I am still in a lot of pain...I know it is because I am not being mobile...but being mobile hurts as well. I admit though, doing nothing makes it hurt worse. Sigh...
Anyway, July 1st makes seven years since I walked through the doors of what was then the main lodge of Remuda Ranch. It was 9:00 PM at night, it had been a whirlwind 20+ hours from getting the call to hopping on a plane to AZ and I was scared to death. I try not to dwell on it too much...but whenever an anniversary date falls on a Sunday or one of my two Rob days, I tend to pay a little more attention.
I am not sure how I lost the momentum I had after I came home that year and before I moved to IN. I know Dr. Bill (when I had one session with him on a trip to So Cal when I lived in Indiana) diagnosed me with something that fails me at this point...some sort of adjustment disorder thingy. I still claim putting my grandpa on a plane on 9/11, having him get stuck on the plane for 3 hours on the tarmac and then stuck in IL for three days and being 2000+ miles away from friends and family didn't help. Oh...and then there was the fact I stayed with a therapist that wasn't helpful. That was my choice and it was a bad one...but my motives were good. The only other ED therapist was the T for someone I was at RR with that couldn't handle me moving to town (long story) so I didn't want to run into her and make her uncomfortable.
Food still stinks. I'd rather starve than eat...but I ate like a pig last week because of VBS and am having a hard time with that right now. That being said, the sessions with Rob have been good. They have been so very, very, very hard, but good. We had a great debate over the word "slip" on Thursday. He says that makes it sound as if I am not taking responsibility and minimizing what happened...that a slip is an accident. I looked the word up and found that isn't totally true. Plus, I 100% took responsibility for what I did. I told him I could have stopped myself at any point and chose not to and I get that...BUT, big picture, one bad choice in over 2 1/2 years of times where the urge was really hard is not a bad thing and that I won't look back at the 3 year mark and be totally bummed.
I told him stuff (as I well should) that I have never spoken out loud or written down before. It's been very hard, but very good. I also see how far there is still to go.
One thing I told him is that I have held the fear that if I ever cut again that I would lose myself in it and that I would continue no matter what. The fact it did nothing for me and that fear was unfounded is pretty cool. I still hold that fear about purging, but I think that one is a bit more grounded in some reality. I have purged a lot longer than I ever cut and even when I hit that three year mark...that is a blip compared to the number of years I did purge. Not that I am going to try that theory out...but the fear is there for now.
I wish I had pix from my time at RR I could post. But, it was before digital cameras! :)
I may post more about it later. Thanks to Facebook, I have been in contact with a couple of the women who shared that time with me. Through MySpace there is one more. These are very precious people to me. One of them was my roomie for almost my whole stay at Rio. She came in a few days before me and didn't go to LIFE. We had some great times. She is getting married in August and I am thrilled for her!
I lost one friend last October and have questions about others that I will probably never have the answers about this side of heaven.
Tomorrow is VBS Sunday and it's going to be a great day. The kids are wonderful and I can't wait to see who shows up!
Anyway, July 1st makes seven years since I walked through the doors of what was then the main lodge of Remuda Ranch. It was 9:00 PM at night, it had been a whirlwind 20+ hours from getting the call to hopping on a plane to AZ and I was scared to death. I try not to dwell on it too much...but whenever an anniversary date falls on a Sunday or one of my two Rob days, I tend to pay a little more attention.
I am not sure how I lost the momentum I had after I came home that year and before I moved to IN. I know Dr. Bill (when I had one session with him on a trip to So Cal when I lived in Indiana) diagnosed me with something that fails me at this point...some sort of adjustment disorder thingy. I still claim putting my grandpa on a plane on 9/11, having him get stuck on the plane for 3 hours on the tarmac and then stuck in IL for three days and being 2000+ miles away from friends and family didn't help. Oh...and then there was the fact I stayed with a therapist that wasn't helpful. That was my choice and it was a bad one...but my motives were good. The only other ED therapist was the T for someone I was at RR with that couldn't handle me moving to town (long story) so I didn't want to run into her and make her uncomfortable.
Food still stinks. I'd rather starve than eat...but I ate like a pig last week because of VBS and am having a hard time with that right now. That being said, the sessions with Rob have been good. They have been so very, very, very hard, but good. We had a great debate over the word "slip" on Thursday. He says that makes it sound as if I am not taking responsibility and minimizing what happened...that a slip is an accident. I looked the word up and found that isn't totally true. Plus, I 100% took responsibility for what I did. I told him I could have stopped myself at any point and chose not to and I get that...BUT, big picture, one bad choice in over 2 1/2 years of times where the urge was really hard is not a bad thing and that I won't look back at the 3 year mark and be totally bummed.
I told him stuff (as I well should) that I have never spoken out loud or written down before. It's been very hard, but very good. I also see how far there is still to go.
One thing I told him is that I have held the fear that if I ever cut again that I would lose myself in it and that I would continue no matter what. The fact it did nothing for me and that fear was unfounded is pretty cool. I still hold that fear about purging, but I think that one is a bit more grounded in some reality. I have purged a lot longer than I ever cut and even when I hit that three year mark...that is a blip compared to the number of years I did purge. Not that I am going to try that theory out...but the fear is there for now.
I wish I had pix from my time at RR I could post. But, it was before digital cameras! :)
I may post more about it later. Thanks to Facebook, I have been in contact with a couple of the women who shared that time with me. Through MySpace there is one more. These are very precious people to me. One of them was my roomie for almost my whole stay at Rio. She came in a few days before me and didn't go to LIFE. We had some great times. She is getting married in August and I am thrilled for her!
I lost one friend last October and have questions about others that I will probably never have the answers about this side of heaven.
Tomorrow is VBS Sunday and it's going to be a great day. The kids are wonderful and I can't wait to see who shows up!
3 comments:
Wow ...7 years.
I can still remember sending you a card at Remuda and you sending me a response!
That dumb psych tried to diagnose you with a personality disorder of some kind ... like borderline personality disorder ... I remember complaining to Lorie about it. I was so mad. It was definitely a bogus diagnosis.
It's been quite the 7 years hasn't it?
Actually that was the 2nd time around.
I actually was at Remuda Ranch as well. It was November 2, 2000 and I spent 45 days there. I agree somedays it is easier to starve then eat but I also have to remember I am a single mom of a 4 yr old and I am all she has. I haven't been in touch with too many from Arizona. Lost touch over the years and I haven't been able to reconnect. Those were the days it felt good to have someone who could listen and understand.
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