Thursday, July 27, 2006


Tomorrow the retreat starts! Ack! I think I am pretty well prepared...but we'll see. I just know God is going to show up and I think that's why I am so calm. I have got to get the Prayer Walk/Stations thing done tonight though. As I pack up and get ready to leave my house sitting gig!

Friday, July 21, 2006

What is Going on in My Head?





Change is good. Change is a part of life. But, I think change is what is kicking off the ED stuff in my head. Of course the timing stinks because Rob and Toni are on vacation, but change waits for no one. Not that I can't handle it...I am pretty sure I CAN and it's not even bad stuff...but I think it is just uncovering wounds that haven't quite healed.

I feel silly for letting Debra starting at church get to me. I met with her for almost three hours. I love her, I think she can make stuff happen that I wanted to...but for reasons not all ED related...probably wouldn't have in the first place and I know the kids are going to love her as well. Yet, it still hurts. I think the good thing is I can hear Rob tell me that as much as I don't want it to or as much as I tell myself that it "shouldn't" hurt that the reality is it does. And it makes sense why. Hating myself for feeling what I am isn't helping, blah, blah blah...

The thing is that I can tell myself all that...but he's in Santa Barbara (or will be) and I have a hard time sitting with it alone. I do understand where it comes from. I loved the kids, I loved being their YD, but it's been over for three years and honestly, I wouldn't take the job back if they offered it (I like being "just" a volunteer), but it's still hard to see someone else in that role. I knew those feelings would probably surface, but I think I am surprised they actually DID.

The first thing I want to do is purge those feelings. There are times I want to yell at Rob and tell him it's not fair that I had to give up behaviors before I was ready to do it for myself...that I did it more out of fear of what would happen if I couldn't control them. Then I want to tell him that in such and such a movie (thanks, Lifetime) so and so's therapist didn't make her quit until she was ready to release the behaviors herself. But, this isn't a made for TV movie. I am beginning to think I am really mad at Rob for pretty much making me give it all up cold turkey. Not that I want to go back. But, I need to know it is not the end of the world if I slip at some point in time.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


Let's see...

1. The new Youth Director started and she ROCKS! I am excited to have her on staff, to have be part of her YM team and for what God is going to do through her. She feels many of the same things about the group that has been flaoting in my head and I know she is the catalyst that will bring that stuff to fruition.

2. House sitting is going well. I am getting used to it...which is kinda bad since the 30th I will be back to my house and all that goes with it. Thought tomorrow I may go over there. I miss my doggies. I like Molly...but it is not quite the same.

3. Food is starting to improve. It's hard because of the heat...but I'm doing it. I just hate it because of how I feel everytime I need to start from scratch...should be incentive. However, there are times I really, really, really like the feeling of no food in my body and that far outweighs anything else much of the time.

4. Rob goes on vacation next week. I was expecting it (he confirmed last week), but I wish it wasn't the week before the retreat I am speaking at. I could just use that safe place next week before I do this thing. At least if I stink too bad I won't worry about them spending $$ on me...I only get mileage. The theme is "God's Presence" and thanks to Chris over at Paradoxology, I got some ideas that spurred other things in my head.

5. Numbers. I am working on that one this week with Rob. What they mean to me, why they mean anything, what they get in the way of, etc. I told him a huge motivation for not engaging in behaviors are my numbers. I don't want to break my streak, but I thought that was not a good motivation. Then I got really honest and told him the other motivation was what happened the last time I used a behavior (other than restriction). Granted, I had kept Rob in the dark for a week, but the look on his face, the silence in the office, the fact he was almost going to terminate me for being "defiant," has been a deterrent to be sure. I am also sure in the past almost 21 months that I have embellished in my head his reaction...but maybe not. Don't want to find out.

I was worried about what I had said when I mailed him later he thought it was "honest and refreshing" and wants me to wear a mirror on my head so he can watch his facials! HA! He is a nut. Which I remind him of everytime I bake him something with nuts in them.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Time Flies...

Pool and Praise went well. Seven kids came which is more than usually come to youth group on Sunday nights! Okay, that's because we don't have a ton of Junior Highers...but with the new kids moved up that will change come fall.

Yesterday I was taking Molly out for a walk and walked a mile and a half. This is a good and bad thing. The part of me that liked to overexercise would do this several times a day. However, the weather makes it a moot point. I wore the poor dog out!

On our way back to the house, we passed a Planned Parenthood. Just speaking in terms of rights...PP has every right to be there and the protesters have every right to protest on public property. However, from a 1/2 block away hearing these "well meaning Christians" yell at a client and then getting closer and seeing the PP staff has to have dogs with them, has to block off their property, etc. Well, it just rubbed me the wrong way. That's all I am going to say about that.

I should give up food. 1) I don't need it and 2) I have had the worst luck lately. I decided to buckle down and eat three meals yesterday. I did. But, the chicken I made for dinner didn;t make it BACK to the fridge last night. Ugh. I was so bummed. So, decided to cook the steak I bough the other day. It looked "funny." I checked the "sell by" date. In the trash it had to go. Like I have $$ to waste. I would think this is all subconscious, but I LIKED the way my chicken turned out and I would have been thrilled to have leftovers. Grrrr....

I still need to write my retreat talks. It's all in my head...I just need to get it all on paper!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Pool and Praise!

Tonight starts our annual summer "Pool and Praise." I have NO clue who is coming. As usual, no one bothers to tell me these things...even when I ask. I expect it will be the "usual suspects," and I am bringing one of them with me!

This summer we pretty much have stopped everything (Sunday School and "normal" youth group)and next year I am either going to really push for no SS for all...or make sure that someone else does child care and we do have something for Jr. High...especially with the new 6th graders moving up. This has got to be a little strange for them...even though they know all the others anyway.

I am going to take them through Steven James' "Never be the Same." I think it will appeal to all of them. Then I will have a few of the follow up questions on the Jr. High blog. This means "S" and "G" and "M" will be the only ones who answer...but it'll be OK.

The new Youth Director starts Monday. I can't wait to meet with her. I have no clue of she is going to do what I did (be with high school and let the volunteers run Jr. High) or if she has a new structure in mind. I really want to give a lot of Children's Ministry leadership away in the fall. Not so I can pursue Jr. High (afterall, I am "just" a volunteer), but because I need to and I want to and I think we are really in a place where equipping people will be a huge success.

My SP told me that after almost four years, some people aren't quite sure what I do and others are confused about the new hire and think I'm leaving. Ummm...I haven't been Youth Director in THREE years! HELLO! I can't tell you how well this is all communicated. Home meetings, Town meetings, newsletter, power point, how I introduce myself from the pulpit when I do announcements, etc. Okay, the fact people still think I am "in charge" of youth...kind of neat...but I pray that causes no problems for Debra. I think she is going to be INCREDIBLE and may be just the person to knock these kids out of their Holy Huddle syndrome. It took me a good 12 months to do that at my first church and I see a lot of similarities. Most of these kids (Jr. High through High School) have been together since they were born!

Anyway, pray for us tonight. I know the boys will be annoyed at the "praise" part of the night...but that's life!

Monday, July 10, 2006

Grrr...Why is this SO Hard?????

I should be in bed...or at least trying to relax and get some sleep. But, I am sitting here wanting to cut into my skin and make a box of Mac n' Cheese and throw it up. The worst thing is I don't know WHY.

I can think of some superficial reasons...but nothing really deep down and all that "fun" stuff. Maybe some of it is carry over from my faux pas from last week and not being able to resolve anything since I won't see Rob until Thursday. Maybe it is house sitting...I don't know how to be alone anymore. I really don't. As much as my mom drives me least there is another person around. This is pathetic.

Besides giving in being a really, really bad choice...the only other reason I'm not is that I don't want to break my streaks. That be a lousy reason...but it's all I got right now!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

This week I was fortunate enough to go to the 2nd game of the 4 game series between the Oakland A's and the Angels. Sorry, I REFUSE to call them by their full name. This is my third game this in Anaheim, one at AT&T (thank you interleague play) and this one. I got a single ticket from eBay for a little less than 1/2 of what the person paid for it. I was in section 114, row 9, seat 11. Now, that is right behind the Angel dugout. It may have been row 9...but it was only FOUR rows up from the dugout. OMG!!! I was in heaven!

Lackey absolutely rocked (except for his first pitch...but who cares?)and I got to see Tim Salmon play. Okay, he went 0 for 4...but the fact he is there and on the roster is good enough for me. I have watched him his whole career as he went from Tom "freshly cooked" Salmon to "King Salmon."

They took 3 of 4 and are going into the All Star break 2 games in back of the A's and Rangers and a 1/2 game ahead of Seattle. They needed the wins!

People are generally very nice to me when I go to the games in all my Angels garb. Okay, that consists of a t-shirt and sweatshirt, but they are red and people know where my heart lies. But, I a not obnoxious about my fondness for the Angels and even I know the umpires made some pretty bad calls against the A's and shared that with those around me. Not that those calls caused the A's to lose the game...but they were pretty bad.

Chavez was up for the A's and I told the guys next to me I have mixed feelings because he is on my Fantasy team. That sealed it. They were stunned that a woman would even participate in a league and that kept them from bugging me about like the Angels for the rest of the game.

I am house sitting for the rest of the month and it's nice. A little weird...but nice. This also means I have DSL for the rest of the month and I love that!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Trying to be Positive... was very weird being home today instead of in Rob's office and playing with Frederick's ear as we talked. I had to cancel Monday so I will have all his money and be back on track NEXT Thursday.

Anyway, I talked to my SP yesterday and he is 100% fine with me continuing on with Jr. High! I don't know why he keeps pointing out that they can't pay me. Duh. I know that. I am just looking forward to meeting the new YD and helping in any way I can.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I Try...

Working PT, I try really hard to watch how I spend money. I have two credit cards "normal" credit card and one from Old Navy. I could give up my other one no problem...but I "need" my Old Navy one and have been very good about both of them. Until my So Cal no more using the MC for at least six months. I try and make more than the minimum payments on both and usually succeed.

This month is turning into the worst first two weeks of any month financially in a long time. In the next few days I have my MC payment, my AAA membership renewal, my car insurance payment, I put off my cat's rabies booster so now I have to get it or I will be fined by the city and one more thing I can't recall. I worked and worked my numbers and even if one of two reimbursement checks I am getting for supplies and VBS stuff, I will barely make it to next Friday's pay day.

Yesterday, I emailed Rob and Toni to let them I am pretty sure I'd have to cancel my appointments. As I looked at my account and added it all up, there was no way I could spend an extra $130 on treatment stuff this week. It's just not there.

With Toni it was no problem. I rescheduled. NEVER in 3 1/2+ years have I ever had to cancel Rob. We have rescheduled (by his request at times and at my request as well, such as last week for VBS), we have cancelled when we are out of town and I let him know weeks in advance and vice versa. But, I have never had to cancel for any other reason. I haven't even seen his cancellation policy since the day I walked into his office. THAT is a huge, costly mistake:

Cancellation Policy

Cancellation needs to be made at least 50 hours (2 days for weekly schedule) or 100 hours (4 days for every-other-week schedule) in advance from the time of your appointment to avoid being charged for the session. Please do note that you will be responsible for full payment of session if you do not cancel before your scheduled appointment. ALSO NOTE THAT CANCELLATION NEEDS TO BE BY PHONE – NOT E-MAIL.

So, I had to cancel because I don't have the $80 to see him tomorrow and yet I now owe him that money anyway. I had to cancel Toni for next week so I can pay him what I owe him on top of the $100 a week I already pay him. At this point I may cancel Monday so I have the money to pay him all $160 next Thursday.

I know the policy isn't there to punish me...but oh my gosh. I have never missed an appointment, never cancelled on a whim. I have been there faithfully 2x a week for most of the 3 1/2+ years. You'd think there be at least one "grace" screw up. Heck, at RR you get one grace meal when you get there!

I feel like an idiot. I was cancelling so I wouldn't be cutting myself short and now I am still all screwed up this month.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Why I "Hate" the 4th of July...

Okay, I don't really. It's just been a LONG four hours with my grandparents and my mom and I am so glad she is going off to her room and will leave me alone for the rest of the night.

Actually, six years ago on the 4th of July I was bored to death because I was a 1a (I had been at RR for three days) and as such was not allowed to play any of the games nor walk anywhere until my labs came back. It was actually a BETTER 4th than today.

Not that it has been a huge disaster or anything, but it just grates on me when my grandmother refers to spumoni as "wop ice cream," she is just buzzed enough to bemoan some old boyfriend 20 years her junior about 40 years ago who brought her a dozen long stemmed roses on the 4th of July and my mother on the couch sleeping the day away. Oh, and my grandmother ants me to try and use the 'Net to track the giy down. It was really nice escaping to my grandfather's bedroom and reading his newspaper and watching TV with him. Can today be over already? on the new Youth Director! One of my Jr. High girls posted on our chat box on the Children's Ministry blog who it is. Gigi's mom is on Session so that is how she knows. Anyway, at the end of May we had one of our Coffee Houses/Open Mic. nights. This awesome African American family attended and honestly I was thinking Choir Director and not Youth Director when they showed up. Anyway, the mom from that family is going to be the new Youth Director and that is too, too awesome! Her daughter has an incredible voice and I hope she'll join the Youth Worship Team. I can't wait to officially meet them! I think it is going to be a GOOD thing!

Monday, July 03, 2006

Monday Musings

VBS 2006 is over. All I need to do is move the stuff we put in the narthex to storage and remove the Daily Challenge Flags to my office. I need to clean up the Children’s Church room, make returns to Berean Christian Store and then wait for Group to release the 2007 theme next Monday.

I am not sure I can adequately express what last week meant, how it went, etc. Not because I don’t know how it went…but because I have failed to engage in those feelings. As an outsider looking in, I think it was fantastic. We only had 25 kids, but they sang, they ran, they loved their leaders and you could tell they were having a blast. The feedback has been 100% positive…from the leaders, from the kids and from the parents. They told me about their kids singing VBS songs in the car all the time, they told me how much the kids loved their leaders and they thanked me for all my hard work. Heck, I’d do it again in a heartbeat…I am still exhausted…but it is all worth it.

My constant refrain is that I don’t deserve to feel good about what happened last week. I was simply doing my job. Rob told me there is no “deserve” about it and I get that in my head…but the rest of my being just scream that I don’t deserve to take any enjoyment out of what happened. It is selfish, self-centered and my volunteers deserve all the credit. Without them it could not have happened. Rob and I talked about choice…that when “I don’t deserve” pops up I have a choice what to believe. I told him I understand that, but it doesn’t feel like a choice. It doesn’t feel like I have the option of believing it or not…it just is.

Then I again told him what I hate to admit. I hate to admit it because even though it is true…it goes against every single thing I know to be true as a Christian. I told him that it would be so much easier to see these things as choices or to question my belief in certain things if I didn’t hate myself so much. The “funny” thing about that is I can look at things through a 3rd person lens and can’t figure out WHY or HOW I can possible hate myself with such a passion at times.

I have a job that while only PT I have come to love more than I ever thought possible. I have some great relationships with the Jr. Highers that are authentic and that means there is something there they see that I cannot. One of my friends asked me if the 5th and 6th graders were OK with coming to VBS. I could honestly tell her they like me so they are cool with it. For better or worse, I am fairly capable in the kitchen and love to share that gift with friends, family and Rob. I know that I know that I know I am not faking any of it; I can see where God has gifted me for ministry and am in the right place for this time in my life but there is that constant gnawing, that constant voice and the feeling at the core of me that it’s wrong…that I am wrong…that I am an example of a total failure.

It’s like I should just be able to tell myself that I know that has to be a bunch of baloney because if it were really true how could I walk into the Nursery and see John turn around and give me a huge smile or Anna let me cuddle her or kids I barely met at the beginning of the week giving me hugs and telling me they will be back next year!

We finally hired a Youth Director. I am excited and yet a little worried. It’s been three years since the job was stripped from me, but I am still not sure how I really feel. I wish it were a guy…I think it’d be easier! My biggest fear is that they are going to take Jr. High away from me. I can follow…that is not a problem and yet I can see why they would want me 100% out of the picture to let someone new make the connections. If that happens I know I am going to have some problems readjusting. I want to and need to support the new person so I will do it if I am asked…but I pray that they will allow me to continue on.