Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Day 8...scary monsters. I am on just about every type of food monitoring possible...except after meals because I am 12 days purge free! However, I am still not finishing my meals and they won't let me leave the cul-de-sac yet...grrrr....arrrghh...

I am able to do sessions with Rob by phone which is a blessing. I love that man and miss him a lot...although things end up being more chatty because of all the therapy stuff I do here.

I have to have my snacks monitored so I just finished it and it was only string cheese, but I really want to purge it...luckily, I am at Rec. Art and unless I come up with an excuse...can't leave...this is a good thing.

Anyway, we are about to make frames (oh joy) so I need to go!

Saturday, April 19, 2003

This week has flown by in some respects and at the same time is going so slow...kinda like my brain!

For the first time in weeks I woke up at 3 and couldn't get back to asleep. So, I came in at 5 this morning and except for the fact that I haven't done ANYTHING for Children's Ministry for May...I am pretty much set from this end. I have a Kids Day Out event from 10-2 and then from 3-5ish...we will be setting up tables for the Easter Breakfast as it is also one of our fundraisers for the Mission Trip.

Things are chugging along at home as well. My apartment is almost completely clean and my suitcase just needs to be packed. I also need to get a phone card and batteries (if I can find my Discman). WHEN???? I think I am going to have to do it Monday. I can sleep on the plane Tuesday morning. it even possible? Two weeks to the day after Steve first approached me with his concerns. Almost seems like months ago...but things have gone so much faster than last time! I don't feel near as ready as I did three years ago. But, the circumstances were different then as well. It was about 6 weeks from the time of my Prozac OD 'til Ieft for Remuda and the fact it never entered my mind NOT to take more than one coupled with Marc's leaving it just seemed like the thing I needed to do because at that point I knew it was going to be go or end up dead soon...either from the ED or suicide.

This time? Part of it is job preservation...I admit that and even at that if I get extended I may lose my job as they will only hold it for 40 days...although under the Family Medical Leave Act I am allowed up to 90...but I am trying not consider that a possibility at all. But, I also know that at least from the standpoint of meeting nutritional needs...I need to be there and stabilize by eating (or lack thereof) so I can do what I need to do in therapy...I think I buy that. Toni says it all the time and Marc used to say it too...constantly. I also know it would take FOREVER doing everything OP...and good labs or no good labs (latest set were good...only one really close to the bottom range...sodium...not a good thing)...the energy isn't there as much as I'd like. I can drum it up pretty well when I really need it (i.e. Capture the Flag in the the DARK)...but it's getting harder to do and well i think we all know mentally I'm REALLY sinking fast.

I am not even thinking about the other component of this whole thing though. I must be driving Rob batty with nothing about food, weight, etc. when we talk about Remuda. Part of it may be because I had a lousy therapist when I was there the last time so I don't have a clue what it will be like this time. That and I am only going to see this person 4 times 5 at most in 30 days. It's a very strange place to be in...wanting it /not wanting it...wanting to be compliant as always/sick of being compliant as always...etc., etc., etc.

Maybe I will have an awful therapist again and that will make me appreciate Rob even more! :) I know what you're going to say..."Make up your mind...first Marc was the best and then Greg and now Rob...bored now." But it's true...honest. I have never laughed so much in therapy...ever. But that isn't all of it...and more than Ferderick as well. That is going to be hard to give up...I brought him home on Thursday and I love him and am soooooooo thankful Rob seid I could take him with me! So, I am 33 and have to take a big adorable stuffed with me to AZ. Sue me! I am sure Bambi will also find it's way into my suitcase as well...Bambo needs to show up soon...the "guerilla warfare" Greg and I were working on has got to be still in my head someplace.

Oh yeah...Rob. Some days the name is hard to deal with. Robbie hasn't emailed me back since the one I got just before "The Glories" started which hurts...but I think I was too honest too soon. I point blank asked him why he quit talking to me. I just end up thinking about Robbie some days...whether I want to or not...but no more or less than a lot of my So Cal friendsAs supportive and encouraging as everyone mind continually goes back to the day he told me that he thinks of this whole ED thing as a baseball long as I kept playing...he'd be in the stands cheering me on. I miss that voice in the stands.

Speaking of sports (and therefore Rob)...that's another thing. Greg would let me mindless chatter for a bit and then cut me off (he was wise to the diversion tactic...) We talk sports...okay probably because I am now and avid reader of Sports Illustrated...but I am so torn between our teams and my So Cal teams...sorry the Angels aren't doing well...stoked that SF is...Go Ducks, etc. Besides, the sports thing goes over well with the few guys that are really into sports.

Truthfully, I can't totally put my finger on "the thing" that I appreciate the most and will miss. But the hugs..yeah...since those 2 each week are about the only ones I get...going to miss them a lot. Maybe if I had more sleep thiswould make more sense.

Anyway, I need to figure out what else needs to be done...

Saturday, April 12, 2003

Wow...I've gone a whole three days...things have been a little on the busy side, though.

I have my phone assessment with Val on Monday and hope to be on a plane a week later because I caanot possibly be ready to leave Tuesday or Wednesday...not to mention the money transfer and stuff for my grandparent's won't happen until Wednesday. Plus, I don't want to miss my first Easter here...I join the church next week. Kinda weird they are doing it Easter Sunday, but neat too. Of course, I need to figure out how to hide eggs, be at the Pancake Breakfast (fundraiser for our mission trip), meet with Session (all new members do this) and get the video set-up as we have the kids in a "holding room" until it is their turn to hunt eggs. Not to mention I need to go buy the eggs, fill the eggs and get Easter grass for the basket centerpieces.

Also, I need to pick up Fred...and I want my last week of appointments with Toni and Rob. But, I will be lost without Fred!

I think reality is setting in...that and the lamest thoughts such as, "My purging is so much better and I haven't cut in a few weeks...I can live with restricting." Maybe I could...don't think anyone else wants to or wants me to. But, I think some of that is nerves and the reality of the situation:

1. Going to LIFE last time I was behavior free, eating meals, etc. This time I am not.

2. I was only on meal support 2-3 days last time. I can see me being on meal support FOREVER this time beacause to jump from 500 to what is it...1600? 1800? a day seems impossible right now and scares me to death!

3. My kids...I am going to miss them soooo much. I have an awesome group of high school, jr. high and elementary kids and I enjoy being with them a lot, but I am sure I will enjoy them much more when I come back.

Anyway, I have a made of list of stuff to do each day and I did almost all of it for yesterday, but I feel asleep before I could finish and that was before 9:30! Must be from going off the diet pills. Today is Day 3 and I am hating life (not literally...well know). I want them yet I know the dangers and I won't buy them point...and since they are all gone, I won't have to worry about finding them in a cabinet or anything.

Forty-five minutes until the New Members Class and then when that is over I need to prep for a high school event. Never a dull moment!

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

I don’t think I have had less of a productive day than today. So much is swimming in my brain. Most of it is how my family is going to come with the $13,000+ it will cost to send me back to AZ. If my grandparent’s didn’t have to make this move this week…it’s be a done deal.

I never wanted this. I really thought that once I found a therapist I liked and hooked up with a dietitian things would fall into place. But, I also know myself well enough to know that it was too late. I want to be able to do “life” and all I need to do in therapy at the same time…but I have not found that balance yet. I’ve done it before…thing is…some people didn’t like it because I wasn’t always “up.” If I had a hard day…people knew and they didn’t want to know. But, I really don’t think that would happen here. Joe, the dad of one of my kids and one of my adult leaders, can tell when I am trying to be but I’m not. No one else has picked up on it much…but he said something to me about a month ago. That family is way too observant! But, they are also some of my most favorite people in the whole wide world! J

The question still rattles in my brain on the “why” I want to do this. Job preservation is not the only reason…but it’s a good one! Seriously, though, I know if a part of me doesn’t want to do this for ME then it will be a waste of money and time. I know 30 days won’t fix anything…but if it can give me a kick-start and at the very least get me nutritionally stable then that will help when I come back to Rob.

That’s the other thing…I don’t want to leave him…so I miss like 8 appointments…big whoop…but that’s EIGHT appointments. And almost no contact because I can’t leave the cul-de-sac the first week and then I have to get taken to the library to get on the Internet. Okay, I am paranoid…sue me… Even for all the right reasons I would be doing this…to make a quick switch for 4 weeks seems a little like a pain. That is probably because my therapist at LIFE was bad…really bad. Some of the other girls & I would stand around asking each other for a topic for our therapy sessions because we had nothing we WANTED to say to her! She didn’t last much longer after I left. I have never given anyone such a bad evaluation before. Given the two pre-Rob bozos I have seen I would give them big huge ZEROS…but Kelvyanne was the first.

If I am on meal support my whole stay I won’t complain. The rate I eat now…eating a whole meal I have little to no control (there’s that word again) over is very daunting. It’s not like I’d be going in eating fairly normal amounts like I was straight from Rio…I am pretty much doing a little better in that department than I was when I went to Rio…at least the last week and a half.

Twenty five hours until my next appointment with Rob…not that I am counting because God knows 1/2 of what is going through my head won’t get said because it takes me forever just to do the 1/2 I CAN/WILL talk about.

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Wow! Haven't posted in a few days...but that's okay because most everyone who reads this has received email updates on what's going on right now anyway!

So, I have talked to Val, talked to Rob and talked to Toni. I will probably do the financial stuff with Michelle later this week. I am waiting for Val to call back to set that up. Her response to all this was, "Let's get you here ASAP." Okay...she always says that...but I know she meant it. Toni is totally supportive about it and thinks it might help and Rob wants to talk more on Thursday. He isn't opposed to it at all...he said there is a lot of wisdom in doing we shall see.

I am questioning if I am doing this for job preservation or because it is what I need to do. Honestly, it IS a mix of the two...but I think if I truly thought about it hard and let myself really take an good look at what is going on...I know this is what I need to try and do. If God closes this door than maybe I simply cut back my hours so I am not so busy I don't do the work outside of Rob's office that I should be doing. The whole thing is very scary right now and as long as Steve doesn't think I will come back "all better," I can deal.

Timing wise there could not be a better time actually. Everything is running fairly smoothly right now so if I could go right after Easter it'd all be good! Okay, should it happen sooner that would be better I am sure...but I would rather wait until all I need to get done for Easter is over! There is a lot going on here the next two weeks.

Steve told me he could find no fault in my work which was awesome to hear, but how long can I truly keep up my pace? I'd rather not find out.

Yesterday's session was interesting. Rob was as clear as mud about exactly what he and Steve talked about and today Steve wasn't much better. I decided to go with the control issue thing since he brought it up again and quite frankly now that he and Steve can talk (and dummy me gave permission for Rob to tell Steve anything and everything) do I want to even talk about some of that other stuff? This however, is a fear of Steve's...that I will hide more and make everything look "good" in fear. The thought has crossed my mind and I told him that. Anyway, all the stuff I said about control here the last few days I did tell took about 15 minutes of starting and stopping and him continually encouraging me...but I did it.

I know he is still frustrated with my lack of emotional depth in session...but I am working on it and am getting better. He loaned me a couple books and I am reading one of them now. It's pretty good and makes a ton of sense...even if it was published the year I was born! :) Very practical and understandable, etc.

Sometimes I think one of the things I struggle with in sessions with him is that my feelings toward him are not simply neutral. I mean with Marc & Greg I was never really mad or upset with them (at least while we were in the same room) and didn't even get mad at Marc for almost 6 months after he left for leaving. With Rob it's different because, even if I haven't said it to HIM at the time, I have been mad at him while he is in the room. He makes me laugh easily which I the whole dymamic is different and "weird" to me still. I wouldn't give it up for anything though...I guess he's kinda the first one who continually reminds me that he is human and very human and as he said yeaterday, "King of the Stupid Club." Not true...funny to hear it..but not true. Plus, we can talk sports, music, etc.

Today I put butter on my muffin. Hey...I was eating them plain. They are really good that way...but I decided to go for broke! And, I LIVED! How pathetic is that...I used butter...I NEVER used to be afraid of it RR I used to tell people it was the better choice (over margerine...still feel that way) for them because it is natural. Okay, I am afraid of Ensure Light, too and never have been.

I was going to go to John's VB game today...but I am exhausted and think I will skip it tonight...maybe...I have 2 1/2 hours 'til it starts...with traffic I'd have to leave in about 90's an away game...blech! But, his season is almost over and that will bee a I'd like to be there. If I go to RLP thaan I will miss Charlie's track meets...but I know there will be others.

Saturday, April 05, 2003

Went to The Core today...loved it as usual...weird not to know a lot of people there though. Not used to it.

I looked in the mirror today at the was weird...I looked NORMAL...I mean as normal as I can be at any rate. I never think I look like I have lost as much weight as the scale proves I've matter what my scale says, no matter what the tags in my clothes say, etc. It had got to be the mirror...I say that because I never look the same in each mirror I see. Toni is picking up on some body image stuff from the writing I gave her during our appointment yesterday and we are going to go through Lisa's (my former dietitian) body image book together.

I am down to my last 4 diet pills with the goal of not replacing them. I am very apprehensive about it, but I know it is the right thing. I feel very fortunate to have not have had any adverse side effects from years of taking them when I read SI in the waiting room and hear of yet another athlete (high school this time) who has died of a heart attack from taking them and just like me, not abusing them...simply taking as directed.

Sigh...I am pretty tired from good as it was. But, I have Tori's play tonight and I wouldn't miss that at all. I am looking forward to seeing it. But, my energy level still isn't great and even though I am eating consistently...I feel a little better...but can tell when I push too much and even just the seminar did it. But, I was very much in my element. I wish the whole team could have come...but life happens and that's exactly what happened to everyone.

I IM'd with a RR alumna who is from here as well...only she's a lot younger than I am. An EDA group started here in January and she has been once, but there was only one other person there so she couldn't give me a good overview of it. I am thinking about going this week...we'll see. I hate groups, but maybe it couldn't hurt. I went once to an ANAD group in So Cal and I LOVED it, but it started not long after my appt. with Greg and so to go right from Greg's to Laguna Nigel or wherever it was just hard for me so I never went least I would five hours between Rob & this group. I wish there was an ANAD group around though. I have nothing AGAINST the 12 steps...but I liked the ANAD group I went to.

Part of me wants to look like I am doing everything right and restrict more anyway...still take the dp's, etc. I have this lame 'ol goal weight in mind...well two of them. An "acceptable" one I can live with and the one I would literally end up dying for...but I want to be there just once.

I realize what Toni says about a lot of what goes through my head is very much body image related is true. But, I also tld her it is very much tied in with I don't "need" food and I most certaainly don't "deserve" food. Or, as I put it in an email to Rob:

I don’t need it
I waste it when I do have it
Food is the enemy
Everything about me is just wrong
I am a toxic person
I’m a lousy daughter
No one thinks I am going to beat this thing

Okay...the last one is more my mother doesn't think I will beat this...ever.

It scares me because I have been down this road before. I get all rah-rah recovery and it lasts a few weeks and then BOOM...I fall apart all over again. I know it doesn't have to be this way this time...but it is still on my long will this last? How long will my vision be cleared enough to see that I am maaking solid baby steps? How long will I look in the mirror and see a beached whale? How long will I think because Rob doesn't say he thinks I need to eat I will automatically think he thinks I know. The thing many times did Marc practically beg me to eat? Did I listen to that? No. My thought only want me to eat so I won't drop dead on you. Actually, that was his thinking...that and there was no way I could do the work in therapy without eating. No one since him (except at Remuda) has ever said that (Toni I mean therapist) so I get it in my head that Marc thought that and he was wrong...the mistake of an intern. Besides, there is a LOT about Marc that was different than anyone else and I admit that I still miss some of that...but I also don't really need it now like I did then. But, the calls were nice...the out of the blue ones.

Okay, time to get gas and head to Tori's play.

Friday, April 04, 2003

I LOVE DSL!!! We finally got it at church! Anyway...

Saw Toni today...went pretty well...I vented about yesterday because I guess if it seems I jump around...I know what I am doing...but when it happens when he does's a control issue thing again. I kind of makes sense.

So, saw my bloodwork and it looks great...which a good new/bad news thing. The one thing that does concern me is my protein level was a little high. could mean that my body is actually burning muscle and not fat now. Then I look in the mirror and cannot fathom how that can't should see my thighs and I am serious...they are awful and look worse from losing weight...I hope I can get them into some sort of decent shape one of these days. I need to start going to a gymj to build muscle and make a real effort to up the protein. Not that I am eating a lot of carbs...bad ones anyway...mainly fruit and bran muffins and veggies...very little protein and almost no animal protein.

So, fear is a great motivator and keeping my job is a great reason to kick myself into gear...but Toni is right when she said there HAS to be a small part of me that wants this for ME as well...otherwise I wouldn't have made the steps I have made this week...small they may be.

I got an email today from someone at Cokesbury about doing some writing. I was one of about a half dozen asked to do so. The guy said he likes my perspective on youth ministry. Wow! I was also asked to be a moderator for the new YS Bulletin Boards double wow. Maybe the fact I have admitted lately in email and maybe here that I am a darn good youth worker was a good thing...opened a door real quick. Writing is a talent God gave me ages ago and I know I have always wanted the opportunity to use it...but I am still shocked! It's for a bi-weekly email edition of a newsletter and pays $50 an article. The money is cool...but not as cool as being asked...I'd do it for free!

Anyway, I am finishing out the bottle of DPs and that's more. Very scared...but I know I need to do it. I have been very fortunate so far that the Ephedra has done nothin to me and I think I may be at a point where it could very soon. One step at a time...

As I looked at what was accomplished this week it is pretty amazing. Not that is anywhere near normal of where I need to be and not like it was anything HUGE...but eating consistently even when I don't want it is pretty nifty! Heck, even though I "gained" (restored fluid) weight this week...I ended up losing three pounds without intending to. Meaning...purging, not eating period after I "gained," etc.

I am scared to death of all of this...but I can't be scared forever of everything...right?

Thursday, April 03, 2003

Let me try this again and be a little more clear...ha!

Okay...yes...I already am fat and I guess the one "payoff" of this stupid ED is being less so. Again...never the "why," but it's funny what happens as the scale goes down, the clothes fit different...people treat you different, etc. But, it's like I "discpline" myself not to need food, not to want it, not to "desire" it because it makes my life "streamlined" and carries over in all areas...I'm bad therefore...I DESERVE to be disciplined...besides it is a GOOD thing. I get work done...I am this administrative "genius." I do my job well...

What is out of control now? This is where I get all confused and not sure what the hell is going on for me. Not a whole lot. Granted, maybe it's because there is a lot going on around me and I feel a loss of control, maybe because I am fighting myself tooth and nail on the food issue itself. Meaning, I stabilize and that means I am an undisciplined BLOB of FAT...even at a pound or two a week loss it means I am "successful." I know enough to know how absolutely nuts it sounds. Maybe "disappearing" means the ultimate control for me...that the more I feel bones and notice that I can feel them in spots easier then I feel like I am in control of my emotions, my actions...not the stuff around ME...simply ME. Even today, as things got hard to hear and to try and comprehend, I ended up laying on the couch to feel my ribcage...can't see it yet...but it's there and I can knock on it...just like my collarbone...why would I want to lose that? Okay...choice of losing that vs. "everything," I lose "that," but it's not going to be easy and sure as heck isn't going to happen overnight!

I want to disappear...control & disappearing...the two things that I "get" from the ED. That and wrist bones, collarbones, etc. I have this cool bracelet a friend sent me just over a year ago and it used to fit around my wrist...not anymore. My watch either.

I was reading the 2nd chapter of PDL which was aptly named, "You are NOT an Accident." I struggle with that a lot. What Rick Warren said in his book made sense and was very encouraging...but I wonder if there will ever be a day I won't feel like I am one and need to be taken off this earth to set things right.

These are snippets from earlier blogs and kind of say it all. My form of control "appears" to make me a better youthworker because...I dunno..I lost the thought...I guess I treat my time as I treat me eating...that doesn't make sense either. I guess I mean that controlling my food also helps me control my time, stay organized, get things done because if I am disciplined does that mean if I eat I lose that? No...but not controlling and knowing just about everything that goes in my mouth and/or what is done with it...HELP...I don't get it myself.

I just try to think HOW I got to where I was post-Remuda and try to remember WHAT I was like before I left CA. That person was on her way to having healthy control...but I don't know what I did to get there and don't know HOW to get back.

Loss of control = FAT...for ME. I am NOT making some gross generalization...but to give up control or channel it to have healthy control means the bones go away...God I wanted to tell him that...but there was no was very obvious that there was SOMETHING on my mind before I left...but without time to get into it...why bother? Next week it'll be gone and last Monday will be gone and he oviously doesn't care about that OTHER stuff because he didn't even mention it today. It was such the "big deal" that I say to him what I couldn't on Monday and he didn't ask...Just like Monday he won't ask about today.

So, today was all about control and I admit it...he gave me an opening one I said it was ONE of the primary issues. He asked me what the others were and I went silent...if HE doesn't know by now...I know..not HIS job...but grrrrr.....Bones...I don't want to lose the bones which is basically wanting to disappear...same visual.

Sometimes I wish I knew what he thinks about me. One minute I am convinced he cares and the next am convnced he wouldn't care if I dropped dead tomorrow. I have no clue what he is going to tell Steve. If I lose my job...he doesn't get it. Will it be a wake-up call? Yeah....BUT that also means no insurance, no more of my own place and no more seeing him, Toni, my MD. One thing that keeps me going that makes me want to try is this job...yes I am moving slowly...but I want to do this because for all I don't know about me I do that I am an awesome youth worker when allow myself to enjoy it...which isn't often...but I do know it's true. Enough people have told me that I know it's true and without it...I have nothing. So, maybe what he tells Steve is going to mean I lose everything...I don't think he got that. I'd have to be back home with my mother with NO outlet.

I'm just really confused because it was like he was mad at me or something. I SCREWED UP...I admit it...I didn't think a lousy piece of pizza would do that to we all know...I am not READY for it right now. Fine, there is plenty of stuff to challenge myself on.

I don't get it...I really don't.

I've been doing pretty well food wise. I feel worse eating than I did without eating...just no major dizy spells. I think I am coming close to the 500 calories a day...I'm trying at any rate.

I just don't know what's going to happen...

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

Fear is a great motivator. I'm now very motivated!

Seriously, fear is what got me into therapy in the first place, fear is what caused me to call Remuda after my OD almost three years ago, etc. And, I think fear is what is going to get me on track. I am not sure how much this job is on the line after Sunday's "episode," but the ice is thinning a bit. Fourteen years and I have NEVER had a day that bad...ever...and I have had some pretty bad days. Okay, spraining both wrists might be worse...but that was one dizzy spell and it was over.

So, I ate last night...and now I gained three pounds. Okay, let's do the math. This means I ate 10,500 calories more than I used. at Fresh Choice at any rate...I suppose about 8 bowls of clam chowder might do it...but I didn't even use a full serving of dressing on my salad. So, I do know this is not a complete truth...and I have to keep telling myself that if I want to do this.

The awful thing is...I AM a bit torn. I do not want to lose the job that I love, where I can be for a very long time and where this "problem" or not...Steve thinks I am doing a fantastic job! But, augh...the fight I have ahead of me...okay...I admit it...right now I can't see my way through it because I have no energy to deal with it.

I came home from John's VB game (it was earlier than usual and he didn't I saw the last three minutes or so...however, Jesse isn't playing baseball this week so I can go to Thursday's game) and fell asleep around 7...I woke up a couple time...but just let myself sleep. I woke up really weak this morning and that was after eating well yesterday and sleeping well. One meal isn't going to make up for almost 4 days...but I had string cheese this morning! I know...but I have to start someplace!

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

Dropped another two pounds which I have mixed feelings about. I know some of it is due to lack of hydration and I am downing Gatorade as I type. But, I know how long my body can go without food and I have done it before. It's almost like now that I have FINALLY been able to "discipline" myself on the food front that I don't know IF I can turn back...I mean if I am going to freak out over maybe a 1/2-1 oz of roast beef...

Is life going to get better in 12 pounds? No. Is it going to get better in 17? No. Is it going to get better in 21? Nope. Yet I continue to strive for some elusive number that will make it okay to take up space, make it okay to breath the air...make it okay to be alive. But, I also know that in that quest for that elusive number on the scale...I could cease to do all that...and again the mixed feelings.