So I Sit...

...and I ponder. One of Rob's favorite words.

He asked me a great question yesterday. Did PYT do anything to help me figure out if youth is what I still want to do. I had actualy been thinking about that. As I told him, I think it did but not in the way I expected. I was hoping/praying for one of those lightning bolt moments and I think God was a lot more quiet this time around.

I mean, when I first knew that Youth Ministry was where God wanted me...it was a "boot to the head" type moment. When I was on my knees giving the whole paid/volunteer issue to Him SEVEN years ago (ack!) each night after the campers were in bed...I felt peace about that and got a HUGE answer a few months later.

This time...I think it has been subtle. Truth be told, up until Triennium I had pretty much lost ALL confidence in my abilities in Youth Ministry. Heck, after the latest developments here before I left for Indiana...I was questioning my abilities for ministry period. Anyway, the afternoon of my first small group I was a wreck. I arrived in the room way early to try and make it all "perfect."

The first kid walked in, God was there and at the end of the 90 minutes I was really excited about it all. I remember thinking, "Okay, I still got it. I still connect, they seem to like me, they don't think I am a dork [I hope] and they came up with GREAT stuff for their Covenant." I think it was the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that what I feel is my strongest point in ministry (relational stuff) was intact was the confirmation I was praying for.

Is it that easy? I dunno. I don't want to overanalyze it. I don't want to discount my experience either.

I wish that means I am ready to jump in to the job pool again. I'm not. I don't want to move again...not yet. I have been back in CA for almost two years and I am not ready for another move. I am not healthy enough...yet. I mean physically I am...but the other stuff...I fight myself with every bite I put in my mouth, the ED thoughts are ever present and well...why that stuff will go on for awhile...I need to be on better footing before I go off anyplace again.

SIGH...

The good news? ROB is back and after SIXTEEN LOOOOOONNNNGGGGG days...I gotto seehim!

The bad news? After sixteen loooooooonnnnggggg days and a great trip...reality came back quickly and I am very unsettled right now.

He asked great questions and need to think on them some more. I wish I could see him every day this week. Three more session and I am off to the OC for a week and no sessions. Kinda scary! SO much to get into between now and then!

The "End"

Last Saturday we had to take all our extra supplies and put them downstairs in the three boxes. HA! You really can't tell here...but the boxes were buried AND the mountain was bigger until some fine and upstanding Hometown leaders decided to help out and have stuff sorted! Cannot believe that a week ago I was in the lobby of Young...having ditched worship because my knee was screaming in pain from the minute I woke up...getting ready to leave. It seems almost surreal.

The Aftermath Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Category III - The Regular
Jo(e)

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Sabbath...

A week ago we had "sleep in day." It was a chance to recharge and relax. It was the opportunity to go to the Spirituality Center and NOT rush through all they had to offer. It was a chance to go downtown and but Purdue clothing items, escape the dining halls and the PMU and a chance to cultivate friendships. I had a hard time sleeping in. I got up, went to breakfast a little later than usual and went to the Spirituality Center. It was really corwded and some people didn't realize that you need to let others pass on the Labryinth and I was more frustrated than anything. So, I left and went shopping. I ran into "E" on my way to Purdue West and he tld me he slept until likr 10:00 AM! Awesome! I took the Trolley to Chauncey Hill Mall and had lunch at The Parthenon...a little Greek place that I missed and was looking forward to revisiting. Yeah...a meal I was actually looking forward to! Go figure! I then took the Trolley to downtown Lafayette (not that you have a choice) and ran into "D" and her friends. Some were from her Prsebytery and some were not...and she looks really happy! Something I had been worrying about all week. But, as I got to know her and reading her livejournal since coming home, I get it. God did awesome things for her at PYT and she KNOWS it! It was a neat day to see "my kids"outside our small group and have time to have "real" conversations with one another. It was a day to revisit the place where there was so much lonliness and pain and see the good of that year and that there is stuff I miss. I kept saying that this trip was either going to be very healing or send me over the edge. I am firmly a few steps from the edge! I was glad to be back an visit and while I don't think I could ever live back there again...I love the fact I now have many, many happy memories of the "greater Lafayette area."

Us? Off Campus? Originally uploaded by Deneice.

My Mother is Driving Me BATTY!!!

I know...like this is revelation...but last night/afternoon I had it.

Had taken out turkey burgers to thaw...for the record they have 170 calories and 8 grams of fat.

I grilled them. I was eating one and my mom goes into the kitchen and takes the nutritional info out of the trash and reads it. Let us bear in mind that she has no clue what any of it means which means she should just shut up or take time to learn. Anyway, like any of that mattered. So, I am a little over 1/2 way done with it (and yes...it was the only thing I had eaten to this point in the day) and she tells me,”There sure is a lot of fat in these.” I tried to ignore it...I tried to keep eating...but I couldn’t. I got up and threw the rest of the burger away. I think she got the point...not that I tossed it because of that...there was just no way I could finish it after that. “I’m not saying this for you...I am saying it for me because of all the junk I eat.” Yeah...that is why she keeps accusing me of eating junk and asking me if Toni tells me to stop eating all the junk I have been eating.

I think I did as well as I did eating at Triennium because she wasn’t around to make stupid comments plus the fact that we walked about 6-10 miles a day.

Anyway, I didn’t handle it well last night and I cut before I went to bed. Part of me doesn’t care. I kept trying to remind myself that she has no clue what she is talking about...that after not eating all day that a turkey burger (on a bun) was not going to kill me and there was nothing abnormal about it...but that didn’t work. I DID make some popcorn later...but that probably made it worse and I would have been better off not eating anything else.

Goals...

The final thing we did was take ribbon and create a "web" stating what we were going to take with us from PYT. It was neat moment and all took it seriously. I have the ribbon in my still yet to be unpacked suitcase and will hang it in my office.

What I Will Take with Me... Originally uploaded by Deneice.

I Love These Guys!

I loved my whole group, but this was what I expected from them and would have been shocked had it been more "normal."

Broken People Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Another One!

Brokenness Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Broken People

As we talked about brokenness, each neighborhood made a "person" representing brokenness.

One Neighborhood Done! Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Hmmm...

Big Five Test Results

Extroversion (64%) moderately high which suggests you are talkative, optimistic, sociable and affectionate but possibly not very internally grounded. Friendliness (82%) high which suggests you are very good natured, trusting, and helpful but possibly too agreeable Orderliness (84%) very high which suggests you are extremely organized, reliable, neat, and ambitious but probably not very spontaneous and fun. Emotional Stability (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous. Openmindedness (68%) moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

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I Did It!

It has been about two years since I have had a KK (yeah...like I "needed" the one I had) and I did it with friends! Not sure when I will do it again...but it was hot off the conveyer belt and I even enjoyed the darn thing! My dietitian was thrilled!

First KK in Two years! Originally uploaded by Deneice.

My Small Group

This was my small group at Triennium! They were awesome and I miss them already!

Hometown 72! Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Home!

Got home from PYT lst night...will post tomorrow.

It was a great week, though and Indiana proved healing and did NOT snd me over the edge!

So...

I got back a little bit ago. I am glad that Rob made time for me today, but my head is still spinning with all of this.

But, I also kept quiet about some of the other stuff. Heck..maybe I'm not depressed...maybe it is simply sleep deprivation because I am not feeling quite as "I wanna jump off a bridge" since I got 6 hours of sleep last night AND ate breakfast AND haven't cut since Thursday night. Sleep does wonders. But, there are "those thoughts" lingering in the back of my mind...a bit stronger than normal (for me) and it could be because of a million reason other than a depressive episode.

Last night I tried on the Dorothy dress. I like it. I look like an elephant in a Dorothy dress...but it'll do. I am looking forward to next week...at this point I just want to get there, get out of God's way and let Him do what He needs to do in my group!

Thinking...Thinking...I am SICK of it!

I am trying to get myself all prepped and ready for tomorrow. I need to start packing, but that can wait until after I see Rob.

What I am thinking about is how to approach the "buy into it" issue. I think it is more of I have BOUGHT into it all and it isn't a matter of continuing to buy into it...but trying get it through my thick head that there has got to be a "truth" other than what I have grown up with and I find that very difficult.

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Lions, Tigers and Bears...

I got my Dorothy costume! I am so happy. I was really worried that it wasn't going to get here in time. I was tracking it...but I was worried all the same.

I leave day after tomorrow and tomorrow I am having a third session with Rob. While I didn't say most of what I wanted to tell him...things were a little intense. I was actually in tears...which I HATED with a passion...but I words were stuck and there was so much going on in my head and I couldn't get it to come out of my mouth. Anyway, I had to go to the library to take books back and get a couple more for the trip and had all this "stuff" in my head. So, I reserved a computer and sent him an email. Honestly, I can't remember everything it said.

For one thing, I went off on a zillion tangents about wanting to tell him so much and being so afraid and I apologized for crying and I also told him that him telling me that everyone feels "XXXXX" is not helping. I got home and regretted sending it because we were not going to have the time to talk about any of it. So, I called him and asked him to please just delete it and we'd talk when he got back from vacation. Either he checked his email before he got my call or ignored it because he sent me this:

"Let me know if you'd like to meet sometime Sat - I'm pretty sure you said
you're leaving Sun - I'm gone all day tomorrow at a workshop, but would be
very open to meeting Sat - lemme know!! I'm glad for what you expressed - I
didn't and probably won't go to your blog - I accept you more than you
realize, and I'm sure you know it's more about your own personal rejection -
I'm also glad you can tell me when it doesn't feel like it's working - we
need to work better together w/ all this - finally, you can't boil it down to
"I'm right and you're wrong" - it's more complicated than this - if Sat
doesn't work, take good care and I'll look forward to Aug!!"

So, I am going in tomorrow at 11 so we can work through some of this. I think that all this has been building the past couple weeks and yesterday I was just in this place where if we would have had another hour I would have been sitting there crying for most of it. When I was finally able to tell him the stuff about I don' think I am buying into anything...that it doesn't feel like there is a choice even though I know there is one I felt really dumb because I struggled so much telling him that. And, he is right...it is more about my own personal rejection...but I have this weird view of authority/power...thus the he's right and I am wrong thing.


We did a Saturday back in October and those seem more relaxed and I am praying that tomorrow will be no exception. I just want to make sure we are in OK place before I leave and he leaves for vacation the next week.

So...

My mom bought and elliptical machine the other day. It won't be delivered until next week...but when I get back from Indiana it will be there. Toni is a bit surprised that my mom would do this. My mom does not need to lose weight in any way, shape or form and if anything she should be doing light weight bearing stuff. With all the smoking she does...if she can do a steady half hour I will be amazed. Toni asked me where it was going. I told her the living room and she was not happy about that either. You'd better believe that I am not going to let it just sit there at night when I can watch "Amazing Race" and do cardio at the same time.

It still amazes me my mom can do stuff like this and continue to make comments about food (without knowing why...she hears stuff on the news and at work and follows along). She doesn't get the whole low carb thing and brings home low carb stuff anyway, she doesn't get what does or does not constitute a low fat item and yet she looks at the labels. I am so tired of trying to explain it to her. Allshe knows is that she wants a calorie counter on the elliptical and yet she has NO idea what a calorie is or does or how many calories it takes to equal one pound.

I am glad I won't be there the day it arrives because I really don't want to deal with it yet. My head is at war with itself. Not sure which side is going to win...

I Dunno...

I think all ofthis is literally making my head spin. I was so dizzy last night...it was weird. I did eat...I certainly did not purge nor overexert myself (I have a hard time exerting myself these days) so I am guessing with emotional overload.

However, as much as I wanted to cut to experience the physical pain rather than the emotional pain, I didn't do it. I watched "I Love the 90s" and fell asleep before I could do it. I picked the blades up and but them down...for one night at any rate.

I want to be a chicken and write everything down I want to say to Rob and email it before I leave because I won't see him for two weeks. But, while I AM a huge coward, I will not do a hit and run. I respect him and trust him too much for that.

I would love to tell him I am cutting
I would love to tell him that I think I am in another depressive episode
I would tell him why he will never see me cry because every time I do talk about something he said as I interpreted it...I am always wrong and things are great. However, I really think this time if that happened I'd be a bawling mess on the floor and he'd just sit there like he always does.

The really, reallty dumb thing is there is no GOOD reason NOT to sit down on Thursday and tell him all this. I NEED to do it and a few other things as well...but I am in such a place right now where I fear rejection so much that I am unwilling to chance it...even knowing our history and knowing that I will not be rejected.

He's not going to be thrilled with all of it...although I do take a bit of sick pleasure that I can lie about the cutting 2x a week...but he won't reject me, he willbe happy I finally decided to tell him all this and things will be that much better.

He keeps telling me I am buying into all my family has told me growing up. What I can't seem to get through to him is that it does not feel like a choice...after 30+ years of verbal abuse it's not a choice...it's who I am at my core. I DO get that as lights go on that the feelings will be there, but right now I just want to know that he gets that it's notme buying into anything...it's how I have been "programmed" from a young age and quite frankly him telling me we all feel stupid, ungrateful, shallow, etc. is NOT helping. I feel like a bigger freak because I feel that way about myself all the time and I guess...I dunno.

Ummmm....

There is so much I want to say to Rob and feel frozen.

My world no longer works for me and I get that. But I feel like we are going at light speed to change stuff and I really can't handle it.

I think the hardest part is that I do not have the support I had four years ago when I began the process (which I prematurely ran from). I should say I don't have the real time support. That is soooo hard.

Ooops I Did it Again!

Okay...actually I did nothing...my body did. It dawned on me last night that I have found myself in themidst of a major depressive episode...thankfully this one doesn't seem too bad. Okay, the cuttingand sleeping may not be GREAT...but I have been worse. Now I just pray that I can do all I need to so I don't sink more.

I guess I should mention this fact to Rob. But then I would have to tell him I have been cutting. That isn't going to happen.

Update...

Toni will be in town and so I will see her during my normal "Rob Time" on the 26th. She tells me "You'll be fine. You are doing so well." Augh...I told her that was debatable but left it at that. If I tell her about the SI she'll have to tell Rob unless I do and quite frankly...I don't WANT to tell him. I'm not in the mood to dissect it, I really don't want to hear how if I do this and then NOT talk about it he won't see me, etc.

Yesterday was really hard. He just didn't get how the news of yesterday shook me to the core. He said I was avoiding just like I did on Monday. Then he left it to me to pick up wherever or to keep avoiding. Fine. I picked up right where we left off last Thursday throwing in the stuff from Monday that wasn't "fluff." I'm still not getting it which is frustrating to me and I hate that I feel I can't cry in there. I know I need to talk to him about that as well...but don't think I can do THAT without bawling.

Eventually, I know I am going to have to tell Rob the truth...but I am in NO hurry.

Sigh...

I leave in 9 days and I am so incredibly unfocused it's not even funny. My mind is pulled in a million directions and yesterday was a day of "shock and awe." And not in a good way.

Spoke to one of my mentors on the phone and got a shock about his marriage. My heart breaks for the situation and for him and the boys and even her...cuz something has got to be going on... Their family has always been such a place of safety for me...I think back to times I have spent with the family and am truly shocked. Yet, after they began moving and I did too...I missed a lot because I wasn't there spending the night and hanging at the house.

It turns out Rob's vacation starts just before I get back from Triennium. This means two weeks (well...18 days) of no contact at all. Heck...even when I was IP we had phone sessionsmy first month and thenI'dstill call or email to touch base and if he needed to he called me back and stuff. Ijust emailed my dietitian becauseif she is gone that week as well...ack!

OOOOOOOOOOOK....

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M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!

I got the OK for Anna's wedding and got right on priceline.com. I got a rate of $40 a night for 6 nights and am really happy about that! I am staying at the Radisson Hotel Maingate in Anaheim. I am pretty familiar with all the hotels and wish that I had actually ended up in Irvine or the Travelodge I stayed at 18 months ago because it has a fridge.

Now, I need to start putting $$ away for the trip. Gas, FOOD(ick), parking, Disneyland tix, etc. Again, the GREAT thing about living in So Cal for so long is I know where I can go to eat cheap and I really like being a block from D-land. Very cool. Luckily, I put in major hours because of VHT so I can oput away some of next week's paycheck and since I leave for Triennium shortly after pay day...that is a week of $$ I won't be spending...much anyway.

Now I have to try to fit everything & everyone in. I am set with Dr. D and getting adjustments either from him or Dr. H and Anna's wedding...but after that I need to try and figure all this out!

I Am Such a Liar...

The scary thing is…I think Rob knows I’m lying. He used the same “line” on me as he did a few months ago when I neglected to tell him about the purging. Paraphrased, “With everything going on it’s amazing you haven’t given in to the urges.” To which I answered, “Not that I haven’t been tempted…but the opportunity hasn’t been there.” I am not purging…but am engaging on other behaviors other than the usual restricting.

I know it is a response to what is going on in therapy right now. I know I am punishing myself for acts of “betrayal” of my family, for having problems getting my head around what we have been talking about and not being able to grasp it, for eating, for not eating for not going to the Y everyday, etc.

Rob does not expect me to listen to him tell me that I have bought into all my family has told me over the years and realize that it’s not truth and have it all be over because HE says it is all lies…but it feels like he does. That is really stupid because Rob has TOLD me he knows it’s not that easy and that he doesn’t expect me to change just because he says it’s lies…but I walked out of there on Thursday feeling like a total dummy. The thing is…how does he KNOW that any of that stuff is truly lies? How can he be so sure my family is wrong about me?

The fact I played “Avoidy Girl” didn’t help matters and I realize that. I just did not feel like feeling any more stupid than I already do over this whole thing and couldn’t dive back into all this today. I don’t think he was very happy about it and I did switch gears and try…but my head wasn’t there.

Eventually I am going to have to tell him what is going on…but I need to do it in my time.

Freedom from Pizza!!!

Thank God!

I know this sounds petty and awful and silly...but I was DREADING having to have to eat pizza today...I was trying to figure out how to get out of it. I sat in church and prayed for God to get me through today.

I get home from church. My mom asks me if I got her message. Nope! She told me that my grandpa (I LOVE that man) decided to make burgers and I'd grill them here to take to their house (they live like a mile from here). Yee haw!

Food in general isn't high on my list...but at least I know I can get through today without trying to find a way to excuse myself because there was no way "Frank's Fiasco (the pizza we always get) was going to stay in my body!

Woo Hoo!

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Control...

This week has been hard...I am fighting my dietitan for no good reason and I need to call her and tell her that I am blowing it big time...today is one of those days that I really don't care. But, I also think it has a lot to do with what is going on in therapy right now and turning to major restriction and overexercising on no food is my reaction to it.

I am freaked because my grandpa is making his awesome potato salad on Sunday and I think we are supposed to get a Giorgio's pizza as well...ANDhe is getting an apple pie.

Tonight I am meeting my friend Kim for dinner and a movie (going to see "The Stepford Wives") at Oakridge (the names ar for Charlie's benefit) and I think I can handle the Mongolian BBQ place and not freak...load up on veggies and save calories for popcorn!

This so such a control thing. Things in therapy are really intense and out of "control" and so I must take control in the one area I "can."

Sigh...

Can I just go to sleep and never wake up? Please???

Over Exercise My Foot...

...my arms, my abs, my legs...

So, I now belong to the YMCA and I love it! Much better than the icky gym I joined because it weas cheap and then didn't go because it was always crowded and way too small for the "crowds," but it was because of the cheap membership.

I am doing this 12 week program that I THOUGHT was going to be more supervised...but it's not. When it comes to strength training...I don't go over my sets and reps. Cardio on the other hand... Cardio on an empty stomach... Almost an hour of cardio per session... Toni was not extactly a happy camper. I kept telling her yesterday...after burning off almost 600 calories on the elliptical machine...WHY would I want to eat???

So, we spent some time negotiating how long I can be on the em. She is allowing 45 minutes 3 days a week...but if I don't eat three times (not full meals..."eating episodes") then we have to talk about me doing any cardio. I told her that it's NOT a critical point and goodness knows I need to lose the weight (I really and truly do...I HATE PCOS with a passion because losing is so ^$^&%# hard!). I left out the weight part though. I feel so hemmed in and all I want to do is rebel because I KNOW that I can work up to 5 days a week and be OK. I also realize in this fairly sane moment that I amjust switching the mode in which my ED works. I mean, overexercising IS a problem for me once I get going in a program...but I see that I am more than willing to switch out not eating for 75 minutes on the em.

The one thing I need to look at is that my body is pretty much functioning correctly. My metbaolism is as slow as anything (14 1/2 years of ED among other things will do that)...but I exercise and I get hungry. I have a morning "eating episode" (Boost) and I get hungry a few hours later as I revved up the metbaolism by eating...and I HATE IT!!! I hate feeling hungry and I hate that I have to eat and I hate that it takes me forever to decide what to eat and how to get all the elements of my meal plan in.

I had popcorn at like 10 PM last night. It is 8:30 AM now and I am sooo hungry! HELLO...I just ate 10 1/2 hours ago...

I still need to do the writing assignment for Rob.

It was 4 years ago today that I entered Remuda the first time. Wow!

The Assignment...

So, we talked about the "In-n-Out" incident yesterday and why my mom's reaction hurt me so much. I ended up popping out with "I can never make my mother happy no matter how much I try." Whoa! Not sure if I EVER, EVER, EVER have said that out loud to anyone. It took a good 5 minutes or so to finally say it to Rob. This lead into the comments my grandmother made to me growing up about my mom never being happy as long as I was around and that no man would ever want to marry her as long as she had meso I should go live with her and my grandfather. Couple THAT statement with the fact my mom never did remarry and my feelings of being a total mistake (accident/unplanned/parents had to get married...however you want to put it) and I was on the train to Disassociation-ville.

I guess...well...I KNOW I thought I had come back because we talked...I answered questions...I told him I was present and he gave me an assignment...but as I left and then was processing through it all later, I realized I forgot everything past a certain point. It's kinda scary. Usually he'll get me grounded again or I will do it myself and I'm OK...but it's weird to have lost about 1/4 of the session.

Anyway, I called Rob last night to tell him all this and to get the assignment. He wants me to look at the statements I made and write about them...how they have turned into beliefs I hold about myself, what that has done to me and ask how true can any if it be...ot something like that. I need to look at it again.

The one thing I remember from the beginning fo the session was Rob saying that I am trying to pay back a debt that I cannot repay and that no one can. That we do not have the ability to make a person happy. I get what he means...sorta. I mean I know that (or maybe not) I can't be the be all for my mom's happiness...but I guess I try to make her happy because I exist.

Honestly, my mind is having trouble grasping this stuff. I also feel as if I have this sheltered little world what may not always keep me a happy camper...but I can count on and keeps me "in my place" and Rob is trying to tear me out of that and shatter that world. It terrifies me like you couldn't believe.

I Am so Ashamed...

VBT is over and they did a great job...I mean they had 5 days to learn this whole show and the performance was only the third FULL run through they did!

Not that I expect any big thnak yous or anything...but my SP asked me if I had ANYTHING to do with it!!!! Ummm...all the PR, registration, bills, running lines, helping to cast, doing the oprnings each morning, doing whatever I saw needed to be done before Peter could ask, talking to parents PLUS my regular job but no...I had NOTHING to do with it!

Actually, I had one parent come up and thank me. Our director got all the other helpers (female adults and teens) a really pretty carnation corsage...and I was left out. I know I shouldn't let it get to me...but I was here on my day off, I was here on time when he was late and got staff together. I know...I know...this is my JOB...but it still hurt to see everyone else get acknowledged.

This would be a "human moment" as Rob would say and probably will if I tell him about this tomorrow. I think I "should" be beyond feeling like this. HELLO...we all knowwe are so not in ministry for fame nor money so I don't think I "should" feel like this. Blech!

It's Showtime!

Well...almost. The kids get here for a run through at 6 and the play is at 7:30 PM. The church is a mess. I need to go down and get some cleaning done because it needs to look 1/2 way decent for church tomorrow. I think Peter forgot about that.

I don't know why I continue to try with my mother...except she IS my mother. After seeing Rob on Thursday, I went and paid off my car insurance (no bill until August!) and decided to "give in" to a craving for an In-n-Out burger. The last time I had one andkept it down...hmmm...over two years. Anyway, I decided to get one for my mom as well. She actualy got mad because it was 3 PM snd she hadn't counted on eating then. HELLO! She goes to bed a FIVE because she get up at TWO AM...she ALWWAYS eats between 3-4.

I really, really, really wanted to cut. After she went to bed I was able to call Rob and tell him I really wanted to. I called him and hour later and told him that I was giving it one more hour and then I was leaving to buy stuff. The hour came and off I went. I stopped by Starbucks as well and came home. I took the puppy with me and so he wanted to play outside. Fine...I could SI later.

A little later I put the puppy in his crate and went to bed. I "prepared" to finally get down to cutting and he was crying and yelping and didn;t WANT to go to bed. Fine. I out the stuff up and gotup and went into the living ropom, turned the TV back on and put him on the couch with me. An hour later we repeated the earlier scenario and he cried...but stopped after about 20 minutes. It was annoying, but I did manage to distract enough that I did not cut and haven't since.

The one thing that has me a little bugged was that Rob never called me back. I mean, I didn't ask him to...but I thought he would. He will be happy to know that I didn't give in to the urge when
I tell him Monday!

My Mother is an Idiot...

Another very wise person said to me, "...and this is new because....?" This is true...but very rarely I am really, really, REALLY close to sharing that with her. I didn't...oh my gosh no...but it was so there.

We were talking last night and I asked her if she had heard about Mary Kate Olsen. She said she had and then she says that she can't believe iot because the girls has EVERYTHING! Augh! Like $$ and fame is a vaccine against what goes on in one's head! MK has said it very well herself, SATs, college, leaving for college, the business (Dual Star), the movie (which flopped)...I can see exactly why it would happen...it has nothing to do with having "nothing" or "everything." It has EVERYTHING to do with CONTROL.

The odd thing about what my mother said is that my grandmother said that to ME about ME in March. The night she was wasted when we were in Napa she asked me how I could have problems when my family had given me everything.

This one is going to be a kick to process with Rob today!

Day Three...

Yesterday we cast the play and it went easier than we had anticipated. This was a total blessing. We did create a part for one of the kids...but that was it.

It came down to the lead (a boy and girl) and they were evenly matched. So, we asked another parent to come up with a number between 1-10. Sean got the number and we created the role of "Amy" for Gigi and all is well. They are in music right now.

I dunno. I have been trying to really look for things that make me angry and since Monday there really isn't anything. I am either repressing like I have never repressed before or there hasn't been anything. My mother mad some dumb comment (well...a FEW dumb comments)yesterday, but other than that everything has been OK.

Not sure what I am going to tell Rob tomorrow. Then again...why does there have to be something each day that may make me mad? There doesn't. I just don't want him to think I have been ignoring it.

Day Two...

I am exhausted! In a good way...but I needed more sleep. However, Spike came crying/yelping/howling at my door at 3:15 this morning. I let him in my room, put him on my bed...but he was being a pain so we got up and moved to the couch...where he slept like a baby. Silly puppy! Poor Spike has more shots today and it is so sad. He cries for hours because he is in a lot of pian afterward. He is such a small dog and so it really hurts!

Anger remains the topic of each session. I see no reason for it and think it is dumb. That is a problem...I "know" it is a problem but I see anger as such a waste of energy. Rob sees that comment as such a way to repress and minimize anger. I hate the man! Nah! So, between now and Thursday I need to keep track of my anger and to NOT say to myself I am simply "miffed," "irked" or "annoyed." He wants me to say to myself, "I am mad/angry."

In my life anger was violent and I minimize my own anger because I am afraid it will escalate from miffed to rage in .00000000001 seconds! But, I also judge it and then end up cutting or purging because I get mad at myself for being mad at another person. I judge a lot of my feelings and then punish myself and on and on and on.

A very wise person told me yesterday that anger is so basic. I have such a hard time getting my head around it...but I think he is right. I think I also have a problem with it because I expect myself to be perfect. I KNOW...I really, really KNOW I am NOT perfect and in this life will NEVER be...but to raise my voice in anger, to react to something in anger seems so imperfect. Oh yeah...that is incredibly flawed in so many ways, but I hold these other wacko beliefs:

1. I am bad if I an angry
2. Being angry means being out ofcontrol
3. It is MY fault soI have no reason to be angry
4. Nice people don't get angry
5. Bad things happen when people get angry
6. The consequences will be worse if I show my anger

So, we will keep pounding on this and see where it leads!

VBT is HERE....

and I am exhausted! I have to do whatever needs to be done to help it run smoothly AND get my usual work done. There is no time. As it is...I will be working overtime...good for the pocketbook...icky for "life."

Off and Running...

I am working each day between now and next Sunday...I am looking forward to having Monday, June 28th off so I can do NOTHING but go to the YMCA and see Rob!

This going back to the gym thing is scary as heck. The wanting to overdo it is so strong and the not wanting to eat after is even stronger...but I have been able to combat it and do it anyway...with much venting and whining to both Rob and Toni. I don't get to see Toni for another 9 days (ACK) and after 4 weeks of just some emails...a 1/2 hour is not going to be enough time at all. I shoulkd have booked and hour and worried about the $$ later.

I leave for Triennium in 4 weeks and already have some anxiety about not having a session with Rob that week at all. In fact, I probably won't be able to call him or anything that week. In some ways it is kinda cool because I have not have been away from any form of communication with him since I started seeing him. I mean...even when he was on vacation last summer I was able to email him for when he got home. I think I did that once. I don't think I would care as much except I am going to be back in Indiana and that is anxiety prodcuing all by itself. On the other hand...I will have a chance to see how I deal with the anxiety and memories.

Okay...off to do the work my intern didn't do last week!

Hmmmm...Maybe???

You're a Classic Cup 'O' Joe!


What Kind of Coffee are You?
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Another Anniversary Date Coming Up...

On Monday it will be a year since I returned from Remuda LIFE. It seems so strange in some ways. It feels as if it was only yesterday and it feels as if it were a million years ago. I am glad I went and at the same time regret the decision.

In reality, I was NOT ready to go when I did. It was job preservation and in the end I came back to PT work. Had been ready to go I would not have pulled the crap I did when I was there. The last time (almost 4 years ago) I came in and after my "grace meal," pretty much was 100% compliant with food. The first week I had two meals I could not finish...but the rest of the time I ate...even when I struggled through half portions and "gentle eating." By the time I got to LIFE I was used to family style, fairly used to full portions and only spent 4 days on meal support.

Comparing me in 2000 and me in 2003 is pretty silly...but in 2000 I went for the RIGHT reasons and was really on the road to recovery until I moved to IN. Looking back as I prepare to head back to IN for Triennium...it wasn't alll the move. I think dropping my grandfather off at the Indy airport on 9/11 and having him on the next plane to take off from O'Hare and then being stuck on the tarmac for 3 hours and then "stranded" in Chicago for days didn't help. Here is this major traumatic event in the history of our nation and I am all alone in a new state and city...2500 miles away from friends and family. I think I turned to ED behaviors to cope and then the church ending up being a bad fit escalated it. I have been thinking a lot about that and think this trip back to West Lafayette is going to be a good one for me.

I am slowly pulling myself out of the hole I dug after getting back from LIFE last year and I am scared spitless. Do I want to spend the rest of my life starving, purging and overexercising? No. I really don't. But, the disorder...like youth ministry has become such a part of who I am that the thought to be without one or the other scares me to death. I have been out of YM as a profession for over a year and now to let ED go...ack!

But, I also believe that YM is not going to happen for me again until I "divorce" ED and not keep taking "him" back with the promises that never materialize or that come at a high price.

I Should...

staple this to my mother:


Supporting a Loved One in Recovery



It is perfectly normal to feel frustrated, confused, and sad when you love someone who has an eating disorder and you want to help. What feels supportive at one time may not at another. What feels helpful to one person may not to another. Below are some general guidelines that you may want to discuss with the person you are trying to support.

DO NOT:

* Discuss eating habits, weight, food, or appearance. If these topics are brought up, say that you are uncomfortable with the subject and you feel it is not helpful to their recovery. These topics never lead to an "answer" to the eating disorder and they can be construed as judgments or attempts to control.
* Do not talk about body sizes and appearance whether your own or anyone else's. Make no critical comments about your own or any other person's body.
* Do not have emotional conversations during meals which should be a time to relax.
* Do not "check in" about what your loved one is eating/not eating. Encourage outside help with meals through a nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders or a 12-step group such as Overeaters Anonymous. Participate in meetings such as AlAnon as much as possible to get a better understanding of the process of recovery.
* Do not become therapist or physician to your loved one. Not only will it create burnout in you, it won't work.
* Do not judge your loved one's recovery. Eating Disorders are complex, often involving ups and downs that are actually part of recovery. Get support for yourself to talk about your fears.
* Do not try to control your loved one's intake. Your relationship will suffer and it will not work.
* Do not stock the kitchen with your loved one's binge foods or their no-fat diet foods. 


DO:

* Do talk with your loved one about your concerns, letting them know you want to be supportive of recovery. Ask what you can do and recommend professional support.
* Do learn about eating disorders and recovery.
* Do attend AlAnon or CODA, 12-step groups that can help you take care of yourself.
* Do contact professionals for groups/therapy that can help you.
* Do listen, do NOT preach. Your loved one may develop a different way of seeing herself as she goes through recovery. Let her find her own way.
* Do look at your own behaviors and attitudes toward food and your body. As you become honest and get help for yourself, you also help your loved one.
* Do realize that eating disorders are not chosen by those who suffer from them. Try to recognize your anger toward the eating disorder instead of toward the person.

I Don't Wear the Cheese...

Thanks for this Jasper!!


Cheese Test: What type of cheese are you?

Parents...UGH!

Okay...not a whole lot to say. Other than the two parents that are already ON the leadership team...we only had twoothers show up. So, the others think everything is GREAT or they don't care. My guess? A combo of the two!

Parent Meeting Tonight!

I really have no reason to be anxious...but I am. My left shoulder is so tense it hurts. I love the parents of our kids...I really and truly do. I think I am doing an OK job...no one is 100% perfect and i really want the feedback. I should have a lot of confidence because my SP was so OK with me doing this without him here...but I am scared spitless. Literally...I keep drinking water to no avail.

We are going to cast our vision, try and recruit a couple more parents to the leadership team and give them our summer schedule. Sounds great...right? Ack!

I called Rob and rambled to him...but I am not sure if I can get up there and remember anything. Then again...maybe no parents will show up? Wouldn't that be a kick?

Dizzy Sucks...Fuel Rocks!

So says my dietitian. Due to scheduling conflicts I will not see her until June 30th...4 weeks in between sessions...not my idea of fun. I know I can call and email...but it is NOT the same thing. Anyway, she knows me WAY too well and knows that I will take advantage of us not meeting. I had done that (only for about a 24 hour period if that)and gave in and ate because I was a little dizzy. I emailed her and told her and she told me not to forget our goals and the above quote.

Tomorrow I start a 12 week personal fitness thing at the YMCA. I am doing it because I know without it I WILL overexercise and while part of me doesn't care...the other part wants to be able to exercise like a "normal" person and just enjoy the fact I CAN do these things. I started to be OK with that when I left AZ last year...but then it became burn, burn, burn. Having a trainer to meet with 3-4 times over the 12 weeks will be a good thing. It is computerized so she can keep tabs on what I have done...helps me stay accountable.

Thursday came and went without it being a "blow up/Deneice sucks at therapy" session. We may be past that now. Rob is pushing (in a good way) me harder and my biggest problem is taking what happens in our sessions and not letting it fall apart when I get home...my refrain to him is, "BUT it's MY MOM."

He called her a bitch many times on Thursday...he was trying to prove a point...not saying she IS one...but that some of her actions last week she was BEING one at the time. I know better. He is not fond of her. I get what he was saying and how I don't have to live my life by such a rigid set of rules when it comes to her (and a lot of my life) and how it feeds into my "Top 10."

This is where I hate the work...but enjoy the process and where I have had the most growth before...this time I won't be leaving though...maybe I can push through this time.

Get Me Outta Here!

It is too nice a day to be cooped up in my office. As soon as my intern gets here we are going to go get supplies. She's late! :)

Okay...I am 15 minutes early for EVERYTHING...but she is a tiny bit late. Not that I would hold it against her. My goal is to keep her from doing as little scut work as possible...I hope I can do that!

Why Doesn't This Surprise Me??

You're My Little Pony!! Sweet and innocent and
happy, you make people want to spew burrito
chunks. Even a Care Bear could kick your ass.


What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
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Thanks Mykel!

D	Dashing
E	Extreme
N	Nutty
E	Exquisite
I	Industrious
C	Cuddly
E	Excellent

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Quick Hi!

My iBook was at the Apple Store for a repair and I just got it back today. I will update tomorrow.

If you scroll down...Rob let me choose which of the "Top 10" to work on and I chose #9. It has not been fun...it has been hard, he is working on new ways to help me when I disassociate in sessions and I can't get my head around some of this stuff...but it's going OK.

Thursday should be one of those "blow-ups" and I don't think it will happen...I have been working my tail off (I wish that was LITERALLY) and Iknow he knows it. But the fear is still there.

Hmmmm....

The fifth book written, you're the third book chronologically and take place during The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. You tell the story of the humans Shasta and Aravis and the talking horses Bree and Hwin, all trying to escape from unhappy lives in Calormen to go to Narnia.


Find out which Chronicles of Narnia book you are.

As My World Turns!

I so need to keep up with my blog. I think part of it is my commitment to try and tell a lot of what I would put here to Rob first. I think I have been pretty good about doing that. I also have my handy dandy notebook that I use expressly for stuff I need to tell Rob. That ends up here as well…but I forget sometimes.

So, my goal Thursday was to share with Rob all my Marc pondering and what I think I have figured out. It goes back to the last thing Marc said in his letter. I felt valuable without having to EARN it. He didn’t feel that was because I could produce big time in my job (pre doing ministry FT) or because as a volunteer the YP wanted to clone me or because I had to do x,y and z to earn that title. He thought I was valuable simply because I get up in the morning…because I exist.

Now, I did say he probably wasn’t the only one that may have felt that way…but at the time he let me know in tiny ways. I told Rob if he asked Marc and I what those ways were they would be different lists and Rob agreed saying you never know how something you do will touch another. Anyway, it took me a few minutes to read all that stuff to him. I was honest with him. I told him I came in the door knowing I promised to read it but that I no longer wanted to and I wasn’t sure why. I finally just picked up my notebook and read it to him. I am really glad I did it.

Things kind of went downhill from there though. We switched gears back to the reasons I don’t deserve food. Actually, first there was a lame-o joke about how many weeks until we have another “blow-up” session. I don’t think he realized how much that last go round affected me. I still trust him, I still feel safer in his office than anyplace else…but something “broke” in me that day. The thing is, I guess that means I must NOT trust him anymore…or it has been bruised I guess would be the better explanation.

The joke was funny (sort of) but it did hurt and I tried to cover that with laughing as I moved into the corner where the couches meet. He then asked me if I was serious about working through the list. I really am…scared spitless…but serious. He asked me about 3 or 4 times and I said yes. Then he said something that felt like a slap in the face, yet I can’t recall his words. It was something to effect of, “I was just checking because I don’t want you accusing me of making you feel like #4 on your list if we do this.” I cannot tell you if that is what he said exactly though and that bugs me. I think when he made that first joke; I laughed and tuned him out at the same time so when he said whatever it was it registered then I blocked it out. I felt the tears well up and then he changed the subject again and I didn’t react to what had just happened.

I left there feeling like a total joke and thinking he thought I put down I was a failure in therapy simply to hear him tell me I wasn’t. I only wish that were true. To me, the fact we these little monthly “blow-ups” because I frustrate him, show I am a failure. Then I felt really mad…but didn’t want to be mad because whatever he said he was JOKING…and I was so on edge. I wanted to cut. I wanted to slash at my flesh and let the blood run down my arms and allow me to feel at peace. But, I got online and chatted with friends for HOURS.

I had Friday off and woke up still very much on edge. I know I could have called him…even if I didn’t get why I was hurt…but I didn’t. I chose to purge instead…it really worked…not a good thing.

Today I knew I was going to have to tell him and tell him why. At 10:30 this morning I almost had a panic attack about the whole thing. So, we got to the point where he goes through the questions: Cutting? Purging? Restricting? I told him.

We talked through it…it was so hard to say why I purged. To me it was a “me” issue (I chose to react to whatever was said) and not because he “made” me feel a certain way. But, I finally told him and even he can’t remember what he said. He’s the one who also figured I was probably mad at him for whatever was said because I didn’t call or email him all weekend. Even if it is something really lame I usually call at least once between sessions.

I thought about it the whole way home and after he filled in one hole (the joke about how many more weeks until the next blow up) I went from there and tried to figure out the rest. I got home and wrote it out and called him. I felt I said way “too” much. He is my therapist…no such thing! But, that feeling is probably a good sign. I told him that I felt something broke inside me after the last blow up and it wasn’t because what he said didn’t need to be said, because it did…but there was “something” that snapped. I wish I had kept what I said because I forgot a lot of what I said to him.

Thursday I think we will be talking about this and about that session a few weeks ago. I came close in my VM to telling him about how mad I have been at myself for crying at that session…maybe it was the Friday session…since I told myself I would never let him see me cry again. I am thinking I really need to tell him that.

All of this is so NOT fun, but in the long run I think what is going on is only going to make things better…or kill me!

The Hours...

No..not the book nor movie...just until my appointment with Rob. I feel a little...okay A LOT...silly because I don't want to share with him today. I want to talk about my "top ten," my meeting with my SP that went well and my eating over the past couple days...but I really don't wnat to talk about the Marc stuff and what I have figured out. I really feel at peace with it...more than I have in ages and ages...and I know I have shared some here, but it's "mine" ya know? However, a promise is a promise.

I hate when I feel dread before an appointment. It doesn't happen very often...but after his last "blow up," I become very anxious. He apologized, we talked it out, and it wasn't undeserved...but it did something inside me and I am not sure what. Either that or it is because I feel so exposed since sharing that list with him...I have not felt that way since Marc...so I guess it could be a good thing. I do feel anxious and shy...it may be a move back on the couch day. We have been sititng on the floor since December (I think) and I like it because we sit closer...not sure I want that today.

10 Reasons I Don't Deserve Food

I had my list written when I got home from therapy last Thursday. It was pretty much how I think we ended the session. So, I called him with it later that night and promised Rob I would bring it in on Monday.

I did. He was really great about letting me stall and talk about my weekend...but he didn't let it go on for too long and NO sports talk. So, I told him I hadn't looked at it since I called him. My weekend was busy (new puppy) and so I opened my notebook and was struck dumb. I looked at it and felt shame, vulnerable and very scared. He talked me through them slowly...one by one.

1. I'm bad
2. My family didn't think I needed food (I was put on my first diet at 6 or 7)
3. I am a beached whale
4. I'm a failure in therapy (didn't wnat to deal with that one in the moment and didn't tell him)
5. I'm a failure at following my meal plan
6. I'm a HUGE disappointment
7. I haven't done anything to deserve food
8. My list (What I Say About Me: Selfish, whiny, needy, fat, ugly, stupid, waste of space, failure, self-centered, weak, scared, lame, lazy, irrelevant, bad, defective, damaged goods, unloveable, inept, ungrateful, shallow, disgusting, boring, dumb, lame, disrespectful, mean, self-destructive, hurtful, vapid, airhead, repulsive, blob, a fraud, loser, incompetent.)
9. I need to be punished
10. I don't deserve anything good

As he pointed out...that goes way beyond the food part of it. He had me promise to come home and email him the whole list and I explained why I said #4. He emailed back and said ti wasn't true...but that is a whole issue we need to work out.

I realized one thing on Monday...I forget he is human at times. He says it, I know it...but he does not have memory I do. Something came up about motivation and stuff again and I started to tune out and go off to whever I go and stopped myself. After a few deep breaths and trying to remember very hard to use "I feel when XXXXX happens. I need you to XXXXXX." It was more of "I feel XXXXXXX and like I am not being heard because I have talked about fear and I feel like you don't believe me or keep forgetting." That was hard...but good.

I think so much happened when I first came home from Remuda (loss of 1/2 my income, having to move home, calling 911 FOUR times in 7 months, etc.) that I did allow it to send me into a tailspin...even if I didn't realize it. And, I don't think I am out. But...for TODAY...I can see things a little more clearly and my handy dandy little notebook is going to be a good thing...along with the blog.

So, Thursday we will talk more about the list and if we are going to use it as a template for our time and I will share the stuff I have further pondered about Marc.

I got a very wise email from a regular reader. What he said made sense and was confirmation about what I had been mulling over. I really want to share it all with Rob first...so y'all have to stay tuned!

WHO?????

You are Mike Patton.


Which music god are you?
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We Gotta Puppy!

I knew we were getting one, but we all know my mom could have been blowing smoke. However, Thusday she calls me at work and tells me the puppy is coming. So, I drop everything and head to Lunardi's to get said puppy. He is adorable.

The puppy is a maltese/pomeranian mix and was born April 1st! My mom let me name him and so, in honor of Buffyverse, I have named him Spike. I also call him Spikey (my mom's preferred name) and "Blondie Bear." He is supposed to be ours...but he has reallt attached himself to me. It is really cute.

We took him to my grandparents' house yesterday and Mikey isn't too sure what to make of the pipsqueak. I think they will play great together in time. The cats are mad...but the puppy has not idea to chase and bark and them and he is about 1/8 their size! I hope they come around. He is going to be a lot of fun!

Eureka!

No, not the city...but I think I hit upon something yesterday. Rob and I were talking about the whole "unanswered questions" I have with the whole Marc thing. I do know I will never have the answers and need to come to terms with that. Rob thinks even if I had the answers it doesn't make a huge difference in the long run. That's fair. I don't agree...but it's a fair statement. He also said there is something deeper and that I may be using the questions from keeping me to dig into what it really is that gets to me about this whole thing.

I hit upon it last night. I was reading the letter Marc gave to me our last session. It is one word...one word that no one had ever used before and has never been used since. Toward the end of the letter Marc saked me to not give up, to pray, to ask for help, etc. because I was "too valuable for anything less than this." I think some of the pain comes from the one person in my life who actually saw value and me...and that was taken away.

I need to "ponder" more...

The Day After...

So, I got to sleep at 2:00 AM which has brought on a migraine...so it is just so wise I am the computer! HA!

I sat down last night to try and type everything out to read to Rob and get it out of system...to cry to ask for his help in getting rid of what I can only describe as a huge ball of pain in the center of my being...to try and come to terms that there will be answers about Marc's leaving I will NEVER know.

The "odd" thing about that is he CAN give me those answers and let some of it be over. I have tried. Okay...while he was in Tikrit he was little busy...almost getting blown up and all (no joke)...but he is back in Alaska and I asked him again to answer my questions. So, I need to come to terms that not only will I never have some answers but he is unwilling to give them to me.

I want to let Rob in...I truly do...but there is so much fear there. He has never done anything to remotely hint at I have reason to fear...quite the opposite...but there is something holding me back. I am really praying that since I am getting sick of that "something" that the anger at "it" is going to help me just do it. For me, loss of emotion/control in a session seems so unacceptable and I need to get over that.

It is NOT lack of motivation that is holding me back...it is fear...yer I really have nothing to fear.

Ugh...

Four Years Ago Today...

My former therapist gave me this letter at our last session:

Deneice,

You have often expressed yourself through writing and, well, it’s my turn to leave you with some thoughts on paper also. This has been a long and difficult journey for you. You have allowed me into some very deep and painful places in your life, and I have felt it both and I have felt it both an honor and a privilege to be there with you.

Deneice, you are truly a creation of a loving God. He has knit you together, by His design, and He knows you and loves you. In the midst of your struggles, He seeks you out as a shepherd who has lost a sheep. No, the others are not enough. He wants you, Deneice Fujii, You are absolutely no mistake -- you are here for a reason.

I will miss you as out time has come to a close. Deneice, as I have done numerous times, I will pray for you and entrust you to God’s care and to Linda. My hope for you is that you will continue on in your growing. Yes, I know you are probably disagreeing with what I am saying right now. =) Yet you know that, in our therapy time, I have seen some of the most vulnerable parts of your emotional world and yet I care very much about you. I am confident that if you keep getting more of what you need to heal, you will begin to see yourself more as a treasure of God’s creation (as He really see you).

I know my leaving is so difficult for you—you have told me and I have heard you. I hope you are able to continue to hold un to what we have begun together and let others help you through your pain inside.

DO NOT GIVE UP, DENEICE. Pray, ask for support and carry on. You are too valuable for anything less than this.



Today I miss him...I miss him and I am shooting myself in the foot because I couldn't let Rob intoit. I talked through it and around it...but I couldn't let him in. I need to...I need to find a way...

Four years ago today, May 14th, I was sitting in church as it was a Sunday. It was pretty much a normal day...well..it was Mother's Day. I was on Day 30-something of not eating...just water and Gatorade...and it was almost time to say goodbye to my therapist who was going to be finishing up his internship in Hawaii.

I came home from church, called my mom and grandmother to wish them Happy Mother's Day and decided to take my meds as I forgot that morning. At some point I figured that if one was fine...more were better. It was a lame attempt and kinda realized what was happening before I took the whole bottle...but I was ready to die. I was worn out, yet one more person in my life was leaving...it was another of many losses one way or another in that past 18 months or so and I had had enough.

I failed. I had my final session with Marc and later that day entered the Psych. Ward at College Hospital where I had my favorite outfit stolen from my room, I was honestly way more high functioning that most of the people I was there with and short of keeping me safe until the feelings abated...did nothing for me. But, I had been there 8 years previous and I must have made some sort of impression on the Psychiatrist even then because he remembered me. Weirdness.

Yesterday was another one of those awful session with Rob that leave me twisting his words and what he was saying into condemnation of who I am. Was he agitated? Yup. Is he losing patience? Unfortunately...yes. Was he wrong about what he said about my motivation? Oh yeah...big time. As usual, it ended up being a really good thing and it got me to blurt out what is really going on without caring how stupid I sounded and what he may think. Then he teels me that what I told him just makes him "embrace me more." I mean I "get it." I do. He has NEVER judged me. His office is the safest place in my world...but there is so much fear and i don't get why.

In my post about my list of how I see me and how others see me is where the answers to all the questions I think. I so get that what others say doesn't mean I am that 24/7 and what I say I am PROBABLY isn't true 24/7. I think I stall, I clam up, and I seem unmotivated because I am afraid that as we strip everything else away that was much as I DON'T want to be what I think I am and what my family seems to think I am...that is reality and what everyone else sees is me being a huge fake. I told him I am scared because if that turns out to be the case...I don't think I can handle it.

We also talked about how he wants to hear whatever is going on in my head...even if it has nothing to do with what we are talking about because then we can just go though to thought and come back around to the main point.

What I was almost in tears about yesterday was that it frustrates me to know end to be in this totally safe place and still have fear hold me back so much. He has proven over and over again that he is safe, that I can trust him, that he is going to be there...and I hate that I can't take that in and allow him to help me.

We had to take my grandfather to the ER again last night by ambulance. It was his blood sugar crashing again.

Needless to say, I am seeing Rob at 5:00 PM tonight.

Pudding...I Have Pudding!

It finally arrived! All 66 cans of nutritional goodness and the way for me to get in my second "eating episode" without blowing a gasket or barfing a lung...well...now the key is to separate the pudding from dinner. Yeah...like that's going to be easy. Bah!

The thing is, most people think WHY would anyone want to eat a 240 calorie can of pudding? Easy. It beats "real" food. Five ounces of kinda chocolatey goodness and lots of nutrition and none of that icky food in my body. Okay...this is just to help me GET to tolerate more than one meal a day and eventually ADD food...but the thought does not bring me happiness.

But, on the other hand...I guess I can't be afraid of food forever...right??

The Car, My Mom, Etc.

Monday my mom quit speaking to me again because I hadn't called the DMV yet. It was anooying, it was stupid...but I still let it get to me. So, I got home yesterday and she started in again and I called. Just as I thought...they have not processed my Release of Liability yet as they are 60 days behind. But, as soon as it is processed I can get a copy no problem.

As crazy making my mother is...she is going through ^$%^& at work that is NO fault of hers at all. It should get interesting and hopefully her boss will get the boot...making the bakery a safe place for all! She had to call Rob to see if she could info from him that she may need (she saw hime ONCE and it was supposed to be for me...but given her own need for therapy...it was about her work stuff) in case it gets nasty. It was weird listening to her talk to him and not me!

I almost got the monthly lecture from Rob on Monday. It was a mini-lecture and everything he said was true. This is what I struggle with. Okay...I should wait until tomorrow because I have been beter about telling him first THEN blogging about it...but I need to get it out! Anyway, I have a simple statement to make. I know it is not a true statement, I know that it is from years and years of loss, etc. and I know it's obviously not a personal affront (people move, die, etc.)but my stuck point on Monday was, "Why does everyone want to leave me?"

I couldn't get the words out because I KNOW there isn't a whole lot of truth to it. But, as we come upon the anniversary date of Marc leaving, my mom and grandmother sharing with each other that they don't care if they died...I'm a little shaky about the whole thing. I get on a "head" level why I would say that and why it even makes sense that I feel this way...but the whole "core of my being" is convinced it is because of my badness, my unworthiness, etc.

Tomorrow that is what I will tell Rob. Then he will probably tell me how "profound" that statement is. The toad!

Test...

This is going to take a long time to reformat and stuff...but I love the pink!!!

Mother's Day...

I wanna go home and stay there. I don't want to deal with the restuarant, I don't want to deal with my grandmother drinking almost a whole bottle of wine (you better believe I am having a drink...not that is solved anything...but who cares!), I don't want to have to get "pummeled" by my whole family over the car thing, I just want to go home and read my book and watch my Sharks pound Calgary. Is that too much to ask?

I AM E-V-I-L...

My grandfather has never said anything remotely mean to me in my whole life. I take that back...once when I was 7 and I did something that ticked me mom off...he agreed it was a "ticked off" offense...but with all the other %%#( I have put my family through...he has never said anyhing bad to me or called me anything bad.

When he realized what I did about the car incident...he called me stupid. The one person in my family who isn't even related by blood (he is my mom's step-dad) that I thought loved me unconditionally called me stupid.

I want to purge the ugliness and evilness and "wrongness" out of me...but after 15 years that hasn't done any good.

Why does God keep me around?

"Profound" My Foot!

Seems to be that is Rob's new word to stuff I say. "That's a profound question," he says. "What you just said is very profound!" Ugh...I don't have a profound bone in my body!

The "profund" question I asked was simply how can what the people who are supposed to love me best and protect me be wrong about me and what others say be right? Granted...we can all be sneaky, phony, etc. at times. Rob claims to be the worst of all...suuuuure.....but I get that...we all have our human moments. But...that is what makes me phony, fake, etc. I am what my family sees...not what others see...what they see is what I want them to see so they don't see the other.

The second "profound" thing that came out of my mouth was that my suicide attempt and Marc's leaving still seems like yesterday. I was able to give him an almost blow by blow account of what thosw two days were like. I called him a couple hours ago confused because there are other dates that are just as "powerful" (i.e. being molested or the physical abuse from my mom) and I can't give dates anymore. I think his answer of me not being able to feel it all like it was yesterday instead of four years ago is to dive right in and talk about it. I'm trying...but it's really hard and I am so afraid of setting off red flags in his head that aren't there and he won't believe that because of everything else. But I guess that is where the trust comes in.

I get home today after my session and yet again my mother has opened my mail. All but my state tax return because she knew if she opened that there would be no way she could claim she thought it was addressed to her. Anyway, the bozo that bought my old car got a ticket and I got the bill.

All of a sudden she "knows" the kid was "higher than a kite" and she "knew you shoiudn't have sold the car but you were in such a &$^&I^ hurry." That was bad enough. The we went to the address on the citation and an lder woman answered the door...I was nice and calm and asking her questions and my mother is calling the woman a liar and saying stuff that I won't repeat her...but had I been in the woman's place and knew something...I so would not have said anything because of my mom.

Dummy me didn't make a copy of the release of liability...but I can get one from the DMV. My grandfather is going to ask a neighbor who works for the DMV. I thought it would easier to write down all the info for him so he wouldn't have to remember it all. I come into the house to write the info down and my mom is asking me for it. I tell her just give me a minute to write it down because it would be easier and that sets her off. I think I even said it would be simpler to just wite it down. Next thing I know...she tells me (I am inside the house she is outside)...well...screams at me to go F&$^ myself!

I'm fine...I am safe...but right now...death is looking really good because it can't be any worse than the hell I am living in every day. That's why I have days that I don't care if I purge because those are the days I am practically praying that it is that purge that will cause my electrolytes to go all wonky and my heart stops.

Dumb, Dumb, Dumb

Why are memories such a powerful thing? Or maybe the better question is why do I allow memories to sweep me away and continue to disturb/overwhelm me at times?

This period of time four years ago was so difficult for me. The therapist I had started seeing October 1999 was the first one I ever let in (really let in) and he announced to me January 2000 that he would be leaving and finishing up his doctoral externship someplace else. He knew it was possibility, but didn't know for sure, but we still had about five months until he would be leaving. So, for the next five months every session was torture because each one brought us one step closer to his leaving...to HAWAII (Tripler Army Medical Center). Of course, it being an Army thing he has to serve like 4 years and he ended up in Tikrit and almost was blown up by a bomb 10 feet from where he was sitting is he hadn't have left when he did...but I think he is back in Alaska now.

Anyway, the closer May 17th came the more and more freaked I became, the more suicidal I became and the more I couldn't fathom being able to say goodbye and having it be like the 15th "loss" I had suffered in about a 18 months period of time...some of it was like Marc...people moving on, but some of the loss came in the form of death. No matter what...it was fast becoming one too many. Looking back, Marc probaably crossed some boundaries. Not in a bad way and nothing that I didn't appreciate, but in his attempts to do some "re-parenting," he made it that much harder to say goodbye. It was little things...phone calls to check on me when things were a little rough (without me phoning first), coming in on a Saturday if we missed a regular appointment when he was out of town, etc. He spoiled me.

I was in the midst of my self inflicted 60 day starve-a-thon. As I have looked back I think I was hoping I could be dead before May 17th and I wouldn't have to say goodbye. By May 14, 2000...it wasn't happening fast enough. It wasn't planned...it just kind of "happened." That year May 14th was Mother's Day. I got up, went to church, came home and called my mom and grandmother. I had forgotten to take my meds and so I decided to...after as nap. I took a nap, got up and the next thing I knew one pill became...well...more than one.

I called Marc and let him know and told him I don't think I really took enough to hurt me and I was going to sleep it off. I couldn't. I got on the computer and was IMing with a couple friends. I guess my typing became all "wonky" and my friend urged me to go to the ER. I did. I talked them out of admitting me. I came home to frantic messages from Marc. I tried to page him as he asked when I got home and he didn't call back. He didn't call back for the next TWO days. I think that really shows how our relationship wasn't your normal therapeutic relationship.

May 17th the guy I was seeing at the time drove me to the office and then was going to pick me up afterward. It was nice we were working together (at that time anyway) and he could do that. Marc and I talked through a little bit of what happened and I remember going over our time (came to find out he came in just for me...he was gone after I left) and then that was it. He said I could write to him after he had been gone 30 days.

There was a lot left unsaid and no closure because I couldn't handle to goodbye...especially one that dragged on for 5 months. It was easy to find him and while he waon't answer me...he doesn't care if I email him. So, I drop him a line about every 4-6 months...especially while he was in Iraq. I keep telling him if he wants to get rid of me he only has to answer a couple of questions he never got around to before he left. I guess he doesn't want to get rid of me because he never answers.

He told me that no one could not meet me and have their lives impacted (in a good way) and he was going to share how I had impacted his. It drives me nuts that he NEVER shared that. I also want to know what he was thinking in telling me about his leaving so far ahead of time.

This time of year always takes me back. Funny thing is, I really can't remember what he looks like...I can't quite remember what his voice sounds like...but I just remember "him." I think I am so stupid for feeling abandoned because I have such a wonderful therapist now and three months after coming home from remuda the first time...also had a great therapist.

I ended up writing him dozens and dozens of pages because the spokedn word failed me so much in those last months. It took me a few weeks to really put down what I was feeling about his leaving, it not being fair, etc. I told him that it was like I was in heart surgery...I am on the table and someone else can finish the job...but that person wasn't there for the first incision and didn't hold my heart in their hands.

I hate myself for still missing him and for the tears it brings thinking of him.

Panic!

Last night as my mind was swarming with everything as well as just plain being emotional I had a flipping panic attack!

I couldn't figure it out at first and then I realized, "oh...panic attack!" I am not amused. I hate having them when I am alone...but I was able to pull myself out of it...breathing is a good thing!

I just need to calm down and pretend the next two weeks are not important...that I didn't suffer one of the worst feelings of abandonment by someone (okay...not his fault...but still) during this time and that history does not need to repeat itself May 14th.

Yeah...and elephants (other than Dumbo) fly!

The Day After...

It actually went well. I guess I shouldn't surprised, but I was. It was hard and I still feel incredibly shaky eight hours later.

He did say that he didn't press the suicidal stuff when i came came home because I truly did come back a bit better and I was making plans for the future. Okay...I was back in December when it was all going on. It is so hard because I will fight myself tooth and nail sharing that stuff with him again only because he made it clear contract or no contract we will not hesitate to call 911 is he thinks he has to.

There was just so much and there is so much left...I don't know where to start or contiue or "whatever." I see my dietitian on Wednesday and am really looking forward to it just to bounce stuff off her and listen to what she has to say about my "secrets."

One thing Rob said that I understand and I am trying to sort out for myself is this. Whenever I tell him about behaviors what he really wants to know is how I feel about what I did...how much it bothers or doesn't ME. Although 10:1 he has his own feelings about it...he is not going to "feel feelings" for me and he shouldn't. I have to just decide what I DO feel about the behaviors. Sometimes I care and sometimes I don't. Maybe I just share when it DOES.

The next two weeks are so memory filled I want to hide away someplace where no one can find me and then I'll come out May 18th like nothing happened. Okay...I know I cannot live in a fantasy world...but something in ME snapped this time. Nothing that has anything to do with my sessions with Rob or him at all...just my own stuff that I am trying towork through, but has me on very shaky ground.

Secrets...

I have been keeping a lot of those lately. Oddly enough...I have let my treatment in on those secrets and I was actually planning on sharing them here instead of with them. Bad choice. They know now...and I guess while they aren't total secrets anymore...they will absolutely NOT be anymore.

This is from an email I sent to my team:

I’m not even sure why I feel the need to say any of this…except for obvious reasons…it needs to be said and I’m not real good at doing this stuff face to face though I should be by now…but I’m not. But, I do think over the past couple weeks since my “implosion” and all that followed that I guess I’ve decided that I am going to say all of this no matter how stupid and idiotic it sounds and no matter how much I’m scared you are both going to think I am a blooming idiot.

I’ll start with the easiest stuff first…on Monday when we were talking about food and it being overrated and me not needing to eat (of course I left out the "or deserve to eat") I took what Rob said and decided that I was going to “run” with it. Funny thing is…by that I actually know how dumb it sounds…but I still want to get there. Rob said that maybe “they” were the ones with the problem and I don’t need to eat. Enter Mr. ED who informed me that Rob thinks I’m fat and I’d better take the hint and do what I can to stop the food intake. In fact, I drove around for two days trying to decide if I should call and cancel with Toni because if I’m not the one with the problem then why come and see you. Do I want to eat? No. Am I over the part about not seeing Toni? Yes.

Now the hard stuff which I even have a hard time typing out because the one thing I that keeps echoing in my mind is that it’s going to be doubted, my motives are going to questioned and as much as I don’t want to care what you think or if you like me or not…that’s the way I’m wired and so I downplay and edit and don’t bring stuff up that I should which doesn’t help anyone…but I don’t want a replay of December because things aren’t quite that bad…and I am so babbling.

I’d say that if I was saying this out loud, “I’d say this once, but if you bring it up I will deny it.” However, it looks there will be written proof…but it has been building for a few months now and I feel like I am going to explode if I don’t say anything.

By Christmas Eve I was totally spent. Between all the stuff that was happening with my mom and everything else that was going on with me…I was exhausted and tired of fighting with Rob over does he or does he not call 911. When we had the “showdown” on Christmas Eve I was tired of arguing about it. He was right and I knew it but there was too much at stake to let him call…but I didn’t think I had a leg to stand on that night…no matter what holiday it was…as much as I fought…I was convinced I wasn’t going to “win” the fight. I did. Still not sure why…but I did. I came home from WA and we talked about it once. I did come back from WA better than when I left…but by no means were the thoughts very far away. I decided that after Rob was so close to picking that phone up and didn’t that he didn’t believe any of it…so why even bring it up again?

I do have a couple friends who ask me the question from time to time and I do answer truthfully. They know that it’s still on my mind…but not near as much in December…the thought is there…not so much in the planning department. If I had to gone to Napa alone…it was a thought. When I went to see Jars of Clay…it was on my mind then as well…any chance that I am alone like that the wheels start turning…but I have no timeline.

Which brings me back to the food portion of all this. The IBS stuff before I left for Chicago was awful yet cool at the same time because it only happens when I am not using ED behaviors. However, I am not sure how much the trade off is worth it because getting cramped up hurts a “zillion” more times than accidentally nicking my throat with a fingernail. That’s why it was so easy to stop back in December…the pain that last time I had tried to purge was pretty bad.

I told Rob Thursday that I feel better when I don’t eat. I also told him if you ask people that were in my life 4 years ago if that were the case there answer would probably be different than mine. Like Robbie NOT wanting to walk with me (and not just on the breaks when he’d leave without me) because he was afraid I was going to pass out and he didn’t know what to do if that happened. In my twisted little mind all I remember is being able to workout and then walk a 1/2 mile with no problem, having enough energy to get through 8 hour days at work AND volunteer at Saddleback and going to Disneyland with Anna. Of course, if I think real hard…Nick also sent me home from work early on several occasions, I sprained both wrists when I got dizzy and tripped and fell in the parking lot at Saddleback and I almost passed out on Anna several times getting off rides so I quit going with her.

But, the pull to not eat seems so much stronger than any will I have to eat. It’s been almost 24 hours (longer really since I purged dinner last night) since I have eaten and I am not hungry and I don’t want to eat. My mom went out with the dog to my grandmother’s and she’ll be back and then food will have to happen…but after all I have said and all I have NOT said in the past few weeks…the message telling me I don’t deserve food…let alone enough to sustain life…is way stronger than the message that I have got to eat whether I feel like it or not…because I rarely feel like it.

I am going to wish I could take it all back come Monday.

Sleep...

Ever wish you could just sleep forever?

Okay...it's because I want to avoid stuff...but if the rapture came by Monday Noon PDT I would be very happy.