Sunday, November 30, 2003

Today was one fo those days I wanted to quit my job. I wanted to simply walk away and let the kids in the Nursery fend for themselves. I wanted to walk into the Fireside Room and rant and rave about how everyone promises to serve and yet I find myself in the Nursery and having to cancel the Three Yead Old class because the person who was supposed to sub in the Nursery "forgot."

I wanted to walk out the doors and not come back until people realized that Advent shouldn't be just a "me" planning thing...but coopoerative with Adult Christian Ed. and Youth. That the whole thing as it is INTERGENERATIONAL classes shouldn't come out of the Children's Ministry Budget only AND that they bumped me to part-time and...and...and...

So, it was a bad day. We all have them and then day after tomorrow I go back to the office and I go on to the next thing and get ready for January and what needs to be done next Sunday. I don't need anyone to tell me how to react or how to feel...I just needed to vent. I made the mistake of trying to vent to my mom. She makes me listen her her woes enough I thought (mistakenly) I could get equal vent time. Nope! She swore at me among other things...and basically told me it was my fault.

If I could have cut right then and there I would have...but I couldn't. I called Rob and told him I was barely hanging on and that my mom was dragging me to Target. And, my mom who thinks buying me stuff is better than listening to me...did buy me a top...story of my life!

Stop the world I NEED to get off!

My life is rated PG.
What is your life rated?

Saturday, November 29, 2003

I want to cry and I can't. I want to be able to speak everything that needs words put them and I find myself at a loss for those words. I want to lay down on the floor in Rob's office and just rest...let the safety of that place give me that rest I desperately want and need.

He is considering an open ended no suicide contract, but isn't sure. He said he will do what he can to keep me alive even if it means calling my mother and having her sweep my room for my meds. Needless to say, they are no longer in my room. I told Rob I wasn't worth saving and I am so thankful he didn't try and give me reasons why that isn't true because he knew his answers would fall on deaf ears. Rob said he is not making the calls he could because he trusts me when I say I will be safe from session to session.

I emailed him the whole truth last night and what I have planned...except the exact where...I started to, but backed off.

He makes it sound as if I can just wake up and not purge or cut...doesn't he get if it were that easy I would have stopped ages ago? Food is evil, I deserve the scarring of my body...two months at Remuda and I spent SIX weeks of that on a behavior contract so I was running on perfectionism and not allowed to relearn what is supposed to be the truth.

Sometimes I think it's too late for me.


You surround yourself with art and music and are constantly driven to express yourself. You often daydream. You prefer honesty in your relationships and belive strongly in your personal morals.

Find out your color at Quiz Me!

I so need sleep!

Your element is Earth. I hate to say it but you are
down to earth. Stubborn and loyal. You tend to
want to nurture others and you are the one
person friends always come to for awnsers.
Without people like you others would be flying
over the edge because, whether you know it or
not you keep a steady beat to your life and
will end up where you want to in the end. There
is a sureness about you that is hard to match
that draws people to you. No matter what
happens the Earth keeps turning.

What's your element
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Friday, November 28, 2003

Nightmare Before Christmas
You know so much about the nightmare before
christmas. You must research and study it as
much as I do. I have loved this movie since I
was a kid and studied it very hard.
Congratulations.Please Please Please vote for
my quiz.

XxThe Best and Most Challenging Quiz of The Nightmare Before ChristmasxX
brought to you by Quizilla
Your soul is bound to the White Rose: The

"I've been waiting in the dark for a long
time, shining my beacon of hope through the
shadow. If you see me, don't you hide your
eyes from me."

The White Rose is associated with purity, honor,
and chastity. It is governed by the goddess
Artemis and its sign is The Cross, or Agape.

As a White Rose, you are a person of your word.
You may have a strong moral code, but
regardless of your virtue, you always stay true
to yourself. To you, love is the most pure of
emotional forms and it's just a matter of
waiting for it to bless you. Some people may
say you are too idealistic, but it's only
because you don't want to mess things up.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla
I survived Thanksgiving! No small feat! My mom only popped off with one really stupid food comment (and whispers to my grandmother about how happy they are to see me eat this year) the whole night and my grandmother only had one beer! This, my fine feathered friends, makes a great Turkey Day in our family!

I am so glad (and so are they) that I won the Turkey Day dinner debate and cooked. It was annoying to try and do this at two houses, but it was easier to cook here and take things there.

I am seeing Rob at 1 PM due to our emails on Wednesday. I had to cancel Toni (can't afford him, her and car insurance all in one week) to do this...but I guess at this point he is probably more important than her in the scheme of things. If I'm not around I won't need a dietitian.

I think Rob exaggerated whe he said he'd be devastated if we quit therapy together...but it is nice to know he cares...not that I had a doubt. He is coming in for me and someone else I am hoping we can have a double session again...they are very helpful.

Christmas baking commences next week for me...I need to finalize this year's goodies and get to baking and stuff. I do enjoy doing this for others!

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Rob and I had an interesting session...I like this sitting on the floor thing...seems more informal (like we're formal) and I'm glad I finally did it.

So, after getting him off on as many tangents as possible...he brings it around to I don't take my sleep/anxiety meds because I am keeping them. He asked me all these questions and now he's kinda freaked. Like I am the FIRST one ever contemplating this with a plan he has dealt with in 20+ years? Anyway, he brings us that maybe we shouldn't continue if I am so set on my own demise.

I got home and emailed him this:

Hey You!

I keep going over and over some of the things you said...and part of me thinks you are right. Why should I take up your time 2x a week when ultimately I'm not sure if I'm going to be around much longer? Your time would be better spent with someone who isn't a lost cause.

Maybe because though we joke about you being the Voice of Reason and Truth...that I want to believe what you are saying.

Maybe because I can torture myself some more sitting there 2x a week listening/seeing you be nice to be and hating every minute of it because I don't deserve it.

I don't know. I don't want to waste your time...I'm already a waste of space.

To which he replied:

You are SO WRONG, SO VERY WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are NOT a waste of space and I would be devastated if we didn't continue!!!!!!!!


To which I replied:

Then why did you say that if I am still plotting my demise that maybe we shouldn't?


Ummm...Go Lions!

He's in session now...but he called me to see if I got his email and to assure me that he wants us to have many, many,many more times together.

The thing is...I feel so rational about this whole thing. I have enough meds, I have the place and a rough ideas of when and it doesn't bother all. It seems like this is the course of things and I'm ok with it.

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

After a fitful night's sleep I am not doing any better and am probably more resolute than ever to carry out what I emailed to Rob last night. I do feel a little bad because he sent me this last night:

"I'll tell you what matters - YOU, yes YOU my freind - all that you think, feel, and experience - MATTERS - at least to me... I'd give you a hug right now if it were possible! Good night and I hope you sleep well, :) Rob"

Then I emailed him back and jumped all over that we are NOT friends because one day he will be out of my life and we won't have contact...but I wasn't ready to dwell on that yet. I also pointed out that in order to sleep well I'd have to get into my stockpile and NO WAY am I touching it. I have one refill left on the Trazadone and that's it...I could probably get Cameron to refill the Ambien one more time...but that's over $50 and the Trazadone is only $17.00.

I am curious how he is going to answer my tirade. I see him tomorrow anyway because of Turkey Day. So, we'll sit on the floor again (not sure why I did that yesterday...but I liked it. I didn't expect him to sit on the floor with me) and I'll drink apple juice and he'll eat my cheesecaake and argue for an hour...he'll hug me and then he'll get a zillion calls between Wednesdaay and Monday about how batty my family is driving me.

Monday, November 24, 2003

I have had it! Between Steve's comment about the brownie yesterday, Rob accidentally saying something similar about it being bad and being called "VERY FAT, FAT, FAT" by the lady who gave me a massage today...forget it...I flipping can't take it.

I know that I am the only one who can controlme reaction to such statements...and fine...I am choosing to be hurt and upset and sad...but grrrrr...

Sunday, November 23, 2003

I am soooo angry/sad/hurt right now.

I bought a peppermint brownie at Starbucks last night. I have been allowing myself to have one if I want one. I didn't want it last night so I brought it to church with me today. Still not in the mood so I was going to take it home and save it for when I wanted it or give it to Rob tomorrow.

Anyway, the kid who has the treasure box for the Children's Message wasn't here so Steve (SP) asked me to just give him anything. I handed him the brownie.

He goes on to say how "evil" it was and how bad for you and if he ate the ONE brownie it would make him bigger than he is now.

Thanks, Steve! Just what I needed to hear! Needless to say...the brownie is in the trash.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Like others, thanks to Andy the Geek I am also a Secret Santa Project

How fun!
Last night was somewhat of a mess that Rob is gone for the next few days. It's not like he hasn't been on vacation and I haven't seen him or I didn't see him for two whole months while I was Remuda (but I got to talk to him for one of the two weekly)...but I guess it's where I am right now that makes the difference.

I have enough to keep busy. Part of his Xmas present arrived and so I started work on it yesterday and tomorrow I see Toni and Saturday I will be helping at the "Boundaries" seminar all day and Sunday is church and then Monday he's back.

Today and tomorrow will be fairly busy at work so if I can keep busy it's good...not because Rob's out of town...but simply because if I stay focused on other stuff...I can forget the abyss.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Today I got Rob a cute Pooh Bear card for him to open on Saturday. He didn't want to wait and I think was alarmed I was asking him to wait...but it's okay...Saturday is the 22nd and marks one year and I am goofy that way and didn't want him to read the thank you card early. I told him yet again (and I think he doesn't always really understand I mean things I say) that he treats me way to nice and I don't deserve it. He told me, "This is where the 'Voice of Truth' comes deserve it and so much more." But, I think we will revisit this statement when he gets back.

I always feel safe in his hugs...but today I felt especially loved at the end. He just held me and tousled my hair and then hugged me again and let me rest there.

I'm trying so hard to hold on...if I had insurance, I would go someplace safe...but I don't so I cling to my promise to him and try to push the dark thoughts aside.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

We just completed our calendar meeting for the next few months. Wow! It is neat to see how "busy" we are and rthe variety of events...Latin American Fellowship, choirs, Kids Club, Advent, Lent, VBS, Servant Evangelism, etc. My head hurts. I am about to get a lot busier and that makes me pretty happy...but I won't have the hours to do all they want me to!

I remain on an oral safety contract with Rob. I almost thought he was going to have to talk to my mom last night and explain why she needed to take me to the ER. I cut and this one bled...a lot...and I thought it was going to need stitiches...but it stopped and it's ok. I emailed him last night after a really frustrating evening with my mom and explained to him that these feelings have been here since before I left Remuda...and that even when he knew I was stockpiling my meds we didn't talk about it though he made time for me that one Saturday because of how I was feeling. I also came clean about tonguing my sleep meds my last week at LIFE because I never told him about it when I came home.

Today I found myself looking at this four day weekend we are going to end up with that would be perfect for me to carry through my plan...but I am not sure if the weather will cooperate in Half Moon Bay that weekend. I promoised Rob I am safe through Christmas because I haven't started his Christmas present yet. That also gives me weeks to try and get all that I am feeling OUT. We made a game plan that I will no longer go straight home after a session because of my mom's expectations of how I "should" be after a session (happy/peppy) but go to the library or Starbucks and process and compose myself before going home. Good plan.

Last night was my night talking to my Aunt Joy...she was usual. She is married to my Uncle Mike who was best friends with the guy that molested me...until the police got involved three years later. That made for interesting conversation. We didn't talk about that...but it was another way that brings it all back yet again...not that it's much below the surface anyway as this has been my life in therapy...but just another reminder. I haven't seen my uncle since a year or two after it happened and he didn't know it happened until I wrote him 10 years ago or so and told him.

I just want it to stop...I feel like I am living in a dark pit and every day it gets worse and I just want it all to stop.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

I am dreading tomorrow's appoinment and it's still over 24 hours away. I don't know what to say. It's not like we haven't been here before...but the day of the emergency appointment he didn't bring it up even though I went in because I told him what I had at home. I also know that he can't take my word for it that I can stay safe. He knows my history.

Well...given my state of mind...I am not surprised by this...just don't agree with it 100%!

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Ben's Court of Honor was great! The video his dad put together was really neat. One of the letters Ben received was from Sara Moulton...she is the Executive Editor of "Gourmet" magazine...perfect for an up and coming chef! That was really great...they should have gone for Alton Brown though!

I am so at loose ends...I am dying to cut...but mom is up watching Hack and I feel like I ate way too much at Ben's reception. Given the fact the only thing I had to eat today did come up...I know I didn't...and it was all healthy, but it "seems" like it. Which my mom wouldn't get. The "58 Pound Anorexic" on ET talked about feeling like she had gained 10 pounds and my mom couldn't I'm not going to try to explain either...I just get flustered.

Changed my mind on Rob's Xmas gift...and I just bid and won a Creative Memories album in his favorite color to make a 12 month "perpetual album." It's my usual goodbye gift to my therapists (well...Greg and Marc) and I think it is something he will appreciate.

I found a great spot. There is a B & B near Half Moon Bay that is awesome called the Pillar Point Inn. I searched the web and that looks like a peaceful and comfy place. At Sea Horse/Friendly Acres Ranch you can do a two hour beach ride (NOT guided) for $30 if you ride a 8, 8:30 or 9:00 AM.

I need to find the cost...but I guess it won't really matter in the long run. Horses, the beach...two of my favorite could be very peaceful.
I think if Rob had not put me on the oral agreement...I might be better off. I am in enough of self-destructo mode that I am making up keeping the bargain in other ways...which is so absolutely stupid. I am already stressed about Mondays session. I have no answers for him...none.

I just know I feel gross and dirty and disgusting and that talking about why is making it worse right now. Then again, I also know that if I don't talk about it...I'll keep feeling like that...but right now I can't HANDLE feeling like this.

He's not getting my meds way.

Friday, November 14, 2003

I am now on a oral safety contract with Rob and I have made it through the first 12 hours. He said I could come and see him today if I need to and part of me wants to...just to not be alone. But, I have no clue what to even say. I mean, it's all out there and I am so stuck...I am unable to convey the whys or what I am feeling and after feeling like a HUGE waste of his time yesterday...I don't want to go through that again. If I want the time he is willing to give (well...make for me..still have to pay him)...I'd better be ready to babble and right now the words aren't there and neither are the tears. But, Monday seems a long way off from now.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

For the life of me I could NOT say ANYTHING to Rob as I had planned. I don't know if it is because I felt "ambushed" and not ready to jump in...or I was not ready to discuss that my feelings about living this life haven't changed and was put off that he didn't "get it." So, I was silent, I was evasive ("look..this makes Frederick's ears look like Princess Leia," "Rich Gannon is out for the season," "Rattay is starting on Monday," "Charlie gets to go to the game and I am soooo jealous.") and other assorted things that drove him nuts.

After he lectured I told him the words are just stuck. So, he let me write it. I was honest. Told him I have another 3000 mg. of Trazadone waiting to be picked up and add to my stash and that I had no plans for the meds...just that I had them "in case." Then I went into the reasons why I hate that he is nice to me. And we talked about it a little.

He prayed and I got up to leave and got my hug. He whispers in my ear that he cares about me and to watch the meds. I came home and emailed him reminding him exactly what I have on hand and that I am safe because I started my Christmas shopping. I just went back and read the email...I also made it clear I have a plan in mind...just no guts...yet.

He called a bit ago and I am on an oral safety contract with him...I stay safe between now and Monday...Monday at noon when I see him. Then we'll "talk about it." He wants my meds but he can't have them...because the thing is...they are my anti-anxiety and sleep meds and anti-depressant...I need my Lexapro and want the other stuff in case living here makes my anxiety rise again and/or I can't sleep.

I just feel incredibly alone...

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

So, I get an email from Rob thanking me for the compliment telling him he is way too nice and patient with me. I emailed him back and told him he didn't get it...I HATE that he's nice to me. I haven't heard back yet. But, I am sure that will be a topic in tomorrow's session. And, in truth, it's NOT getting away from the SA topic...but is a result of the abuse. I also wonder if he is not popping up here reading because he made a reference to "Mr. Voice of Reason and Truth."

Today is another beautiful fall day in San Jose. The leaves have turned and are falling...this morning was nice and crisp and Boo came and cuddled with me and purred until I was ready to get up. He is such a sweet cat. I really was fortunate to get him when I was in Indiana. Since he has been at my mom's he has sort of become "hers," but I am trying to coax him back to me! :)

There is this suicide debate thing going on the YS Boards. They don't get it. I mean, the main focus is will you or won't you go to hell...but then it started talking about would a believer do something like that if they are a believer. Some people have no clue of what Major Depressive Disorder or in the case of some friends Bi-polar Disorder does to your head and your emotions.

I may have said this already...but I emailed Rob and told him how I was doing. I said something like, "You know what caused us to have that Saturday session. Like that. I'll let you know when it changes." I need to get my otger meds refilled and I keep going back and forth about getting the trazadone refilled. That gives me 3,000 more mg. of a sleep med to add to my stash. I did spend my b-day money so that gives me a safety net as well.

I just want this over one way or another...before I really DO go insane.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

It dawned on me at some point last night when I was emailing Rob. One of his bi-weekly questions is how I am doing inside...I usually evade that one by saying "breathing" and we move on.

Lately, we all know what "changing gears" means. As I gave him my two word answer and then told him I wish this had an off switch he asked me if I wanted a real answer to the "off switch." What he told me is stuff I have told myself and things that I know are true. To turn off the switch I have to keep talking about it...even small things or phrases. Rob said even the smallest comment keeps that part from continuing to swirl around. I told him, "I hate it when you make sense." He laughed and said, "Oh yes...Mr. Voice of Reason and Truth."

So, I am home later and watching "Buffy" and Spike and Buffy are talking. They had just spent the night together...but her simply in his arms being protected and not alone. At one point he asks her if she was right there with him (it being pretty much the best night of his life) and she said yes...that she made that connection. That whirled in my mind for hours.

I'm pulling away from the YS Boards, the YM Yahoo Group, IM and others because I have discovered everyone is too NICE to me. I can't handle it. The abuse (not just the sexual abuse) but the verbal and physical abuse has left me feeling so dirty and disgusting that it's hard to connect and engage after a time because I don't want to "contaminate" anyone.

Rob asked me what might happen if something serious happens to my grandfather since I seemed to be the only one able to be strong enough to deal with 911 and stuff. I said "My life becomes hell." He told me, "It will add a few extra flames to what you are living with already." Not that I 100% consider my life resembling a living hell...but yeah...there are parts that are and for him to acknowledge that and validate it...whoa.

So, as I was emailing him I was trying to figure out why after weeks of talking about the SA and getting through some of it pretty well...why the sudden shut down. He's being so nice and great and compassionate and I don't deserve it.

Monday, November 10, 2003

Sometimes Rob is so understanding it's not even funny. I bought a t-shirt today (inspired by him) that says, "It's cute how you think I'm listening." He got a kick out of it. We talked about the stuff with my grandfather and then moved onto the abuse stuff.

I couldn't get past feeling gross and disgusting. I mean, that's what I feel when I talk about it and then the feeling continues for hours/days until I can block out how gross and disgusting I feel almost ALL the time. Okay...guess I need to email him that.

Went to the library and then came home with the intention of eating lunch and keeping it down...but it's hard to do when it feels like there is someone else's tongue besides yours in your mouth. So, I ate and I purged and hurt myself...which got me to stop...because the pain was so bad.

I got my Lilo charm today. Just waiting for Bambi and "Buffy." Woo hoo!

I lead such an exciting to feed the cats and then to Starbucks!

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Another Sunday morning. Another chance to spend some time with the kids. However, today I will be in the Nursery which means I may or may not have any kids to be in the Nursery with. If not...I'll pop up to help Sara with the cupcakes the kids are decorating.

Everything just keeps getting so bleak. I am trying...I really am...trying to take joy in the smallest things...but more often than not I wake up disappointed I woke up.

I feel like such a loser having to live at home again after all these years. I want to cry, but I can't. Rob gve me a break with the abuse stuff on Thursday and I wish that would have happened tomorrow instead when I could use the break...on Thursday I was ready to do the trauma work.

But, I keep going because it can't always be like this...I know that...but right now I hate every single minute of it!

Saturday, November 08, 2003

One day this will all be over. One day anniversary dates (even good stuff) won't hurt anymore. One day I will know all the answers to all my questions. One day is not coming fast enough.

Friday, November 07, 2003

"Please try not to purge and cut in the next few days, it's not good for you," he says as he wraps me in our bi-weekly bear hug...being Jesus with skin on and giving me a mit of extra strength...especially over the weekend.

"I see you sit there and you tell me something like not continuing the application process for the church in Arizona and I see that commitment to stay here and be here. But, I KNOW you. I know there is so much more inside than just that. Do you still fear being to open and losing control?"

"Tell your mother to 'cool it' among other things."

15 more days and I will have been with Rob for a whole year...a total milestone. Things aren't perfect...I still tend to hold back at times and not pop up with the first thing that pops into my head. That is SO silly because if he has shown me once...he has shown me a zillion times that he's not going to think what I have to say is stupid or silly...but rather the most important thing he could hear at that moment. I thank God for Rob's patience with me.

Major "trauma drama" with my grandfather last night. My mom and I were watching the Lifetime 4 PM movie together and she only made one stupid comment. "I didn't know what to bring home for dinner, so I didn't bring anything. I guess we'll have nothing for sinner...but you're used to that."

ANYWAY...we settle din and watched the movie and the toward the end the phone rings. It's my grandmother and my grandpa had collapsed in the bedroom. I got my shoes on...Mom grabbed her robe thingy and off we went. I was ready to call 911 while my mom went in his room to check on him. She had me call and while I was giving 911 info, I had to go in and check on him and like my mom...I was pretty convinced he may have had a stroke. He was so out of it and the look on his face...

EMTs arrive and his blood sugar was 35...way too low. He fights them...they finally get an IV in his arm after he almost loses consciousness. They take him in and I get a ride in the ambulance while my mom and grandmother get dressed to meet me at the ER. They had him eat, drink some juice and it was finally normal enough to be able to go home. The disoriented scared me more than anything else. Seeing my constant stable in life not be able to tell the emits where he was and stuff was scary. My grandpa is 69...My grandma is 83...I'm 34...My mom is 57...I was mistaken for his WIFE...TWICE!

At least my life isn't boring...Right? I just feel so sad...So down...Maybe it's the weather...Maybe it's dealing with the changes in the last few weeks...I keep telling myself that I'm fine and I'll be fine because I haven't started Rob's Christmas present yet so I can't act until it's done. Whatever takes until this passes...

Thursday, November 06, 2003

I sit here and it reminds me of "Doogie Howser, MD." It might not, but after watching "The 80s Strikes back" on does now! I really used to like that show so that's okay.

Had the weirdest dream last night. Dreamt I was back at Remuda, but they sent me straight to IL and it was days before I finally made it on to the cul-de-sac to have my orientation and stuff. It was way weird. It was day, but it looked like it was night and the stars were incredible and some staff were there...that was weird. Aaron was chewing on a gray sweatshirt which was even stranger.

It is hard to believe Yac has been gone a week. I think of the Conventions I have been to and the memories of them and Yac flood my mind. I remember the Spiritual Retreat in San Diego the first year it was offered and the "art" we creates when getting rid of our clay and Mike's awe of what our pieces created when all "mushed" together and having it at the altar the last day when we took Communion. I have pictures of that in one of my Creative Memories albums someplace.

It's still amazing that I am getting an email here and there from people who haave heard the news and are checking on me. They know how much of a YS Freak I am and so it makes a weird sort of sense. Okay, I look at my shelf in my office filled with YS resources...some no longer vailable and friends know me well.

It is 9:25 and I am dreading 1:00 PM already. I just don't feel like bringing up the muck today. Part of me feels that since the nightmares have decreased, the flashbacks have lessened and I don't disassociate much in or out of session it's all trauma subject. But Rob is correct...there is so much there on a daily basis I feel gross and I can feel his tongue being shoved into my mouth...that is probbly the worst. I hadn't said that to Rob, but since he came out and asked me's like it's there all the time and it makes eating so hard. I did great at dinner last night...but that was my only meal...but it was on plan!

I was trying to get my mom to eat salmon with me (I baaked her a potato along with mine that she ate) and she said, "I don't have to eat balanced like you people do." You PEOPLE??? Sigh... I felt so guilty for eating after that I wanted to purge so bad...but I can't at her house without her knowing. Is she EVER going to learn?

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

You are DORY!
What Finding Nemo Character are You?

brought to you by Quizilla
Georgia O'Keefe
Fantastic!! You are GEORGIA O'KEEFE.
You are a true spirit of nature, and it shows in
the flowing floral paintings for which you are
most famous. You feel the beauty of all things
around you, and your friends appreciate you for
your ability to share that extraordinary beauty
with them.

Which famous artist most reflects your personality?
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Living with my mother is NOT a good thing...

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Today I get to pick up "Finding Nemo" at the Disney Store! Cheesy as it may seem...I am so excited and could use a little laughter right now. As I continue to read the posts and tributes to Yac...he will be sorely missed for a very long time.

Rob misunderstood my message on Friday and didn't quite hear who I meant. When he followed up with me yesterday he was just as much in shock as I was. He was a fan of "The Door" (SO Rob) and said that he had a friend who was always on the fringes of his faith and that when Yac had "The Door" that is often what kept his friend going. I LOVE when Rob shares that personal stuff with me. Which, he does more and more.

Last week, as I was yet again going through the abuse scenario...he told me when he was in Jr. High he was on Greyhound on his way to visit relatives. I told him I used to do that as well...but I was like 7 and 8...he was stunned. Anyway...he said he was sitting next to this guy carrying a large Bible and seemed friendly enough at first and toward the last couple hours of the trip...Rob realized what the guy was really AFTER. So, when I talk about the nausea and fear...he said he understands a little what it must have been like (times a whole lot more) for me.

The one good thing about moving back into my mom's house is that it does keep me accountable as far as food is concerned. I even went grocery shopping yesterday! I need to pick up a few more thing and start doing menus again...but I have been pretty much on track the last few days. Toni will be happy.