Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The Mind is a Terrible Thing...

We kicked off week 4 of "Are You a Bigger Loser Than Marko?" this week. My head is doing weird things. Like I had dinner the other night and as I was debating if the food should stay in my body I would have sworn that I could see my stomach getting bigger than it is now.

Today, after I worked out I would have sworn the same thing. It was like the shower gave my stomach time to expand about three inches.

The worst thing (okay...trying to keep from relapsing is the worst thing) is I have lost almost x number of pounds and you can't even tell. I am such a cow that it doesn't even show. Hours at the gym and eating well (okay...I generally do...maybe "barely eating" is more truthful) and you'd never know I have lost the weight.

Sunday, February 17, 2008


Williams died from an overdose of sleeping pills, a suicide that was "a direct result of her internal battle with the eating disorder," her sister, Bebe W. Reed, told The Times. "She said she could not fight the fight any longer." LA Times 2/16

I was really "hoping" her heart had just simply stopped. I lost a good friend from treatment almost 18 months because her heart just gave out (and they thought suicide at first) and while I obviously don't want anyone dead from an ED...I'd rather it be a direct cause than this. The scary part...with my friend, with Polly, with two other friends that I am so afraid I am going to lose...they are believers and they DO love God (as did Polly)...but this IS a psychological disease and not one of vanity and it can be so easy to judge. Not saying that about anyone I know...but I know how many times I have heard over the last 19 years, "If you just had enough faith..." Guess what? If I didn't...I'd be dead. I truly don't get how anyone can go through this and not have God and His strength when things get really hard/painful/etc. I know I am standing and still alive because of Him...which makes still struggling at times really hard.

It's been a lousy few days. My body just quit on me yesterday. I couldn't do anything. Today is better...but I am between work things and then youth group so I doubt I'll make the gym (AGAIN...^$$#*&#@~!) again today. That means I didn't go 2 days in a row! Ugh! I am hoping I made up for it a little by my food intake...but the scale is NOT my friend right now! I did order a Yoga DVD just for some relaxation.

Anyway, off to the HP for a two hour sit on my big behind meeting. If we get out early...I may be able to fit cardio in.