Monday, December 29, 2003


"I really can't describe it. I'll be puttering along my day and getting stuff done or whatever and all of a sudden my mood just drops out of nowhere and my mind starts wandering to the razor blades and to my pills and just wanting to make it stop and wanting OUT. I don't know if what I am doing at the moment seems pointless or I seem pointless (well...I always feel pointless so I guess there is the answer...all of a sudden my pointlessness hits me)...but I just want to cease."

That's what I sent o Rob tonight. I am not trying to use not knowing where to start from session to session as an matter what he says...but it is what it is. I try to just get from one moment to the next...or one block of time to the next and he doesn't seem to quite get I don't pay much attention to what I am feeling...other than "get through it." Maybe the cutting is a form of "reward" for making it through at times. It's getting less and less and while I blew it Saturday...I had gone just over a week I think.

There are times (between you, me and this other words this does NOT go to him) when I know he is right. He wouldn't have been wrong to call 911 Christmas Eve...however, to look at $2000 a day in hospital bills is something I cannot fathom and would just make the situation worse...not better.

I have to admit, had he called 911 on Wednesday, I would have bailed out of the office and would not have gone home. Probably would have driven to So Cal instead...I have places I can hide out there!

Maybe I'll find a point while I am in WA.

Sunday, December 28, 2003

Just Get Me Outta Here!

I really do try and be a patient person...but I am ready to get the gell out of Dodge and just "be." Today did go okay. I found soap flaked in the Craft Closet and had enough for the kids that wanted to do it. Some thoght the soap stank so they played checkers and stuff. We had no kids for Children's Church so it was kind of a play day!

Packing and going through some stuff in my room I found another bottle of seroquel. It kind of stunned me. I emailed Rob and let him know about it...I am not sure what is there and I suppose in the long run it doesn't matter.

My flight leaves Tuesday at 9:06 AM so I woll probably post tomorrow and then not again until I gte back...even at that it may not be right away because I will have some work to do to get ready for next Sunday...I am going to try and put that all out of my mind though.

I have my shoes I ride in packed and am drying laundry right now. I will have a little bit more to do tomorrow morning and then I am set! My grandfather is picking me up ay 6:45 AM Tuesday. They are saying to get there 2 hours early with the security level raised. Praise God for Starbucks!

I am also hoping that I can get a window or an aisle since I will arrive early...please, please, please don't let me get stuck in the middle! Two hours is too long!

I Hate the Night!

I don't know what happens to me at night...too much quiet...too much of my head spinning...too much...too much...too much!

I cut last night and it looks icky. I called Rob and left a message that I wanted to, but I was trying to distract (while I was online) and then I was going to set the timer and read and try to relax and ride the urge out. I started out with 20 minutes and then went to an didn't do any good.

So, I call him and let him know I did...he's not going to be happy. But, as he didn't call me back in that hour span...I am really glad that it was only cutting because had it been anything else I would have taken his non-response personally and...look...I KNOW better...but I think I keep waiting for him to reject me for real.

I don't want to be here...I want to be at home sleeping and getting ready for Washington. My craft idea crashed and burned (who knew that in three stores I couldn't find Ivory Snow???) so I need to try and think of something else between now and 10:45. However, I did get my final reimbursement check for the year and I am thrilled...I need it!

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Almost Ready to Escape!!!

I cannot wait until Tuesday. I wish I could sleep until then...waking long enough to pack! Not that things around here have been "hairy," with my mom sick it has been reather peaceful...but I am just ready to go and be a vegetable!

Bill, Kim and I went to go see "Peter Pan" today. It was wonderful! I absolutely loved it and want to see it again. I told Kim about my session and she asked me if I thought Rob would continue to push the hopsital issue when I get back. I assume it will depend on where my frame of mind is. He wants me to the point where the plan no longer exists...even though right now I have no timeline as everything got messed up when i handed over my meds to him. That's not good enough. I still maintain a 72 hour hold won't be good enough either and just make me mad!

I just want to get through church stuff tomorrow and then I am free until the 6th! I need to find one more teacher and I can get all the supplies when I get back. If Kim can deposit my paycheck for me...I am set! Otherwise I have like NO money and both my gym and ISP bills are due while I am I hope she can do it for me!

The 49ers I hope on of the teams lose so at least Seattle's win will be worth it!

Friday, December 26, 2003

I got through Christmas and Christmas Eve with the Fujii family and it was okay...a little awkward with my other family...but good. My cousins and I swear we were never as noisy as the kids are now...but even my mom said that Curtis and I used to drive everyone nuts as little kids.

Mary, my cousin Calvin's youngest, looks a little like I did at 3 and is just a crack up. She is ticklish like I am and so that was fun. Curtis and I ganged up on her and tickle tortured her a lot! Kiely sang all the songs from her Xmas program at school and the boys were the boys! I'd hate to see what it would be like to have all six of the little ones together. Four boys and two girls. Kind of like us...we ended up with six boys and three ending up as the oldest girl. It's weird because up until a couple years ago I hadn't seen Jennifer since she was 2 and now she is 20 something!

Christmas at my grandparent's house was pretty grandmother only had two beers...but she did get Kaluha and Crown Royal from my grandfather...grrr...

Can't wait to get to WA and try and unwind a bit and stuff. I am not looking forward to Monday because I am not sure I am ready for another intense session.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

I almost ended up in the hospital. Rob was ready to make the call. We fought about it because I told him a 72 hour hold during the holidays with no real staff/programming will do nothing for me and not take away any thoughts/plans. He said maybe it would be a wake-up call...I told him that wouldn't be likely and he knew it. We lapsed into stony was weird...usually I am the one who quits talking...not him.

He finally looks over at me and tells me we can't keep doing this and wouldn't believe me when I said that I don't know how or where to start. It really, really sounded like he was going to terminate me. I broke down in tears and said, "You're gibing up on me." He told me he wasn't and I can't remember what I said but I know I didn't agree with him!

Rob then got up and I was almost 100% sure he was going to call 911. He got up and closed the blinds (as the sun goes can see in the office) and then came back over and just held me and told me that he wasn't giving up on me, but he is going to keep pushing and "kicking your butt." He said if anyone is going to decide when I walk out that door and not come back it will be me...not him.

Rob said at the core of it all...beyond therapist/patient that we are brother in sister in Christ and that I mean a great deal to him and if I need him to repeat his commitment to me over and over he will.

I thank God for him each day...I told him he was my "Giles" from "Buffy" and he laughed.

So, I still have to check in and Monday we'll see where we go.
It is Christmas Eve and I have very mixed emotions about all of it. I have no idea what is going to happen today. I am afraid I culdn't come up with what Rob wanted from me and I know he is going to want to call 911. I can't let that happen. I will NOT spend Christmas locked up on a 51-50.

But, I have checked in every few hours like I was supoosed to and talked to my friend Kim a little bit and let her know what was happening so I am hoping that will ease Rob's mind for a bit.

Monday, December 22, 2003

What a day! Rob gave it to me with both barrels. I really goofed, though. I decided to give him a weekend where I didn't email him or call or anything because I am not sure if that has ever happened...even if it is just fun stuff. HUGE mistake. He was really upset (I could have pointed out the phone works both ways) because I did say I'd check in...just didn't think he meant all weekend...he does have a family.

So, he gave me some choices that don't seem like real choices to me and it was pretty tense in there. Finally, as he kept "threatening" to call 911 he asked me what I was thinking. I told him 2 things were running through my head and they were stupid. He asked me what they were and I managed to say, "You hate me and want to get rid of me" before I gave him one thing he wants from me...tears.

He told me that if he didn't care that this would have been any 'ol session where he lets me talk about the 49ers and other stuff. He has talked about me to others in the office to try and figure out what to do about me and he is going against their advice by letting me walk around a free woman...but he's trying to trust me with this. I won't let him down...I can't.

Anyway...I have to call every few hours (which I that I know what would happen if I don't) and check in.

I know hope is there...I just can't grasp it right now!

Sunday, December 21, 2003

Thanks to Andy I have snow!

I am excited. I will probably keep it there all winter. part of CA doesn't get snow...but still!

I come in this morning, hands full of allI need for church this receipts for December (I hope!), supplies for cookies, Hershey Kiss trees, etc. when lo and behold...there are a slew of Christmas cards on the office door. One of them is from the Christian Counseling Center! Back and center is Rob! It is a staff picture and we have two members of our church that work there...but geesh! It was a lousy picture of him!

Just found out that the office is closed Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and the day after. Woo hoo...four day weekend! Good thing I got what I got done on Friday. I still may come in Monday to make sure I have everything done for when I leave for Washington.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Can today be over? Please?

I am finishing my baking for gifts, finishing Toni's gift and wrapping presents for my mom and the ones I still needed wrap and Christmas cards. I none of that is as important as what this time of year signifies...but dang it! I can't find the cards I saw a little while ago I bought for Rob and Toni. Grr...Argh... I really liked them so I am bummed. They are probably wrapped with someone's gift.

I am honestly loking forward for all this to be over. I am afraid I am thinking Washington is going to be a cure-all and I know it's not...but I want it to be so I want to get there ASAP.

Haven't heard a word from Rob so I have no idea what he thought of what I wrote last night. Fine...I really don't care...I want him to have the weekend of not having to deal with me so no check ins and no emails and I see him on Monday anyway. I know we'll go another round about the hospital and my meds and why I signed the darn contract if I have no intention to stick to it...okay, I signed it and I want to stick to it...but a piece of paper is just that...but enough fo now.

I need to make the mint snowballs for Rob and make more peppermint bark!

Friday, December 19, 2003

I hate night time. I can do okay during the day when my mind is occupied with work, etc. But when it comes time for things to wind down at all floods back. What I did okay with, what I can I be allowed to walk the earth, etc. Even the idiot box doesn't help and neither does the mall...probably because it's so crowded.

Reading works for a little bit...but then I long to go to my car and grab my blades so I can cut...or try and figure out just when I can just disappear...can I fake Rob out and lull him into a feeling that I am really okay. The problem with that is:

1. I am a LOUSY liar.
2. He knows me too well after a year.

This is sooooo different from what is usually a major depressive episode and causes this thinking. That has a feel of big black cloud that is almost tangible. That's not the case this time. I'm not sleeping more, I am getting dressed on Saturdays...none of my red flags are there. Maybe it's just resignation.

I'm sick of fighting and don't know how much fight there is left in me.
So, I email the man that I am freaked about this whole contract thing as well as a laundry list of stuff I can't even remember. I am 1/2 asleep and on my way to Slumber Town and the phone rings. It's Rob. It's 10:15 PM. Hello!

Anyway, I don't remember a lot about the conversation other than he wanted to make a call and have me hospitalized. I told him I was just freaked about having to sign the contract (which is true) and that my anxiety level was through the roof. Then I was scared to death he'd do it because he says, "You sound despondent." Then comes, the "please'm okay...I promise." He told me to give him a reason not to...I told him that I have not gone back on our verbal agreements in the last few weeks so he can trust me (a word we have been throwing around a lot lately). So, he asks me to call and check in with him several times today. I called when I woke up.

About a 1/2 hour later (again...almost asleep) the phone rings yet again. Now he wants me to stop by at 4 to pick up my copy of the contract. This worries me and quite frankly...I don't trust him at this point. I don't know why I can't wait until Monday.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

This site is certified 65% GOOD by the Gematriculator
He did it...he had me sign a contract today. It still sucks because I'm supposed to call the emergency number. HELLO...I am not calling anyone who does not have knowledge of hat's going in with me right now. But, it also states that I can't do anything until I get a call back from him...meaning if I lose it in the middle of the night...I still have to hang on until 8 AM. If I lose it int he middle of the night and he doesn't call back...forget it. I'm not going to sit there and go nuts for 5,6,7 hours until he can return the call. I don't what he was thinking there.

I know it should make me feel safer or relieved that I don't have to rethink anything because on paper it's not an option...but this is where all my impulsivity might kick in.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

I get to ride a HORSE while I am in Washington! A horse...for days I can take off for a couple hours on a horse! Oh my gosh! I am really excited about that...I love to ride and this will be such a blessing to be able to take "Grace" out every day.

I can be all hermity except we are going to go see ROTK and they want me to come to the H.S. New Year's Eve bash. We'll see...I might. The YP is about my age, also female and it is a PCUSA church and wants to meet me. Might be a good diversion...might be a sad reminder. We'll see.

Things are pretty much "normal" at home. My mom woke me up at 2 AM because the raccoon was back and she was worried it would attack her when she left for work. Then it was my fault that she left the garage door open because I told her Alphie would be fine not locked up. Who wants to be yelled at at 2 AM!!!!????!!!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

My flight has been booked and on December 30th I am off to the San Juan Islands in Washington for rest, relaxation and hopefully renewing of my mind and heart. I want to be a hermit. Rob hasn't said too much about the trip...not sure what he thinks...but I will see him the day I leave and 90 minutes after I get back. And, he is always available by phone.

At least it gives me something to look forward to!
I cannot believe it has been one week since the latest "trauma drama" in my life. Everything is seemingly back to "normal," but I just don't know what that really means. Was mom's attempt simply because of the alcohol and her meds or is this going to lead to yet another attempt?

I tell Rob as selfish as I am least I won't be anyplace my family will find me and have to deal with the 911 call and stuff. I have to be sure no one finds me...not that I have a timeline...I need to rethink since I totally opened up to Rob. Sometimes I wish he would terminate would make it so much easier.

Monday, December 15, 2003

This is a bad night...I just sent Rob and obnoxiously long email...not sure if it will make things better or worse.

I got my last two ambien and trazadone refills so that's it...if I can't snap out of it what I have had better work because there is NO money for anything if I fail and I sure as heck don't want to be swallowing charcoal.

I hate he can't be paged and I know it is stupid...but I refuse to ever call the emergency number he gives on his VM. I cannot believe he doesn't have a pager. Makes it easier.

I need to move them again because he asked me a question and I innocently told him where I had the pills...duh...he got me there.

It's not like I have a date picked out or anything so I wish he'd just get off my back. Chances are it will never happen because I'll be afraid to fail. I told him (the email) that getting the pills back is some twisted sign.
A new week...a new chance to try and figure out why I'd rather die than live and another week where Rob has no peace because I'm still 80% determined. I suppose I could lie to him to get him off my back...but I think he knows me better than that by now. Besides, how can I have a mind change that quickly. I told him I needed a new plan because I told him my other one.

He asked me what has to happen for my plan to be squelched. I don't have an answer. I am hoping my trip to Washington will just give me some perspective. At least he knows I will be safe there. I need to tell my mom I am going...but I can't wait!

Sunday, December 14, 2003

I am not quite sure where to start...the last few days have been well...for lack of better words...a living hell! Marked with moments of safety and a greater appreciation for Rob than ever.

For those who don't follow along in other mom tried yet again to kill herself Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. I had the "pleasure" of listening to the whole thing happen biding time until she went to her room so I could call 911. Then, my mom being my mom, she got ON the phone. So I had to go a a couple blocks to a pay phone to call 911. They kept her on a 72 hour hold, changed her anti-depressant and she has been home since Friday afternoon.

That night is was almost ME. But, I committed to Rob and I also would never do it at home where my mom would have to come home and find me. So, I cut a little bit and then baked my head off to distract. The next day I took my pills to Rob...but it turns out he can't leagally keep them for me so he had to give them back to me Thursday night. He calls me like at 9:45 at night to tell me (he was still at the office) and so I went ahead and picked them up then because I needed one to try and sleep.

Time for a new plan because I told him my old one since I gave him the pills. I'll tell you one thing...after the last few days...I'd better succeed because as odd as it sounds and I'd rather my family deal with me being DEAD rather than the other stuff.

I'm not sure still what I feel...but I need to keep it in check anyway because I need to get through church.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Sometimes I wanna scream...I just want to yell and scream and cry and just become that emotional heap that Rob wants me to be. I can be so controlled with him and then leave and that's when the tears want to flow or when I want to tell him everything. It took so much not to call him last night and beg for a call back...but then I knew I wouldn't know what to say because there is no privacy. My mother tells her friends I'm fine and how it is for the best that I am living there...but I long for just cease existing and be able finally rest.

I'm so tired...

I was on the 101 heading toward the 49er game on Sunday when the Half Moon Bay exit came up. If I would have had my pills with me...I was sorely tempted to take that exit and just get it over with. But, I did promise Rob and that means a lot to me that he is trusting me from session to session...either that or he thinks I'm full of it and is trying to call my bluff...guess what fella...I am not bluffing. I don't think he'd do that though. I've let to many others down to break my promise to matter how much I want to.

The 49er game was wonderful. It was so neat to be able to finally see my faveorite team play. It is hard to believe I was there and got to see both Garcia and Rattay play and see Kevan Barlow in his first start and do so well!

Saturday, December 06, 2003

And so it annual Xmas baking/cooking. I have two boxes of goodies to send to my friend Anna and my chiropractor (in So Cal) and then goodie bags for Rob, Toni, the Rolstons and to take into church and make everyone hate me!

Since I need to get Anna and Doug's mailed...Rob will benefit because I get to use him as a guinea pig! I use him as a guinea pig all the time! Cheesecake, apple pie, chocolate souffle cake, etc. He seems to like my baking and I enjoy baking for others.

Last night was a tough one. I seriously sat there and thought about getting a big glass of rum and Coke and with my mother sitting there start popping pills and read. 10:1 she wouldn't have noticed. I was ready to forget my promise to Rob and just say buh-bye. Baking is taking my mind off it a bit.

Tomorrow is the 49er game!!! I cannot wait! That gives me something to look forward to!

Friday, December 05, 2003

I think I have let myself overthink yesterday.

I am a "touchy-feely" person...except for thast stupid massage...I don't mind being hugged or touched and welcome it.

This morning, ever since I woke up...I have been feeling just absolutely disgusted with myself for yesterday. There was NOTHING wrong with how Rob and I were sitting or the contact we had. He let me put my head on his shoulder and it was comforting and I felt safe that I could tell him anything...Rob is an awesome therapist!

But's too close to what happened when I was abused. Gosh...Rob would never do anything like that and if I never wanted a hug from him he'd be cool with that...but I am totally freaked!

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Today was pretty much what I expected...with a twist.

We (I) were getting no place...he wouldn't let me be performing monkey and I wouldn't allow the tears to fall that were there. He finally asked me if I wanted him to sit anyplace else rather than across from me on the floor. I have wanted to sit on the floor lately and he's game!

At first I said no and then I moved over to the giant bear and told him to come sit next to me. He put me in a headlock and then he put his arm around me and we sat like that for a bit and then he just became my Siamese twin for the rest of the session. I felt safe and relaxed and able to talk so that was good.

We talked about my identity or lackthereof and the scariness of not knowing who I am outside of youth work and the ED. At Remuda they told me not to worry about that part that it would come...but what if it doesn't? What if I am what I think I am and everyone else is wrong...okay...I am convinced everyone else IS wrong and they finally see it? *SHUDDER*

I promised him safety until Monday when I see him...and for now he accepts it. The closer we get to the New Year...the more I have to have a game plan before he does what he needs to. I am just thankful he is trusting me right now.
There are days that I can't wait to get to Rob's office because I have something for him, something to tell him...I am dying to get my hands on Frederick even though I have my own now, etc.

Today is one of those days when I want 1:00 PM to come very slowly and even as I want to talk about all this mind keeps going back to any piece of trivia I can think of that would get him off on a tangent.

Monday (did I blog this?) he asked me if he had to...who was he going to call? First thing I said was "Ghostbusters." I mean c'mon...that truly was NOT intentional, but it is hard to stay present in all of this with him which is really a good sign...but I can't seem to be able to force myself to give him what he wants from me.

I asked him that in an email...I told him I a great trained monkey if he would tell me HOW to get it out. He didn't answer. I guess it's not his job to answer...but it's be nice because I look to him for "leadership and guidance" besides him being the voice of reason and truth in my life.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

I emailed Rob about the email I received about writing and my doubts and he answers back:

If you don't mind me taking a page from your book - "Cool Beans" :) You have soooooooooooo much to offer, and of course I know, because I'm the voice of... you know! :) see ya'z ta'ma'rah! :) Rob

Of course, I don't think anyone is being objective. Okay, he has told me stuff like that over and over and over...but I just can't get my head around it. Tomorrow is going to be a very long session...I know he is going to push for answers, thoughts, feelings and since I have emailed him all the stuff we would usually talk about...he's not going to let me play all avoidy girl. Ugh.

The thing is, after tomorrow...Monday is going to seem so far away until I see him again. In some ways that's fine it's not like I need to be in his office 24/7...but I do drink in the safety of that place.
I received an email from John Gocke this morning. He is with Cokesbury and he is still wanting me to write for their email newsletter. The $50 an article would be a blessing (even if I just got two published a month), but I just don't feel I have anything to offer anyone right now.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

I'm scared. I emailed Rob earlier today and admitted that:

1. I wanted to lie to him and tell him I am fine now
2. That I think about all of this 60% of the time and my big fear is that I am compulsive enough to just do it because that's what I did the last time.

Does he answer me? Noooooooooooooo... I am probably on his last nerve anyway!

Do I want to feel this way?, as I told Rob, this is something I have longed for since I was 12 years old.

No more feeling evil and awful and not wanted and mean and selfish and and and and and and...

I know it is incredibly selfish...but hey...I am always accused of being selfish anyway.

There are other youth workers out less makes no difference
I would free up two of Rob's appointments
I would stoip taking too much space mother already has my cremation/burial of ashes spot/ etc. PAID for.

I'm sick of trying to hang on...trying to believe that there is a "happy" ending...I don't think I have won.

As the guy said on "Average Joe" last night...I am a "DUFF" and will always be a "DUFF" and I'm sick of that as well.

No one could ever love anyone as screwed up as I am and I have given that up...

I have NOTHING going for me anymore and I just want to rest.

Monday, December 01, 2003

You are Cinnamon.
You are fiery and passionate. You pour your heart
into everything you do, and you don't stop when
you set your mind to something. You let people
know exactly what's on your mind. However,
your friends are sometimes put off by your
intense drive and fiery personality.
Most Compatible With: Spearmint

Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Today I received my "Buffy" Advent Calendar. No matter how rotten things are I am thankful I can find one small thing to make me smile...even if it something as simple as that.

To tell you the truth, I really believe you know you could be sharing more w/ me - not just facts, not just reporting to me - but really sharing more - more deeply of your feelings especially - I really believe and feel you know what I mean here...

I don't know how...I really don't. Do I want to? Yes! But I don't know HOW...

He continues to remind me time is ticking but does he expect me to just "snap out of it?" If I could I would...but there is a peace with this deicison. I am not needed nor wanted and I am tired...

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Today was one fo those days I wanted to quit my job. I wanted to simply walk away and let the kids in the Nursery fend for themselves. I wanted to walk into the Fireside Room and rant and rave about how everyone promises to serve and yet I find myself in the Nursery and having to cancel the Three Yead Old class because the person who was supposed to sub in the Nursery "forgot."

I wanted to walk out the doors and not come back until people realized that Advent shouldn't be just a "me" planning thing...but coopoerative with Adult Christian Ed. and Youth. That the whole thing as it is INTERGENERATIONAL classes shouldn't come out of the Children's Ministry Budget only AND that they bumped me to part-time and...and...and...

So, it was a bad day. We all have them and then day after tomorrow I go back to the office and I go on to the next thing and get ready for January and what needs to be done next Sunday. I don't need anyone to tell me how to react or how to feel...I just needed to vent. I made the mistake of trying to vent to my mom. She makes me listen her her woes enough I thought (mistakenly) I could get equal vent time. Nope! She swore at me among other things...and basically told me it was my fault.

If I could have cut right then and there I would have...but I couldn't. I called Rob and told him I was barely hanging on and that my mom was dragging me to Target. And, my mom who thinks buying me stuff is better than listening to me...did buy me a top...story of my life!

Stop the world I NEED to get off!

My life is rated PG.
What is your life rated?

Saturday, November 29, 2003

I want to cry and I can't. I want to be able to speak everything that needs words put them and I find myself at a loss for those words. I want to lay down on the floor in Rob's office and just rest...let the safety of that place give me that rest I desperately want and need.

He is considering an open ended no suicide contract, but isn't sure. He said he will do what he can to keep me alive even if it means calling my mother and having her sweep my room for my meds. Needless to say, they are no longer in my room. I told Rob I wasn't worth saving and I am so thankful he didn't try and give me reasons why that isn't true because he knew his answers would fall on deaf ears. Rob said he is not making the calls he could because he trusts me when I say I will be safe from session to session.

I emailed him the whole truth last night and what I have planned...except the exact where...I started to, but backed off.

He makes it sound as if I can just wake up and not purge or cut...doesn't he get if it were that easy I would have stopped ages ago? Food is evil, I deserve the scarring of my body...two months at Remuda and I spent SIX weeks of that on a behavior contract so I was running on perfectionism and not allowed to relearn what is supposed to be the truth.

Sometimes I think it's too late for me.


You surround yourself with art and music and are constantly driven to express yourself. You often daydream. You prefer honesty in your relationships and belive strongly in your personal morals.

Find out your color at Quiz Me!

I so need sleep!

Your element is Earth. I hate to say it but you are
down to earth. Stubborn and loyal. You tend to
want to nurture others and you are the one
person friends always come to for awnsers.
Without people like you others would be flying
over the edge because, whether you know it or
not you keep a steady beat to your life and
will end up where you want to in the end. There
is a sureness about you that is hard to match
that draws people to you. No matter what
happens the Earth keeps turning.

What's your element
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Friday, November 28, 2003

Nightmare Before Christmas
You know so much about the nightmare before
christmas. You must research and study it as
much as I do. I have loved this movie since I
was a kid and studied it very hard.
Congratulations.Please Please Please vote for
my quiz.

XxThe Best and Most Challenging Quiz of The Nightmare Before ChristmasxX
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Your soul is bound to the White Rose: The

"I've been waiting in the dark for a long
time, shining my beacon of hope through the
shadow. If you see me, don't you hide your
eyes from me."

The White Rose is associated with purity, honor,
and chastity. It is governed by the goddess
Artemis and its sign is The Cross, or Agape.

As a White Rose, you are a person of your word.
You may have a strong moral code, but
regardless of your virtue, you always stay true
to yourself. To you, love is the most pure of
emotional forms and it's just a matter of
waiting for it to bless you. Some people may
say you are too idealistic, but it's only
because you don't want to mess things up.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
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I survived Thanksgiving! No small feat! My mom only popped off with one really stupid food comment (and whispers to my grandmother about how happy they are to see me eat this year) the whole night and my grandmother only had one beer! This, my fine feathered friends, makes a great Turkey Day in our family!

I am so glad (and so are they) that I won the Turkey Day dinner debate and cooked. It was annoying to try and do this at two houses, but it was easier to cook here and take things there.

I am seeing Rob at 1 PM due to our emails on Wednesday. I had to cancel Toni (can't afford him, her and car insurance all in one week) to do this...but I guess at this point he is probably more important than her in the scheme of things. If I'm not around I won't need a dietitian.

I think Rob exaggerated whe he said he'd be devastated if we quit therapy together...but it is nice to know he cares...not that I had a doubt. He is coming in for me and someone else I am hoping we can have a double session again...they are very helpful.

Christmas baking commences next week for me...I need to finalize this year's goodies and get to baking and stuff. I do enjoy doing this for others!

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Rob and I had an interesting session...I like this sitting on the floor thing...seems more informal (like we're formal) and I'm glad I finally did it.

So, after getting him off on as many tangents as possible...he brings it around to I don't take my sleep/anxiety meds because I am keeping them. He asked me all these questions and now he's kinda freaked. Like I am the FIRST one ever contemplating this with a plan he has dealt with in 20+ years? Anyway, he brings us that maybe we shouldn't continue if I am so set on my own demise.

I got home and emailed him this:

Hey You!

I keep going over and over some of the things you said...and part of me thinks you are right. Why should I take up your time 2x a week when ultimately I'm not sure if I'm going to be around much longer? Your time would be better spent with someone who isn't a lost cause.

Maybe because though we joke about you being the Voice of Reason and Truth...that I want to believe what you are saying.

Maybe because I can torture myself some more sitting there 2x a week listening/seeing you be nice to be and hating every minute of it because I don't deserve it.

I don't know. I don't want to waste your time...I'm already a waste of space.

To which he replied:

You are SO WRONG, SO VERY WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are NOT a waste of space and I would be devastated if we didn't continue!!!!!!!!


To which I replied:

Then why did you say that if I am still plotting my demise that maybe we shouldn't?


Ummm...Go Lions!

He's in session now...but he called me to see if I got his email and to assure me that he wants us to have many, many,many more times together.

The thing is...I feel so rational about this whole thing. I have enough meds, I have the place and a rough ideas of when and it doesn't bother all. It seems like this is the course of things and I'm ok with it.

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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Tuesday, November 25, 2003

After a fitful night's sleep I am not doing any better and am probably more resolute than ever to carry out what I emailed to Rob last night. I do feel a little bad because he sent me this last night:

"I'll tell you what matters - YOU, yes YOU my freind - all that you think, feel, and experience - MATTERS - at least to me... I'd give you a hug right now if it were possible! Good night and I hope you sleep well, :) Rob"

Then I emailed him back and jumped all over that we are NOT friends because one day he will be out of my life and we won't have contact...but I wasn't ready to dwell on that yet. I also pointed out that in order to sleep well I'd have to get into my stockpile and NO WAY am I touching it. I have one refill left on the Trazadone and that's it...I could probably get Cameron to refill the Ambien one more time...but that's over $50 and the Trazadone is only $17.00.

I am curious how he is going to answer my tirade. I see him tomorrow anyway because of Turkey Day. So, we'll sit on the floor again (not sure why I did that yesterday...but I liked it. I didn't expect him to sit on the floor with me) and I'll drink apple juice and he'll eat my cheesecaake and argue for an hour...he'll hug me and then he'll get a zillion calls between Wednesdaay and Monday about how batty my family is driving me.

Monday, November 24, 2003

I have had it! Between Steve's comment about the brownie yesterday, Rob accidentally saying something similar about it being bad and being called "VERY FAT, FAT, FAT" by the lady who gave me a massage today...forget it...I flipping can't take it.

I know that I am the only one who can controlme reaction to such statements...and fine...I am choosing to be hurt and upset and sad...but grrrrr...

Sunday, November 23, 2003

I am soooo angry/sad/hurt right now.

I bought a peppermint brownie at Starbucks last night. I have been allowing myself to have one if I want one. I didn't want it last night so I brought it to church with me today. Still not in the mood so I was going to take it home and save it for when I wanted it or give it to Rob tomorrow.

Anyway, the kid who has the treasure box for the Children's Message wasn't here so Steve (SP) asked me to just give him anything. I handed him the brownie.

He goes on to say how "evil" it was and how bad for you and if he ate the ONE brownie it would make him bigger than he is now.

Thanks, Steve! Just what I needed to hear! Needless to say...the brownie is in the trash.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Like others, thanks to Andy the Geek I am also a Secret Santa Project

How fun!
Last night was somewhat of a mess that Rob is gone for the next few days. It's not like he hasn't been on vacation and I haven't seen him or I didn't see him for two whole months while I was Remuda (but I got to talk to him for one of the two weekly)...but I guess it's where I am right now that makes the difference.

I have enough to keep busy. Part of his Xmas present arrived and so I started work on it yesterday and tomorrow I see Toni and Saturday I will be helping at the "Boundaries" seminar all day and Sunday is church and then Monday he's back.

Today and tomorrow will be fairly busy at work so if I can keep busy it's good...not because Rob's out of town...but simply because if I stay focused on other stuff...I can forget the abyss.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Today I got Rob a cute Pooh Bear card for him to open on Saturday. He didn't want to wait and I think was alarmed I was asking him to wait...but it's okay...Saturday is the 22nd and marks one year and I am goofy that way and didn't want him to read the thank you card early. I told him yet again (and I think he doesn't always really understand I mean things I say) that he treats me way to nice and I don't deserve it. He told me, "This is where the 'Voice of Truth' comes deserve it and so much more." But, I think we will revisit this statement when he gets back.

I always feel safe in his hugs...but today I felt especially loved at the end. He just held me and tousled my hair and then hugged me again and let me rest there.

I'm trying so hard to hold on...if I had insurance, I would go someplace safe...but I don't so I cling to my promise to him and try to push the dark thoughts aside.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

We just completed our calendar meeting for the next few months. Wow! It is neat to see how "busy" we are and rthe variety of events...Latin American Fellowship, choirs, Kids Club, Advent, Lent, VBS, Servant Evangelism, etc. My head hurts. I am about to get a lot busier and that makes me pretty happy...but I won't have the hours to do all they want me to!

I remain on an oral safety contract with Rob. I almost thought he was going to have to talk to my mom last night and explain why she needed to take me to the ER. I cut and this one bled...a lot...and I thought it was going to need stitiches...but it stopped and it's ok. I emailed him last night after a really frustrating evening with my mom and explained to him that these feelings have been here since before I left Remuda...and that even when he knew I was stockpiling my meds we didn't talk about it though he made time for me that one Saturday because of how I was feeling. I also came clean about tonguing my sleep meds my last week at LIFE because I never told him about it when I came home.

Today I found myself looking at this four day weekend we are going to end up with that would be perfect for me to carry through my plan...but I am not sure if the weather will cooperate in Half Moon Bay that weekend. I promoised Rob I am safe through Christmas because I haven't started his Christmas present yet. That also gives me weeks to try and get all that I am feeling OUT. We made a game plan that I will no longer go straight home after a session because of my mom's expectations of how I "should" be after a session (happy/peppy) but go to the library or Starbucks and process and compose myself before going home. Good plan.

Last night was my night talking to my Aunt Joy...she was usual. She is married to my Uncle Mike who was best friends with the guy that molested me...until the police got involved three years later. That made for interesting conversation. We didn't talk about that...but it was another way that brings it all back yet again...not that it's much below the surface anyway as this has been my life in therapy...but just another reminder. I haven't seen my uncle since a year or two after it happened and he didn't know it happened until I wrote him 10 years ago or so and told him.

I just want it to stop...I feel like I am living in a dark pit and every day it gets worse and I just want it all to stop.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

I am dreading tomorrow's appoinment and it's still over 24 hours away. I don't know what to say. It's not like we haven't been here before...but the day of the emergency appointment he didn't bring it up even though I went in because I told him what I had at home. I also know that he can't take my word for it that I can stay safe. He knows my history.

Well...given my state of mind...I am not surprised by this...just don't agree with it 100%!

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Ben's Court of Honor was great! The video his dad put together was really neat. One of the letters Ben received was from Sara Moulton...she is the Executive Editor of "Gourmet" magazine...perfect for an up and coming chef! That was really great...they should have gone for Alton Brown though!

I am so at loose ends...I am dying to cut...but mom is up watching Hack and I feel like I ate way too much at Ben's reception. Given the fact the only thing I had to eat today did come up...I know I didn't...and it was all healthy, but it "seems" like it. Which my mom wouldn't get. The "58 Pound Anorexic" on ET talked about feeling like she had gained 10 pounds and my mom couldn't I'm not going to try to explain either...I just get flustered.

Changed my mind on Rob's Xmas gift...and I just bid and won a Creative Memories album in his favorite color to make a 12 month "perpetual album." It's my usual goodbye gift to my therapists (well...Greg and Marc) and I think it is something he will appreciate.

I found a great spot. There is a B & B near Half Moon Bay that is awesome called the Pillar Point Inn. I searched the web and that looks like a peaceful and comfy place. At Sea Horse/Friendly Acres Ranch you can do a two hour beach ride (NOT guided) for $30 if you ride a 8, 8:30 or 9:00 AM.

I need to find the cost...but I guess it won't really matter in the long run. Horses, the beach...two of my favorite could be very peaceful.
I think if Rob had not put me on the oral agreement...I might be better off. I am in enough of self-destructo mode that I am making up keeping the bargain in other ways...which is so absolutely stupid. I am already stressed about Mondays session. I have no answers for him...none.

I just know I feel gross and dirty and disgusting and that talking about why is making it worse right now. Then again, I also know that if I don't talk about it...I'll keep feeling like that...but right now I can't HANDLE feeling like this.

He's not getting my meds way.

Friday, November 14, 2003

I am now on a oral safety contract with Rob and I have made it through the first 12 hours. He said I could come and see him today if I need to and part of me wants to...just to not be alone. But, I have no clue what to even say. I mean, it's all out there and I am so stuck...I am unable to convey the whys or what I am feeling and after feeling like a HUGE waste of his time yesterday...I don't want to go through that again. If I want the time he is willing to give (well...make for me..still have to pay him)...I'd better be ready to babble and right now the words aren't there and neither are the tears. But, Monday seems a long way off from now.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

For the life of me I could NOT say ANYTHING to Rob as I had planned. I don't know if it is because I felt "ambushed" and not ready to jump in...or I was not ready to discuss that my feelings about living this life haven't changed and was put off that he didn't "get it." So, I was silent, I was evasive ("look..this makes Frederick's ears look like Princess Leia," "Rich Gannon is out for the season," "Rattay is starting on Monday," "Charlie gets to go to the game and I am soooo jealous.") and other assorted things that drove him nuts.

After he lectured I told him the words are just stuck. So, he let me write it. I was honest. Told him I have another 3000 mg. of Trazadone waiting to be picked up and add to my stash and that I had no plans for the meds...just that I had them "in case." Then I went into the reasons why I hate that he is nice to me. And we talked about it a little.

He prayed and I got up to leave and got my hug. He whispers in my ear that he cares about me and to watch the meds. I came home and emailed him reminding him exactly what I have on hand and that I am safe because I started my Christmas shopping. I just went back and read the email...I also made it clear I have a plan in mind...just no guts...yet.

He called a bit ago and I am on an oral safety contract with him...I stay safe between now and Monday...Monday at noon when I see him. Then we'll "talk about it." He wants my meds but he can't have them...because the thing is...they are my anti-anxiety and sleep meds and anti-depressant...I need my Lexapro and want the other stuff in case living here makes my anxiety rise again and/or I can't sleep.

I just feel incredibly alone...

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

So, I get an email from Rob thanking me for the compliment telling him he is way too nice and patient with me. I emailed him back and told him he didn't get it...I HATE that he's nice to me. I haven't heard back yet. But, I am sure that will be a topic in tomorrow's session. And, in truth, it's NOT getting away from the SA topic...but is a result of the abuse. I also wonder if he is not popping up here reading because he made a reference to "Mr. Voice of Reason and Truth."

Today is another beautiful fall day in San Jose. The leaves have turned and are falling...this morning was nice and crisp and Boo came and cuddled with me and purred until I was ready to get up. He is such a sweet cat. I really was fortunate to get him when I was in Indiana. Since he has been at my mom's he has sort of become "hers," but I am trying to coax him back to me! :)

There is this suicide debate thing going on the YS Boards. They don't get it. I mean, the main focus is will you or won't you go to hell...but then it started talking about would a believer do something like that if they are a believer. Some people have no clue of what Major Depressive Disorder or in the case of some friends Bi-polar Disorder does to your head and your emotions.

I may have said this already...but I emailed Rob and told him how I was doing. I said something like, "You know what caused us to have that Saturday session. Like that. I'll let you know when it changes." I need to get my otger meds refilled and I keep going back and forth about getting the trazadone refilled. That gives me 3,000 more mg. of a sleep med to add to my stash. I did spend my b-day money so that gives me a safety net as well.

I just want this over one way or another...before I really DO go insane.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

It dawned on me at some point last night when I was emailing Rob. One of his bi-weekly questions is how I am doing inside...I usually evade that one by saying "breathing" and we move on.

Lately, we all know what "changing gears" means. As I gave him my two word answer and then told him I wish this had an off switch he asked me if I wanted a real answer to the "off switch." What he told me is stuff I have told myself and things that I know are true. To turn off the switch I have to keep talking about it...even small things or phrases. Rob said even the smallest comment keeps that part from continuing to swirl around. I told him, "I hate it when you make sense." He laughed and said, "Oh yes...Mr. Voice of Reason and Truth."

So, I am home later and watching "Buffy" and Spike and Buffy are talking. They had just spent the night together...but her simply in his arms being protected and not alone. At one point he asks her if she was right there with him (it being pretty much the best night of his life) and she said yes...that she made that connection. That whirled in my mind for hours.

I'm pulling away from the YS Boards, the YM Yahoo Group, IM and others because I have discovered everyone is too NICE to me. I can't handle it. The abuse (not just the sexual abuse) but the verbal and physical abuse has left me feeling so dirty and disgusting that it's hard to connect and engage after a time because I don't want to "contaminate" anyone.

Rob asked me what might happen if something serious happens to my grandfather since I seemed to be the only one able to be strong enough to deal with 911 and stuff. I said "My life becomes hell." He told me, "It will add a few extra flames to what you are living with already." Not that I 100% consider my life resembling a living hell...but yeah...there are parts that are and for him to acknowledge that and validate it...whoa.

So, as I was emailing him I was trying to figure out why after weeks of talking about the SA and getting through some of it pretty well...why the sudden shut down. He's being so nice and great and compassionate and I don't deserve it.

Monday, November 10, 2003

Sometimes Rob is so understanding it's not even funny. I bought a t-shirt today (inspired by him) that says, "It's cute how you think I'm listening." He got a kick out of it. We talked about the stuff with my grandfather and then moved onto the abuse stuff.

I couldn't get past feeling gross and disgusting. I mean, that's what I feel when I talk about it and then the feeling continues for hours/days until I can block out how gross and disgusting I feel almost ALL the time. Okay...guess I need to email him that.

Went to the library and then came home with the intention of eating lunch and keeping it down...but it's hard to do when it feels like there is someone else's tongue besides yours in your mouth. So, I ate and I purged and hurt myself...which got me to stop...because the pain was so bad.

I got my Lilo charm today. Just waiting for Bambi and "Buffy." Woo hoo!

I lead such an exciting to feed the cats and then to Starbucks!

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Another Sunday morning. Another chance to spend some time with the kids. However, today I will be in the Nursery which means I may or may not have any kids to be in the Nursery with. If not...I'll pop up to help Sara with the cupcakes the kids are decorating.

Everything just keeps getting so bleak. I am trying...I really am...trying to take joy in the smallest things...but more often than not I wake up disappointed I woke up.

I feel like such a loser having to live at home again after all these years. I want to cry, but I can't. Rob gve me a break with the abuse stuff on Thursday and I wish that would have happened tomorrow instead when I could use the break...on Thursday I was ready to do the trauma work.

But, I keep going because it can't always be like this...I know that...but right now I hate every single minute of it!

Saturday, November 08, 2003

One day this will all be over. One day anniversary dates (even good stuff) won't hurt anymore. One day I will know all the answers to all my questions. One day is not coming fast enough.

Friday, November 07, 2003

"Please try not to purge and cut in the next few days, it's not good for you," he says as he wraps me in our bi-weekly bear hug...being Jesus with skin on and giving me a mit of extra strength...especially over the weekend.

"I see you sit there and you tell me something like not continuing the application process for the church in Arizona and I see that commitment to stay here and be here. But, I KNOW you. I know there is so much more inside than just that. Do you still fear being to open and losing control?"

"Tell your mother to 'cool it' among other things."

15 more days and I will have been with Rob for a whole year...a total milestone. Things aren't perfect...I still tend to hold back at times and not pop up with the first thing that pops into my head. That is SO silly because if he has shown me once...he has shown me a zillion times that he's not going to think what I have to say is stupid or silly...but rather the most important thing he could hear at that moment. I thank God for Rob's patience with me.

Major "trauma drama" with my grandfather last night. My mom and I were watching the Lifetime 4 PM movie together and she only made one stupid comment. "I didn't know what to bring home for dinner, so I didn't bring anything. I guess we'll have nothing for sinner...but you're used to that."

ANYWAY...we settle din and watched the movie and the toward the end the phone rings. It's my grandmother and my grandpa had collapsed in the bedroom. I got my shoes on...Mom grabbed her robe thingy and off we went. I was ready to call 911 while my mom went in his room to check on him. She had me call and while I was giving 911 info, I had to go in and check on him and like my mom...I was pretty convinced he may have had a stroke. He was so out of it and the look on his face...

EMTs arrive and his blood sugar was 35...way too low. He fights them...they finally get an IV in his arm after he almost loses consciousness. They take him in and I get a ride in the ambulance while my mom and grandmother get dressed to meet me at the ER. They had him eat, drink some juice and it was finally normal enough to be able to go home. The disoriented scared me more than anything else. Seeing my constant stable in life not be able to tell the emits where he was and stuff was scary. My grandpa is 69...My grandma is 83...I'm 34...My mom is 57...I was mistaken for his WIFE...TWICE!

At least my life isn't boring...Right? I just feel so sad...So down...Maybe it's the weather...Maybe it's dealing with the changes in the last few weeks...I keep telling myself that I'm fine and I'll be fine because I haven't started Rob's Christmas present yet so I can't act until it's done. Whatever takes until this passes...

Thursday, November 06, 2003

I sit here and it reminds me of "Doogie Howser, MD." It might not, but after watching "The 80s Strikes back" on does now! I really used to like that show so that's okay.

Had the weirdest dream last night. Dreamt I was back at Remuda, but they sent me straight to IL and it was days before I finally made it on to the cul-de-sac to have my orientation and stuff. It was way weird. It was day, but it looked like it was night and the stars were incredible and some staff were there...that was weird. Aaron was chewing on a gray sweatshirt which was even stranger.

It is hard to believe Yac has been gone a week. I think of the Conventions I have been to and the memories of them and Yac flood my mind. I remember the Spiritual Retreat in San Diego the first year it was offered and the "art" we creates when getting rid of our clay and Mike's awe of what our pieces created when all "mushed" together and having it at the altar the last day when we took Communion. I have pictures of that in one of my Creative Memories albums someplace.

It's still amazing that I am getting an email here and there from people who haave heard the news and are checking on me. They know how much of a YS Freak I am and so it makes a weird sort of sense. Okay, I look at my shelf in my office filled with YS resources...some no longer vailable and friends know me well.

It is 9:25 and I am dreading 1:00 PM already. I just don't feel like bringing up the muck today. Part of me feels that since the nightmares have decreased, the flashbacks have lessened and I don't disassociate much in or out of session it's all trauma subject. But Rob is correct...there is so much there on a daily basis I feel gross and I can feel his tongue being shoved into my mouth...that is probbly the worst. I hadn't said that to Rob, but since he came out and asked me's like it's there all the time and it makes eating so hard. I did great at dinner last night...but that was my only meal...but it was on plan!

I was trying to get my mom to eat salmon with me (I baaked her a potato along with mine that she ate) and she said, "I don't have to eat balanced like you people do." You PEOPLE??? Sigh... I felt so guilty for eating after that I wanted to purge so bad...but I can't at her house without her knowing. Is she EVER going to learn?

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

You are DORY!
What Finding Nemo Character are You?

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Georgia O'Keefe
Fantastic!! You are GEORGIA O'KEEFE.
You are a true spirit of nature, and it shows in
the flowing floral paintings for which you are
most famous. You feel the beauty of all things
around you, and your friends appreciate you for
your ability to share that extraordinary beauty
with them.

Which famous artist most reflects your personality?
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Living with my mother is NOT a good thing...

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Today I get to pick up "Finding Nemo" at the Disney Store! Cheesy as it may seem...I am so excited and could use a little laughter right now. As I continue to read the posts and tributes to Yac...he will be sorely missed for a very long time.

Rob misunderstood my message on Friday and didn't quite hear who I meant. When he followed up with me yesterday he was just as much in shock as I was. He was a fan of "The Door" (SO Rob) and said that he had a friend who was always on the fringes of his faith and that when Yac had "The Door" that is often what kept his friend going. I LOVE when Rob shares that personal stuff with me. Which, he does more and more.

Last week, as I was yet again going through the abuse scenario...he told me when he was in Jr. High he was on Greyhound on his way to visit relatives. I told him I used to do that as well...but I was like 7 and 8...he was stunned. Anyway...he said he was sitting next to this guy carrying a large Bible and seemed friendly enough at first and toward the last couple hours of the trip...Rob realized what the guy was really AFTER. So, when I talk about the nausea and fear...he said he understands a little what it must have been like (times a whole lot more) for me.

The one good thing about moving back into my mom's house is that it does keep me accountable as far as food is concerned. I even went grocery shopping yesterday! I need to pick up a few more thing and start doing menus again...but I have been pretty much on track the last few days. Toni will be happy.

Friday, October 31, 2003

I don't know why I feel the way I do. I mean I knew Yac...but I didn't "know" him. Maybe it's because I'm jealous he is Home and I yearn to be. Maybe it's because it is such a loss to the YM and Christian community and general and maybe it's because that wonderful passion has been taken from our midst.

Talking to Les Christie helped and I have been touched by some of the emails I have received checking on me. It is truly like a member of my own family is gone!

Thursday, October 30, 2003

I am in such a funk. Tomorrow I finish cleaning and leave my apartment...ugh...I feel like I still have a ton to do there, but I really don' most of it done yesterday.

The church in Mesa, AZ wants me to continue on in their serach process. I want to...but I know what Rob said...but the application is just phase 2.

Today is Thursday and thus reliving the stuff I have been reliving for two months now and nausea setting in already. If I wasn't already seeing the good and God's healing...I'd bail on this topic with Rob.

Stop the world...I wanna get off!

I don't mean to have a rotten attitude...but today is just one of those days when it seems like this battle is NEVER going to end and I am worn out from trying to fight it and get life stuff done at the same time.

My sleep is more way off than usual and I think that is part of the my ED behaviors...I also know stress causes me to cycle into a depressive I am trying to do what I need to to combat it. I'm outta bed, I am at work...I am going to see I am doing the right things...but I can "feel" the clouds...

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

This is going to pretty quick! I need to get to work and get to finishing my move.

I am now the proud owner of my very own Frederick puppy (well...Patrick is its actual name) that I received as a gift and my gift to me this year was pre-ordering "Finding Nemo." :)

Tomorrow Rob and I jump right back into everything...ugh! But, there is a light at the end of this very, very, VERY long tunnel...and I am not going to get to it if I try to avoid the tunnel. Blah!

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Well, I am off for the rest of the day. I am looking forward to dinner tonight with friends and just having a nice, low key day.

Last night was the first time I allowed myself b-day cake in ages. I did purge later last night (I was hungry again and then was guilty...go figure), but at least I had it and even brought the rest home.

Baby steps!
Today I am 34 years old. Scary monsters!

I am 34 and have to move back into my mom's house because I have been unable to find another job. That is sooooooo depressing!

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Which Fantasy/SciFi Character Are You?

Today is the last Kidz Club and I am so happy! I really got into this having Sunday nights off thing when I got back from Remuda. So, after tonight, I get a couple months of being able to watch "American Dreams! Woo hoo!

I took a picture of the "scene of the crime" and just printed it off on my printer for Rob tomorrow. It is the day before my I WANT to rehash all this tomorrow of all days? Ick. But, as much as I hate it...I don't want to lose momentum either. So, dig in again we shall.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

The move is almost complete and though I am not thrilled having to live with my mom...after last night I am so glad I will be out soon. First there was "limo guy," but I was able to blow him off pretty quickly. Now there is "creepy neighbor guy." I thought I got rid of him the FIRST time I toldhim I was moving. As I was taking garbage out last night...he stopped me and asked me about the moving thing. I hope he sees Jose's truck come get my "big stuff" Monday morning.

I took a bunch of stuff getting unsentimental about someitems and am shoving other things in boxes because I want the items...just no room for them in one bedroom. I cleaned out my freezer and moved its contents to my mom's house and all my pots and pans. I can get by if I split the rest of the week between my apartment and my mom's house. Right now both living areas are a mess! But, it will give me something to do when my mom starts driving me nuts!

So, here I am days before my 34th birthday and I want nothing more than a stuffed dog. I think what gets me is I am going to be THIRTY FOUR years old and my family has NO clue what to get me. I got a $50.00 check from my grandparents and will probably get $25.00 from my mom. Like that takes a lot of thought. It drives me nuts! Oh...and I think we are celebrating on Monday with PIZZA! Ugh...HELLO!!! Anyone want to ask ME if I am okay with pizza? Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! On my actual b-day Bill and Kim are taking me out to dinner. At least it will be relaxing!

Okay, I need ton take a picture of the garage at my mom's, get an iced non-fat white mocha and head home in time for Game 6. I want Rob to see the garage when I yet again describe everything in detail.

I think I am really getting to the point where I am not blaming myself as much. There will be much rejoicing in his office on Monday. But even when In get passed that it could NOT be an innocent 12 year olds fault...there is still the feelings and the flashbacks and the still being able to feel (physically) all of it. Rob can tell because of how I start acting when the "film" starts rolling.

Someday this will all be over and I know's just holding on until it is...God give me the strength to keep the fight!

Friday, October 24, 2003

Happy Friday!

The past two months have been very put it mildly. They have been the hardest, heart wrenching, yada, yada, yada, months I have ever had in therapy. But, I have discovered a couple things:

1. Rob REALLY IS in this for the long haul
2. My life and my therapy life collide WAY too much ;)

Seriously though, dummy me asks Rob to read my blog just once and I promised we'd talk about it. I meant my entry from last Friday. He read the whole month of October! No biggie...he knows it all...but I really didn't want him to read the stuff about HIM...his ego is big enough (kidding)! :) But it is true...lately he such the human voice of truth in my life.

After a mini-crisis last weekend (okay...big mini-crisis) Mr. Voice of Truth calls me at the office (I am usually not here on a Saturday) and has me come in for a 90 minute session. One thing he said is that he is also the voice of reason in my life right now. So true.

Anyway, I know many of you have talked about giving up your careers right now and now I think it's my turn.

I have sent a few resumes here and there and sent one to a church in PHX earlier this week. They called right away and I spoke to someone on the phone yesterday. I thought of NOT mentioning it to Rob...but changed my mind and did anyway.

He told me what I didn't want to hear...but what I NEEDED to hear and I am so the long run I will be. He said that I am a gifted youth worker and have probably not tapped my full potential yet...BUT he wants me a lot healthier and eating better before I do another Indiana fiasco! My words about IN...not his.

He's right...I hate it...but he is right. So, I am going to email them and ask them to take my name out of consideration. I have a couple more resumes out there that I won't hear from for some time so I am going to let those stand.

Ugh. Part of me feels good because I know it is the right thing...but part of me wants to fight it!

OH...and #2...Rob and I know too many of the same people!
Okay, so maybe I still have work to do...but it is readable and that is the important thing! I am not sure what I did to get things in and out of the box. Weird.
Still working...ugh! I will get this right!

Thursday, October 23, 2003

I just changed to this new may take time to get stuff back in order! Stay tuned!
I love parents...just not fond of them being a) non-responsive when a problem comes up and b) does not hear what I said.

A couple weeks ago one of the 3rd graders brought some empty shells he picked up with his dad at the shooting range or something like that. he, of course, brings them to church. I ask him to please keep them in his pocket and C is totally cool with it.

Come to find out on Sunday (2-3 weeks later) that he took them out on the playground, J (a K-boy) was all caught up in it and drew pictures of it on the way home. Mom comes to talk to me and I tell her that yes I knew C had them and that he has not brought them back and I asked him not to and was sorry that J saw them. I also said C's mom knew, etc. So, J's mom goes to the SP and says I said we couldn't do anything. Ugh!

So, I called C's mom and reiterated that he not bring the shells to church and to please leave the cap gun at home on Sunday night and call me if she has questions. She takes a "boys will be boys" attitude and so not sure how much will sink in!

Another Thursday...another session with Rob and having to dig deep. Part of me wants to run like I used to way back. But, I have gone past the place that caused me to run in the first place and four years later I have not run yet. Changed therapists a bunch of time...thus being in therapy for four years...but have never stuck it out this long. Wow...I just realized it has been four years. Whoa...

I was talking with my SP on Tuesday about how hard I am working with Rob (it feels like it at any rate) and how I hate what we are doing right now...but that it needs to be done. He totally supported and agreed with me. He said the only way to do this is go through it (he has firsthand knowledge) and to let the dam break. He also reiterated that it was not my fault and there is no way it could be. I am so thankful for a supportive SP!

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

my immo
My Immortal

*What Song by Evanescence are You?*
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Now I have to get the CD!
I have had more to eat in the past few days than I have in ages. I hate it, yet at the same time it does help me to stay present and able to work with Rob...and it's what I NEED to be doing as well. Toni will be happy.

I found pix of my dad that Rob wanted to see...wish I could find more, but I have no clue where mom put the old albums. These will have to do!
Season = Spring
You're Most Like The Season Spring ...

Fresh faced, with a young outlook on life - you
smile at the world and expect it to smile back
at you. You're mostly a bubbly, fun - innocent
person. Described as cute possibly. However,
you're a little naive about things and tend to
be a little too trustworthy.
As the first season, It Makes you the youngest -
and so most immature - but people are inclined
to look out for and protect you.

Well done... You're the most fun of the seasons :)

?? Which Season Are You ??
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Yesterday was interesting given having the 90 minute session on Saturday. In some ways I feel like we are beating a dead horse going over the abuse over and over and over and we ended up on a different tangent part of the time yesterday which I so much appreciated.

Rob wanted to acknowledge what I said about my dad and we talked about that for a little bit. The memories that I have that are real (I have checked them out) even though they were when I was 2 and 3 years old and stuff like that. Rob knows that I call myself an accident because my parents had to get married. He asked me how long they knew each other before they got married. I told him, "Well, my mom was three moths pregnant when they got at least that long." He was amused.

We also talked about the aftermath...keeping the secret for three years, my friend Chris making sure he was with me if Del was at our house doing mom's taxes, the police, etc.

I know what Rob wants and I want to give it to him...but crying in front of people is not a strong suit. He gets the tears running down my cheeks thing...but not the dam breaking he's praying for. It'll come. I have been with him for 11 months now and I know what's going on in my head...which one of us is leaving? Again, I know what he has said...but there is that nagging fear that I will be abandoned.

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Rob is a gift from God. Although, next time I ask him to read my blog for us to discuss...I am going to tell him what to read. He read the whole month of October! Ugh. I mean most of it he KNOWS...but the stuff abolut him. Dang!

So, he also wants me to tell everyone he is not just the voice of truth in my life...but the voice of reason as well.

He also told me he changed his mind...he doesn't want me to leave his business cards for my mom to find! "I want to enjoy my life," he tells me. This came from a tangent when I told him on Monday I need a note from him telling my mom that just because I have had a session with him doesn't mean I am going to be all "happy and peppy" when I come home. I think she befuddles him at times! Join the club!

He also let me bring Frederick home until he is on my lap as I type. Okay, I am almost 34 years old and am emotionally attached to a stuffed toy...but I know enough that it symbolizes safety and Rob and all that psycho-babble stuff. This weekend it also serves as a safety net because he knows I'll be back.

Rob shared with me yesterday that he does get frustrated with me. FINALLY the man says it! I told him he is one in a long line of therapists that have said that to me. But, I was really glad that he told me that. I know he feared how I'd take it and what I will do with it (push harder and stuff just to make him happy)...but I's almost a "relief" to know what goes on in HIS head at times.

We had a 90 minute session...I wish they could all be that long!

Saturday, October 18, 2003

Rob is awesome. I don't know how he knew I would be here...but he called a bit ago and I am going to see him at 3:00 PM.
So, I am sitting at home last night (pre-coming here) and watching a show on VH1 about Eminem. Mykel...I gotta tell ya...I am in a QUANDRY about this man.

The show was great and didn't have a whole lot of new info (and I was SO hoping the man would win the Oscar and was stoked when he did) and I find myself so torn. I look at Phil. 4:8 and think...okay...his music so does not fit that...and I really try and hold myself to that filter in most things I watch, see, hear and read. I'm not perfect...but I do do try.

On the other hand...the man is a GENIUS! He is incredibly talented and not sure if you can find anyone who could truthfully deny that. People that don't especially like him even admit as much.

Ugh...I know it seems silly...but it's like I can't accept that I could even like him...even with the language (the gratuitous stuff...even I think some of it "should" be there for various and sundry reasons) and some of the subject matter.
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test
Here I's a's my day OFF...but as long as my main purpose in life seems to be wanting to crawl into a Coke can and dying...this is a safe bet.

I called Rob last night and left a VM about my pill stockpile. No reply. As I was in Michael's this morning getting extra supplies for Creation Station...I dawned on me I am at least "safe" until Christmas. I have a craft project I want to make for Rob and his family and haven't started on it yet.

It should scare me that every time I go through these thoughts...I add a new piece to the overall plan...but it doesn't. Method...check. Timeline...check. Location...check. But, it is my faith that keeps me from taking that last step. I pray, I think of POSITIVE things...but I feel like I am continuing to fall down this dark hole. I feel so dirty, so damaged that it's hard to be in this world I love and around the people that I love.

I am not seeing Toni on Minday because I can't bear to face her. I'd probably cancel with Rob as well...but I NEED him. I hate being needy.

So, I am going to hang here a bit...go home and read and then get ready to watch Game 1.

Friday, October 17, 2003

I am at such loose ends. I can't sleep...I can take my sleep meds...but I want them for other way I am wasting them right now for actual sleep.

Came into the office because the pull to cut more than my legs is way too strong. They are having dress rehearsal for the play and Gary is practicing the organ so it is do dang loud in here...grrrrr.....

I emailed Rob with the link to here to read this mornings post and sent it to my dietitian as well and no response. I don't think believe I am really on the fence this time. If my apartment was cleaned up (still trying to move)...I might...well...let's just say I have been trying to figure out who I want to send some stuff to...I can't handle this anymore. But, as long as my living space is in disarray I am safe. Heck, they are resurfacing our parking lot so I will be at mom's for three days anyway.

I just want out because right now it HURTS too much to live.
Ichi - "That one with wisdom"
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What would your Japanese name be? (female)
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No..I have nothing better to do than these quizzes. As long as I am breathing no complaning!
You Are Romans
You are Romans.

Which book of the Bible are you?
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Find your inner Smurf!

I am losing hope...not faith...but hope. I clung to the hope that even though I FEEL that the abuse is my fault...that maybe...just maybe I had no part in it at all. That I was truly an innocent in the whole thing. That hope has been stripped away and I am having a hard time dealing with it.

I have roughly 7,750 mg. of seroquel
I have 310 mg. of ambien
I have roughly 2500 mg. of trazadone
I have roughly 600 mg. of lexapro

Is it enough?

Enough to take away Rob's words?
Enough to take away the flashbacks?
Enough to take away the memories?

See...why I do blame myself...naive 12 year old or not (and that Quzilla quiz I still am argument there)...I wanted to believe that I bore NO responsibility at all...that there would come a day that I would believe everyone who has told me that NONE of it was my fault.

That was shattered yesterday when Rob said that I do hold a tiny bit of responsibility...that we are responsible for our actions and while Del was the adult and holds almost all the responsibility...there was my part as well.

He might as well had taken a gun out and shot me right then and there. I know he was agreeing with what I have been saying for years...but I so wanted it NOT to be true...I am finding it hard to bear the really face that I AM what I have always thought...what I have been taught I am.

I can't handle it...I can't. I want to hate Rob...but he is nothing but truthful.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

Okay, where was I? I thought about it and thought about what my therapist at Remuda told my SP when he told Betsy he was concerned that I do self-harm. She was a bit short with him and told him that it's wasn't like I was going to get stressed and cut in front of a kid! Which is true. So, I try to keep the cuts to where they won't be seen...and I am trying to stop...I have good days and bad days and daays when I can care less what coping skills I learned. SI beats "feeling" his hands, his tongue ( this day...ewwww....!) in my the panic I feel so much now that I have dredged this up from the land of semi-dead memories into my waking thoughts. I think I mentioned this before..."BUFFY" triggered me.

Anyway, I admit...right now I don't really feel the pain when I cut...that's usually the's seeing what happens after and the pain one feels when you put on a pair of jeans (no jeans today!) or anything else that may rub against the cuts.

I just want to have it all stop. The behaviors, of course, because..well...HELLO...but the thoughtsand feelings and all that. I want to believe what people say about me, I want to believe that warts and all I am that person they say I am...but I look in the mirror, I look at everything that has been part of my life and it's like, "You don't all think you see...but you DON'T." Rob, however, stands as the voive of "truth" in my life right now and that is probably a good thing.

Gos is truth, the Bible is truth...I know what it says about me and how God created me...I teach it...but it is like there this an asterick saying "not for Deneice." In my head and heart of hearts and the me who knows and loves God with all that I am knows it is a lie...because that is the part that reached OUT for God when she was 12 because she saw His healing power in a neighborhood family.

Yet remains the core beliefs ingrained in her as she watched her daddy die, as she hid the pills that her mother didn't manage to swallow, as she endured beating with belts and brushes and fists and she heard show stuoid she was, how lazy, how disrespectful, how her mother would never be happy as long as she existed...that no one would want to marry her mother as long as there was a child there...a child born of sex outside marriage...beliefs ingrained because she was heavy and therefore not acceptable and $$ was offered to lose weight....that her family put her on her first diet at 5 or 6 sending the message that she was ugly as she was...beliefs ingrained because her mother would leave her with her grandfather and he had to bundle her up at 2 AM because a cop pulled she and my grandmother over for drunk driving...was told by her own mother she was adopted (okay...said once...but still)...

In the scheme of things...I had an easy childhood. But there are things that while forgiven...has left its mark on the psyche that forgiveness and understanding has not erased.

So, at the core of it all I remember that there is a God of love who even loves me...who went to the cross for me and would do it again. There are moments that simple fact keeps me from not tossing it all away. It is in those moments of simple faith that save me that moment.

I have a plan...God has a bigger one.
I have a does He (even if I don't get it).
I have a time frame...He does, too.

I just have to remember that over and over!
Remember...only 12 more shopping days 'til my b-day:

I Want THIS!
Okay, enough of the goofy quizzes. I am doing it stay grounded. As I told Jeff...I am having trouble staying present and have lost track of days this week and that has never happened before. That along with the flashbacks have made for an interesting week. As long as I don't forget to see Rob...I'll be okay! That and I am taking seroquel with me as I have no clue what today will bring and I want to be prepared. I haven't taken it in weeks so I may not need it...but I want to prepared just in case.

I feel so bad for Steve Bartman...the police have to guard his souse, he had to have his phone disconnected and we all know his name. It is a GAME people. No one deserves what has been happening to him. And that poor ferry captain...what is our world coming to? If he did fall asleep...there will be consequences...but what he must have been feeling when he jumped off the ferry and then went home and the says the woman who now has the meds she needs to do the job herself...but I still can't fathom taking that last matter what I feel.

Last night...gosh...I can't believe I am talking about this in "public," but hey...if it helps any of you with your kids...I am in the middle of SI and the thought of moving the blade from my leg to other parts of my came and went...but it came. If I believed that God is a punishing God...I would believe that my probable inability to have kids would stem from my responsibility in "that night," but I KNOW better. But I feel so darn dirty...

Anyway...I know that He isn't and one has nothing to do with the other...but I feel damaged in so many ways...and this is a HUGE one for me.

You represent... naivete.
You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.

What feeling do you represent?
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How true! I am so pathetic! ;)