Friday, June 22, 2007

In Light of the Slip...

It's odd. But, my self harm slip a couple weeks ago was actually a good thing. I has to do a dreaded Behavior Chain Analysis, but I didn't do it quite the way we did at Remuda. Rob had me read it out loud and then he said no more of our fun stuff for probably the good 1/4 of a session he has let me get away with. If I choose not to talk about what is going on inside then phone calls and emails will no longer be allowed. That has been a non-issue.

Not that it has been easy because it has not. I impressed him yesterday. I guess I used the words, "I want." He said he doesn't think I have ever used those words since we started working together. Which really shows me how far I fell back from the time I left So Cal almost SIX years ago to now. I remember Greg telling me how proud he was that I was able to state my wants and needs and not be ashamed of them.

I am finally asking "all" the questions that have rattled in my head, but I have reluctant to speak. I still "hate" emotions and still have trouble identifying what I feel (beyond "bad" or "ok" or "good")...but Rob is being pretty patient with it. Time has been flying by in our sessions and that has been amazing.

Of course, things will be shallow due to VBS exhaustion next week and then it's two weeks 'til PYT and then I believe he is gone when I get back. It'll be interesting to see if we lose momentum.

Food still stinks...I still am anti-eating any more than it takes to keep me from passing out, but I am eating. I can't wait until VBS is over so I can get back to the gym. If exhaustion doesn't win next week I'll go back VBS or no VBS. I miss it and I have a dress I need to fit into (well, it fits now but will look better if it's a little big for me) for Presbyterian Youth Triennium's Disco Party next month.

Back to the slip...

While technically it has been my choice to cut or not...part of me has always been in fear of Rob if I did it and that has been a primary motivator. Now I feel like it is 100% my choice without fear of Rob playing into it. There have been days when it has been a little hard, but it honestly doesn't do a thing for me anymore and I have to remember that when the urge does hit.

If I get a chance this weekend, I will post VBS set up pix. I have had "slave labor" this week and I have been able to have decorations made that I have always wanted to have made! :)

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