Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Latest & Greatest

It’s been forever since I blogged. Not that there hasn’t been a lot going on…I guess I just don’t have words for all of it.

I still can’t explain how I just “snapped out” of the mood I was on after Amy’s suicide. It still seems very strange. I’m not complaining…but it is a little weird. It almost scares me. No…it actually does scare me. It seems so fragile…that is I do on thing “wrong” it is going to send me spiraling back down.

Thanksgiving went off really well. It was pretty much drama free and the Good Eats Roast Turkey again turned out great. My grandfather’s sister was back here from Hawaii and that was neat. I know my grandmother felt a little left out part of the day because my grandpa and his sister were talking about stuff she had no idea about but after years and years and YEARS of fights…I’ll take her being only a little annoyed.

I want to hold on to the “snapped out of it” because this is the first Christmas since 2000 I am kind of enjoying. Not that I have ever lost sight of what Christmas really means and the joy of that meaning has been under the surface each year, but I have really had a hard time with the “fun” aspects of the holiday. The stuff that makes kids smile and all that mushy, sentimental gook that we love so much. I have had a good time Christmas shopping and planning my baking between HP events.

We are about two weeks short of the 3rd anniversary of my mom’s last suicide attempt. I thought about that today. I try not to because I feel like any tip of the scales is going to send me crashing again, but there it is. I can’t say that she’s better off than she was three years ago and that is not a happy thought. I still worry (a lot) at times that she is just going to give up. That is a huge problem.

If you asked me what the biggest stride I have made with Rob lately it would be that I can finally say out loud that I am perplexed that my mother can make it through the day. I feel bad about saying it, but it really is the truth. I am not sure how much of it is manipulation because she lived without me for 16 years when I lived in SoCal and Indiana, but I think I’m on to something. It’s soooo hard because she is 60 years old, trying to find a job with almost no skills. She has really fallen into most of her jobs and I am guessing, since she couldn’t even get on at Target, that she doesn’t interview well. She can’t use a computer, can’t work a cash register, etc. Oh…the fact that she can’t tell the difference between potato salad with onions and without onions (all you had to do was open the covered bowl and SMELL the difference) makes me question her intelligence.

I still haven’t quite dug myself out 100% of the hole I got in with food last month. It’s better and my appetite is slowly coming back (and I was sick for a good 2 weeks as well) and I am even listening at times, but it’s really hard. Toni and I are going to talk about menu planning on Friday. As much as I LOVE her little boy, I am glad he won’t be coming. We’ll get so much more done! One thing I am really realizing is I need structure. Working at The HPP helps with that structure since I know I need to eat before I go and stay hydrated. I ended up in First Aid again last week. They moved me into a new position (a lower aisle…woo hoo!!!) and the anxiety/excitement of it all caused me to almost throw up…again. I would have been fine, but an EMT saw me as he was making his rounds around the building.

I look at my RLP meal card and it still seems like so much food. I think the one meal a day I do eat is a lot of food so to almost triple it…ack! But, this is the last thing behavior wise I need to tackle. I haven’t purged in 26 months or cut in 25. Heck, it’s been almost two weeks since I have felt like doing either and that is a new feeling. There is still a ton of work to do on the emotional side. But if I can get myself to eat a little more each week, it will go a long way in helping me do the work I need to do…no matter how much that scares the daylights out of me.

Friday, November 17, 2006

My mom called a little while ago. Turns out she caught my cold. I'm not surprised. She wasn't feeling well last night and figured she's wake up sick this morning. Then she tells me she doesn't know here she got it. Ummm...I tried not to be around her...but a sneeze in the car could have done it! I know there are so many people sick around here that it might not have been me...but I am sure I am the guilty one.

I get one more day/night of rest before I work at the other job tomorrow. I am really thankful. I actually feel a little worse than I did earlier in the week. I'm still sneezy and stuffy and am blowing gross stuff out of my nose. I probably should have taken more than one sick day!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

One Week Later...

...and I am still not feeling 100%. I think I stopped taking the Zicam too early. The box does say continue for the next 48 hours after symptoms subside and I ran out before the 48 hours were up...or even got here.

I am seeing a pattern. I had a bad cold last year but over Thanksgiving. At least I am consistent! Ugh...

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Don't Know If I Am Coming or Going...

...but I get the distinct impression I could be standing here with a gun to my head and calling Rob and telling him and it still wouldn't sink in.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Just my ramblings from the past few days…

I need to snap out of this. I need to focus; I need to concentrate on “my” kids. I need to get ready for Biblemaniacs, Turkey Day, Advent and doing more Children’s Messages while my SP is gone. I need to focus on the Youth Group newsletter and the team of kids that will be putting it together. I have Jr. High girls that actually LIKE me and I need to focus on them and help them get ready to teach on the 12th. I need to be ready to back up Tom on the 19th. I have hockey games and concerts to work…guests to help whenever needed. I need to simply keep in mind that life goes on.

It is times like this I miss Marc. I miss it being more than OK to just sit on the couch for an hour and not say a word. Not that I ever did that…but the option was there. Right now I am fighting the urge to pick a fight with Rob to give me an excuse to walk away. Walking away would make some stuff null and void. I see this as a good thing. I did email him that little piece of info. Not that I heard anything back. I don’t know why I bother. If I could hop on a flight to Holland, MI and he’d see me…I’d be there. But that’s not going to happen so I need to just keep my mouth shut when I want to find some lame-o excuse to pounce on something Rob has said and twist it for my own use. I have a small arsenal stuff I can use now…but I still have enough sanity to not use it.

Seriously though, it has been a week. I found out a week ago today. I have had seven days to let it sink in, wallow a bit and now I need to push it aside.

My biggest problem is the food issue. That took off like a rocket and I am having trouble stopping it. I have no appetite, I feel sick eating more than a couple graham crackers with some non-fat milk or some popcorn. I am throwing food out and putting dishes in the drain board so it looks as if I have eaten. I told Toni I would try and eat and I am not sure if I lied or not. I have only dropped about 4 pounds this last week and that is no big deal in the scheme of what a cow I am, so I am not worried about it. I think I am probably eating a comfy 300-500 calories a day. I am pretty much golden until Thanksgiving.

I still haven’t self-harmed. Obviously I haven’t purged. Rob says neither of them are good coping mechanisms. They seem to be all I have and yet I refrain.

Rob says I can’t truly be numb…there is no such thing. So, that leaves me with nothing to say to him. He told me today that if I am still I this realm (Amy’s death) we can pick up there Thursday. Ummm…OK. I truly believe I could be holding a gun at my head and let him know and he still wouldn’t be taking me seriously. I know a lot of it is my fault. I don’t know what I need/want from him and he can’t read my mind. He tells me it makes sense that I am still like this. He agrees that as much as I want to snap out of it, it is not going to happen that way. However, could use some help in knowing how to even work through this.

I almost purged last night. In fact, I had my fingers down my throat. I couldn’t. After 25 months of no purging…I couldn’t do it. I am guessing had I not had to worry about bring found out I could have. But, my mom was still awake and so it didn’t happen. I then debated cutting. I have a welt on my arm, but I didn’t do anything.

I honestly don’t know what I am feeling anymore. If I had to actually use a word it would be dead. Except for the occasion of a sudden burst of sadness…I feel absolutely dead inside. That should scare me, but it doesn’t. If Rob is unconcerned than there is no reason for me to be concerned.

My dietitian asked me if I felt any guilt. I don’t. In hindsight, having Jars of Clay’s “Work” on her MySpace makes sense given what has happened. But, before Amy’s suicide it meant nothing when I saw it here. In fact, it may be on MY MySpace.

The Spanish speaking part of our congregation sells tamales each year. This year I actually could spend the $$ for a dozen of them and not sweat it out. This is sad because they were only $20. Anyway, I got them yesterday and they were finally something I WANTED. My mom made me take ½ of them to my grandparents. I know it’s not a huge deal…but I don’t want to eat and the fact that I was willingly eating them should have been a clue. Then again, this is my mom and I could weight 80 pounds and she’d still not get it.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Have I Hit Numb?

I am trying not to berate myself for being/feeling anything about Amy's suicide. But it is hard. I keep telling myself that today is the day I snap out of it...that I stop feeling whatever it is that I am feeling and DO something.

Work is getting done...but barely. It's not like she is the first person I have known that has died. She may be the first person that I know who has committed suicide, but I have known others who have tried (and failed) and that includes my mom's three attempts.

I keep thinking I have to be over reacting. I keep thinking that my relationship with Amy really does not give me permission to want to just lay in my bed or on the couch and do nothing. I can hear Rob's voice telling me that I am trying to minimize my feelings. He's probably right, but I think it keeps me from hitting the bottom of the pit I have been in long before I got the news about Amy.

Yesterday I broke down and bought a 12 pack of Boost. They will probably rot in the fridge in my office...but I thought I should at least make an effort. Yesterday I had a Pepsi at work and then came home and had two graham crackers and a glass of non-fat milk. I meet Toni for lunch today and I think we are going to have a showdown for the first time. I don't want food. I have no desire to eat at all. Give me coffee and I'm good.

I sat in Rob's office yesterday and couldn't say much. He asked me where I was stuck with all this? If he doesn't know then what is the point? I have been tempted to cancel next week so I could simply give in to everything and not have to deal with it for a week. It will just make it worse.

I think I am beyond tears at this point. I haven't allowed myself to cry and I can almost feel a physical wall in my being where all of the pain and sadness is pent up. Rob and I talked about how cutting will not help me cope with this in the big picture. There are moments that I simply do not care. I care enough that I have refrained...but my resolve is fading.

Working last night was good. Tonight and tomorrow will good as well.

My mom is so easy to fool. Isn't is sad I feel I have to do that? She asked me what I had to eat at work last night and I told her a burrito. I bought my Pepsi where they SELL the burritosI smelled the food...but who can eat a whole burrito in less than 15 minutes hen they are piping hot?

I figure I have a ton of weight to lose before I even hit the top of my I have nothing to worry about for a long time!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

I am trying to determine if I would feel like this had Amy died directly as a result from the ED. You know heart attack, body just shutting down, etc. I am thinking yes. I knew her. I have a CD she made me the last time I was at LIFE. I have cards and letters with her writing on it. I thought I had more pix of us. I know I have some from our RR Reunion in 2001...but I can't find them. I thought I had more from 2000...but I can't find those either.

I think I had a good two hours of functionality yesterday before I simply lost interest. Then I had a dinner to go to last night and even though I hadn't had anything to eat all day...I gained a ^$$##^$ 1/2 pound! I am not amused.

Crying is an issue. I won't allow myself much more than 30 seconds or so every few hours when I can no longer hold them back.

I haven't purged and I haven't cut since all this happened. Most of it is fear of Rob...but if that works then I am fine with that fear. I haven't thrown up at all, but it is hard to keep food down period. I was driving home after dinner last night and thought I was going to have to pull over.

I really don't even ask why because I get it. Getting it is probably not a good thing...but I do get it.

Thanksgiving is in three weeks and I don't want to cook...let alone eat any of it.

I am so thankful for my 2nd job. It helps a lot. It will be very distracting. I can pour all my energy into our guests and that's what they ask us to do...leave everything else at the door when we walk in.

I still plan on posting pix of Trunk & Treat. I was having problems uploading yesterday. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

I need to go pick up actual prints so I can do the bulletin board at church tomorrow (or today) and I think I need to break down and buy either Ensure or Boost. The calories scare me (how can so many calories be in such a little can/bottle?), but liquid is easier than solids. This is one time I am glad that I have PCOS. If I could lose weight like a normal person...I'd probably be in trouble.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


I am the first to admit I am not dealing well at all. It is surprising and yet not. Rob says it is very similiar to veteran's of wars. They may not be in constant contact, but they fought side by side with one another and when one of them is gone it does leave a hole. I emailed someone else I was at RR with to see how she was doing...she and Amy had been pretty close at the ranch. She is in just as much shock as I am about the whole thing.

There will be moments when I am okay...that I can do what I need to do, but then all of a sudden a wave of sadness comes over me. I haven't been doing a great job of expressing that sadness. If it happens when I need to be "functional," I can force myself to stop tearing up. Other times I try not to start crying because I am afraid I am not going to stop.

Monday I was working the "Boo Bomb" concert and it was a great distraction for hours! I had a couple scary moments that literally left me shaking...but I survived! I was kicked. It was truly an accident. I don't think the guy even realized he kicked me. I have a nice bruise now. I was also kinda surrounded at one point by a bunch of guys who decided that their form of "dance" was best done while touching me. That just sent me into shock more than anything. I was able to push them away and get them back in their seats...but I was literally shaking for a good 15 minutes afterward. Considering the music isn't anything I usually listen to...most of it was okay. The language didn't even get bad until Ludacris and E-40. Or at least I didn't notice it until then.

Last night was Trunk & Treat...pix to follow later. It was hard to get through. I didn't want to be there and it took me a long time to get into it. I did and it was fun and it was great because I sent post cards out to our VBS kids and a couple showed up. That was pretty cool. They are revved up for VBS 2007! That was good to hear.

Rob said something on Monday about this bringing up stuff about my mom's attempts. It really doesn't. He is missing the boat on this one. I am fine...I am safe...this isn't sending me over the deep end. That being actually brings up more of my own ideation and that maybe Amy has it right. I do know that is wrong...100%. But it does go through my head that if someone who had so much going for her can check out...why do I keep going?