Sunday, August 31, 2003

Well, I actually made it three days without cutting...until really early this morning. I so need to get a grip on that. The purging is bad enough...but the cutting is's kinda sick that I can't wait until cooler weather so I have my arms availaable again. I shouldn't even be thinking that way! Someone remind me to tell Rob what is going through my head. Ugh...

I has emailed him on Friday letting him know of my freakiness that he was really going to terminate me no matter what he said and I got a short but VERY reassuring email back from him:

"Perhaps the reason I keep dear ole Frederick here is so you'll come back!! :)
Got your fax - I'm here and committed more than you realize!
See you Thurs and I hope you have some good days and follow your menu!!"

He looks at this for my best interest...but my best interest is to be with HIM and have that consistency. It just plays on my worst fears of being left and given up on by my treatment team and my fears of abandonment in general. Just knowing he is committed for the long haul puts my mind at ease.

But, I really DO need to get a grip on all this. Ih I hadn't have gained so much weight since I got home I'd be okay. I don't even know HOW I did...I thought I was being careful. But, I know if I just do what I need will come off...but I want it to come off NOW because I have clothes I alreadt can't's so darn stupid.

God will not give me anything I can't handle. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle recovery...that "normalcy" is so "abnormal" that I can't handle it. But, I also know that God wants me healthy and wants to be able to use this someday. I have spent my entire adult life with ED and before that plain disordered eating...I think that is why I clong sometimes...I have no clue how to live without it...except in short spurts. But that is so not the life God wants for any of us.

I need to prep. for Children's Church and SS...

Friday, August 29, 2003

So, Rob sees the cuts on my legs and we talk about my daily purging as of late. Then he drops the bomb on me. He asks me if, despite the connection and trust, I should maybe see someone else at the center. That maybe there is just something that he can't provide...and at the very least he wanted to consult with another therapist.

I looked at him and said no...I wanted to stay with him and that consulting with the other therapist is fine. Then he promised me that he was with me for the long haul. He asked me what I was hearing him say...I told him, "You want to get rid of me." Prior to that he did say that he isn't trying to do that or abandon me...he wants what is best for me. I heard it, but didn't...ya know? So, after I said that he says, "So, I do know you well don't I?" So as it stands he is going to talk to another therapist about me and he's not going anywhere. It's going to take me a bit to convince myself that he really means what he says and that he's not going to pawn me off on someone else. I won't do it. I am SICK of playing musical therapists and come November, I will have been with him for a whole year...a feat I haven't been able to accomplish ever.

He also talked about if this slide continues that I may need to go back to LIFE. That's will not happen no matter what because the money is simply NOT going to be there in any way, shape or form. I just need to dig myself out. I cannot believe how much I have lapsed this past month. I think what some of it comes down to is that I should have gone back to Rio and done it all over again instead of just going to LIFE.

So, I need to start trusting my meal plan and working on all this. I refuse to believe that I will not fully recover and that my time at LIFE was wasted! I know it wasn't. I am just really scared.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

So, here I am almost two weeks later and a lot has changed. I still need $5,000, but other than that I am settling into "contnetment." I haven't heard back from the church in Saratoga, but I have things that need doing here and I cannot put it off any longer. Not to mention I have a whole NEW program I need to develop for Sunday nights starting in three weeks.

Yesterday, almost for the first time, I really and truly processed something really important with Rob. I think for the last month or so I have been, on a subconcious level, punishing myself for not being able to go on the Mission Trip, for the time I missed with the youth group, etc. Saturday afternoon I actually expressed the words in a post on the YS Boards. Dawn wated no time in telling me to not even go down that road. So yesterday, instead of doing any EMDR prep work we processed through those feelings. As Rob takes Radical Acceptance of the situation.

Waiting would have made it all worse. I would have done the kids no good and I would have been a mess on the mission trip. I would have had to probably do Rio all over had a waited another FOUR months before leaving. That is the true reality of the situation. At the rate I was going those four months could have placed a whole lot of stuff in danger. It's a loss and I think it's been grieved and time to move on.

The hard part about THAT is the fact that I have lapsed so badly as far as behaviors are concerned that it is going to take some real determination and work to get me back on track. I am so "carbophobic" that I cannot stand to eat them in their "grain" form without purging. I do Boost in the morning with fruit, maybe or maybe not eat lunch and then purge dinner. Scary thing is I am not losing weight. Not that losing weight is a goal (although I would like to lose what I have gained since coming home) right now...but it proves the whole metabolism thing. I think I need to do my menu TONIGHT and take it with me tomorrow when I see Toni.

God has so totally blessed me with my team here. The more Rob and I do some really good work (which pre-LIFE I know I wasn't always doing) and the more Toni and I chip away at my food fears I know that with them and and my faith that there will be full recovery. It is just going to take longer than I want. But hey...I can't name a time when God's timing for me has been WRONG. I may not always like it...but it's always big picture and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Learning to live without ED is scary. It's "comfortable" for me. It's familiar...but ultimately it is destructive to not only me...but to those around me. I know in the long run I will not regret this journey. God is going to (and has) use it in ways I can't dream about now. But right now...the going through it...stinks!

Sunday, August 10, 2003

Geesh...well the mission trip is over, the kids are back and I hate even hearing about the trip yet I torture myself be asking those who were at church today. They decided to come back a day early (drove from PHX to San Jose in one day) and so a couple of the kids and 2 of the 3 adults were at church. I've spent most of the day in tears just thinking about it.

The SI is back with a vengence.

Had my interview last Tuesday. I hope to hear this week.

Trying to figure out if recovery is worth it.

I need $5,000.

I need sleep.

I'm sick of being needy.

YS turned me down for the NYWC.

On a positive note the 49ers won yesterday and Mooch got a victory for the Lions! Woo hoo! Go Mooch!

Friday, August 01, 2003

So, last night I am leaving my apartment for a well deserved yet shouldn't have spent the money Iced Venti Non-Fat White Chocolate Mocha. As I shut my door, a limo pulls into our driveway. The guy who was driving owns a couple from what I understand and was probably coming back from the gas station. He stops, puts the window down and starts playing 20 questions with me. I was entirely weirded out and couldn't wait until he realized I wasn't interested and drove away.

I won't go into all the issues on WHY it weirded me out...but it did. I have such huge body image issues and this does not help. I did not feel flattered, I did not feel good that some random guy wanted to talk to me...I'm not sure what I felt...but ick.

I keep repeating one of my body affirmations that my therapist at Remuda "made" me (literally...I couldn't leave until I did this and that made her late to her 2:00 Emotion Regulation Group)...Curves are what make me a woman! Blech! ;)

And, the youth group left for the mission trip today... I am so glad I got here after they left. About 1:00 AM it hit me why I couldn't sleep...I should be on that trip heading to Magic Mountain right now.

I have an hour left here then I get to start my weekend...starting with a trip to the grocery store, lunch and then the gym...followed by a stop at Big Lots...I need a 12" fry pan...I miss having a big pan like that and I used it all the time at LIFE.

I am trying do what Toni suggested and set a place and eat at the table...even though I am alone. Did it at breafast and actually made myself a "hot" b'fast. I scrambled an egg to go with the rest of my meal.

Such an exciting life! :)