One Year Ago...

It was almost exactly a year to the hour since I boarded the plane to Sky Harbor in AZ. If I knew the exact hour I would be putting out a call for y'all to call the men in the little white coats. I know it's close because of air time and when I got there and had to face my first lunch...ewwwww....luggage search, staff saying, "Hi, Deneice. How are you doing?" Ummmm....well...I am back at Remuda after almost three years...what do you think? Although, at the time, it was very comforting that there was therapy staff who remembered my name. It was shocking that the MHTs that were still there remembered me. See, the last time I had been at Remuda LIFE I sailed through. I went to the MHT office for meds, to sign in and out and to meet there for outings. I think I knew 1 or 2 names...so the fact that the 1/2 dozen still employed knew me was shocking.

I am not quite sure what I am feeling about today. Part of me just wants to ignore what is going on inside and remember that it is just a day on the calendar like any other. Part of me wants to go hide and think over the 60 days I was there and if it did any good at all and think about the good times I did manage to have...my friendship with Keeley, the ados I came to know and love (and the fact staff let me even though it was against the rules)...and getting to know Allison and my final night there in June...it was so relaxing and I thought I was so ready to come home.

But the thing is, I so need to concentrate on what is going on right now. FOOD sucks right now. I read my food journal and I sat there and watched Toni read through it. She is so funny. She told me she is more concerned with frequency then quantity of food right now...that if she gets me eating more than once a day (even if it is a healthy meal) than it will be easier for me to add quantity than frequency. In fact she told me, "I know your anorexic mind is going to want to compensate and that's OK for now." So, I keep thinking...if I have a Boost than I can cut out carbs at dinner and come close to the calories...OR I can drink a 1/2 can of Boost and still cut out carbs. This is going to be a long process.

I am not going to mention the date to Rob, though I know he is aware, because we need to pick up where we left off on Monday...and dig through the "performing monkey" garbage. If it pops out...so be it...but it isn't that important. I wish I could get in a time machine and do it all over because I made some major faux pas while I was there...but I went...I came home and I can't do it over.

So, as I listen to my favorite radio station from L.A. on the Internet...I am going to distract myself! :)