Sunday, March 28, 2004

Slow and Steady Wins the Race...

...bah! ;)

Seriously though, this week I "celebrated" two hard won anniversary dates. The first was on Monday when I was able to say to Rob..."by the way, today it has been three months since the last time I purged. Plus, it has been almost three years since I was able to go that long...I think once I started again back in 2001...I would go days...not weeks and NOT months.

The second one was Wednesday. Wednesday marked one month since the last time I cut. Yeah that's great and all...but I went into treatment last spring with 5 or 6 weeks under my I don't get too excited about it.

I don't let myself get too excited about any of it...not yet. The good thing is, the only time I really want to purge anymore is when I feel like I have eaten too much...most of the other reasons don't exist too much anymore.

The cutting is the hard part...that one is the one that "calls" to me often. To punish myself for a myriad of reasons, to let go of stress, to feel something...anything that this "comfortable" numbness that I live in.

Rob will ask how my psyche is. I dunno...he is really starting to get that and that me saying "I dunno" is not quite the cop out he thinks. As I visited Hell last week with my grandmother (read: she got rip-roaring drunk and I got the brunt of it all...and now she doesn't remember any of it) I called him and was all full of emotion on his VM. Monday and Thursday we talked about it, but we might as well have been discussing the weather! I told him that I can't dwell on what I felt. I felt it, but had to get up the next morning and function and be "on" and go to a day long workshop. So, I can talk about it being awful...but the feelings of it being awful (scary, hurtful, etc.) are not there.

And, being off the anti-d's have been the BEST thing. I really feel a bit more alive than I have in a long time. I think the Lexapro was what I needed when they switched my meds last May...but it quit working at some point and the serzone before that did no good I don't think. But, I am paying attention to any subtle changes and Rob is too and if need be...I will try something else. Maybe Prozac will work this time!

Next weekend I am going to see Jars of Clay!!! They are coming to San Francisco and I am going to go up after church on Sunday and stay at this cute 80 room "Botique" hotel. Priceline came through again. I am paying about 75% less than the hotels quoted price. Jars is my fave group AND they are playing right in Union Square which has the 3 story Old Navy and HUGE Disney Store. I need to restrain myself, but I have $85 coming back in Children's Ministry reimbursement $$. I am only doing this because I still have my Christmas money from my grandfather...that and I will have $$ coming back from the federal went to Rob for the most part!

Kinda Nifty...

You're To Kill a Mockingbird!

by Harper Lee

Perceived as a revolutionary and groundbreaking person, you have
changed the minds of many people. While questioning the authority around you, you've
also taken a significant amount of flack. But you've had the admirable guts to
persevere. There's a weird guy in the neighborhood using dubious means to protect you,
but you're pretty sure it's worth it in the end. In the end, it remains unclear to you
whether finches and mockingbirds get along in real life.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Blogger Pageant


It is a little different to other weeks, this week you need to imagine you are in a beauty pagaent (ok, its a stretch for some of us). You've gotten through the swimsuit and evening wear sections and its time to answer a question.

My choice: Do you prefer to have friends of the same sex or opposite sex? Why?

Wow! What an interesting question! Where do you judges come up with this stuff?

While I have friends of both sexes, I would have to say I prefer being friends with the opposiue sex. Not because I am anything great to look at so I can "tease" the guys, not because I want all the male attention to myself...but I feel more comfortable with them. Of course, that presents a problem should I become attracted to them...but all in all it works best for me!

I think it because on my father's side of the family, I am grandchild #6 of 9. Numbers 1-5? All boys. Number 7? A boy. Eight and nine are girls, but Kimberly came almost 6 years after me and so I was in "good' with the boys by then. I never went through a "boys are icky" stage and meant it and even being somewhat of a girlie-girl (give me pink and lace anytime) I tend to gravitate toward the male of the species.

I have also never been hurt by a male friend the way I have by female friends...EVER. Yeah, they tick me off and frustrate me like anyone else...but all in all, guys just seem to "get" me. So, given the choice of being stuck on an island with one or the other...I'll take a guy any day!

Tuesday, March 23, 2004



Sunday, March 14, 2004

Dear Jessica...


This week our theme is "Dear Celebrity..." I chose Jessica Simpson.

Dear Jessica,

I think Nick should let you get a Maltese! :)

Seriously though, as I watch "The Newlyweds" off and on, I wonder "what the heck is she thinking?" There are also times that I wonder how you appear so spoiled being the child of a Youth Pastor. Being a YP myself...I find it confusing...really funny...but confusing. I think I have gone back and forth over the past couple years trying to decide what I think of you...not that it matters either way or that you'd care...but I find that I really do like you and wish both you and Nick much success.

I think it was back in December when I watched "Driven" on VH1. Hearing your story and what you have had to deal with because of your looks was so sad and I think will send a message to all girls that we get picked matter how "perfect" one may appear. I admit, I do wonder what your career would look like with the Christian record labels hadn't been so shortsighted several years back.

One thing that struck me and angered me was when the record company wanted you to drop weight. Oh my don't have any weight to lose and I was sad to hear you originally gave in and lost the weight. Thank God you have such a wonderful support system around you that you did not fall into the trap that could have turned into an eating disorder. I know there are young girls that look up to both you and your sister and I think it is so encouraging for them to see you eat "real food!"

But, I think the main reason I am wiring to you is this:

"With You" (In This Skin)

The real me is a southern girl with her Levis on and an open heart
Wish I could say the save the world, like I was super girl
The real me is to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love
But lately I've been jaded life got so complicated

I'm still thinking about it almost forgot what it was like
Do you know what it feels like?
Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you
With you
Now that I'm with you

You speak and it's like a song
And just like that all my walls come down
It's like a private joke just meant for us to know
I relate to you naturally
Everybody else just fades away
Sometimes it's hard to breathe
Just knowing you found me
Cuz I'm still thinking about it almost forgot what it was like
Do you know what it feels like?
Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you
With you

Come and take me
Love you save me
Like nobody else
Now I can be myself
With you

With you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now (Baby as I do now)
Now that I'm with you

You became news all over the world...but you and Nick waited and these lyrics are the fruit of that waiting. The first time I saw the video I loved the way you could laugh at yourself and the first season of your show...that was awesome.

On "Irresistable," you put "His Eye is on the Sparrow" on your CD...hold tight to those lyrics and continue to stay true to you!

Saturday, March 13, 2004


I am so tired of getting my words twisted around in another venue I am involved in.

I feel not needed there anyway and am thinking of bailing...the hurt and stress and misunderstanding of my words is not worth it anymore. Not that I'd leave anyone high and dry...I'll do what I am committed to do...but they don't need me and I feel like everything I post now becomes twisted and I come off looking like a anal retentive, dictator control freak. Not worth the drama of this week and being slammed for sharing an opinion over what I saw in another post.

It is so not worth the frustration.

Friday, March 12, 2004


Your a Guradien Angel! Guardien Angels are also
knows as Warrior Angels, because they are the
army of God. Not always meaning that they are
in war, simply that their job is to protect
unwary humans from dark dragons, or other evil
demons. Warrior Angels are not always friendly
with humans, but they will watch over them all
the time. Humans say that when a miracle
happens, thank your guradien angel.

What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, March 08, 2004

I Confess...


Loaded topic. Here we go!

I confess...

I have gone off my anti-d's because I hate them. I hate having to take them, I hate that they may not even be working anymore, I hate that my brain misfires.

I am slowly heading toward Nofoodsville. I am tired of the effort it takes to remember to eat, that it is not automatic and that with other health lack o' eating doesn't make a difference one way or another anyway. I hate my body.

The feelings that were going on that almost got me hospitalized at Christmas have not gone away. Each time I go away someplace I debate if that is the place it will be done.

I have been dreaming about cutting, that I can see that I "trance out" at times when the feeling strikes and that there are times I really don't care if I give in.

At this moment I am sooooo hungry (and smelling the neighbors steaks on the BBQ didn't help)...but I miss the control/high of not eating and so I choose not to eat.

I know that things can be different...that things HAVE been different, but I don't remember how I got there nor how to get back.

I want it...but I don't. I am almost 34 1/2 years old and have nothing to show for it. That is pathetic.

Saturday, March 06, 2004

I Can be a Control Freak...but Domineering? Hmmm...

You are an individual. Ones are independant,
focused, single-minded, and determined. In
other words, you set a goal and stick to it.
You're are a leader and an inventor. Which is
all very good. On the other hand, you find it
difficult to work with others and don't like to
take orders. You can be self-centered and
domineering. Probably why Ones are often

What does your name and arithmacy say about you? (some simple knowledge of adding is required on your part)
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Friday, March 05, 2004

So Yesterday

I shouldn't be surprised, but she acted like nothing happened.

Of course, my shopping trip to try and make her happy was a waste because I "bought the wrong chicken." Ummm...hone roated would have tasted icky in a Mexican chicken I went with the Southwest. Nothing is ever, ever, ever good enough.

I have gone just over a week without cutting...some slips while in Chicago (I think I ruined a t-shirt), but have been bearing down and not giving in no matter how much I want to. I don't want to disappoint Rob. I haven't purged in 10 weeks and that battle is actually getting a little easier...but it is such a trade off with cutting. I know it doesn't need nor have to be an either or...but no one gets the drive to have some means of punishing myself.

Rob is finally getting that me saying I am lazy, selfish, mean, rude, a phony, stupid, idiotic, etc. isn't a simple we all can be one or all of those things. I mean, even in my stupidness I do silly/stupid things (i.e. leave the back door unlocked) that I can brush off as people do these things...but it goes to the core of who I am.

I know there are other perspectives, I know that it doesn't have to be that way...but stuoid little "catch it, challenge it, change it" quoted are not helpful! Rob doesn't say that...he wants me to get the new perspective thing, but he is quickly realizing that little "therapist lingo" stuff does not help at all because it misses the point.

I kind of feel bad knowing that while he is at the "Tragic Kingdom" and "California Misadventure" that he is surrounded by my presence and can't get away from me even there. He knows how much I love those places and how much of it is so imprinted on my heart and mind that trivia will got hrough his head. Like, he will be exiting "Pirates of the Caribbean" and look up and know that that is where Club 33 is located because I told him and he didn't know it was there.

I wish I were there...not with him and his family...but with my friend Anna. I miss it. I miss just going in and out of the shops on Main St., getting a vanilla frozen yogurt, going on the Haunted Mansion as Anna and I drive them all nuts by repeating the spiel. Driving the skipper of the Jungle Cruise nuts because we beat him/her to their punchlines, the awesome pasta dish we share in Tomorrowland, getting matching hates, etc.

It gave me an outlet, it gave me a chance to relax a bit...I used to love to take my Bible to the Hungry Bear restaurant and go in the very back. No one, even in the summer, really sat all the way back there and I could watch the trains and boats go by.

I miss CA and riding Soaring Over CA with my shoes off...

There are times I'd go back to the "Hour of Power" to get that all be able to live on my own again.

I am just feeling that urgency to escape and be at peace no matter what the cost...because what I am living now is not living.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Okay, Sir...

You are Marcie!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
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I'm Defective...

Today with Rob was not fun. It was hard and frustrating and that was just from his end! It was from mine, too. We went the whole hour and only stopped because he had someone waiting. He and his family leave for Disneyland tomorrow(tonight???) and so I am pretty sure he stacked us up!

Anyway, I get home and proved my point to him. My mom likes the chicken bowls from Taco Bell so I stopped at the store to get the stuff to make our own. I get in the house and she tells me she opened a piece of mail she thought was addressed to her...yeah...right!

Anyway, it was an old bill that I am taking care of and that is really none of her business. So, she goes on to tell me that she is not going to bail me out (did I ask? No. do I need "bailed out?" No.). So much for doing dinner together.

I go into the living room and she gets up and leaves and goes to her room. She won't talk to me, won't acknowledge me in any way, shape or form.

I wish to God she would have gotten an illegal abortion when she found out she was pregnant with me. Anything would be better than living this life...

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Letting it Go...

I just emailed the YP at Hillside and asked my name be taken out of the "final four" for the junior high position. I was excited to make it to the final stage, I wanted to interview for it...but over the last week before Chicago, I began to question my motives and as long as I do can't be right.

Rob and I talked about it during our phone session in Chicago and he pointed out that no one ever has 100% pure motives to do certain things and I get that...but I don't feel good about my motives for this and if I went forward and then got the job, I would hate to have to say no. He was actually trying to talk me out of doing this, but said he'd support me no matter what. When I gave him my decision in session yesterday, he didn't say a whole lot and moved on to something else.

I may end up regretting it, but right now I think it is the right thing to do.

Monday, March 01, 2004