Hmmmmm....

I sometimes hate that I haven't kept up with this the way I want to. Lately it is because of zippo access at home for the moment. Long story...but I have a new lap top and I hate Vista. That is the basic gist...oh...and I wish I could afford more than dial up!

Anyway, VBS is coming up fast and I think that we are in OK shape. Not great...but it WILL happen and it will amaze us all. The main thing is getting kids (especially our own) to register. I did have a call from a parent letting me know her kids will be coming. They loved last year so I am excited to see them again!

Presbyterian Youth Triennium really isn't that far away either and I am looking forward to it and at the same time am not. Last time I had people I knew to hang out or at least touch base with. This year...no. Unless I am surprised an Andy is there...but I am not holding my breath. Not that I NEED someone there to hold my hand...but it helps! :)

Things at the HP have slowed and so I have two more training dates in the Event Office. I am excited about it except that one night is during the John Mayer concert and I really wanted to see him! That's OK though...I need to learn the position during all sorts of events. I have done an ice show and in June it is a Saber Cats game and the concert. I also get to work Will Call for the first time. Best of all, I don't have to work Joel Osteen. I am sorry if you like him, I don't mean to offend...but he is not my cup of tea! The big downside? Besides Strikeforce I have to be at the HP at 7:00 AM the day AFTER VBS! UGH, UGH, UGH!

Things here at church seem to be going well. My numbers pretty much doubled because of CL. I really like the CL kids and that gives us boys...something kind of lacking in the "Anglo" portion of our congregation. I am learning names, but I need to find out ages/grades. The kids know English, but it is a challenge with the parents though we are finding ways and I think it will be fine. This summer we are using a Saddleback DVD curriculum so I can gauge how we are doing and what I need to do as far as teachers and leaders in the fall.

Food still stinks...big time. My weight hasn't budged in weeks which is annoying, but I am not too surprised. Between years of ED and PCOS going undiagnosed my metabolism is a mess. I think the gym will help fuel the furnace a little and I know eating would do that as well, but the desire isn't there a whole lot. I mean I do eat and there are times when I feel like I am doing nothing BUT eating...but I also see that as a distortion. I think the frustration is burning 800+ on the cross ramp and using the weight machines and seeing the scale not move at all. I am trying really hard (and succeeding) to not spend more than 90 minutes at the gym 3-4 days a week...but I really want to be there longer. I would like to do 90 minutes of cardio and then the weights. Make that the other way around. Studies are showing if you do the weights first and then do cardio you burn up to 10% more calories the rest of the day!

My grandfather either has prostate cancer or they aren't sure. My mother has been going with him to appointments and I can't get a straight answer from anyone. I am unamused. I realize it is HIGHLY treatable...but I'd like to be in the loop. I am 37...not three or seven and I think I can handle whatever. The 18th he is going for some procedure and I am picking him up and I'll know more then, unless I can get the 411 from him directly.

I am also in the this weird place that missing sessions with Rob has me stressed and feeling really "weird." I haven't had problems with this in a LONG time. But, ever since my So Cal trip, it has been an issue. Missing Monday was really hard and now I had to cancel the 18th for my grandfather and probably the whole week after that because of VBS. Then I leave for PYT and come home and he is on vacation. I hate that for whatever reason I need him so much right now. It's not like anything life shattering is going in therapy at the moment, but I really hate when we have to skip sessions.

Okay, I am off to make up my VBS wish list!

I'm Weird!

And I know y'all knew that! I was tagged by Ryan to come up with six weird/strange things about me and then tag 6 others.

1. I love Junior Highers! I started my youth/children's ministry career with high school ministry...but I LOVE Jr. Highers. In fact, I am leading tonight and our YD told me that when the JHers knew I was coming and teaching they said they would be there.

2. I am a "girly girl," but if a hockey game goes by without a big fight I am sorely disappointed when I go home.

3. When I was in school I had a tendency to work ahead and completed my 5th grade math book by Christmas vacation.

4. All my volunteer experience (CC, Saddleback) has been in mega-churches. All my paid experience has been in churches 250 and under.

5. I love to cook/bake and share it with others instead of trying it myself.

6. I don't mind vacationing alone.

I tag:

Mel, Jeff, PK, Todd, Clint, Brian

Jars of Clay

Today I am taking a me day because I know if I went into work then I would get nothing done because my mind is all over the place about today.

One thought occured to me. OTHER than God, which is a given, the most consistent thing in my life the last seven years has been my love for Jars of Clay. Go ahead and laugh...but it's true. I mean it has been LONGER than seven years...but when it comes to Marc, Greg and Rob...all three are ties to Jars' music in my mind for one reason or another. Kind of odd...but it's really funny. I heard a song from the CD "If I Left the Zoo" and that reminded me of Marc. Not the song...but there is a song from that CD.

Greg more because he had to hear me babble on about them when I saw them in concert about a zillion times. They didn't have a CD come out when I saw him.

Rob gets the bulk of my Jars' talk. I buy a CD, download onto iTunes and loan it to him. I think I have done that with every CD in the last 4 years. So dorky...but I have given him an appreciation for them!

I really wanted to take today and reflect on my last session with Marc and what I feel about it. But, that hasn't happened. In fact, I have done anything I could to not think about the emotions of it all. It stunk, the way it all happened was unfair (in my opinion) and there would be a lot I would do over. The last few years I have been able to sit back and be thankful for the time we had, for everything he did (right or wrong) and for setting me on this journey. Not this year. I mean I can still do all that...but I also feel like my heart is being ripped out of my body yet again.

That's the one thing I told (well...wrote to him) him about 2 months after he told me he would be leaving CIFT. I wrote it was like I was having heart surgery and he gets called away. Someone else CAN finish the job, but that person hasn't been there since the beginning and they weren't the one holding my heart in their hand. Sappy...but at the time I thought it was brilliant. That's what I get for thinking!

Anniversaries

I promised a post on the anniversaries I eluded to so here it is. Although, I have to mention this first: something happened to my computer and I lost EVERYTHING document/picture/music wise. It’s really kinds of weird. If anyone has a clue how I can get them back, please let me know. I am pretty sure it is all gone forever…and it is the pictures that break my heart. All my important documents are burned on CDs and what I lost wasn’t totally important, but I did lose part 3 and the beginning of part 4 of my ED articles for YMX, I lost my resume and some other stuff I was in the process of burning onto CD. I lost everything on iTunes. THAT is a killer.

I had emailed Rob about the dates and when he asked me about them yesterday I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t. Seven years ago yesterday, I spent a few hours in the ER talking my way OUT of being admitted to the psych ward after a half hearted suicide attempt. Half hearted may not be the right words. More of…part way through I snapped out of whatever zone I was in and stopped. It was a definite if one Prozac is good then several more must be better, didn’t put any real thought into it thing. It seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do. Get up, go to church, call my mom and grandmother and tell them Happy Mother’s Day, hang up and take a bunch of pills.

It was impulsive and yet and the same time I lied to Marc when I walked out his door for the next to the last time and told him I was safe when I knew it wasn’t true. It kind of became a thing the last few weeks…verbally contracting for safety. To my “credit,” I did call him later and told him I lied…but that I was OK. It’s not like he didn’t know I was constantly counting my Prozac leading up to what happened. I told him. My guess is I figured if I talked about it, it might prevent me from actually doing anything about it.

Seven years later I have no clue what I feel about it. Part of the time I am really glad I snapped out of it because there are things the last seven years I wouldn’t have missed for anything. Part of the time I could kick myself for snapping out of it and absolutely wish if I hadn’t carried it out then that I would have in 2003.

It hasn’t 100% occupied my thoughts and I am still not sure if I feel regret about not doing enough to kill myself that day or not. You’d think I’d have more to say this far removed from the whole thing…but I don’t.

The other anniversary is Thursday. It will have been seven years since my last session with Marc. I guess that is where I regret a lot of things…mainly for really clamming up for almost five months. Not that I didn’t talk in that time…but the day he told he’d be leaving we might as well have quit seeing him then. He knew how absolutely devastated I was, he knew that I couldn’t deal with it and, for better or worse, he allowed me to rely on the written word to tell him all that. The second he tried to bring the subject up I would shut down. Stupid and immature I know…but I didn’t know how to handle it. I still maintain telling me 5 months before the fact was not the smartest thing to do and I would love to know his thinking.
I really try and not paint that time all nice and rosy because it wasn’t. There were days I pretty much plopped down on the couch and simply wanted to sleep because I was exhausted. I guess the no food and at times exercising my head off will do that to a person. I remember once he told me that was OK and if I needed to sleep I could sleep…but really couldn’t do that and have him watch me sleep for an hour! I ended up in the ER pretty much once a month the whole time I saw him for one reason or another. When he suggested meds the evaluation I went through at Kaiser was awful. I put him off for months and after what happened, I probably should have kept blowing the suggestion off!

But, for all the “red flags” that supposedly were there (according to my therapist when I went to Remuda the first time)…there are a few things that I will be eternally grateful for:
1. He took me on when even though I told him I was pretty much forced to be there and was only about 30% sure I wanted to be there.
2. He didn’t expect me to give up any behaviors until I was ready. This may have been not such a good thing, but didn’t seem any different than what my friends’ therapists were doing. Obviously the goal is to stop, but at that point, there would have been no way I could have stopped. I managed around 12 days (in a row) at one point, but that was it.
3. He instinctively knew when I needed a call. There were a few occasions where I hadn’t called him (hadn’t needed to really) and he called me. The two times that stand out are before the icky evaluation at Kaiser. I was really anxious and about 11 PM my phone rings. Considering I wasn’t falling asleep until 2 or 3 in the morning it figures it was the one night I fell asleep early! Just before he left to go out of town Easter 2000 he told me not to isolate. My car was in the shop and so that really impacted what I could do and where I could go except for Easter stuff with Gina’s family. Over the weekend he called me from wherever he and his family were for Easter to check up on me.

You’d think seven years later I’d be over it. It’s been a long time and I wouldn’t trade Rob for anything. In fact, the last couple years the date has come in gone and I have thought about it, but it hasn’t had me on edge, anxious, shaky…whatever it is that’s going on.

Season Over...Update 1

This is the HP Pavilion. Home of my 2nd job and of the San Jose Sharks! Having the season end prematurely was a heart breaker. Seeing Bill Guerin's injury, the shark and the squid I could have lived quite happily without seeing. I was at the end of the team bench (outside the glass) for game 4 and saw the shark (long story...even longer how it got IN the building) and saw Guerin as they brought him off the ice. The last 90 seconds of Game 6 a Red Wings fan threw a squid on the ice. It had probably been hidden in his pocket for a few hours. The stink was soooooooo bad. But, there wasn't anything any of could have done. A few of us saw it, but couldn't stop it in time.

Another usher equated last Monday's game to the last day of school. The ushers are not seasonal and we work year round, but some people do take a leave over the summer and not every event needs all 170+ of us to work. In fact, I loved picking up my paycheck yesterday because I got to see people! Okay, there is a SJ Sabercats game on Saturday...but still!

So, we have a few months of no hockey and I am really sad. I will miss seeing my fellow ushers several times a week and I will miss the guests. I met some really neat people at the games and enjoyed having conversations with them.

More to Come

Just a quick hi to anyone who may still read this stuff. I will blog more about the end of the Sharks, season, what is up with me and food (though to my credit none of it is coming up!), what is going with therapy stuff (perfectionism...loads of fun!) and a couple of significant anniversaries coming up next week...the 14th ad especially the 17th. I sort of find it funny because the 4th anniversary of me leaving for LIFE the last time barely registered until the day of!

That enough to keep you coming back? ;)

But Wait...Here's More!

It's a Small World

I have always liked this scene!

I am going to tell the kids this is what will happen to them if they do not sign up for VBS!!

Frederick with my YOAMD prize!

More Pix!

Matterhorn

Who Are You?

In line for Star Tours

Everyone and their brother has shots like these...but I take one every year anyway!

Inside The Animation Building

Some of My Trip In Pix...Disneyland Pix!

The Jungle Cruise...or a self portrait?

Love the baby ducks! I can watch them for HOURS!

Getting ready to take off on the Astro Blasters

I really like this attraction. Even better when there is NO line!

The lobby of the Hollywood Towers Hotel!

Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

Last night my friend Steve, whom I have known for about 15 years, and I went to the Angels game! It was fun as always. I was sitting in the 400s and I have never sat that high up before. It wasn't too bad. Job hazard: I watched the ticket takers and ushers off and on. I was surprised what they let guests get away with! Best thing is they won!

This morning I went to church and for the first time tried a different venue than the traditional Saddleback service. I went to Overdrive and I really liked it. I almost stayed for another service just to try another one out!

I went to Disneyland and picked up my Park Hopper for the week and then headed to Irvine Spectrum for a movie and finally a meal. I only ate maybe 1/2 and then had a glass of wine. That was stupid. Somehoe I gained 2 pounds today. I am so NOT amused.

Tomorrow is the "Walk in Walt's Footsteps" tour! I am really looking forward to it. I have always wanted to take a guided tour and decided to splurge...even though I probably shouldn't have.

Lapse or Relapse?

It depends on who you ask. If you ask my dietitian she would tell you I am in a relapse. If you ask me, I am struggling...but I am holding my own. If you asked Rob, he would probably be somewhere in between the two of us.

I am not even sure what has happened. One day I am pretty much eating a couple meals a day and even a snack at times and the next thing you know I am going to the gym (which is not a wise choice) and doing an hour of cardio on the cross ramp and then some circuit weight stuff. But, it's not like I am losing a ton of weight. Okay, if I didn't have PCOS it would be...but I do so it is coming off slowly and is only now being noticed by people.

The odd thing is that even thought I say, "But it's different this time." It really is. It is different because it is NOT a relapse and different because I can see some of the issues very clearly. Most of it has to do with my "old friend" the cognitive distortion. There are many of them and right now the one knocking on my brain is "magical thinking." You see...things are going well right now both at church and at the HP. I am loving both places and would not give either one up for anything. However, my mind has somehow linked this "success" to restricting. If I continue to restrict then things will CONTINUE to go well. I almost passed out in Barnes & Noble at Fashion Island tonight because I hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours (I think I had a soft chicken taco and a bottle of water) and I think things will continue to go well?? I don't think so. I also write that one off to exhaustion of a 6+ hour drive to OC in the rain...but no food didn't help.

There is also the fact that I don't think I DESERVE what is happening right now. I could teach on grace and mercy until the cows come home...but I find it very hard to extend those things to myself. Part of that is my perfectionism which I am learning needs to be managed because it will NOT go away and it shouldn't in some cases. When I work as part of a team it really helps when I am working as part of a team (big picture) but am more on my own it causes me problems. I still need to process that more and come to terms with the fact that it's not going to go away and no amount of wishing is going to make it happen.

So, Rob and I are slowly making our way through "Gaining." I have been holding back. As much as it makes sense to me...I froze in sharing it with him. I figured out why. I was afraid he wouldn't believe me...that I was just pulling stuff out of a book because it sounded good. When I lived in Indiana, the therapist I was seeing didn't believe me when I told him I was throwing up almost everything I ate because my weight wasn't changing much. I had myself convinced Rob wouldn't believe what I said about the book. We talked it out on Monday and discussed what I wanted to share Thursday and it was good. It was very good.

I am on vacation for the next week or so and we'll see what happens. I cannot have a repeat of today!

I Can Die a Happy Woman Pt. 2

I had the absolute joy and pleasure of working "in the bowl" last night for game #3. One of the best things about working at the HP is that we get moved around and get to learn a bunch of different jobs within our department. For the most part, we never know where we will be until the assignments go up the day of the event. I was really expecting to be outside the bowl as I have not been inside for the last few games of the season. I was absolutely "giddy" when I saw I was going to get me be inside and in a section where I have worked before which lowers my anxiety immensely. Not that I get too anxious anymore...but this is playoffs! A whole new ball o' wax!

Not sure if I can adequately describe what it is like being in the bowl for a game like last night's game. The energy was so different than the other games. They gave white pom poms out at the doors and when we scored...to look around and see the bowl turn white as people shook them and the noise and the music and the excitement...wow! It means a lot to me since I know I will not be in the bowl Wednesday as I am Inside Director. However, this means I get to experience it all from a whole different POV.

Guests were so kind last night and so much fun! At least in my section. I was high fived...I was hugged (always a shock), I was told what a good job I was doing and no one sat in the wrong seat! :) At the end, we do "Three Stars of the Game" and three kids receive an autographed souvenir stick. The big rules is to not let kids hang on the glass as parents put them on their shoulders or hold them up. We get to the #1 Star and Mike Grier headed right toward where a little girl was with her dad in my section. She couldn't quite get up even with her dad, so we boosted her up a little more together and she got the stick! A guest told me that was a really nice thing to do and asked me if I'd lift HIM up on Wednesday. I love my job!

I Can Die a Happy Woman!

I can die happy now! Okay, working the Josh Groban concert last night isn't the last thing I want to do with my life...but it wasn't a bad thing at all!

I have been a Groban fan since the first time I ever heard him sing. I loved him on "Ally McBeal" and he is an incredibly talented man. He was here in concert last night and I was fortunate enough to get to work the concert and be placed as a floor usher!

It was fun talking to guests and hear how much they LOVE Josh. I was talking to this one "mature" guest and she told me she felt "kittenish." Her hubby looked at me and rolled his eyes. While there were probably some husbands/significant others that were there simply for their spouse/SO...there were plenty of men who appreciated Groban for his amazing voice and he was just so funny!

My New Favorite Book

On my MySpace one of the groups I belong to is for RR alums. One of the girls/women/"whatever" I was with had mentioned the book and it sounded interesting. However, over the past I don't know how many years I have read a TON about EDs (for both triggering and not so triggering reasons) and wasn't sure if I really wanted another book. Of course all my other books (both good and bad) were given to Rob before I went to LIFE the last time.

A few weeks ago I got a friend request from the author. My guess it was based on the fact I belong to a couple ED groups on MySpace. Anyway, I accepted and looked at Aimee's MySpace and decided I'll get the book.

Last week at the mall I popped into Borders and bought it. I read it straight through from cover to cover. I bought a copy for Rob and I think he was shocked. So, now I am trying to go through it slowly and really read what she is saying and how that does (or not) apply to me. My only complaint is that it is all based on anorexia and bulimia and leaves out ED-NOS. In some ways that is no biggie because I would venture most of us know where we fall on the spectrum. While to look at me one would guess "COE" I am not even close. My mindset and traits fall into anorexia and, as my RR therapist told me 7 years ago, you are a blip on the screen for bulimic tendencies.

There is so much in here that makes sense to me. Aimee writes:

Our similarities went way beyond where and when we were raised: we both dreaded making a mistake;both hated being the center of attention, even though we craved praise and needed to excel; we didn't laugh easily or openly trust ourselves to relax.

I do think I laugh easily...depending on who I am with...but the rest fits like a glove. Even knowing I am going to make mistakes I dread it. There is no way around it because we aren't perfect (really...I promise...we aren't), but I hate it...especially when I try so hard not to make one. Even presenting to Session the other night I so wanted them to like what I did (putting together our Children's Ministry handbook) and yet I hated that the focus was on me.

Rob accuses me of being there mainly to be compliant. I finally emailed him and told him I have realized there is NOTHING I can say that will convince him otherwise. Then I read this:

"...we try to move patients to a new framework, to enable them to accept growth and change." The problem is that growing and changing run directly counter to the craving of order and familiarity the typifies anorexia nervosa. Carefully constructed rituals and disciplines protect and illusion of emotional safety. By challenging these rigid patterns of behavior and thinking, treatment threatens to expose "unacceptable" emotions like fear and and grief and despair.

Ack! I am realizing how true that is for me. I have rid myself of many food rituals and things like that over the last few years since my last stay at RR, but I have also seen myself other things I try and do to keep some sort of order to my life. Things like working today at the HP instead of seeing Rob, while my choice, has me in a bit of a tizzy and kinda has me paralyzed to do much else today but sit here and blog!

I saw this on one of Aimee's blogs:

I’ve been prowling some of the chat rooms where my new book GAINING is being discussed, and I’ve noticed just one complaint, from those who are still fully in the grip of an eating disorder. Why, they wonder, does the book not spell out “how to” recover?

I find this a very telling comment. It reflects an assumption that there is a single, one-size-fits-all solution. But there is no single way in to an eating disorder. How could there be a single way out?

I fully understand the hunger behind this comment. Just tell me what I have to do to get free of this suffering! But ultimately, freedom comes with self-awareness and self-acceptance. Because each of us has a different “self,” shaped by a different temperament, interests, desires, and experiences, we must each find our own ways to the pursuits and passions and people that best nourish us.

The desire for a prescription also reflects the black-and-white thinking that gives rise to eating disorders in the first place. We get into trouble because we embrace what researchers call the “overvalued ideal” of perfection as suffering. This notion of perfection, I believe, lies closer to the true heart of eating disorders than the ideal of physical thinness.

Wow!

Sigh...

Jr. High retreat was awesome! I can honestly say other than some little things I would not change a thing about the weekend. For me to say that...well...that's huge. Above are some pix!

I haven't been here for a long time. Not sure why. I am really busy and that is a huge part of it. Part of it is also I don't have a whole lot to say right now.

I never heard back from Saddleback...I found out I wasn't going to even GET an interview when I saw Kurt's post on his blog about bringing someone in. Truthfully, I thought they would be better than most churches when it comes to communication. It really surprised me they wouldn't let people know through a quick email. I know...no one is perfect...but I did expect better.

We are busy, busy busy at the HP with the Western Regional coming up this week. I am soooo excited!

Right now I am in a huge slide and I am not sure why. It kind of started when I had diverticulitis and has gone downhill from there.

A Free Moment...

I just put the finishing touched on our Children's Ministry Volunteer Handbook. My SP needs to look at it and then Session needs to look at it and then we need to implement it. I may try and hold off until fall. Most of the stuff we are already doing that is why I'd like the hold off. Plus, by the time I make changes, Session approves it, etc. the "year" will be over and we actually gear down at summer except for VBS.

Tonight the PAC-10 Women's Tourney begins and I am looking forward to it. I start in five hours so I have a little down time. I will probably find a place to go and read...maybe go to the mall and get *gasp* something to eat. Right now I'm not hungry, but I know I need to eat something before we start tonight. Our 15 minute break is not enough time to sit down and eat anything, just to sit down and inhale something!

I have been kicking around what "compliant" means and how much I am being "compliant" because that's what I do...and how much I am being compliant because I want to be free...I want to not struggle with food and the issues behind it. I guess I should reverse that. I do the latter and the former will happen. Not that I am doing terribly because I'm not...compared to 7 years ago...compared to four years ago...but I know I am also not where I should be and I am not sure what is holding me back from diving in. I sometimes get frustrated with that...Rob is ALWAYS frustrated with it as he shared with me yesterday. I'll see him 2 days next week and then the next two weeks it will only be once because of my schedule. Could be interesting.

Disney on Ice

Wednesday night started a return engagement of Disney on Ice. It is an awesome show and I like it a lot. They did a great job with The Incredibles storyline and tying it in with Disneyland. During the Haunted Mansion segment I find myself reciting the "spiel" because I know it so well. I work tonight and then tomorrow morning and then that's it until Monday when the Sharks come home! I'm not going to see this show because I don't want to go alone and my mom doesn't want to see this one. So, I will have a nice break until church Sunday and the Sharks/PAC-10 Women's Tourney next weekend.

Of course, this show is making me more excited to go down to OC in April for PDCM and Disneyland! I still need to figure out where I am going to stay, etc. Anna is out after the way her husband treated me (and her) when I was there last year. OMG...I see the woman (who I have known since she was FOURTEEN) ONCE a year. My bet is I won't even get to see her this year. I get the baggage from his first marriage...I get the wounds that are still there...but Anna is NOT that woman and all I want to do is see someone who started out as a kid in my small group and became a great friend. Sigh... I may see if I can stay in Buena Park with my friend Gina for a few days and then priceline.com a hotel closer to Saddleback for the conference. I don't mind commuting from Irvine (really don't want to do it from Anaheim) the rest of the week.

Debra gave me ownership of the JH Retreat and then took it away...I think without realizing it...and it's just annoying. I need and will talk to her...but I am taking a break for the next month or so. Part of that is because I will be working some stuff at the HP. My one reservation about saying anything is that she will profusely apologize and then do it again in a couple months. For the most part, this is OK because I have a lot to do leadership/registration wise for the retreat, but that is kinda not the point.

Next month I meet with my JH Student Leaders and we'll plan the dreaded Easter Egg Hunt for Easter. At least I was able to change it to BEFORE church so the kids (and me) can stay IN church for the whole service. That's been a huge pet peeve of mine since I got there. Now if I could just get them to let me cancel it completely... I have to say that this team of 5 Jr. Highrs is probably the best thing I have done for the new year. They are committed, their parents are committed to have them at meetings and the teachers are giving me great reports back on them.

That's kind of it. I have been so busy at the HP that when I at church I try to focus there on what needs to be done. After we are done with the latest Saddleback DVD series, it is back to regular WoRM and I need to find teachers...and the "empty tomb" recipe! The kids have been asking about it for months and we haven't done a cooking rotation for a few months.

Still nothing about the position at Saddleback. I am guessing that it was a no go and they had too many applicants to get back to everyone...or, as I said before, Katie's acknowledgment, was a thank you sending it...that's it...type thing. Not that I am unhappy where I am and I LOVE the HP...but I do miss OC and my friends and Disneyland and would love the chance to go back if God wants me to.

It's Over...for Now!

Today I completed 13 days without a day off. HUGE mistake. I have two full days off and then I am back to twice a day W, TH and F and then Saturday morning and Sunday. I work the Sharks on the 26^th and 28^th and I’ll get my schedule for March on the 26^th.

After finishing my first big event at the HP…I know better how to structure my schedule next year. I got to be part of the “special staffing.” This sounds a lot better than it really is. Yes, I was given a different uniform to wear for most of the time…but it was NOT glamorous work. It was being on the perimeter of the “glam stuff” and making sure only those allowed in certain areas were let in to those areas. It was telling people “no” and sending them where they needed to go. I saw none of the actual event…just what was on TV when I wasn’t working. Granted, I had the opportunity to say hello to a player (initiated by them), but I also had to send them back to the locker room if they didn’t have their credentials. Most of them were very nice about it…a couple were quite rude and one came close to pushing me aside when I asked him for his credential, but I moved first.

Most of the sponsors for the event were great as well. The company that sponsored the event has 35,000 employees in over 100 countries and so we had people from all over the world in the building. I think what amazed me was that some of these people assumed that just because we are ushers that we must be uneducated and only there to try to be groupies for whatever event is in the building at the time. They have no idea how highly educated some of the ushers are and what jobs they hold or have held in the past. Yes we have college students and high schoolers on staff...but that is the minority.

Two things happened this week…one really bad and one that made it all OK. Well, not really, but it was a nice little cap to the end of my day. There was some spoken and some unspoken jealousy about my “special” status this past week. I didn’t ask for it, I had nothing to do with being “chosen” for it, etc. They tell me to do something and I do it. It finally got to me on Thursday night. One of the guys that I get along with fairly well went on and on and ON about how it wasn’t fair, that he heard you had to have been there a year to be chosen, etc. Then, when I was in my spot for the night, one of the others came to give me my break and she questions if I was doing my job correctly. That did it. I barely made it back up the elevator, across the concourse and back down stairway 8 to the Uniform Room before I started really crying. Another usher, trying to be helpful, tells me that we need to just go with the flow because that night I was in “her spot” only because there was a screw up in her schedule.

The good/sweet thing that happened was one of the sponsor’s staffers. One night I thought I may have screwed up and asked him who I should apologize to. I let a CRT team member down the stairs instead of sending him down the elevator. Their job is to get where they need to be as quickly as possible so I didn’t think until it happened. Anyway, I was explaining that to James and telling him I was really sorry. He told me that it was fine, it was no big deal and that I was doing a great job. Wednesday night he came up to me and formally introduced himself and I was glad to have an ally. Friday I was in my “blues” and he got there (I had been there since before light) about 5ish or so and told me I looked “smart” in my uniform. Gag!

Since I didn’t work today, last night I let him know and he said to make sure I say goodbye before I left or he’d come find me at the end of the matches. He was handling some transportation issues and so I went out to day goodbye. He said he’d see me next year and I said that as far as I knew I was planning on being there and we shook hands. I started to head back in when he pulled me back out and leaned over and kissed my cheek. I know it was no big deal…but it was sweet.

Here’s the thing. I get so very little affection (friendly or otherwise) from anyone other than my hugs from Rob at the end of our sessions that just that little peck of friendship/finishing a battle well together…whatever you want to call it really felt good. Okay, a friend of mine was asked for her phone number by one of the players…but this was still nice. I am such a dork!

In other rants…I didn’t even get a card from my mom for Valentine’s Day. I made sure she had a card and some candy…and I got nothing! She bought a meatloaf Thursday night and when I got home at almost 1 AM Friday morning I just wanted to go to bed and so I said I’d eat some later Friday. I get off work, stop to get some potato wedges to go with the meatloaf and she gave the rest to my grandparents! She offered to go me something else…but I told her to forget it! This is one of the reasons why James’ kindness meant a lot.

Anyone Out There?

Lets' see...

I finished my meds and so far, so good. I am pain free and infection free, but it is still hard to eat. I do and am doing okay...but there is a little fear each time I have to eat. I made the mistake of eating some broccoli too soon and so anything that might have more fiber in it (though it helps with not having another infection) scares me a little. I had an apple last night at work (I wish they would have fruit ALL the time. I think it would sell at other events.) and it was fine. So, I tuink it is safe.

Our SP is back from Sabbatical and it has been a fairly smooth transition to "back to normal." I know there will be some changes (good ones) as a result of his time away and I am looking forward to them. We meet tomorrow for an hour or so to talk about the last few months and where I need his help ASAP. We talked a bit after staff meeting yesterday and it was really positive. I think tomorrow will be a good meeting.

I am almost at my 260 hours at the HP and I will be off probation. Most jobs have a 60-90 thing, but because we are event based, they do our probationary period by hours worked. I'll get a raise and that's about it...but it will good to know I have passed that milestone. I think I am just over 40 hours shy of the 260. This month I have had three 5 hour days already and I still work three more nights this week that should be 5+ hours. The rest will add up.

Our Presbytery JH Retreat is coming up the 2nd weekend in March and I am working on stuff for that. Getting the order sheets ready to fax to the camp next week, finalizing the schedule for approval of the rest of the committee, working with the speaker to get what I need from him to do the booklets, etc. It is going to weird to be there with our kids and yet not be "with them." With all my duties while we are there (registration, Friday's group game, MCing, etc.) I am going to stay in a leadership cabin so I can sleep when I need to and be up when I need to. The bummer thing is DST starts while we are there! We lose an hour our last night! Ugh!

Haven't heard anything from Saddleback yet...who knows? I am so excited about the possibility, but since I have not received anything other than Katie's acknowledgment...I am thinking it is thanks, but no thanks.

Oh...GO SHARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Pain in...

I know...been MIA again. Last week I spent two days in pain before I finally went to the ER. Having no insurance I was scared to go. But, since I make NO $$, I qualified for a program that cost me a whopping $20 for everything. This was good because I had a CT scan!

Turns out I have diverticulitis. I am a little young (a lot young) and I have feeling it is a long term effect of Mr. ED. Anyway, they gave me meds and vicodin and sent me home. Turns out I was allergic to the meds and my face swelled like a balloon. I called Urgent Care and they said quit taking them, drink a lot of water and they could see me Monday. I have a new med and so far...so good. I am still in a little pain, but I can work through it.

This has brought up a lot of food issues. Nothing major, but stuff I need to be aware of and work through. Rob and I started on it, but got sidetracked because some nice people encouraged me on YMX and as I was reading I literally got sick to my stomach. I think working through that is going to take precedence over food stuff.

Anyway, I will try and post more. There isn't a lot going on right now. I am gearing up for VBS and the kids are doing a great series from Saddleback. The teachers are liking the material and shock of all shocks...making it work for them!!! Woo hoo!

Junior High? I have been out of the loop the last couple weeks because it was my grandma's 86th birthday on the 21st and then they were all at Winter Camp last week. It was probably a good thing Debra left me off the leadership for the trip...with the diverticulitis I would have had to cancel anyway.