La Vie Boheme!

"RENT" obsessed post II

This is how bad it is people...I actually LISTENED to the commentary! Actually, in this case it makes sense as I want to hear about changes made from stage to screen and why, etc. I also didn't know they filmed in San Francisco. Wish I would have known! Rats!

Chris Columbus was really happy to get a PG-13 rating, though he says he now has some reservations as kids who really have no clue what the lyrics of "La Vie Boheme" even mean are singing the song.

So, all you "Rentheads" out there...if you were a from "Rent," who would you be? Or, after seeing the movie who do you think you would be? After watching the movie over and over and listening to the soundtrack constantly since I bought it back in November or December...I think I am Mark. Obviously not in every aspect...but he seems to fit better than anyone else. I mean things down to the whole Maureen/Joanne thing...but I was in high school and he didn't break up with me for another guy...he just realized that...well...we still stayed friends through high school.

Back to "La Vie Boheme." It is amazing how often that song goes through my head. Out of the blue..."Going insane, going against the grain, going mad." In some ways that makes sense...sounds like a definition of ministry at times! I just think lyrically, Larson really showed his brilliance in this song. As they go through some definitions of dance, film and anarchy so much if it I can relate to without being fully involved in any of that stuff because it is the "stuff" that bonds them together in community.

I try not to overthink the film all that much. I struggle a lot with the "no day but today" way of living life. Part of the song "Rent" says:

MARK
"The music ignites the night with passionate fire"

ROGER
"The narration crackles and pops with incendiary wit"

MARK
Zoom in as they burn the past to the ground

ROGER & MARK
And feel the heat of the future's glow
How do you leave the past behind
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out
"Til you're torn apart Rent!

Lines like that just jump out at me. I need to get Anthony Rapp's book about his journey. He said something in an interview (the web site? MTV? "The View?") about playing Mark and the parallels to being closed off from emotion the way Mark is on stage and screen. There is another line from a song that says, "I don't own emotion...I rent." Very often guilty as charged.

Speaking of which, I need to get ready to see Rob!

No Day But Today

If I lived in NY when I was in high school, I so would have been a "Renthead." There are times I DO feel guilty for liking this show...not so much the themes (maybe a little)...but the language. However, it is organic to the story and to their lives, so it makes sense.

As soon as I got off work yesterday it was straight to "Circuit City" to buy the DVD. The feature length story of Jonathan Larson and the show and now movie had me in tears. I remember the 1996 Tony Awards when "Rent" was so honored. The only song I really knew at the time was "Seasons of Love" and they sang "La Vie Boheme" on the awards show and I thought it was the strangest thing. Now, ten years later, I really, really get it. I probably would have got it back then...but I never had the chance to see it (with "Doogie Howser") in L.A. and anyway...none of that matters anymore. I have the movie and when it comes to town again...I am so there!

I goofed...

Here is the correct link for my Johari Window: http://kevan.org/johari?view=

I just corrected it again... if you still have trouble...

http://kevan.org/johari?view='neice's+window

If you cut and paste and then click on "contribute to 'neice's window you should get it. I am not sure what the problem is!

Anniversary Dates...

I think I figure if I actually put them out there, I'll begin to believe that it has been that long.

I just passed the 17 month mark of no purging. I almost blew it the other day. I don't binge and I was just eating lunch...but it was strange because I was for sure in that zone. I bought lunch from the deli at the grocery store and my first clue should have been what I bought. My second clue should have been the fact I didn't put my lunch on a plate...paper or otherwise. I generally eat on a "real" plate, even though my mom doesn't. I was part way through when it dawned on me what I was doing.

Tuesday will mark 16 months of no self harm. That battle is almost harder won when the urge strikes. It's easier to hide, it's over faster and I don't have to eat first! None are good reasons and neither is wanting instant relief from the "pressure cooker" feeling...but there are days that a harder than others. Of course there are days when it never enters my mind at all, but on the days when it does...it is hard to fight it at times. Take that back. It is hard to WANT to fight it at times. It appears to be the path of least resistance and on those days I find something else to do.

If I look at the big picture...I think it is getting easier. What I can't figure out is if it easier because I am white knuckling it or if it is a bit easier because the "need" isn't there anymore. Much of the time it feels as if it is the former. That's NOT a good thing.

Stupid Blogger!

There was a problem and I lost some posts. One was an update about my grandfather and I really don't want tp redo it. But I will...later.

Go here and help me out! A couple people saw it before the problems with Blogger...but I'd love to see what you have to say!

Grandfather's Surgery Tomorrow & "Stuff"

First off...have I mentioned how thrilled I am we finally have a Panera sort of near me? It is actually closer to the church, but I am thrilled to death we have one. There will be another one...less than a mile from the church in a few short weeks. This is one of the few things that I miss about the Midwest. Sort of weird it is actually FOOD related...but it was the only place I could buy sourdough bread. Can you believe it? I went to all the grocery stores in the area when I moved to Indiana that year and NONE of them carried my beloved sourdough. It took me a few months to realze that...duh...I could buy it from Panera. Okay, it's not like was I doing GOOD things with the bread either...but I generally kept down their soups and salads. It was a "safe" place for me to eat. That is probably why I missed it.

So, here I am...happily on free wi-fi and enjoying the calm before the storm. Toni will be thrilled to hear I ate a bagel when I see her in about an hour and a half. A little too early for their soup.

My grandfather has his surgery tomorrow. I have been pretty calm about it (I think), but when we were at "The Lion King," it sunk in a little more. He really liked it, but he was also a little distracted. He did his pre-op stuff yesterday and they told him we have to be back at the hospital by 5:30 AM. Not sure what time his surgery is scheduled though. I'll take a quick break to go see Rob and then back to the hospital. There is a chance they can do this OP...I am not holding my breath!

I almost wish I could bail on the ski trip...but I need to watch Lily and it will be fun to be with the high school group again. It is awesome how God works. I have no idea what is in store for me with YM in the long term. But for right now, in this moment...I LOVE being a volunteer again and am grateful for the chance to keep myself in the fray a bit.

I AM a Theatre Snob II

I think it started when I was in 5th grade. Once you reached 5th grade, you could go to the San Francisco Opera for their Kids Day. Part of the deal was getting dressed up. I got to go both in 5th and 6th grade and a theatre snob was born!

Part of me knows I am being way too picky about all of this...but it is the theatre...not some program in a school cafeteria! No torn jeans should be rule #1!!! I also realize "The Lion King" is a FAMILY show, but if your child's bedtime is before 8 PM or is shortly AFTER 8 PM...do not bring them to a performance with an 8:00 PM curtain! By the end of the first act they are really tired and when theyb start crying they are tired and want to go home, take them OUT of the theatre and into the lounge! Do we need to point out that all of us in our section shelled out $128 a ticket...not just YOUR family?

Sigh...

The Circle of Life...

I'll post more tomorrow when I get back from the VBS Showcase...but I will say that I enjoyed "The Lion KIng" tonight. I will also say I am SUCH a theatre snob!

I PROMISE...I Am NOT Making This Stuff Up!

If someone came to me (even someone I trusted) and told me what I have been sharing about my my grandmother and grandfather, I would begin to wonder if it was the truth. In the past several weeks how can ALL of this medical stuff be going on??? Well, they do say truth is stranger than fiction and this is the truth.

Updates:

1. My grandfather goes to get his arteries cleaned out and stents put in next Thursday.

2. He has put off his other appt. (he is having trouble sawllowing) until after the surgery.

3. My grandmother was supposed to have an EMG done on Monday. BUT...

4. Thursday she broke her wrist opening a bottle of juice and now has a soft cast up to her elbow.

I get they are getting "up there" in years. Well...my grandmother is 80 something...but my grandfather is only like 71.

Ugh. I also need to share some stuff about "abandonment" I need help with...but that will have to be later.

The New Food Plan

I saw Toni yesterday and she has had me keep a food journal. I hate it. I look at it and it seems like so much. She told me that no...it wasn't close. I can usually rattle off what I eat, but she wanted to see where it was lacking (not calorie wise because we know that...but actual food groups. Being the weirdo I am...it is fruit.

Fruit???!!!??? I know. I like fruit. I really do. Berries, mango, apples, pineapple, kiwi...I live in CA...we have great fruit! But, ask me to choose between a cucumber and an apple...I'll often go for the veggies.

So, in the next couple weeks I need to add a fruit, start taking a multi-vitamin and eat a meal between 11 AM and 2 PM. I am wating to hear back if that is a full meal or an "eating episode."

The one thing this has done has made me way calorie conscious. I used to know the content of anything I let pass through my lips...but have given that up for the ost part. Some things I still know...must I don't. So, I became a huge label reader last night. This is the "sick" part. I had a grilled tuna sandwich on wheat and a salad. Guess how many calories??? THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE!!! The healthy part of me says that 325 is actually on the low side for dinner especially when the only other thing I had was a non-fat white mocha all day. The ED part of me says I can no longer use mayo if I make tuna. I need to use mustard or honey mustard. No cheese (I only used it because I grilled the bread), no more grilling and no more "regular" dressing. How many calories can I cut?

Very eye opening and very helpful to see that. Now comes the choice. Do I make the sandwich I want or the one I "should" have?

"Stuff"

It's been a long week. Not a bad week...but a long week. Things are so hard in therapy. Rob is getting fed up and I don't blame him and I am trying...but I keep runnnig into these mental blocks I can't seem to get over. We are continuing to dialogue and I am trying hard to talk about the difficult things. I want to blame the whole thing on the fact I am not on meds and need them. But, I'm not so sure. I think I have been in this hole for so long now I am not sure what I was like with the meds.

We are getting ready to go forward with background checks for our volunteers at church. I know we need to do it and I am 100% behind it, but it is still going to be hard to tell these people I need to run a check on them.

For some reason I can't my head around two conflicting emotions existing in me at the same time. It makes no sense. I mean I look at what awesome things going on and the absolute joy it is to be working with our Jr. Highers and yet most days I am so disappointed I woke up..that I breathe...that I exist. The two just don't seem possible and yet it is. I admit it. They are both there but it doesn't make sense how or why. I think I shut down because I feel so dumb when I try to talk about this. I think I feel dumb because I only have Rob to talk about it with!

Yesterday he wondered if some of the problems I am having still don;t stem from fear that if I open up then either he'll leave his practice or I'll end up leaving because that has happened in the past. I told him that with the exception of every May when we tend to have this conversation...I don't think about it much. I need to think about it because he may be on to something. I was surprised last night as I was thinking about Marc how much it still hurts almost 6 years later. Greg? Not so much...but I do miss him at times.

Sigh...

Usually Not Triggered

When it comes to ED behaviors, it has always been my emotions or a stressful/emotional event that would trigger me...even good things. For example, youth group could go great and I'd think I "deserved" to engage in behaviors (like THAT makes sense) or it could go (IMHO) badly and I would "have" to engage in behaviors as punishment. Generally speaking, books, magazines, movies, etc. really have never triggered me. Last night was an exception.

After watching AI from the "City by the Bay," I was wathcing something else and during a break, went to see what the dogs were up to. My mom was watching a movie on Lifetime and I recognized it right away...before the girl even cut. I went back to the living room to watch the other program, but I kept switiching back and forth. For the first time in a long time it was very "moth to the flame-like." It took me a little while to let the urges pass and know that I don't have to act on them at all. I mean, as of last week I am 16 months purge free and 15 months SI free. However, in the darkness of my bedroom, it almost seemed worth it to give in.

I am not going to get graphic or anything...but a line from the movie stuck out last night. Someone asks the girl if it hurts when she cuts. She answers, "When I want it to." That rang so true to me and I think that was the trigger point. Not that I don't feel. As Rob has pointed out, it's that I don't allow myself to fully engage in the emotion. I downplay it, I do what I can to avoid it, etc. But, much of time time, I couldn't feel the cut until later.

Today is a new day and I have bigger things to ponder. I think Rob has had it with me and is going to suggest a break. I just need to get what is going on in my head out of my mouth.

Hmmm...Double Standard???

Okay, I know this is not the place for this...but I vented in the only other place I can vent and am still bugged. I saw this on a discussion of someone who may or may not have been part of the YS Boards. It cam from an Admin. of the board:

"No, it's not taboo. I'm just saying.........knowing that a couple of people have signed on here under new IDs from what they had at YS, perhaps some people are looking for a clean slate. I don't know if free_flying was a YS Forumite, nor do I care. What I do care about is that free_flying has found this community, and has elected to be a part of it, and for that, I am thankful, just as I am thankful for everyone else here."

Yet, when I signed up...this person PM'd me to tell me he wouldn't "out" me...for which I am grateful...but why does one person not have their IP looked at and ID'd as a former YS Forumite and others do not? That was why I almost didn't register and went through some pains to try NOT to be ID'd by the PTB at the other site. Someone else paid my $5 and sent it from a whole other state, I tried to use a program to hide my real IP, but I goofed when I registered (which was how I was found out) and after a few days I couldn't get on using the random IPs and since one person knew who I was I figured screw it...if the rest of team knows...so be it.

But it bugs me that all of a sudden there seems to be care about privacy when mine was so obviously violated. As I said, I am very thankful that the PTB have kept the promise not to out me...but seeing that post has me upset about it all over again!

%^$$^&*%#@!!!!!

There are times I wished I DID use bad language, because I would let a few words fly out of my mouth.

This is really nothing major, but in a week of the medical stuff with my grandparents, actually getting the guts to tell Rob I feel dead inside and just day to day stuff...the straws are piling up.

Yesterday I am buying a newspaper and a bottle of water and my check card wouldn't go through. I am cutting it close to pay day next week, but I had enough in there to cover that purchase. The clerk thought it could be a problem at my bank. So, off I go to the mall so I could see a movie. My card doesn't work at my bank ATM. I go inside and find out that my card has been blocked. I was like the 20th person to have this problem. It sounds as if someone hacked into the system and either put holds on the cards so they could use them and we couldn't...or it was caught and so no one could use the cards they blocked them. Ugh! So, they put a rush on my card and I hope to have it by Friday.

This morning my "Service Engine Soon" light came on. I don't think it is major, but I really can't pay for it. Well, I guess I'll cancel Rob. I was doing okay financially and I am not overspending, but I think I am still playing catch up from Christmas and my small cushion is gone.

And to think...today is only Wednesday!

Update: My gas cap was loose. And people say God has no sense of humor! :)

At Loose Ends

Everything seems so hard right now. The very act of getting out of bed is like a major accomplishment. But I get up, suck it up and go on with my day. I’m beginning to wonder why. Then I start beating myself up for it. I have no reason to feel as I do…or not feel as the case may be.

Even with the stress of what’s going on at work (and hey…I doubt there is anything as a stress free job so I know I’m not alone!)…I really love my job. As my SP and I were discussing the hiring of a new Youth Director I was so okay with it…I think I surprised myself. Okay, when the person comes in it will be awkward I admit, but what I felt God was telling me at NYWC still rings true so I know it wasn’t all in my own mind. Oh, and yesterday my SP stopped by my office before my regular morning stuff got started to clear the air about last week and to tell me that I’m doing fine and things are happening. I was happy to hear it and was a little pleased I was able to tell him that yes; I felt what happened was a little “schizo.” I know…not PC, but I put it out there anyway.

I am having fun with Junior High and the games are going over well. They are looking forward to the Presbytery Retreat and want to go! The Jr./Sr. High Ski Trip won’t be well attended by Jr. High, but that is no surprise. They said they wanted it, but it is an expensive trip and I think we’d rather see them go to the retreat anyway.

But, take away all that and I feel totally dead inside and disconnected. But, as I always say…I “shouldn’t” feel that way. How can I feel dead inside and yet claim to be a Christian at the same time. How can I feel dead inside? In makes no sense. I can hear Rob tell me that I need to accept what I am feeling and not judge it. In this case, it is very hard to do.

Then there are the health problems of some of my grandmother and grandfather. My grandfather has two blocked arteries in his neck. They are 60-80% and until he sees the vascular surgeon and there are more tests, we won’t know what the next step is. My mom thought 60% didn’t sound all that bad until I explained that meant there was at best only 40% blood flow through the arteries and at worst 20%. My grandmother had an MRI on her spine and legs last week and gets the results Wednesday. I’m not dealing with it very well (internally) and I feel so utterly alone. There no one to talk to on AIM and no one talks to me anymore so I am very timid about IMing anyone out of the blue anyway. Besides, what can I say? What can anyone do? I’m just dying to get to So Cal in April and spend time with friends…four months seems like an eternity, but it just about four months until my trip. I just need to make it until then.

Overwhelmed II

This whole playground thing is going to give me a headache. Yesterday I felt like my head was going to explode with the whole thing. The rules, the regulations, the options, etc.

Afterward, my SP tells me we need to move ahead with the Nursery Plan. I looked at him and said that I gave him a timeline the day before for what we will complete by the end of next month. While on Tuesday it is good enough...yesterday it was not. HOWEVER...when I don't know WHO is going to be the new Facilities chair there is nothing I can do. I need to know who can go buy some items, who can install them, do we have to go outside the church, etc.

Oh...and then there is the fact I am PT and have "normal" day to day stuff I need to get done. I don't think anyine realizes I am (right now anyway) exepcted to do FT work in a PT schedule. I know if bring that up I will be told I can quit.

Stop the world...I wanna get off!

Overwhelmed...

I feel overwhelmed, but I am not sure how much of it is reality. I look at deadlines, activities, projects and think there is no way it gets done. But, God always seems to give me the time I need to get it done and no matter how my insides feel...there is that peace that tells me that I can stress all I want...but He is in control and I can rest in that.

I am already in partial VBS mode as well as Nursery refurbishment mode, Jr. High mode and who in the heck can I get to sub this week mode! I also have to remember that neither God nor my SP have told me I need to take everything that happened in our 1:1 and get it done right this second! It's my need to overachieve and to prove my worth that drives me to get it all done (and "perfectly") "right now." I need to let that part play out (and not fight it) while at the same time realize that not getting it all done by tomorrow does not mean I am a loser, underachiever nor a slacker.

Now all I have to do is really believe that even if I don't complete things within 24 hours that is OK.

%%$^%#%^&!!!!

I had written a really long post about me and black and white thinking and then our DSL connnection went "poof" for a a couple minutes and I lost it. Grrr...

I'll post again when I can rewrite it. I hate when that happens!!!

But for now...I will leave you with mt "Rent" lyrics of the day:

ROGER
Who Who, Mark, Are You?
"Mark Has Got His Work"
They Say "Mark Lives For His Work"
And "Mark's In Love With His Work"
Mark Hides In His Work

MARK
But From What?

ROGER
From Facing Your Failure, Facing Your
Loneliness
Facing The Fact You Live A Lie
Yes, You Live A Lie - Tell You Why

You're Always Preaching Not To
Be Numb
When That's How You Thrive
You Pretend To Create And Observe

When You Really Detach From Feeling
Alive

MARK
Perhaps It's Because I'm The One Of Us
To Survive

Playground Progress

I am at my desk trying to get motivated to go downstairs and make copies! I really do like my job and don't mind the "grunt" work that goes with it...I am just really tired. But, today is a good day for us!

A consultant is coming out today to look at our now defunct playground. The equipment (partially shown in the picture) cannot be put back in after the Capernaum Project building project is done. It won't be safe, won't be up to code, etc. So, I have someone from Grounds for Play coming out to look at the space, talk about our needs, etc. I know she will help with budgeting, etc.

You'd Think They Won the Super Bowl!

Sorry I haven't updated since the game. On my way to get my grandfather I just missed having a huge tree crash down on my car. In the less than 5 minutes it took to drive through the intersection, get my grandpa and be off again, a 3 ft. in diameter tree fell (we were having a storm...lots of wind...nothing compared to Napa though) across all of Meridian Ave. When I dropped him off the tree was still there and when I got home we had no electricity and no heat. This went on for 30 hours!

The game was a lot of fun...even in the rain! However, the 49ers being the 49ers, we never saw them too much at our end of the field! Thankfully, the jumbotron was in fine condition! Getting to see Alex Smith finally throw a TD pass and to watch Nedney in action was a wonderful thing.

One guy called out (not that anyone but those around him could hear) to Alex Smith, "Put stick'em on your hands and keep it there!" There is talk of Smith's small hands, but Rich Gannon says that Smith's hands dwarf his. Who knows? I, for one, am glad he can run, but there were those around me who "don't want another Steve Young." Hmmm....they are nuts! Each first down meant much rejoicing in the stands! Kind of sad when there are celebrations that we managed a 1st down...but celebrate we did!

Some bozo decided to come in their Oakland Raider gear. He stayed pretty quiet for most of the game. Maybe it was the beer, but he finally began causing problems and baited two 49er fans into a "heated debate." Next thing we know, the police are escorting all three men out. Then there was the guy who showed up in a Green Bay jacket. He was already on his way out when he got into a shouting match with another 49er faithful.

The rain wasn't too bad until toward the end. If there had been double OT we might have left. As we were walking to the car the sky really opened up and it poured all the way home. The newspaper said there were 30,000 there from the start and 20,000 by the time the game ended. That made getting out of the parking lot so much easier. I went to StubHub.com to buy a parking pass and that was the best thing I could have done. If I knew how to get from the Bayshore Caltrain station to the game we probably would have done that instead of driving...but I was clueless.

I loved being able to go to a practice and am so glad I made it to one game this year. Tickets are so expensive! If the 49ers were doing well there would have been no way I would have been able to get 2 tix for less than the price of one on eBay. And, though we were in the end zone, if I had the $$ to buy regular priced tickets why would I want to sit in UR?

Okay, I need to get back to work! I have a brochure I need to finish for our 4th-5th grade camp! :)