Wednesday, September 12, 2007

No Quizzes Today!

No quizzes for today, or at least right now. I figured I'd do a real post.

Next week I hit a couple anniversaries. Next week will be three years of no purging and my first anniversary at the HP Pavilion. Both are a little surprising. I reminded Rob about the former and I think he is as surprised as I am. Not so much that I have made it three years with no slips or lapses, but that it has been three years and the time has passed quickly. The last few weeks have been a little difficult, but the main trigger has been wanting to get the anniversary here and over.

The HP anniversary is cool because it is a job that wasn't even on my radar until it happened. I received FOCUS tokens 4 & 5 in August and that is surprising. I set a goal to get my first four in my first year, but then I came to realize it is really subjective and you really need to be in the right place at the right time. So, I did my job as well as I could and it just happened. Believe me, FOCUS tokens are not the reason I do what I do...but I have to admit is a cool way to get some feedback every so often. Our first pre-season Sharks game happens on my hire date! Go Sharks!

At the end of August, Debra resigned. I have stepped in to lead Junior High youth group. Others have stepped in to teach SS and to lead the high school youth group and SS. The position may be advertised starting next week. I can totally accept being a volunteer and I LOVE being a volunteer. However, as I sat in our first "new and improved" adult leadership team meeting last night, I also realized how hard it is going to be to step back from a lead role and just how much I still love youth ministry. Maybe this means I need to start looking.

My biggest hesitation in looking is not finishing with Rob. I have been "left" by therapists and I have left a couple myself and nothing was ever finished. I think with Greg we were close...really close, but I moved to Indiana first. November marks four years with Rob and it truly has been in the last few months that I think I am trusting that he is going to be there and therefore trust risking more in our sessions. My emails are brought up in sessions (I had a really bad habit of sending them and not talking about them) by ME and I am able to vocalize a lot more than I have in the past. Obviously there have been many times like that, but then I have tended to go hide for long periods of time afterward.

Last week I got mad. I got mad and didn't explode, it didn't kill me and I didn't lose control. I didn't overreact, I didn't lash out, I admitted it and I allowed myself to actually feel it. My mom is a rage-o-holic (seriosuly, she drops a piece of paper and she goes from 0-180 on the anger meter in .08 seconds!) and anger has always scared me. Yes, I know Jesus got mad and didn't go over the top, etc., etc. But Jesus was also not beaten with a brush when He was 4 because He didn't know what boring meant and when asked a question said, "It was boring" and paid the consequences (well...he DID...but you get the picture). But, He did get mad.

This was a HUGE thing for me. When Rob didn't reply to my emails about it (that bugs me sooo much) I figured it wasn't that big a deal. Monday he let me know it was HUGE. I do get that we feel whether or not we choose to acknowledge it or let ourselves really feel the emotion, but I have done a fantastic job of minimizing, numbing and otherwise distracting myself from a lot of emotions. It honestly felt extremely freeing to feel it and let it go rather than stressing out trying not to feel it and turning it on myself instead.

I also realized that is ticks me off to have boundaries violated and that I do actually have them! I have just been ignoring those as well.

I don't want and have no intention of going backward but this is all very scary. I have been in this place before (with Greg) and I know this means that my days (though I am guessing a year to 18 months) are numbered with Rob. I don't think I will truly freak out about that until we move from two days a week to once a week, but it's there and I can feel it. We still very much have a proper client/therapist relationship...boundaries, yada, yada, yada...but it's changed a bit over the years and while I am not going to miss the therapy part one day, I am going to miss the book, music, sports talk stuff that has been such a huge part of our therapy relationship.

I shouldn't get ahead of myself. There is still a LOT of work to do. My mind still twists what he says (i.e. we have been somewhat going through a book/hand out and haven't because of other stuff and he wants to get back to it. My head has been telling me that he only cares about the book stuff and that all the other stuff is important), food is still a struggle and I still don't like myself very much. But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that IS exciting.

1 comment:

Dreaming again said...