Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Today Is????

Time is flying by! There are 15 events at the HP this month and I am working all of them. It's been a busy December so far. Last night's game rocked! They put me in my favorite aisle (even if it is a LONG way down for the aisle tours) and it was a great night to be there. I am weird. I really like the fights. Last night was a great one. The last five minutes of the game I have to drop down to the bottom to make sure people don't climb on the boards, etc. after the game. To be right on the glass is amazing. The fight breaks out and moves to my section. Glove, pads, helmets are flying across the ice. It was brutal, but no one was really injured. Best of all...Sharks won!

Last week I was on "vacation" because if I don't use my vacation time from the church I lose it. Last Wednesday I took the rain into SF and was happy I can actually get to where I need/want to go using public transportation. It may take a little longer, but when the weather is nice (and it was perfect in SF last week) it's not a huge deal. Having that time to myself and not having a schedule was also a great thing.

Even though we are in the midst of all the Christmas "stuff," things are a little slow for me in Children's Ministry. It's kind of nice. I am pretty much prepped for Sunday already so this week I am going to get stuff ready for January and start recruiting for Jr. Getaway Camp in March. Sunday was almost all music (adult choir, both kids' choirs and the handbell choir) and we kept the kids in church and all I need to do for this Sunday is cut out and glue a bunch of stockings together. I am trying Group's Bible Venture Centers for the first time and I really like it...at least on paper. We'll see what happens when I put it into action!

I am house sitting this week and even though I have to actually commute I like it. I also get to finish my Christmas baking so that's a bonus!

I sense things are going to get intense with Rob the next few weeks. Thursday I left a little down and it was just one of those things. I mean I am not going to leave happy all the time. Anyway, he took it as me being discouraged and I kind of lapsed into silence. I am not discouraged at all. It was a moment I was editing myself and chose not to sound like a broken record.

After some babbling and long silences I knew I had to say something and even though I have said it before...I think he actually got it this time. I was talking to him about the HP...the relationships I am forming there and the positive feedback I get from time to time. There is this older woman who totally rocks and she takes good care of me. I finally got a locker and she made sure it was an upper! On Friday my supervisor commented on my spirit and attitude whenever I work with him (supervisors change from event to event depending on where you are assigned and where they are assigned).

Anyway, I talked about the tension I live in when that stuff and the good stuff going on at church doesn't match up with how much I hate myself. It's not like I am doing any of the other stuff "on purpose," but it's like that part of me can't be real and I must be manipulating the situation even if I don't do it knowingly. As I was explaining this to Rob something clicked in my head. When I was a kid and would go over to a friend's house or something like that...the reports back to mom were always what a joy I was to have around, how helpful I was, etc. My mother would smile and nod and then when we were alone would pretty much berate me and tell me what a fraud I was because I am so lazy, etc. at home.

It's not that I don't want to resolve any of this stuff. Although, after having no urges for almost three weeks, I am really struggling right now and if I leave it alone the urges will go away. Not healthy...but just what I feel at the moment. Driving back to Cupertino, the urge to do something to punish myself was huge.

I know I have to process all of this and do the work, but I am so afraid when that happens my streaks could end.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Quick (albeing LONG) Post

Written last week:

It was either 2 ½ or 3 ½ years ago that Rob and his family went on a long weekend trip to Disneyland. When I saw him next there was a pink Mickey Mouse icon pen on the couch where I sit. I am guessing it was 3 ½ years ago because I sit on the other couch and in between that was the floor. Anyway, it was a cool little gesture and I love that pen. Or should IoveD that pen?

I was going to use it at the HP when I got hired, but found the Mickey icon was coming off in my pocket and I was afraid I’d lose it. It has been on our kitchen counter for a few weeks now so I can grab it if I need one. The other morning I was getting ready to leave for the church when I saw it in PIECES! One piece was missing and the rest was put back on the counter. My mom never said a word.

Today I finally asked her and she told me that she dropped it. No apology or anything. Then she tells me Rob can just get me another one. Ummm…no…not really and that isn’t even the point. If I hadn’t brought it up she wouldn’t have said a word to me. Is she two? I thought when you break something that belongs to someone else you tell them. This has ended up bringing up memories of a whole night of drunkenness and smashing of my things when I was a kid. It was actually an incident I forgot. The pen kicked off the recent memory of a music box I gave my grandfather several years ago that my mom broke as well. Her idea of fixing it was to glue the head on the base instead of the neck. Before I could fix it…she trashed it. HELLO…it was my first fairly expensive gift I could afford after I graduated from college. As I thought about that incident the “smashing of Deneice’s music box collection” came flooding back.

I must have been 5 or 6. My mom was drunk and she was yelling and screaming. I can’t remember who was there…but I think there was some man involved. She didn’t smash all of them and my grandfather repaired most of those that she did smash…but just like the pen that really isn’t the point. It is the absolute disregard then and now of anything that belongs to me. The same disregard that causes her to open my mail and go into my room whenever she wants. My next question is why did she have kids in the first place? I know the answer to that one…it was 1969 and she didn’t have a choice.

Rob said something today about my mom not getting something she needed from my grandmother. I 100% don’t agree with that because my grandmother put my mom first most of the time. I think it probably has to do more with her dad (not my grandfather…the man I call my grandpa…he is a gem) than my grandmother.

New Stuff:

Rob: Were you at church last night?

Me: Nope, I had to work the Pete Newell Challenge

Rob: I was at your church last night

Me: (laughing) I know

His office Christmas party was at our church. I’ve known about it for a few months and until I got the 2nd job thought I would be there. Glad I wasn’t at youth group…that would be too weird.

I usually where shoes I can slip off and on easily when I see him because I usually sit “Indian style” on the couch or am in a kind ball type thing. Anyway, I had on tennis shoes I couldn’t easily slip in and out of so I sat on the couch like a “normal” person. I didn’t really like it and I guess he didn’t either. He told me that he didn’t care if I put my feet on the couch…so I did. It was funny. His words were, "Okay, now we're home." :)

Lately all we talk about is my mom. I think I am finally really willing (and able) to talk about a bunch of stuff when it comes to her. Most of it has to do with my lifelong role of “parent” rather than my mom being my mom. Saturday she went to make some of MY whole wheat pasta for her dinner (I was headed to work) and didn’t set the timer…she said she’d just “watch” it. I am guessing it turned into mush. I taught her how to use our oven timer. She still didn’t get it and she bought a timer. Did she use it? Nooooooooooo…

I lived away from home for about 16 years and she functioned. I guess. She can’t even do basic grocery shopping. Her idea of grocery shopping is bags of chips, Coke and frozen junk. The kicker for tonight:

Mom: “I left you some chicken. I ate some, but I had to throw it away because it made me sick.”

Me: “If it made you sick, why would I want to eat it?”

Mom: “Just because it made me sick doesn’t mean it will make you sick.”

I am house sitting next week for about 10 days. I so can’t wait! It will be great to get out of here for a few days. Kind of like extra vacation even if I am working.

There have been days the last few weeks that I really want to remind her what Lauren had her do at the end of my Family Week my first time at Remuda. Lauren had her “fire” me as her caretaker. It held while I was in So Cal…I mean for the first time she was really “mom” and not the other way around. I hesitated in moving back because I was afraid what would happen. However, when I moved back I thought I would have my own place.

This is going to be good work with Rob…but not easy work at all.