I was looking for a date in the archives of my blog. I thought the anniversary of my mother's last suicide attempt was tomorrow...it was actually yesterday. I am not sure why I had the 10th in my head.
I read back a couple months. There are times when I feel like I have pretty much made zippo progress. Part of me knows that isn't true, but there are times I am not quite convinced. Yeah...really kinda convinced now. You should take a look at my November and December 2003 entries. I know I am STILL on an open ended suicide contract (wonder if Rob knows it's still on file)...but I totally forgot not only the oral safety contracts he had me on, but just how bad off I really was. I read that stuff and even I can't remember it all.
Back to the anniversary. The one thing that I am still amazed about the whole thing is that I called Rob maybe about 1ish in the morning...I called him right after I called my grandparents...before I left for the ER. I got home about 3 AM or so and then just collapsed on the couch. About 6ish or so the phone rang and it was Rob. He sounded 1/2 asleep...and I remember being so amazed he'd call me that early.
It's not that I am "all better." I mean I wish I could say without a doubt that I would never even consider suicide ever again and that is almost true. I am not sure I will ever get to where I was four years again...but I know when a depressive episode hits the thought plays in my mind off and on. Never to the point of having a plan...but the thought is there. I think I am getting better at my thoughts just being there...just allowing them to float in and out...but I still have a ways to go.
Food has been "interesting." I have really tried to commit to eating "something" three times a day and trying to not make a big deal about the "what." This means I actually went and had McDonald's the other night and kind of late at that...but I still managed to lose weight. Okay...I probably should have NOT hopped back on a scale...I hadn't since July...and was bummed that the weight I had lost during my last lapse (okay...probably small relapse is more honest) had come back (which yeah...I knew without the scale)...but was amazed it wasn't quite as much as I thought...I was 10 pounds off.
I know I am afraid this won't last. I have been down this road several times before and it hasn't lasted yet. It is already getting hard to eat the meals. The good thing is I don't regret it when I do and I haven't once thought of purging.
I have so much more to write, but I leave for ice skating in a bit.
Anyway, go back in my archives...wow...that's all I can say!
I read back a couple months. There are times when I feel like I have pretty much made zippo progress. Part of me knows that isn't true, but there are times I am not quite convinced. Yeah...really kinda convinced now. You should take a look at my November and December 2003 entries. I know I am STILL on an open ended suicide contract (wonder if Rob knows it's still on file)...but I totally forgot not only the oral safety contracts he had me on, but just how bad off I really was. I read that stuff and even I can't remember it all.
Back to the anniversary. The one thing that I am still amazed about the whole thing is that I called Rob maybe about 1ish in the morning...I called him right after I called my grandparents...before I left for the ER. I got home about 3 AM or so and then just collapsed on the couch. About 6ish or so the phone rang and it was Rob. He sounded 1/2 asleep...and I remember being so amazed he'd call me that early.
It's not that I am "all better." I mean I wish I could say without a doubt that I would never even consider suicide ever again and that is almost true. I am not sure I will ever get to where I was four years again...but I know when a depressive episode hits the thought plays in my mind off and on. Never to the point of having a plan...but the thought is there. I think I am getting better at my thoughts just being there...just allowing them to float in and out...but I still have a ways to go.
Food has been "interesting." I have really tried to commit to eating "something" three times a day and trying to not make a big deal about the "what." This means I actually went and had McDonald's the other night and kind of late at that...but I still managed to lose weight. Okay...I probably should have NOT hopped back on a scale...I hadn't since July...and was bummed that the weight I had lost during my last lapse (okay...probably small relapse is more honest) had come back (which yeah...I knew without the scale)...but was amazed it wasn't quite as much as I thought...I was 10 pounds off.
I know I am afraid this won't last. I have been down this road several times before and it hasn't lasted yet. It is already getting hard to eat the meals. The good thing is I don't regret it when I do and I haven't once thought of purging.
I have so much more to write, but I leave for ice skating in a bit.
Anyway, go back in my archives...wow...that's all I can say!
