Monday, February 21, 2005


Let me start by saying I love Rob. The hard part about having a male therapist is that I can’t exactly tell him that. I can tell him how much I trust him, I can tell him he means a lot and that I feel very safe in his office and in his hugs…but anything other than that sounds funny. I almost blurted it out today though.

It was very, very awkward going in today. Things were so weird with my sort of misinterpreting stuff and even though we cleared it up (sorta) through email I still felt funny. I literally took a deep breath before walking into the waiting room.

We talked about how different Thursday was compared to other sessions, we talked about how it left me pretty zombie like until Saturday and how I could remember the movies I saw, but conversations with people were a bit of a blur. I could remember certain things about our session…but not the stuff when we were doing the back and forth thing. There was something I really wanted to remember and was frustrated I couldn’t. We moved on to a few other things.

We talked about my issues with being in control. We talked about what losing control would look like to me. As much as I fear losing control emotionally…I wasn’t sure what that would look like. Crying and not being able to speak, losing focus, thoughts all over the place, etc. I said not being able to keep the “negative” emotions at bay. The simple act of crying itself is losing control for me. So, we are going to work on that…since his office IS a safe place for me…we are going to work on me allowing myself to feel and know that he is there to make sure my emotional and physical feet are on the ground when I leave his office. He said that I have been so hyper-vigilant about every minute of my life that I need to find the balance. He said later he may have been a little sarcastic about that, but that he realizes it once served a great purpose for me…but that the stress is causes for me to live that way is not a good thing. He asked me what the worst thing that would happen if I lost control. I told him probably the worst thing is I would end up cutting.

We finally went back to him being me and me being the voice “thing” because I was really struggling with not remembering much of it. He hesitated only because we only had maybe 20 minutes tops if he went over with me a little bit. But, we kept it kinda neutral and he did a lot more of him being me and also him being him and I think that helped keep me from getting too emotional and having a hard time pulling it together to leave.

It worked though. It was weird because I didn’t look at him, kinda stayed curled in a ball with Frederick and focused on the “Kermit in the fake (??) Fichus” as we talked. We fell into the dialogue pretty easily and as we repeated stuff from Thursday what I was looking for came to me. There was the usual I wanted too much/needed too much stuff that I remembered from Thursday and then it came to me….the piece I had been looking for. I came out of my “fog,” long enough to tell him that was it…I got it…and then refocused and told him I am drain.

One thing he did that was “new and different” was as he spoke to me as him it was like he was talking to me at 3, 4, 5 years old (and older, too). He was saying things such as, “The big people really hurt you, didn’t they?” “The big people didn’t make you feel good about you, did they?” It was kind of funny…but resonated SO much with me that I really responded to it. I don’t know if there was something in my voice that became more child-like or if it was body language or the fact that all this stems from my childhood…and I guess it doesn’t matter in the long run. Thursday we will dive in more.

I did something that I hope made his day…or at least his hour…I handed over my rubber bands. Today marks 4 months since the last time I cut. I had the rubber bands on my wrist for at least three…but the damage was far less with those than with the blades.

Every so often he will ask me to leave them with him. I always tell him no because I have access to thousands of them at work so why bother. I know what I did on Thursday bothered him and he had asked me for them after our session last week.

As I was putting my shoes on after our session (I take them off because I always have my feet on the couch) I was telling him it had been 4 months and handed him the rubber bands. It was unexpected (really on both sides…more his though) and I could tell he was really happy that I chose to do that. I think because I can’t tell him I love him…I have to do it in other ways…baking, little gifts, handing over the rubber bands, etc. I feel very naked without them and want to get some and put them back on…but this is a right step. He knows that he may find new ones on my wrist Thursday…but for today at least…they are gone.

Sunday, February 20, 2005


I guess I should explain Rob’s comment. He did say that…but in an email I received from him after I THANKED him for finally agreeing with me. He said: “I affirm your feelings of feeling like a mistake - I don't agree with you in the way you perceive me to...”

Let me start from the beginning. Thursday’s session did not go well. Well…at the beginning it didn’t go well. I watched the DVD on “Mindfulness” and pretty much spent that hour snapping the rubber bands on my wrist. It got really red and a bit swollen and when we got into his office he saw it and that started us off on a bad note. I know it frustrates him that it seems like I am stuck right now and have been unable to move forward much.

It finally came down to what do I see as the biggest issue (or something like that) and I said the fact that I absolutely hate myself and that I know the truth of who/what I am makes it worse because I KNOW what the truth is…all I have to do is pick up the Bible. I talked about me being a mistake and at one point he agreed with me…not simply to affirm my feelings…but simply a, “Yes, you were and accident.” We went back and forth about it for a little while and then he tried something new. He was me and I was “the voice.” GREEAATTT…

So, I started out with “you are a mistake.” He was me and did what I told him I usually do…say “I am not.” Okay, that gets me nowhere and I don’t think I saw that. We do it again and he begins to question me/the voice. It really touched some painful stuff…but we got to what we needed to…what I needed to. Not that I have given much thought to it because I spent the rest of Thursday and all day Friday in kind of a fog. I was not fully present in anything I did.

Yesterday was much better…but I almost lost it again last night. Most of it had little to do with any of this…but it just compounded the feelings of being worthless and a mistake…that at my mother…but that is a whole other issue.

I REALLY wanted to cut last night. I could picture it, I could almost feel it…and I wanted it. I didn’t care that most of my scars have healed and that even though you can see them…they look a lot better and not quite as ugly. I just wanted to do it and get it over worth. Just once.

However, tomorrow it will be four months since the last time I cut and last week was five months since the last time I purged. I TRY to be happy about it and realize that it IS an accomplishment…but it still seems like not much in the scheme of things.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

I'm a MISTAKE...

It is official.

FINALLY someone decided to quit lying to me and confirm what I keep saying...I am mistake. Rob agreed with me today.

I'm a MISTAKE...

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Retreat Stuff...

This is the stuff I wrote during the retreat…well…until I started having a good time! ;)

It’s an hour until dinner -- but I already feel as if this was a HUGE mistake. I want to cut…I want to cut bad and I want to cut NOW -- anything to take away some of the anxiety.

I did the smart thing (for once) I left my room and went to the bookstore and bought a book. Now I am sitting in the Lakeside Lounge trying to figure out why I should stay. Right now I am really not coming up with anything.

I know why I want to flee…same reason I out off seeing Shay, the same reason I have talked about off and on the last couple weeks…I don’t feel good enough to be here with these women. I feel utterly lost in the sea of these people…these absolutely talented and wonderful women…I don’t belong among them…I feel like some impostor tying to fit in.

We have small groups tomorrow. HA! That is going to be a HUGE joke. I have nothing to say…nothing to offer. They pay me to teach their kids about Jesus…not blabber about something that 9 times out of 10 is Youth or Children’s Ministry related.

I should have brought my lap top. We have roughly FIVE hours of free time tomorrow. Ack! The one cool thing is I know my way around pretty well if I go into Santa Cruz.

One thing I ALWAYS tell my kids is that you are on a retreat, at camp, etc. not by accident. For whatever reason, God has called you here. I am trying to keep that in my own head! I was NOT supposed to be here. If Cindy hadn’t given me her spot, I would be home playing with Spike, waiting for my mom to get home from work, watching “Joan of Arcadia,” etc. But, here I sit trying to let being anxious OK and failing….miserably!

I keep telling myself telling myself to run -- to get out of Dodge as quickly as possible and come up with some really lame excuse. But I know that would be the absolute lame thing to do.

I also know I REALLY need to get over myself because in April I’m going to be at PDCM and there it will be a bunch of strangers, which actually makes it a little easier.

It was weird having people tell me they were glad to see me…

Friday, February 11, 2005

Long Time...No Blog!

This has been a long week and so I haven't had much to say! I was sick most of the week...feeling a bit better now...but still not 100%. I actually took 2 days OFF work to stay home and rest and that is not normal...but I couldn't function...mainly because I felt exhausted. Wednesday I was at least able to get some work done at home and that was good because I have been trying to do a week's worth of stuff the last two days.
Rob FINALLY had a memory lapse. I am not quite sure why, but both of us had a hard time remembering stuff from Monday. I still felt stupid for it...but at least I wasn't alone in the forgetting. He even looked up his notes.
I think he was fairly frustrated with my inability or unwillingness (?) to admit that food is a basic need for life. I think I told him something like, "As long as I don't go 60 days without food it's all good." Then he said I may be having a ahrd time because of the meaning I put to it. That if I move food BACK to the basic needs caregory then it means I will eat more. He said it doesn't have to. THAT is where he missed the boat. I asked him of that meant if I moved it over than I can continue to subsist on XXX number of calories a day? He still didn't get it.
He let me bring Frederick hom with me so he and I will be heading up to Mt. Hermon this afternoon for the Women's Retreat. I can only be there until tomorrow night...but I think I am glad I am going. I am having huge amounts of anxiety (Rob is thrilled is I am acknowledging a feeling) about it...but it was awesome of Cindy to let me take her place so I am going anyway. Frederick will help make it better!
I got to meet Shay yesterday (WOO HOO!) and I was scared spitless over that as well. Not of Shay....cuz she is AWESOME...but the automatic "why would she even WANT to spend time with me? What have I got to offer ANYONE?" stuff. But, I am so glad we did meet and hang out and even eat. And, since that was my first and only meal of the was probably a good thing. I wish we would have more time!

Friday, February 04, 2005

My Pondering for the Weekend...

I figured this out yesterday as Rob and I were talking about my perfectionistic tendencies:

I don't try to be perfect to be MORE than human...
I try to be perfect to BE human.

I am still trying to figure out what that means because...duh...obviously a human...but not sure I believe I am a person...if that makes any sense...

Thursday, February 03, 2005

What to Do...

I am quite confused about what to do with the whole youth group in Santa Cruz thing. Right now the leader to student ration is 1:2 and since there is Jessica and myself the girls really don't need both of us...and she is there all the time. I just feel like I am not needed there and not sure how much of that is because I'm me and how much of it is because I have no real role. Meaning, Alex is Game Guy, Andrew is the Big Cheese, Jessica is Events Girl, Dave is "Old" Faithful and then there is me. I asked for a role...I WANT a role...Alex, Jess and Andrew and meeting with Pastor Lee tomorrow...maybe that will help!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Email to Rob

So...I sent this's edited:

I think I am still trying to get my head around taking food out of the list of basic needs for life. Mainly because I think I am still convinced that the human body can thrive on less than 700-800 calories a day and that I haven't decided how much I want it IN my list of basic needs for life.

I look at it as something that that I have to do sooner or later, but have no real interest in and most of the time could care less if I dropped dead from not eating. There were so many times that I used to wish that a purge would finally be the thing to screw up my electrolytes and I'd just drop dead. No such luck.

Today as my mom and I were trying to decide what to eat...she said how about nothing? I told her that was perfectly fine with me...I wasn't too hungry anyway. We ended up at Togo's and it took me 20 minutes to decide and then about 40 minutes to eat it. I think what is going to be hard now is that she works until 7 and I can cook and then throw away a portion so she thinks I ate. And yes, I know that is totally nuts and the wrong thing to do, etc., etc. and right now I am not sure how much I care and THAT bugs me...because I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life.

Very slowly I am feeling it though. The cramps in my legs, the fact I am cutting down on water and liquid in general (I had a bottle of water about an hour ago...first other than a sip (when I took meds) this morning, probably the weird dreams, etc. But it feels very familiar and well...while I know that isn't a good thing...
I tried to eat today...well I DID eat and it was a mistake in terms of I had what I wanted rather than what was prudent and am paying for it. Yuck. Lesson learned. So, we will try again at dinner. I went and got my ingredients for the skillet dish I am making and we'll see what happen!