Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I Hate, Loathe and Despise Food...

That title isn't even that close to an understatement. If I had the choice...I wouldn't eat. I know I DO have the choice...but I mean the choice without the inevitable ramifications of not eating.

I started breakfast almost 2 1/2 hours ago. I am getting ready to eat the banana now. I had a bran muffin about 7:15 this morning. I am really losing steam with this whole thing. I trashed my cottage cheese yesterday. It has nothing to do with it being cottage cheese. I LIKE the stuff. It had more to do with it being food. Since this whole eating three times a day is again a relatively new concept for me...I am really sticking with "safe foods" for breakfast: the muffins, fruit and cottage cheese. It's odd...if this was going to be my ONLY meal of the day...I'd branch out, but it's not so I reign it all in and do what is safe.

One wold think that after almost two weeks of this so called "normalcy," the roar of hunger would die down. Not so much. I think that is the worst part of all of this. I knew Toni would be thrilled with the fact...thakfully she also realizes that I am NOT and that I could stop without warning. I honestly hate the fact that I get hungry. I think it is insulting that I should be hungry. How warped is that? I do understand it is because I think I don't deserve food/nourishment, but understanding it and living with the tension are two different things. Please, please, please don't list reasons why I DO deserve'll be nothing TOni hasn't told me and truly nothing I don't already know in my's the journey to the rest of my body that I need to figure out for myself.

I have really struggled with the comments about me being "wonderful." I want to fight back with the "you don't know me other than through my blog/YS/YMX," "you read only what I write and you have no idea what I am like from day to day," etc. But, I am saying thank you. It's nice to hear when I am in a place that I don't get to hear it very often...other than Rob. He doesn't count...he gets paid!

Due to the holiday, I only get to see Rob twice this week. I miss it mainly because of the momentum. It can be hard to pick up where we left off when we go a whole week. Heck, I haven't eve emailed him or called him. Then again, I only call him to pass along American Idol info (i.e. if the results show was going to run over...his family had missed stuff because it ran a minute or two over), the latest sports talk, etc. I don't think I have called him for a "real" reason in ages. This is a good thing. We have about seven weeks before his annual vacation. That gives us lots of time.

Back to work!

Friday, May 26, 2006

The Problem with Eating...

1. The "Mom" Factor: After dinner and a snack last night...I was fine. Okay, I was still hungry...but I wasn't going to eat anything. I had three "eating episodes" yesterday and I was done. She was still hungry. I kept offering to make her something and she says, "If you aren't going to eat...neither am I." UGH! UGH! UGH!

2. The food itself: I am not used to eating so much. Okay, "so much" still isn't my full meal plan...but close enough. I hit a wall with breakfast yesterday, but it's been better this morning. After I am done with the muffins in the fridge...time to change things up.

3. "Control Freak:" Since I started this "listen to what Toni is telling me" thing...I have become really rigid with it. Not so much my meal times (i.e. I have been eating b'fast for almost an hour) as when I can start, when my last meal is, when I can have my night time snack, etc. This could be a problem.

4. Weight Loss: Yes, this is a GOOD thing...but the problem is what I have dropped in the last week. It really plays with my head. Now that I am getting my metabolism up and running...I want to figure out a way to rev it up even more to accelerate the loss more.

Then I take step back...

This is NOT about food or weight. Well, it is about food as far as me getting back on track for the first time since who knows when...but at the core of all this has very little to do with food and weight.

I blame Rob! ;) No, it really has to do with the work I am doing in therapy and anting to avoid the painful stuff.

A benefit of eating well for the last week has been being able to focus better in sessions. Not that I don't lapse into silence or that a "zillion" thoughts don't go through my head when he asks me something...but I am able to track with him better.

A HUGE problem/roadblock for me has been that I have been told that all I need to do (well...partially and not by Rob) is post some affirmations, read them all the time and that will change my thinking about me. Okay, I think that works for some people. I am not one of those people. We talked a lot about that yesterday.

We took the phrase, "I'm not good enough" and broke it down a little. For me, the phrse comes down to something that has been inrained in me since I was little kid. We talked about how that had to come from somewhere. That was an easy mom and grandmother. Then he hit the nail on the's more than just knowing it. It's delving into the emotions of it and grieving it and all that psychobabble that is very accurate. As I left his office and got to my car (it always works this way) it dawned on me that that is SO hard because I think I don't DESERVE to have any feelings over my childhood. Why? Number one...I am still convinced I deserved what I got and number two...many, many, many others have been through so much worse.

With the holiday Monday I won't see him until next Thursday, but I know we are going to have to dive into all this.


The new X-Men opens today!!! This is the first of the three movies where I won't be at Remuda! In 2000 I didn't see it until I got home in September and in 2003 I got to see it in Chandler...but not opening day! Woo hoo!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Who Knew?

Who knew that alomst a week of eating at least twice and at times THREE times a day would be a good thing? Yes, I knew that, but I like to IGNORE that little tidbit most of the time.

Back in 2000, I remember telling a friend of mine as we were coming back from Bible Study at Remuda, "Amazing what a difference it makes when you eat three meals a day for three weeks and keep it all down." My energy level (duh) is up and I am starting to sleep a little better. And I am focusing a little better than I have been.

I still hate every minute of it...but I am doing it. Plus, I want to go back to the gym. I think I will feel a little less guilty going if I am eating better. That is part of the deal...I need to eat to go. And, I know between the PCOS and the ED my metabolism needs to get revving again. That is one reason why breakfast is a must-do. However, here I am four hours later and I am STARVING. Grrr... I had two of my RR recipe bran muffins (they are good...believe me) and a cup of fat free milk and I "shouldn't" be hungry. Yet here we are!

One of the hardest things about all of this is my mom. So what else is new? But, more than just my mom it is her wanting to diet. In the 12+ months of being on SDI and now out of work period...she has gained a lot of weight for her barely 5 foot frame. I think a lot could be solved if a) she gets a job and b) she quits drinking Coke. Now, I don't drink the diet stuff...but I bet for every 6 she drinks I drink 1...maybe even .5. It is almost like a competition...who can eat less. I usually can win that one...but I really don't want to get sucked into that one.

So, I will cook and it is up to her if she wants to eat my meals or not.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006


Sorry for the lack of posting. There are a million things going on and no time to do it all. I am busy here trying to get all my slots filled for VBS, working on getting the Nursery/Toddler Room project finished, plugging along on the playground, putting the finishing touches on our Jr. High calendar, figuring out what I am for sure doing with the kids this summer. We are stopping SS for children through High School, but I have to offer child care which means I won't get the break I was hoping for.

Then there is all the therapy gunk...but that's a whole other story.

I also have to eat breakfast. Can I tell you how much I hate it? I've done well...only missed one day since Friday...but I hate, hare, HATE it. I know why I need to do it and I agree with why I need to do it, but I just have doing it. However, it comes down to choice. I am choosing to do it and that is a good thing, but ugh!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Practicing Good Enough

I started this post yesterday and I lost it. I am going to try again.

This year when I went to PDCM, Craig Jutila (Children's Pastor) didn't start off with some PD nuts and bolts...he began with "Do the Little Things That Make the Little Difference That Makes the Big Difference." They were small "tidbits" that while from the outside may not seem like there is a change...but internally you will know. Craig included things such as "Rejoice in the Lord," "Control the Climate," "Carry a Mirror, "Floss Daily," and finally..."Practice Good Enough." He unpacked thaone because he knew people would be stunned. It hit me between the eyes.

He talked about what he meant and what he didn't mean. But, as I told Rob, I am not sure I would know "good enough" if it came up and slapped me! The bottom line was, "Give yourself permission to do the best you can with what you've got." God has a sense of humor. This has come at the "best" time.

As I have talked about, I am in the middle of two (three if you count VBS) big projects at our church. One is the complete refurbishing of the Nursery/Toddler Room. This is more than just a coat of paint (which will be completed on the 27th). It has been writing policies, putting in better safety procedures, background checks, etc. It has meant new furniature, new toys, completing redoing the changing room (the building was built in the days of cloth diapers...the changing rooms were set up for that and have never been changed...they had an interesting method of disposing "solid waste."), adding a dishwasher to sanitize tiys, training a volunteer team, etc.

The second is a new playground. We have been renting office space to a division of YL for several years. They are building their own building right behind us. To make this happen, they had to tear down our existing playground. That playground was 25+ years old. We can't put the equipment back up, they have torn up some of our concerete, etc. They have said they will help with the costs. Anyway, we began this process in February and it is slow going. The playground is designed, I think our Session is 99.9999% behind it and we are even talking about an expansion.

All this is not being completed by me alone. I have teams, elders, etc. on board. But, I have no control over some of this (i.e. one of the elders is has had to travel for work for months now) and I am really having to accept doing the best I can with what I have available at this moment. The good thing is my SP realizes this and is cool with it.

Even with VBS my success is not being evaluated on numbers (he said he sees I have done all I can do publicity wise), but on how well trained the volunteers are. That is actually not a bad thing. I'll take that over the numbers game every time.

As I have been spinning with this and Rob and I have been talking about came down to the core issue...not feeling like I am good enough. He just HAD to throw that in to the mix. He's right though.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Anniversary Part 2

I am really not dwelling on the whole thing. But this time of year it really does play out in my mind a lot. Today has been a good day so far. I am waiting for my mom to get home and then it is off to the grandparent’s house for lunch…most of which I cooked. I am a culinary genius. I may feel stupid and worthless 98% of the time…but the 2% that is in the kitchen is NOT dumb at all. Rob says from time to time I should change careers…but then I think the love I have for it and the joy I get from it would be gone. Doug said that what I do in the kitchen for others IS a ministry and “going pro” may take away from that. Not to mention the fact I can’t afford culinary school.


So, while most of the day was fine…the end wasn’t so great. My mom is out of work and that’s all I am going to say about that. *Rolls Eyes* Anyway, she has an interview Tuesday and she wanted to make another dry run so she knows where she is going. If she EVER has to take a behind the wheel test again…she’ll flunk. Not only was she constantly going under the speed limit, she made and illegal left turn and when I told her she needed to get in the right lane to turn onto the street we needed to go home…she got into the LEFT lane. Once I finally got her to go into the right lane (she yelled at me and I told her it wasn’t my fault she can’t tell her left from her right) she almost gets us killed because she STOPS in between the two lanes and then tries to change over with a car coming on our right side. She told me she is never going to go anywhere in the car with me again. Not a problem. Unless we are going to my grandparent’s house, I am NOT getting into a car with her unless I drive.

Six years seems like a lifetime ago. In some ways I feel like a totally different person but in others I feel just as messed up as I did then. I think what scares me about that day is how impulsive I was. It never really occurred to me to NOT take a bunch of pills. Then I compare it to my last really serious bout with suicidal ideation and it’s like night and day. The last time I had plans, I knew what, had an idea when, etc. I think six years ago was a reaction to what was going on with Marc leaving, my declining physical and emotional health and just wanting it all to stop.

I’m exploring the whole “good enough” aspect of my life and it’s been interesting. I have realized that perfection would probably not be “good enough.” I have no idea what good enough is because I always feel that my best could be better and that there is something more I could do/should do/have to do/need to do. But I also know I am going to either burnout and/or relapse if I can’t get “good enough” through my thick head!

Heck…my mom said today I don’t need to eat. Maybe she’s right. This is a HUGE problem right now. As good as my So Cal trip was and as much as I was ready to come home…I think it triggered the beginnings of a depressive episode. For the first time in a LONG time I can actually tell. This is a good thing.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Anniversary Part I

So, here I am again. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. The dates have lined up just as they did back in 2000. Mother’s Day fell on a Sunday. The 17th fell on a Wednesday.

I know. I write about this every May, but this year it didn’t it me until Wednesday how the dates were lining up!

On May 14, 2000, I made a half-hearted suicide attempt. I am not sure if it was half-hearted as much as sense got knocked into me before I was able to do any damage to myself. Two days before that, May 12th, I had my next to last appointment with Marc. He knew I was on shaky ground. We talked about it. I was very open with him about how many pills I had and that I had spent a lot of time counting them. Each session he asked me if I was safe and I told him yes. That afternoon I lied. Then I got to The Block to go see a movie and called to tell him I lied. I lied, but that day I really thought I was going to be as fine as was possible at that point.

I think was just emotionally and physically spent. I was hardly keeping food down, he was leaving in a few days and it all seemed totally pointless. Robbie didn’t even know how bad things were. Well, physically he did because he was afraid I was going to pass out on him during our morning walks, but I never let on to the other stuff. My guess was he was stunned when I called to tell him I was in the Psych ward.

On the morning of the 14th I got up, went to church, served with the 5th and 6th graders and came home. I called my mom and grandmother to wish them Happy Mother’s Day, took a nap, got up and took a few too many Prozac. It’s weird because I realized on the way to church I had forgotten to take my meds and had just planned to take them later. “Them” being one pill…singular…not what I ended up taking. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to do. Just as I was getting ready to take a second handful the sense got knocked into me. It really didn’t do enough damage, but after IMing with some people from Something Fishy, they talked me into going to the ER. Luckily, they let me go after the Psych consult.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Drive by Posting!

I want to sit and write a long post, but I don't have time right now. I have to get my VBS BB completed and then I have a meeting with our playground consultant to talk about a possible expansion to what we have already planned.

Not that I let stuff slide, but it is amazing that being gone 9 days has had such an impact on "stuff." But, I think it has more to do with my PT status rather than being a flake. It also just dawned on me that I think I am trying to make up for that time by working like a madwoman.

Sunday we had an impromptu water fight with Jr. High. That was sooooooo much fun! I think mainly because it was unplanned. Jr. High is small...we had a whopping THREE kids show up! In about three weeks that will change. We will go from a 3-4 average to about double with the new kids moving up. It's hard to plan...but I love it anyway! We all had fun and the parents were fine with it. This, as we all know, is a GOOD thing.

It was a rough start with Rob when I got back...but we are back on track. Which, in the world of "fun," is NOT even on the planet. Big picture it is a GOOD thing...I think.

Lately he has been forgetting to ask me the questions about using behaviors and he remembered at the tail end yesterday. I have been tempted to ask him to skip that part and trust me to tell him if I slip. Honestly? Not sure if that would happen. Maybe in a few months. I really like having that accountability.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a multi dimensional wonderland, with many layers.
You're the type that always has multiple streams of though going.
And you can keep these thoughts going at any time.
You're very likely to be engaged in deep thought - and deep conversation.
You Are 30% Weird

Not enough to scare other people...
But sometimes you scare yourself.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I (A Meme)

I was tagged by Ryan.

I AM: Director of Chilidren's Ministry, a Jr. High volunteer and a member of the Presbytery Youth Sub-committee.

I WANT: to move out of my house and into my own place again!

I WISH: my job was full time.

I HATE: rude people.

I LOVE: "my" kids!

I MISS: My friends in "The OC."

I FEAR: that I will never fully recover.

I HEAR: the May YS Podcast.

I WONDER: where God is leading me on this crazy adventure!

I REGRET: how I have allowed fear to hold me back at times.

I AM NOT: sleeping well!


I SING: in the car...even though I have a lousy voice!

I CRY: not nearly enough. I think (for ME only) it is a weakness that cannot be indulged.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: happy. I find myself "content" which is not a bad thing and happiness in temporal...but I don't find myself there very often.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: a bunch of stuff I bake and cook!

I WRITE: my blog and our Children's Ministry Blog.

I CONFUSE: excellence/"good enough" with perfection.

I NEED: to stop restricting as a reaction to my recent vacation when I ate like 2x a day.

I SHOULD: get back to the gym, unpack my car and get back to work!

I START: major VBS work this week!

I FINISH: pretty much everything I start.

I tag Mel, PK and Tina