Sunday, April 22, 2007

Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

Last night my friend Steve, whom I have known for about 15 years, and I went to the Angels game! It was fun as always. I was sitting in the 400s and I have never sat that high up before. It wasn't too bad. Job hazard: I watched the ticket takers and ushers off and on. I was surprised what they let guests get away with! Best thing is they won!

This morning I went to church and for the first time tried a different venue than the traditional Saddleback service. I went to Overdrive and I really liked it. I almost stayed for another service just to try another one out!

I went to Disneyland and picked up my Park Hopper for the week and then headed to Irvine Spectrum for a movie and finally a meal. I only ate maybe 1/2 and then had a glass of wine. That was stupid. Somehoe I gained 2 pounds today. I am so NOT amused.

Tomorrow is the "Walk in Walt's Footsteps" tour! I am really looking forward to it. I have always wanted to take a guided tour and decided to splurge...even though I probably shouldn't have.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Lapse or Relapse?

It depends on who you ask. If you ask my dietitian she would tell you I am in a relapse. If you ask me, I am struggling...but I am holding my own. If you asked Rob, he would probably be somewhere in between the two of us.

I am not even sure what has happened. One day I am pretty much eating a couple meals a day and even a snack at times and the next thing you know I am going to the gym (which is not a wise choice) and doing an hour of cardio on the cross ramp and then some circuit weight stuff. But, it's not like I am losing a ton of weight. Okay, if I didn't have PCOS it would be...but I do so it is coming off slowly and is only now being noticed by people.

The odd thing is that even thought I say, "But it's different this time." It really is. It is different because it is NOT a relapse and different because I can see some of the issues very clearly. Most of it has to do with my "old friend" the cognitive distortion. There are many of them and right now the one knocking on my brain is "magical thinking." You see...things are going well right now both at church and at the HP. I am loving both places and would not give either one up for anything. However, my mind has somehow linked this "success" to restricting. If I continue to restrict then things will CONTINUE to go well. I almost passed out in Barnes & Noble at Fashion Island tonight because I hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours (I think I had a soft chicken taco and a bottle of water) and I think things will continue to go well?? I don't think so. I also write that one off to exhaustion of a 6+ hour drive to OC in the rain...but no food didn't help.

There is also the fact that I don't think I DESERVE what is happening right now. I could teach on grace and mercy until the cows come home...but I find it very hard to extend those things to myself. Part of that is my perfectionism which I am learning needs to be managed because it will NOT go away and it shouldn't in some cases. When I work as part of a team it really helps when I am working as part of a team (big picture) but am more on my own it causes me problems. I still need to process that more and come to terms with the fact that it's not going to go away and no amount of wishing is going to make it happen.

So, Rob and I are slowly making our way through "Gaining." I have been holding back. As much as it makes sense to me...I froze in sharing it with him. I figured out why. I was afraid he wouldn't believe me...that I was just pulling stuff out of a book because it sounded good. When I lived in Indiana, the therapist I was seeing didn't believe me when I told him I was throwing up almost everything I ate because my weight wasn't changing much. I had myself convinced Rob wouldn't believe what I said about the book. We talked it out on Monday and discussed what I wanted to share Thursday and it was good. It was very good.

I am on vacation for the next week or so and we'll see what happens. I cannot have a repeat of today!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I Can Die a Happy Woman Pt. 2

I had the absolute joy and pleasure of working "in the bowl" last night for game #3. One of the best things about working at the HP is that we get moved around and get to learn a bunch of different jobs within our department. For the most part, we never know where we will be until the assignments go up the day of the event. I was really expecting to be outside the bowl as I have not been inside for the last few games of the season. I was absolutely "giddy" when I saw I was going to get me be inside and in a section where I have worked before which lowers my anxiety immensely. Not that I get too anxious anymore...but this is playoffs! A whole new ball o' wax!

Not sure if I can adequately describe what it is like being in the bowl for a game like last night's game. The energy was so different than the other games. They gave white pom poms out at the doors and when we look around and see the bowl turn white as people shook them and the noise and the music and the! It means a lot to me since I know I will not be in the bowl Wednesday as I am Inside Director. However, this means I get to experience it all from a whole different POV.

Guests were so kind last night and so much fun! At least in my section. I was high fived...I was hugged (always a shock), I was told what a good job I was doing and no one sat in the wrong seat! :) At the end, we do "Three Stars of the Game" and three kids receive an autographed souvenir stick. The big rules is to not let kids hang on the glass as parents put them on their shoulders or hold them up. We get to the #1 Star and Mike Grier headed right toward where a little girl was with her dad in my section. She couldn't quite get up even with her dad, so we boosted her up a little more together and she got the stick! A guest told me that was a really nice thing to do and asked me if I'd lift HIM up on Wednesday. I love my job!