I am usually glad I have a pretty good memory. Sometimes it is downright scary. One time, years ago in a staff meeting, our Exec. Pastor couldn't remember something and I was able to tell him who said what, when and where we were each sitting at the time. I amazed the staff and J was glad he had someone who could remember stuff in such detail.
Sometimes it's downright annoying. There are times I plain don't like remembering so much...especially the hard stuff.
Then there are the very few times when memories come back out of nowhere and are usually not pleasant ones at all.
The latter happened last week. BOOM...seemingly out of the blue a memory from 7th grade came to me. One that I had not thought of in years and years and had pretty uch forgot it happened. It was a split second incident...but one that left me feeling very dirty and disgusting as the memory replayed itself over and over Thursday night and much of Friday. I wanted to cut and I came really close to purging...but I didn't. I sent an email to Rob instead and told him. Then I took my mom out to dinner for her birthday. She turned 60 yesterday...but we were with my grandparents and my grandfather cooked...so I decided I'd take her out since I didn't have the $$ to make a big deal out of her 60th. It is amazing how much calmer one feels after eating a meal with all the food groups (well...no fruit)represented.
I had told Rob that I really didn't want to talk about "the incident," when I emailed him...but I knew better. So, we talked and I he asked me what I felt. Honestly? I don't know. What goes through my mind is what is so wrong with me...so defective that someone thought they could touch me like that and it be ok? Especially by another kid. Then it dawned on me that this happened just a few month before I was molested by my uncle's best friend. I was 11 when I first started 7th grade...but just the first 6 weeks and I know it happened later. I am just trying to think if it happned before or after the rumor that I slept with the Choir Director to win a raffle. I think it was after. Stupid, innocent me had to have it all explained to me because I was oblivious to the rumor and then fairly oblivious to the meaning. Goodt Two Shoes Am I!
I finally got Rob to understand that when I tell him I am stupid that I mean it. I will say that and then he will say that I am not being truthful. I FINALLY was able to get the guts to tell him that him telling me it I wasn't being truthful was HIS opinion and that I MEAN it. That took us to a discussion of me being told over and over and OVER growing up that I was book smart but was stupid/dumb otherwise. That just because I was in college didn't mean I was smart...that I thought I was better then my family because I was in college, but that I didn't truly know anything. He gets it. It almost made me cry last Thursday when he told me that what was said to me was tragic and that no one deserves it.
Today, as I think I frustrated him again, he decided to try a different angle. I think he sees the lecturing me on "thinking about my thinking" is not working. So, he went with the gut wrencher...some of the reparenting stuff. I hate it. Okay...I sort of hate it. I kinda like it...it makes me feel less a loser.
He told me that if someone did what was done to me (and he has a daughter and son) and he found out, he would clear his schedule for the rest of the day, come down to the school and make sure it was taken care of. I told him he is the only one who knows...I have never told anyone else until I emailed him. Then he did the, "Oh, Deneice" that makes me want to burt into tears. The guy who did what he did was a bully and had been harassing me off and on anyway. When I finally went to the office over another incident with the guy (for the life of me I can't remember what it was), I got blamed by both the school and my mom for "provoling him." To hear Rob say what he did to me...it was hard to keep it together. How I wish I had had a parent like that. I know I'm not the only one.
He reiterated that he thought what my family said to me was "tragic" and told me he didn't think he was being overdramatic about it and continued to point out how wrong they are. There is a small part of me that want to belive it...probably the part that kept from slipping into behaviors...but it doesn't seem possible.
Speaking of behaviors...as of today I am 19 months purge free. When I leave for "the OC" Friday I will be 18 months self harm (cutting) free. I can't wait to share that with my chiropractor because he will be thrilled.
I can't wait to Friday. Not that I am necessaruily UNhappy here...but I get to go where I have been my happiest (and also my sickest...an interesting combo) and where I have no doubt at all...I am loved.
Sometimes it's downright annoying. There are times I plain don't like remembering so much...especially the hard stuff.
Then there are the very few times when memories come back out of nowhere and are usually not pleasant ones at all.
The latter happened last week. BOOM...seemingly out of the blue a memory from 7th grade came to me. One that I had not thought of in years and years and had pretty uch forgot it happened. It was a split second incident...but one that left me feeling very dirty and disgusting as the memory replayed itself over and over Thursday night and much of Friday. I wanted to cut and I came really close to purging...but I didn't. I sent an email to Rob instead and told him. Then I took my mom out to dinner for her birthday. She turned 60 yesterday...but we were with my grandparents and my grandfather cooked...so I decided I'd take her out since I didn't have the $$ to make a big deal out of her 60th. It is amazing how much calmer one feels after eating a meal with all the food groups (well...no fruit)represented.
I had told Rob that I really didn't want to talk about "the incident," when I emailed him...but I knew better. So, we talked and I he asked me what I felt. Honestly? I don't know. What goes through my mind is what is so wrong with me...so defective that someone thought they could touch me like that and it be ok? Especially by another kid. Then it dawned on me that this happened just a few month before I was molested by my uncle's best friend. I was 11 when I first started 7th grade...but just the first 6 weeks and I know it happened later. I am just trying to think if it happned before or after the rumor that I slept with the Choir Director to win a raffle. I think it was after. Stupid, innocent me had to have it all explained to me because I was oblivious to the rumor and then fairly oblivious to the meaning. Goodt Two Shoes Am I!
I finally got Rob to understand that when I tell him I am stupid that I mean it. I will say that and then he will say that I am not being truthful. I FINALLY was able to get the guts to tell him that him telling me it I wasn't being truthful was HIS opinion and that I MEAN it. That took us to a discussion of me being told over and over and OVER growing up that I was book smart but was stupid/dumb otherwise. That just because I was in college didn't mean I was smart...that I thought I was better then my family because I was in college, but that I didn't truly know anything. He gets it. It almost made me cry last Thursday when he told me that what was said to me was tragic and that no one deserves it.
Today, as I think I frustrated him again, he decided to try a different angle. I think he sees the lecturing me on "thinking about my thinking" is not working. So, he went with the gut wrencher...some of the reparenting stuff. I hate it. Okay...I sort of hate it. I kinda like it...it makes me feel less a loser.
He told me that if someone did what was done to me (and he has a daughter and son) and he found out, he would clear his schedule for the rest of the day, come down to the school and make sure it was taken care of. I told him he is the only one who knows...I have never told anyone else until I emailed him. Then he did the, "Oh, Deneice" that makes me want to burt into tears. The guy who did what he did was a bully and had been harassing me off and on anyway. When I finally went to the office over another incident with the guy (for the life of me I can't remember what it was), I got blamed by both the school and my mom for "provoling him." To hear Rob say what he did to me...it was hard to keep it together. How I wish I had had a parent like that. I know I'm not the only one.
He reiterated that he thought what my family said to me was "tragic" and told me he didn't think he was being overdramatic about it and continued to point out how wrong they are. There is a small part of me that want to belive it...probably the part that kept from slipping into behaviors...but it doesn't seem possible.
Speaking of behaviors...as of today I am 19 months purge free. When I leave for "the OC" Friday I will be 18 months self harm (cutting) free. I can't wait to share that with my chiropractor because he will be thrilled.
I can't wait to Friday. Not that I am necessaruily UNhappy here...but I get to go where I have been my happiest (and also my sickest...an interesting combo) and where I have no doubt at all...I am loved.
4 comments:
God bless you on your trip. It sounds like you are making real progress. Memories are a b**ch arent they?
I think that recovery of memory in itself is a sign of progress though...kinda an internal sense that you are more ready and able to deal with the things your mind has pushed back before.
see what Friar tuck said ... sounds familiar huh?
Anyway ....geesh girl ... not unrelated at all!!!!
yea, I'd say that was a Pk kind of thing ... no, this has nothing to do with anything but everything to do with everything!
Glad you told!!!!!
He's right! you don't deserve it, someone should have defended you!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for visiting my blog and directing me back to your new one.
im glad you had a friend you could talk to and well done on your achievements
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