Wednesday, December 29, 2004

I Miss Rob...

I am doing okay without him...but I do miss him. Things are quiet this week and for that I am truly thankful. So, I don't need him, but I like to have him around...just in case.
FIVE (cannot believe it has been that long) years ago on NYE I had the police at my door. I was sick. I was sick and just wanted to be left alone. I was deep into ED, Marc (my then therapist) was out of town for anothr week or so and I simply wanted to hide. I guess what I said in my email to those I wanted to leave me alone raised some flags. Oh boy. The cops came and they had to talk to the woman covering for Marc (who I had never met) who had to talk to me and she fixed it. They left and I went in the next morning for an emergency session.
Things have not been quite that bad (i.e. I don't dare tell my friends to just forget me and leave me alone for a bit), but I always think about it. Would going IP any place at that point..even for depression and suicidal ideation...been helpful? I am not sure. It was only 7 months later I was walking through the doors at Remuda so probably not. Not to mention I DID have that stay 6 weeks before going to RR.
I have my new computer and plan to post more pix of stuff. Not that I have a whole lot to take pix of...but I think I am going to see if I can manage to take a picture of Rob. His "official" staff picture is in a suit. That is the only time I have seen the suit. He is more casually dressed and even wears jeans on the occasional Saturday he is in the office.
I also managed to lose my first document on said computer. Oh was typo ridden and what I did was a very rough draft of our Nursery/Toddler Room brochure so once my SP looks it over than I will do a rewrite.
The puppy is sleeping right by me and not sure where Boo is. I NEED to take a picture of him and post it sweet little kitty! The best thing that came from my time in Indiana!

Spike and his new toy! Posted by Hello

Frederick enjoying the holidays! Posted by Hello

Sunday, December 26, 2004

The Day After...

I survived. I survived my dad's family and my own.
Christmas Eve was at my dad's side of the family. Awkard as I have almost NO relationship with them. My dad has been gone almost 32 years and this Xmas Eve thing is an awkward few hours. It was OK this time. Talked with one of my cousins' wives a lot and my Auntie Joyce and it was way better than last year. OKay, after last year nothing could get much worse.
I mentioned something about this year may be better as I was a little distracted last year. He asked why. He forgot about last year for a moment. Silly man.
Xmas Eve Day was Hell on earth with my mother. Xmas was OK until we got home alone.
I wish I had someplace to take of to this week. But, this is a GOOD thing since Rob is not forever.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

I was reading my blog from this time last year. I said that before, but I went back and re-read it again. In some ways I no longer feel like that person...I can see the dfference from wishing I were dead vs. planning it out as I had.

Not sure if I will ever know why Rob changed his mind last Christmas Eve. My begging and pleading, his willingness to trust my word...not sure if either were good reasons. I have a had a couple friends comment on him not taking it seriously enough. Not sure I agree with it, but as I read my blog and remembered that his colleagues thought he should admit me...maybe they were right. Maybe it would have helped a little. We don't talk about it and I am still under that contract. I am really going to miss him this next week!

Monday, December 20, 2004

And Another Thing... as we talk about how bad it is that my standards are too high and that I try to be perfect...Rob hold me to perfection in a couple areas. Is that fair??? Granted, the standard of perfection he is holding me to is not to "indulge" in two destructive behaviors and if I am "imperfect" it would be making the choice to treminate with him...BUT...why is it wrong have a high standard in some areas and not in others? Sounds like an unfair double standard to me.

Just Want to Escape...

My mind is pretty much reeling from the weekend’s events. Johnnie Carl, the conductor of the “Hour of Power” orchestra committed suicide early Friday morning at the Crystal Cathedral. His oldest is a former small group member of mine and I worked for the HOP and the CC for several years. I was a member for 10. Johnnie was bipolar and went off one med because of possible kidney problems. It was his mood stabilizer. After that, he went into a depressive-cycle that lead to his suicide. I am sad, I am shocked and a few other things that I know I shouldn’t be thinking.

Rob made me take the rubber bands off as soon as I walked in and got settled. We had a short conversation about them. I pointed out that snapping them actually hurts more than cutting, but doesn’t leave permanent marks. He doesn’t like that I use them for when I feel I need to be punished. I told him it was still better than cutting, thought that would be my preference. He made a comment about rubber bands being less lethal. That surprised me…that he would consider the cuts “lethal.” Then I made some comment about that it’s never been that and I have never needed stitches. Then Rob said it still puts me in the realm of a possible suicide attempt. Okay, I THOUGHT he was aware that cutting and suicide and not interchangeable. I didn’t push the issue with him…this is one I won’t win.

He also told me that he will be out of town next week. Normally I am cool with it. This time I am dreading it completely. The timing seems bad…not sure why because I am by no means very happy right now…but I am in an OK place. It may only be the latter part of the week so we would be there Monday, but I am not going to count on it.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

On Death & Dying....

My mom was talking to my grandmother on the phone a couple hours ago and is truly trying to prepare my mom for "the end." My grandmother is almost 84 and has been an alcoholic for years and years and decades...I do not want to sound callous...but I also know it is bound to catch up to a person. I think her body is just starting to give out after that many years of abuse.

Naturally I worry about her eternity, but I can't force her either. I do what I can...but she has free will. Gosh that sounds cold...but I know all I can do is pray and share when I can. According to her she is a believer and that very well may be...I can't judge that.

I think I am almost numb to this because my mom has used, "This could be his (my grandpa)/her last Xmas, birthday, Easter, etc." for at least 20 years now to manipulate me and while I DO know she is right this time...none of us knows how much time any of us has left.

My biggest fear is that when the "someday" arrives that my mom is going to have a major meltdown. WhenI had my Family Week at Remuda almost 4 1/2 years ago we talked about this. Thinking I would be away when it happened..I was very clear that I will come home...I will stay an extended period of time...but then I had to go back to my life. Things have changed...a lot. But I know that I will have to set boundaries when this happens or else she will suck me in and under.

They are so enmeshed that I am sure there will be yet another suicide attempt when my grandmother does leave us. My mom is already a mini-basket case after just talking on the phone with my grandma.

My heart tells me she will probably make it to January 21st...her 84th B-day...but I also have a sense that this will be our last Christmas together.

Monday, December 13, 2004

If I Only Had a Brain!

I get to church yesterday and unlock stuff, etc. I notice the CD player is missing from the Children's Church rooms. I go over to the Jr. High room because they often use it Sunday nights. No there. I checked each room...not there. Come to find out there were people there Sunday and when some kids just walked in with one thought a thing about it and left them there unattended. Now, it could have been someone else and not this group of neighborhood kids...but I am not holding my breath. The odd thing? They also took my toaster and not a cheap $10 one either. They left the blender...Leadership meeting went well. We are going to take the 4th & 5th grade kids on a "Weekend Away" at Mt. Hermon in March. Moving ahead on making physical changes to the CE building...will know more next month.

Today with Rob was rough. He only let me stall so long with other stuff before he made me read what I posted here. It took me about five minutes before I could do it. He told me he was so proud of me for doing it. I HATE that I needed to hear that…but I did. We didn’t get much past the part where I told him about being mad and shouldn’t be…but it was a start.

I don’t think he is going to take the rubber bands away. When I was going to start snapping them in our session, I took them off and put them on the other end of the couch. He asked me if I had been using them rather than cutting. I said yes and he left it at that. He even handed them to me before he closed our session in prayer.

I brought him brownies from scratch (I needed a distraction last night…they smelled good) and he emailed me to let me know he thinks they were awesome! I was happy. He normally dogs into whatever I being him and the last few weeks he has not so I was getting worried!

Wednesday is my final session with Toni for three months. That is causing me lots of stress and my eating has been bad. I wish I cared about that…but right now I don’t. That honestly worries me. Luckily…I have lots to lose so I’m not going to stress it.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

One Year Ago...

One year mom tried to commit suicide for the third time. For the second time, I had to "clean up the mess" of it all. I am having a hard time talking to Rob about it because we seem to not talk about where MY head was at duting this time. You can check out the archives.

I sent this to him tonight:

Hey You!

Well…one thing I learned today…mom is aware of the date. She gave me a small opening, but I didn’t take it. I think because I was in shock and I also think because of the thoughts going through my head before she got home and we went to dinner.

Some of the thoughts I really have no desire to share with either of you…my mom for obvious reasons and you…well…because I feel like an idiot but would feel like a bigger idiot if I didn’t tell you. I also dread doing this because I sit here dead set against having to follow the rules about sending an email that has to be read. I know I say this every so often and do it anyway and this is no exception…but I already feel fear having to put a voice to all this.

I’m not sure where to start as usual. Part of me dreads talking about it because I don’t especially want to think about where I was this time last year…and I don’t feel much better now.

Which brings me to the first feeling. I was jealous that she had the guts to actually do it. She didn’t sit in your office and talk about how much she WANTED to do it…she actually did. Okay, she then called Murphy and did the whole thing where I could hear in the first place…but she did it. Wish I had the guts to follow through instead of just pulling the meds out from time to time and counting them.

After today I also feel totally selfish about the whole thing. Ugh…I have always hated it when my mom has taken stuff that has happened to me and makes it all about her and you pointed out that by not realizing how depressed she was…that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing. You didn’t say it that way…but that’s what it feels like. If I had not been so worried about whether I was going to do the same thing myself…maybe I would have noticed. It just seemed totally impulsive and alcohol induced that it never occurred to me that I missed seeing what was going on.

And, on another purely selfish note, I will admit that it did make me mad. Mad that she never bothers to read anything and that she had no clue mixing alcohol and her antidepressants was a no-no. Mad that once again, I was the one who had to deal with it. Call 911, answer all the questions, call my grandparents, call Murphy, get rid of the note, get rid of the pills she didn’t take, take care of the stuff at her work. Mad that all she cared about through most of this was Murphy and me making sure I called him and kept him updated, etc. She is sitting up in bed in the ER covered with charcoal telling me over and over that I had to call Murphy and he had to know where she was.

I’m totally ashamed that I practically BEGGED them to keep her. I guess my mom was trying to call me or wanted them to call me or something…maybe I was calling to get info from the hospital (this was before they transferred her), but I talked to some staff member there and when they asked me I told them I didn’t want her home…that she needed to stay. I couldn’t handle her coming home the next day…heck…I had a hard time with her coming back 72 hours later…but sooner I know I would have been calling you every two minutes.

Then, of course, there is relief she didn’t succeed and that she did no damage to her body with all the pills she took.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Last night it was back to “abnormal” sleep.  I think it may have been because my mom was really noisy this morning.  She seems to forget that we all don’t need to be up at 2 AM!  But, my cat was also in my room last night and wanted out and that woke me up as well.  I out the CD back on and fell back to sleep for a little while.  Had some weird dreams about going back Remuda LIFE.  That is really funny because I in no way, shape or form need that and sure as heck never want to again!

But, I think they may have come from the “psycho babble” reason I may not have slept last night.  One thing I noticed after two nights of decent sleep...I was HUNGRY yesterday.  Like honest to goodness even tried a piece of my fudge hungry.  That scares me to death.  I know it’s a good thing.  I know that it is perfectly normal to feel hunger...but it is still very scary.  At least it gives me something to talk to Rob about.  That and if he id going to take the rubber band away from me.  Not that I can’t get a new one.  I have a bunch in my car because I shoot them (rather badly) at him from time to time.  I emailed him Monday night to ask if he was going to take it away.  He said I gave him something to think about it.

Logically, I get it.  Anything he “outlaws” is one less thing I can punish myself with.’s more nervous habit for me and right now I feel like I need some outlet since I can’t do what I want to do.  I don’t think that I will find something else...but at least I can’t do a whole lot of damage to my body this way.   

Monday, December 06, 2004

First off...let me tell you that...

He sent me a progressive relaxation CD that has meant I got FIVE hours of sleep last night! Woo hoo!

Next...ugh...just ugh. I got to a point today where I was at a loss for words and we talked about how I feel like I always have to have the "right" answer for Rob. I will sit there in silence trying to come up with what I think he needs to hear. So he asks me, "Do you understand yourself?" I said no. He asks me how do I know I don't. I tell him because nothing makes sense to me. Then he breaks it to me. That is not what he sees. Great. He tells me the only time he really knows I am not doing well is when I cut or purge.

I have also taken to wearing a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it and it got to him. He asked me to stop. Fine. I put my hands under Frederick and kept it up. He asked me why I was doing it. I skirted the issue. Of course he knows why and I know why and if I tell him why we will talk about it and then he will take it away...add it to my "cannot do list." I "need" it. Okay, he finds it distracting he'd find me tapping on my collar bone even more distracting if I ever lost the weight again!

Maybe I need to get someone to tell him what I have told him and he doesn't seem to hear coming from ME:
  • my mood has been spiraling since June (I read him that...he HAS a copy)
  • I still feel like I have to justify being alive
  • Life feels overwhelming
I don't know what else to say. I have said it several times and yet he still doesn't know. Okay, he may know...but he probably wants me to say it plainly. I have said two of the three very simply.

The one thing I did tell him today was that I DO want to be able to feel my feelings, but why bother when his office is the only safe place I can do it?

Tonight is one of those nights I just want to give up and give in. I feel incredibly alone and that no one out there really gets it...they just pat me on the head and assure me I'm loved. I am beginning to have my doubts about that one.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Fighting the Voices...

My dieitian goes on maternity leave the 16th so I will see her on the 15th and then not again until March. I have very mixed feelings about it. I did tell her I can check in with Rob and he won't let me starve to death so that's a plus!

Part of me wants to make sure I do well and get on track when I see her in March and part of me is now "free" to quit fighting to put food in my mouth at least once a day because there is no one to really watch that. It's not like I am losing weight or anything so who cares if I eat or not?

I know the thinking is not the best...but I think it is in reaction to all that is going on. My mother pretty much watches me like crazy these days and I haven't purged in going on three unless I start heading back to the YMCA and go nuts...I'll be OK.

Thursday, December 02, 2004


Doube post...ooops

To Sleep....

I am so exhausted. Sleep is still not in my vocabulary and it is not helping with therapy. Rob reminded me today that I have been slacking on coming in with an agenda. Ummm...he’s right, but I can barely get through a day because I am so tired. He told me that I have lots of time to think since I am not sleeping. Ugh! He’s right though...I need to do better.

So, I did tell him I did as he asked and tried to watch myself and see if I could figure out why I can’t sleep. I am stressed...I can feel it in my shoulders. The closer we get to my mom’s anniversary date of her last OD attempt the more I dread sleeping. This one I phoned him and told him because I forgot in session today. I think I am doing it to punish myself. I am restricting...but that is like breathing to me so it gets ignored that is a 24/7 type punishment...not that my weight is dropping because it’s not...but I am eating about once a day. To cut or purge what I do eat comes with consequences that I don’t want. I don’t want to stop seeing Rob the momentary relief is not worth losing him. I hate to drink, I refuse drugs (unless I could get my hands on ephedrine) and that leaves sleep.

Today we tackled my mom. I was on such auto-pilot from that whole thing I never processed it much with Rob. We were pretty busy making sure I didn’t follow suit. That was a mistake. He should have let me go. I think I have spent the last few months mad at him for doing his job. I don’t think he realizes I still have the means...I am under contract and he seems to ignore that I tell him my mood has been spiraling down for the last 6 months so why bother?

Anyway, I went back and went through the whole thing. I think it frustrates him that I am pretty detached emotionally from it. I know why. Some of it is my own fears of losing control. Some of it is to suppress my anger about it (which I am sure he has figured out) and some of it is me hearing his voice telling me that he doesn’t always know my motivation for crying when it happens. He still doesn’t get how much that disturbs me. He keeps reminding me that emotions are like the weather and they will change...but HIS OFFICE is the ONLY safe place I have and who wants to let loose with the emotions when I have to leave and come home?

I know I have to deal with this. I just don’t want to.