It's Been Weeks!

Okay...maybe not weeks and weeks...but geesh...I know I have been a very bad blogger these days. Maybe it's because there has been a lot going on I really can't blog about. Maybe it's because I actually have somewhat of a life these days and so I am often engaged in said life. Maybe it's because while there are some things going well...some of the the usual stuff is not going so well.

Things at the HP continue to be both wonderful and awful. It's mainly wonderful, but I am still trying to get the hang of positioning Sharks' games with varying degrees success. Last Thursday I FINALLY had a good game and it was nice to be teased and not teased because I messed up yet again! This is a busy week for me because we have the San Jose Sports Hall of Fame dinner, Fight Night and Strikeforce. After this weekend, I have nothing until Vincente Fernandez so that gives me time to get Thanksgiving stuff ready to go!

With stuff at the HP keeping me hopping...it's been hard to balance time. Things are going well at church, but I need to do better at balancing all of this. The kids are great, we are planning Winter Camp for the end of January and I love the time I can be with the junior highers. Gigi is now a full fledged hockey fan now that she has been to a couple games and we are going to see "Twilight" next week. The relational stuff has always been my strong point in ministry and that continues to be so.

Eric. There is actually a lot I can't say about him. We got together last night with another friend of ours and it was one of the best nights I have had in a long time. It simply amazes me the amount of trust he has in me (and Susan) with the little stuff and the HUGE stuff in his life. This is a friendship that I think I will have for life and would never do anything to betray his trust. It also gave me the opportunity to be open about the ED and the struggle I have been having the last week or so.

The last week has been a HUGE struggle ED wise...but it's starting to get better. I even had Boost pudding for breakfast!

Be Careful What You Ask For...

I have been after Eric to start a FB...mainly because I thought it would save $$ from texting all the time. He doesn't do email much and I think prefers to talk/text. I dropped it because I have become OK with that and truthfully, I like to talk to him. He's pretty much the first person I talk to in the morning and the last person I talk to at night. I'm sure for him it's his wife...but in my pathetic life...it's him.

Now I have to watch what I say. I took down one note that mentions him and he may not even flip through all my stuff...

An unepmployed construction worker is a very bored one. I really hope he can get on a new crew soon...for a lot of reasons!

Food Police

I am doing OK food wise. Could be better, could be worse...but I haven't purged in four years, still have never binged, etc. I have not found a great way to eat when I am at the HP and I am working on it. Truthfully, I don't feel great when I eat there. ARAMARK does a fine job and I don't mean their food...I mean the stress/anxiety of event days just cause my appetite to flee and last week I felt downright sick to my stomach after eating before the Sharks game.

Enter Eric. I have no clue to even begin to describe our friendship and how much it means to me (which is weird as well). Eric, for some reason, has has taken to being Food Police. Here's the thing. Eric has NO clue about my history. I haven't told him and I highly doubt any of the four others at the HP I trusted enough to tell (well...the EMT after the Bon Jovi incident I had to tell...but I do trust her) would tell him. I just don't see it as general conversation material or even gossip. You should hear the diet/body stuff I have to deal with on a daily basis. Could that be triggering? Maybe. Probably. There are days... All that aside, the talk upsets me more than triggers me.

So the question, "Have you eaten today?" gets asked early and often. If I say soup...I have to say what it was and that it wasn't broth. This comes from one of the trusted people. The scary part is that she KNEW to ask if it were only broth. I think she had it all figured out before I told her a thing. It doesn't just come from Eric (obviously), but it becomes almost the first thing he says to me when I see him. We may text about Fantasy Football through the day...but the minute I step foor in Base and he's there...he asks.

Yesterday was a bad day. It was "Cookie Day" and I had one oatmeal cookie and water. I was "busy." Truthfully, food just didn't sound good (though I ate when I got home last night) and I was making up for the "tons" of food I ate on Monday. I get up to Base and as we were walking to briefing he asked me. I told him no. He said something, but I didn't hear him. I will not put him in the psoition of asking him if it looks like it'd hurt me to miss a meal...no guy should have to answer than question! It's a no win for them! Later he took a break and bought a bag of Dorito's and a Diet Dr. Pepper and we are good enough friends that I can just take eat his chips. He ended up giving me the rest of the bag since he had to go back to work.

I hate when people play "Food Police." It doesn't quite bother me as much for people who know I would just as soon not eat than eat most of the time...but with Eric it becomes shade of Robbie and that scares me. It scares because that didn't end well. Okay, the situation itself was a lot different. They are nothing alike, the relationships are nothing alike...but we can't build a friendship on Eric playing Food Police.

I know I need to talk to him about it, but I don't quite know what to say. I don't want to text it, I don't want to email it...we need to actually talk about it. Maybe on my birthday? We'll be at the Sharks game and maybe I'll have a chance. I really don't want to tell him anything. I guess I just need to him that I am 6 months and 6 days older than he is and that he needs to let me make my own decisions on when to eat.

Grrrrr.....

Where Does the Time Go???

Sharks: Pre-season starts tonight! Well, we played in Anaheim on Wednesday, but out first home pre-season game starts tonight! Woo hoo!! I will maybe see 30 seconds of the game...but the energy in that building for hockey is amazing and I cannot wait to be part of that. Due to the hours I now work, I could use the energy to keep me going!

This season, Eric (one of the sups) and I are splitting to 10 game Shark Paks! I debated spending the money, but I am glad I did it. It will my only chance to see games and I don't have to worry about work. They are upper bowl seats, but not bad at all!

Work@ the HP: Love it, love it, LOVE it. I am sore, I am exhausted, I don't get paid near enough...but I DON'T care! Even when I whine I can't wait to get there because I do love what I do there. It can be stressful, frustrating and way too much can be expected of me...but I manage to get it all done in a fairly timely manner. That may end with the new door sign project I need to do. The machine is sooooooo slow! It's like a puzzle. Using my knowledge of the ushers by working with them and hearing "stuff" and matching them where they can be successful for an event. Granted, Mike changes things, but I really try to do what I think is best at the time.

Work@Church: After thinking I was not going to have a job...that has changed and so I am balancing it! Okay, the picture if JH and I am just a volunteer...but those are "my" girls! It's going well. Kick Off was fun, we are into our first rotation workshops for the year and I am excited!

ED Stuff:

It's going. That makes it sound worse than things really are. The hole I dug myself into when I was sick has improved, but not so much that Toni feels good about it. I couldn't make her any promises with food other than what I eat I will keep down. I just passed my four year anniversary of no purging last week!

I am eating, but probably not enough. This week was better than last week and that's a good sign. One would think with all the walking I do I'd actually lose weight...but nope.

Being exhausted has made time with Rob drastically improve. I think I just plain do not have the walls up because I am so tired! It's paying off. It's not fun. I leave there feeling nauseated, end up in a fog and then just want to crawl into a hole someplace. Yesterday Rob had me take three deep breaths before leaving. I think I stop breathing from time to time when I am in there.

That's pretty much it. I want to blog better/more...but I sit to write and then something else gets my attention.

No Longer a Probie!

Okay...not that type of probation...but I liked the patch!

Yesterday I got to work and it was time for Mike and Pam to be in meetings. Pam was in one meeting and then Mike went into one or two more. He finally emerges and calls us into his office. I grab notes I have, the positioning for one of the weekend events and my pen.

We sit down and Mike closes the door. That is truly a rarity. First off he tells us that we will not be moving desks! Woo hoo! Now we can get things unpacked from last week and have a functional desk again! He said there was really no real reason for us to move and moving Patrick to our spot wouldn't make a difference (efficiency wise) on way or another.

I also have some data entry stuff that will be added to my growing list of duties. And I do mean growing! This is coming from another area and this is viewed as a good thing...others are taking notice.

Then Mike tells me that my probation period is over. I laughed. I told him I knew we talked about it before I was hired and it totally left my head and thought process. I told him nothing I have done has been because I was on probation so he doesn't have to worry things will change. Just the day before yesterday he made some comment that I am too good at my job and there is no way I would change anything. After this month Pam and I are not to work on events together (not that we have much anyway...but he doesn't realize that). He wants us to work on Sharks together since this will be new for me...but he said that I have shown the learning curve will be short. So, we will do the pre-season together and the opening night and after that I am on my own!

We went on with our day...I called the minors telling them if I don't have their work permit this weekend they will be sent home, printed out a check list for Sharks to become familiar with it pre-positioning and got ready for the hiring session.

I am getting more comfortable with the process and it's easier to turn people away when I know they will not fit with our department. I passed three onto Decision Makers. Mike passed the first one onto the PDI, Eric (dork!) rejected my 2nd and I left before #3 got to the DM. If 2 of the 3 are hired I'll be happy. I think all three would have been good, but the 1st and last ones were my favorites.

I went downstairs to grab my stuff and Pam followed shortly after. We talked for a little while and I was laughing about the spacing out my probation. She said he may have told me today, but she figured it was over the day he started giving me more stuff to do. I told her that my first candidate I passed on Mike was the DM and was so glad he passed through. Pam said Mike trusts my judgement and thinks very highly of me.

Don't ask me why I'm stunned...but I am!

Who Knew??

The circus is over and aside from a few rookie mistakes...it was a good first experience for me.  I should do better with this round of events in the nex week.  I hope so!

Towards the end of the run I got sick.  The last couple days of the circus were not fun.  Sunday was a killer.  I felt awful and was glad I was working on somethng else that day and not the circus itself.

I never intended to stop eating.  I was feeling icky last Monday and had dinner.  I couldn't taste it a all.  So, I just stopped.  I wasn't hungry anyway and I guess I figured there was no point if I couldn't taste the food.  I do know how lame that is and also saw it getting out of hand in a few short days.  I mean I ignored "Cookie Day" at work!  C-O-O-K-I-E Day!  I had allowed myself a cookie each Wednesday for a few weeks...during the circus more than one!  I justified it because I was going from one end of the arena to the other, up and down stairs, etc.  Plus I just wanted to!

By last Thursday I had nothing but sugar free iced coffee and water...a a bottle of G2.  I emailed Toni so she knew what she would be dealing with last Friday.  I wanted salad.  She woudn't let me.  I had to get pizza.  I bought a piece of cheese pizza and tore the crust and ate it.  I took one bite of the pizza itself and it tasted like a mouth full of fat!  The good that came out of our time is she got to see the struggle and we were able to talk through all of it.  I didn't eat the pizza, but it was such a good thing to talk through what was going through my head why trying to eat, play with and otherwise ignore the pizza.

Saturday I started allowing myself to have 1/2 cups of chili 1-2 times a day and a couple pieces of chicken here and there.  My mother took matters into her own hands (though she thinks I am eating more than I am) and we had Mc D's for dinner last night.  UGH!  I wanted the chili...basically she pulled the if I don't eat what she wants she just won't eat herself.  ^%^&%$###!!!

I don't want to eat.  I know I have to.  I know there are a lot of reasons (irrational reasons...but reasons just the same) besides not being hungry that has brought this on, but I haven't been able to work around those reasons to allow myself to eat.  At least I know they are irrational.  At least I see Rob tomorrow.  

As Toni and I talked I also realized I had been cutting back again and just didn't realize it.  The things I usualy eat at work I didn't bother with eating.  I never stopped to eat period.  I'd down a Boost puding when I got there and that would be it.  I just hadn't thought much about it.

I dug myself out of the hole I was in after the YS contest fairly well.  But I am guessing not far enough if I could spiral back this easily. 

Join the Circus Like You Wanted to, When You Were a Kid...

The circus opens tonight at the HP! The last two days I have been walking from the employee entrance to the offices so I have to walk through the Zamboni vom area and have been able to see props, etc. for this year's show. I may not get to see much, but I am sooooooooo excited! I think it is going to be a lot of fun for those who will be there as guests.

It is going to be strange to not usher at any of the shows. It is strange when I don't usher at all! The last time I donned my blue coat was for Coldplay. Chances are, the only time I will next month is for the gymnastics tour where they have put me in the Event Office. Sigh... I really wanted to be a "normal" usher doing a "normal" job. I mean it IS a normal job...but not like an aisle, the doors, etc.

Last year someone said to me they wished at times we could just be "normal" ushers again. I told her that time for us passed quickly and it will never be the same for us again. It has been very true...even more so for me right now. And, while I do miss just hanging out with the other ushers, I love what I am doing. I don't care if it's the "definition of entry level." I think it something I can be really good at doing, but some of that does mean being a "plain 'ol usher." Before I left yesterday I was taking to Janice (a sup who also does scheduling) about loving what I do and that part of what helps me in positioning is being with ushers, working with ushers and hearing the sups in the Event Office talking about ushers. The more I am dressed in normal business stuff, the less I will know and be able to see who would do well where.

I was telling Rob that I am so afraid I am going to blow this. Enjoying it, thinking I can be good at it, etc. is a figment of my imaginiation and that it won't last because I am me. The word "deserves" comes into it a lot. He says I have the opposite problems of some. While there are those who think they deserve evrything and have a huge sense of entitlement I am the opposite. I don't think I deserve anything good and am entitled to nothing!

I'll get to the HP today and hit the ground running to get everything on our end ready. I cannot wait for the doors to open and watch the kids as they come in the doors and see what Barnum * Bailey Ringlinf Bros. has in store for them!

I'm #4!!!!!

That title sounds extremely funny to my ears! With all the Olympic hoopla and the wanting to be #1 (and yes, I get why) the fact that I am #4 and thrilled with it just makes me giggle.

I was at the HP yesterday and we were in a meeting to talk about some special event circus stuff as well as an upcoming disaster drill. Mike was letting me and Pam know who he is thinking of inviting to staff the drill. he said he wanted the high performing ushers and whipped out "The List."

Now, because I work in the Event Office as an usher for events, I learned about "The List" last year. Not sure where I fell, not sure who rated me what...but I knew it existed.

Mike pulls it out and tells me it's the usher ratings. Then he tells me not to worry I scored very high. Believe me, I wasn't worried. I was curious where I ranked, but not worried. Let's face it, no matter how high I scored this year, with my office work and lack of ushering shifts, my score is bound to go down next year!

He checks the list and tells me that I am #4. Out of 200+ ushers I am #4. Wow.

In theory I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. I know what I try to do when I am there and yet I am still surprised. Happy about it, but surprised. Then I try to over analyze my motives. WHY have I worked hard? Why this, why that, why "whatever." I try not to do that too much because it can and will drive me bonkers!

I am trying to focus on the fact I LOVE being an usher, I love the people (most of them...probably 95% of them) I work with, I love most of the guests that come through our doors, etc. Since I "love" so much about what I do there it stands to reason that my rating would be what it is for this year. But since when does "reason" do well in my head?

The "voice" is there reminding me I don't deserve to be rated so high, that I just fake all this to get a high rating, that I did it by kissing up to the sups (OK...that one I can actually refute easily), etc. Rob always says don't fight it, just it it play out, etc. Easier said than done. Well, in a few hours we'll have an hour to talk about it!

Normal...Friday was "Normal"

I have to admit that while Rob was on vacation I didn't do a whole lot of pondering about anything we have been talking about. Not sure how much of it was a conscience decision to put all that aside while he was in Mexico. Before he left I sent him a couple emails and that was it until the "highlight" email I sent him on Sunday.

When I had my cutting slip June 2007 Rob called me on the word "slip." I didn't do it on accident...it was a choice so how could it be a slip? That's the terminology I have been using for YEARS and at one point I did tell him I could have stopped, I could have called him...but I chose not to...I get the personal responsibility thing. Ever since then I try not to use the word "slip." I don't remember what we were talking about that last session, but I was talking about the fact I am heading toward 4 years of no purging and except for the one blip...no cutting. HE used the word slip and we kind of got into it because he was so against that word. I emailed him to apologize for they way I reacted.

ANYWAY...I just didn't kind of let it all go. Not that things didn't pop up in my head, but I just tried to follow my goal from Toni (intuitive eating stuff...sorry...Boost pudding is breakfast) and ignore everything else.

Got invited to the Supervisors outing to the San Jose Giants game last Friday. I was surprised. I am not a supervisor, I am a lowly positioning assistant. But Mike invited me, Yvette and Patrick anyway. I took my grandpa with me and off we went to watch the Giants play the Modesto Nuts!

I still don't do well with food and large groups. It makes me nervous, I never know what I should eat, etc. Even when it is people I am fairly comfortable with I have a hard time. So, I looked at my dinner ticket over and over and the three options and chose the chicken. A good choice on many levels. We got out dinners, I went over and got our beer and went and sat with a bunch of people. It was refreshing that NO ONE cared! I should say that for the first time in a long time it dawned on me that NO ONE cared! No one cared what my choice of sides were, no one cared I couldn't finish it all (it was a lot of chicken and I purposely didn't eat a lot that day...oh wait...I usually do that!) and no one cared that I had a churro and a few cookies later!

Karen's (she's a sup) husband didn't want to do musical chairs. Somehow I got talked into it. It was me, Yvette, Shawn's (he's a sup) wife and Mike. I am not sure why I gave in so easily, but I did and played. I thought for sure I'd get out first! It came down to Mike and I. He won. Grrrr... It was so much fun and I didn't really think how stupid I probably looked.

Actually:




I came home from that night just feeling so "normal" for the first time in months. I dawned on me after that the whole week had felt fairly "normal."

I swam...in the ocean...at the beach...I cannot tell you the last time I did that. I wasn't 100% self-conscious about it either. I was with the junior highers and it was fun! We called Paul a wimp ("I am secure in my "wimpiness"), made him come in sans wet suit, we ate ice cream and sang all the way home.

There is a one problem with "normal." I can DO normal. I can push all the other stuff aside and be "normal" and it will last. In fact, it can last a long time and I can forget everything that is under the surface until something happens and blows "normal" to pieces. I won't truly be able to do "normal" until the under the surface stuff keeps getting talked about. There are times though, that the stuff that lurks seems scarier to deal with than the promise of normal.

Geesh...Sorry!

Not sure what I am sorry for. Not sure if anyone even look at this...but I cannot believe that I haven't posted in over a month!

Boost Update: Toni gave me the sad news that she considers Boost a SNACK and not a meal. This is not a happy thing. In fact, it's been a meal. It pretty much becomes breakfast. It's 240 calories. That is NOT a snack! But, it's also 240 calories I would not have otherwise so if I want it to be breakfast it is going to breakfast!

Job Update: LOVE, LOVE, LOVE what I am doing at the HP. Yes, it is very much as advertised (the definition of entry level), but I am having a lot of fun. I need to learn excel quickly! I think part of the "love" comes from the fact that it is totally different than what I do at church and change is not bad. Plus, it gave me an excuse to go shopping! Now I need to go show shopping!

Everything Else: It's going. Had a smaller but very fun VBS in July. The Power Lab theme rocked! It was so much fun! My volunteers were great and the parent feedback was amazing! The theme and stories really clicked with the kids this year more so than the last few years. Those have been good years as well...but this one just had an extra "something."

Doing stuff with JH and we've had a good summer. There are only 7 JHers now and so that makes it hard because youth group has been 2-3 kids...but I enjoy the time with them no matter what. This week we have Gilroy Gardens and the beach.

We had to put one of the cats to sleep last Tuesday. Poor Missy. She was one sick little kitty at the end. Mom had her since she was only 3-4 weeks old and bottle fed her and everything.

Rob and his family were in Cancun for vacation last week so I had 10 days to myself! I missed him a lot and it was so good to see him yesterday. Not that I always "need" him, but I like the fact he is around and that I can email/call him. It was a good 10 days but an eventful 10 days and I wish he would have been around! But, I think this is probably the best I have done with him gone. I emailed him once to give him the highlights to save time yesterday...but that was it.

There's more...I just need tot hink about it!