Getting up is such an effort it's not even funny. I don't get WHY I can't see the episodes coming until I am far enough into it that I can't avoid one. But, at least I recognize it enough now to know that I can't let the low get too low. I guess the one good thing about major depressive disorder is that the lows don't get as low as other forms of depression...at least from what I have seen they don't.

I am getting the banners printed out for the rooms and this is slow going as they are 12 pages each. Then I get to put them together! Tomorrow I'll have Steve show me how to take the old ones out for the new ones. This is for sure crunch week and then things will slow down a little. Cindy and I will meet today to talk about Children's Church and what we want to do there for the upcoming year. I WILL be ready for kick-off no matter how far down I end up. I have to. One of the best ways for me to combat aall of this is to keep busy and that's what the next couple weeks will provide.

Thank God I am a list maker! Being anal has its advantages at times! The Whel of Fortune Wheel Steve Ringer made for us is awesome! With Diane recovering from very successful cancer surgery and his business and the kids back in school I feel very blessed he still took the time to get this done for me when I needed it. He said it gave him and Chris some bonding time and Chris was excited about it as well. For everything going on...I do love this place!

I have to face Toni tomorrow and then Thursday is back with Rob. I really do thank God for them. No matter how badly I am falling, they will keep seeing me as long as I am at least trying to fight and I am trying. Rob and I really had a "good" session yesterday in that I did open up and say stuff that I haven't been able to before and that is so much progress for me believe it or not.

Anyway, it is back to salt mine for now! Print, print, print! :)

Getting up is such an effort it's not even funny. I don't get WHY I can't see the episodes coming until I am far enough into it that I can't avoid one. But, at least I recognize it enough now to know that I can't let the low get too low. I guess the one good thing about major depressive disorder is that the lows don't get as low as other forms of depression...at least from what I have seen they don't.

I am getting the banners printed out for the rooms and this is slow going as they are 12 pages each. Then I get to put them together! Tomorrow I'll have Steve show me how to take the old ones out for the new ones. This is for sure crunch week and then things will slow down a little. Cindy and I will meet today to talk about Children's Church and what we want to do there for the upcoming year. I WILL be ready for kick-off no matter how far down I end up. I have to. One of the best ways for me to combat aall of this is to keep busy and that's what the next couple weeks will provide.

Thank God I am a list maker! Being anal has its advantages at times! The Whel of Fortune Wheel Steve Ringer made for us is awesome! With Diane recovering from very successful cancer surgery and his business and the kids back in school I feel very blessed he still took the time to get this done for me when I needed it. He said it gave him and Chris some bonding time and Chris was excited about it as well. For everything going on...I do love this place!

I have to face Toni tomorrow and then Thursday is back with Rob. I really do thank God for them. No matter how badly I am falling, they will keep seeing me as long as I am at least trying to fight and I am trying. Rob and I really had a "good" session yesterday in that I did open up and say stuff that I haven't been able to before and that is so much progress for me believe it or not.

Anyway, it is baack to salt mine for now! Print, print, print! :)

What a session...

We talked about the SI and how I need to be more careful because the cuts are getting a little deeper and I can't afford to have to get stitches...literally as I have no insurance. Then he asked me if I was suicidal. Okay...I skirted around that one. I mean no I'm not, but I am in the midst of a major depressive episode and so my plan is always there. Okay, I should have told him that...but then he cracked a joke and well...it broke the mood.

He makes changng the way I think about myself should be so easy to change and it's not. I mean I KNOW I am a beloved child of God and He loves me lots...but at my core...that is NOT how I see myself. Thank God no one can see my stomach...I am getting quite adept to cutting words into it. I hate my body.

So, the church in Concord is interested in me. In fact, the youth got to see the resumes and I was chosen by THEM! I have their questions and one is if I would eat a dung beetle for a teen. There is a lot I would do...that would NOT be one of them! They asked that I put the interview on tape or DVD, but I emailed and asked if I could maake the drive up there...it's only like an hour away.

We'll see. I could commute for a few months and I would commute once a week to see Rob and Toni...maybe do a phone session with him and one in person. That is so putting the cart before the horse...but I need to think of all this.

This week is going to be crunch time...big time! I need to get so much done and so I have to focus...no matter how unfocused I feel right now. I have things that need to get done by next week. I so need to get an ink cartridge for my printer here today so I will have it for Tuesday. I need to get the new door poster done and the lesson plans for "David," and the new CM brochure, etc.

Please God...help me focus on YOU and on reaching these precious kids with YOUR love and YOUR grace.

What is it they say? When you are at the end of your rope...tie a knot and hang on? The rope is about ready to quickly slip through my fingers and I am not sure if I have time to tie a knot. I get my apartment cleaned up and that is the only loose end I care about. Others can deal with the rest.

I can't do this...I can't believe my own mother won't help me...I can't believe I have no place left to turn.

If this is recovery...you can take it because I can't. At least when I was deep into all the muck it forced me to concentrate so no one would know how things were really going.

Can you believe it? The ED helps me focus. Geez...even I know it sounds like a bunch of baloney...

I don't know how much more I can take. Got a bill for almost $2000.00 from RR as I never went to IL and there are some other financial things going on besides my inaability to keep it together. Although, I did eat three meals today and no purging...so that is positive. I also have someone to do music for me every other week in Children's Church.

But, is all that enough to keep me going?

I am really glad I can't afford the $50 for ambien...though my sleeping is effected.

AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well...SDI said no because I turned in the form so late...I had no idea Imonly had so many days so I am going to appeal. I am also going to call and see if I can just start it for this month (and re-file a claim) as I still am unable to work full time. God is good...but Deneice is scared.

Why is it when things like this happen the first thing that goes through my head is, "Do I have the meds to end it?" I don't consider that God has provided thus far, that He has not let me down...Noooooooooo...I try to figure out if my desire to just sleep is stronger than my desire to live for Him.

When I went thorugh the depressive episode at RLP I am not sure if they really believed I wanted to OD. What no one knows (until now) is that I WAS anticipating the extension that I didn't get. So, because I thought I'd have 15 extra days, I began to tongue my sleep meds. They NEVER noticed! Once I got turned down, I tossed them at the airport because it wouldn't have been enough and I really thought I was ready for all this.

Last night I really didn't feel "safe" at home (if you could see...well...let's just say the SI was pretty bad last night) and realized I had nowhere to go. Is that sad or what? So, I practiced my flipping deep breathing and prayed and turned on Court TV and fell asleep for about 3.5 hours. Got up and went to the gym at 5 AM this morning and did an OK workout.

I left my arms alone...but boy was it so very, very tempting...I did one cut in an out of the view of most people and that helped a little...besides the others. I dread showing Rob tomorrow, but I have got to be honest about it as well.

I am not sure how much more I can take!

How do I tell my mom that I feel like I am in complete relapse? Maybe I'm not...maybe I am just truly having a hard time...but since when does simply having a hard time mean I go to the gym and burn off 1200 calories and feel GOOD afterward?

I keep thinking about what my team told me. I showed I could fall flat on my face and pick myself up again. Ummm....yeah...that is because for 5.5 weeks out of my 8 week stay I was on a BEHAVIOR CONTRACT! They never let me see if I could do okay without the threat of discharge. I told Betsy that the contract would bring the perfectionist out in me. Maybe it's the stress of the job thing, not hearing from SDI yet, my mother (need I say more), etc.

I mean...I am making the choices I am making, but there is a ton of stuff behind all of it. Ugh...I am still sounding like I am trying to blame it on everyone but me and I don't mean to. It's like there is this lever inside me and it's been about 1/2 way between falling back and going forward and that it's harder and harder to push it forward. I got up at 3 AM Monday morning to see what had more carbs...peanut butter or cottage cheese. In the end I had an apple with PB for breakfast since I was heading to the gym and needed the extra calories and stuff for the work out. But do normal people DO that? I don't think so.

Well, I actually made it three days without cutting...until really early this morning. I so need to get a grip on that. The purging is bad enough...but the cutting is just...well...it's kinda sick that I can't wait until cooler weather so I have my arms availaable again. I shouldn't even be thinking that way! Someone remind me to tell Rob what is going through my head. Ugh...

I has emailed him on Friday letting him know of my freakiness that he was really going to terminate me no matter what he said and I got a short but VERY reassuring email back from him:

"Perhaps the reason I keep dear ole Frederick here is so you'll come back!! :)
Got your fax - I'm here and committed more than you realize!
See you Thurs and I hope you have some good days and follow your menu!!"

He looks at this for my best interest...but my best interest is to be with HIM and have that consistency. It just plays on my worst fears of being left and given up on by my treatment team and my fears of abandonment in general. Just knowing he is committed for the long haul puts my mind at ease.

But, I really DO need to get a grip on all this. Ih I hadn't have gained so much weight since I got home I'd be okay. I don't even know HOW I did...I thought I was being careful. But, I know if I just do what I need to...it will come off...but I want it to come off NOW because I have clothes I alreadt can't wear...it's so darn stupid.

God will not give me anything I can't handle. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle recovery...that "normalcy" is so "abnormal" that I can't handle it. But, I also know that God wants me healthy and wants to be able to use this someday. I have spent my entire adult life with ED and before that plain disordered eating...I think that is why I clong sometimes...I have no clue how to live without it...except in short spurts. But that is so not the life God wants for any of us.

I need to prep. for Children's Church and SS...

So, Rob sees the cuts on my legs and we talk about my daily purging as of late. Then he drops the bomb on me. He asks me if, despite the connection and trust, I should maybe see someone else at the center. That maybe there is just something that he can't provide...and at the very least he wanted to consult with another therapist.

I looked at him and said no...I wanted to stay with him and that consulting with the other therapist is fine. Then he promised me that he was with me for the long haul. He asked me what I was hearing him say...I told him, "You want to get rid of me." Prior to that he did say that he isn't trying to do that or abandon me...he wants what is best for me. I heard it, but didn't...ya know? So, after I said that he says, "So, I do know you well don't I?" So as it stands he is going to talk to another therapist about me and he's not going anywhere. It's going to take me a bit to convince myself that he really means what he says and that he's not going to pawn me off on someone else. I won't do it. I am SICK of playing musical therapists and come November, I will have been with him for a whole year...a feat I haven't been able to accomplish ever.

He also talked about if this slide continues that I may need to go back to LIFE. That's will not happen no matter what because the money is simply NOT going to be there in any way, shape or form. I just need to dig myself out. I cannot believe how much I have lapsed this past month. I think what some of it comes down to is that I should have gone back to Rio and done it all over again instead of just going to LIFE.

So, I need to start trusting my meal plan and working on all this. I refuse to believe that I will not fully recover and that my time at LIFE was wasted! I know it wasn't. I am just really scared.

So, here I am almost two weeks later and a lot has changed. I still need $5,000, but other than that I am settling into "contnetment." I haven't heard back from the church in Saratoga, but I have things that need doing here and I cannot put it off any longer. Not to mention I have a whole NEW program I need to develop for Sunday nights starting in three weeks.

Yesterday, almost for the first time, I really and truly processed something really important with Rob. I think for the last month or so I have been, on a subconcious level, punishing myself for not being able to go on the Mission Trip, for the time I missed with the youth group, etc. Saturday afternoon I actually expressed the words in a post on the YS Boards. Dawn wated no time in telling me to not even go down that road. So yesterday, instead of doing any EMDR prep work we processed through those feelings. As Rob said...it takes Radical Acceptance of the situation.

Waiting would have made it all worse. I would have done the kids no good and I would have been a mess on the mission trip. I would have had to probably do Rio all over had a waited another FOUR months before leaving. That is the true reality of the situation. At the rate I was going those four months could have placed a whole lot of stuff in danger. It's a loss and I think it's been grieved and time to move on.

The hard part about THAT is the fact that I have lapsed so badly as far as behaviors are concerned that it is going to take some real determination and work to get me back on track. I am so "carbophobic" that I cannot stand to eat them in their "grain" form without purging. I do Boost in the morning with fruit, maybe or maybe not eat lunch and then purge dinner. Scary thing is I am not losing weight. Not that losing weight is a goal (although I would like to lose what I have gained since coming home) right now...but it proves the whole metabolism thing. I think I need to do my menu TONIGHT and take it with me tomorrow when I see Toni.

God has so totally blessed me with my team here. The more Rob and I do some really good work (which pre-LIFE I know I wasn't always doing) and the more Toni and I chip away at my food fears I know that with them and and my faith that there will be full recovery. It is just going to take longer than I want. But hey...I can't name a time when God's timing for me has been WRONG. I may not always like it...but it's always big picture and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Learning to live without ED is scary. It's "comfortable" for me. It's familiar...but ultimately it is destructive to not only me...but to those around me. I know in the long run I will not regret this journey. God is going to (and has) use it in ways I can't dream about now. But right now...the going through it...stinks!

Geesh...well the mission trip is over, the kids are back and I hate even hearing about the trip yet I torture myself be asking those who were at church today. They decided to come back a day early (drove from PHX to San Jose in one day) and so a couple of the kids and 2 of the 3 adults were at church. I've spent most of the day in tears just thinking about it.

The SI is back with a vengence.

Had my interview last Tuesday. I hope to hear this week.

Trying to figure out if recovery is worth it.

I need $5,000.

I need sleep.

I'm sick of being needy.

YS turned me down for the NYWC.

On a positive note the 49ers won yesterday and Mooch got a victory for the Lions! Woo hoo! Go Mooch!

So, last night I am leaving my apartment for a well deserved yet shouldn't have spent the money Iced Venti Non-Fat White Chocolate Mocha. As I shut my door, a limo pulls into our driveway. The guy who was driving owns a couple from what I understand and was probably coming back from the gas station. He stops, puts the window down and starts playing 20 questions with me. I was entirely weirded out and couldn't wait until he realized I wasn't interested and drove away.

I won't go into all the issues on WHY it weirded me out...but it did. I have such huge body image issues and this does not help. I did not feel flattered, I did not feel good that some random guy wanted to talk to me...I'm not sure what I felt...but ick.

I keep repeating one of my body affirmations that my therapist at Remuda "made" me (literally...I couldn't leave until I did this and that made her late to her 2:00 Emotion Regulation Group)...Curves are what make me a woman! Blech! ;)

And, the youth group left for the mission trip today... I am so glad I got here after they left. About 1:00 AM it hit me why I couldn't sleep...I should be on that trip heading to Magic Mountain right now.

I have an hour left here then I get to start my weekend...starting with a trip to the grocery store, lunch and then the gym...followed by a stop at Big Lots...I need a 12" fry pan...I miss having a big pan like that and I used it all the time at LIFE.

I am trying do what Toni suggested and set a place and eat at the table...even though I am alone. Did it at breafast and actually made myself a "hot" b'fast. I scrambled an egg to go with the rest of my meal.

Such an exciting life! :)

I had a good appointment with Toni yesterday. We talked about my slips and what's been going on, etc.

We set five goals for the week and one of them is flushing the three diet pills I found in my desk. I found them a few weeks ago and just haven't bothered to get rid of them. It's like they are some sort of "safety net." It's like as long as a still have diet pills, my scale, a smattering of behaviors here and there if I decide recovery sucks...I am prepapred to go back. Sick and twisted I know...but that's where I am right now. Of course, I know "just in case" can serve the wrong purpose so I am watching that.

Yesterday I decided "screw" the money issue and went to a movie. I was way early, so I went to Starbucks and had a tazoberry and sat and read for an hour. It felt so good becuase it was so normal! I like "normal." Then I get so afraid that "normal" won't last.

Toni is setting a limit on my exercise as I thought she might. I am on the same contract I was on at Remuda. Three days a week...ugh! I may sneak in a 4th every so often and I can walk as well...but three days seems so "little." But, we all know I have it in me to overexercise and she says I am pushing it with what she is saying I can do. So, we'll see. Eventually I can probaably increase the days and decrease the intensity.

I took all my sleep meds last night and I overslept and am still so sleepy. I am going to have to take a nap when I go home. If I thought I could leave now, I would in heartbeat.

The high school kids leave here at 6 AM tomorrow morning. Part of me wants to see them off...but I know that would be way too emotional for me and why purposely put myself into a situation where I know I will hurt? I am not that big of a glutton for punishment!

Wow...10 days since I last blogged. I really need to get better at this.

Not much has haappened though. I have slipped a few times and finally joined a gym! I am also trying to cook "fun stuff" for myself. I did it for my housemates, but it seems a waste to do it for just me. There is flawed logic in that as it's all part of self-nurturing...so I did a simple bakes salmon with lemon and fresh dill that was killer and it was neat to do that for me...I just need to keep it up. I printed a good 20 recipes off the Food Network site to help with that.

I have an interview with the church in Saratoga next week and I am excited about that. It would be great and sounds tailor made for me. I haven't sent them my resume yet! But, I am local so I can see why they would go ahead and set it up.

Rob is gone this week so I am dog sitting my fave stuffed dog in the world. I hate to give Frederick back though...he's a great extra pillow. I wish I could say I sleep better with him...but ever since I went back to my place, I haven't slept well except for maybe two nights. If I hadn't gone to LIFE I would probably be freaking that Rob is gone...but I am really okay with it and am doing good without him. Basically, that means other than the slips...nothing major has come up!

I am still stressed about my financial situation and I am wating for my SDI papers from Remuda which will help a bit...but I don't know how long I can be where I am rent free. I hate it... the not knowing the not even being able to go buy something just because, etc. Not that I waste $$...but to have to be so careful just so I can go to a movie with a friend next week. Not to mention I have no jeans that fit! But it is even having the $$ for basics like TP, shampoo, etc.

From what I hear through the grapevine...some parents are not happy with me no longer in Youth Ministry here and have called what's going on now a disaster. At least I know I have had some positive impact here. I am proud of what I have done here so if I end up leaving...my only regret is that...that I have to leave. But, being in the same Presbytery...I will be able to see the kids a few times a year.

Rob is always after what is going on inside me (as any good therapist would be) and I hate that much of the time I don't know. Right now I just feel as if I am floating through each day. He also makes it sound as if I can decide not to believe the core beliefs about myself and they will just go away. He also hasn't said much about my other diagnosis they came up with so he either doesn't buy into them or...I dunno.

I miss Aaron. I know we broke the caardinal rule by becoming friends since he is staff...and from what I understand he is really watching it now. He has that kind of personality I clicked with. Neither of us ever lost sight that he was staff, but there was a freindship there. And, while some RLP staff may not beelieve it...that was IT. He's married, he's 8 1/2 years younger than me AND shorter. There was just a lot of commonalities...sports, So Cal, etc.

Hopefully I will hear about being a volunteer at the PHX National Youth Worker's Convnetion this week. That will be sooooo awesome!

I see Toni today so I may have a lot to write about tomorrow!

I need out of here. I hate that I hate coming to work. It's not fair to the kids or their parents. I mean...I like the younger kids...but youth is my passion, it is where God has gifted me...it is where I feel I thrive and God will have to really do a lot of changing of my heart for me to feel otherwise. I have been back to work three weeks and it keeps getting worse!

If it weren't for the YS Forum, I would probably lose my mind.

Speaking of which, I was at my grandparent's house for a bit after church and my grandmother starts watching "Hunger Point." I REALLY wish she'd realize that when an ED movie comes on...she needs to change the channel. That one was on while I was at LIFE and it was like a car wreck. I couldn't change the channel and I "had" to watch. Keeley took the remote from my hand and asked me if I wanted her to turn the TV off. Anyway, tomorrow "For the Love of Nancy" is on and I am glad I won't be home and that I don't have any blank VHS tapes. I gave them all up to Rob before I left for AZ. I also gave him all my diet books, ED books, carb counters, etc. Pretty much the only thing I miss is that movie and "Wasted," but I am better off without them.

Some of the Sr. Highers leave for the backpacking trip tomorrow and then they leave for Ft. Apache, AZ on August 1st. I am a prayer partner for one of my guys and need to get his letters written this week. John is a HUGE D'backs fan so if I can find him something I want to get it for him. I bought all western themed stationary to write my notes with. He gives me a huge hug every Sunday which is awesome. I think Drew, his Jr. High bro would as well, but he's too shy. That kid really sprouted up while I was gone.

If God wants me here then I pray He closes the doors to the PT position because I don't want to jump into that job because I miss YM...I want to do it because that is the place God wants me to be. I would NOT be the "point man" which would be good for me, great for my recovery and yet I would be doing what I do best. It's in His hands, though.

Okay, it is hot in my office...I came by to pick up my lap top so I will have it tomorrow in case the Assoc. Pastor answers my email! I am outta here 'til Tuesday!

Wow...hard to believe that I have been home from Remuda LIFE almost a month. Then again...it was hard to believe I ever believed that I was going to be able to do the program in 30 days! As Betsy (my therapist at LIFE) kept reminding me...it’s okay that I had to be extended given where I was when I got there. And, as I knock myself for being on meal support 28 days...she also reminded me that those coming from Rio and Vista spent 45+ on meal support.

It was very different this time and probably better in a lot of ways. I fell...flat on my face over and over and over and over and hey...I lived! Of course, I was tempted to remedy that situation...but that got me a weekend on eyesight! Basically, I was so not perfect and for whatever reason staff remembered me for three years ago...if I ever see them this side of heaven...I am sure they will remember me for absolutely completely different reasons this time around!

Being a direct admit stunk big time and while I am glad I didn’t have to go to Rio...it sure would have been easier to get to know people. I also learned just how much was hurt by Paula when I moved to Indiana and how I allowed it to effect making friendships this time around. However, I made really good friends with two women that I am in contact with often. Keeley and I had so much in common it was hysterical and Allison is from both here and So Cal so I will be seeing her on a regular basis. I preferred staff over residents because I knew that relationship was finite...and I couldn’t get hurt. Okay, this is going to people I was at Rio with three years ago and we are still in contact...but think having the Rio connection has helped that. Allison was also a direct admit so we had an immediate bond.

I did things I never thought I would do. I was on meal support at b’fast in the MHT office and STILL managed to throw parts of my breakfast away. I would check in my snack before group and then toss it. Luckily, I am a lousy liar and feel guilt very easily and so I quickly confessed all that stuff and wrote on my snack check sheet not to let me take it to group. I over exercised as long as I could get away with it (and being really open about it, too), I cut corners on my own meals from time to time (ie instead of TWO Tbl of dressing I would use one, a little less cheese, etc.) I purged, I restricted, I had a lot of Boost...things that three years ago I never would have done...heck...I got off meal support back then in like three days! I even left having had FOUR french fries and not exploding!

I wrote not so good things about myself and my body on my mirror which I showed an MHT in a weak moment. Hey...I was on my sleep meds...I told Aaron a lot of things that night...some that I still don’t remember. Poor guy...I think I completely freaked him out! But, he followed me back to the house and erased my mirror and put new stuff on it. Betsy actually made me keep it on there the last three weeks at was at LIFE.

Coming home I think I am learning what everyone else was telling me at LIFE...I DO have internal motivation to beat this. There was so much external motivation for me to do what I needed to (eat...not over exercise...going to groups and participating...not a problem) that I didn’t realize that I was becoming internally motivated. I guess my treatment team put it best when it was relayed to me that they saw I could fall flat on my face and restrict or refuse carbs and do supplement...but be able to pick back up before any other external motivators were put in place. Not that I don’t have my moments and seem to do this two weeks on...two weeks somewhat off my meal plan...but there has been very few days when I have simply wanted to give up and say forget it...I have had it...

I think the one area since coming home is the whole job thing. Steve told me this week he hopes my passion for youth will in time transfer to the younger kids. I think everyone is going to be cheated if we wait for that “someday.” I go to work every day and except for Sundays when I am in Biblemanicas (our Sunday School) with the kids...I hate it. Sundays until I take the kids upstairs...I hate it. I hate seeing my kids and not being with them, I hate that I am not going backpacking on Monday and back to AZ for the Mission Trip on August 1st. I hate that I am not at pool and praise, that I am not there on Sunday nights to play Gargoyles or Body Snatchers.

Yeah, naturally being bumped to part time has a bunch of other ramifications in my life...but God has totally provided for that right now (not sure about my apartment yet) and I even have health insurance for the rest of this month which is allowing me to get my scripts filled one more time and that means I can get my seroquel. I’d wean off of it now...but I really need to for anxiety.

Anyway, lo and behold a PT position has opened at a church in Saratoga. Oddly enough...they specifically WANT a female. I talked to Rob (my therapist) about it today and he thinks I should look into it. It’s within the Presbytery as well...so I may call tomorrow. It’s encouraging because Rob thinks I can make the switch and that it won’t be a bad thing. Today he told me he knows how passionate I am about youth and then shared with me things he remembers me sharing with him over the past few months. But, I am not rushing into this either...

I spent 60 days talking about how much my identity is wrapped up in youth ministry...maybe this is God’s way of telling me it’s time to find out...or that transferring to a PT position will give me a chance to still do what I love...but not allow myself to become some wrapped up in what I am...instead of who I am. In any event, I am going to take my time with this one and do a lot of praying.

I wish I knew what the heck is going on. Last night I actually took my "normal" sleep meds which took was longer to work than normal...but they did work and that's the important thing. So, I actually feel pretty well rested.

However, my anxiety level is going through the roof and that I can't explain. Maybe it's going to see Rob today, maybe it's seeing Dr. Oba...but I am really close to having a panic attack and I am trying to stay grounded at not let myself fall into it. It started on the drive over here. Of course I left my Seroquel at home....geesh...

I was looking at the YS job bank and Saratoga Pres is looking for a PT youth worker and they specifically want a female. Wouldn't that be awesome? I just know it is way too soon and that there is no way I could do that right now. Maybe, if they still need someone in a month or two...

Augh...I don't want to have to go home and get the meds...but...okay, I cannot depend on Seroquel forever...I used to get along great without it. Then again, I was numb...can't quite have a paanic attack if you are numb!

Maybe I'll be back later

Major, major anxiety today and I am not sure why. I know there are a million stressors and it is hard to be here and have nada to do with the youth, but I have to freaking get over it so I can do what I need to do for Children's Ministry. And, of course, I forgot to bring my seroquel with me.

It could be because I ate my meal plan this morning and I feel overly full. It is amazing how much you can lose ground just restricting a few meals. The overwhelming fullness, etc. But, I am doing what I supposed to do. I can hear Amber saying that if you get off track you can get back on by eating your next scheduled meal or snack.

I am really curious what God has in store for me next...it keeps rolling through my head what a male youth worker said to me once...I should just marry a YP and make my life easier. I wanted to slap him! Not that it wouldn't make things a little easier...but then there is trying to meet...what am I saying...that is the LAST thing I need right now. Or the best thing for mee right now...but I am so not going to go there.

Although, I am old fashioned enough that I would love the chance to only have to work PT (and have it not kill me like it is now $$$ wise) and be able to stay home and raise kids & partner with whomever in his ministry. Okay, then there is the fact I am 33 and because of the PCOS may not be able to have kids...but that's a whole other issue. Heck, this whole idea is a whole other issue because unless God drops someone in my lap...it's all fantasy.

I think I will pop over to my grandparent's place after work so I can get my camera and upload my photos and get more clothes. Maybe...I have plenty of stuff at home...but not "Remuda Clothes" the ones that I wore there...helps me feel a little comforted right now. The whole "self-soothe" thing. I may wait until tomorrow when I am actually in that area after seeing Rob.

Okay, I'd better scoot...at least get one thing done today.

Wow...I am not so good at keeping this up am I? Too busy hewlping out with a post on the YS board!

Hmmm...well I am back at my place...it's quiet and a little lonely...but I am reading...a lot. Fun books for the most part...but it's goof distraction. I also need to get the hours of the public pool a few blocks from my house. My inactivity is killing me. I also need to get the tires on my bike blown up for some evening rides. As soon as I get paid I am joining a clun though because nothing is better than the eliptical machine.

I have had three meals in a row that have been incomplete...but Tini isn't concerned yet. She is going to let Rob know as well so he can be sure to press me on it as she leaves for vacation on Thursday. He asks me all the time now anyway. I have my menu for dinner so I plan to get back on track. I am also going to see Rob again this week....even though I really can't afford to. Too much emotional pain, grieving of losses going on to NOT see him. I can't totally identify what I am feeling or how I felt yesterday after our session...but it hurts. How did I put it to him on the phone? "I really want to go home and cut because I'd rather feel the physical pain than whatever I am feeling right now because it isn't good." I also faxed him my challenges to the emotional myths I believe so we can tackle those as well. Not sure how much he buys into this whole DBT stuff. Hey...it's keeping safe and relatively on plan...so it must have some merit!

Then there is my job. Our Office Manager is retiring and though she is still a member of our church, I will miss seeing her each day. I am back at work a little too soon, but I found some pleasure in my job today. I just need to be able to keep it up. I came up with aneat idea and our Pastor was excited. He said he knows youth is my passion and he hopes that will transfer to Children's Ministry. Me too.

My Mentor and his family leave to move back to SoCal on Thursday. Well...Ron has been up and down the coast since April...but the rest of the family will be making the move on Thursday. We always stay in contact...but it's still a loss I wish hadn't happened quite yet...I haven't been home that long. Gives me a great excuse to get to SoCal in the fall at any rate...or at least before Christmas.

Anyway, that's about it. I am working on this recovery thing and as Toni pointed out...with the overwhelming stress of a diminished job, maybe losing my apartment, my financial situation, etc. I am dealing with it pretty well. This would have buried me three months ago.