Sunday, October 31, 2004

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary.
If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

Friday, October 29, 2004

The Day After...

I walked into Rob's office not quite knowing what to expect...was it going to be like Monday? He had sent me an email on Tuesday night asking for what I had read to him on Monday and making sure I was OK. I emailed him back and said since Thursday was my b-day...I only wanted to talk about sports!

It was okay. I got there and he did let me talk about sports for a bit. We were both excited for the Red Sox! While I am not normally a Bo Sox fan...anyone who beats the Yankees are my "new best friends." The he asked me if I filled out the BCA like he asked and I said yes. I read it and we talked about what stuck out for me.

We talked about me tearing up walking into The Wooden Horse (cool toy store by where my mom works) and then again during one of the video montage's during the World Series.

We talked about my misinterpretation of that verse in Matthew and I told him I still struggle with how do I know what is too high a standard...especially if I don't impose my standards on anyone else? Now the question is what are God's standards? Ugh!

Thursday, October 28, 2004


I'm 35 today...ick!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

It Hurts to Breathe

I walk into Rob's office and sit down on the couch...I've gone back to sitting on the couch...not sure why. I pick up Frederick and try to breathe. Rob sits in his leather office chair Indian style and says nothing. No smile, no "well?" and for sure no sports talk. I am anxious to the nth degree...take a deep breath and read what I wrote over the weekend.

He thanked me and then wanted to share a few things with me. He thought about flat out terminating me for "definace." That is a new one. I have never been called defiant...but as I think about actions were defiant. But, he is not going to do that...yet. He's still not quite sure what he is going to may be a three strikes and I'm may be ALL behaviors at which point Toni is going to have to step in because there is NO way I can just all of a sudden eat three meals a day...but it would probably be "only" the SI and the purging (though it has been weeks since the last time I purged). I can live with that.

There is one thing I just don't think he is hearing me on...there are days it hurts just to wake up and function. There are days that I have not come into the office because I can't handle it. I don't how to make it any clearer than that to him.

I feel so much pressure to try and figure out what I want to talk about on Thursday. That's the new thing...I need to come in with an agenda. I think there is so much...that I can't figure out where to start.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Take 2

Sorry Anna! I tried!

I missed not being with my friend Anna sooo much. I was not alone...but it was very strange not to have her with me during "Shine" and "Breakfast!"

Duncan and Jody
Originally uploaded by Deneice.


It was hard to get a good picture of Duncan!!!
Duncan and Peter
Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Million Pieces

This was a surprise and so very cool!
Million Pieces
Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Phil and Jeff

These are Newboys Pix from Great America!


Phil and Jeff
Originally uploaded by Deneice.


Contented sigh? Resigned sigh? What the ^#@%^$ am I doing sigh? Probably all three.

Yesterday, my friend Kim and I went to Great America for their Fall Celebration. It was cold, it was rainy...but would not miss the chance to see The Newsboys for anything! They were wonderful and wish they would have played for another least! I'll try and post pix later if they look OK.

I wish I could say it took my mind of tomorrow and what I feel is almost a waste. I don't know what to say to Rob to show that I AM motivated...just struggling. I guess that's what I need to say.

The Monday I forgot all of the previous Thursday, I ended up calling him later because it all came back to me as the lights were going down at the movies. He never responded. What he told me the next time I saw him was that he almost emailed with this simple sentence: "Do you ever struggle?" That would have driven me nuts...but he has a point. He explained to me that I come through that door and he'd never know what was going inside because I seem so "together" when I walk in. I told him Greg used to tell me the same thing. As I think about it, Marc is probably the only T that has seen me walk in and not be all up and happy.

I think I left my notebook at home and if my mom reads it I will die...literally. How could I be so stupid? I thought I had it with me!

Anyway, even amidst some awesomr worship with the Newsboys...I was close to tears and not feeling alone because God's presence was so there...but feeling apart from it I didn't belong.

I have no clue what to expect tomorrow. I want to be able to read to him all that I am feeling and all that I want and yet am so scared. I know he is not the ONLY therapist in the world...but if this is's over. I won't do this again. I can't. I don't have it in me.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Cut Off...


n 1: the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior; "we did not understand his motivation"; "he acted with the best of motives" [syn: motive, need] 2: the condition of being motivated; "his motivation was at a high level" 3: the act of motivating; providing incentive [syn: motivating]

I guess I have none. Actually, I think I is just hidden under my mood that has been spiraling down since June. But, Rob has had enough.

I've been engaging in a behavior and, until yesterday, kept it from him. I feel like I "need" it and that he is trying to take it away and so I have kept quiet for the past week. He finally asked me point blank (because he forgot to Monday) and I couldn't lie. So I told him...all of it. Well...except the part about me doing it so I don't feel totally dead inside...but that will come on Monday.

He was understandably angry and part of me is thinking, "FINALLY! He is coming right out with how much I am frustrating him." Of course, I wasn't counting on him telling me no phone calls or contact until I see him on Monday and tell him "where I am at."

So, I am working on it. I am writing whenever thoughts come to me...even if they don't totally answer the question or are just huge tangents.

Maybe it's not worth it...I'm not worth it...maybe I should have just quietly exited last year...

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Have I Mentioned I Love Rob??

I'd love him more if he gave me a price break...but the man has to make a living! :)

Seriously though, Friday all day was bad, bad, bad. My mom and her constant negativity just finally got to me and I left the house in tears to goto the store. I called Rob from the store and told him I was notdoing well, the ED voice would NOT shut up and I couldn't take much more. He called me back (once while I was still gone) and I went in for an extra session at 6.

It's not even that he said was a ton of help. Some of it is confusing. However, in those moments, what I really needed was just to be in the ONLY real safe place in my life, be able to snuggle with Frederick and just listen to him talk me down. What was said was good stuff...but paled in comparison to feeling safe for that hour.

One thing that he said on Monday and I talked about both Thursday and Friday is that therapy has been so inconsistent since I really started this journey five years ago (and have have the ED for almost 15 years now). There was Marc...he left...I saw Linda until I went to Remuda and thereI had Lauren and then Kelvey Ann at LIFE. I came home and went back to Linda...ick! Tried someone else...she didn't work and then there was Greg. He was great. Then I moved to Indiana and the was Dave the Terrible followed by my move back here and David the Worse. Then there was Rob, a 60 day trip back to Remuda with Betsy AND Darcy and back to Rob.

As he put brain must be in knots trying to figure it all out. What I am trying to do is take the good (Marc, Lauren, Greg and Rob) and filter out that which was harmful. I think a GOOD thing is I no longer feel guilty for saying, "Greg said that" or "Lauren and I talked about that as well." Rob has never had a problem with was all me...but I now realizeit helps him see what does work.

So, while I am still on edge...he calmed me down a little, was late going home (thank you Mrs. Rob) and gave me good stuff to ponder this weekend.

I also LOVED being there in the evening. His shades were totally drawn, soft light (he never uses the overheads) and his little desk waterfall thingie was going. It helped relax me a lot. I like his office in the fall/winter! Seems a bit more cozy!

Friday, October 15, 2004

I Dunno...

Yesterday was another day I couldn't do it. I could not come in. This is NOT a good thing. I am here today though.

I went and paid my car insurance, got a haircut and went to the library before I saw Rob. Because the $$$ is so, so, so tight right now...I should have cancelled. By and large it was a very hard yet very good session...but I came out of it so hurt and confused that I really don't want to go back.

It would be so easy. Because of the $$ situation I already had to cancel my dieitian and it could be so easy to just fade out of the radar with Rob. I know this is coming from some anger and because I am hurt...but I don't deserve to go back.

We came to a point where I have realized that my standards are impossibly high and how I have made them higher than what God expects from me (which confuses me...but whatever...doesn't He ask for perfection...even if we blow it?). I felt dumb...really dumb and kind of got quiet and was already pretty teary. Rob asked me if this was something I wanted to work on and I said yes...but my voice was so quiet. The next thing I know he says something about me not sounding very motivated to do it. I don't know why he said that. I was quiet when I answered...I was overhwlemed because it seems like the list we have to work on is endless...and he said that and I was already feeling stupid and the tears started again.

For Rob the words came out before he could stop them. He knew what would happen as soon as they came out of his mouth and could tell by my face. He asked me why I was crying and tried the "I don't know" and Rob didn't buy it...of course. He asked me if it was because he hurt me and I nodded yes. Rob asked me if I could tell him that and I couldn't. He wants to know from me...even when he can see my reactions...but he acknowledged that I have never had the freedom to do that in the past.

I just feel like I am a failure in therapy and for the first time he didn't really deny it. He gave me some definition for failure that I can't recall.

I know he doesn't get it right now because I haven't told him I haven't been in the office two days this week. I don't even know why he'd need to know. To me, it seems like total laziness on my part...suck it up and do my job...

Another reaction is to bake him something for being such a huge disappointment, but I think he would know that is why I did it so I will try and be "good" and not try and make it all up to him by baking.

I feel dumb because it was drilled into my one can "make" us do anything...we have a choice. But as the words came out his mouth it didn't feel like I chose to feel hurt by what he said. So, he had nothing to be sorry for.

I wish...well...I can't say what I wish...

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

I Dunno...

Today was one of those days where I could not force myself to get up and go to work. I couldn't do it. I tried...but it wasn't going to happen. It wasn't one of those "mental health" days where I dosomething fun or was me on the couch on the verge of tears over who knows what...wanting to call Rob and yet not knowing what to say.

Yesterday he asked me about my thoughts from Thursday and I totally blanked out. I literally couldn't remember Thursday at all. That went over like a lead balloon and the session left me feeling like a total failure. I didn't dare cry because I was afraid he would think they weren't real. I went to a movie afterward and as the previews came back to me.

I am such a screw up!

Saturday, October 09, 2004

I Want God to Open Up a Hole and TAKE Me!


I wish I had never been born. I wish I knew what God was thinking when He put me in this family because I can't figure it out to save my life.

Today's marginally OK dinner for my grandfather became a fight over my soon to be 35th B-day and where we are going to dinner. I don't get a chance to vote. I don't get to decide, I don't get a say at all. I was really hoping I could have a nice 35th B-day cuz that is one of those kinda milestoney type years...but it is going to be hell. My grandmother said she would give my mom $$ and she and i could go to one place and my g'ma and g'pa wouldgo where we went today.

I want to forget the day exists, I would for ONCE like for them to ask me what I might want to do...I'd like to take it all out of their hands and disappear for that weekend...but what little extra $$ I had has had to go for therapy.

I thought I was doing better...but I am such at the breaking point!

Friday, October 08, 2004

Just Track with Me...

BUFFY: Because? okay. I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm going to turn out to be. I make it through this and the next thing and the next thing and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m? (covers) or enjoy warm, delicious cookie-me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.

I love Buffy and have always been fond of this's from the last episode so it hasn't been years and years of fondness...but it made so much sense to me then and it does now as well.

Yesterday as Rob and I were talking, I was very aware of what my brain was was twisting Rob's words around and making them negative. It came down to me telling myself that anything good I do I do for the wrong reasons even if I don't think they are wrong. We were talking about motive and expectations of the good things we do. I guess the one thing I am having a really hard time getting my head around and need to email him about is that there is a motive and expectation is all that we do. I guess most of the time it is subconscious, but I never think of it in terms of what I'll get.

All this to say...Rob was very excited I was able to sit there in our session and realize what my head was doing and that I could stop and look at it. It reminded me of the quote from "Buffy." I think that is so true of all of us. I still have no clue who I am outside of the ED. I still want my mom's love and approval to MY satisfaction...having a hard time STILL accepting that she can only give so much. I want it to really sink in the ONLY acceptance I need is from God.

I am still cookie dough.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Oriental Trading Company and Other "Stuff"

So, I order some dog tags from OTC for the giveaways for October. Shipping cost more than the items! How lame is that?? Oh well...they will appeal to both the boys and girls and that is the important thing!

I need to go look at Bibles at Berean. We need to make sure the kids have them this month. I have not been able to find the 4-5 I need and I may have to order them elsewhere. I don't have the $$ to do it...but such is ministry!

Other than that things are kinda "eh." Not really looking forward to seeing Rob. I know I keep saying it...but it's not him as much as I am sick of feeling feelings in there with him. He made the comment Monday about being vulnerable is scary and I said yes. he allowed me to sit there for a few more minutes so I could walk out of his office in OK shape. He gaveme the usual big bear hug before I left. There are days I just like it and other days where it's like Jesus giving me a hug through's weird and hard to explain but some hugs seem more "special."

As we go through what I sent him paragraph by paragraph it is going to be hard work. I do not shy away from hard work as a rule...but it is so emotionally drianing. I went home and ended up taking an early evening nap on Monday I was so exhausted.

I keep asking myself why the past few years have been such a struggle and why I can't get it together. One thing I have realized is that I did not expect to be alive this long. I was all set to be dead at 30. I am not. Don't think it's going to be happening quite yet. I don't know what to DO with that.

I ask myself if losing Rob is why I cling to ED. I don't think so. I may have not been entirely honest with behaviors...but I have not stayed "sick" to keep him. I know when the day comes I will be sad...BUT...I think he will allow limited contact. Greg allowed it and after my letter April 2003...I haven't written him. But, I am still a little ways from having to worry about it. So, I try to put it aside along with my fear that he's going to leave...or I will.

Monday, October 04, 2004


Today was just as hard as I thought. I emailed Rob some stuff Friday that I knew I would have to read out loud today. I know that is the deal...but I balked at it anyway.

So, I read it. I prefer it ONLY because he reads it so monotone that it drives me nuts! Then, of course, when we go to discuss it he re-reads it! Grrrr...

We seem to be going through it paragraph by paragraph and sentence by sentence. I see myself becoming very frustrated because wanting to change does not mean I make up my mind to stop trying to please finding the "whys" change will come. Bah! I get it...but I hate it. I have NO patience with myself!

Friday, October 01, 2004

Deep, Dark, Black Hole...

I am not sure where I am going with this. I consciously do not feel like I wake up and choose to hate myself, to feel unloveable, etc. I feel like I wake up and there it is.

Yesterday was a really lousy session. He told me I wasn't trying to change, that I am continuing to choose to believe lies (does he NOT get that I have no idea what is the truth?) and it finally got to a point where I am sitting on the floor on one end of the couch clutching Frederick and he is on the floor on the other side his body turned away from me and totally exasperated.

Once I found some words again and he started giving got better, but I am so confused. He told me he thinks that I am trying to make a huge switch from being all bad to being all good. I told him for the zillionth time that I know I can't be all good. I am beginning to think he doesn't think I truly believe it.

What I am beginning to understand is that God given, people given...whatever...I am having a very, very, VERY difficult time accepting that there is any good there. my saner moments I know that there has to be otherwise I'd be totally alone...but I still can't get my head around that my family would PURPOSELY lie to me. Rob keeps reminding me that it shows how sick they were/are...I still have my doubts.

I am not looking forward to Monday. Right now I don't care if he says that he isn't mad at me...that he is acting like a coach trying to push me to the next level...he was mad at me yesterday...he was frustrated and had no patience with me and that's OK if he tells me that...but he didn't and I bet that means he had another run-in with the same person who put him in a "mood" the last time this happened.