Friday, September 30, 2005

The Aftermath


I stood up to answer a question and got really dizzy. That is my cue to force food down my throat no matter what, no matter how much my body protests and no matter how much I want to throw it up afterward.

I left HQ and found a place that was actually open! So, I ate...and really didn't overdo it...I just haven't had much in my body since dinner Tuesday night. I am realy fighting to keep it down and not in I wanna purge it, but more of I feel really, really full and am not sure how much of a choice I am going to have! I am just trying to relax and know that salmon is a GOOD food and the mushrooms are not going to kill me.

So, I know I need to even my food out and get back on track the rest of the weekend. Toni said she'd work with me to get me there after we see how far I have slipped...but I think I can pick it back up before I see her next week.

I took Frederick with me today. I really didn't want to explain that the dog belongs to my therapist and I wanted to have it with me since I won't see him until Thursday, so I said it belongs to a friend (hey...he calls me that at times) and I take it everyplace with me. He was pretty much out of the way, but I liked having him in the booth. Truthfully, I am fine without seeing Rob. I email him every day and just update him and I know I would have been fine without Frederick...but he is a great extra pillow! :)

I see how easily I could fall back into it all and it is encouraging that while the thoughts are there...the actions really don't go along with them. Afterall, in the not so distant past I would have gone ahead and purged and as I was using the box cutter tonight...the thoughts I had about using it in other ways (I was frustrated with some stuff) didn't go far. I guess I am getting more "comfortable" with the thoughts just being there and me not trying to fight them and end up in a stressed out tizzy!

Tomorrow is SCC and I am sooooooo excited. That is the one day I plan on using my All Access pass to hang in the Green Room and at least get to say hello. I also want to register for The Core. I bought the shirt the guy staff members wore today (we had a pink one that is totally different) and the red track jacket. I also got a free DC/LA Alumni T-shirt. I can just rotate the shirts each week for now on! :)


I so need to get a grip. I am really doing fine and I am LOVING what I am doing at HQ...but I also cannot eat at all. I am starving...I mean I am getting really hungry but the thought of food turns my stomach and the thought of food makes me want to cry.

But, enough of my whining.

Today we took a prayer walk to pray for each area of the NYWC. As we stood on stage to pray for those attending...I found myself in was awesome to look out at 3500 or so seats and knowing who might be filling those seats. To hear the laughter because of the Skit Guys and seeing people on their knees in worship has been a total blessing! I have barely left the booth since yesterday because I don't want to miss what God is doing I am a people person! :)

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Day ONE...

I keep trying to post pix and it's not working...even with high speed wi-fi. I have some "before" pix as we were getting ready and wanted to do "after" pix as we beginng with the 1st General Session tomorrow.
Today was the first day in HQ and we answered questions, ran a few errands and gave out a TON of candy. The stupid little ED voice rejoices in the fact that as EVERYONE (and I do mean everyone....even Marko who ate my Smarties...I wouldn't have eaten them anyway) was munching on chocolate and Red Vines...I would not allow myself as much as a Tootsie Roll...or much of anything else. I had about 1/4 of a small bag of trail mix, two gum balls (from the Remuda Ranch booth no less!) and a just had a granola bar. I feel like I have done nothing but eat sinceI got here and since I sit, it makes it harder to convince myself that since I am no longer lugging hundreds of pounds worth of books, that I still need to eat.
The best thing was actually having a Remuda Ranch staff person to process my thinking with. We talked about that even thought I am so glad I am here and am really feeling "good" stress...stress is stress and my body is doing what it always does...shuts down my hunger center and goes into focus/perfection mode which means I don't feel hunger cues. I am here to do a job (one I have been waiting to do for YEARS mind you) and nothing is going to prevent me from being the best I can be...that usually means no food because that takes time away from the task at hand.
Then there is the stupid little power trip my head goes on because others needed to go eat and I was fine (scary thing is...I really AM doing fine) with nothing. It's a control issue for sure. I can control my food and that "helps" me control what I need to in my little area...until someone is asking me a question and then two other people on either side also asks me a question and my brian just stops.
I need to force myself to matter what and allow myself a Tootsie Pop if I want one!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


I should be asleep...I have staff meeting in eight hours...but I am wide awake! I finished early (meaning HQ team didn't have to go back after dinner) and thought I would actually go to bed early...but that is so not happening. I am not sure if it is because I am excited about the start of NYWC in the AM or nervous or what. I am looking forward to all of it and with two content to be at HQ all 12 hours if need be. I want to see SCC and Ted Dekker...other than that I'm good!

I am nervous/looking forward to meeting people from the various forums and possibly seeing people I have not seen in a "bazillion" years...but mostly I don't want to screw up and give out the wrong info. For those who know me well...that means that yes, I have looked at the notebook over and over and over and over, semi-memorized the schedule, etc. I just want God to do with me this week (and always) what He needs me to do...I am really open to "whatever." Of course, should "whatever" also mean getting to re-meet Steven Curtis Chapman...I would be a happy camper!

So, it is time to post this and try and get some sleep. Love my roomie...but she snores...big time! More to come!

NYWC Day 2...

I'm sore, I'm a little sleepy...but I an up and ready to get our final full day of prep going! One of the veteran volunteers said I was the toughest guy they have! That is because I lugged many hundreds of pounds worth of YS product around the store! If you are! I finally broke down and took a break when I went to lift a 23 pound box and I couldn't do it. So, I collapsed on the floor for about 10 minutes and started back in again and almost finished...if we hadn't been leaving for dinner soon after being excused...I would have stayed and finished.

I hate to say it...but I am actually eating MORE since I have been here. I hate it...but there is no way I could have done what I managed to do yesterday if I hadn't had some fruit and a piece of toast in the AM and a cup of veggie soup at lunch. So, I repeated that today.

Frederick will join me at HQ tomorrow and I told Mindi I have him with me!

I still can't believe I am here...the hard work doesn't bother me, the soreness is a good sore so it's all good and I really love this city!

I admit I have been a YS junkie ever since my first one dat event eons ago and this just feeds that fire...I can't describe it yet...but to be a small part of this team this week is an honor and something I know I won't forget.

Oh...and I get to wear a PINK t-shirt!!!!!!!!! Doesn't take much to make me happy!

Friday, September 23, 2005

Only a Few More Days!!!

In a few short days I will be headed to Sacramento to be a volunteer at the National Youth Worker's Convention! After being turned down three years in a row...I finally get to make a return! The last time I was at a convention was 2001 in Dallas!

I remember my first convention. It was in San Diego and I was allowed to go (the only volunteer my church ever sent while I was there) with the paid staff as a kind of "reward" for bending to their will. Basically, I was directing a play at another church and it did NOT interfere with my duties as a volunteer at my church and the Pastor of Christian Ed. and thr youth staff were ticked. So, I had to either step down at the Crystal Cathedral or quit directing the play. I quit and they rewarded me by sending me to NYWC with the paid staff and our new YP.

We got there a little late...just as the first main session was starting. But, like it was yesterday, I can still remember Yac's entrance. He was carried in as if he was Cleopatra (okay...he was a man...but you get the picture) and then he went into the "usual" opening spiel that I have NEVER tired of. Prior to 2001, the last NYWC I had attended was 1997 and it was so nice to hear those familiar words!

After that year I was hooked and managed to scrimp, save and ask for registration costs as a B-day present for the next few years. 1997 turned out to be my last convention as I started my first job as a 1/4 time Youth Director, my first foray into volunteer Children's Ministry and my first stint at Remuda Ranch. When I moved to Indiana...the first thing I aksed about was NYWC and they gladly shipped me off to Dallas!

I know it will be a different ball game this time. I wouldn't have volunteered otherwise. But, I think I am at a place in my life where I want to find some way to give back to the other youth workers attending. Okay, getting to probably see some friends is a great pull as well...and oh my gosh I hope I get to see Les Christie...but that is not my motivation.

I have been trying to wrap up everything here and other than some copies of lessons I am done. Sunday I need to do our last Children's Church lesson (then my Elder will take over for a bit. Truth be told...she loves to teach and using the DVD it's not the same for her!) and after church do a Biblemaniacs Oreintation for October and I am set. Come home, do laundry, put gas in the car and on Monday go see Rob and leave right from his office. I am really hoping I get to bring Frederick with me. I emailed Rob and asked, but I haven't heard back.

I think another positive is my SP is okay with me doing this...that he feels confident enough with what I am doing here right now that this is a positive thing for me. It is my vacation time so he can't tell me what I can or can't do on said vacation...but I am really happy is good with me doing this!

Foe those going to Sacramento...track me down! I'd love to meet you!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Heading Toward Another Milestone...

Today marks the 11 months since the last time I have self-harmed and also means it has been 11 months that I have not used purging and cutting at the same time... meaning where BOTH behaviors have ceased. That is almost the bigger milestone. Now if I can throw three meals into the mix that would be good...but food/meals is still a HUGE issue for me...but we are working on it!

I hate it...but I have the exercise under control and I hope in another 4 weeks or so I can get either a 4th day OR be able to add a group exercise class. I asked Toni and even yoga is out for now. It would be so easy to not stick to our agreement and do what I want to do at the gym...but sooner or later it'd be found out. I am a LOUSY liar and you can only hide over-exercising too long. I my case it would be a LONG time...but still. Plus it would get me nowhere and I want recovery...there are just days that I want to chuck it all. I do not think I am alone in that though.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Kids Club...

About a year ago, my SP and I were approached by Church Resource Network about starting an after school Kids Club at the local elementary school. He and I had been talking about outreach and this was perfect! A few months later...we started and had a good few months.

San Jose Unified closed school...AGAIN...and the population of our school doubled so we knew that we wouldn't be starting Kids Club right away which was fine...I have been having a really hard time recruiting anyone! People work so it's hard to find those who are available at 2:45 PM once a week!

Yesterday, I found out that Trace does not have room for us. Truly, I do not see this as a bad thing. One of my leaders has some stuff going on at home and she is one of the Jr. High leaders to boot and that keeps her busy. My other leader may end up losing her job with the whole Hewlett Packard downsizing and I have enough to deal with! The GOOD thing is we have a relationship with the principal so there are other ways we can serve that school.

Before she became principal at Trace she was the principal of the school directly across the street and members of our church volunteered in the classroom and the library. I see us reaching out in that way again. Plus, as long as we get district approval, we can send Trunk & Treat flyers home with the kids as well as other events AND their choir sings at the community Christmas Tree Lighting for our neighborhood.

The lack of volunteers? The one thing I have to say about our members is they take the Great Commission as a suggestion and it isn't real in their lives. I know that is a goal for the coming year(s) to get our members to not just think globally (we do a GREAT job with overseas and some local missionaries), but to think about those in their own lives and in our community.

Okay, off to finish some manual rewrites and get October curriculum ready!

Sunday, September 18, 2005

It's Time For Biblemaniacs!

I really don't like that name...but until we can come up with something better...I will continue to use it. The good thing is, my SP is not "married" to the name and it can be changed.

We use the Workshop Rotation Model (WoRM) and it was one of the things that drew me here 3 years ago. I had heard of it while in Indiana and LOVED the concept, the creativity, the not having teachers sign their life away for a whole year, etc. We use a curriuculum and from time to time I gop ahead and write my own lesson because I don't their choices for the topic.

This year the overall theme is "Messiah," and this month the kids are looking at David through art and the Psalms, through "fun," (games like an obstacle course and trying to hit a target as tall as Goliath with a nylon knee-high and a wiffle ball) and through food (pizza maps). The stories/concepts do stay with the kids. After they are excused from the service (after the SP's Children's Message) and we meet in Mission Hall I ask them what they have learned, what they know, etc. It has been so encouraging to hear even the 5 year olds tell me what thye have learned! I love our teachers!

I wish I could see the "Soul Kitchen" today. Making a map of the Divided Kingdom out of pizza ingredients should be interesting. It is the older group this week. I have the younger kids in the "Creation Station." We talk about the Pslams attributed to David and then they take watercolor paper and paint it. Afterward they take a portion of a Psalm on acetate and frame it. Hard to describe...I need to take a picture of a finished project. I NEED to keep my camera here!

I am off to make copies, chop veggies for the pizzas and go over the lesson for Children's Church!

Friday, September 16, 2005

Trunk & Treat

Okay, I know we are a few weeks away...but have you seen the stores???

Anyway, I before you all tell me how unoriginal I am, I KNOW that. But, I have wanted to do this even the past couple years and now I get to!

This year, we will do our first "Trunk & Treat" event. The reason why I am so excited is because it is in conjuntion with Church in Community and the High School group! :) I have felt that our different ministries and committees don't work together enough on events, outreach, etc. To bring a few of us together will generate enthusiasm and that is awesome!

So, we are going to ask families/ministries/individuals to decorate their cars and then have candy available. As the kids in our area trick or treat, they can come into our parking lot and go from car to car! The cars will be judged and be awarded ribbons.

The High School group will be on the front lawn with candy/balloons and direct people to the parking lot. We will also have a cut out of "something" and then take instant pix for the kids to take home. This is my first attempt at a "large" Children's Ministry event and I hope and pray it we get people who will decorate their cars and make this a fun event!

A Milestone...

As of tomorrow I will be....


I am excited...but I also know that while my behaviors have been brought under control and I know the "whys" of the urges at times...there is a long way to go. Most of the behavior stuff has been quelled by sheer willpower. I really see that over the past few weeks as I have been back to the gym.

Yesterday I walked in and Rob says, "Still friends?" My first thought was to remind him that we are NOT friends and he knows it bothers me. But, under the circumstances, I let it slide. I also arrived with a 1/2 dozen homemade brownies. I know I didn't have to, I know I really didn't do anything wrong...but I still felt bad for raising my voice to him. He always asks if he could have one right away. Like I would say no. He took one bite and told me I missed my calling. Heck, I am glad there are a few people I can bake for.

For those who read this...if I have one prayer would be that I can see me as God sees me. Not as my mother sees me, not as I see me (because of how my mother sees me)...but that what I know in my head to be true I can absorb into my heart.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

The Mom Filter

Yesterday, I emailed Rob and apologized for raising my voice to him. I had no reason to and have been feeling a couple things. I was feeling bad for doing it in the first place and scared to death of him because he had raised his voice to me as well and while it wasn't anywhere near how loud my mom can's a voice I never want to provoke in him again.

I got a email back from him telling me that I didn't need to apologize and that he was sorry for raising his voice at me and for being too firm with me. Since he brought it up I told him I didn't think he was too firm, but that the voice raising was felt through the "mom filter" I already had going and it scared me to the point of not wanting to come back on Thursday. I know he would never intnetionally do anything to hurt me and the fear I feel has nothing to do with him and everything to do with getting screamed at by my mom. He was not as loud as she was, or as angry (a little frustrated), but it took me back to a place of just wanting to hide and stay out of his way.

It should make tomorrow and interesting session. I will go, I will talk this through with him and we will move on...but the pull to bail is so strong. I have about 5 hours left that I can bail without having to pay for the session anyway.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


I asked Toni for the extra 15 minutes and she agreed to it. I saw what I did as the smart thing to do. I didn't decide that I knew better than she did, I didn't do it first and ask permission later, I didn't lie about it, etc. But now it has become a huge issue of confusion.

I had CC'd Rob with it so he knew I was asking Toni and why I wanted the time. Yesterday he asked me why I did that and that started a whole thing about control and being dependent on Toni. I'm still really confused and don't want to say too much while he and I pound this issue out...but what I told him was I saw it as no different than how I view our agreement should I purge/cut. I do that and I have to do a BCA on the whys and what what I was feeling, etc. It's a verbal agreement. Toni and I basically have a verbal exercise agreement. I also don't see anything wrong with giving her control over how much I exercise because if she didn't set the limits she knows, Rob knows and I know I would be there 2 1/2 hours 5 or 6 days a week. As I learn to be okay with moderate exercise and see the benefits of it...the controls will go away.

It got a little heated (very new...I hated it) and we found a "mom filter." He never once told me that what I dis was "bad" or "wrong," but that is the way I filtered everything and now I need to learn to see it so I can tell him before I "sink" when it happens.


Saturday, September 10, 2005

Quick Post


Today was Day 2 of my 45 minutes at the gym. It CANNOT be done! I need at least and hour to get any decent strength training in!!! So, I am off to write an email to Toni and Rob...BEGGING them to let me go!

Thursday, September 08, 2005

It's Not About Weight!!!

How many times have I heard that since my first purge 16 years ago??? A lot! Every book, all the experts, friends, etc. In turn, I have said it to others. It's just a symptom of what is going on, you need to look beyond the scale, you need to launch the scale into the wild blue yonder, blah, blah, blah. And, while I think we all come to a place where we DO see it...I am beginning to think there is a part of us that doesn't buy it and EDs are more about weight than anyone is willing to tell us. But, in the past weeks I have come to learn...and I pray really and truly learn and believe that the weight truly IS a symptom. Let me explain...

In years past, I have been obsessed with the scale. At my worst I would jump off and on probably 10 times a day. Before a purge, after a purge, first thing in the morning, last thing at night, if I woke up in the middle of the night, after the gym, etc. Much to Toni's dismay, I took it out again and have been really good about not getting on it each day. She thinks I put it away...not bloody likely! Anyway, it had been 2-3 days since my last foray onto the scales and the number had dropped...more than I thought it would (yet I am still a beached whale) and yet it did NOT make me happy.

Well...there was a moment of elation and knew my two hour+ workouts were doing the job (more about that later). Then, like a hammer, it hit me...the number does not represent to me only the loss of means control! Each pound means that I am gaining control. Control of what? Working on that one...but control nonetheless.

So, I have been sick for a week. I literally forced myself through my two hour workout last Friday because I was not feeling well and am still paying for it. As I met with Toni this week she told me point blank that all the overexercising lowers immunity and that it needs to stop...NOW. I need to keep my workouts to 45 minutes total...three times a week. She doesn't care how I break that time up...but I need to try and only go three days. I want to try and go back tomorrow, but since it feels like I have a small elephant on my chest...I may out it off another day. I'd be more upset about it...but all I have wanted to do is go to work and then come home and sleep!

Sunday, September 04, 2005


I am still trying to figure out this slide, why overexercising seems to be my behavior of choice lately, and why everyone has started playing food police!

As Rob has been helping me try to untangle what is in my head...something dawned on me. We were talking about the rules I have for food, the obvious rules I now have for exercise, etc. As I sat cuddling Frederick, it dawned on me that I have the rules, even if they cause me a ton of stress, because I am afraid my life will be chaos without them! Growing up I had no rules (and therefore no feelings of security) and had to make my own to survive. Now these rules have "turned" on me and are controlling me. Yet, the thought of letting them go is honestly terrifying. Not that I don't long for the peace and healthy control letting go would give me in time...but the thought of letting them go and having to create new ones scares me to no end!

As I was reading "Group" last week...there was a sidebar on anorexia. While I am mindset tracks with anorexics. I remember the first time I went to Remuda. I barely scored on the chart for bulimia and off the chart for anorexia. Anyway, the sidebar was talking about anorexics and legalism and that teaching grace is a HUGE thing for these teenage girls. Oh my gosh...did that ever make sense to me! I think that is probably why I started to figure out the rules thing with Rob.

He keeps talking about layers. I think we are both realizing, as we near the three year mark in November, that we have still barely touched the surface in some ways. The way I am seeing things right now is that rules helped to keep me alive when I was younger and if I don't start trying to break free of them...they will kill me in the end.