Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Today Is????

Time is flying by! There are 15 events at the HP this month and I am working all of them. It's been a busy December so far. Last night's game rocked! They put me in my favorite aisle (even if it is a LONG way down for the aisle tours) and it was a great night to be there. I am weird. I really like the fights. Last night was a great one. The last five minutes of the game I have to drop down to the bottom to make sure people don't climb on the boards, etc. after the game. To be right on the glass is amazing. The fight breaks out and moves to my section. Glove, pads, helmets are flying across the ice. It was brutal, but no one was really injured. Best of all...Sharks won!

Last week I was on "vacation" because if I don't use my vacation time from the church I lose it. Last Wednesday I took the rain into SF and was happy I can actually get to where I need/want to go using public transportation. It may take a little longer, but when the weather is nice (and it was perfect in SF last week) it's not a huge deal. Having that time to myself and not having a schedule was also a great thing.

Even though we are in the midst of all the Christmas "stuff," things are a little slow for me in Children's Ministry. It's kind of nice. I am pretty much prepped for Sunday already so this week I am going to get stuff ready for January and start recruiting for Jr. Getaway Camp in March. Sunday was almost all music (adult choir, both kids' choirs and the handbell choir) and we kept the kids in church and all I need to do for this Sunday is cut out and glue a bunch of stockings together. I am trying Group's Bible Venture Centers for the first time and I really like it...at least on paper. We'll see what happens when I put it into action!

I am house sitting this week and even though I have to actually commute I like it. I also get to finish my Christmas baking so that's a bonus!

I sense things are going to get intense with Rob the next few weeks. Thursday I left a little down and it was just one of those things. I mean I am not going to leave happy all the time. Anyway, he took it as me being discouraged and I kind of lapsed into silence. I am not discouraged at all. It was a moment I was editing myself and chose not to sound like a broken record.

After some babbling and long silences I knew I had to say something and even though I have said it before...I think he actually got it this time. I was talking to him about the HP...the relationships I am forming there and the positive feedback I get from time to time. There is this older woman who totally rocks and she takes good care of me. I finally got a locker and she made sure it was an upper! On Friday my supervisor commented on my spirit and attitude whenever I work with him (supervisors change from event to event depending on where you are assigned and where they are assigned).

Anyway, I talked about the tension I live in when that stuff and the good stuff going on at church doesn't match up with how much I hate myself. It's not like I am doing any of the other stuff "on purpose," but it's like that part of me can't be real and I must be manipulating the situation even if I don't do it knowingly. As I was explaining this to Rob something clicked in my head. When I was a kid and would go over to a friend's house or something like that...the reports back to mom were always what a joy I was to have around, how helpful I was, etc. My mother would smile and nod and then when we were alone would pretty much berate me and tell me what a fraud I was because I am so lazy, etc. at home.

It's not that I don't want to resolve any of this stuff. Although, after having no urges for almost three weeks, I am really struggling right now and if I leave it alone the urges will go away. Not healthy...but just what I feel at the moment. Driving back to Cupertino, the urge to do something to punish myself was huge.

I know I have to process all of this and do the work, but I am so afraid when that happens my streaks could end.


Friar Tuck said...

December is slow for me too.

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Dreaming again said...


I tagged you!!!!!!!


Kristin said...

just seeing how u are doing since you haven't posted in awhile.