. I also didn't know they filmed in San Francisco. Wish I would have known! Rats!

Chris Columbus was really happy to get a PG-13 rating, though he says he now has some reservations as kids who really have no clue what the lyrics of "La Vie Boheme" even mean are singing the song.

So, all you "Rentheads" out there...if you were a from "Rent," who would you be? Or, after seeing the movie who do you think you would be? After watching the movie over and over and listening to the soundtrack constantly since I bought it back in November or December...I think I am Mark. Obviously not in every aspect...but he seems to fit better than anyone else. I mean things down to the whole Maureen/Joanne thing...but I was in high school and he didn't break up with me for another guy...he just realized that...well...we still stayed friends through high school.

Back to "La Vie Boheme." It is amazing how often that song goes through my head. Out of the blue..."Going insane, going against the grain, going mad." In some ways that makes sense...sounds like a definition of ministry at times! I just think lyrically, Larson really showed his brilliance in this song. As they go through some definitions of dance, film and anarchy so much if it I can relate to without being fully involved in any of that stuff because it is the "stuff" that bonds them together in community.

I try not to overthink the film all that much. I struggle a lot with the "no day but today" way of living life. Part of the song "Rent" says:

MARK
"The music ignites the night with passionate fire"

ROGER
"The narration crackles and pops with incendiary wit"

MARK
Zoom in as they burn the past to the ground

ROGER & MARK
And feel the heat of the future's glow
How do you leave the past behind
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out
"Til you're torn apart Rent!

Lines like that just jump out at me. I need to get Anthony Rapp's book about his journey. He said something in an interview (the web site? MTV? "The View?") about playing Mark and the parallels to being closed off from emotion the way Mark is on stage and screen. There is another line from a song that says, "I don't own emotion...I rent." Very often guilty as charged.

Speaking of which, I need to get ready to see Rob!

No Day But Today

If I lived in NY when I was in high school, I so would have been a "Renthead." There are times I DO feel guilty for liking this show...not so much the themes (maybe a little)...but the language. However, it is organic to the story and to their lives, so it makes sense.

As soon as I got off work yesterday it was straight to "Circuit City" to buy the DVD. The feature length story of Jonathan Larson and the show and now movie had me in tears. I remember the 1996 Tony Awards when "Rent" was so honored. The only song I really knew at the time was "Seasons of Love" and they sang "La Vie Boheme" on the awards show and I thought it was the strangest thing. Now, ten years later, I really, really get it. I probably would have got it back then...but I never had the chance to see it (with "Doogie Howser") in L.A. and anyway...none of that matters anymore. I have the movie and when it comes to town again...I am so there!

I goofed...

Here is the correct link for my Johari Window: http://kevan.org/johari?view=

I just corrected it again... if you still have trouble...

http://kevan.org/johari?view='neice's+window

If you cut and paste and then click on "contribute to 'neice's window you should get it. I am not sure what the problem is!

Anniversary Dates...

I think I figure if I actually put them out there, I'll begin to believe that it has been that long.

I just passed the 17 month mark of no purging. I almost blew it the other day. I don't binge and I was just eating lunch...but it was strange because I was for sure in that zone. I bought lunch from the deli at the grocery store and my first clue should have been what I bought. My second clue should have been the fact I didn't put my lunch on a plate...paper or otherwise. I generally eat on a "real" plate, even though my mom doesn't. I was part way through when it dawned on me what I was doing.

Tuesday will mark 16 months of no self harm. That battle is almost harder won when the urge strikes. It's easier to hide, it's over faster and I don't have to eat first! None are good reasons and neither is wanting instant relief from the "pressure cooker" feeling...but there are days that a harder than others. Of course there are days when it never enters my mind at all, but on the days when it does...it is hard to fight it at times. Take that back. It is hard to WANT to fight it at times. It appears to be the path of least resistance and on those days I find something else to do.

If I look at the big picture...I think it is getting easier. What I can't figure out is if it easier because I am white knuckling it or if it is a bit easier because the "need" isn't there anymore. Much of the time it feels as if it is the former. That's NOT a good thing.

Stupid Blogger!

There was a problem and I lost some posts. One was an update about my grandfather and I really don't want tp redo it. But I will...later.

Go here and help me out! A couple people saw it before the problems with Blogger...but I'd love to see what you have to say!

Grandfather's Surgery Tomorrow & "Stuff"

First off...have I mentioned how thrilled I am we finally have a Panera sort of near me? It is actually closer to the church, but I am thrilled to death we have one. There will be another one...less than a mile from the church in a few short weeks. This is one of the few things that I miss about the Midwest. Sort of weird it is actually FOOD related...but it was the only place I could buy sourdough bread. Can you believe it? I went to all the grocery stores in the area when I moved to Indiana that year and NONE of them carried my beloved sourdough. It took me a few months to realze that...duh...I could buy it from Panera. Okay, it's not like was I doing GOOD things with the bread either...but I generally kept down their soups and salads. It was a "safe" place for me to eat. That is probably why I missed it.

So, here I am...happily on free wi-fi and enjoying the calm before the storm. Toni will be thrilled to hear I ate a bagel when I see her in about an hour and a half. A little too early for their soup.

My grandfather has his surgery tomorrow. I have been pretty calm about it (I think), but when we were at "The Lion King," it sunk in a little more. He really liked it, but he was also a little distracted. He did his pre-op stuff yesterday and they told him we have to be back at the hospital by 5:30 AM. Not sure what time his surgery is scheduled though. I'll take a quick break to go see Rob and then back to the hospital. There is a chance they can do this OP...I am not holding my breath!

I almost wish I could bail on the ski trip...but I need to watch Lily and it will be fun to be with the high school group again. It is awesome how God works. I have no idea what is in store for me with YM in the long term. But for right now, in this moment...I LOVE being a volunteer again and am grateful for the chance to keep myself in the fray a bit.

I AM a Theatre Snob II

I think it started when I was in 5th grade. Once you reached 5th grade, you could go to the San Francisco Opera for their Kids Day. Part of the deal was getting dressed up. I got to go both in 5th and 6th grade and a theatre snob was born!

Part of me knows I am being way too picky about all of this...but it is the theatre...not some program in a school cafeteria! No torn jeans should be rule #1!!! I also realize "The Lion King" is a FAMILY show, but if your child's bedtime is before 8 PM or is shortly AFTER 8 PM...do not bring them to a performance with an 8:00 PM curtain! By the end of the first act they are really tired and when theyb start crying they are tired and want to go home, take them OUT of the theatre and into the lounge! Do we need to point out that all of us in our section shelled out $128 a ticket...not just YOUR family?

Sigh...

The Circle of Life...

I'll post more tomorrow when I get back from the VBS Showcase...but I will say that I enjoyed "The Lion KIng" tonight. I will also say I am SUCH a theatre snob!

I PROMISE...I Am NOT Making This Stuff Up!

If someone came to me (even someone I trusted) and told me what I have been sharing about my my grandmother and grandfather, I would begin to wonder if it was the truth. In the past several weeks how can ALL of this medical stuff be going on??? Well, they do say truth is stranger than fiction and this is the truth.

Updates:

1. My grandfather goes to get his arteries cleaned out and stents put in next Thursday.

2. He has put off his other appt. (he is having trouble sawllowing) until after the surgery.

3. My grandmother was supposed to have an EMG done on Monday. BUT...

4. Thursday she broke her wrist opening a bottle of juice and now has a soft cast up to her elbow.

I get they are getting "up there" in years. Well...my grandmother is 80 something...but my grandfather is only like 71.

Ugh. I also need to share some stuff about "abandonment" I need help with...but that will have to be later.

The New Food Plan

I saw Toni yesterday and she has had me keep a food journal. I hate it. I look at it and it seems like so much. She told me that no...it wasn't close. I can usually rattle off what I eat, but she wanted to see where it was lacking (not calorie wise because we know that...but actual food groups. Being the weirdo I am...it is fruit.

Fruit???!!!??? I know. I like fruit. I really do. Berries, mango, apples, pineapple, kiwi...I live in CA...we have great fruit! But, ask me to choose between a cucumber and an apple...I'll often go for the veggies.

So, in the next couple weeks I need to add a fruit, start taking a multi-vitamin and eat a meal between 11 AM and 2 PM. I am wating to hear back if that is a full meal or an "eating episode."

The one thing this has done has made me way calorie conscious. I used to know the content of anything I let pass through my lips...but have given that up for the ost part. Some things I still know...must I don't. So, I became a huge label reader last night. This is the "sick" part. I had a grilled tuna sandwich on wheat and a salad. Guess how many calories??? THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE!!! The healthy part of me says that 325 is actually on the low side for dinner especially when the only other thing I had was a non-fat white mocha all day. The ED part of me says I can no longer use mayo if I make tuna. I need to use mustard or honey mustard. No cheese (I only used it because I grilled the bread), no more grilling and no more "regular" dressing. How many calories can I cut?

Very eye opening and very helpful to see that. Now comes the choice. Do I make the sandwich I want or the one I "should" have?