Tuesday, June 29, 2004

The Assignment...

So, we talked about the "In-n-Out" incident yesterday and why my mom's reaction hurt me so much. I ended up popping out with "I can never make my mother happy no matter how much I try." Whoa! Not sure if I EVER, EVER, EVER have said that out loud to anyone. It took a good 5 minutes or so to finally say it to Rob. This lead into the comments my grandmother made to me growing up about my mom never being happy as long as I was around and that no man would ever want to marry her as long as she had meso I should go live with her and my grandfather. Couple THAT statement with the fact my mom never did remarry and my feelings of being a total mistake (accident/unplanned/parents had to get married...however you want to put it) and I was on the train to Disassociation-ville.

I guess...well...I KNOW I thought I had come back because we talked...I answered questions...I told him I was present and he gave me an assignment...but as I left and then was processing through it all later, I realized I forgot everything past a certain point. It's kinda scary. Usually he'll get me grounded again or I will do it myself and I'm OK...but it's weird to have lost about 1/4 of the session.

Anyway, I called Rob last night to tell him all this and to get the assignment. He wants me to look at the statements I made and write about them...how they have turned into beliefs I hold about myself, what that has done to me and ask how true can any if it be...ot something like that. I need to look at it again.

The one thing I remember from the beginning fo the session was Rob saying that I am trying to pay back a debt that I cannot repay and that no one can. That we do not have the ability to make a person happy. I get what he means...sorta. I mean I know that (or maybe not) I can't be the be all for my mom's happiness...but I guess I try to make her happy because I exist.

Honestly, my mind is having trouble grasping this stuff. I also feel as if I have this sheltered little world what may not always keep me a happy camper...but I can count on and keeps me "in my place" and Rob is trying to tear me out of that and shatter that world. It terrifies me like you couldn't believe.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

I Am so Ashamed...

VBT is over and they did a great job...I mean they had 5 days to learn this whole show and the performance was only the third FULL run through they did!

Not that I expect any big thnak yous or anything...but my SP asked me if I had ANYTHING to do with it!!!! Ummm...all the PR, registration, bills, running lines, helping to cast, doing the oprnings each morning, doing whatever I saw needed to be done before Peter could ask, talking to parents PLUS my regular job but no...I had NOTHING to do with it!

Actually, I had one parent come up and thank me. Our director got all the other helpers (female adults and teens) a really pretty carnation corsage...and I was left out. I know I shouldn't let it get to me...but I was here on my day off, I was here on time when he was late and got staff together. I know...I know...this is my JOB...but it still hurt to see everyone else get acknowledged.

This would be a "human moment" as Rob would say and probably will if I tell him about this tomorrow. I think I "should" be beyond feeling like this. HELLO...we all knowwe are so not in ministry for fame nor money so I don't think I "should" feel like this. Blech!

Saturday, June 26, 2004

It's Showtime!

Well...almost. The kids get here for a run through at 6 and the play is at 7:30 PM. The church is a mess. I need to go down and get some cleaning done because it needs to look 1/2 way decent for church tomorrow. I think Peter forgot about that.

I don't know why I continue to try with my mother...except she IS my mother. After seeing Rob on Thursday, I went and paid off my car insurance (no bill until August!) and decided to "give in" to a craving for an In-n-Out burger. The last time I had one andkept it down...hmmm...over two years. Anyway, I decided to get one for my mom as well. She actualy got mad because it was 3 PM snd she hadn't counted on eating then. HELLO! She goes to bed a FIVE because she get up at TWO AM...she ALWWAYS eats between 3-4.

I really, really, really wanted to cut. After she went to bed I was able to call Rob and tell him I really wanted to. I called him and hour later and told him that I was giving it one more hour and then I was leaving to buy stuff. The hour came and off I went. I stopped by Starbucks as well and came home. I took the puppy with me and so he wanted to play outside. Fine...I could SI later.

A little later I put the puppy in his crate and went to bed. I "prepared" to finally get down to cutting and he was crying and yelping and didn;t WANT to go to bed. Fine. I out the stuff up and gotup and went into the living ropom, turned the TV back on and put him on the couch with me. An hour later we repeated the earlier scenario and he cried...but stopped after about 20 minutes. It was annoying, but I did manage to distract enough that I did not cut and haven't since.

The one thing that has me a little bugged was that Rob never called me back. I mean, I didn't ask him to...but I thought he would. He will be happy to know that I didn't give in to the urge when
I tell him Monday!

Thursday, June 24, 2004

My Mother is an Idiot...

Another very wise person said to me, "...and this is new because....?" This is true...but very rarely I am really, really, REALLY close to sharing that with her. I didn't...oh my gosh no...but it was so there.

We were talking last night and I asked her if she had heard about Mary Kate Olsen. She said she had and then she says that she can't believe iot because the girls has EVERYTHING! Augh! Like $$ and fame is a vaccine against what goes on in one's head! MK has said it very well herself, SATs, college, leaving for college, the business (Dual Star), the movie (which flopped)...I can see exactly why it would happen...it has nothing to do with having "nothing" or "everything." It has EVERYTHING to do with CONTROL.

The odd thing about what my mother said is that my grandmother said that to ME about ME in March. The night she was wasted when we were in Napa she asked me how I could have problems when my family had given me everything.

This one is going to be a kick to process with Rob today!

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Day Three...

Yesterday we cast the play and it went easier than we had anticipated. This was a total blessing. We did create a part for one of the kids...but that was it.

It came down to the lead (a boy and girl) and they were evenly matched. So, we asked another parent to come up with a number between 1-10. Sean got the number and we created the role of "Amy" for Gigi and all is well. They are in music right now.

I dunno. I have been trying to really look for things that make me angry and since Monday there really isn't anything. I am either repressing like I have never repressed before or there hasn't been anything. My mother mad some dumb comment (well...a FEW dumb comments)yesterday, but other than that everything has been OK.

Not sure what I am going to tell Rob tomorrow. Then again...why does there have to be something each day that may make me mad? There doesn't. I just don't want him to think I have been ignoring it.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Day Two...

I am exhausted! In a good way...but I needed more sleep. However, Spike came crying/yelping/howling at my door at 3:15 this morning. I let him in my room, put him on my bed...but he was being a pain so we got up and moved to the couch...where he slept like a baby. Silly puppy! Poor Spike has more shots today and it is so sad. He cries for hours because he is in a lot of pian afterward. He is such a small dog and so it really hurts!

Anger remains the topic of each session. I see no reason for it and think it is dumb. That is a problem...I "know" it is a problem but I see anger as such a waste of energy. Rob sees that comment as such a way to repress and minimize anger. I hate the man! Nah! So, between now and Thursday I need to keep track of my anger and to NOT say to myself I am simply "miffed," "irked" or "annoyed." He wants me to say to myself, "I am mad/angry."

In my life anger was violent and I minimize my own anger because I am afraid it will escalate from miffed to rage in .00000000001 seconds! But, I also judge it and then end up cutting or purging because I get mad at myself for being mad at another person. I judge a lot of my feelings and then punish myself and on and on and on.

A very wise person told me yesterday that anger is so basic. I have such a hard time getting my head around it...but I think he is right. I think I also have a problem with it because I expect myself to be perfect. I KNOW...I really, really KNOW I am NOT perfect and in this life will NEVER be...but to raise my voice in anger, to react to something in anger seems so imperfect. Oh yeah...that is incredibly flawed in so many ways, but I hold these other wacko beliefs:

1. I am bad if I an angry
2. Being angry means being out ofcontrol
3. It is MY fault soI have no reason to be angry
4. Nice people don't get angry
5. Bad things happen when people get angry
6. The consequences will be worse if I show my anger

So, we will keep pounding on this and see where it leads!

Monday, June 21, 2004

VBT is HERE....

and I am exhausted! I have to do whatever needs to be done to help it run smoothly AND get my usual work done. There is no time. As it is...I will be working overtime...good for the pocketbook...icky for "life."

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Off and Running...

I am working each day between now and next Sunday...I am looking forward to having Monday, June 28th off so I can do NOTHING but go to the YMCA and see Rob!

This going back to the gym thing is scary as heck. The wanting to overdo it is so strong and the not wanting to eat after is even stronger...but I have been able to combat it and do it anyway...with much venting and whining to both Rob and Toni. I don't get to see Toni for another 9 days (ACK) and after 4 weeks of just some emails...a 1/2 hour is not going to be enough time at all. I shoulkd have booked and hour and worried about the $$ later.

I leave for Triennium in 4 weeks and already have some anxiety about not having a session with Rob that week at all. In fact, I probably won't be able to call him or anything that week. In some ways it is kinda cool because I have not have been away from any form of communication with him since I started seeing him. I mean...even when he was on vacation last summer I was able to email him for when he got home. I think I did that once. I don't think I would care as much except I am going to be back in Indiana and that is anxiety prodcuing all by itself. On the other hand...I will have a chance to see how I deal with the anxiety and memories.

Okay...off to do the work my intern didn't do last week!

Thursday, June 17, 2004


You're a Classic Cup 'O' Joe.
You're a Classic Cup 'O' Joe!

What Kind of Coffee are You?
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Another Anniversary Date Coming Up...

On Monday it will be a year since I returned from Remuda LIFE. It seems so strange in some ways. It feels as if it was only yesterday and it feels as if it were a million years ago. I am glad I went and at the same time regret the decision.

In reality, I was NOT ready to go when I did. It was job preservation and in the end I came back to PT work. Had been ready to go I would not have pulled the crap I did when I was there. The last time (almost 4 years ago) I came in and after my "grace meal," pretty much was 100% compliant with food. The first week I had two meals I could not finish...but the rest of the time I ate...even when I struggled through half portions and "gentle eating." By the time I got to LIFE I was used to family style, fairly used to full portions and only spent 4 days on meal support.

Comparing me in 2000 and me in 2003 is pretty silly...but in 2000 I went for the RIGHT reasons and was really on the road to recovery until I moved to IN. Looking back as I prepare to head back to IN for Triennium...it wasn't alll the move. I think dropping my grandfather off at the Indy airport on 9/11 and having him on the next plane to take off from O'Hare and then being stuck on the tarmac for 3 hours and then "stranded" in Chicago for days didn't help. Here is this major traumatic event in the history of our nation and I am all alone in a new state and city...2500 miles away from friends and family. I think I turned to ED behaviors to cope and then the church ending up being a bad fit escalated it. I have been thinking a lot about that and think this trip back to West Lafayette is going to be a good one for me.

I am slowly pulling myself out of the hole I dug after getting back from LIFE last year and I am scared spitless. Do I want to spend the rest of my life starving, purging and overexercising? No. I really don't. But, the disorder...like youth ministry has become such a part of who I am that the thought to be without one or the other scares me to death. I have been out of YM as a profession for over a year and now to let ED go...ack!

But, I also believe that YM is not going to happen for me again until I "divorce" ED and not keep taking "him" back with the promises that never materialize or that come at a high price.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

I Should...

staple this to my mother:

Supporting a Loved One in Recovery

It is perfectly normal to feel frustrated, confused, and sad when you love someone who has an eating disorder and you want to help. What feels supportive at one time may not at another. What feels helpful to one person may not to another. Below are some general guidelines that you may want to discuss with the person you are trying to support.


* Discuss eating habits, weight, food, or appearance. If these topics are brought up, say that you are uncomfortable with the subject and you feel it is not helpful to their recovery. These topics never lead to an "answer" to the eating disorder and they can be construed as judgments or attempts to control.
* Do not talk about body sizes and appearance whether your own or anyone else's. Make no critical comments about your own or any other person's body.
* Do not have emotional conversations during meals which should be a time to relax.
* Do not "check in" about what your loved one is eating/not eating. Encourage outside help with meals through a nutritionist who specializes in eating disorders or a 12-step group such as Overeaters Anonymous. Participate in meetings such as AlAnon as much as possible to get a better understanding of the process of recovery.
* Do not become therapist or physician to your loved one. Not only will it create burnout in you, it won't work.
* Do not judge your loved one's recovery. Eating Disorders are complex, often involving ups and downs that are actually part of recovery. Get support for yourself to talk about your fears.
* Do not try to control your loved one's intake. Your relationship will suffer and it will not work.
* Do not stock the kitchen with your loved one's binge foods or their no-fat diet foods. 


* Do talk with your loved one about your concerns, letting them know you want to be supportive of recovery. Ask what you can do and recommend professional support.
* Do learn about eating disorders and recovery.
* Do attend AlAnon or CODA, 12-step groups that can help you take care of yourself.
* Do contact professionals for groups/therapy that can help you.
* Do listen, do NOT preach. Your loved one may develop a different way of seeing herself as she goes through recovery. Let her find her own way.
* Do look at your own behaviors and attitudes toward food and your body. As you become honest and get help for yourself, you also help your loved one.
* Do realize that eating disorders are not chosen by those who suffer from them. Try to recognize your anger toward the eating disorder instead of toward the person.

I Don't Wear the Cheese...

Thanks for this Jasper!!

I am mozzarella!
Cheese Test: What type of cheese are you?


Okay...not a whole lot to say. Other than the two parents that are already ON the leadership team...we only had twoothers show up. So, the others think everything is GREAT or they don't care. My guess? A combo of the two!

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Parent Meeting Tonight!

I really have no reason to be anxious...but I am. My left shoulder is so tense it hurts. I love the parents of our kids...I really and truly do. I think I am doing an OK job...no one is 100% perfect and i really want the feedback. I should have a lot of confidence because my SP was so OK with me doing this without him here...but I am scared spitless. Literally...I keep drinking water to no avail.

We are going to cast our vision, try and recruit a couple more parents to the leadership team and give them our summer schedule. Sounds great...right? Ack!

I called Rob and rambled to him...but I am not sure if I can get up there and remember anything. Then again...maybe no parents will show up? Wouldn't that be a kick?

Dizzy Sucks...Fuel Rocks!

So says my dietitian. Due to scheduling conflicts I will not see her until June 30th...4 weeks in between sessions...not my idea of fun. I know I can call and email...but it is NOT the same thing. Anyway, she knows me WAY too well and knows that I will take advantage of us not meeting. I had done that (only for about a 24 hour period if that)and gave in and ate because I was a little dizzy. I emailed her and told her and she told me not to forget our goals and the above quote.

Tomorrow I start a 12 week personal fitness thing at the YMCA. I am doing it because I know without it I WILL overexercise and while part of me doesn't care...the other part wants to be able to exercise like a "normal" person and just enjoy the fact I CAN do these things. I started to be OK with that when I left AZ last year...but then it became burn, burn, burn. Having a trainer to meet with 3-4 times over the 12 weeks will be a good thing. It is computerized so she can keep tabs on what I have done...helps me stay accountable.

Thursday came and went without it being a "blow up/Deneice sucks at therapy" session. We may be past that now. Rob is pushing (in a good way) me harder and my biggest problem is taking what happens in our sessions and not letting it fall apart when I get home...my refrain to him is, "BUT it's MY MOM."

He called her a bitch many times on Thursday...he was trying to prove a point...not saying she IS one...but that some of her actions last week she was BEING one at the time. I know better. He is not fond of her. I get what he was saying and how I don't have to live my life by such a rigid set of rules when it comes to her (and a lot of my life) and how it feeds into my "Top 10."

This is where I hate the work...but enjoy the process and where I have had the most growth before...this time I won't be leaving though...maybe I can push through this time.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Get Me Outta Here!

It is too nice a day to be cooped up in my office. As soon as my intern gets here we are going to go get supplies. She's late! :)

Okay...I am 15 minutes early for EVERYTHING...but she is a tiny bit late. Not that I would hold it against her. My goal is to keep her from doing as little scut work as possible...I hope I can do that!

Why Doesn't This Surprise Me??

my little pony
You're My Little Pony!! Sweet and innocent and
happy, you make people want to spew burrito
chunks. Even a Care Bear could kick your ass.

What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
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Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Quick Hi!

My iBook was at the Apple Store for a repair and I just got it back today. I will update tomorrow.

If you scroll down...Rob let me choose which of the "Top 10" to work on and I chose #9. It has not been fun...it has been hard, he is working on new ways to help me when I disassociate in sessions and I can't get my head around some of this stuff...but it's going OK.

Thursday should be one of those "blow-ups" and I don't think it will happen...I have been working my tail off (I wish that was LITERALLY) and Iknow he knows it. But the fear is still there.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004


The fifth book written, you're the third book chronologically and take place during The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. You tell the story of the humans Shasta and Aravis and the talking horses Bree and Hwin, all trying to escape from unhappy lives in Calormen to go to Narnia.

Find out which Chronicles of Narnia book you are.