Saturday, June 30, 2007

Seven Years...

I am still in a lot of pain...I know it is because I am not being mobile...but being mobile hurts as well. I admit though, doing nothing makes it hurt worse. Sigh...

Anyway, July 1st makes seven years since I walked through the doors of what was then the main lodge of Remuda Ranch. It was 9:00 PM at night, it had been a whirlwind 20+ hours from getting the call to hopping on a plane to AZ and I was scared to death. I try not to dwell on it too much...but whenever an anniversary date falls on a Sunday or one of my two Rob days, I tend to pay a little more attention.

I am not sure how I lost the momentum I had after I came home that year and before I moved to IN. I know Dr. Bill (when I had one session with him on a trip to So Cal when I lived in Indiana) diagnosed me with something that fails me at this point...some sort of adjustment disorder thingy. I still claim putting my grandpa on a plane on 9/11, having him get stuck on the plane for 3 hours on the tarmac and then stuck in IL for three days and being 2000+ miles away from friends and family didn't help. Oh...and then there was the fact I stayed with a therapist that wasn't helpful. That was my choice and it was a bad one...but my motives were good. The only other ED therapist was the T for someone I was at RR with that couldn't handle me moving to town (long story) so I didn't want to run into her and make her uncomfortable.

Food still stinks. I'd rather starve than eat...but I ate like a pig last week because of VBS and am having a hard time with that right now. That being said, the sessions with Rob have been good. They have been so very, very, very hard, but good. We had a great debate over the word "slip" on Thursday. He says that makes it sound as if I am not taking responsibility and minimizing what happened...that a slip is an accident. I looked the word up and found that isn't totally true. Plus, I 100% took responsibility for what I did. I told him I could have stopped myself at any point and chose not to and I get that...BUT, big picture, one bad choice in over 2 1/2 years of times where the urge was really hard is not a bad thing and that I won't look back at the 3 year mark and be totally bummed.

I told him stuff (as I well should) that I have never spoken out loud or written down before. It's been very hard, but very good. I also see how far there is still to go.

One thing I told him is that I have held the fear that if I ever cut again that I would lose myself in it and that I would continue no matter what. The fact it did nothing for me and that fear was unfounded is pretty cool. I still hold that fear about purging, but I think that one is a bit more grounded in some reality. I have purged a lot longer than I ever cut and even when I hit that three year mark...that is a blip compared to the number of years I did purge. Not that I am going to try that theory out...but the fear is there for now.

I wish I had pix from my time at RR I could post. But, it was before digital cameras! :)

I may post more about it later. Thanks to Facebook, I have been in contact with a couple of the women who shared that time with me. Through MySpace there is one more. These are very precious people to me. One of them was my roomie for almost my whole stay at Rio. She came in a few days before me and didn't go to LIFE. We had some great times. She is getting married in August and I am thrilled for her!

I lost one friend last October and have questions about others that I will probably never have the answers about this side of heaven.

Tomorrow is VBS Sunday and it's going to be a great day. The kids are wonderful and I can't wait to see who shows up!

Friday, June 29, 2007

My Chiropractor Thinks He is Funny...

Well, he is. I did it again...three weeks without a full day off. VBS was awesome, but I am in PAIN. Not sure what I did...but it's better today. At least the pain is bearable. Yesterday? Not so much. Anyway he emails me and tells me: "never go three weeks without time for rest and recovery. If our Lord needed that time, well maybe you do as well????" Ya think? LOL!

I know I said it last week and I'll say it again...I will try and get pix up ASAP!

Friday, June 22, 2007

In Light of the Slip...

It's odd. But, my self harm slip a couple weeks ago was actually a good thing. I has to do a dreaded Behavior Chain Analysis, but I didn't do it quite the way we did at Remuda. Rob had me read it out loud and then he said no more of our fun stuff for probably the good 1/4 of a session he has let me get away with. If I choose not to talk about what is going on inside then phone calls and emails will no longer be allowed. That has been a non-issue.

Not that it has been easy because it has not. I impressed him yesterday. I guess I used the words, "I want." He said he doesn't think I have ever used those words since we started working together. Which really shows me how far I fell back from the time I left So Cal almost SIX years ago to now. I remember Greg telling me how proud he was that I was able to state my wants and needs and not be ashamed of them.

I am finally asking "all" the questions that have rattled in my head, but I have reluctant to speak. I still "hate" emotions and still have trouble identifying what I feel (beyond "bad" or "ok" or "good")...but Rob is being pretty patient with it. Time has been flying by in our sessions and that has been amazing.

Of course, things will be shallow due to VBS exhaustion next week and then it's two weeks 'til PYT and then I believe he is gone when I get back. It'll be interesting to see if we lose momentum.

Food still stinks...I still am anti-eating any more than it takes to keep me from passing out, but I am eating. I can't wait until VBS is over so I can get back to the gym. If exhaustion doesn't win next week I'll go back VBS or no VBS. I miss it and I have a dress I need to fit into (well, it fits now but will look better if it's a little big for me) for Presbyterian Youth Triennium's Disco Party next month.

Back to the slip...

While technically it has been my choice to cut or not...part of me has always been in fear of Rob if I did it and that has been a primary motivator. Now I feel like it is 100% my choice without fear of Rob playing into it. There have been days when it has been a little hard, but it honestly doesn't do a thing for me anymore and I have to remember that when the urge does hit.

If I get a chance this weekend, I will post VBS set up pix. I have had "slave labor" this week and I have been able to have decorations made that I have always wanted to have made! :)

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Rob tells me this a lot...and I know it's true, but I still don't know how to quite accept that my mother is never going to get "it" or me and that she is never going to fully give me 100% of her attention. How do I let go of that want/need? I do know this to be true in my head...but my heart desperately doesn't want it to be true.

Friday, June 15, 2007


Still alive...barely.

Really don't want to go into details. Really don't know what the details truly are right now. Just asking for prayer. Not that things are horrendously bad or anything. I had my first (and only) slip in 2 1/2 years last week. Rob didn't handle it great...but it has kind of been a good thing as far as opening doors I have been forcing shut and holding shut with my back against the door.

It's amazing that you can "work" with someone for 4 1/2 years and yet there is so much he is seeing better/understanding more.

I may want to "hate" him at times...but I don't doubt for a second God put him at the right place at the right time going on five years ago.