Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Wonky Computer

There is something wrong with my screen so I will be gone for a few days while I take it to the Apple Store and get it fixed. It was fine day and then this...ugh!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Why, Why, Why???

Deep thought for the day:

When I am going to STOP feeling I have to justify my life????

Now, I know I don't have to...I can back it up with Scripture. I know all the answers to all my stupid questions about it...but it dawned on me as Rob carefully pointed out I am putting myself above God when it comes to forgiving myself and trying not to hurt other people.

I am so sleep deprived it is not even funny so that doesn't help...but AUGH!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Never Tell Anyone...

...you have a zillion things to say about something because then they will want to KNOW what those zillion thoughts are!

I emailed Rob last night just to ask how he liked the cookies I baked himand to share a bit more how I felt about the two year thing. So, he emails me and tells me that the cookies were "AWESOME"and that I should ready to share those zillion thoughts. The thing is...I can write themdown and share what he means to me with other people, but to sit in the same room with him and tell him...*shudder.* I also asked him when he ever overreacted to anything? I am guessing he is talking about the "incident," but I don't think he did overreact. He said he'd show me a log of him overreacting! Hehehehe.... Then he said he must have because he is "too human." I get what he means by that. I KNOW that I am NOT PERFECT!!! I do. Maybe I don't...

I really wish I was seeing him Friday instead of tomorrow since I was just there yesterday, but that means he is taking Friday off and that is a GOOD thing.

Monday, November 22, 2004


I really didn’t expect Rob to remember today. I mean I had emailed him and asked him if he knew what today was. I am sure he looked it up…but when I walked in today and sat down he flashed two fingers at me. Truthfully, I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. He asked me what I was feeling about the two years and I had a very hard time saying anything.

At the end he told me that it has not seemed like two years and he was honored (or something like that…that may have been what Marc said…but close enough) to be part of my life. He also said something about him overreacting at times. Okay, I am sure he is referring to the cutting incident, but I did not see that as overreacting. He was ticked, I was "defiant," and we dealt.

The odd thing is that I think we are in a place of if it did happen he would understand more because we have been working hard and he had said if I were dealing with stuff and I cut he could understand it more. Not that I am going to. The thoughts are there and I am trying to let them be there...but it's not fun.

I am so jealous of the Forumites in ATL. A very sweet and caring person told me if I PM them my phone number they would call me as others have been called. But, that is not the point. If they had WANTED to call me in the first place, they would have asked before they left. I just feel less and less like I belong there and will do my job...but right now it hurts way too much be there. I know I am being a whiny brat...but things like that happen at church as well and one cannot think there is something wrong with me and if I could starve it out, cut it out or purge it out I would do it in a heartbeat. I have just been feeling like I no longer fit in anyplace.

I am trying to stop those thoughts because I know where they lead...and it's not because I was there this time last year...none of that has ever truly been resolved and it's been a spiral since June.

And as I say that...it reminds me of something Rob said today...that even though I know I am not perfect and make mistakes...I very much look like I have it all together and when something very human happens (i.e. forgetting the book) that outs a chink in that armor...I really beat myself for it. There is probably some truth to that.

He understands why I get frustrated because my thinking is so black and white...and he keeps telling me "I just" (seems to be a fave of mine...I just have to get over it, I just have to suck it up, etc.) is not going to happen.

But, as much as we have talked about it I don't think he really and truly gets that the book thing put me in a tailspin...that it goes much deeper. We have talked about it almost every session for weeks now...but he doesn't get it that it makes no difference that he was OK with it, that I didn't need to drop itoff the next day, etc. I know he said that me forgetting the book was no where near grounds for terminiation...but he doesn't get that I am afraid to make a mistake in therapy again...because how many little ones like that are going to add up into something that causes him to say he can no longer treat me?

Crash and Burn...

My mood crashed pretty much as soon as I walked out of Rob's office. We again tackled the "book thing" and how my standards are simply way too high. I struggle very much with how keeping promises is a high standard. He does not manipulate, he does not try to play tricks on me...but he got me Thursday. We were talking and all of a sudden his says, "Blink." I thought he meant I was disassociating. He meant the book I brought in with me...a Ted Dekker novel. I totally forgot I had it with me. He was pointing out that my memory is NOT perfect and that it is OK NOT to be perfect. I still feel like he is missing the point.

If I had been alone when I got home...I probably would have purged my lunch. Not because he is right but out of frustration of the process, but I also know that could come with dire consequesnces.

I was breaking up a cat fight outside and it was one of those fall nights I love here...that smells like fall and is crisp and cool. The thought occured to me that it would be so eay to simply go back in the house and take "the stash" and I was OK with those thoughts. Still not sure how disturbed I am by those thoughts being that present and that non-chalant. This I know I will not tell Rob...at least for a little while...because it was just a thought and not a I need to call him thing.

November 22, 2002 I walked into his office for the first time. I had been with another therapist for about 2 1/2 months before I decided I was actually worth not taking his...I dunno...crap and being compared to sicker ED clients.

I had, oddly enough, come back from Mt.Hermon and gave it another week or two. I walked out of that last session and drove to my office and IMd with friends and did some online counseling with New Hope because I knew I would come home and cut angrily. Three hours later I was able to go home.

Either that night or the next day I called the CCC and said I needed a new therapist...at this point I was willing to give a female therapist a try...but I couldn't go back to that idiot again. The called me back and gave me Rob's name and he called me a few hours later. I went in on Friday, November 22 and if I hadn't felt good about it...I never would have gone back.

He is not the first Christian T I have had. I have no doubt the others prayed for me, but it stunned me when he asked if he could do it at the end of the session. Then he asked if he could give me a hug. OK...Marc NEVER hugged me...even at the end. Greg didn't hug me until the end. Some days it is that "Jesus with skin on" I get from him that can make the next day or so bearable.

I am so blessed that he is in my life...even the days I want to kick 'em!

Thursday, November 18, 2004

About Last Night...

You know the feeling you get when you know you are doing what you were made to do? Yeah...it was like that.

It was so "natural," so "I have always been there" to the point that they forgot I didn't know my way around when we played Sardines! This kids acted like I had always been there and it's funny because the "staff" to student ratio is 2 students for every leader. There is Andrew (the intern), Alex and Dave. A & A go to UCSC and Dave is in his 40s maybe? Not sure. He didn't go to Mt. Hermon so I didn't meet him until last night.

I get there and see Kim adn she yells, "Hi, Deneice! How are you?" Yeah...totally normal stuff.

One of the strangest things was on my way home. I mean the night went great, it was fun, in two weeks we are going bowling, etc. But, this urge to go home and cut followed me much of the way home. I really tried to figure out why. I mean that was normally my MO when things didn't go well...as punishment.

Then this thought hit me. It goes back to still NOT knowing who I am outside of YM. All of a sudden I am back in it and my mood goes up a zillion percent from here it has been. This is not a good thing. I mean, the fact my mood has improved is a good thing...the reasons behind it? Not so much.

It's a "Rob Day" so I will bring that up for sure!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

My Mother...


We are watching Dr. Phil (yeah, yeah...she likes him) and it’s part two of the “real life desperate housewives” and the women are telling their secrets to their husbands. One woman has been bulimic for about 15 years and purges 1-6 times a day. My mom looks over at me and says, “Eating disorders really are a disease aren’t they?”

I was a good girl and kept my mouth shut. Then she asked me if I still purged and I said no. Didn’t tell her it had only been two months since the last time though!

Then the other thing...I guess she got my computer on Friday when she and my friend Kim went shopping. Now all I hear her complain about is the balance on her credit card. You know what? I never asked for the darn thing...she offered to get me one for Christmas. I am ready to tell her to take it back if it will shut her up.

Sunday, November 14, 2004


I'm gonna be a volunteer again!!!!!

I'm home about from our Presby retreat. The speaker STANK big time. But, I figure that's what we get when the speaker is booked 6 weeks before the retreat. I was unamused though. The band, same one we have used for years...was excellent as always!

The Talent Show was a blast and all the other leaders were worried. It was supposed to end at 11:30 and went until almost midnight! I knew what I was doing...I just don't need to run around like a chicken with my head cut-off to do it!

Anyway, as my church did not send kids up...I offered to be the leader for the 1st Presbyterian Church of Santa Cruz girls.

Friday night I asked Andrew (the YP) if I was doing this because his female leader couldn't make it. He said he didn't have one!

He does now! I will be joining him and Alex (other male leader) and helpong with the high school ministry. They are thrilled that I am willing to drive 45 minutes "over the hill" and because Alex has been doing this for 2-3 months and Andrew has been there for about 6-7 months.

Wednesday will be my first night. I didn't tell the girls and not sure if he has yet. We all really clicked well and I am soooo excited!

Friday, November 12, 2004

Off To Mount Hermon!

Packing took precious little time and now I am in the "If I leave now I will have HOURS to kill. But, I can do some touristy stuff as well as just "be."

Rob talked about Henry Nouwen's "In the Name of Jesus" yesterday in our session and darn it...he knows when he does that I have to go out and buy it!

Berean didn't have it...Barnes & Noble did. Small book...but it was $15! Thank goodness for the membership card! Ugh. But, I flipped through and think it will be a good read.

Since I don't have any kids to "worry" about during free time tomorrow...I am going to have a lot of time on my hands to just journal and stuff. This is going to be good.

Yesterday Rob commented on how much my thinking is classic ED thinking (duh!) and I need to find a way to break out of it...not that it will happen right away (although if God wanted to...I would not complain!)...but even if I could chip away at stuff.

Like...why am I afraid of the stuff Ron said being true. I mean I know if I would have said...what don't you like about me...or what are my weaknesses...he would have given them to me in love...but I also know I need no help in that area anyway!

Thursday, November 11, 2004

This session with Rob should be interesting. I got some feedback from a former student and from Ron (which almost made me cry) and I think it will give Rob and I a ton to talk about. Then I get to bring Frederick home with me until Monday!

Woo hoo!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

I almost blew it last night. In spite of my better judegement I had dinner last night and that made me feel nauseous...and I was almost hoping I would end up being sick...although...WAY GROSS PART COMING UP...it's a lost worse when it's not your choice. When it is your choice, while icky...it's not near as bad.


Above and beyond all that I left yesterday's session not ready to leave. I turned the tears off way too easily and that was probably a mistake. I take all that home and can't do anything about it because homw is not "safe," and I got to the point of wanting to cut. I stayed online for over an hour...but there was no one to talk to...REALLY talk to and so I emailed Rob at least to let him know where my head was at the moment (does he reply??? NOPE...hate when he does that)...and then got off to watch "Family Guy."

I had the "implement" in my hand and debated and debated and debated...and put it aside. Not only did I not want to fill out a Behavior Chain Analysis, but Rob still hasn't decided what he is going to DO about the whole mess. Cutting also would not have solved anything in the long run...not that always stops me. But, I DIDN'T DO IT and that is a good thing.

Monday, November 08, 2004


Without too much prompting I managed to dive deeper into the whys of all this hurting and my fears, etc. The biggest one being...what if I don't do know how to do this anymore? What happens when Rob tells me I am free to look for a FT ministry position and I get one and I forget how to do all this? Am I slowly losing "it" the longer I am out of YM? This is what I get to ponder between now and Thursday.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

I Need Sleep!

This not being able to sleep for two months the entire night is getting old. I can udually deal OK...but it triggered a migraine at church. That would be no biggie...EXCEPT...today was the day we gave Bible to our 4th graders. I did the presentation and asked Steve to pray instead of me and then I toughed it out until the last hymn.

One thing I have realized and I have tried to not let it bother me...until now...is how I am treated post Remuda LIFE. People at church either still consider me part of the church and part of their lives (meaning youth and their parents) or I am now just that person that works with the elementary kids. That was made crystal clear when I didn't get invited to Ben's wedding. It also hurts...a lot...made even more clear by not being invited to the wedding when Ben and Chrissy were so excited to TELL me in the first place!

Oh well...it gives me something to talk to Rob about. Honestly, it hurts way more than I could put in words...but that's what he is there for. Heck...here and in his office are the only places I can even mention something like this!

Friday, November 05, 2004

&%*^%*!!! ^%*%^$%&!!!


What am I doing wrong???

I am not neglecting my relationship with God and it has been SO COOL that Rob and I have been taking out his Bible and using it in our sessions lately...although he took the verses he gave me yesterday totally out of context and that drove me batty!

I KNOW there is nothing I can do to earn His love and would fail (and have) miserably.

I KNOW I am so far from perfect it's not even funny...

But I STILL can't get it through my thick skull.

Yesterday he asked me what I got from it.

Nothing...I get that it's a choice but when I let someone down for fail to deliver I think it is totally irresponsible and he doesn't get that is not acceptable. His answer? We are ALL irresponsible from time to time. But, does that mean I shouldn't care when I screw up?

I wake up in the morning and I know it's a choice on how I am going to face the day and I WANT to make it a good one, be able to give myself a break, etc.

But then it just overwhelms me. This deep pit of nothing that just engulfs me and I try not to let it...I try and fight it...but all I want to do is run away and hide or hear Rob say that it is OK I don't have the answer to why I want to cry all the time.

I just don't what to do anymore...

I've held off on behaviors (except restricting) and that had been so very, very hard. I want to take the blade and plunge it into my skin and let the blood flow...I want to take all I am feeling that I can't put words to and takeit out on my body togive me a moment of relief. I should get it OFF my nightstand so I don't see it...I think I keep it there to torture myself.

Thursday, November 04, 2004


I simply have no idea what to say today. I hate this...I suppose it will get easier...but right now it feels like I am going to walk in their and fail. I should have cancelled.

All I really want to do is get there, sit on the couch with Frederick and cry. However, that is hard for me to do (unless I was alone) and then Rob would want to know WHY. I don't know WHY...I just know I want to.

After seeing Toni yesterday, I really can't afford to see him today and make it to pay day next week anyway...but it's a little late for that.

I don't know what I am going to do. We are supposed to pick something up today from Monday and I can't remember what.

I just want a big earthquake to come and swallow me up.


4 1/2 hours until I see Rob and have NO CLUE what I want to talk about.

I promised Toni I would bring up the meds...at least before I see her again. But, for the most part, I just want to sit on his couch and bawl and have NO clue why. So, I can't do that because he wants to know WHY...I don't know...there is just this huge well of pain that is becoming overwhelming.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

The Book...

I dropped it off today with a note. It was going to drive me nuts between now and Thursday if I hadn't have done that.

Not like it was going out of my way.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Feeling Like I Am on Thin Ice...

Today was the second day of this new arrangement. It is going OK. I am trying to do what he wants and he is trying hard NOT toask me questions to get us started. It is a little uncomfortable...but I have to believe that will change in time.

As we talked yet again about the standards I have for myself it is so hard to admit I WANT perfection even though I am aware I sure as heck am NOT going to achieve it. I still want to give it my best shot...aren't we supposed to try our best? Which them starts the cycle all over again because he says to me, "And what do you consider you best to be?" Grrr...argh...

He had loaned me a book Thursday on some DBT stuff and I promised...P-R-O-M-I-S-E-D I would have it back to him today. I forgot all about it. Not only did I forget it...I left it in my car forgetting I even HAD the book. He asks me about it and I just dissolved into tears.

Part of it was because I forgot the book. I promised him I would bring it back today and I forgot. The other part is I feel like I am on thin ice as it is. One more mistake and I am out.

I think I took him by surprise. I think I took ME surprise. He wouldn't let me cry which is funny because normally he encourages it and askes me if I am being reasonable with myself. I said yes because I was irresponsible. He asked me if it were my book and someone forgot it would I think THEY were irresponsible? Of course not. Yet I feel that way.

We pick it up Thursday.