Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Who Knew??

The circus is over and aside from a few rookie was a good first experience for me.  I should do better with this round of events in the nex week.  I hope so!

Towards the end of the run I got sick.  The last couple days of the circus were not fun.  Sunday was a killer.  I felt awful and was glad I was working on somethng else that day and not the circus itself.

I never intended to stop eating.  I was feeling icky last Monday and had dinner.  I couldn't taste it a all.  So, I just stopped.  I wasn't hungry anyway and I guess I figured there was no point if I couldn't taste the food.  I do know how lame that is and also saw it getting out of hand in a few short days.  I mean I ignored "Cookie Day" at work!  C-O-O-K-I-E Day!  I had allowed myself a cookie each Wednesday for a few weeks...during the circus more than one!  I justified it because I was going from one end of the arena to the other, up and down stairs, etc.  Plus I just wanted to!

By last Thursday I had nothing but sugar free iced coffee and water...a a bottle of G2.  I emailed Toni so she knew what she would be dealing with last Friday.  I wanted salad.  She woudn't let me.  I had to get pizza.  I bought a piece of cheese pizza and tore the crust and ate it.  I took one bite of the pizza itself and it tasted like a mouth full of fat!  The good that came out of our time is she got to see the struggle and we were able to talk through all of it.  I didn't eat the pizza, but it was such a good thing to talk through what was going through my head why trying to eat, play with and otherwise ignore the pizza.

Saturday I started allowing myself to have 1/2 cups of chili 1-2 times a day and a couple pieces of chicken here and there.  My mother took matters into her own hands (though she thinks I am eating more than I am) and we had Mc D's for dinner last night.  UGH!  I wanted the chili...basically she pulled the if I don't eat what she wants she just won't eat herself.  ^%^&%$###!!!

I don't want to eat.  I know I have to.  I know there are a lot of reasons (irrational reasons...but reasons just the same) besides not being hungry that has brought this on, but I haven't been able to work around those reasons to allow myself to eat.  At least I know they are irrational.  At least I see Rob tomorrow.  

As Toni and I talked I also realized I had been cutting back again and just didn't realize it.  The things I usualy eat at work I didn't bother with eating.  I never stopped to eat period.  I'd down a Boost puding when I got there and that would be it.  I just hadn't thought much about it.

I dug myself out of the hole I was in after the YS contest fairly well.  But I am guessing not far enough if I could spiral back this easily. 

No comments: