Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Weird Dreams...

The last couple of nights I have had a couple weird dreams. You have seen my picture...I have not now nor will ever need an NG tube...but that's what has been going on in my dreams.

I am at some really, really bad treatment center...not that you can't find ways no matter where you are...but in this dream this is a particularly bad center. For some odd reason, I am there and even odder have an NG tube. I am not any thinner than I am now so I have no clue why I'd have one, except maybe that has always been a fear of mine.

Maybe it's the lack of food. No, this weekend I ate and feel like I ate and ate and ate. Two days of feeling a little dizzy, a little lightheaded and just a little "off" forced me to eat way more than I probably have in any other four day period in weeks. Of course, in terms of the contest, I lost NOTHING last week and am not so sure about this week. I work tonight through Saturday at the HP and today through Sunday at church. I need to at least get cardio in three days this week. Granted, today and Thursday I will be doing a lot of standing. I assume the samw thing for Rascal Flatts on Friday...but Wednesday and Saturday I SIT the whole time. Grrrr....

I had a strange but good session with Rob. He told me, AGAIN, he won't get all uptight about my silences and that maybe I need them. I emailed him later and told him I hoped he meant it because he has said it before and it hasn't lasted long. I think if he really means it that will actually help stop the lapses into silence because I won't feel pressured to hurry up and say something. He also told me that he will no longer ask me if I have cut or purge. He will leave it up to me to talk to him about urges or if I actually do either. That being said, if I wait weeks to tell him that would probably mean either termination or a break. That's fine. In 3 1/2 years I have not slipped with purging and only had one incident of SI last June.

The "funny" thing is he is not concerned with the restriction...which ED is having a field day with. He told me that at least I am eating something. I won't go into calorie counts...but he is right. I am eating something. Forget the fact that I walked around Whole Food for an HOUR last Thursday before I could find something that was OK for me to eat. The zucchini from the hot self serve deli was really good and the roasted mushroom salad wasn't too bad either...even if it was pasta.

I saw Toni on Friday and told her that no matter how much I am struggling and am, of course, not sorry about the weight loss, that I take no pleasure in what's happening. I hate that I am struggling and at the same time have no clue how to stop it. Please, please, please don't say "just stop" or "eat more" because that does not work and food honest to goodness plain scares me right now. I know what to do, but it's like I am frozen and can't/won't take those steps.

I think one of the hardest things about the contest is reading about how people won't eat this or that and I suppose it's a blessing I do hear Toni's voice telling me there are no good or bad foods. Food is food and all is allowed in moderation! Even where i am now that gives me a little freedom. If I want toast...I am going to eat toast. Okay, my food choices are pretty much limited to veggies and toast. Seriously. Unless I am pressed or in a position to have to eat something else...that's all I eat anymore. Oh...grapes. During my hour of walking Whole Foods I bought grapes. But that's it. I don't eat anything else much.

ED basically tells me that if everyone else in the contest isn't eating X, Y or Z then I can top that and not eat A-U. I need to stop listening to ED. But part of me figures why bother? Nineteen years...he has been in my brain for nineteen years in some way, shape or form. What if I have used all my chances to recover? What if the best I can get is a way to live with ED without doing major damage to my body? I am beginning to wonder. If I fall flat on my face there will be no IP again.

Yet even as I type all this out, I firmly believe in full recovery. I KNOW people who have and/or in the process. I think I may be questioning if that is going to happen for me.


DaYouthGuy said...

I'll admit that while I want to support you in your struggle I'm always terrified that I'll say something stupid or worse. I don't know squat about ED except what I know from you and a little bit of common knowledge. What that tells me is that it's hard beyond my understanding.

So let me try this - I disagree with those people who stop eating certain foods and AGREE with your dietitian. I eat everything! (I thought about doing a long list then thought You'll make the poor girl sick to her stomach!). I'm losing weight while eating pretty much everything. Just less of everything.

Like I said I'm always worried that I'll say something dumb (you have permission to correct me when I do) but know that my prayers are always with you.

MB said...

yeah - what he said!

I'm wondering (correct me if I'm way wrong) if you can 'evict' ED.

Since ED has been living in your head for this long, I'm wondering if it isn't time to serve ED with eviction papers!

Can/or has your dietician given you an eating plan that basically says: EAT THIS - nothing more, nothing less? That is what Hannah and I are doing right now and it is working. It is pretty rigid and sometimes it seems like there is a LOT of food, but it is working - we are both losing weight and are eating a lot as we do it.

If you didn't need that last paragraph (or this whole comment!) just delete it!

You are loved by many many people.


Anonymous said...

yeah, what they both said! I just want you to know how much I've enjoyed getting to know you, and how much I wish I could grant you the ability to see yourself as the rest of us do - a loving, giving, generous person.

I look at you in the picture, and what I see is the snuggling between you and your little friend. That's a joyful thing - she has a hold of you and looks so happy. Look - an adult cares about her! What a gift you are in her life, along with your other youth group girls.

It seems like every one of us gets some baggage to deal with, and I hope it lessens your load to know that you are loved! your Oregon friend, julie