Wednesday, September 29, 2004

My Uncle is an Idiot!

Yesterday my g'ma informed me that the man who molested me is going to go visit my Uncle Mike in a couple weeks. She didn't know NOT to tell me because she is unaware of the abuse.

I had actually managed to block out his whole name until yesterday. I had given him another last name. Hearing brought back his name and his face to me. I had blocked that out as well.

My aunt and uncle know full well what happened...I wrote them myself. I cannot believe they are allowing him into their lives again. I have forgiven him...I really have...but forgiveness doesn't always mean welcoming someone back into your life. I guess it does for my family and I thank God they are far away in WA. I would be more upset if this was actually happening here.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Lies, Lies and More Lies!

I am really trying to figure out truth from lies. Not that I think Rob would lie to me. Not sure he gets what my reality really and truly is like. I think he knows...but then it appears as if he doesn't.

I really feel like I am living two separate lives. There is my internal world...the one full of the "bad stuff" I think about me, what has been said about me, etc. Certain people see it...but for the most part even they don't see how deep it goes. Rob describes me as a deep well all the time and in some respects he is correct. This is the part that doesn't believe, whether in anger or drunkenness, that what has been said about her could possibly be lies. Why would adults say that sort of stuff to a kid if it wasn't true?

Then there is the part that most people see. The part who appears to have it fairly together...can laugh, joke and have fun. Can be Ms. Supportive and Helpful because that is who God has wired her to be. The part that feels productive and tries to work hard and make others happy.

There are times I feel like that part is going to swallowed whole by the other part. My ruse will be discovered. The truth of what a dirty, rotten, disgusting, unloveable thing I am will finally come out to all. I can't cut it out, I can't purge or starve it is going to take over unless I can stop it.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

I Honor Your Tears...

Just when I think Rob cannot say anything else or do anything else that would cause me to trust him more...he does.

Yesterday was...well...weird. I sat down and grabbed Frederick off the couch. Took the throw off the other couch and wrapped around my feet and we talked sports a minute. We then moved to a VM I left him. I forgot about it. Once he started to talk about it it dawned on me and we talked stuff out. It was good.

Then I sat there and debated where to go next. Do I read stuff from the kinda journal I keep that brings up a ton of shame and embrassment or do I take out the body image yarn that Betsy had me do at LIFE and explain to him that I can't accept my body where it is out because what I see is so distorted! The yarn won out. We talked about it...still doesn't think he quite gets it. Then there was silence.

I wasn't ready to read it. The rest of it is no problem...but there is a paragraph in there that I can't bear to read. The deal is either I read stuff out loud or he does. I was hoping this ONE time he would just read it and let us go on from such luck.

So, I went to a different place. I told him that Thursday, when we said I looked relieved after doing some more crying, I thought about it a lot. I realized over the weekend that those tears on Thursday was the FIRST time I had ever cried about the molestation. I never had before. Kinda weird...I think. I think I stunned him a little. He knows I hate to cry and that I think it shows weakness...but considering that was 22 years ago...I think he was shocked it took that long for it to happen.

I think he figured that whatever I have to read would bring the tears. He looked at me and told me that he needs me to know that he honors my tears more than I can ever know and that he wanst the same for me. He told me it was OK that I couldn't read and that we'll try again Thursday if I am ready for it. He wanted me to leave there and be OK with not reading it.

I have probably cried more in there in the past three weeks than I have in the almost two years that I have been seeing him. I still hate it...I still hate me when I allow it to happen...but I am trying to let Rob's words sink in.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Back to 12...

I would have to say I have felt very fortunate that my flashbacks are few and far between. In fact, it has been almost a year since I have had one. Then came yesterday.

Yesterday I was expecting to go in and talk about what Rob and I had started about my family and the alcoholism and all that "good stuff." But that didn't happen. We ended up talking food and my dislike for it and the whys which then took us to how much I hate my body. He was trying to help me break out of the "hate cycle" I have with it. Usually...he gets it. This time...he is a little off. Anyway, as much as I trust him...body image is a very hard thing to talk about with him . I usually leave that for Toni.

So, there I am feeling really icky and tearing up (jerk!) and boom! back in the garage, I was 12 and for the first time in a very, very long time I felt it all come rushing lasted for hours which was unamusing. The last time we talked about it I remember I probably was feeling emotions about it more than the physical aspects of it...not this time. This time is was every grope on my breasts, his tongue...well...anyway...I am "happy"it happened in Rob's office. I wasn't alone and he was able to help catch my breath and 1/2 compose myself before walking out the door.

To me, it is NO big revelation that it was at that moment that the hatred of my body was "set in stone." I can even see the issues surrounding it. I think what I need to try and make Rob and Toni and everyone understand that it is just not the physical for me. I mean, with the PCOS I know it is an uphill battle weight-wise without ED. I do know that and somedays can even really and truly accept it. The main goal for me is to be healthy. I also know that with almost 15 years of ED my metabolism is in the cellar and restriting doesn't help. I also know that what I do see in the mirror is still not accurate. I still see myself a lot bigger than I am. I pulled out my body image yarn from Remuda to make sure! I can still sit in my "stomach."

The hatred goes way beyond what I see in the mirror. Maybe even I didn't get that until yesterday.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Behavior Chain Analysis

Label the Problem Behavior
Describe it in enough detail that an actor in a play or movie could recreate the behavior exactly. describe exactly what you did, said, thought and felt and the intensity surrounding the problem behavior.


I hate food. I hate that I have to eat. I hate that if I don't I eventually get relly dizzy and feel ooky. I hate that when I try to eat moe than what has been the norm a couple things come into play:
  • my stomach empties slow and after major restricting and/or purging any attempt to eat "normally" results in feeling like a stuffed whale
  • the feeling from the above makes me want to get rid of it instead of sit with it, deal with it and allow it to stay in my body
Toni said one of my biggest problems is that I don't enjoy food and I need to learn to do that again. She's right. I do NOT enjoy food. I look upon it as a necessary evil and while I don't even see it as that necessary...I am in a small majority. I try to enjoy food...but it seems wrong and gross and latel even certain textures no longer appeal to me.

But, I also see the stupidity of continued restricting because of how food feels in my body when I do eat. Guess what? It does NOT get better by not eating. Eventually, I need to start doing the whole refeeding thing. For me that means trying to eat at least 2x a day and then really work on making those "eating episodes" meals and full meals at that.

The thought once again scares me to death....

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Long Time...No Blog!

I hate feeling. I know it supposed to be a GOOD thing...but I hate it! Rob, of course, is thrilled with what has been going on in therapy...bully for him!

Not sure what happened last Thursday. I was struggling with something and while he says he was playing sounded like he was really sick of me and frustrated. Whatever the cause...all of a sudden I popped out with stuff that I didn't plan on. It wasn't bad nor anything I was hiding...just didn't expect the words to come out of my mouth. It was all about not wanting to feel because people won't like me if they knew what I was really feeling at times. Where did I get a boneheaded idea like that? From a couple isolated cases that I thought I was cool with and I guess I was not.

Then there is all that I am feeling about sharing more family stuff. I can't even remember what I told Rob on Monday. It had to do with my grandmother and alcohol and I can't even begin to remember. Oh...I do now. The one time I chose to get out of the house and take care of ME in a bad mom made me come home. I had nver told anyone the whole story in years if was weird sharing that with him.

Through all of this gunk...behaviors are getting worse...but filling out a behavior chain analysis helps a bit. At the very least, getting a narrative on paper gives Rob and I a starting off point to dig a little.

Anyway, I know this makes little sense. I am still trying to make sense of it myself.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004


Summer has finally decided to come to California. It can go right back. It was 90 in out house at about 5 PM was also 90 at about 10 PM when I tried to go to bed. This really needs to stop...NOW!

So, Rob finally said what we all know. There is no way I will ever ger truly healthy living in my house. I think hearing him really say it for the first time was a bit startling. I have said it, some of you have said it...but to hear him say it...whoa. Of course then comes thr problem of finding someplace to live and trying to tell my mom why I am leaving. HA! That is a joke. She won't get it and I know it should not matter and yet it does...very much.

I have to think about this a lot.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Yesterday, against my better judgement, I spent the better part of my whole session in tears. I blame it on the fact I had maybe two hours of sleep the night before and no sleep always makes me a little vulnerable. Rob, for his part, was "thrilled" to say the least. Actually his words were "I am so proud of you."

I thought the interesting thing was the reason the tears started and what came out of that (the true reason) floored me. I had to fill out a BCA because of the SI and purging. I was having a very hard time with it and when I manged to get the narrative part done it was basically I miss the uncondiational love I had for a whole week while I was"home" and wanted to numb the sdness I have been feeling since coming back to San Jose. Turned out that really wasn't it.

Let me say I do not blame my mother for anything...the verbal and physical abuse...the continued verbal abuse from time to time, etc....but it all came down to it being "all about her." One good thing that came out of that is when I usually manage to really talk about mom stuff...I leave feeling like I totally betrayed her and more insanity ensues. This time I did not.

Yesterday we talked about how eventually I need to be back in "The OC," but no time soon. Rob also assured me that my mother is the psycho (his words...he knows her, has met her and has had a session with he knows) not me and that someone needs to put her in her place. Okay...whatever. I come home and relax a bit because I am so tired from the no sleep. She comes home and everything Rob said went out the window.

I got yelled at for the gate being open. was closed. My grandpa must have opened it and forgot about the dog. So, I get called stupid and irresponsible and all those lovely things that I figure must be true.

Two hysterical calls later...Rob calls me before he leaves for the night. I had told him that there has got to be something defective about ME for her to do this. Something that allows me to fool all y'all and everyone else in my life...but that she sees and reacts to. He made me sit there and listen to him over and over say that it isn't true.

"The morning after" and I am still pretty emotional. I think would be in a really bad spot if he was taking Monday off. He will be there as usual. This really surprised me because Labor Day is usually the only 3 day holiday he takes off...but I am grateful!

I guess I just need prayers for strength to get through the next few days. My focus at work is hot and we have our Kick Off Sunday...I need to be up...WAY up! I also think the low level depressive episode I have been experiencing since June has just blown up a bit...most likely heightened by not enough food and sleep.

Thanks guys! I just feel like I am at my wits' end today!

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

"We're Painting the Roses Red."

Not this time! The deck of cards is getting Sleeping Beauty's castle ready for Disneyland's 50th Anniversary.

While the date is July 17, 2005, D-land will kick off the celebration in May. Revamped Space Mountain, Tiki Room, refurbishment galore, etc.

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Originally uploaded by Deneice.

"We're Painting the Roses Red."

Not this time! The deck of cards is getting Sleeping Beauty's castle ready for Disneyland's 50th Anniversary.

While the date is July 17, 2005, D-land will kick off the celebration in May. Revamped Space Mountain, Tiki Room, refurbishment galore, etc.

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Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Another View

This is a view of DCA taken from the opposite side of the water that divides parts of the park.
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Originally uploaded by Deneice.

California Screaming

This is where they are "launched" to begin the ride and where "screaming" comes from! The force pretty much causes you to let a scream out no matter what!

My only problem with this single loop coaster is that it is NOT authentic to beack boardwalk coasters in CA!

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Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Anna and EG

This is from the wedding (obviously!). I wish my picture of Ramon (who sang while they lit the unity candle) had turned out. I didn't want to use my flash!
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Originally uploaded by Deneice.