I sit here and it reminds me of "Doogie Howser, MD." It might not, but after watching "The 80s Strikes back" on VH1...it does now! I really used to like that show so that's okay.

Had the weirdest dream last night. Dreamt I was back at Remuda, but they sent me straight to IL and it was days before I finally made it on to the cul-de-sac to have my orientation and stuff. It was way weird. It was day, but it looked like it was night and the stars were incredible and some staff were there...that was weird. Aaron was chewing on a gray sweatshirt which was even stranger.

It is hard to believe Yac has been gone a week. I think of the Conventions I have been to and the memories of them and Yac flood my mind. I remember the Spiritual Retreat in San Diego the first year it was offered and the "art" we creates when getting rid of our clay and Mike's awe of what our pieces created when all "mushed" together and having it at the altar the last day when we took Communion. I have pictures of that in one of my Creative Memories albums someplace.

It's still amazing that I am getting an email here and there from people who haave heard the news and are checking on me. They know how much of a YS Freak I am and so it makes a weird sort of sense. Okay, I look at my shelf in my office filled with YS resources...some no longer vailable and yeah...my friends know me well.

It is 9:25 and I am dreading 1:00 PM already. I just don't feel like bringing up the muck today. Part of me feels that since the nightmares have decreased, the flashbacks have lessened and I don't disassociate much in or out of session it's all done...new trauma subject. But Rob is correct...there is so much there still...how on a daily basis I feel gross and disgusting...how I can feel his tongue being shoved into my mouth...that is probbly the worst. I hadn't said that to Rob, but since he came out and asked me Monday...it's like it's there all the time and it makes eating so hard. I did great at dinner last night...but that was my only meal...but it was on plan!

I was trying to get my mom to eat salmon with me (I baaked her a potato along with mine that she ate) and she said, "I don't have to eat balanced like you people do." You PEOPLE??? Sigh... I felt so guilty for eating after that I wanted to purge so bad...but I can't at her house without her knowing. Is she EVER going to learn?