Rob and I had an interesting session...I like this sitting on the floor thing...seems more informal (like we're formal) and I'm glad I finally did it.

So, after getting him off on as many tangents as possible...he brings it around to I don't take my sleep/anxiety meds because I am keeping them. He asked me all these questions and now he's kinda freaked. Like I am the FIRST one ever contemplating this with a plan he has dealt with in 20+ years? Anyway, he brings us that maybe we shouldn't continue if I am so set on my own demise.

I got home and emailed him this:

Hey You!

I keep going over and over some of the things you said...and part of me thinks you are right. Why should I take up your time 2x a week when ultimately I'm not sure if I'm going to be around much longer? Your time would be better spent with someone who isn't a lost cause.

Maybe because though we joke about you being the Voice of Reason and Truth...that I want to believe what you are saying.

Maybe because I can torture myself some more sitting there 2x a week listening/seeing you be nice to be and hating every minute of it because I don't deserve it.

I don't know. I don't want to waste your time...I'm already a waste of space.

To which he replied:

You are SO WRONG, SO VERY WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are NOT a waste of space and I would be devastated if we didn't continue!!!!!!!!


ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

To which I replied:

Then why did you say that if I am still plotting my demise that maybe we shouldn't?

Hmmmmmmmm.....????

Ummm...Go Lions!

He's in session now...but he called me to see if I got his email and to assure me that he wants us to have many, many,many more times together.

The thing is...I feel so rational about this whole thing. I have enough meds, I have the place and a rough ideas of when and it doesn't bother me...at all. It seems like this is the course of things and I'm ok with it.