Thursday, August 03, 2006

The Green Eyed Monster

Normally, I am not a jealous person. I may say the word in jest…but I try to be content and for the most part, I don’t have a whole lot to be jealous about!

Lately, I have found myself feeling jealous of the relationships that Debra will be building with the kids. I WANT them to love her (heck…I think she’s awesome!), I want them to build a strong bond with her and yet at the same time…I have been worried about where that would leave me. UGH! I hate that I even think that…but think it I do. I have really worked hard the last four years developing relationships with the kids and over the past several months reestablishing relationships with the Jr. Highers and even some of the high school students.

“G” came home from vacation while I was gone. Ron always used to tell us we needed to have a ”Timothy” to our “Paul.” “G” has really been that the last year. She calls me her 2nd best friend. I knew she was going to love Debra and at the same time was worried she’d abandon our bond. Silly,silly me. Nothing has changed at all. She left me this goofy profile on my office door (which was pretty dead on) the other day and last night she would not leave my side during “Pool and Praise.” Her mom told me she has been dying for me to get home and for her to get home so we could see each other. I think it is really funny because I could be her mom. Her mom is older than I am, but “G” is 11 and I could easily be her mom. Last night she made me promise I’d go up to Mt. Hermon with them. I told her I am on the committee that plans the retreat so of course I will be there. However, what I didn’t tell her was that I will more than likely be in a leadership cabin.

I do understand that this is all normal with someone new coming in. It makes absolute sense and I knew some of these feelings were coming. I also know I “shouldn’t” be judging them…but I do. Even though the feeling makes sense…that doesn’t mean I “should” feel that way. In my head I feel as if I have no reason to feel so insecure. I try and tell myself that I have had ample time to get used to this and so I shouldn’t feel as I do. At least I can take a step back and see it and that is a good thing. Now I just need to learn to let those feelings be there and not try to avoid them.

Food has been a struggle. I was actually amazed about a couple things. I didn’t 100% watch every bite I put in my mouth while I was house sitting. Well, I did, but I didn’t always “punish” myself afterward. I could stand it no more and got on the scale this morning. I actually haven’t gained. I haven’t lost…but I haven’t gained either. On the one hand I think this is great and it shows my body will not go out of whack just because I eat “normally.” On the other hand, I think of what the scale would do if I keep up the restriction. I see Toni tomorrow and we can process that through.

I think these mini-breaks with Rob have been good in some ways. The first 10-day break was not something I wanted and we just went through another one. We have one more week-long one coming up. I have a bunch of comp time coming from VBS so I am going camping for a few days the week of the 14th. I will see him that day and then take the 17th off. It’s helped me process things at a little slower pace and has actually helped me to be a little more open. I think…we’ll see after today’s session!


Dreaming again said...

Hey D ... ya know ... even as much as Bj liked Josh ..when something REALLY came up ... it was Michelle he wanted to call to pray.

Still is. Even now. Samuel, who only had her for a year, still values his relationship with her dearly. Have no fear ... you've got a relationship and they have room in their hearts for more!

The Thief said...
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The Thief said...

I can relate - when I was replaced at my former church, I wanted the kids to like whoever replaced me, but when he actually came, I was jealous. When my "best" friend there started hanging out with him, you bet I was mad. When he ticked off my youth leaders, you bet I was mad (but secretly a little happy, because I wanted them to still remember me).

I really want the ministry to do well there. But honestly I hope someone remembers me and that I made a difference.