Thursday, July 31, 2003

I had a good appointment with Toni yesterday. We talked about my slips and what's been going on, etc.

We set five goals for the week and one of them is flushing the three diet pills I found in my desk. I found them a few weeks ago and just haven't bothered to get rid of them. It's like they are some sort of "safety net." It's like as long as a still have diet pills, my scale, a smattering of behaviors here and there if I decide recovery sucks...I am prepapred to go back. Sick and twisted I know...but that's where I am right now. Of course, I know "just in case" can serve the wrong purpose so I am watching that.

Yesterday I decided "screw" the money issue and went to a movie. I was way early, so I went to Starbucks and had a tazoberry and sat and read for an hour. It felt so good becuase it was so normal! I like "normal." Then I get so afraid that "normal" won't last.

Toni is setting a limit on my exercise as I thought she might. I am on the same contract I was on at Remuda. Three days a week...ugh! I may sneak in a 4th every so often and I can walk as well...but three days seems so "little." But, we all know I have it in me to overexercise and she says I am pushing it with what she is saying I can do. So, we'll see. Eventually I can probaably increase the days and decrease the intensity.

I took all my sleep meds last night and I overslept and am still so sleepy. I am going to have to take a nap when I go home. If I thought I could leave now, I would in heartbeat.

The high school kids leave here at 6 AM tomorrow morning. Part of me wants to see them off...but I know that would be way too emotional for me and why purposely put myself into a situation where I know I will hurt? I am not that big of a glutton for punishment!

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

Wow...10 days since I last blogged. I really need to get better at this.

Not much has haappened though. I have slipped a few times and finally joined a gym! I am also trying to cook "fun stuff" for myself. I did it for my housemates, but it seems a waste to do it for just me. There is flawed logic in that as it's all part of I did a simple bakes salmon with lemon and fresh dill that was killer and it was neat to do that for me...I just need to keep it up. I printed a good 20 recipes off the Food Network site to help with that.

I have an interview with the church in Saratoga next week and I am excited about that. It would be great and sounds tailor made for me. I haven't sent them my resume yet! But, I am local so I can see why they would go ahead and set it up.

Rob is gone this week so I am dog sitting my fave stuffed dog in the world. I hate to give Frederick back though...he's a great extra pillow. I wish I could say I sleep better with him...but ever since I went back to my place, I haven't slept well except for maybe two nights. If I hadn't gone to LIFE I would probably be freaking that Rob is gone...but I am really okay with it and am doing good without him. Basically, that means other than the slips...nothing major has come up!

I am still stressed about my financial situation and I am wating for my SDI papers from Remuda which will help a bit...but I don't know how long I can be where I am rent free. I hate it... the not knowing the not even being able to go buy something just because, etc. Not that I waste $$...but to have to be so careful just so I can go to a movie with a friend next week. Not to mention I have no jeans that fit! But it is even having the $$ for basics like TP, shampoo, etc.

From what I hear through the grapevine...some parents are not happy with me no longer in Youth Ministry here and have called what's going on now a disaster. At least I know I have had some positive impact here. I am proud of what I have done here so if I end up only regret is that...that I have to leave. But, being in the same Presbytery...I will be able to see the kids a few times a year.

Rob is always after what is going on inside me (as any good therapist would be) and I hate that much of the time I don't know. Right now I just feel as if I am floating through each day. He also makes it sound as if I can decide not to believe the core beliefs about myself and they will just go away. He also hasn't said much about my other diagnosis they came up with so he either doesn't buy into them or...I dunno.

I miss Aaron. I know we broke the caardinal rule by becoming friends since he is staff...and from what I understand he is really watching it now. He has that kind of personality I clicked with. Neither of us ever lost sight that he was staff, but there was a freindship there. And, while some RLP staff may not beelieve it...that was IT. He's married, he's 8 1/2 years younger than me AND shorter. There was just a lot of commonalities...sports, So Cal, etc.

Hopefully I will hear about being a volunteer at the PHX National Youth Worker's Convnetion this week. That will be sooooo awesome!

I see Toni today so I may have a lot to write about tomorrow!

Sunday, July 20, 2003

I need out of here. I hate that I hate coming to work. It's not fair to the kids or their parents. I mean...I like the younger kids...but youth is my passion, it is where God has gifted is where I feel I thrive and God will have to really do a lot of changing of my heart for me to feel otherwise. I have been back to work three weeks and it keeps getting worse!

If it weren't for the YS Forum, I would probably lose my mind.

Speaking of which, I was at my grandparent's house for a bit after church and my grandmother starts watching "Hunger Point." I REALLY wish she'd realize that when an ED movie comes on...she needs to change the channel. That one was on while I was at LIFE and it was like a car wreck. I couldn't change the channel and I "had" to watch. Keeley took the remote from my hand and asked me if I wanted her to turn the TV off. Anyway, tomorrow "For the Love of Nancy" is on and I am glad I won't be home and that I don't have any blank VHS tapes. I gave them all up to Rob before I left for AZ. I also gave him all my diet books, ED books, carb counters, etc. Pretty much the only thing I miss is that movie and "Wasted," but I am better off without them.

Some of the Sr. Highers leave for the backpacking trip tomorrow and then they leave for Ft. Apache, AZ on August 1st. I am a prayer partner for one of my guys and need to get his letters written this week. John is a HUGE D'backs fan so if I can find him something I want to get it for him. I bought all western themed stationary to write my notes with. He gives me a huge hug every Sunday which is awesome. I think Drew, his Jr. High bro would as well, but he's too shy. That kid really sprouted up while I was gone.

If God wants me here then I pray He closes the doors to the PT position because I don't want to jump into that job because I miss YM...I want to do it because that is the place God wants me to be. I would NOT be the "point man" which would be good for me, great for my recovery and yet I would be doing what I do best. It's in His hands, though.

Okay, it is hot in my office...I came by to pick up my lap top so I will have it tomorrow in case the Assoc. Pastor answers my email! I am outta here 'til Tuesday!

Friday, July 18, 2003

Wow...hard to believe that I have been home from Remuda LIFE almost a month. Then was hard to believe I ever believed that I was going to be able to do the program in 30 days! As Betsy (my therapist at LIFE) kept reminding’s okay that I had to be extended given where I was when I got there. And, as I knock myself for being on meal support 28 days...she also reminded me that those coming from Rio and Vista spent 45+ on meal support.

It was very different this time and probably better in a lot of ways. I fell...flat on my face over and over and over and over and hey...I lived! Of course, I was tempted to remedy that situation...but that got me a weekend on eyesight! Basically, I was so not perfect and for whatever reason staff remembered me for three years ago...if I ever see them this side of heaven...I am sure they will remember me for absolutely completely different reasons this time around!

Being a direct admit stunk big time and while I am glad I didn’t have to go to sure would have been easier to get to know people. I also learned just how much was hurt by Paula when I moved to Indiana and how I allowed it to effect making friendships this time around. However, I made really good friends with two women that I am in contact with often. Keeley and I had so much in common it was hysterical and Allison is from both here and So Cal so I will be seeing her on a regular basis. I preferred staff over residents because I knew that relationship was finite...and I couldn’t get hurt. Okay, this is going to people I was at Rio with three years ago and we are still in contact...but think having the Rio connection has helped that. Allison was also a direct admit so we had an immediate bond.

I did things I never thought I would do. I was on meal support at b’fast in the MHT office and STILL managed to throw parts of my breakfast away. I would check in my snack before group and then toss it. Luckily, I am a lousy liar and feel guilt very easily and so I quickly confessed all that stuff and wrote on my snack check sheet not to let me take it to group. I over exercised as long as I could get away with it (and being really open about it, too), I cut corners on my own meals from time to time (ie instead of TWO Tbl of dressing I would use one, a little less cheese, etc.) I purged, I restricted, I had a lot of Boost...things that three years ago I never would have done...heck...I got off meal support back then in like three days! I even left having had FOUR french fries and not exploding!

I wrote not so good things about myself and my body on my mirror which I showed an MHT in a weak moment. Hey...I was on my sleep meds...I told Aaron a lot of things that night...some that I still don’t remember. Poor guy...I think I completely freaked him out! But, he followed me back to the house and erased my mirror and put new stuff on it. Betsy actually made me keep it on there the last three weeks at was at LIFE.

Coming home I think I am learning what everyone else was telling me at LIFE...I DO have internal motivation to beat this. There was so much external motivation for me to do what I needed to (eat...not over exercise...going to groups and participating...not a problem) that I didn’t realize that I was becoming internally motivated. I guess my treatment team put it best when it was relayed to me that they saw I could fall flat on my face and restrict or refuse carbs and do supplement...but be able to pick back up before any other external motivators were put in place. Not that I don’t have my moments and seem to do this two weeks on...two weeks somewhat off my meal plan...but there has been very few days when I have simply wanted to give up and say forget it...I have had it...

I think the one area since coming home is the whole job thing. Steve told me this week he hopes my passion for youth will in time transfer to the younger kids. I think everyone is going to be cheated if we wait for that “someday.” I go to work every day and except for Sundays when I am in Biblemanicas (our Sunday School) with the kids...I hate it. Sundays until I take the kids upstairs...I hate it. I hate seeing my kids and not being with them, I hate that I am not going backpacking on Monday and back to AZ for the Mission Trip on August 1st. I hate that I am not at pool and praise, that I am not there on Sunday nights to play Gargoyles or Body Snatchers.

Yeah, naturally being bumped to part time has a bunch of other ramifications in my life...but God has totally provided for that right now (not sure about my apartment yet) and I even have health insurance for the rest of this month which is allowing me to get my scripts filled one more time and that means I can get my seroquel. I’d wean off of it now...but I really need to for anxiety.

Anyway, lo and behold a PT position has opened at a church in Saratoga. Oddly enough...they specifically WANT a female. I talked to Rob (my therapist) about it today and he thinks I should look into it. It’s within the Presbytery as I may call tomorrow. It’s encouraging because Rob thinks I can make the switch and that it won’t be a bad thing. Today he told me he knows how passionate I am about youth and then shared with me things he remembers me sharing with him over the past few months. But, I am not rushing into this either...

I spent 60 days talking about how much my identity is wrapped up in youth ministry...maybe this is God’s way of telling me it’s time to find out...or that transferring to a PT position will give me a chance to still do what I love...but not allow myself to become some wrapped up in what I am...instead of who I am. In any event, I am going to take my time with this one and do a lot of praying.

Thursday, July 17, 2003

I wish I knew what the heck is going on. Last night I actually took my "normal" sleep meds which took was longer to work than normal...but they did work and that's the important thing. So, I actually feel pretty well rested.

However, my anxiety level is going through the roof and that I can't explain. Maybe it's going to see Rob today, maybe it's seeing Dr. Oba...but I am really close to having a panic attack and I am trying to stay grounded at not let myself fall into it. It started on the drive over here. Of course I left my Seroquel at home....geesh...

I was looking at the YS job bank and Saratoga Pres is looking for a PT youth worker and they specifically want a female. Wouldn't that be awesome? I just know it is way too soon and that there is no way I could do that right now. Maybe, if they still need someone in a month or two...

Augh...I don't want to have to go home and get the meds...but...okay, I cannot depend on Seroquel forever...I used to get along great without it. Then again, I was numb...can't quite have a paanic attack if you are numb!

Maybe I'll be back later

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Major, major anxiety today and I am not sure why. I know there are a million stressors and it is hard to be here and have nada to do with the youth, but I have to freaking get over it so I can do what I need to do for Children's Ministry. And, of course, I forgot to bring my seroquel with me.

It could be because I ate my meal plan this morning and I feel overly full. It is amazing how much you can lose ground just restricting a few meals. The overwhelming fullness, etc. But, I am doing what I supposed to do. I can hear Amber saying that if you get off track you can get back on by eating your next scheduled meal or snack.

I am really curious what God has in store for me keeps rolling through my head what a male youth worker said to me once...I should just marry a YP and make my life easier. I wanted to slap him! Not that it wouldn't make things a little easier...but then there is trying to meet...what am I saying...that is the LAST thing I need right now. Or the best thing for mee right now...but I am so not going to go there.

Although, I am old fashioned enough that I would love the chance to only have to work PT (and have it not kill me like it is now $$$ wise) and be able to stay home and raise kids & partner with whomever in his ministry. Okay, then there is the fact I am 33 and because of the PCOS may not be able to have kids...but that's a whole other issue. Heck, this whole idea is a whole other issue because unless God drops someone in my's all fantasy.

I think I will pop over to my grandparent's place after work so I can get my camera and upload my photos and get more clothes. Maybe...I have plenty of stuff at home...but not "Remuda Clothes" the ones that I wore there...helps me feel a little comforted right now. The whole "self-soothe" thing. I may wait until tomorrow when I am actually in that area after seeing Rob.

Okay, I'd better least get one thing done today.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Wow...I am not so good at keeping this up am I? Too busy hewlping out with a post on the YS board!

Hmmm...well I am back at my's quiet and a little lonely...but I am reading...a lot. Fun books for the most part...but it's goof distraction. I also need to get the hours of the public pool a few blocks from my house. My inactivity is killing me. I also need to get the tires on my bike blown up for some evening rides. As soon as I get paid I am joining a clun though because nothing is better than the eliptical machine.

I have had three meals in a row that have been incomplete...but Tini isn't concerned yet. She is going to let Rob know as well so he can be sure to press me on it as she leaves for vacation on Thursday. He asks me all the time now anyway. I have my menu for dinner so I plan to get back on track. I am also going to see Rob again this week....even though I really can't afford to. Too much emotional pain, grieving of losses going on to NOT see him. I can't totally identify what I am feeling or how I felt yesterday after our session...but it hurts. How did I put it to him on the phone? "I really want to go home and cut because I'd rather feel the physical pain than whatever I am feeling right now because it isn't good." I also faxed him my challenges to the emotional myths I believe so we can tackle those as well. Not sure how much he buys into this whole DBT stuff.'s keeping safe and relatively on it must have some merit!

Then there is my job. Our Office Manager is retiring and though she is still a member of our church, I will miss seeing her each day. I am back at work a little too soon, but I found some pleasure in my job today. I just need to be able to keep it up. I came up with aneat idea and our Pastor was excited. He said he knows youth is my passion and he hopes that will transfer to Children's Ministry. Me too.

My Mentor and his family leave to move back to SoCal on Thursday. Well...Ron has been up and down the coast since April...but the rest of the family will be making the move on Thursday. We always stay in contact...but it's still a loss I wish hadn't happened quite yet...I haven't been home that long. Gives me a great excuse to get to SoCal in the fall at any rate...or at least before Christmas.

Anyway, that's about it. I am working on this recovery thing and as Toni pointed out...with the overwhelming stress of a diminished job, maybe losing my apartment, my financial situation, etc. I am dealing with it pretty well. This would have buried me three months ago.

Friday, July 11, 2003

Today I am going to introduce y'all to the world of BCAs. That stands for Behavior Chain Analysis. It where an "event" happened and traces it to what lead to the behavior and what I could have done to stop it before it happened. It was a four page thingie at LIFE...but really helpful as I had to fill out quite a few of them!

Problem Behavior: Did not eat breakfast

Describe the problem behavior:

I am sick of eating. This is the most consistent I have been with my meal plan about five weeks fairly solid. My last two weeks at LIFE and now my almost three weeks here at home. Prior to that, I think I had 3 good weeks at LIFE before the depressive episode hit and I went off plan again.

I have been pretty anxious all week. I am using my skills and doing what I can to tolerate all of it...but I am worried about money, my living situation, etc. I know in my head it will all work out...but as look at expenses and the fact I don't get paid for almost three weeks...I keep freaking out!

So, as usual, I take everything out on my body. But, above and beyond the external stressors...I plain wasn't hungry when I got up and I overslept. I debated eating and decided that I didn't have time and that I can always grab a Boost later. Okay, I am not hungry most of the time I have to eat...but I feel "gross" and "fat" and that not eating is the way to solve it.

Anyway, so I stood in the kitchen debating and just said, "forget it."

Prompting Event: My current situation
Vulnerability: Tired, anxious, sad
Links: Thoughts-- I am fat and gross, I don't need to eat
Feelings-- stressed, sadness
Actions-- Not eating breakfast

Solution Analysis

Links to be broken/Skill to break the chain

I am fat and gross/Catch it, challenge it, change it

I don't need to eat/Radical Acceptance


Sadness/Opposite to emotion

Not eating b'fast/Radical Accpetance;Willingness

Consequences: Feeling guilty, continuing to feel tired because of lack of nutrition.

Amends or repairs? Need to be honest with Rob/Toni about it

What will I do differently next time? Eat anyway and stick to my meal plan and haave my cards out if need be.

That, in a nutshell, is a BCA. I didn't do page three because I can't do that with a Blog. It's a page with circles on it (chains) and I fill it in with the information I wrote down on page 2.

Looks like I will go to my place later tonight so mom and I can ahve dinner together. Hmmm...can we say she isn't sure how well I will do on my own either? That's fine...she's bringing home fish for dinner so that's cool.

Okay...need to try and get work done now!

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Today is probably the first day any of the "old" me is popping up since coming back to work. Probably because I called Keeley this morning. Keeley was one of my housemates at LIFE and she is from MN. We have a ton in common and the necklace she made me is the only jewelry I never take off. Talking to her made me feel better about everything and my ability to do this.

I also volunteered for the PHX NYWC. That would be awesome! Number's PHX and's YS. I think it could be a lot of fun and hard work...but I hope I can do it.

I cut a small corner today and didn't eat my apple. I know it's lame...why leave an apple out...but after eating a 2 grain serving of oatmeal...ugh. I am trying to add variety in my food choices so I really need to sit down and due a "real" menu instead of what I know I am supposed to have and match it with the mish-mash of stuff at home. Plus, sooner or later, the comments will probably come from my mom about the amount I am eating...which is NORMAL...but a lot compared to what she usually eats.

Last night I didn't think was going to go without me cutting...but I didn't do it. I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack...but I kept "practicing presence" and "radical acceptance" and while the anxiety was still there and I didn't sleep well...I made it through. Besides, my mothedr would have no clue what to do with me if I ever had a panic attack. I haven't had one in a month though so that's a good sign. I think it may have been because of the Provigil since that raised my anxiety level through the roof when I first started it.

I think once I can get myself into more of a routine that I will be a lot better off. Right now I just kinda float through the day. Not seeing Rob today is not my idea of a good day...but when I had to use Coinstar to count the change in my car to buy some groceries for the next few days...sacrifices have to be made. I feel like a 33 year old LOSER.

I know that if I jump the gun into another job be it full time ministry or just a "regular" is disaster waiting to happen for my recovery so I am trying to look at this time as a gift. I really hope I can get partial disability...that will take some of the financial stress from me.

God has never let me down (oh my gosh...I hear Chapel music from LIFE in my head..."Jesus Never Fails") and I know He is incredibly if He could drop about $5,000 in my lap I could pay rent for a few months, get ALL my meds instead of just the ones I have to have...gotta love those PRNs, get my car work done and get to see Rob 2x a week and Toni for 45 minutes instead of 30 minutes.

My mother keeps asking me what we talk about or what Rob and I talk about. Like I am going to tell her? She doesn't get that with Toni it is more than just me eating. I did this string thing for a Body Image session with my therapist and I was THREE FEET off on the size of my stomach and two feet on my hips. MY mom wouldn't get that...a lot of people don't get that because some people have a bigger body distortion problem than others.

Well, anyway, that's about it from this peanut gallery. There is a Memorial Service here in a I came in early so I could leave before it starts.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

I don't know what I am even doing here. I feel like I have nothing to do because for the most part...I really don't. For August I am going to just use another rotation from the web site and I need to check on what Cindy may need from me fo Children's Church for this week...

The thing is...I know I was debating even coming back to youth ministry when I came home and decided that I was in no position to decide that quite yet. But, the minute I saw the kids, the minute Ben came up and hugged me like he didn't want to let go and when John without hesitation came up and hugged me...I knew I was "home." Drew pretending he wasn't ecstatic to see me (being the too cool 7th grader he will be int he fall) when you could see the light in his eyes...Jessica, Rachel and Brianne being so happy I was back...

I can be a "good" Children's Minister but not great. In my good moments I know I am a really good youth worker...if I had doubts...seeing the kids after only being here a few months and then being gone for two tells me I am onto "something." I like the younger kids and I know I can do the job...but there is zippo passion behind it and that's not fair to any of us.

My mother and I fought again about money last night. I told her I would just get a waitressing job. Giorgio's is hiring servers right now and the hours would work out well. I have never waitressed in my life...but it's in the genes and I think I could do it and be good at it. Then she told me that RR doesn't want me to work full time for three months. Yeah, they also didn't want me to go back to work this soon and I can see why. I am not ready to be back yet.

I know I can't fault her for not getting it...she doesn't see why I need Toni or why seeing Rob twice a week is important or why I want to eventually look for another YM job. She doesn't get why buying certain groceries are important and why eating Kashi for dinner is not a good idea. I have a huge problem being angry and I know why and as I watched that reason in action this morning...swearing a blue streak...I am so afraid if I got truly angry it would be that ugly. Maybe it's a good thing I will never have kids.

After I see Toni, I think I am going to pack some stuff up and stay at my place for a couple days and see how that goes. Right now I know I am eating simply because I am at my mom's house. But, I need to see what it's going to be like when I am alone. Right now I think it's going to be bad. I don't think the RLP staff realized how important IL was for me. Yeah, I showed I could fall and get back up...but that was because I still had the behavior contract to follow and I didn't want to blow the chance to stay...I probably wouldn't have finished as well as I did if I wasn't trying so hard for that extension.

I see my red flags all over the place...but I don't know what to do when I see them to try not to hit another low.'s too soon to be going into another episode...but I guess extreme stress will do this.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

So, here I am again...waiting for "Big Brother 4 to start at 8. I can't help sucked me in last season and now I have to watch the first one. Looks like no good guys like Jason Guy from last season. But, between this and "Amazing Race" I will have have plenty of mindless entertainment. I really miss Tara, one of the MHTs, when stuff like this comes on. We used to watch whatever reality show was on when she was working. I had to call the cul-de-sac today to talk to one of the Nurse Practitioneers. Tina K answered the phone and it was awesome just hearing her voice for a few seconds. I would love to talk to Aaron...but I don't dare try and call just to see if he answers. Partly I want to call because he had a great way of challenging my thoughts about myself and my body image.

I also need to go back to my place. I am running out of creative meal ideas and as much as I like's not exactly dinner. Not that I didn't get all my servings in because I did...fruit and all...just I should be making "real" food for dinner. I also know I am feeling way vulnerable right now and at least by staying here...I may have to put up with a lot from my mom, but it's accountability and safety.

My "twin" called me this afternoon which was awesome. I hate being hundreds and thousands of miles away from the people that are really supportive. Not that I don't have some of that here...but it does make me long for my friends in So Cal a bit. Two and a half weeks and I am already questioning if a) I wasn't better off dead and b) ...I want to recover why? To come home to a big financial mess, having to cut down to a 1/2 hour with my dieititian, once a week with Rob...still needing brakes and a new engine mount for my car...oh...and I need a new color ink cartridge for my printer at work. At least I won't need the color for a few weeks.

I keep thinking of the affirmations my therapist at LIFE had me come up with and the ones Aaron wrote on my mirror to erase all the negative comments I had had there...and try to remember that while right now I have a hard time believing any of them...Betsy and Aaron saw some stuff in me that's good.
I'm trying here...I really am...but I got another blow today...a minor one in the "big picture," but one that I wasn't expecting.

Turns out that now that I am hourly instead of salaried I only get paid once a the END of the month. I don't understand why they still couldn't keep me salaried at 1/2 time. This is not what I need right now.

I know I will get through, I know it will all work out...but this is totally the stuff no one wanted me to have to come home and deal with. If I don't eat, don't drive (except to and from work) and cancel Rob I should be able to last until the end of the month.

I wish I knew what God has in mind...because right now I think our visions of my future are on opposite ends of the scale.

Monday, July 07, 2003

Deep breath...distress tolerance....augh!!! Promprting event? Stress...plain and simple.

Okay...let me back up. I have been on edge all day...not even sure why. My anxiety level is absolutely through the roof. I took a Seroquel earlier today, but it made me so sleepy...I don't dare take another one until I am ready to go to bed.

So, I am trying to walk myself through a "Behavior Chain Analysis" so I can figure out what skills I can use. For those of you who don't know...a BCA is a 4 page document I had "fun" filling out for all sorts of stuff while I was at Remuda LIFE. Self harm, purging, not finishing a meal, sucidal ideation, etc. Actually, I found it very helpful. First page is a narrative on what exactly happened, the second page is figuring out thoughts and feelings that led to the behavior, the third page is writing down the prompting event, the feelings/thoughts leading up to the event and the consequences of the event. The fourth page is looking at the thoughts leading up to it and what skills could have broken the "chain," what positive and negative things occurred by doing the behavior both immediate and later and what the consequences mean for you.

Prompting Event: Wanting to fully engage in behaviors/suicidal thoughts.

I guess the thoughts started last Monday when my car and then my mother's car had out batteries go dead and then I needed a tire. One of the actions started that day as I restricted breakfast that day as well. Oh...I was also going back to work the next day. So after all the car drama was over and I sat down to figure out my finances or lack thereof...I pretty much freaked. No surprise...but seeing it was a shock. So, I managed to keep eating and keep doing what I was supposed to do, but the thoughts of coping in all the old ways were there.

Tuesday I went back to work and realized I do not feel comfortable being there. I have hope the feeling will pass...but I only went in two days last week and couldn't wait to get out. I feel as if they are keeping there to be nice. Children's Ministry can be run with volunteers...same as they are doing with Youth Ministry.

Thursday was a pretty good day. Slept in, rented a movie, saw Rob, came home and read, watched the movie with my mom...and ended up making two good sized cuts on my leg. Maybe it was because the movie made me sad, or because right now there are moments I wish I were dead or because coming back is not what I thought it was going to be...not that I had any fantasies...but being employed full time and still doing YM was kinda what I was thinking

Augh...I need the BCA in front of me to do all of this. Skills wise I need to self-soothe, I need to relax and I need to tolerate the rising distress by using radical acceptance of my current situation. I feel like I am heading toward a panic attack. And it's a whole week until I see Rob again. My mother may not see the wisdom of seeing him 2x a week...but I do.

I so don't wnat to go to work tomorrow. But, I need to be at staff meeting and Steve and I need to meet so I can see where he wants me to go with CM. At least he has enough confidence in my abilities to be able to give me the direction he wants to see us go and let me get there how I think is best!

I can't give in...I worked too hard...but geez...all that Seroquel and Ambien....augh...very tempting.

Still at my mom's much as I am going nuts keeps me accountable!

Sunday, July 06, 2003

I am truly not aure how long I am going to be able to stay at the church. My anxiety level is sky high while I am there and I really have no passion for Children's Ministry. Can I do the job? Yes. Can I try and enjoy it as I start writing rotations? Yup. But, the fact remains I LIKE CM, but it is not my passion. Hell, at this point, my passion is wishing I could back to RR one day as an MHT at LIFE or del Sol. But that can never happen.

My grandmother gave me a check for tomorrow...but looking at what I need, the now $240 I have needs to go for other stuff than Rob. Can we say this is NOT a good thing? I have to make this work without slipping and without giving into other behaviors.

I am still at my mom's...but I am really going to try and go back to my least there I will want to eat a variety of food because if I want to mess up my kitchen...I can...I hate "dirtying" my mom's...even though I clean up. It's never good enough!

Saturday, July 05, 2003's been a lot longer than I thought since I updated this thing. Geesh...

Let's see:
* I am home
* My job has been changed to part-time ONLY with Children's Ministry
* I no longer have insurance which means I am dropping to only the meds that I truly the tune of over $200.
There are two I have had to give up because they wouls cost almost $500 a month and there is no way I can do that
* I have $160 in the bank that has to last until the 15th that I need to pay for meds, my therapy sessions, groceries, bills
and gas with. Hmmm...looks like therapy is out the window for a couple weeks.
* I would be in better shape $$$ wise...but I had to sink over $200 in car repairs this week.

My last 30 days at LIFE were good...but eventful. Let's see...after I got off meal support I think I did well for another week or two and then I cycled into a major depressive episode. This time I was actually vocal about the suicidal ideation and wanting to self harm. So, I ended up on eyesight for a weekend and didn't get to go to Independent Living. I went to Staffing to plead my case and when I met with my therapist...she said that after I presented they really wanted to extend me...but as they looked at the treatment goals...I really did meet them. And, they felt I was cycling out of the episode. I felt good about the decision because of the feedback I did receive from them...they said I showed I can fall flat on my face with my meal plan but can pick myself up and get back on track and that everything else I need to do I can do outpatient. They also think that me tripling to doing 7 times the calories (depending on the day pre-Remuda LIFE) a day was a HUGE accomplishment.

So, here I am almost two weeks later and have only missed one meal and self-harmed only once. No purging! So, as much as I wasn't sure if I really had any internal motivation...I guess I really do.

Honestly, my financial situation does have me stressed...but I am getting through it without my Seroquel (left it at work) and with those two not using behaviors. Believe me though...the ideation is strong...but I am not giving into it and am using my skills.

Anyway, there isn't a whole lot new. I am sick of eating 3x a day...but I am doing it and hope to be able to enjoy food one of these days. I get to stay at my least until the end of this month. I can't afford to have my phone again this could be bad if I run into a crisis...but hopefully I can afford to have it again in August. My part-time job gives me just enought $$ to qualify for NOTHING help wise. I hope I get the disability papers soon so hopefully I will have at least enough $$ fromt hat for my meds and therapy..if that happens...I may be okay.