Monday, March 31, 2003

Going to try and make this quick. Darn it! I almost really starting crying with Rob'd think after last night's stuff that I would be all ready to with no problems. Mary saw me cry. Not to mention the fact that she tried to get me to eat a bit of roast beef from a Togo's sandwich. I couldn't. I was so hungry, but I was too scared to try. While a bunch of people saw what happened yesterday...or what could have happened had I not decided to "hold the wall up," no one saw me stand up and fall down when I was alone. So, I pretty much melted down last night...but before youth group ended...kinda of just shut off.

So, I tell this to Rob, who doesn't say much. I told him when the last time I had food and how I wanted to get rid of the pizza aand salad two hours after eating...but would have been wasted effort...I think he was glad I didn't purge. So, I take his lack of "whatever" to mean he doesn't think I need to eat either because I am an elephant. I'd better stop mentioning any off the food stuff to him until some of this changes because right now I am choosing to let "ED" win these fights and that won't be good because I can see down the line of my thinking and it won't help.

Hey...but after all that emotion and no food I dropped 2 pounds this weekend so I keep think why should I start eating now? Rob doesn't seem to think I need food, I sure as heck don't want it much myself and well...if I find a way around my almost passing'll be good. Or I'll be dead...

Which was where our session was heading until I backed off and just couldn't go there. My fault as takes me too long to get where I need to go because even if I walk in job, sports, etc. take over. I used to do it to Greg as well...but he usually shut me up after about 5-10 minutes. Anyway, he had asked me a question about punishing myself or whatever...I gave some answer and thought he would follow it up with "Why?" Which would have been a great lead-in...but that didn't happen. So, then after he got some other stuff out of me...he asked me what I was thinking. All I could tell him was that it wasn't good. I tried...the harder I tried to argue with myself the worse it got and I couldn't do it. Then there was the inevitable, "What do you think would happen if you did share?" I have NO clue and not sure I want to find out. He already told me a few months ago that he wouldn't just "toss me into a hospital" as I have been threatened with before...but I guess I figure since these feelings aren't new and in February (I think...may end of January) we talked about it a little after I was okay...that to bring it up again has got to be annoying and if I meant it I would shut about it and do it. Okay, not a good thing to put thoughts in HIS head (he is a lot better and arguing with me all by himself then me coming close to ever knowing what is going through his head...probably a good thing), but I think there is truth to it.

Anyway, my 72 hour no food thing ends tonight...and I am debating the additonal 24 hours for people seeing me dizzy rule I added yesterday before people saw me. It'd be 48, but I was okay until I got to my car after seeing Rob...then I had to sit there for like 10 minutes so I could drive.

Sunday, March 30, 2003

I %$^&%$# can't even walk up a flight of stairs without almost passing out! But, I still maintain as long as my labs are fine then it's all a figment of my imagination and I can push through it. Plus, I have the voice reminding me what will happen if I dare to eat.

Have no clue what therapy is going to be like tomorrow. I haven't emailed him a bunch...a couple short ones with this link and one I sent to both him and Toni about eating the damn piece of pizza and being in pain and wanting to still purge, etc. I don't think I have even called which is so not like me. Okay, I admit I am hurt by what he said Thursday, but it's not like I didn't know that he couldn't read all my emails...I guess I just chose to ignore it. It finally sunk in...but as I said here on Thursday...or maybe it was an email to him...anyway...I told him letting me email would be a bad I am making myself pay for being an idiot as usual. Maybe I should get a new tattoo with "LOSER" on my forehead...would make a great conversation piece.

Maybe this self-moratorium of "no emails" is the best possible thing I could have done...with this outlet...and here again is the problem...I have this...if I do the blog thing than the feelings are pretty much gone...well buried anyway...and then maybe I STILL won't be able to be really open with him.

I know...I know...why do I bother going to see Rob or Toni in the first place? I have thought a lot about that and today I figured it out. As much as I just want to disappear...there is a small part of me that still wants to fight...sooner or later either that part will get stronger OR I will die. I am not sure how much hope I hold out for the former...but until the latter happens, there is still a chance for me.
Another day...but a beautiful CA one at that!

I am really glad I finally got to one of Ben's games! They lost, but really came on strong at the end. After, it was off to Lindsay's play. Oh my gosh! Lindsay was beautiful and her character was the "anti-Lindsay." I may not have the "right," but I was so proud of her! I tried to give her mom the money for ticket and Dianr wouldn't take it...they wanted to buy my ticket. I so don't deserve this.

Next week is full of the kids' sports events and Tori's play. I am really looking forward to all of it. VCHS JV Volleyball rarely has more than parents at their games so I want to be there to support him and the school. Okay...the coach is pretty cute...but I bet a good 10 years younger than me... ;)

Day 2 of the No Food punishment for the pizza. I hated myself so much when I got up this morning and the scale dropped a whopping 1/2 pound. Made my resolve even ED is yelling at me so loud right now about it. But, I HAVE to have milk with one of my meds or I get so sick and with no food in my body since pizza and salad on Friday...I have to have it or else it could be bad.

I'll save anyone reading what the "voice" is saying, though I need to write it down for Toni. I hate doing it...not because I don't want her to know (except then "it" demands more from me for being all talky girl and sharing all that stuff...huge No-No), but because it...I dunno...even I will admit that if I were a parent and changed the words a bit I would get hauled in for verbal abuse of my child.

Sometimes, besides the whole "disappearing act" part of wanting to die, I think it is because I am living in this place where I KNOW what God says about us, I KNOW how He feels about us, I KNOW all this "stuff," and I find the "fact" I cannot see that for ME right now unbearable and it makes me a HUGE hypocrite. But, maybe that is what makes me a good youth worker. If I struggle with that than I am going to make sure "my kids" know the truth and will never doubt (okay..never say never...but you get the drift) how special they are to the God who created them. And, I try to show them in tangible ways like going to the plays and sports events. I mean....I WANT to be there...great perk of the job...but I also hope that by me being there and see how much they mean to me...I can turn that around and let them see how much they mean to God.

Anyway, I need to find the tape for the Crop Walk that has disappeared off my desk and get that set up, make sure all my rooms are ready for this morning and I'm off and running...

Saturday, March 29, 2003

This wasn't going to be an everyday thing, but I left the ticket and directions to Lindsay's play here at the office. DUH! I am so least I have it now.

I slept until 9:30 this morning...I woke up a few times...but pretty much stayed asleep and yet I am still really tired and if this wasn't going to be the only shot at seeing Ben play hockey, I would skip it and sleep until I had to leave for the play.

I was truly convinced that what I ate last night was going to make me gain didn't...which blows my mind and I am not sure what to think. other than my jeans and khaki's are too big now, but I really can't replace them. They are wearable so as long as they are I can deal.

One thing I am finding is that I am isloating more...give a half dozen people this site address so they can look if they want, but I don't have to know...not letting Kim know I am going to the kids' plays and stuff so I can go alone, not returning calls, etc. I'm split somewhere between hating it and loving it. Sometimes I think the YS Forum is my only link to the outside world...and even at that I almost want to disappear from there again. No one really notices if I am there or not...until I go whining about my failure to get my ED act together. It was like this 3 years ago and in some ways it doesn't bother me. Work, youth and three appointments a week is about all I CAN handle right now...but to have to be all "social butterfly," is just not something I am up to anymore.

When I first got home from Remuda, Switchfoot has just released the "Learning to Breathe" single. With the new CD out, they are playing it a lot again lately. I still love the song and it meant so much to me those first few months and was something I was living. Gosh...I sound like "Ally McBeal." I never watched it every week (save for when Robert Downey, Jr. was on), but Tracy Ulman played a therapist who saw both Ally and John Cage. I guess they were supposed to come up with their own "theme song" for their life. But, I guess we all kind of do that...part of the reason why music is so powerful. You hear a certain song and it evokes memories, emotions, etc. I hear Jars' "Hand"and I think of Marc Houck, I hear "Evidence of God," "Fly" (Sugar Ray) and other pop music from summer 1997 and I remember the summer I was Program Director at Laurel Pines, etc.

"Learning to Breathe" was what I was doing when I got home. I remember thinking that feeling was such a scary thing...but so worth it. I remember thinking that I was WORTH fighting for when the first T I saw after coming home from Remuda was not a good fit...probably wasn't before...but I was in such a holding pattern before I went I didn't care.

Don't know what song I would apply to my life right now. Not sure there is one.

"Only then will something as harmless as a slice of pizza feel safe and okay." Got that as an email back from Toni. I get to write down what good 'ol ED says when/if I eat. It had a field day with the pizza last night.

How can pizza be okay? This is how I ended the email to her: "Feeling what bones I can feel right now is so...I don’t know...comforting...reassuring me that I am disappearing...but I need to do more...they aren’t visible enough under all this fat."

As much as I want to die...I know there is more...but each day I am getting more and more tired and less and less motivated to fight for the "more." I know I have to do it myself (well...not know what I mean)...but I can't figure out the "why."

Friday, March 28, 2003

I just got back from playing laser tag was supposed to be a YOUTH GROUP activity and ir turned into an "All About John" night. John is the kid in the last post. So, he saved his allowance to make sure he'd have the money so we went and he had the undivided attention of three leaders and he was so cool with that! :) In fact, out of the $20...he went home with $12. I bought his first game, Bill & Kim p/u the pizza tab so nhe only bought his second game!

Today Toni, my awesome dietian, challenged me to eat pizza. So, while the guys ate a medium pizza with meat (pepperoni & sausage)...Kim and I got a small olive & mushroom. So, I also ordered a one trip salad bar as well. Here I am, almost two hours later feeling sick...but I did it. I had about a piece. I had Kim keep me accountable and when I took the piece she said that didn't qualify as a whole slice..but that was all she was saying. So, I ate part of another one. I want to purge...I want the pain to go away...this is the most food I have since Mt. Hermon a couple weeks ago. I don't like it at all.

Tomorrow is Ben's hockey game, Lindsay's play and hopefully I can sleep in before all this. If I don't, I may go riding...I need a horse!
Another morning and I woke up...still the mixed feelings about it.

After John's volleyball game (John is a Soph. in my YG) I came back to the office to check email, IM's with Birkey for a bit and went home. After uncontrollably crying for almost two hours, out came the blade and I hacked away at my stomach. My arms are so scarred now it's not that is pretty much the last place I have left to cut...and ample space in which to do it. At least I can say I didn't purge! Of course, I had a whopping 38 calories yesterday so what's to purge?

So, I woke up to my normal routine...get up, weigh myself, get ready and head here. I had started to read "The Purpose Driven Life" but it has disappeared from my office...which is plain I'll do some reading after this and send the kids my little devo for the day.

My mind is absolutely spinning right now. I hate to face Toni today because I made food goal exactly ZERO times. However, I did stick to the stepping down of the diet pills and that's a good thing.

My mind keeps going over and over and over yesterday's session and the complete idiot I made of myself in there. It's easy here to say I should just answer the question of how I am because by and large it hasn't changed. I want to disappear...control & disappearing...the two things that I "get" from the ED. That and wrist bones, collarbones, etc. I have this cool bracelet a friend sent me just over a year ago and it used to fit around my wrist...not anymore. My watch either.

I wish I could put a name to what I described yesterday as this huge ball of emotional pain that I want to purge out or cut out when it comes. I don't know...all I know about it is that it hurts and I want it out and I want it out now...but I don't know why it's there or what is causing it (specifically).

Some of it comes from yesterday...I just feel like I said some very wrong things yesterday or not in the right ways and it's taking whatever strength I have NOT to call Rob and just blurt it all out. I know I emailed too much...I warned him when he gave me his email that I could become way too dependent on the written word and I was right. If he's told me once, he's told me a thousand times that he can't always read all of think it would have sunk in by now...well it has now and no more calls, no more email until I can use them properly. Not his stance...mine. But yeah, it hurts a little to know that while some of it was just fluff stuff...some of it keeps me safe and I think I am the only one who cares about keeping me safe.

The Internet can be a dangerous tool. I was able to go online and figure out the highest dose of my sleeping meds someone could take and still more than likely live without damage. Then I figured it would take me 6 months to get enough to possibly do the job since I am pretty sensitive to the meds anyway. I like my MD...but he handed over a new prescription this week no questions asked...I probably could have gotten him to give me 10 mg. pills instead of 5.

How I am able to function with the kids and my leaders is a gift from God because while a couple of the leaders know what's one knows 100% how I am truly doing. Tonight we will play Laser Tag and I will have fun...we will go for pizza and I'll get a salad...tomorrow I will go see Ben play hockey and go from there to Lindsay's play...and I will love every minute of it.

I watch my kids and I thank God for them and their families. I know from time to time they all have their complaints about each other..."typical" growing up stuff...but I watch Tricia sit on her dad's lap, Drew come over (he's in 6th grade) and kiss his mom & dad on the cheek before he moves up to the balcony for worship, The Lee's wanting God's best in the area of relationships with boys...and I know they all make mistakes because no one is perfect and I am not saying these kids will NOT run into some heavy problems...but if they do they are going to have parent's who will come alongside them and love them...NOT compete with them, NOT blame a guy leaving the house the other day on me, NOT think the answer to everything is food...etc., etc.

I was reading the 2nd chapter of PDL which was aptly named, "You are NOT an Accident." I strugglewith that a lot. What Rick Warren said in his book made sense and was very encouraging...but I wonder if there will ever be a day I won't feel like I am one and need to be taken off this earth to set things right.

Thursday, March 27, 2003


Therapy today...augh! Another one of those, "How are we doing? What is working and what isn't working for you? I know you fear ME terminating you, but at times I wonder of you will call and say you won't be coming back. I do get frustrated because you know that I know that you are feeling awful about yourself but we talk around it" sessions. I hate them, we do them way too often, but I blame myself for that. I am not exactly big chat girl unless it's sports, youth group, the Oscars, Jars of Clay...anything so I don't hear the question I don't know HOW to answer which is how I am doing...but we pushed through some of the B.S. today and really talked about it. At least as much as I was able.

Like I said in the has always been about the control. Have I "enjoyed" the benefit of losing weight? As I sit here in my cute Old Navt T-shirt and my Tommy Hilfger denim skirt...I would be lying if I said no. Of course, it gets to that point...the point where the ONLY point of eating and purging (I don't binge) or staying under 500 calories a day is because I WANT to get out of ED-NOS hell and be the anorexic my heart "longs" for. To starve myself into numbness, to subsisting and eventually dying. I sure as heck don't want to be bulimic (don't ask...I may be a bit overweight...but tests show I full on have the anorexic mind set) and I am afraid if I do eat....besides living...I'll turn into a Compulsive Overeater.

NONE of this makes sense in light of my profession, my faith and how I know I can be...but there we have it. Dying the slow way while at the same time praying that I find a way to live and be what God wants me to be...not what the ED Voice (whatever that is) says I am.

Today, I actually said the words. If I show emotion in our sessions...I HAVE to be punished. It's what I grew up's what I's what I let go of for a brief time and I liked was scary...but I liked it seems like I can never get it back...that I have used up all my chances for recovery...that no matter how hard I try and fight and eat and talk and do all the things I am supposed to's too late for me. My mom is convinced it is going to kill me, I had a therapist once tell me I should pray and see if this is God's will I die this way...and she was a "Christian" therapist.

Food...hate it/like it/hate it/am scared of it...had the therapist I saw before Rob (the week before actually) tell me that I shouldn't worry about eating because I don't need to force calories. Which translates into, "You are a beached whale and you can go a long time without having to eat." So, that had fed into this whole thing because bozo he may be...but because he is a therapist...he "must" know what he is talking about and I should pay attention. that makes a whole lot of sense...but welcome to my world. I must have a problem with authority in the REVERSE order. Therapist said it, it must be true.

The other side of that one is the "good" stuff I have heard stays in my mind...but doesn't overpower the other stuff. I had a therapist tell me about 3 1/2 years ago he wished I could see what he does when he looks at me. I remember I wanted to cling to every word and remember it because even if I didn't believe him at the time...I knew he meant it and wasn't just saying it to make me "whatever:" happy, less sad, less suicidal...I dunno. But, he told me I was passionate and beautiful (he was deluded on that one) and I couldn't drink in the rest...I have no idea. I think it sticks not because I believe it (okay...passionate about my job and working with kids/youth), but because the intensity in his voice that day.

I can't believe I said all this.

Sometimes I don't think Rob thinks I am serious when I talk about suicidal feelings. But, they are there and they are getting harder to push away. I think the way I choose to fight them is the eating disorder. It's a slow suicide they say. Slow enough that if I can ever DO anything I should be doing in therapy...I have time to reverse it all. There is an end of this one way or another.

My bloodwork came back fine as usual so I am NOT malnourished, the dizzy spells and fatigue are all in my head I guess and sometimes I feel like this isn't real. This is some game I can stop any time I want. Fourteen years later and I can' least not for longer than a few months...but when tests come back can what I am doing be wrong?
Okay...I wasn't sure about this...but "my twin" thought it would be here goes!

A bit of background first...

My eating disorder began probably all through my "growing up years," because food was NEVER normal in my house. But, the first thing that lead to where I am today happened at 19 when I was a Jr. in college and my life seemed out of control. To me it seemed as if they only I had control of was what (if anything) I ate and if I kept it down or not. Fourteen years later, I am still struggling, still trying to fight and to try and do it all before it kills me...depending on who you ask..that may or may not happen.