Wednesday, June 04, 2008


I hate limbo. Unfortunately, I am in a state of limbo in a few different areas of my life. Some of it is pretty much by choice and I take responsibility for that limbo. Other stuff is beyond my control and I am dealing with it as best I can. Depending on the day it can be well or can be a bit paralyzing. Or, as I told Rob, I try to push it all away because "I don't have time for limbo...too much is going on!"

The one area I can talk about is ED limbo. My vacation last month really through me off. I've come home and cannot get myself to the gym. Not that I don't need it, but I also came home and a week or so later I woke up (literally) to a major depressive episode and so I feel positive that I am up, groomed and dressed on a daily basis!

I was reading an ED bulletin board last night and was looking at an update from one woman going into treatment this weekend. I looked up the place where she is going and they had an EAT-26 test on the site. It's a screening test for EDs. Any score over 20 and they suggest seeing a professional. My score was over 2x the 20. Yeah...I think I was actually a bit surprised.

In the last few weeks I know I have gained back some of what I lost in the last few months. I feel very mixed about it. I know the reasons. I haven't been to the gym and have allowed myself to eat more than I have in a long time. That being said I know I am not eating near (at least most days) what I should be...but my vacation kind of ruined my toast and grilled veggies with lean protein every so often meal "plan." Not that I pigged out. BUT...Gina and I shared nachos at the Angels game. I think I had 2 beers during the week. Oh and my last day I had a Monte Cristo sandwich.

I did a ton of walking. In fact, I used to (both pre and post being really sick) take Main Street vehicles, the train, the monorail, etc. to get around Disneyland because it IS a ton of walking. This trip I only rode in the train because I wanted to ride in the Lily Belle and the monorail because I had just come from The Rain Forest Cafe and it was right there. I took stairs with gusto and even to my 5th floor hotel room. I thought that justified what I ate. In fact, I came home and scale really hadn't budged...woo hoo!

Since then I have just been lazy. Okay, it's laziness caused my depression, but it might be helped if I got off my behind and got back to the gym! I also have allowed more food to pass through my lips. Yes, a bit more in quantity, but also types of food. I have come home and kind of started eating more than grilled veggies and toast with some lean protein tossed in for good measure. However, now that my mom managed to get the bottom drawer of the oven open (woo hoo...thanks mom!), I can make my own grilled veggies as my stove top grill thingie was in that drawer!

I was on Google Reader this morning and read this (click on it...for some reason it didn't show up as a "clickable" link) The Weighting Game and thought about my own relationship with peanut butter. It is always the first thing that goes when I start restricting and the last thing I add back in. Not that I don't like it, but even when I allow myself to eat it it's not something I do on a regular basis. She also added her no fail PB cookie recipe. It's the same on I use when I make Doug, Rob and my grandpa cookies. That got me thinking as well.

In 2000 when I was at Remuda we had a cooking group. In one group we made cookies. Scary, yes, but you get 16 women recovering from an ED making chocolate chip cookies it is also chaotic and a bit of a "disaster." I stepped back, let others do what they needed to do and tried to not freak. At some point I was talking to my dietitian and talked about wanting to do a grocery trip/cooking experiential. We talked about the cookie thing and she agreed it would be a good idea to do it together. So, we made a menu and went grocery shopping. That was the first time I had done any real shopping in a year or so. That's when I changed my mind on dessert and wanted to make those cookies. I had one...maybe 2 and then gave the rest to my Psychiatrist. Found another fan for my baking and sent him a Christmas box the first 2 I was out.

I say I am in limbo because I have some choices to make. Head back to the gym and workout again like a mad woman. I truly do LOVE the 2 hour cardio workouts! Go back to the restrictive eating and keep losing weight..even if it's way slower than ever before or try to do moderate exercise and try to expand my horizons (AGAIN) with food even if I hate every minute of it.

Now that I am a little more nourished and my brain is working a bit better than it had been I see what is the healthy thing to do. But, the drive to feel empty, to deny myself what I want and to burn calories like there is no tomorrow is pulling at me.

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