So, yesterday was a walk down memory lane and as good of memory as I claim to have...there are things I found that I have NO recollection of whatsoever.

I was cleaning out the dresser in my room to make room for my stuff and anything that I could live without is now in the dumpster at my apartment complex. So, as I took out shawls that I had as a little kid (when is mom going to get it...I am NOT going to have kids...at this rate I am never getting married...I digress), my costume from the anniversary shows at "Aloha Roller Palace," the dress my grandpa brought e from Hawaii when I was maybe 3, a photo album full of awards, etc. I came across a thank you note.

My Senior year in high school I did a lot of "behind the scenes" work in our productions besides being on stage. This generally meant I student directed, worked on the programs with my boyfriend at the time and did whatever else John Healy wanted.

Being the budding journalist I was at the time...I HATED our school superintendant...through the years I am not the only one. Ramon Cortines is an idiot! Anyway, I guess we invited him to come and see "The Music Man," my final production at Lincoln High School. That was fun because I got to help cast the little kid parts and it was just a fun production in general. Anyway, I find this thank you letter to me from Cortines. John must have had me write a thank you letter to him for coming.

One of my former youth also tracked me down. I was so excited to get an email from her. She is one of the first kids I ever worked with. I started out working with her as part of the drama team and we became really close. Then she left the CC, eloped a few years later with some guy and we have lost track on and off. But, she found me and I am so excited to be back in contact with her.

I moved my books and my final two bookshelves yesterday, along with the food I won't need between now and when I move and took over some laundry. I feel like this is taking me forever...but it's really going rather well I think.

Tomorrow is going to be a hard session with Rob. After everything from Thursday and how I handled my end of things afterward...I NEED to stay present and I can't fade away...we'll never get anywhere if I keep that up...I am not sure how much of it is on purpose though. It just kind of happens. I need to fight against Godzilla and send "Bambo" out there!

I guess I should think of something POSITIVE in all this. Only thing I can really think of is that the diet pills have not yet been opened...they are still in the bag, in their box in my kitchen. Part of me thinks that since they don't have ephedra in them they are okay. Obviously I am not convinced as I have not taken them yet.

I need to quit comparing my experience to others. But, I have felt for the last 21 years and continue to feel that I have no "right" to feel the way I do because I got away before anything else could happen. The scary part is that if I hadn't gotten away...all the adults were drunk enough that no one would have come looking for me and he could have gotten away with it for years...if "that" would have happened...I probably never would have told anyone ever. God was so with me...even though I didn't know Him yet...because I was able to get away and in the end...this drove me to Him.

I am trying to stay out of my apartment right now. I threw more stuff out and packed pantry stuff to take over to my mom's house tomorrow and brought my mini-fridge here to the office. I can keep fruit and bottled water in it. Stupid thoughts keep going through my head and so this the safest place to be.

It's Friday...again!

Last night I packed my dishes, more of my books and have them ready to along along with my other two bookshelves to take to my mom's tomorrow morning. Today I may go over to do some cleaning...but I will probably wait until tomorrow and just take over a ton of stuff...not that I have a TON...but the more that is there the less that is in my apartment making that easier to clean.

I feel so bad about my session yesterday...but it is like this war in my head when it comes to saying what I need to and what I want to. Part of me is like, "Tell him and you'll fall apart and have to leave the office and you won't be able to handle what you're feeling...you need to stay in control." The other part is, "Tell him...you can't work this through if you sit there looking like you want to cry and disassociate instead!"

Then he calls me "friend" which I hate because we aren't friends. We can't be because he is my therapist. I wish we were...in another context we probably would be...but we aren't and can't be and he knows that and I know he is just trying to show he cares...but someday he will no longer be a part of my life and I am looking toward that day with very mixed emotions.

Maybe I am not fit for ministry anymore. I look at what I have done to my legs in the last few days and wonder if I will ever be ready again. Rob is supportive and stuff...but maybe I should look at something else...but I can't "DO" anything else...even when I was doing other things I wasn't not doing YM. It's in my blood, my heart and my soul and part of stepping back into that door is having to deal with the muck and the mire of the past 33 years and counting.

I want to chicken out...I want to take the "easy" way out (for me) and I am almost there...it scares me..the ideas floating through my head...the things I don't dare tell Toni or Rob...I am just feeling so scared, and lost and useless right now...not to mention the feelings of being damaged and confused about the whole abuse stuff which just magnifies the rest.

I hang on the the promise God is not going to give me more than I can handle...it seems like it right now...and I am may not be coping in a great way...but I have survived everything so far...right?

I am such a complete loser. I spent the last 20 minutes of my session not being able to utter a single word. Then I went home and "punished" myself and then called Rob to apologize and let him know I was properly "disciplined."

It's so hard to get the words out...so hard to let myself cry...even though I know I need to do it.

Please God, give me the strength to listen to YOU and not my own arguing in my head. Thank you for giving me as therapist who does understand and does care...and won't leave.

27 days until my b-day...wanna hint?

http://www.fao.com/global/store/product_detail.cfm?TID=00460304143937560301101962&Site=Toys&rs_section=keywordsearch&GroupID=158364&GroupTP=Model&ItemDetail=Patrick%20the%20Pup%2C%20Small

Augh...I blogged and then it went "poof."

Let's see...I wrote about how I am having trouble coming up with the last workshop for October and how it may be a Teaching Tent with one of the high school guys as David.

Then I started to write about the SI stuff. I am still keeping it to my legs (except for one small, rebellious cut on my hand) and last night tried to figure out the why because I HATE not having an answer for Rob. From what I gather...it's a punishment/form of "discipline" for me. Last night, for example, I made dinner and "got rid of it." Later, I popped some popcorn and to punish myself for it...I cut. I should have not had anything to eat since I chose to get rid of my dinner.

Or, as I look in the mirror and see the weight I have gained since I got home (not sure why and it's weight I don't need to gain) I cut because I hate my body and am so mad at myself for screwing up and not being sure how.

I think one thing, almost 11 months later, Rob is really and truly getting is that I may throw words around like "I am stupid/idiotic" and that it;s NOT the way we all say it...that it is a core belief from being told that growing up and have it be such a deep part of me that it's hard to rewire that part of my brain.

But, I am not giving up and I know that there will one day be an end to all of this...that I will believe what others see in me and that my life will not be ruled by what I eat, don't eat or what I purge. It's just going to take longer than my mon thinks and so while she thinks they wasted money sending me back to LIFE...it has made a difference and things will not always be like they are now.

The server is still down which is a royal pain...but maybe I will go and work at my mom's house after staff meeting to do what I need to do on the Internet.

I had a lot of nightmares last night...more just weird dreams and abuse flashbacks. I tell ya...when a 12 year old is not ready for a 40+ year old man to shove his tongue down your throat (ewwww.....) among other things...it's enough to still gross you out 21 years later. I feel like such damaged goods. I can hold hands, I can hug and cuddle...but then it starts getting scary...not that any of it has been an issue in a few years because it's not like I have been on date in ages...but still.

It makes me very thankful to have a therapist like Rob where I know I am safe in his embrace...same with my chiropractor in southern CA. But, at the end of our sessions, Rob's hugs make me feel very safe and I think continue to reassure me that he is not going anywhere. I think it is becoming less of an issue with me. We are close to hitting a milestone and I think once I hit a year with him in November many of the "he's gonna leave/he's gonna terminate me" fears will be permanently quelled. Three more weeks until the 11 month mark and just the next week I believe will put him as the longest I have had the same therapist. Sounds weird...but I am excited about it!

Kim and I went to see "The Fighting Temptations" last night. It was a really good movie. I'd see it again and I want the soundtrack. I may get it today since it is payday!

Packing is going pretty well. I am taking my stuffed animals to my mom's house today and two of my golding bookshelves and then Saturday I will take over another load of stuff and just try to get to the bare minimum of what I need at my place. I just want to get it over and done with!

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
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Today was a "break" from the abuse stuff...I was kind of glad. After Thursday, it wasn't something I was quite ready to re-visit. Rob wants me to talk more about my feelings about the whole thing. I thought I had been. I guess I need to point out to him that I have shared more feelings wise with him than with anyone...EVER.

Rob also had me take this test thing...I think I answered them the right way...the questions were wordrd funny. I only disassociate in session anyway. This oughta make for interesting conversation on Thursday.

He asked me what I think "losing control" would look like. I think it would turn me into an emotional pile of goo that in incoherent and I am also afraid of the "aftermath" when I leave the safe place of his office and "my" Frederick. Afraid of what the feelings will "do" to me because I don't know how to handle strong emotion in a healthy way.

I trust him so much that the feelings will come and becoming a pile of goo will as well...I just do not wnat to be pushed into it...not that Rob is doing that.

Anyway, I am going to clear a bookcase so I can take some stuff into the offive tomorrow and to my mom's. I want to get the guest room cleared out by the weekend.

Moving...how fun is that? Ick!

Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?


What Monty Python Character are you?
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Here we are withg the death of yet another wonderful actor...Donald O' Connor. Sigh.... One of my favorite musical bits of all time is his "Make 'em Laugh" from "Singing in the Rain." I am so glad I have the DVD.

I cannot figure out why my weight has ballooned and I am getting ready to take matters into my own hands...but so far I haven't done anything else (i.e. dp) to do that...but I hate it and while the ED had nada to do with weight at the heart if it...I hate my metabolism and I KNOW in my HEAD that some of this is the PCOS (not my fault) and some is my food issues since time began (mostly my fault...except for as a kid and I had no cintrol over whagt my mom deemed "food" and didn't see the necessity of eating 3 meals a day). But, I still hate it!

There was no message on my VM when I got to the office so I guess she was cool with what I did to my room and stuff. Maybe it will prompt her to get all the other stuff out of there!

I am at my/my mom's house doing laundry and moving some stuff over. I cleared out all my fall/winter clothes and thought I could do more...BUT...my mom has done diddly about the room and there is no room for my stuff. I have some things figured out though...and I do have a bit more room than I thought. I also pushed my bed against the one wall (so glad I have strong legs) which is the way I like it. The room has potential and who knows...maybe having a "new" room in the old house is a good thing. We'll see.

I got my cat out of bed! I usually come here and he hears me and comes trotting out and he didn't. So, I go looking for him and he is sacked out on my mom's bed. I go over to him he looks at me and meows. Silly boy. No he is happy as a clam outside while I do laundry. I think I can do this in three weeks if I really try. Heck...if mom can get Jose to move my "big stuff" soon I can sleep on my aerobed...I am cool with that!

I am trying to keep a positive attitude about this...and may buy stock in Fabreeze so my clothes won't smell like smoke all the time. Blech!

Pirates of the Caribbean!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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Argh...I had posted and I don' know what happened...but it's gone!

So, I will try and begin again.

Yesterdays session was incredibly hard, incredibly draining so I guess it went well! After talking about me having to move we literally picked up right where I left off on Monday...the "blow by blow" account of exactly what happened and all that "fun" stuff. I have never had trouble talking about it before...but I think it was hard this time because I am NOT numb and so it makes it more difficult.

I am going through the story and could see it like a movie projected on the window. I am still amazed how much detail I can recall. The weather, the conversation, what had happened prior to going outside, what I was wearing, etc. Sometimes I wish my memory was a little fuzzy.

He ALMOST had me in tears...I mean I was almost ready to cry about the whole thing, but I shut down instead. We talked about that and how I do that to keep in control...Rob pointed out that in doing that...it doesn't bring healing and if I end up a crying puddle (my words...not his) that is probably a GOOD thing. I was so close...he said something that caused this gut reaction in me that I don't even remember now...and maybe the tears will come...maybe I will allow them to come.

When I finally got home, I slept for like 2 1/2 hours...I was emotionally exhausted after that session.

This weekend I will beging to take some stuff to my mom's house and try to stack stuff neatly because she hasn't done much about getting her stuff out of there. But, if I can make a dent I will be happy.

I am losing my home. I knew it couldn't last forever...me staying where I am until I could find another job...but I was hoping for more time.

It's a mess...I'm a mess...it's all falling apart around me and I just want to quit everything.

So, I emailed most of my last entry to Rob...he promised he would read it and that also meant we would have to TALK to about it on Monday. See...in the past, I would email him and we would NEVER talk about the content of the email. Hey...if he wasn't going to ask...neither was I! Okay, childish...but after 10 months (come Monday) it's still a "new" thing. I think I am getting nervous because he almost has the record and it's weird sticking with the same therapist this long. A GOOD thing...but weird nontheless.

He pretty much had a one sided "conversation" with me where I said I'd do all sorts of stuff. Cracks me up. As I told him when I relpied..."I can't believe they let you out to work with the public!" I wouldn't have it any other way.

Believe me...in my head I am thinking, "He has the email...he knows what's going on in my head...we don't NEED to talk about it." Monday is going to be so sports focused I am going to drive him nuts. Actually, he won't let me go on and on anymore...so I can only use that distraction for so long. I better take a Seroquel before our session or at least have it with me.

I got all my stuff for tomorrow's SS so all I have to do is room set up and run a new schedule. So, I think I'll get here about 7:30 AM. That should give me plenty of time. Tonight I'll work on Kidz Club stuff while I am watching TV that may or may not include Miss America. Why trigger myself? Actually, that usually isn't a problem and Clay Aiken is performing. They added a new "casual" category and I want to see if the clothes they have on is what they REALLY wear when they are being casual!

I NEED SS teachers! Augh! There are times I wish we did "traditional" SS so i would have a team that was committed for a whole year. However, the trade-off to get creative with workshop rotation is usually worth the headaches it causes! I have two teachers lined up for sure and I can combine the grades and buy myself another week if I do that. It's my fault...I allow these stupid depressive episodes to bog me down for a week and I need that week. Just more of my stupidity...God continues to provide through the stupidity which simply amazes me.

So, yesterday was FUN...NOT! I am not sure what exactly prompted this whole really digging in with Rob except maybe the fear he really would terminate me. But, our sessions are different now (and well they should be) and while it is so not fun...I thank God for that man. As much as I want to find a FT ministry position...I need to stay put and work with him until the end. He allows me to be silent when I need to, I am getting better at telling him what is NOT helpful (I love to joke as much as the next person with him...but there are times it just doesn't help) and I am trying not to edit every single thing.

The thing that scares me is that I absolutely, 100% need to work on the whole sexual abuse issue...but I am scared to death. Just talking about it takes me back and I am 12 all over again and the body memories are there...which lately has caused the SI to escalate. But, I had a hard time talking to him about it yesterday. Not because he is a man...other than major intimacy fears...I don't have problems with guys that I know are safe...but more because I "should" be over it by now.

Heck...it was a one time thing and it wasn't "that bad." I mean, compared to what some of my friends have been through...I have NOTHING to be freaked, feel bad, etc. about. Everything was from the waist up and I got away before anything else could happen. I know people not that lucky...who endured way more than I did in those moments...yet I feel totally damaged, totally ugly (not beautiful...never beautiful as that is what HE called me over and over and over) inside and out and just want to rip my skin to shreds and become nothing like that 12 year old.

Just writing about it I can feel the disgust for myself, the anxiety of wanting to cut but being in a place where (thankfully) that is not an option I can even entertain. I can feel the fear I did that night like it just happened...the struggle to...well...I guess the details aren't important.

The stupidity that is me...that "should" have seen it coming that summer. It started that spring. Mom and I had gone to a different Mervyn's for whatever reason and she remembered that my Uncle Mike's best friend lived near there. So, we found the house and dropped by unannounced. I met Renee (his daughter who is a few years younger than me) and his wife (whose name I have totally blocked out) and Del. I can't tell you much about what he even looks like...taller than me (he still would be today)...mustache...that's about it.

So fromt hat time on...we spent time with his family. I went swimming over there, we went to the Elks Club and hung out (Renee and I)...at some point he must have begun playing father figure (better him than the idiot my mother was dating...after dumping the man she shouldn't have a few weeks before)...watching me dive, giving me some extra "dad" attention I have always craved...I don't remember all that much...just little things...playing Atari with us "that night," curling up with him on the couch...that must have been the moment he thought what would come next was okay.

How many times have I talked about this in therapy...every therapist I have seen since I was 15 years old. The therapist my mother took me to after this all came out three years after the fact I didn't like and my mom took my word for it that I dealt with it in one session. Marc and I began to talk about it and really talk about it...but then it became all about my mom. When it came time to press charges...my mom left the choice up to me. I was FIFTEEN and the thought of having to go into a court room and be in the same room with him...*shudder.*

Maybe in my mom's place I would have done the same thing...but I like to think I would protect my daughter and like it or not...press charges no matter how hysterical she got. The DA went ahead anyway ( we found out 8 years later...after my first Psych. hospitalization) and he did three days jail time and spent years on probation. His marriage also broke up which means his wife must have believed what happened. In any case...he plead to a lesser charge (since my mom didn't press charges) and that's why he did so little time.

So, I feel stupid for not seeing it coming (nevermind the fact I was 12), I feel stupid for allowing it to be such a big deal because in the scheme of things I got off easy, and I feel stupid because it does haunt me when I think about it. I don't even have to close my eyes to see it all over...I can see it clear as day (ummm...night as it was like 2 AM) just sitting here at the computer. Why I was even alone with him, the little things that I should have noticed, our conversation at the van as we were putting the games and stuff Renee brought over in the van...looking at the stars because it was a beautiful night...walking back into the garage....me pretending to still be asleep the next morning when they came to tell my Uncle and cousin goodbye or to pick up something they left...I don't remember...I just remember trying to be still when my mom came to my room so I wouldn't have to go out there and play "nice."

I wanted to die so bad after that. Heck...I took my mom's boyfriend's razor blades and tried...but at 12 had no clue how to make the cuts the right way and the ones I made weren't very deep...nothing was ever permanent and I got caught anyway. Jim, my mom's boyfriend, then proceeded to show me the proper way to get a blade out the thingie.

Through all the pain, through all this muck I can still see all God has provided in front of me. It was this whole thing that drove me into His arms in the first place. I am not sure it would have happened otherwise. Romans 8:28 is so true in my life...He took that "earth shattering" moment in time and used it to bring me to Him and gave me a passion to serve Him and in an awesome calling to serve His kids.

So, I am creating a new Kidz Club out of the air...we have never done this before and Steve said it could be "youth group for kids." I will have them for maybe a 1/2 hour and some of them an hour and fifteen minutes! Augh!

Tonight I am giving them a puzzle to solve for the beginning and a memory verse and I got a Kids Worship CD for music. The focus will be on the importance of God's Word so I may be playing some of this by ear! :)

This is a 12 hour day for me. I am going way over my 20 this week...if it weren't the last week of the pay period I would simply not come in part of next week...but that won't work. At least I will have a pretty decent paycheck at the end of this month! Berean is hiring and so I am going to apply and see what happens.

Everything else is not going so well...but that's a whole other story I really don't want to get into.

September 11th is a huge topic today...understandably so. It is still hard to believe at times. Although there have been days I wished my grandfather's plane could have made it off the ground in Chicago so he could have gotten home...they probably would have had to touch down the plane someplace else since they had planes landing all over. The LEAST United could have done was told him that if he let them know he had been stuck on 9/11 he could get home faster. What a feeling of complete helplessness with him only 2 1/2 hours away and NOTHING I could do for him.

Last night I started trying to figure out if I have enough meds to do the job. I have no idea...possibly once I get my Ambien refilled. But, by that time, this episode will more than likely be fading and it won't matter anyway because I don't stockpile the stuff...if I need it I take it. I just feel like everything is crashing down around me and I just want out for good.

Toni, my dietitian, did the sweetest thing. She gave me two movie tickets for no reason...just because she knows I love movies! I thought that was so awesome...I still can't believe she would do that out of the blue for me.

The "Alice in Wonderland" attraction at Disneyland starts out with Alice talking about chasing the White Rabbit and falling "down, down, down" into Wonderland. Well, I can relate to the falling...at this point I would take Wonderland over wherever I am this time around. It seems like a bootmless pit at times this week.

I come home from work and sleep until like 6 and then can't get to sleep until about 1 or 2 AM and then the whole cycle starts over again. I KNOW I have the ability to break this cycle...but right now it seems like way too much effort. But, then I want to make mincemeat outta my leg for some "relief" from the depression and last night I really had to fight myself to stay away from my arms and cut deep. I am so NOT suicidal, but this is what a depressive episode does. Admittedly, I HAVE become suicial in the midst of an episode, but I am really trying to do things to keep the low from reaching that point.

Right now I am putting the door sign together and my meeting with Cindy went well yesterday...so I feel set for this week and ifI can get much of my stuff done today and tomorrow and Friday I won't have to come in Saturday. I am not holding my breath though! There is still a lot to do!