Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Excessive? Me?

I didn't win the BLTM contest. I am actually not sure how much of a shot I really had...but I did come in 5th! I am trying to be positive about it and coming in 5th and that fact I was able to lose almost 30 pounds in 12 weeks while battling ( with) PCOS is actually pretty cool.

The last two weeks I started kicking up my cardio. I LOVE cardio. I could do cardio for a long time and not care in the least. Give me my ipod, some great stuff on said ipod, a bottle of water and a towel and I'm good to go! I was doing one hour of cardio each time I hit the gym. Now I try to do between and hour and fifty minutes and two hours. The above machine, along with the elliptical, are my machines of choice.

I honestly do not see 2 hours as excessive. At least not now. Maybe when I hit my IBW, maybe if I dipped below my bottom range...but not now. My dietitian, however, told me it was excessive and to listen to my body. Hmmm... If it were excessive I think my body would not be happy. So good.

This is the TMI part of it (so feel free to stop reading) all. I run my hand down my arms and I can feel the muscles in my arms. It's pretty amazing as my upper body is a zillion times weaker than my lower body. All that standing at the HP has helped I'm sure. I have been working my upper body ( whole body) with strength training and I can feel the results even if one can't SEE them. The extra skin, however, is becoming an issue.

My thighs are the same way. The cross trainer along with the strength training has made them stronger and again you can see it in my quads when I kinda flex them. BUT...and I think this is another thing with the cannot tell because my thighs are HUGE. This isn't body image's true. It's not the natural "spread" when one sits down. This is you can tell I have lost weight there but there is so much extra skin and stuff that my legs looks worse now that when I was 30 pounds heavier.

I was reading an article in "Clean Cooking" magazine about a supplement that could help with it and it may be working, but makes the extra skin thing worse. For the first time I might actually be able to say I have pretty good legs...but that just ruins it.

I am hoping/praying as the weight continues to come off this will rectify itself somewhat. I was truly horrified last night.

After a day break it is back to the gym and back to my 2 hours on cardio and 30 minutes or so of strength training. This will be "discussed" with Toni on Friday. Ugh!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Not a Bigger Loser Than Marko...

...the man LOST over 60 pounds! Without totally falling into ED behaviors I couldn't even hope to have done that! That is so awesome!

My final weight loss is just under 30 pounds. Had we been able to go the weekend (like every other week) I would have hit it for sure. Had I not taken a gym break when I was crazy busy I would have made my goal.

So, I have quite a bit to go until I hit the top of my IBW, another three months stint like this after that to get to the bottom. My guess is my the end of the year, if all goes as planned and I don't pig out on vacation, I can get to my mid-range.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Weird Dreams...

The last couple of nights I have had a couple weird dreams. You have seen my picture...I have not now nor will ever need an NG tube...but that's what has been going on in my dreams.

I am at some really, really bad treatment center...not that you can't find ways no matter where you are...but in this dream this is a particularly bad center. For some odd reason, I am there and even odder have an NG tube. I am not any thinner than I am now so I have no clue why I'd have one, except maybe that has always been a fear of mine.

Maybe it's the lack of food. No, this weekend I ate and feel like I ate and ate and ate. Two days of feeling a little dizzy, a little lightheaded and just a little "off" forced me to eat way more than I probably have in any other four day period in weeks. Of course, in terms of the contest, I lost NOTHING last week and am not so sure about this week. I work tonight through Saturday at the HP and today through Sunday at church. I need to at least get cardio in three days this week. Granted, today and Thursday I will be doing a lot of standing. I assume the samw thing for Rascal Flatts on Friday...but Wednesday and Saturday I SIT the whole time. Grrrr....

I had a strange but good session with Rob. He told me, AGAIN, he won't get all uptight about my silences and that maybe I need them. I emailed him later and told him I hoped he meant it because he has said it before and it hasn't lasted long. I think if he really means it that will actually help stop the lapses into silence because I won't feel pressured to hurry up and say something. He also told me that he will no longer ask me if I have cut or purge. He will leave it up to me to talk to him about urges or if I actually do either. That being said, if I wait weeks to tell him that would probably mean either termination or a break. That's fine. In 3 1/2 years I have not slipped with purging and only had one incident of SI last June.

The "funny" thing is he is not concerned with the restriction...which ED is having a field day with. He told me that at least I am eating something. I won't go into calorie counts...but he is right. I am eating something. Forget the fact that I walked around Whole Food for an HOUR last Thursday before I could find something that was OK for me to eat. The zucchini from the hot self serve deli was really good and the roasted mushroom salad wasn't too bad either...even if it was pasta.

I saw Toni on Friday and told her that no matter how much I am struggling and am, of course, not sorry about the weight loss, that I take no pleasure in what's happening. I hate that I am struggling and at the same time have no clue how to stop it. Please, please, please don't say "just stop" or "eat more" because that does not work and food honest to goodness plain scares me right now. I know what to do, but it's like I am frozen and can't/won't take those steps.

I think one of the hardest things about the contest is reading about how people won't eat this or that and I suppose it's a blessing I do hear Toni's voice telling me there are no good or bad foods. Food is food and all is allowed in moderation! Even where i am now that gives me a little freedom. If I want toast...I am going to eat toast. Okay, my food choices are pretty much limited to veggies and toast. Seriously. Unless I am pressed or in a position to have to eat something else...that's all I eat anymore. Oh...grapes. During my hour of walking Whole Foods I bought grapes. But that's it. I don't eat anything else much.

ED basically tells me that if everyone else in the contest isn't eating X, Y or Z then I can top that and not eat A-U. I need to stop listening to ED. But part of me figures why bother? Nineteen years...he has been in my brain for nineteen years in some way, shape or form. What if I have used all my chances to recover? What if the best I can get is a way to live with ED without doing major damage to my body? I am beginning to wonder. If I fall flat on my face there will be no IP again.

Yet even as I type all this out, I firmly believe in full recovery. I KNOW people who have and/or in the process. I think I may be questioning if that is going to happen for me.

Friday, April 04, 2008

I Could Die Happy...

That was my Tuesday night!