Friday, April 20, 2007

Lapse or Relapse?

It depends on who you ask. If you ask my dietitian she would tell you I am in a relapse. If you ask me, I am struggling...but I am holding my own. If you asked Rob, he would probably be somewhere in between the two of us.

I am not even sure what has happened. One day I am pretty much eating a couple meals a day and even a snack at times and the next thing you know I am going to the gym (which is not a wise choice) and doing an hour of cardio on the cross ramp and then some circuit weight stuff. But, it's not like I am losing a ton of weight. Okay, if I didn't have PCOS it would be...but I do so it is coming off slowly and is only now being noticed by people.

The odd thing is that even thought I say, "But it's different this time." It really is. It is different because it is NOT a relapse and different because I can see some of the issues very clearly. Most of it has to do with my "old friend" the cognitive distortion. There are many of them and right now the one knocking on my brain is "magical thinking." You see...things are going well right now both at church and at the HP. I am loving both places and would not give either one up for anything. However, my mind has somehow linked this "success" to restricting. If I continue to restrict then things will CONTINUE to go well. I almost passed out in Barnes & Noble at Fashion Island tonight because I hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours (I think I had a soft chicken taco and a bottle of water) and I think things will continue to go well?? I don't think so. I also write that one off to exhaustion of a 6+ hour drive to OC in the rain...but no food didn't help.

There is also the fact that I don't think I DESERVE what is happening right now. I could teach on grace and mercy until the cows come home...but I find it very hard to extend those things to myself. Part of that is my perfectionism which I am learning needs to be managed because it will NOT go away and it shouldn't in some cases. When I work as part of a team it really helps when I am working as part of a team (big picture) but am more on my own it causes me problems. I still need to process that more and come to terms with the fact that it's not going to go away and no amount of wishing is going to make it happen.

So, Rob and I are slowly making our way through "Gaining." I have been holding back. As much as it makes sense to me...I froze in sharing it with him. I figured out why. I was afraid he wouldn't believe me...that I was just pulling stuff out of a book because it sounded good. When I lived in Indiana, the therapist I was seeing didn't believe me when I told him I was throwing up almost everything I ate because my weight wasn't changing much. I had myself convinced Rob wouldn't believe what I said about the book. We talked it out on Monday and discussed what I wanted to share Thursday and it was good. It was very good.

I am on vacation for the next week or so and we'll see what happens. I cannot have a repeat of today!


Friar Tuck said...

Sometimes it is hard to know when you are relapsing and when you are simply moving from emergency response into a more balanced normal life. Hope you find balance and hope and grace in your journey.

Dreaming again said...

Funny, that discussion came up with Dr. M and I too ... same language used ... I said I'm struggling ... he said I'm relapsed.