???????

I’m hiding. I have been convincing myself that I am okay…that I am returning to “normal.” But, I did something tonight that Rob tells me to do a lot…take a deep breath. Out of nowhere I just sat here and took one deep breath and in that breath, I felt/saw what is really going on. The tunnel is a little less dark…maybe a little less a black hole than it has been, but it is there in all its dark glory.

Things are better because I am eating a little more than I have been…but it is not all a food problem. I think I had myself convinced that because my mood improved a little bit that I was okay. I am so NOT okay and the awful thing about that is I still have no idea why. I really have no good reason to be depressed. I have no bad reasons either. But it is there…as certain as I am that I will wake up in the morning it is there.

It’s now morning! The way I see it is it stinks that I have major depressive disorder and yet at the same time I am able to handle the depressive episodes without meds and without jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Before that freaks anyone out…I would never do that anyway. While I know that I have almost 100% chance of it working…the pain before the dying…no thanks! The fact I can kinda make light of it is also a positive thing.

I am 9 days short of two years of no self harm and 16 days away from my 37^th birthday. Neither ones thrills me all that much. My hate relationship with food stems from a lot of things and one of them is the fact food is a life sustaining thing. It’s scary to admit that is a problem for me. It goes against everything I know to be true as a Christian but the reality is that there is a huge part of me that hates the fact I am alive and eating makes it worse. At least I am not quite as disappointed as I have been that I wake up each morning.

My aunt called drunk last night. Toward the end of the conversation she told me to remember that I am always #1 with her and with my uncle. It took so much not to ask her if that was the case, why my uncle insists on having a relationship with the man who molested me. I get it…they have been friends since childhood, but that just makes it worse. I know I need to get beyond that little point…but it hurts a bit.

I feel like I am in limbo some of the time. Last Monday I walked out of Rob’s office feeling pretty good for the first time in a long time. I had shared with him what had happened at God Night. I did the closing prayer and it was no “big deal.” I know they have value…but I really don’t like to write prayers out ahead of time. It’s just not me. So, as I took in the night (with the good stuff and the stuff I don’t agree with theologically) I tried to at least prepare a bit so I wouldn’t get up there and stumble. While I do announcements on Sundays, it was my first time praying in church outside of being with the kids or youth. At the end I had a few people come up to me and compliment me on the prayer. Okay…that was a little weird in itself…but still nice to hear.

There was something else that had happened that week as well and I can’t remember what anymore. Rob made some comment about God sending me a message. Point taken. I left there and for the next 30 hours or so I began thinking that maybe I wasn’t a complete loser. That changed after I got the email from Debra. I still can’t put it in the right words…but I think after that I was really mad at Rob for about 30 seconds. I felt like he had me almost convinced that I wasn’t a loser…that I believed what he was telling me and getting my hopes up that I have been wrong about me and then in an instant it was gone. I say about 30 seconds because I snapped back to reality pretty quickly. Then, when Steve and I had that talk on Wednesday it pretty much reaffirmed all that happened Sunday and Monday.

Rob and I talk about (or he does) what Paul says…that we should have a sober estimation of ourselves. I know that also means it needs to be realistic. What I feel seems real…it often plays out as real…if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

I think so much of the time I repress emotions and what I feel about stuff because if I allow myself to feel what’s there I am going to get angry. That is such a dangerous emotion for me. I have not very often seen healthy anger but have been on the receiving end of it many times. I have seen how it can be destructive and how it lashes out. I know I have the safety of Rob’s office but I still won’t allow myself to let go.

Ministry "Stuff"

I haven’t talked about ministry stuff much lately. I haven’t because there isn’t a whole lot to say. My role has been reduced to sitting there and being with the kids and then doing whatever Debra needs me to do. That is fine because I love “my” Jr. Highers, but I also feel like I am not doing anything. The hardest part is kids and some parents coming to me to ask about events and stuff and me telling them to ask Debra because I don’t know anything. There isn’t a whole lot of communication going on between Debra and we volunteer peons. I also know this is still an adjustment period for her so I have hope things will improve. There are a few parents concerned with the JH/SH meeting together, but that’s not my call either.

So, I have been told: “Hold off on the Jr. girls Bible Study. I'm trying to get mentors together and really desire for non-staff members to interface with the group. I would prefer that you act more as an advisor so that we encourage greater volunterism among the congregation. I also need to draw closer to the Junior Highers and will probably take them under my wings for a time so that I get to know them more spiritually. The youth are spread thin as it is and to add another layer might be stretching them. I hope you understand and not loose your zeal to interface with the Jr. Highers."

The youth groups lead our final “God Night” on Sunday. It went pretty well. It was a little scattered and kids who once had parts no longer had them because they didn’t show up to YG the last Sunday in September when Debra had to redo the whole night. That caused some tension.

In Children’s Ministry I am gearing up for Trunk & Treat and I have almost 10 cars. For us, that is GREAT. I am aiming for 15. We are hosting Group’s VBS Jump Start in March and so that is on back burner and always in the back of my mind. The rest is just “routine.” The kids will be learning about Peter & Cornelius in Biblemaniacs and Jesus as Messiah in Children’s Church.

My First Night Solo...

Saturday night I was "thrown to the wolves" and worked my first event alone. It was the last pre-season Sharks game and there were 12,200 expected. A whole lot more than the 4,000 or so that were there for my training day. I got there early, got my employee ID and picked up my info sheet. I made it down to "the cage" for briefing and then went to my spot.

I spent the first part of the night scanning tickets. I encountered my first rude guest toward the end. If you bring in a stroller, you need to check it in (no room in the aisles) and then you may get it when you leave. I was handing the family off to my supervisor when a rather rude season ticket holder made an issue of me helping the family. I was polite, but what I wanted to say was, "If you had shown up 10 minutes ago you wouldn't be rushing to your seats just before the puck drops!"

They then sent me to my section. I was in the upper bowl (woo hoo...I got to see the game!) and had a good section. There were three guys that I had my eye on because they were downing drinks at a fairly good clip...but they stopped at the beginning of the 3rd period. I did my aisle tours, made sure my section observed hockey etiquette and picked up the Gatorade bottle that was a tripping hazzard.

Toward the middle of the 3rd period there was a great fight! They broke it up and then I did my last aisle tour. I came down and was watching the game and all of a sudden I felt absolutely ill. I really thought I was going to be sick. I went downstiars and Shannon, who was kind of floating, was walking by. I asked her to watch my aisle for a minute so I could just splash some water on my face. Just then our scheduling coordinator came by and I spent the next hour in First Aid. I was just really dehydrated. I had only had one can of Coke all day. Ooops! Lesson learned.

There is a bigger picture than Saturdays incident. I know that there is still some food obsession there...I can struggle with what to eat, when to eat, if to eat, etc. I am not beyond throwing food out to make it appear as if I had eaten a meal...but I don't think I realized until then just how much energy/time is still consumed with all of this. That it still remains a lot deeper engrained than I thought. I think it explains why I am not all "rah-rah" about being two years purge free.

I was thinking about it on my way home from Rob's and can honestly say it's not remotely weight related. That always plays a part...but it still continues to amaze me that this is NOT about weight. It comes down to me needing to figure out a way to stop hating food. Actually, it means I have to stop resenting food for being a life sustaining need.

There's a Homeless Man on The Lawn

So, I get to the office about 7:15 AM and there is a homeless guy sleeping on the front lawn of our church. This is not too surprising as we get homeless/transients all the time. When I first got here someone managed to get in the building and we had no clue. It explained some of the weird noises I heard and my missing sleeping bag!

Saturday was my first day on the job. Passed my quiz, took yet another tour of the Pavilion (and will probably STILL get lost), took tickets (and checked bacgs), worked and aisle and now will be thrown to the dogs at the last pre-season Sharks game on Saturday. I am then working the first four sharks games, three of the four Harvest Crusade events (woo hoo!) and this thing called the Boo Bomb. I didn't get Disney on Ice and I am bummed...but I am sure that is a seniority thing.

More later...I need to get actual work done!

My Job, My Family...

I had orientation for my job at the HPP on Wednesday. The money isn't bad and my point of taking the job is so I don't have decide between what are truly needs...not wants. Okay, the 30% off at the Sharks Store is a great perk I admit that...but I just found out about it on Wednesday. We are #2 in customer service in the NATION for our type of venue and they only hire on average 1 in 10 who apply. Twelve made it through to this round. Tomorrow we got for more orientation (including a test) and on the job training.

I don't want to rewrite stuff with the visit with my aunt and uncle so I am going to paste some posts I made that will give you the basic idea.

Tonight with my family was disaster and now my mom and aunt are out drinking. I am honestly not going to hide her meds because as much as I want to...I am tired of this. I am the designated driver (fun, fun) for them so I dropped them off and a hotel downtown and told them to find a nice bar there. Ugh! So, two drinks turned into them FINALLY calling me at 2:15 AM to go pick them up. Of course, I get there and the downtown is deserted since by then it is nearing 2:30 and everything is closed. It is one of those time where it is a good thing San Jose is truly one of the safest big cities.

For once I didn't 100% keep my mouth shut. It fell on deaf ears (although I will hand it to my mom...I think she only had 2 drinks and stuck to Coke the rest of the night...but she had 2 margaritas at dinner to begin with as did my aunt), but I did make it clear that they told me 2 drinks and that 2 drinks turning into them being out 5 1/2 hours and not where I dropped them was not fair to me and that it was a good thing I was already taking today off. I am taking it off so I could finish my Orientation packet. My aunt kept telling me not to be mad and my mom said it was no big deal.I am so glad I can't go to dinner with them tonight because I don't think I could keep my mouth shut in front of my grandparents.


There are times when I really think I truly hate my family.

I think I mentioned the scene my grandmother caused in the restaurant last night? I just got off the phone with her and she brought it up. I explained that it wasn't so much she was calling her estranged DIL, Bootsie (whom I have never met as well as my Uncle Pat) a "rhymes with witch," but that she did it more than once, she was loud, we were in a public place and there was another family in our section of the dining room. My Uncle Mike didn't even disagree with her...he just really didn't want to dredge up the past and we went through this drama the last time they came down. I said I didn't like it either, but it didn't really bug me until she started swearing loudly with a family with a child in the next booth.

Then she tells me she has taken a lot of (expletive) and all her life she has gotten the short end of the (expletive) stick, the kid has probably heard swearing before (not the point) and she can (expletive) well say what she wants to when she wants to. Plus, my mom uses that language all the time. True...it's like living in a rated R movie with gratuitous swearing but again...beside the point.

My mom excuses it to my grandma is almost 86 and will die soon. So, when we are close to our time we can throw common decency out the window???

On a positive note, yesterday was 23 months no self harm. Lately us has for sure been a conscious choice and I came close last night...but I was OK.

As Rob and I talked about all of this it comes down to I KNOW things are not going to change...they really won't. I know God can do anything...but I also know He may not do anything with my family. However, because I know God can do anything I continue to hold onto what amounts to unrealistic hope and that really is damaging.

No Surprises Here...

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

15% Upper Midwestern

5% Dixie

5% Yankee

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Last week my mom went to a job fair thingy at the Pavilion to be an usher. I drove and it was either sit around for up to three hours or be bored. So, I applied. I wasn't dressed to interview and I didn't put 100% into it (at first), but I made it through the first round. While I waited for intervew #2 mom was still waiting for #1. They called her and about a minute later I was called. They then took me to take a personality inventory "thingy." I came back and mom didn't make it to round 2. Yipes! On friday I learned I am one of the newest ushers at the HP Pavilion! Training starts tomorrow...if I can quir playing phone tage with the trainer and find out what time I need to be there!

I really am excited about this. I don't want to work a ton of hours, but it will give me Christmas money and not have to worry about paying for treatment or paying my car insurance. If I work 30 hours a month I'll be happy.

It is "funny" I will use the word depression here, but I can't with Rob. I think it is because when it is this bad it has never ended well and I don't want to give him "ammunition" by using the "D" word. But, we are working through it. I have been having a very hard time accepting the fact I can be enjoying something (i.e. youth group Sunday night) and yet have this underlying deep depression at the same time. Gee...the fact I can actually articulate any of that to Rob is a step in the right direction.

The new YD said something Sunday when she was talking about her son leaving for Iraq in the beginning of the war. She was upset (she hadn't seen him in a while) because he as closing up their St. Louis home and heading to war. She was sad and she was worried. Made sense to me. Then she basically said (I am paraphrasing) that God told her she can't/shouldn't feel any of that because her son was just on loan from Him. On some level I get that. Yes, all kids are on loan and she needs to trust in God's protection, peace, etc....but she is also human and she was having a human raction. If she dwelled in that worry and sadness there COULD be a problem...but if it is in the moment...well...she is feeling those things.

I think I cracked Rob up when I said I wanted to tell her she's human and those emotions are normal. He asked me what it was like to ant to say those things. I told him that I was thinking, "Rob doesn't think I am listening to him...but I am!"

It is still frustrating for him because I don't know where to start when I walk in there and lately I forget what we talk about. I left Thursday and was kinda not grounded. I was present yet not for the rest of Thursday and part of Friday. It was scary, but at least I didn't 100% dissociate.

Food is still an issue. I really haven't lost all that much weight, but enough to be noticed by some. I had a parent ask me Sunday and I admit it...I fibbed. My aunt and uncle are here from WA and we went out to dinner last night. I ate maybe 1/4 of it, but was able to hide it and make it seem as if I ate a lot more. Of course, now I have a ton of leftovers I have to deal with. I am supposed to eat at least once and we are going out again tonight so I don't know what to do.

Where I Am....

I always feel like I am whining when I talk about where I'm at...that is part of my problem.

Being pushed and prodded I have figured out (well...am admitting) I am in this deep, dark hole that feels like a no win situation for me. There is a part of me that knows that isn't true...but that's what it feels like.

I also learned that saying I feel bad is OK. It's a "duh" sort of thing, but let me explain. My first time at Remuda when we had our home groups we did a feelings check in. We had to be specific and "bad" would not have been specific. In my twisted little mind, six years later, I subscribe to that theory...one step further: If I don't know what "bad" means it doesn't count and isn't valid. Typing it out and even saying it on Monday I realize how lame that sounds...but there it is.

So, I have been minimizing how depressed I have been for the last couple of months. I have managed to pull myself together every morning and function and work and all that...but all I have wanted to do is go home and sleep and not leave my room. I "should" be happy I have been able to fight it. I "should" realize how many people have things worse than I do. However, I guess I use that so I can minimize what I do feel and to convince myself I don't have a reason to feel what I do.

For some odd reason I feel a lot of shame (I think) in saying I am really depressed. Ummm...I have major depressive disorder and will have times of depressive episodes...but I don't think I am convinced of it some of the time. It's funny because I know I am not making it up and yet I feel like I have to be because I can't find a trigger for it.

The biggest sign has been in the area of food. I actually had to shake hands with my dietitian that I would eat something before dinner and it has to be an addition. In other words, I can't eat carrots and then take risotto off my plate at dinner. She knows me way too well. I know we are supposed to do all this for ourselves, but as we talked yesterday it became very apparent that my sense self preservation has gone out the window. She asked me to do this for her. It goes against everything that Rob says about having healthy control...but I also know I am on this slope and I am losing ground fast.

It is so hard to describe how strong the urge to NOT add food truly is. I have always thought that those of us that restrict (whether or not we purge) have this definite superiority complex in the area of food. "Ha, ha...you need food and I don't." How lame is that? That feeling of "power" or maybe it's more accomplishment is very heady.

What I am finding is that restriction doesn't make any of the feelings go away. Heck, it doesn't even numb them anymore...not really. I know I am at the point that I either start really talking through all of this or just give up. Rob was really close to making me take a break and then I was able to spit out the whole feeling bad thing. After that he was able to really guide me through the tunnel, what that means, how I feel about it, etc. I think we hit on something that is going to work until I can express that stuff myself.

Joseph Calandrillo

Joseph Calandrillo is someone I don’t know…but is someone that many people knew and loved. He was one of the almost 3,000 killed five years ago in the terrorist attacks. He was working in the North Tower when American 11 hit floors 94-98. The company he worked for had offices in both Towers…all who were in the North Tower were killed.

As I was researching who Joseph was it was evident that he enjoyed his job at Reinsurance Solutions International, part of a larger company called Marsh & McLennan, with 58,000 employees worldwide. One article I found said that his last employee review was found among all the debris that “flooded” the streets of lower Manhattan. It said in part: “ Its blank business language said little about his life but indicated he was good at his job. His goal was to become proficient at newly assigned accounts. His accomplishments included reconciliations on co-broker business gone direct. But there was also this: Perfect attendance. Joseph Calandrillo got to work on time.”

His wife had this to say after 9/11: “Everyone always said my husband and I had a marriage you didn't see," she said. "We were always laughing and having a good time. We were best buddies. Our marriage was our greatest success."

Mrs. Calandrillo characterized them as a "Green Acres" couple. She loved the city; he loved the country. They lived in Brooklyn for a while and then, five years ago, moved to Hawley, PA. "I had my turn, so it was his turn," Mrs. Calandrillo said. "And I grew to love the country."

For Joseph, it was love at first sight and while it took his wife a little longer…it appears they would have been together for many, many years to come if it had not been to 9/11.

I found memorial sites that were set up for people to leave messages for the loved ones of those killed in all four sites five years ago and over and over again what I read about Joseph was that he was a great guy. He loved his wife, loved his job and loved people. He was a good friend. Those are qualities that we all should strive for.

I wish I could have found more information. I looked and looked, but many of the tribute pages contained the same exact information. Joseph was a loving husband who was killed on 9/11 at the age of 49. There are details about his remains…but I won’t repeat them here.

His wife has that piece of paper that was found months after the attacks and has saved it along with items sent by people throughout the country. As the first anniversary approached, his ’91 Oldsmobile was in the driveway and his sneakers in the den. She is active part of getting the memorial built at Ground Zero.

It’s impossible to forget where we were when the planes hit. I had just moved to Indiana and drove my grandfather to the airport for his return flight to CA that morning. He made it to Chicago and then was getting ready to take off when the airports were shut down.

I can’t imagine what Joseph’s wife felt as she watched the Towers collapsing and knowing that her husband was there. She had a last meaningful kiss from her husband that day. Something I am sure replays in her mind from time to time. Something I am sure she grateful to have had as they parted ways that day five years ago.

Take Me Higher

Take Me Higher

(Jars of Clay)

It took a lot to turn away,
Blood and water from one side.
It took your eyes to stare me down,
It took the truth to set me free, to set me free.

Lookin for a place to hide,
Waitin' for the wind to rise,
My soul is waiting,
Lookin for a place to hide,
I need a little peace tonight.

Take me higher than the sun, yeah you are the only one
Take me higher than the sun, yeah, yeah.

Around the ceiling of the heart,
Is where we find the things that send us away,
to where the blind can see the stars.
So do you see the stars, do you see the stars?

Looking for a place to hide,
Need a little peace tonight.

Take me higher than the sun, yeah you are the only one.
Take me higher than the sun yeah, yeah.
Take me higher than the sun yeah you are the only one.
Take me higher than the sun, yeah yeah.

Take me higher than the sun, you are the only one
You are the only one, you are the only one higher than the sun.

Sorry for the lack of real blogging. As usual, Jars of Clay say it better than me.

Work

(Jars of Clay)

Just in case
I will leave my things packed
So I can run away
I cannot trust these voices
I don't have a lot of prospects
That can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to
That can bring me sweet release

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing
That's taking all this work

Do you know
What I mean
When I say
"I don't wanna be alone"
What I mean
When I say
"I don't wanna be alone"

Empty spaces
Shadows hit by streetlights
The warning signs and weight
Of tired conversations

In the absence of a shoulder
In the absence of a thief
On the brink of this destruction
On the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets
And I'm living out
Every word they speak
Every word they speak

Do you know
What I mean
When I say
"I don't wanna be alone"
What I mean
When I say
"I don't wanna be alone"

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing
It's taking all this work

Razor Wire

The session before I went to Big Sur Rob asked me to really think about where I was at, what's going on inside, etc. I didn't ignore it...I just didn't share when I got back. As I thought about it...what came to mind is that I feel like there is a huge ball of razor wire in the center of my being and that I am not sure what it worse...having it there or trying to untangle it becomes each barb makes breathing hurt.

Food hasn't been going so well and went into yesterday only having had some nachos (and not finishing the order) about 6:00 the night before at the American Idols Live tour(which was awesome). I know better...but I have zippo interest in food right now.

Anyway, when I come in with nothing in my body it isn't good and the session was really rocky and he began his lecture. At the end he said he knew I had something to say so he was going to give me the time to say it. I did. Then came the part that has kept me from sharing it the past two weeks...the very next thought that goes through my head when I think about telling him all this is that he's not going to believe me. By this time I'm crying and I told him that thought is totally unfounded...he has NEVER given me reason to think he doesn't believe me.

So, I gave us a new starting point and I dread it.

On a positive note...my grandpa and I are going to the 49ers game tonight!

Mural

I am so bummed...I thought I had downloaded all my pix from the mural and I didn't. This is just one side. I'll take new pix of the other wall.

Lock-In Pix

I am missing one of the girls because she managed to duck the camera all night. I'm really bummed.

I Survived!

The Lock In went very well. It went really, really, realy well!

We started off at the church getting the kids' stuff in the Jr. High room. "P" was late so one of the mom's said she'd drive the kids to house #1 and we left a note for "P" to meet us there. He actually arrived maybe 10 minutes after we did which wasn't bad! The first house was appetizers and the family went all out...potato skins (from scratch), cocktail sausage thingies, veggies, fruit and soda. The kids forgot they had two more houses and really dug in!

House #2 was our main course. It was a chili cassrole type dish with the cornbread baked on top. We also had spinach and grapes. The kids sdid well...but were still a little on the full side from house #1.

House #3 was within walking distance of house #2 so we walked to get ready for dessert. One the menu were sundaes and mini-chocolate chip muffins.

After our feast we headed to Laser Quest for three games of laser tag. My gun didn't work the first round and by round three I was ranked 11th. Not too bad. It's been three years since I played.

We came back to the church and "C" called his mom (he wasn't going to stay all night and changed his mind). She brought his stuff and his X-box that we hooked up to the big screen in the Bible Times Theater room (it looks like a movie theater and we use it for our elementary program). So, "C" and "S" settled in there while the other guy, "G" stayed with all th girls to watch "Mean Girls." Unlike "S" and "C," "G" playes multiple sports and multiple competitive teams and I am not sure if his family even owns an X-box, Playstation, etc. The movie ended about 10 minutes to 2:00 AM and we shut it all off and went to sleep. We got the kids up at 7:15 to start getting them ready to head home at 8:00 AM.

I'll post pictures soon. The Jr. High group is small but has always been "guy heavy." This is the first event in recent memory (which goes back 4 years as of 9/1/06) where the girls out numbered the guys. A couple "regulars" didn't attend and in some ways that was good for the three guys who were there. So, while I missed them, it worked out great!

One of the girls asked me when the next one was going to be! HA! That isn't up to me anyway since I am just a volunteer. But, the kids did give me suggestions that I will pass onto Debra. She joined us for one round of laser tag (the high school lock-in was going on as well back at the church) so the kids could meet her and get the chance to take shots at her in the game.

I am one of those youth ministry freaks that LOVE lock-ins so after a month or so of rest I could do it again...but we probably won't do one again for another 6 months or so!

Tickers...

Lock-in Prep!

This Friday is our final summer "fling" with a lock-in. The advantages of a small group is that we are starting off with a Progressive Dinner and then heading to Laser Quest for three rounds of Laser Tag. Then it is back to the Jr. High Room for snacks, movies/sleep and then I start waking them up at about 7:30 AM so they will be ready to leave by 8. We were averaging a whole 4 kids during the year and maybe 7 this summer at Pool and Praise...we have double that coming this weekend. "G" is bringing 2 friends, "M" is bringing one which is AWESOME because we have had a hard time getting her involved in Jr. High (then again...her older bros aren't involved with high school ministry either) and "C" is also bringing a friend. For one of the 6th graders this will be his first Jr. High event and I am so excited about that.


Debra (the new Youth Director) will join us for Laser Tag...but it is pretty much in the hands of me and Paul. It is looking (right now) that she will spend the majority of time with high school and Paul and I will lead Jr. High. There is a parent meeting next week, but I will be at the American Idols in Concert thingie. It's confusing trying to figure out my role for now on. All I know is she wants me to stay on board and that's the important thing. I ove my Junior Highers...especially the 6th graders because I have been with them for almost FOUR years as it is. The running joske is that they are "stuck" with me for three more years but then I won't be able to see them go and will jump ship to high school. I don't think so. I think I am staying put. Then again, who knows what God has in store?

Big Sur

Rats!

After being able to volunteer for one glorious year at NYWC I got turned down. I am so bummed because that was the only way I was going to get to go. I thought I did a good job last year.

I'll post more when I have time to sit down and write a proper post along with pictures!

Big Sur was great and I could have used a few more days. Coming back was not a good thing (except for work) and I am a stress monster already.

It was good to see Rob again, but we kind of didn't do a whole lot other than talk about my trip. I am sure we'll jump right back in on Thursday. I was really close to actually saying my mom made me...well...I was able to say "really irritated." Believe me...that is progress!

I got to church Sunday and "my" mural was almost done! I'll post pictures after I recharge my battery!

My Week...

This has been an interesting week:

1. Monday night Marshmallow went chasing after a cat he thought was ours (they look alike). It was the stray that comes over here from time to time. Marshmallow charged in and they fought…the DOG lost to the CAT. The dog only weighs like 5 pounds, but it’s still kind of funny. The cat either dug in a couple teeth or claws and we had to take him in Tuesday to have him checked out. Poor Marsh is scared of everything now. It’s so sad.

2. Wednesday I went to go see “World Trade Center.” It was good…not as in a good piece of entertainment but good as in how we can spur one another on and what happens when we don’t give up. Tribute the human spirit and focused on the men…not on everything else that was going on. If they didn’t see it, Stone didn’t show it so we never saw the planed go into the WTC. This was not a bad thing. We saw what the families were going through, what the rescue workers were doing and how amazing it was the men lived. I didn’t cry until the last 15 minutes or so…but it wasn’t sad tears. I left the movie and good ‘ol TJ Holmes from our local NBC affiliate was there with a cameraman. We made eye contact and he asked me if I just cam from WTC. I said yes and he asked to interview me. I said okay and we did about 7 minutes. I knew if anything was used it would be about 30 seconds. My Communications degree kicked in and I know I gave him good sound bytes (not that I tried…but it was a natural thing…stick a microphone in my face and I give you a sound byte you can use). During the 5:00 PM news they ran the story at the end of the ½ hour and it was part of my interview. I had to leave fro Pool and Praise, but they re-ran the story at 6:00 PM and from what my mom said it was a longer piece with part of another interview and extended footage of me. I looked like a flipping whale.

3. Thursday Rob asked me what I felt when I was hit as a kid. I sat there for a couple minutes and conjured up times I was hit and it was like watching a movie. I told him I could see it plain as day and I know that it’s me getting hit…but I can make NO emotional connection with it at all. It was the first time that we ever talked about me disassociating when the abuse happened. I never thought about that. Rob isn’t the first one I have said that to. “Everyone” else said that made sense, but I don’t remember delving any deeper into it. Of course part of me thinks that maybe it’s not a BAD thing that I can’t connect the emotion to the action. I told him I’m not sure which one I preferred…the physical abuse or the verbal/emotional. I think I choose the physical.

4. Friday I went and bought a new (larger) cooler for my camping trip, a cool party grill/camp stove thing (we have one, but it doesn’t work right and I’d rather not chance it), a couple books and some sample size stuff (i.e. Wet Ones) to make packing easier. I am doing laundry now. I always want to over pack…but I’m not going to. I need a pair of jeans for riding, my overalls and another pair of jeans to have on hand. I also want to bring my other overalls and another pair of jeans…but I’m not going to. Other than horseback riding I am just going to relax and read and take walks…I don’t need every piece of denim I own! Or do I????

Oh…AND MY MOM DIDN’T PASS HER PROBATION AT WORK. She wasn’t catching on fast enough. Ummm….couldn’t hey have told her that and given her a shot to improve before the time was up? Sigh…

I got the tent out and put it together to make sure I could do it on my own. It took maybe 20 minutes because it is a two person job (last year I had to ask someone for help). It can be done alone…it’s just not that easy. It’ll be a breezy 75 next week so I won’t freak when I can’t do it right away. Monday I bought an air mattress and a lantern (with lots of batteries) so I am set. I wish I could leave sooner…I can’t wait to get out of here!

Next week I am going camping in Big Sur. Last year, I saw the link on Marko's blog and it sounded perfect for me as I can easily get there from San Jose. I just wasn’t sure if it would work out. The cost isn’t a lot but, when you figure in my PT Children’s Pastor/Volunteer Jr. High worker, it can be hard to save up the $$. I was paid a bit for house sitting and even more for speaking at the retreat.

I should have done this weeks ago. VBS took a lot out of me and I didn’t so anything to recharge. Better late than never! I am looking forward to three days of rest and nature and that’s it. Even though I was the retreat speaker I was able to have some real quiet time to myself and I long for that again.

So, while I am really trying not to run through the money I made last month I did buy a few need/want items:

1. Retail therapy at Old Navy last week. Anytime I can get a pair of jeans for $6.97 is a good day!
2. The cost of the camp site for three nights.
3. An air mattress and lantern for the trip (as well as batteries, a cutting board and food saver bags).
4. A grill/griddle combo from Crate & Barrel I have had my eyes on for the past month and my first piece of silicon bake ware.

$100 will go for my first car insurance payment of my new year and after that…it depends on a few things. I may try and head to So Cal for a few days between Turkey Day and Christmas. I haven’t been there for the holidays in a long time and I miss it.

Anyway, I have been looking at stuff to do while I am in Big Sur. I seriously thought about splurging on a spa day. HA! Number one, I don’t think I deserve to pamper myself in that way and number two…the prices are outrageous. I looked at a few sites and found out I can go horseback riding!!!

I haven’t been on a horse in about 3 ½ years, but I miss it soooo much. So, I am going to splurge on at least one ride…maybe even two! We’ll see how the first one goes! They do beach rides and trail rides through the redwoods. I want to do one of each, but we’ll see. I really fell in love with riding when I was at Remuda the first time. I was so scared to even groom a horse, let alone ride the darn thing. It became one of my favorite things to do…especially after I was assigned a permanent horse. I adored Sam and we went fast! He gave me a confidence I haven’t had in a very long time. This is going to be a great thing! One ride is two hours and I am not sure if I can stand it that long after not riding for so many years…but it might be fun.

I am going to take some books (I need to hit the library this week and I have a bunch of books to return), my ipod and just try and relax. Last year’s camping trip was too short. I only went for two nights and then up to San Francisco for a night and didn’t relax as much as I would have liked. I need to snap out of vacation mode though…too much to do this week!

I don’t remember how old I was…somewhere between 4-6 I guess. I don’t remember the circumstances after all these years and I suppose it doesn’t really matter. I got mad at my mom for some reason. I am sure it was your typical little kid stomping his/her feet mad about whatever was most important in that little snippet in time. I got sent to my room and I thought that was the end of it. I fall asleep and the next thing I know I am being hit/spanked hard several times for getting mad at her. That may have been the first time, but it wasn’t the last.

There are other memories (some faint…some more impressions, but events that did happen) of times when I “dared” show emotion and it was met with violence and/or verbal abuse. At some point I avoided/repressed/stuffed/whatever you want to call it all those “negative/bad” emotions and taught myself to be numb to them. To feel them…even to acknowledge them in most cases…means that I have to be punished. I know a lot of kids are told to stop crying or “I’ll give you something to cry about,” it was a reality for me.

Rob reminded me that his office is like a “container and that nothing that happens in there (other than the usual threat to myself and others. Although, he has shown that even when I have been a threat to myself it stays there) leaves there. That really isn’t much of an issue. I know all that. It’s just talking about the feelings/emotions period. But, even though I know in my head that his office is the safest place in my world, it’s the little ED voice in my head telling me that I need to stop talking so much. Not that I have been talking a whole lot…though I would guess that in the last two weeks I have probably allowed myself to be a lot more vulnerable than I have in almost the last two years. Amazing what happens when you tell your therapist you think you have been mad at him for the last 21 months or so!

So, I struggle to eat and not shove my fingers down my throat. I continue to try and articulate exactly what goes on in my head to Rob without self editing almost everything that leaves my mouth and I try to steel myself for the inevitable plunge into the “depths of my pain.” Of course, I am camping next week so this is one time while I personally need the time away…with what is going on in therapy the timing isn’t so great!

Just Breathe...

“Breathing is highly overrated.” I actually said that to Rob yesterday. I was actually able to tell him all I blogged about yesterday. It is one thing to post it and let whoever reads this thing read what’s going on in my head, but it is truly another to put it out there…out loud…to Rob. That is pretty silly…but it is what it is. He was asking me how I felt about what I was feeling and sitting with it. I told him it was making me anxious and I guess my breathing had become pretty shallow because he told me to take a few deep breaths. That’s when I told him breathing was overrated. He told me to do it anyway. I did. I did and the “weirdest” thing happened…I wanted to cry.

Yes, I am feeling insecure and yes I get that it makes a lot of sense…but in that deep breathing another thought occurred to me. The way I was dropped to PT…the way I was cut off from the youth when I got home from Remuda LIFE stunk! It was like the 8 months never existed…that my work as Director of Children’s Ministry was intact…but that I had no ministry with the youth at all. So, it’s taken me three years to begin to allow myself to feel how much that hurt. It was such a shock when I came home that I didn’t really react. I guess I did…I went right back to purging and cutting soon after coming home. Rob told me he doesn’t remember all of it, but he does remember thinking how huge a blow that had to be for me and yet I kind of just went on with things.

Yesterday was also the first time he even mentioned PTSD. I think we never really talk about any of my dx because 1) I am more than my dx and 2) he knows them, I know them and to dwell on them takes time away from dealing with them. It was still a little jarring to hear him say the word…ummm…acronym.

He asked me if I felt the difference the last few sessions…the openness that truthfully hasn’t been there. It’s funny to say I have been afraid to be open with him, but that’s the truth. I know it comes from being so afraid if I did/said something “wrong,” that he’d terminate me and being able to finally articulate that to him is making a difference.

With this new openness also comes the other reason I did not want to be open in the first place: I still can’t sit with my feelings well and the very fact I “exposed” them to Rob sends the signal to my brain that I need to be punished. I’ve been down this road before with Greg and it’s not a pretty sight. Rob and I have talked about this in the past. We both knew that when I started to be this open, started to allow the feelings to be there and not immediately do something to quell them that the urges would be there and be strong. He reminded me of this yesterday and I told me to do whatever I have to (aside from behaviors) do to make it through…including emailing/calling his VM a lot if need be. I have cut back on both of those. I email him maybe 1-2 times a month (unless it is something goofy) and the same with the phone calls.

I wish I could describe what I mean by the “need to be punished.” I know there are some of you out there that get what I mean…but it’s hard to articulate that need without sounding like a total nutcase!

The Green Eyed Monster

Normally, I am not a jealous person. I may say the word in jest…but I try to be content and for the most part, I don’t have a whole lot to be jealous about!

Lately, I have found myself feeling jealous of the relationships that Debra will be building with the kids. I WANT them to love her (heck…I think she’s awesome!), I want them to build a strong bond with her and yet at the same time…I have been worried about where that would leave me. UGH! I hate that I even think that…but think it I do. I have really worked hard the last four years developing relationships with the kids and over the past several months reestablishing relationships with the Jr. Highers and even some of the high school students.

“G” came home from vacation while I was gone. Ron always used to tell us we needed to have a ”Timothy” to our “Paul.” “G” has really been that the last year. She calls me her 2nd best friend. I knew she was going to love Debra and at the same time was worried she’d abandon our bond. Silly,silly me. Nothing has changed at all. She left me this goofy profile on my office door (which was pretty dead on) the other day and last night she would not leave my side during “Pool and Praise.” Her mom told me she has been dying for me to get home and for her to get home so we could see each other. I think it is really funny because I could be her mom. Her mom is older than I am, but “G” is 11 and I could easily be her mom. Last night she made me promise I’d go up to Mt. Hermon with them. I told her I am on the committee that plans the retreat so of course I will be there. However, what I didn’t tell her was that I will more than likely be in a leadership cabin.

I do understand that this is all normal with someone new coming in. It makes absolute sense and I knew some of these feelings were coming. I also know I “shouldn’t” be judging them…but I do. Even though the feeling makes sense…that doesn’t mean I “should” feel that way. In my head I feel as if I have no reason to feel so insecure. I try and tell myself that I have had ample time to get used to this and so I shouldn’t feel as I do. At least I can take a step back and see it and that is a good thing. Now I just need to learn to let those feelings be there and not try to avoid them.

Food has been a struggle. I was actually amazed about a couple things. I didn’t 100% watch every bite I put in my mouth while I was house sitting. Well, I did, but I didn’t always “punish” myself afterward. I could stand it no more and got on the scale this morning. I actually haven’t gained. I haven’t lost…but I haven’t gained either. On the one hand I think this is great and it shows my body will not go out of whack just because I eat “normally.” On the other hand, I think of what the scale would do if I keep up the restriction. I see Toni tomorrow and we can process that through.

I think these mini-breaks with Rob have been good in some ways. The first 10-day break was not something I wanted and we just went through another one. We have one more week-long one coming up. I have a bunch of comp time coming from VBS so I am going camping for a few days the week of the 14th. I will see him that day and then take the 17th off. It’s helped me process things at a little slower pace and has actually helped me to be a little more open. I think…we’ll see after today’s session!

Home Again...

I survived. I survived house sitting, I survived the retreat and I survived going back home! This is good.

My other computer died...the one with all my notes and talks on it. I had to redo everything before I left. So, I am really happy with how things turned out considering I had to try and recall everything! As promised, the feedback from the group was pretty much nothing...but a couple people did come up to me and let me know that certain things really hit them. I think, for the most part, the Prayer Walk went well. I had an age range from 5th grade to 30-something. God really showed up. We had never talked about money and I wasn't sure if I was going to get paid (which was fine...this was my first time speaking in a very long time. Anyway, I was handed an envelope when I got there and I looked at it when I got to my room. Between what they paid me and the little bit I got for house sitting…I made just a couple hundred less than what I usually do each month. I am so going away for a few days!

I felt pretty good about it. Friday night and Saturday I think went very well. Sunday was okay. Sunday when I spoke to both the English and Taiwanese congregations was rushed out of my nervousness. God was there though…no doubt about that.

The session with Rob yesterday was “interesting.” Actually, I pretty much was able to tell him everything I had posted here last week and it went pretty well once I started. Heck…I even CRIED…that is a rarity. I hate to have him see me cry in any way, shape or form.

He did tell me while he’d never tell me it is OK to engage in behaviors, if I did slip, it wouldn’t mean termination. That still leaves me with the impression that slipping is not an okay thing. I did tell him I do hate the fact that I still see behaviors as my first option. I need to figure out why. I think most of it is the familiarity of them and for the stupid “high” you do get…the release. We discussed that in many ways I am like a “dry drunk” and he has a point there as well.

I am really hoping that since I was able to actually tell him that I thought I have been mad at him for the past 21 months and he SMILED as I said it (I think he has been waiting for this day…not what I said but the fact that I admitted to possibly being mad at anyone) and saying it was OK that the blocks I have had…the walls I have built up even in his office…will begin to crumble because I can obviously tell him ANYTHING.

Ack!

Tomorrow the retreat starts! Ack! I think I am pretty well prepared...but we'll see. I just know God is going to show up and I think that's why I am so calm. I have got to get the Prayer Walk/Stations thing done tonight though. As I pack up and get ready to leave my house sitting gig!

What is Going on in My Head?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Bueller?

Change is good. Change is a part of life. But, I think change is what is kicking off the ED stuff in my head. Of course the timing stinks because Rob and Toni are on vacation, but change waits for no one. Not that I can't handle it...I am pretty sure I CAN and it's not even bad stuff...but I think it is just uncovering wounds that haven't quite healed.

I feel silly for letting Debra starting at church get to me. I met with her for almost three hours. I love her, I think she can make stuff happen that I wanted to...but for reasons not all ED related...probably wouldn't have in the first place and I know the kids are going to love her as well. Yet, it still hurts. I think the good thing is I can hear Rob tell me that as much as I don't want it to or as much as I tell myself that it "shouldn't" hurt that the reality is it does. And it makes sense why. Hating myself for feeling what I am isn't helping, blah, blah blah...

The thing is that I can tell myself all that...but he's in Santa Barbara (or will be) and I have a hard time sitting with it alone. I do understand where it comes from. I loved the kids, I loved being their YD, but it's been over for three years and honestly, I wouldn't take the job back if they offered it (I like being "just" a volunteer), but it's still hard to see someone else in that role. I knew those feelings would probably surface, but I think I am surprised they actually DID.

The first thing I want to do is purge those feelings. There are times I want to yell at Rob and tell him it's not fair that I had to give up behaviors before I was ready to do it for myself...that I did it more out of fear of what would happen if I couldn't control them. Then I want to tell him that in such and such a movie (thanks, Lifetime) so and so's therapist didn't make her quit until she was ready to release the behaviors herself. But, this isn't a made for TV movie. I am beginning to think I am really mad at Rob for pretty much making me give it all up cold turkey. Not that I want to go back. But, I need to know it is not the end of the world if I slip at some point in time.

Stuff

Let's see...

1. The new Youth Director started and she ROCKS! I am excited to have her on staff, to have be part of her YM team and for what God is going to do through her. She feels many of the same things about the group that has been flaoting in my head and I know she is the catalyst that will bring that stuff to fruition.

2. House sitting is going well. I am getting used to it...which is kinda bad since the 30th I will be back to my house and all that goes with it. Thought tomorrow I may go over there. I miss my doggies. I like Molly...but it is not quite the same.

3. Food is starting to improve. It's hard because of the heat...but I'm doing it. I just hate it because of how I feel everytime I need to start from scratch...should be incentive. However, there are times I really, really, really like the feeling of no food in my body and that far outweighs anything else much of the time.

4. Rob goes on vacation next week. I was expecting it (he confirmed last week), but I wish it wasn't the week before the retreat I am speaking at. I could just use that safe place next week before I do this thing. At least if I stink too bad I won't worry about them spending $$ on me...I only get mileage. The theme is "God's Presence" and thanks to Chris over at Paradoxology, I got some ideas that spurred other things in my head.

5. Numbers. I am working on that one this week with Rob. What they mean to me, why they mean anything, what they get in the way of, etc. I told him a huge motivation for not engaging in behaviors are my numbers. I don't want to break my streak, but I thought that was not a good motivation. Then I got really honest and told him the other motivation was what happened the last time I used a behavior (other than restriction). Granted, I had kept Rob in the dark for a week, but the look on his face, the silence in the office, the fact he was almost going to terminate me for being "defiant," has been a deterrent to be sure. I am also sure in the past almost 21 months that I have embellished in my head his reaction...but maybe not. Don't want to find out.

I was worried about what I had said when I mailed him later he thought it was "honest and refreshing" and wants me to wear a mirror on my head so he can watch his facials! HA! He is a nut. Which I remind him of everytime I bake him something with nuts in them.

Time Flies...

Pool and Praise went well. Seven kids came which is more than usually come to youth group on Sunday nights! Okay, that's because we don't have a ton of Junior Highers...but with the new kids moved up that will change come fall.

Yesterday I was taking Molly out for a walk and walked a mile and a half. This is a good and bad thing. The part of me that liked to overexercise would do this several times a day. However, the weather makes it a moot point. I wore the poor dog out!

On our way back to the house, we passed a Planned Parenthood. Just speaking in terms of rights...PP has every right to be there and the protesters have every right to protest on public property. However, from a 1/2 block away hearing these "well meaning Christians" yell at a client and then getting closer and seeing the PP staff has to have dogs with them, has to block off their property, etc. Well, it just rubbed me the wrong way. That's all I am going to say about that.

I should give up food. 1) I don't need it and 2) I have had the worst luck lately. I decided to buckle down and eat three meals yesterday. I did. But, the chicken I made for dinner didn;t make it BACK to the fridge last night. Ugh. I was so bummed. So, decided to cook the steak I bough the other day. It looked "funny." I checked the "sell by" date. In the trash it had to go. Like I have $$ to waste. I would think this is all subconscious, but I LIKED the way my chicken turned out and I would have been thrilled to have leftovers. Grrrr....

I still need to write my retreat talks. It's all in my head...I just need to get it all on paper!

Pool and Praise!

Tonight starts our annual summer "Pool and Praise." I have NO clue who is coming. As usual, no one bothers to tell me these things...even when I ask. I expect it will be the "usual suspects," and I am bringing one of them with me!

This summer we pretty much have stopped everything (Sunday School and "normal" youth group)and next year I am either going to really push for no SS for all...or make sure that someone else does child care and we do have something for Jr. High...especially with the new 6th graders moving up. This has got to be a little strange for them...even though they know all the others anyway.

I am going to take them through Steven James' "Never be the Same." I think it will appeal to all of them. Then I will have a few of the follow up questions on the Jr. High blog. This means "S" and "G" and "M" will be the only ones who answer...but it'll be OK.

The new Youth Director starts Monday. I can't wait to meet with her. I have no clue of she is going to do what I did (be with high school and let the volunteers run Jr. High) or if she has a new structure in mind. I really want to give a lot of Children's Ministry leadership away in the fall. Not so I can pursue Jr. High (afterall, I am "just" a volunteer), but because I need to and I want to and I think we are really in a place where equipping people will be a huge success.

My SP told me that after almost four years, some people aren't quite sure what I do and others are confused about the new hire and think I'm leaving. Ummm...I haven't been Youth Director in THREE years! HELLO! I can't tell you how well this is all communicated. Home meetings, Town meetings, newsletter, power point, how I introduce myself from the pulpit when I do announcements, etc. Okay, the fact people still think I am "in charge" of youth...kind of neat...but I pray that causes no problems for Debra. I think she is going to be INCREDIBLE and may be just the person to knock these kids out of their Holy Huddle syndrome. It took me a good 12 months to do that at my first church and I see a lot of similarities. Most of these kids (Jr. High through High School) have been together since they were born!

Anyway, pray for us tonight. I know the boys will be annoyed at the "praise" part of the night...but that's life!

Grrr...Why is this SO Hard?????

I should be in bed...or at least trying to relax and get some sleep. But, I am sitting here wanting to cut into my skin and make a box of Mac n' Cheese and throw it up. The worst thing is I don't know WHY.

I can think of some superficial reasons...but nothing really deep down and all that "fun" stuff. Maybe some of it is carry over from my faux pas from last week and not being able to resolve anything since I won't see Rob until Thursday. Maybe it is house sitting...I don't know how to be alone anymore. I really don't. As much as my mom drives me nuts...at least there is another person around. This is pathetic.

Besides giving in being a really, really bad choice...the only other reason I'm not is that I don't want to break my streaks. That be a lousy reason...but it's all I got right now!

Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

This week I was fortunate enough to go to the 2nd game of the 4 game series between the Oakland A's and the Angels. Sorry, I REFUSE to call them by their full name. This is my third game this season...one in Anaheim, one at AT&T (thank you interleague play) and this one. I got a single ticket from eBay for a little less than 1/2 of what the person paid for it. I was in section 114, row 9, seat 11. Now, that is right behind the Angel dugout. It may have been row 9...but it was only FOUR rows up from the dugout. OMG!!! I was in heaven!

Lackey absolutely rocked (except for his first pitch...but who cares?)and I got to see Tim Salmon play. Okay, he went 0 for 4...but the fact he is there and on the roster is good enough for me. I have watched him his whole career as he went from Tom "freshly cooked" Salmon to "King Salmon."

They took 3 of 4 and are going into the All Star break 2 games in back of the A's and Rangers and a 1/2 game ahead of Seattle. They needed the wins!

People are generally very nice to me when I go to the games in all my Angels garb. Okay, that consists of a t-shirt and sweatshirt, but they are red and people know where my heart lies. But, I a not obnoxious about my fondness for the Angels and even I know the umpires made some pretty bad calls against the A's and shared that with those around me. Not that those calls caused the A's to lose the game...but they were pretty bad.

Chavez was up for the A's and I told the guys next to me I have mixed feelings because he is on my Fantasy team. That sealed it. They were stunned that a woman would even participate in a league and that kept them from bugging me about like the Angels for the rest of the game.

I am house sitting for the rest of the month and it's nice. A little weird...but nice. This also means I have DSL for the rest of the month and I love that!

Trying to be Positive...

So...it was very weird being home today instead of in Rob's office and playing with Frederick's ear as we talked. I had to cancel Monday so I will have all his money and be back on track NEXT Thursday.

Anyway, I talked to my SP yesterday and he is 100% fine with me continuing on with Jr. High! I don't know why he keeps pointing out that they can't pay me. Duh. I know that. I am just looking forward to meeting the new YD and helping in any way I can.

I Try...

Working PT, I try really hard to watch how I spend money. I have two credit cards only...one "normal" credit card and one from Old Navy. I could give up my other one no problem...but I "need" my Old Navy one and have been very good about both of them. Until my So Cal trip...so no more using the MC for at least six months. I try and make more than the minimum payments on both and usually succeed.

This month is turning into the worst first two weeks of any month financially in a long time. In the next few days I have my MC payment, my AAA membership renewal, my car insurance payment, I put off my cat's rabies booster so now I have to get it or I will be fined by the city and one more thing I can't recall. I worked and worked my numbers and even if one of two reimbursement checks I am getting for supplies and VBS stuff, I will barely make it to next Friday's pay day.

Yesterday, I emailed Rob and Toni to let them I am pretty sure I'd have to cancel my appointments. As I looked at my account and added it all up, there was no way I could spend an extra $130 on treatment stuff this week. It's just not there.

With Toni it was no problem. I rescheduled. NEVER in 3 1/2+ years have I ever had to cancel Rob. We have rescheduled (by his request at times and at my request as well, such as last week for VBS), we have cancelled when we are out of town and I let him know weeks in advance and vice versa. But, I have never had to cancel for any other reason. I haven't even seen his cancellation policy since the day I walked into his office. THAT is a huge, costly mistake:

Cancellation Policy

Cancellation needs to be made at least 50 hours (2 days for weekly schedule) or 100 hours (4 days for every-other-week schedule) in advance from the time of your appointment to avoid being charged for the session. Please do note that you will be responsible for full payment of session if you do not cancel before your scheduled appointment. ALSO NOTE THAT CANCELLATION NEEDS TO BE BY PHONE – NOT E-MAIL.

So, I had to cancel because I don't have the $80 to see him tomorrow and yet I now owe him that money anyway. I had to cancel Toni for next week so I can pay him what I owe him on top of the $100 a week I already pay him. At this point I may cancel Monday so I have the money to pay him all $160 next Thursday.

I know the policy isn't there to punish me...but oh my gosh. I have never missed an appointment, never cancelled on a whim. I have been there faithfully 2x a week for most of the 3 1/2+ years. You'd think there be at least one "grace" screw up. Heck, at RR you get one grace meal when you get there!

I feel like an idiot. I was cancelling so I wouldn't be cutting myself short and now I am still all screwed up this month.

Why I "Hate" the 4th of July...

Okay, I don't really. It's just been a LONG four hours with my grandparents and my mom and I am so glad she is going off to her room and will leave me alone for the rest of the night.

Actually, six years ago on the 4th of July I was bored to death because I was a 1a (I had been at RR for three days) and as such was not allowed to play any of the games nor walk anywhere until my labs came back. It was actually a BETTER 4th than today.

Not that it has been a huge disaster or anything, but it just grates on me when my grandmother refers to spumoni as "wop ice cream," she is just buzzed enough to bemoan some old boyfriend 20 years her junior about 40 years ago who brought her a dozen long stemmed roses on the 4th of July and my mother on the couch sleeping the day away. Oh, and my grandmother ants me to try and use the 'Net to track the giy down. Ummm....no. It was really nice escaping to my grandfather's bedroom and reading his newspaper and watching TV with him. Can today be over already?

Oooo...news on the new Youth Director! One of my Jr. High girls posted on our chat box on the Children's Ministry blog who it is. Gigi's mom is on Session so that is how she knows. Anyway, at the end of May we had one of our Coffee Houses/Open Mic. nights. This awesome African American family attended and honestly I was thinking Choir Director and not Youth Director when they showed up. Anyway, the mom from that family is going to be the new Youth Director and that is too, too awesome! Her daughter has an incredible voice and I hope she'll join the Youth Worship Team. I can't wait to officially meet them! I think it is going to be a GOOD thing!

Monday Musings

VBS 2006 is over. All I need to do is move the stuff we put in the narthex to storage and remove the Daily Challenge Flags to my office. I need to clean up the Children’s Church room, make returns to Berean Christian Store and then wait for Group to release the 2007 theme next Monday.

I am not sure I can adequately express what last week meant, how it went, etc. Not because I don’t know how it went…but because I have failed to engage in those feelings. As an outsider looking in, I think it was fantastic. We only had 25 kids, but they sang, they ran, they loved their leaders and you could tell they were having a blast. The feedback has been 100% positive…from the leaders, from the kids and from the parents. They told me about their kids singing VBS songs in the car all the time, they told me how much the kids loved their leaders and they thanked me for all my hard work. Heck, I’d do it again in a heartbeat…I am still exhausted…but it is all worth it.

My constant refrain is that I don’t deserve to feel good about what happened last week. I was simply doing my job. Rob told me there is no “deserve” about it and I get that in my head…but the rest of my being just scream that I don’t deserve to take any enjoyment out of what happened. It is selfish, self-centered and my volunteers deserve all the credit. Without them it could not have happened. Rob and I talked about choice…that when “I don’t deserve” pops up I have a choice what to believe. I told him I understand that, but it doesn’t feel like a choice. It doesn’t feel like I have the option of believing it or not…it just is.

Then I again told him what I hate to admit. I hate to admit it because even though it is true…it goes against every single thing I know to be true as a Christian. I told him that it would be so much easier to see these things as choices or to question my belief in certain things if I didn’t hate myself so much. The “funny” thing about that is I can look at things through a 3rd person lens and can’t figure out WHY or HOW I can possible hate myself with such a passion at times.

I have a job that while only PT I have come to love more than I ever thought possible. I have some great relationships with the Jr. Highers that are authentic and that means there is something there they see that I cannot. One of my friends asked me if the 5th and 6th graders were OK with coming to VBS. I could honestly tell her they like me so they are cool with it. For better or worse, I am fairly capable in the kitchen and love to share that gift with friends, family and Rob. I know that I know that I know I am not faking any of it; I can see where God has gifted me for ministry and am in the right place for this time in my life but there is that constant gnawing, that constant voice and the feeling at the core of me that it’s wrong…that I am wrong…that I am an example of a total failure.

It’s like I should just be able to tell myself that I know that has to be a bunch of baloney because if it were really true how could I walk into the Nursery and see John turn around and give me a huge smile or Anna let me cuddle her or kids I barely met at the beginning of the week giving me hugs and telling me they will be back next year!

We finally hired a Youth Director. I am excited and yet a little worried. It’s been three years since the job was stripped from me, but I am still not sure how I really feel. I wish it were a guy…I think it’d be easier! My biggest fear is that they are going to take Jr. High away from me. I can follow…that is not a problem and yet I can see why they would want me 100% out of the picture to let someone new make the connections. If that happens I know I am going to have some problems readjusting. I want to and need to support the new person so I will do it if I am asked…but I pray that they will allow me to continue on.

Quick Post

This is what I said about Day Two:

You know VBS is going well when...

1. kids (who are not "mine") give you the craft they made that day.

2. the day over and they STILL want you to lead songs (and you aren't a great singer at ALL)

3. they start a conga line during said songs and dance around the Chapel

4. they think making snack for everyone is fun!

Today being the midpoint...energy was a little down...but we all had fun. I am going to have very mixed feelings when it is over.

Food is really, really, REALLY difficult right now. I think I used the heat and VBS as an excuse to cut way back. Now one of the church family's wants to take me dinner to celebrate VBS this weekend. Ugh. I want to tell them know...but they are so supportive of me, my ministry at WPC and we are in the same small group...so now I am trying to find a "safe" place to tell them we can go to.

VIVA!!

So much to say...no time. But, I did want to pop in here and say hi to whomever may still be lurking about!

I have a confirmed 25 for VBS. Now for some that may not seem like a lot...for us it is a great number considering last year we had 14 and a lot of them were our kids. This year? I think 6 or 7 are church kids and the rest are from the community. Things are coming together, but my inflatable cacti will NOT be coming and I have a huge hole in my decorating scheme. I ordered in time, they are just back ordered. I'd order from OTC and have them rush it to my house, but I don't have the $$.

More later...I hope!

Life as I Know It...

That little logo says it all. I feel like I am eating, breathing and sleeping VBS right now. Oddly enough, it is Jana Alyara music going through my head instead of VBS music. This is not a bad thing! We kick off on the 26th. We don't have a lot of kids, but it doesn't matter, VBS is still labor intensive. One of the men at church put together a crew of four high school guys to build my frames for "Hot Bible Adventures" and next week I'll be painting up a storm to get ready to transform the church a bit.

One thing I LOVE about Communidad Latinoamericana is the fact they are that Latin Americans and part of the chpel is already decorated because of it! :) I found some great patterns to cut out from another church's VBS and I think the church will look great! Now, if I could get two more volunteers, I'd be golden!

The other thing is the Nursery/Toddler Room project. That is also nearing completion. There i some work that needs to be done in the changing room areas, but the main room is just about finished. I just need to get rid of some stuff, get the orders in for "Wallables" and the new crawl through/up/around toy and it'll be set. Oh...and the new countertops.

Other than that...things are chugging along. I see Rob today, Toni tomorrow...in a few short days it will be 20 months since I last purged and in 6 days 19 since I cut. I think it's hard to feel good about it because both things are still on the radar. I know thinking about it or feeling like I want to "indulge" isn't the same as engaging in behavior, but it is really hard to give myself a break about all that. I keep thinking that this far out I "shouldn't" feel I need to do those things. I really need to take "should" out of my vocabulary!

Round Two...

It happened so quick I am not even sure I know what happened. One minute I am offering to go with my mom so she can apply at Target and Mervyn's and the next minute she is yelling at me to just stay home and stormed out of the house. Before she started the yelling I asked her for a definite yes or no answer. She wouldn't give me one. I guess I am supposed to read her mind.

This time I didn't hesitate. I called Rob, gave her a few minutes and then left the house myself. I am at Panera right now. I plan om going to the SJ Ginats game and then I have no idea. I can always go to the office and sleep there. It's safe and it'll be quiet. Not sure I can handle actually going home.

Road Block...

Hmmm...

So, Rob and I had another "discussion" yesterday. I know I frustrate him. I even pretty much know WHY I frustrate him and in the trying to NOT frustrate him...I make it worse.

Here's the thing. After our catch up time (which may or may not include talk of movies, music and sports) and the checking in with the questions if I have cut or purged (no and no), comes the question: "So, what's going on inside Deneice?" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I don't KNOW...I really and truly DO NOT know! I do think about the question. In fact, I started to try and figure it out starting at 11:15 yesterdaty morning. By the time I got to his office for my 1:00 PM...I still didn't know and that just stresses me out. The question gets asked and then I just sit there because I don't know. Then I lapse into silence which we both hate and I try to come up with SOMETHING because he told me he'd pull out reading (this was a few months ago) and do that if I'm not going to say anything. I got the point, but I think me fear of "if I don't say something soon, he's going to really do it," takes over and makes it worse.

As we talked more one thing became very, very, very clear...I think the fear of changing my thinking isn't because I'm afraid of it. That may be part of it. You know, it worked once but now look where I am type thing. But, as we talking, another thought hit me between the eyes. Stay with me because what I am going to say contradicts itself. Not only from a who I am a Christian front...but simply by my actions. I show up willingly 2x a week. I shell out $100 a week (my g'ma picks up the other $60) and I trust the man completely....BUT...I think I question if I am worth the help, if I am worth his time, if I am worth recovery, etc. Heck, getting rid of behaviors is actually the easy part. Today marks three weeks since I have been eating a pretty normal meal plan and I thought the nutrition would help. Not so much.

We talked about me really speaking up and telling him what works and what doesn't. Like him telling me that x,y,z is normal and that everyone feels that at one time or another. DUH!

I said something to him about knowing that I am not going to be able shut off the condemning of my thoughts and feelings right away. I didn't say that to piint out he always tells me that...I said it so he knows I am listening to him and am trying. It turned into something funny, but I teared up because I was so afraid he'd think I was trying to mock him.

Monday we are going back to some EMDR stuff. Not EMDR itself because I have not been able to create a safe place...at least I wasn't the last time we tried. But, we are both hoping (praying) that just the little impulses will help me clear "the fog" that goes on when we try to delve into my head/heart. He is also not going to push the question and see if that helps as well.