Friday, July 30, 2004

The Regular Jo(e)
Category III - The Regular

You are the quintessential standard conjured by the
word 'Friend'.

What Type of Social Entity are You?
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A week ago we had "sleep in day." It was a chance to recharge and relax. It was the opportunity to go to the Spirituality Center and NOT rush through all they had to offer. It was a chance to go downtown and but Purdue clothing items, escape the dining halls and the PMU and a chance to cultivate friendships.

I had a hard time sleeping in. I got up, went to breakfast a little later than usual and went to the Spirituality Center. It was really corwded and some people didn't realize that you need to let others pass on the Labryinth and I was more frustrated than anything.

So, I left and went shopping. I ran into "E" on my way to Purdue West and he tld me he slept until likr 10:00 AM! Awesome! I took the Trolley to Chauncey Hill Mall and had lunch at The Parthenon...a little Greek place that I missed and was looking forward to revisiting. Yeah...a meal I was actually looking forward to! Go figure!

I then took the Trolley to downtown Lafayette (not that you have a choice) and ran into "D" and her friends. Some were from her Prsebytery and some were not...and she looks really happy! Something I had been worrying about all week. But, as I got to know her and reading her livejournal since coming home, I get it. God did awesome things for her at PYT and she KNOWS it!

It was a neat day to see "my kids"outside our small group and have time to have "real" conversations with one another. It was a day to revisit the place where there was so much lonliness and pain and see the good of that year and that there is stuff I miss.

I kept saying that this trip was either going to be very healing or send me over the edge. I am firmly a few steps from the edge! I was glad to be back an visit and while I don't think I could ever live back there again...I love the fact I now have many, many happy memories of the "greater Lafayette area."

Us? Off Campus?
Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

My Mother is Driving Me BATTY!!!

I this is revelation...but last night/afternoon I had it.

Had taken out turkey burgers to thaw...for the record they have 170 calories and 8 grams of fat.

I grilled them. I was eating one and my mom goes into the kitchen and takes the nutritional info out of the trash and reads it. Let us bear in mind that she has no clue what any of it means which means she should just shut up or take time to learn. Anyway, like any of that mattered. So, I am a little over 1/2 way done with it (and was the only thing I had eaten to this point in the day) and she tells me,”There sure is a lot of fat in these.” I tried to ignore it...I tried to keep eating...but I couldn’t. I got up and threw the rest of the burger away. I think she got the point...not that I tossed it because of that...there was just no way I could finish it after that. “I’m not saying this for you...I am saying it for me because of all the junk I eat.” Yeah...that is why she keeps accusing me of eating junk and asking me if Toni tells me to stop eating all the junk I have been eating.

I think I did as well as I did eating at Triennium because she wasn’t around to make stupid comments plus the fact that we walked about 6-10 miles a day.

Anyway, I didn’t handle it well last night and I cut before I went to bed. Part of me doesn’t care. I kept trying to remind myself that she has no clue what she is talking about...that after not eating all day that a turkey burger (on a bun) was not going to kill me and there was nothing abnormal about it...but that didn’t work. I DID make some popcorn later...but that probably made it worse and I would have been better off not eating anything else.


The final thing we did was take ribbon and create a "web" stating what we were going to take with us from PYT. It was neat moment and all took it seriously. I have the ribbon in my still yet to be unpacked suitcase and will hang it in my office.
What I Will Take with Me...
Originally uploaded by Deneice.

I Love These Guys!

I loved my whole group, but this was what I expected from them and would have been shocked had it been more "normal."
Broken People
Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Another One!

Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Broken People

As we talked about brokenness, each neighborhood made a "person" representing brokenness.
One Neighborhood Done!
Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004


Big Five Test Results
Extroversion (64%) moderately high which suggests you are talkative, optimistic, sociable and affectionate but possibly not very internally grounded.
Friendliness (82%) high which suggests you are very good natured, trusting, and helpful but possibly too agreeable
Orderliness (84%) very high which suggests you are extremely organized, reliable, neat, and ambitious but probably not very spontaneous and fun.
Emotional Stability (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous.
Openmindedness (68%) moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.
Take Free Big Five Personality Test
personality tests by

I Did It!

It has been about two years since I have had a KK ( I "needed" the one I had) and I did it with friends! Not sure when I will do it again...but it was hot off the conveyer belt and I even enjoyed the darn thing! My dietitian was thrilled!
First KK in Two years!
Originally uploaded by Deneice.

My Small Group

This was my small group at Triennium! They were awesome and I miss them already!
Hometown 72!
Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Monday, July 26, 2004


Got home from PYT lst night...will post tomorrow.

It was a great week, though and Indiana proved healing and did NOT snd me over the edge!

Saturday, July 17, 2004


I got back a little bit ago. I am glad that Rob made time for me today, but my head is still spinning with all of this.

But, I also kept quiet about some of the other stuff. Heck..maybe I'm not depressed...maybe it is simply sleep deprivation because I am not feeling quite as "I wanna jump off a bridge" since I got 6 hours of sleep last night AND ate breakfast AND haven't cut since Thursday night. Sleep does wonders. But, there are "those thoughts" lingering in the back of my mind...a bit stronger than normal (for me) and it could be because of a million reason other than a depressive episode.

Last night I tried on the Dorothy dress. I like it. I look like an elephant in a Dorothy dress...but it'll do. I am looking forward to next this point I just want to get there, get out of God's way and let Him do what He needs to do in my group!

Friday, July 16, 2004

Thinking...Thinking...I am SICK of it!

I am trying to get myself all prepped and ready for tomorrow. I need to start packing, but that can wait until after I see Rob.

What I am thinking about is how to approach the "buy into it" issue. I think it is more of I have BOUGHT into it all and it isn't a matter of continuing to buy into it...but trying get it through my thick head that there has got to be a "truth" other than what I have grown up with and I find that very difficult.


This is a test post from flickr, a fancy photo sharing thing.

Lions, Tigers and Bears...

I got my Dorothy costume! I am so happy. I was really worried that it wasn't going to get here in time. I was tracking it...but I was worried all the same.

I leave day after tomorrow and tomorrow I am having a third session with Rob. While I didn't say most of what I wanted to tell him...things were a little intense. I was actually in tears...which I HATED with a passion...but I words were stuck and there was so much going on in my head and I couldn't get it to come out of my mouth. Anyway, I had to go to the library to take books back and get a couple more for the trip and had all this "stuff" in my head. So, I reserved a computer and sent him an email. Honestly, I can't remember everything it said.

For one thing, I went off on a zillion tangents about wanting to tell him so much and being so afraid and I apologized for crying and I also told him that him telling me that everyone feels "XXXXX" is not helping. I got home and regretted sending it because we were not going to have the time to talk about any of it. So, I called him and asked him to please just delete it and we'd talk when he got back from vacation. Either he checked his email before he got my call or ignored it because he sent me this:

"Let me know if you'd like to meet sometime Sat - I'm pretty sure you said
you're leaving Sun - I'm gone all day tomorrow at a workshop, but would be
very open to meeting Sat - lemme know!! I'm glad for what you expressed - I
didn't and probably won't go to your blog - I accept you more than you
realize, and I'm sure you know it's more about your own personal rejection -
I'm also glad you can tell me when it doesn't feel like it's working - we
need to work better together w/ all this - finally, you can't boil it down to
"I'm right and you're wrong" - it's more complicated than this - if Sat
doesn't work, take good care and I'll look forward to Aug!!"

So, I am going in tomorrow at 11 so we can work through some of this. I think that all this has been building the past couple weeks and yesterday I was just in this place where if we would have had another hour I would have been sitting there crying for most of it. When I was finally able to tell him the stuff about I don' think I am buying into anything...that it doesn't feel like there is a choice even though I know there is one I felt really dumb because I struggled so much telling him that. And, he is is more about my own personal rejection...but I have this weird view of authority/power...thus the he's right and I am wrong thing.

We did a Saturday back in October and those seem more relaxed and I am praying that tomorrow will be no exception. I just want to make sure we are in OK place before I leave and he leaves for vacation the next week.

Thursday, July 15, 2004


My mom bought and elliptical machine the other day. It won't be delivered until next week...but when I get back from Indiana it will be there. Toni is a bit surprised that my mom would do this. My mom does not need to lose weight in any way, shape or form and if anything she should be doing light weight bearing stuff. With all the smoking she does...if she can do a steady half hour I will be amazed. Toni asked me where it was going. I told her the living room and she was not happy about that either. You'd better believe that I am not going to let it just sit there at night when I can watch "Amazing Race" and do cardio at the same time.

It still amazes me my mom can do stuff like this and continue to make comments about food (without knowing why...she hears stuff on the news and at work and follows along). She doesn't get the whole low carb thing and brings home low carb stuff anyway, she doesn't get what does or does not constitute a low fat item and yet she looks at the labels. I am so tired of trying to explain it to her. Allshe knows is that she wants a calorie counter on the elliptical and yet she has NO idea what a calorie is or does or how many calories it takes to equal one pound.

I am glad I won't be there the day it arrives because I really don't want to deal with it yet. My head is at war with itself. Not sure which side is going to win...

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

I Dunno...

I think all ofthis is literally making my head spin. I was so dizzy last was weird. I did eat...I certainly did not purge nor overexert myself (I have a hard time exerting myself these days) so I am guessing with emotional overload.

However, as much as I wanted to cut to experience the physical pain rather than the emotional pain, I didn't do it. I watched "I Love the 90s" and fell asleep before I could do it. I picked the blades up and but them down...for one night at any rate.

I want to be a chicken and write everything down I want to say to Rob and email it before I leave because I won't see him for two weeks. But, while I AM a huge coward, I will not do a hit and run. I respect him and trust him too much for that.

I would love to tell him I am cutting
I would love to tell him that I think I am in another depressive episode
I would tell him why he will never see me cry because every time I do talk about something he said as I interpreted it...I am always wrong and things are great. However, I really think this time if that happened I'd be a bawling mess on the floor and he'd just sit there like he always does.

The really, reallty dumb thing is there is no GOOD reason NOT to sit down on Thursday and tell him all this. I NEED to do it and a few other things as well...but I am in such a place right now where I fear rejection so much that I am unwilling to chance it...even knowing our history and knowing that I will not be rejected.

He's not going to be thrilled with all of it...although I do take a bit of sick pleasure that I can lie about the cutting 2x a week...but he won't reject me, he willbe happy I finally decided to tell him all this and things will be that much better.

He keeps telling me I am buying into all my family has told me growing up. What I can't seem to get through to him is that it does not feel like a choice...after 30+ years of verbal abuse it's not a's who I am at my core. I DO get that as lights go on that the feelings will be there, but right now I just want to know that he gets that it's notme buying into's how I have been "programmed" from a young age and quite frankly him telling me we all feel stupid, ungrateful, shallow, etc. is NOT helping. I feel like a bigger freak because I feel that way about myself all the time and I guess...I dunno.

Monday, July 12, 2004


There is so much I want to say to Rob and feel frozen.

My world no longer works for me and I get that. But I feel like we are going at light speed to change stuff and I really can't handle it.

I think the hardest part is that I do not have the support I had four years ago when I began the process (which I prematurely ran from). I should say I don't have the real time support. That is soooo hard.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Ooops I Did it Again!

Okay...actually I did body did. It dawned on me last night that I have found myself in themidst of a major depressive episode...thankfully this one doesn't seem too bad. Okay, the cuttingand sleeping may not be GREAT...but I have been worse. Now I just pray that I can do all I need to so I don't sink more.

I guess I should mention this fact to Rob. But then I would have to tell him I have been cutting. That isn't going to happen.

Friday, July 09, 2004


Toni will be in town and so I will see her during my normal "Rob Time" on the 26th. She tells me "You'll be fine. You are doing so well." Augh...I told her that was debatable but left it at that. If I tell her about the SI she'll have to tell Rob unless I do and quite frankly...I don't WANT to tell him. I'm not in the mood to dissect it, I really don't want to hear how if I do this and then NOT talk about it he won't see me, etc.

Yesterday was really hard. He just didn't get how the news of yesterday shook me to the core. He said I was avoiding just like I did on Monday. Then he left it to me to pick up wherever or to keep avoiding. Fine. I picked up right where we left off last Thursday throwing in the stuff from Monday that wasn't "fluff." I'm still not getting it which is frustrating to me and I hate that I feel I can't cry in there. I know I need to talk to him about that as well...but don't think I can do THAT without bawling.

Eventually, I know I am going to have to tell Rob the truth...but I am in NO hurry.


I leave in 9 days and I am so incredibly unfocused it's not even funny. My mind is pulled in a million directions and yesterday was a day of "shock and awe." And not in a good way.

Spoke to one of my mentors on the phone and got a shock about his marriage. My heart breaks for the situation and for him and the boys and even her...cuz something has got to be going on... Their family has always been such a place of safety for me...I think back to times I have spent with the family and am truly shocked. Yet, after they began moving and I did too...I missed a lot because I wasn't there spending the night and hanging at the house.

It turns out Rob's vacation starts just before I get back from Triennium. This means two weeks (well...18 days) of no contact at all. Heck...even when I was IP we had phone sessionsmy first month and thenI'dstill call or email to touch base and if he needed to he called me back and stuff. Ijust emailed my dietitian becauseif she is gone that week as well...ack!

Thursday, July 08, 2004


so and so
You are So and So. You're smart. And boys like you.
This makes your friends jealous. You look soooo

Which Teen Girls Squad Member are you?
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Wednesday, July 07, 2004

M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!

I got the OK for Anna's wedding and got right on I got a rate of $40 a night for 6 nights and am really happy about that! I am staying at the Radisson Hotel Maingate in Anaheim. I am pretty familiar with all the hotels and wish that I had actually ended up in Irvine or the Travelodge I stayed at 18 months ago because it has a fridge.

Now, I need to start putting $$ away for the trip. Gas, FOOD(ick), parking, Disneyland tix, etc. Again, the GREAT thing about living in So Cal for so long is I know where I can go to eat cheap and I really like being a block from D-land. Very cool. Luckily, I put in major hours because of VHT so I can oput away some of next week's paycheck and since I leave for Triennium shortly after pay day...that is a week of $$ I won't be spending...much anyway.

Now I have to try to fit everything & everyone in. I am set with Dr. D and getting adjustments either from him or Dr. H and Anna's wedding...but after that I need to try and figure all this out!

Monday, July 05, 2004

I Am Such a Liar...

The scary thing is…I think Rob knows I’m lying. He used the same “line” on me as he did a few months ago when I neglected to tell him about the purging. Paraphrased, “With everything going on it’s amazing you haven’t given in to the urges.” To which I answered, “Not that I haven’t been tempted…but the opportunity hasn’t been there.” I am not purging…but am engaging on other behaviors other than the usual restricting.

I know it is a response to what is going on in therapy right now. I know I am punishing myself for acts of “betrayal” of my family, for having problems getting my head around what we have been talking about and not being able to grasp it, for eating, for not eating for not going to the Y everyday, etc.

Rob does not expect me to listen to him tell me that I have bought into all my family has told me over the years and realize that it’s not truth and have it all be over because HE says it is all lies…but it feels like he does. That is really stupid because Rob has TOLD me he knows it’s not that easy and that he doesn’t expect me to change just because he says it’s lies…but I walked out of there on Thursday feeling like a total dummy. The thing is…how does he KNOW that any of that stuff is truly lies? How can he be so sure my family is wrong about me?

The fact I played “Avoidy Girl” didn’t help matters and I realize that. I just did not feel like feeling any more stupid than I already do over this whole thing and couldn’t dive back into all this today. I don’t think he was very happy about it and I did switch gears and try…but my head wasn’t there.

Eventually I am going to have to tell him what is going on…but I need to do it in my time.

Sunday, July 04, 2004

Freedom from Pizza!!!

Thank God!

I know this sounds petty and awful and silly...but I was DREADING having to have to eat pizza today...I was trying to figure out how to get out of it. I sat in church and prayed for God to get me through today.

I get home from church. My mom asks me if I got her message. Nope! She told me that my grandpa (I LOVE that man) decided to make burgers and I'd grill them here to take to their house (they live like a mile from here). Yee haw!

Food in general isn't high on my list...but at least I know I can get through today without trying to find a way to excuse myself because there was no way "Frank's Fiasco (the pizza we always get) was going to stay in my body!

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Woo Hoo!

Grammar God!
You are a GRAMMAR GOD!

If your mission in life is not already to
preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!

How grammatically sound are you?
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Friday, July 02, 2004


This week has been hard...I am fighting my dietitan for no good reason and I need to call her and tell her that I am blowing it big is one of those days that I really don't care. But, I also think it has a lot to do with what is going on in therapy right now and turning to major restriction and overexercising on no food is my reaction to it.

I am freaked because my grandpa is making his awesome potato salad on Sunday and I think we are supposed to get a Giorgio's pizza as well...ANDhe is getting an apple pie.

Tonight I am meeting my friend Kim for dinner and a movie (going to see "The Stepford Wives") at Oakridge (the names ar for Charlie's benefit) and I think I can handle the Mongolian BBQ place and not freak...load up on veggies and save calories for popcorn!

This so such a control thing. Things in therapy are really intense and out of "control" and so I must take control in the one area I "can."

Thursday, July 01, 2004


Can I just go to sleep and never wake up? Please???

Over Exercise My Foot... arms, my abs, my legs...

So, I now belong to the YMCA and I love it! Much better than the icky gym I joined because it weas cheap and then didn't go because it was always crowded and way too small for the "crowds," but it was because of the cheap membership.

I am doing this 12 week program that I THOUGHT was going to be more supervised...but it's not. When it comes to strength training...I don't go over my sets and reps. Cardio on the other hand... Cardio on an empty stomach... Almost an hour of cardio per session... Toni was not extactly a happy camper. I kept telling her yesterday...after burning off almost 600 calories on the elliptical machine...WHY would I want to eat???

So, we spent some time negotiating how long I can be on the em. She is allowing 45 minutes 3 days a week...but if I don't eat three times (not full meals..."eating episodes") then we have to talk about me doing any cardio. I told her that it's NOT a critical point and goodness knows I need to lose the weight (I really and truly do...I HATE PCOS with a passion because losing is so ^$^&%# hard!). I left out the weight part though. I feel so hemmed in and all I want to do is rebel because I KNOW that I can work up to 5 days a week and be OK. I also realize in this fairly sane moment that I amjust switching the mode in which my ED works. I mean, overexercising IS a problem for me once I get going in a program...but I see that I am more than willing to switch out not eating for 75 minutes on the em.

The one thing I need to look at is that my body is pretty much functioning correctly. My metbaolism is as slow as anything (14 1/2 years of ED among other things will do that)...but I exercise and I get hungry. I have a morning "eating episode" (Boost) and I get hungry a few hours later as I revved up the metbaolism by eating...and I HATE IT!!! I hate feeling hungry and I hate that I have to eat and I hate that it takes me forever to decide what to eat and how to get all the elements of my meal plan in.

I had popcorn at like 10 PM last night. It is 8:30 AM now and I am sooo hungry! HELLO...I just ate 10 1/2 hours ago...

I still need to do the writing assignment for Rob.

It was 4 years ago today that I entered Remuda the first time. Wow!